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Please don’t ask about my birth. I can’t talk about it!

“I had a traumatic birth.” There it is. Straight and simple, I’d said it. In a nutshell, it was why I’d been hospitalised three times in the two years since my child was born.

A familiar look of confusion and curiosity passed over my friend’s face.

“What about it was traumatic?” my friend asked innocently. Implication: Your baby is alive and healthy so how come it was traumatic?

I paused and swallowed a lump in my throat. It’s not that I didn’t trust my friend or want to confide in her. I simply knew that if I tried to talk about it, the words might not come out. Sometimes, I was physically unable to speak about my birth. Or I might manage to talk but it would trigger a non-epileptic attack, a trauma-related condition called NEAD where my head shakes violently from side to side and my limbs jerk.

I decided to settle for honesty. “I can’t really talk about it. Maybe when I’ve gone through EMDR treatment I’ll be able to.”

Thankfully my friend soon dropped the subject!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for friends who care and take an interest. They are very well meaning and have the best of intentions. They just don’t get that trauma by its very nature is hard to talk about. Many also try to empathise by talking about the birth experience of someone they know without realising they may be triggering some really difficult and unpleasant memories for me.

I’m not alone in experiencing birth trauma. According to the Birth Trauma Association (www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk), about 30,000 women a year experience birth trauma in the UK. Partners who have witnessed a difficult or stressful birth can also experience birth trauma. PTSD UK (www.ptsduk.org/what-is-ptsd/post-natal-ptsd) says that symptoms may include recurring images of labour and birth, fear of birth, difficulty bonding with baby and feelings such as loneliness and guilt. The Birth Trauma Association notes that symptoms are often triggered by reminders of the birth, pregnant women or TV programmes such as One Born Every Minute.

So how can you help? To those of you who know or meet other mums who have had a traumatic birth, please be sensitive. Don’t be offended if your friend or family member can’t talk about it with you. Take their lead and let them share as much as they feel able or want to. Be ready to listen but don’t push them. Also, be aware that hearing others talk about birth and labour may not be helpful as it may trigger some really difficult memories for them. And please, please don’t jump to conclusions about what made it traumatic! Trauma is wide ranging and much more complex than whether your baby was born safely or not.

For those of you who, like me, have had a traumatic birth experience, don’t be afraid to tell your friends and family that you can’t talk about it. If you’re still processing a traumatic birth you may find it helpful to be able to talk about it in a safe way, perhaps with a therapist or a close trusted friend or family member, but you don’t have to share about it with everyone!

That said, make sure you don’t suffer alone. If you or someone you know has experienced birth trauma or may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), speak to your midwife, GP or health visitor or encourage them to do so. You can also get help from the following organisations and resources:

www.ptsduk.org.uk

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

www.mindwell-leeds.org.uk/baby

Recovery may not be straightforward but with the right support you can get past your birth trauma.