I just want to stumble upon someone that I can hold onto, someone who doesn’t fade out of tangibility and time; someone who will keep me on my toes, both mentally and spiritually- a friend that I can confide in and tell my darkest secrets to, without any feeling of shame, knowing there’s soulful reciprocity between us. A best-friend, soulmate & spiritual flame; that sounds like the sacred treasure of life because human connection, soul connection, are what really matter in the end. Sure, the rest of everything is alive and real because of this worldly construct and immediate existence, but in the end it’s relationships that always matter and define a great inner part of ones self- whether its the relationship you have with yourself, with your surroundings (nature, community, family) or with another- its in our nature to love and not have to hide around it’s expression... in this all too familiar cement hardened city that has calloused the spirits of many, it seems like we keep how we feel nestled in the dark alleyways and abandoned parts of ourselves...where there's no light and we know no one in there right mind would go, why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we distance ourselves from such a natural formulation of feeling? Why do we allow ourselves to be such a lonely shell of a person, when inside we’re are yearning, reaching out for understanding and acceptance. There are way too many of us hiding in the shadows of our own personally constructed inner city, lost and afraid...
I say FUCK THAT! I won’t accept the fact that we’re here surviving for the sake of anything other than spiritual connection and personal development through love, acceptance and understanding, through others and ourselves. This life, this momentary existence, goes way beyond anything known to be human, so embrace it- EMBRACE IT ALL! Your surroundings, embrace the people next to you like they're sacred because their presence & friendship is indeed sacred. Embrace the fact that you're probably more adored and revered than you realize because we’re all we have, and deep within ourselves we all recognize that terrifyingly beautiful reality.
You're allowed to love someone for any reason that inspires the fabric of your being and never be afraid to tell them how you're feeling, there's absolutely no shame in natural love and what makes you feel its essence for another person. Speak on that tugging awareness of the heart because its all too real how many of us never do before its too late- and never forget that you're beautiful as fuck just the way you are; from every flaw you have to every ugly thought of yourself that you considered to be a blemish of personality...its far from that. You're beautiful in every way because to be human is to be flawed, and to be human is to be real and true in its rawest form- to be human is to be you, just how you are, and that is fucking beautiful.
P.S. I probably shouldn't be writing this at the moment- its almost 2am, I’m slightly drunk, alone and lost somewhere in this downtown city, guided by intuition and a soothing hope for some kind of sign...but I’ll make it home.
PPS: This is an old note I had written about two years ago, I found it written in an old phone of mine. I guess it was some kind of note to self that I had typed out, and as I reread it recently, pieces of that night came back to me:
I had been with my brother and some friends downtown for the night, kind of just bar hopping and hanging out around the city, seeing where the night would take us. It had been some time since I had been out with everybody- as much of a social person that I am, I have my bouts where I crave solitude and sometimes I can let it carry me away- so naturally I was excited to go out and get some much needed socialization, to a certain extent at least haha. Time had passed effortlessly, as well as the drinks with it, and before I knew it, I was in a haze full of spirits and friends began to part their separate ways... I guess it had reached that time of the night where friends who had partners wanted some time for themselves and those that were single began responding to the late night calls of their dating life. I found myself the last to leave, but in a drunken state, full of harbored energy and feels, I wasn't ready to head home-where I knew I’d still be alone, but in the quiet with all my thoughts magnified by the silence... So I just started walking, anywhere my feet would take me. I ended up getting lost for a brief moment and a slight panic arose, which is weird because I know the downtown of my city like the back of my hand and I’m usually never afraid to walk through it at night by myself, but I think a part of me got lost in the faces- lost in the crowds of people fleeing the bars and clubs with each other; laughing, talking, hugging and kissing loved ones that were there with them, all seemingly so happy and wanted...and there I was, alone...stumbling for something so seemingly unfound and out of reach. It really hit me and I think I got so caught up in the thought of everything, I hadn't noticed where I was going and kind of just freaked out, momentarily losing my sense of direction. My eyes watered but I was determined not to let them pour out over the streets, they’ve had enough of my tears, so I just stopped walking and I don't remember if it was a curb or some kind of stoop on the side of a building, but I just sat there and wrote out that note to myself...at the time it seemed like the only thing to do. I think I sat there for like a good half hour just fucking writing everything going on in my head at that moment, watching the city and its people pass me by, wondering if anybody even noticed...I mean, if they did they probably just thought it was another guy who had too much to drink, drunk dialing somebody close to them or trying to get a taxi- well I walked home that night. The last place I wanted to be was in a cab with some stranger taking me home; at least I knew where I was going and with instinct and an unwavering faith in my anxious soul, I was in bed before I knew it...peacefully sleeping, clutching my pillow as if it could suspend my nights affliction.
There’s always something behind what I write, always emotionally charged and sometimes hard to put into words, but I manage to do the best I can to transcribe the inner workings of my mind & soul- it could be inspiration from the smallest detail of everyday life or an eventful night. Either way, I write because I have to, because if I didn't I’d probably be less communicative with how I feel and further from the path of a real & true connection.
