2010s Eurovision: 340 - 336
340. Witloof Bay - “With love, baby” Belgium 2011
Oh god *enough* with the lame puns already, AS if ~With Love, baby~ isn’t cringe enough to sit through. Firstly, acapella singing in Eurovision never works, that’s just Eurovision 101. Secondly, doing everything with love(, baby) makes you either a liar or earth’s most obnoxious human being. (or both.) Thirdly, I’m Belgian and even I care very little for your telegraphed ~inclusivity~ in having a Flemish beatboxer (dressed in the fLeMiSh NaTiOnAl CoLoUrZ of black and pale yellow). Fourthly, witloof is disgusting and serving it grated is a waste of perfectly good cheese. ^__^
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339. Eneda Tarifa - “Fairytale” Albania 2016
Probably the one clear example of a revamp completely destroying all redeeming things about a fairly good original song. Also a masterclass in “resting stankface”. NEXT!
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338. Timebelle - “Apollo” Switzerland 2016
[2017 Review here]
This pedestrian song is pretty much a “Basic Bitching For Dummies” audiobook: Amorphous backstory (it took about five different explanations from Timebelle to finally settle on “This song is dedicated to songwriters” as their message, even though the lyrics don’t acknowledge and even contradict this?), non-sensical staging (jarring hot pink + canarie yellow colour scheme, pointless staircase, Hercules arcade-game backdrop) and poor overal execution (use of AAVE as a means of fabricating ‘A Sassy Attitude’ (🌚), Mirula’s Big Bird dress and Mirula’s general underenunciation of what is a fairly simple vocabulary), all due to a glaring lack of vision, originality or concept. Yep, sums it up why ‘Apollo’ sucks, NEXT!
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337. Can-Linn ft. Casey Smith - “Heartbeat” Ireland 2014
Is that you, Vivienne Pinay?
(yes, I’m using the moment to shoehorn in a ref to the only season of RPDR i’ve seen episodes (3) of, back up off me!!!)
Anyway, as you’ll learn later, I’m actually a HUGE fan of trashy folksy schlager bops, but that doesn’t mean all are created equally. “Heartbeat” was pretty dope in its studio form, but the live served a more-than-generous helping of “Narcoleptic Stankface” (srsly, Kasey looks both half-asleep AND irritated), shit vocals and the SAME busy hammy dancing that plagued “Only love survives”, which I already ranked. The end result was pretty lackluster and as you well know by now this blog does NOT commit itself to the defence of mediocrity, so sayonara!
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336. Martina Bárta - “My turn” Czech Republic - 2017
[2017 Review here] [shared with Tako & Claudia]
CHRIST, "MY TURN” WAS SO BORING!!! Like seriously, I love my entertainment and Martina brought none of it. The song itself already was a snore (jazz is one of the most boring, uninspired genres of music imo, THERE I SAID IT!!!), but Czech of course had to ramp it up by draining whatever little life it had OUT of the song by commiting to anti-staging and so-so-vocals. 🙄
What really annoys me though is that, despite offering nothing of value, really, Martina SOMEHOW managed to score a whopping 81 jury points, all of which *should* have went to “Blackbird”, inadvertantly causing Norma John’s death and facilitating Demy’s continued survival, forever cementing her status as an Agent of EVIL! 👹
