#mew's rambles

[mewchan1197]

here's the closeup bc I think it doesnt really visible in the OG

I think this is the most handsome Yesod has ever been in my art

[mewchan1197]

I'm not sure if anyone here even wants to hear this take, given that it probably goes against the majority of everyone's interpretations, but I don't think Yesod even feels hurt or offended by the Information Department's graffiti. In fact, he was probably pretty happy and proud of himself for it. Because that was exactly what he wanted to happen.

Like, remember he didn't become a cold and vicious Viper just for the sake of it. He did that to drive everyone away, so no one else will ever dare to get close to him. So his heart would never go soft on anyone ever again. To him, affection only leads to disaster. His relationship with James ended up being the reason James is dead. That's why he hardened his heart, so to not cause any more tragedy.

If his behaviors managed to drive his employees away, made them shun and ostracize him and wanted him dead, then it's actually working as intended. I don't think Yesod would even mind dying in his employee's hand. If someone hold a grudge against him and kill him for revenge, then he would gladly accept that fate.

(Too bad, as long as he is in that body, he can never be permanently killed.)

To Yesod, a cold-blooded Viper who wouldn't even hesitate to shoot his own employee, who wouldn't even mourn their deaths, was an irredeemable villain. He didn't deserve other's love or forgiveness, only punishment. He chose to mistreat his employees, so it's only fair that they hated him in return. It's only fair and just.

It is his own way to numb and blind himself to reality. If Netzach sought refuge in drug and alcohol, then Yesod sought refuge in the way of the poisonous snake, in the madness that is excessive rationality. And yet, he never let go of his sense of responsibility. He still did his job dutifully, striving to minimize employee's death.

To me that's where his kindness shined through. He still tried to minimize casualty, to save those very people that wanted him dead. No matter what they think about him, he didn't treat them any differently or take offense with their behaviors. He thought of what he did as a necessary evil, for his own benefit. Being shunned by the world was merely the natural consequence, the price.

(netsod headcanon below, if you don't want to see it, don't click it)

Honestly I think the fact that he got so work up at Netzach using the nickname was because it didn't work on Netzach. He wasn't afraid to approach or provoke Yesod, showing no fear or hesitation. And he still treated Yesod with kindness, caring about him and trying to help him just as anyone else. But because Yesod is someone who think they only deserve punishment instead of forgiveness, he reacted with revulsion.

Netzach's behaviors exist outside of his twisted "fair and just" system, and can't be rationalized easily. Netzach was basically immune to the poisonous snake's venom, and it threatened Yesod's false sense of safety.

But he's also an attachment that Yesod couldn't easily let go of. Because since he's driven away literally anyone else, Netzach was the only one left. He became Yesod's only company, the only one to sate his desire for human connection. He's the only source of warmth and comfort in that frigid hell, that the poisonous snake couldn't help but cling onto for his dear life, even if he hated having to depend on it.

[mewchan1197]

Cool thing I just noticed about the upper Sephirah's meltdown forms:

Out of the 4, you can see that Yesod and Malkuth's form are (kind of) symmetrical in design, Netzach and Hod's form are asymmetrical, with the main body off to the side and their appendage reaching toward a certain direction.

Netzach branches toward the left...

While Hod's two big tentacles go to the right.

This corresponds with their respective positions on the (upright) Tree of Life, but that's not the only thing of note. When you look at the upside down Tree that is Lob Corp's facility, they're both reaching toward the center, where Yesod is located. And Yesod, in turn, has his tentacles reaching upward to Malkuth.

They're connected like pieces of a puzzle. I'm not sure if it means anything but I find it interesting regardless.

[mewchan1197]

Consider: Netzach pretending to be drunk to cuddle Yesod while he's completely sober because (he doesn't think) Yesod would let him do that otherwise.

[mewchan1197]

I'm trying to think of sexy or romantic ideas to draw netsod, but all my brain wants to think about right now is Netzach bringing a cookbook to Yesod's floor and then have a long, serious talk about whether it belongs to art or technological science.

(Seriously, which one does it belong to though?)

[mewchan1197]

Well I don't usually share my idea or talk much about my netsod thoughts in general but this thing sorta begged itself to be written and my friends suggested it. So I suppose I'll at least try.

Disclaimer: this is probably not supported by canon and should not be treated as canon. Considering it an alternate timeline or AU I made up. Probably slightly OOC.

The Sephirahs mostly retained their human self's original personalities and memories when they were made into boxbots. Even though they might briefly forgotten their pasts, it'd all come back in full (at least most of it) to them after their core suppressions. Well, except Netzach. Due to how Cogito affected the mind, Giovanni's brain had probably been irreversibly damaged by the time of his death, which eroded his memories and personalities to the point that there's barely any "him" left when Netzach was made.

As such the result is a facsimile of what Giovanni once was, with only vague strokes of his strongest emotions, and scattered memories of what he held dearest remained in his mind. Even after his core suppression, not much of his previous lives returned to him, and he no longer felt like he was the same person from that bygone times. By all purposes, he was pretty much a different individual wearing the same face as his original self.

When Yesod remembered being Gabriel, he felt that disconnect. The Netzach he always knew during this current life was nothing like the person he remembered. Netzach doesn't remember a single thing about Gabriel, nor the times they spent together back then. He didn't remember the better days before Carmen's death when they would bicker about the most inane, trivial things, the moments they held hands, the times Gabriel brushed his hair that had begun to grow long... Nothing really rang a bell in his head.

Netzach acted nothing like Giovanni. Their personality were completely different, perhaps they could even be called to be opposite. And the fact just bothered Yesod way too much. Even though he had known Netzach for way longer than Gabriel knew Giovanni, the one standing before him felt like a stranger. Even though he still cared about Netzach and would never turn away from him, it still felt off and wrong and uncomfortable. The feeling slowly ate away at him and left a gaping void that grew larger and larger and threatened to consume his heart.

He tried to ignore it, tried to act like everything was normal, and nothing had changed. Netzach must still be Giovanni, even if he had changed. Perhaps he just couldn't accept that person he knew in his previous life was gone for good. Perhaps he just couldn't bear him being replaced by another.

The feeling persisted even after they woke up in the Library. Although it had slowly faded away as he gradually accepted Netzach once again, as interacting with him became more bearable than before, it never really went away completely. It remained at the back of his mind, occasionally tugged at his heart, and surfaced when he was left alone with his own thoughts. Perhaps this was just how it would be, he thought. Perhaps he'd have to live with it as long as he remained here.

That was until a particularly difficult and grueling reception. Yesod was deployed to lead against the first wave, and while he managed to secure victory, it was an extremely close call. Every single assistant librarians on his floor had either fallen or suffered grievous wounds, and he was in no shape to continue to the next wave like that. They retreated to the Floor of Arts, still tasked with treating wounded librarians due to their past experience in Safety. Netzach was exhausted himself, still recovering from a long, tedious reception that came just before, but still, he rushed by Yesod's side.

In a moment of frustration, Yesod blurted out that he could've finished them all if they could buy more time to coordinate. In response, Netzach quietly picked up his weapon and replied, "If time is what you need, then I'll give you time."

Yesod wasn't a fool. He knew that in this current state, if Netzach and his floor was to be deployed again, they would for sure be wiped out no matter what. It was practically suicide, even if they managed to successfully weaken the guest enough for him to enact his plan. So of course, he objected, not wanting to see them walking straight to their deaths.

(They'll come back after the reception, but of course, everyone forgot the fact that they can't die permanently during the whole thing for the sake of building up emotions by actually putting their lives on the line.)

Netzach didn't stop. He didn't even raise his voice nor show any sign of hesitation. Yesod's nickname rolled off his tongue the same way it always did.

"Yesod the Viper, the most cruel and ruthless Sephirah of our company, the most dutiful and level-headed Patron Librarian... he definitely would understand why I do what I do, right?"

When their gaze met again, Netzach's eyes were so clear that they seemed to pierce through every corners of his soul. Just like at that moment, in the distant past that they once shared, when Giovanni raised his hand and signed his life up for that experiment, knowing the dismal chance of success. Pure, resolute and filled with a quiet determination. Fearlessness.

At the core, they were still the same person. Who followed his light until the bitter end, knowing it would burn him away to nothingness. Who still clung stubbornly to hope, no matter how futile or delusional.

"I'm not doing this because I wish to throw my life away. I simply want to live it fully without any regrets."

Giovanni was never truly gone, despite his body and mind having long been eroded away. He had changed beyond recognition, yet his soul persisted.

And yet it took so long for Yesod to realize that simple truth.

[mewchan1197]

Random thoughts: Which is sadder, Gabriel having to watch Giovanni spent his last breath, or Giovanni inexplicably hanging on until Gabriel went away to spend his last breath because he didn't want Gabriel to see him die?

[mewchan1197]

My take on Netzach

Well, since I talked in depth about my feelings on Yesod earlier, I think it'd be fair to write my thoughts on Netzach and, by extension, Giovanni as well. Be prepared for WORDS, a lot of WORDS.

Netzach is a paradoxical creature.

At first glance, he seems to be a lazy, persimistic drug addict who had given up on doing his job because he believes there's just no point in trying. In a twist of irony, his name means victory, and Netzach the Sephirot represents endurance, fortitude, and the patience to follow through on one's goal. Seemingly, he has none of those qualities. And yet, as I get to know him further and explored his past, I realize nothing fits him better than Netzach. In which, I mean, I think he embodied the very concept of preseverance.

Let's first talk about his original self, Giovanni. At the very start, he lived an uneventful, sheltered life, merely going with the flow as he thought it was the natural thing to do. Without aim, without purpose. He was barely a person, never really thinking about why he was there or what he truly wanted.

Until he met Carmen, who struck him with awe and broke him free from that monotonous, stagnant life he was trapped in. She was a person filled with dreams and aspirations. Even as no one paid attention to her or took interest in what she advocated, she was determined and persistent and didn't give up on her cause. I think that was what Giovanni loved about Carmen—she lived her life with purpose and took pride in it.

So... he let her be his guiding light. He abandoned the safety and comfort of the Nest and followed her to the Outskirt. Even though the road she walked was completely unknown and unpredictable and filled with hardships, he was willing to be her company. He didn't even mind if she simply viewed him as a colleague or a good friend. He didn't mind if his feelings weren't returned—if there wouldn't be any happy ending for him at the end of the road. That, to me, was no easy decision. It took a lot of fearlessness.

And then tragedy struck.

After all, Carmen was still a human. Not being able to handle the guilt of Enoch's death, she succumbed to her depression and took her own life. Even though Giovanni wanted to help cheer her up, her despair was just too much for him to handle. I think at that point, Giovanni realized how little power he had. After all, he couldn't even save the one he loved, who was right beside him. Why would he even think he had the power to save humanity?

He could've given up then. The person he loved, the reason he even joined the project in the first place, had already left this world. He could just leave, and no one would be able to blame him. But he decided to remain anyway, to continue what she had started. Even though she was gone, even as he realized how powerless he was, Giovanni decided to continue on to finish what she started, anyway. He didn't give up on Carmen's cause, despite everything. I think part of it was because he had nothing else to live for, but that didn't really change the fact that he persevered on the goal. Carmen's death, in the end, didn't make him give up.

So I don't think he volunteered for the experiment because he lost all hope. He didn't do it because he wanted to throw away his life carelessly. He was presented with a chance to bring back Carmen, a glimmer of hope. Even though the risk was too great that no one dared to gamble their life on it. But he decided to cling to that hope, even if it was slim, even if it made people thought he was suicidal or foolish. Because the alternative was giving up on Carmen. And he didn't want to do that. Even if it meant he'd survive, such a life, to him, was worse than death.

In the end, we all know that there wasn't any chance of reviving Carmen anyway. Ayin simply took advantage of him and deceived him into giving up himself. His sacrifice was tragic and poignant. Even still, I think it wasn't completely meaningless. He lived true to himself, holding on to the hope Carmen gave him until the bitter end. And he died without any regrets.

Sure make you wonder how did a person like that turned into Netzach as you met him at the start of the game.

I remembered him mentioning that he used to work really hard saving people's lives. But the task given to him was pretty much Sisyphean, in a facility like Lob Corp, where their employees' lives are treated as expendable, and as we find out in Wonderlab, they even let them die on purpose for the sake of creating more energy. Safety itself was a contradictory concept, and thus an impossible and futile task to bear. The company itself was working against him.

And Netzach felt that futility and helplessness, as he failed to save his employee over and over and over again. Even the strongest will would slowly be eroded away under that kind of stress.

Slowly, he forgot his initial resolve, and fell into depression and abused Enkephalin in order to numb himself from the guilt. But no matter how much he took, it never really went away. Because despite everything, he couldn't remove what remained at the core: his compassion and empathy. He never stopped caring. And he suffered for it.

Eventually, his depression festered into self-hatred and destructive impulses. He internalized his failures, and blamed himself. For the lives he failed to save, for his own failure to cope with the horror.

Unlike Yesod, Netzach wasn't able to repress his emotions. He couldn't really pretend everything was normal, that this was just how it was supposed to be. He was extremely conscious of his emotions, of just how fucked up the situation was, and his own powerlessness in the face of it. He just couldn't normalize the suffering as long as he had that clarity and awareness.

In addition, the people around him reinforced his self-hatred. They looked down on him, because he was just a drug junkie who refused to do his job. I remembered Angela told the manager not to "stoop down to his level" if you agreed to give him his beer vending machine. Also Tiphereth A pretty much outright told him he should be replaced.

Yet, he didn't blame his own employees, for using drugs to cope with the job they had to perform. That conversation stuck with me, and I still think about it from time to time. He didn't think the manager had the rights to judge them, to call them cowards for depending on drugs to cope with the reality they had to face.

At that moment, when he already gave up on his own life, he still defended them. He still saw them as human, who tried their best and didn't deserve to be treated like himself. I think that was Netzach's perseverance, his refusal to give up on what he believed in, deep down.

Netzach didn't fundamentally change after his core suppression. He just recalled Giovanni's original resolve, to save that one person he loved, and to finish what she had started, to hold on to the seed of hope that she planted in him.

He simply returned to being his original, fearless self.