#mama diary

[novelcsanchez]

Co-sleeping, weaning, teething, etc.

Writing time: 0320, just finished nursing my baby. It’s been a while since I last wrote here, the months flew so quickly! Where did time go?!? Looking back, the last three months have been busy. On the brighter side, we are now all sleeping better. My little one turned 6 months and it’s a whole new world of weaning and teething. When I first met my neighbour she said sleep will get better by 6…

[daronaliya]

these three things

today i am marveling at

your elegant, expressive hands

the way you climb into my lap

your sighs as you fall asleep

[daronaliya]

she laughs!

'it's a little like PMS on mild psychedelics.'

// "operating instructions: a journal of my son's first year" - anne lamott

i read this book a long time ago, before we were even considering having kids, just because anne lamott is one of my favorite authors and i've read all her stuff, fiction and non-fiction. i recommend it to any pregnant or new mama. i wish i had thought to re-read it when djuna was first born - but now feels good too. i relate to her experience so much, remembering how hopeless and defeated i felt during those long fuss-filled nights, how tired i was, how mentally ill i felt. the roller-coaster of emotions. 

and realizing how far we have come, in just a few short months. everyone says the fourth trimester sucks but it passes. i didn't believe it in the midst of it but it's true. we came through ok and djuna has decided this world is not only tolerable, but a pleasant and interesting place!

today was her first genuine laugh. a bubbly, gurgly little sound. she's been making sounds that show she thinks something is funny or delightful, but today was the first real giggle. it's my favorite milestone yet.

[daronaliya]

six and a half weeks

even writing that title seems surreal, because i feel like djuna has been here all my life. most of the time that's the best feeling in the world, during the day when she's smiley and snuggly. i can't believe i helped make someone so pure and innocent and sweet. 

but come round our house between the hours of 6pm and midnight and you'll hear a completely different story. the last few nights have been literal torture, as this little baby screams off and on for hours. i am ashamed and defeated and FUCKING tired. nursing doesn't help. rocking/swaddling/patting, these all work for about 15 minutes.

still haven't figured out what the magic fix is that gets her to fall asleep, which she does, eventually. and when she sleeps, she sleeps in 4+ hour increments, which means that i can (theoretically) totally get enough sleep. but after she finally relaxes, it takes me awhile to relax enough to fall asleep. i lay there and freak out about what a failure i am as a mom.

i know this is supposed to be the worst part. we're in the middle of the 4th trimester, and she is probably going through a growth spurt. i know she will be a totally different baby in just a few months. but this is the other side of the feeling that she's been here all my life - it feels like it's been going on forever rather than just a few nights, and it feels like it will never end.

it's just so hard not to take it personally. i know intellectually that she isn't mad at me. she doesn't hate me. but it feels like she does when i can't make it better. so i cry, and she cries, and my poor husband tries to step in and help, and assure me that i am not in fact a completely inadequate person.

so last night i decided i would write about it. and get it off my chest and see if that helps. also i decided to cut out dairy and sugar. just in case that helps too. at the very least it should help with my migraines and allergies, and these things sure don't make it any easier to comfort this little creature. and making those decisions helped me fall asleep finally, which helped too, because i woke this morning feeling like this is something i can (maybe) get through with my sanity intact.