Another mass. Go me! That's three or four times the last year, 3 of which funerals. (that's a LOT for a very lapsed catholic convent girl)
It's been a day of platitudes.
You should... He wouldn't want.. at least he's.. time heals. You're strong..
Blah fucking blah. Just stop.
I'd rather a pat on the arm, a hug, an understanding silence than platitudes. Or jokes about who he was and what he'd say about the gathering, those that knew did just that and understood when I tried to find his humour at it all. The priest got his name right and then remembered both barrels and that made me smile.
Sometimes there are no words
There isn't some divine plan or will.
Sometimes things happen and they suck and they aren't fucking fair. And that's okay to feel that way. I'm allowed to feel that way. This was the first week I didn't feel like I'd forgotten to pick him up from wherever I left him off at... And then suddenly, I'm leaving him again..6ft down, on the top of a hill where he would actually like the view. Ish.
And he'd approve that this old part isnt overcrowded like the new side.. yea. He'd smile at that, he never did like overcrowding.. but he's also lonely in there.. see? Thoughts.
And some fucker keeps removing / hiding the pictures of me and my boy from Mum's room... They're messing with her head.. it's been happening for nearly two years now. I'll put them.back, and next time they're gone. So I'm putting a stop to that. The mgmt have been informed. Visual memories are important in dementia, if she doesn't see the photos she forgets.
But for once, today of all days. The one day I've ever needed my mum to know me, today. She recognised me. She hugged me and called me sweetiepie and wee skitter. She knew who I was.. and damn I needed that one small thing. I needed that hug. For a moment, the world was fine.
So yeah. Glimmers of bright.
And I saw some other family I'm getting to know again.
And once home, had a cuppa tea and could take off my masks and be quiet.
Tomorrow is Monday and I'll get up and do the things and be the grown up..
tonight tho, I'll just miss my dad. And my sister. and my best friend..and remember to live somewhere between the waves. And that's enough.
Tonight, I need a wee hug.
Tomorrow, I'll do the things and go the places and be who I'm supposed to be.
And find every damn glimmer I can
Life is frighteningly short.. so live it.
Even if it's an hour or a day at a time.
*Normal Miz service will resume shortly*
