Being only tangentially around fandom means that I am usually blissfully unaware of the absolutely *incredible* takes people have to justify why they think what they think.
"This ship is romantic and perfect, haters are all invalid dumbasses because it's based off the author's marriage"
Lord have mercy, we're really in it now aren't we?
are there any signs/placements that you’ve found to get along better with? (also sorry if this is against ur faq, none of your links work for me anymore bc tumblr’s safe mode filter won’t recognize i’m 18+)
SAGITTARIUS, TAURUS, CAPRICORN, AQUARIUS, Gemini, Leo, Aries, and Scorpio sun men
LIBRA, Sagittarius, Aquarius, Gemini sun women
every now and then some Leo women are actually on my level; sometimes (read: very rarely) I get along with Scorpio, Capricorn, and sometimes Cancer sun women, but they must be evolved and at least mid if not high-functioning first for me to even bother
Aquarius, Capricorn, and Taurus moons
Taurus, Gemini, Pisces, Leo, Libra venus
ARIES, Taurus, Capricorn, Virgo mars
the rest of the planets are irrelevant, BUT
I tend to get along with certain select members of the Scorpio Pluto generation and definitely get along much better with those born in earlier generations (the Sag generation and beyond is nutssss; I don’t have any respect for yall)
It all depends on who the person is, really, but these tend to be the signs I like/respect/am friends with/acknowledge/get along with the most
My dad ruined my self esteem at such an impressionable age. I don’t know how to get over that. I don’t know how to view myself as anything other than grotesque and undesirable. I try, but I always revert back to the 13 year old girl I was.
Little shards of reflective glass
Claim their new home
Embedded in the skin of my knuckles
Drops of red fall like a summer rain
Turning this porcelain sink
into a literal blood bath
But at least the man in the mirror is gone
I’ll happily bleed out
knowing I never have to see his fucking face again
The rug is covered in a dangerous glitter
and the soles of my feet crush them even more
A blood dance, like a macabre stripper
they twinkle from the soft yellow glow
one gets from halogen bulbs
I can feel myself getting dizzy
My arm now carrying tributaries and rivers
leading to the lakes on the floor
She knocks on the door
asking if I’m ok, if I’m alright
I feel too tired to reply
but manage to spit out the words “I’m fine”
but she doesn’t believe my quiet lie
and she opens the door
to a scene straight out of a snuff film
I slowly make my way to the floor
my legs just don’t want to hold the weight
spread out and making broken mirror angels
and not even a second passes
before she is next to me
holding my hand above my heart with one hand
as she dial’s 9-1-1 with the other
her voice fades in and out
and I lose interest in the conversation
Everything sounds like an adult in Peanuts
womp womp womp womp
but I see her crying
and I filled with guilt and shame
I mumble I’m sorry
but she doesn’t hear a thing
I had a really great conversation with my therapist today that began with asking what kind of impact can small things have on babies/small children even if they don’t remember them which led to the way kids think their parent perceive them.
Like thinking your parent had a favorite child. Some parents do. Some parents genuinely don’t and no amount of anything will make a child believe otherwise if they somehow got it into their head that they are not favored.
TL;DR: I think I hit upon the root of where all my self-esteem issues come from and why it’s so hard to undo.
While I was reading the first part of “The Road Less Traveled” I randomly revisited knowledge I have about year-old me. My sister is 15 months younger than me. For the first 2.5 years of my life we lived with my dad’s parents. I have memories of living there but only one of my mom and it was before my sister was born. After she was born, I don’t have memories of my mom until we moved into our own house. As an adult I learned from my mom that when my sister was born, my grandmother ‘took me away’. Ostensibly because she thought Mom needed to focus on her newborn and a 1-year old would get in the way. It made Mom depressed. And it likely messed me up big-time.
I read some news that a celebrity I admire is going to give birth soon and the information made me feel panicked. I recognize this as a pattern I experience so I thought about it. A few of my RL friends have had kids, some have tried to have kids, and acquaintances have had kids. In all cases I’ve felt a sense of dread and panic every time. I mean, in general I really don’t care for babies. Human spawn is, to me, more interesting when I can talk to them, even a little. But babies, no. I also recognize that babies and kids take up a lot of time and effort - as they should, I mean, parents should pay attention to their kids. But I feel this panic and if I think about it even a little, I recognize that I feel like I’m being replaced. I immediately view this as a selfish thought so I stamp it down and ignore it and try to “ fake it til I make it” by saying the right things and trying to be supportive about the new baby.
It wasn’t til I’d read what I’d read that I put the two things together and talking to my T about it brought even more clarity, like pointing out that when we’re that small, we don’t have words for things, just pure concepts, which are much harder to process and are immediate and powerful. I guess I honestly felt I’d been replaced when I was taken away from my mom when my sister was born. I’m glad my mom told me about this all those years ago otherwise I’d never have figured this out. I think this has a cascading effect on all the rest of my self esteem issues -- like why even though I did have some encouragement and time spent with my parents, in particular my mom, it was never enough. Because I had already been replaced, why would it be worth telling me things? *I* had no value based on this experience so how could I trust what she told me?
I was SUCH a fucking stubborn kid when it came to my parents - especially my mom. And putting it into this context makes a lot of sense out of things: I couldn’t trust praise, I couldn’t trust support, I couldn’t trust encouragement, I couldn’t trust discipline - if someone has no value, it doesn’t ACTUALLY matter what is said or done to it, I must’ve subconsciously thought.. My parents were good people and they did their best - but the VERY first thing I’d learned in life was that I wasn’t THE most important thing to them. And even though I didn’t remember this about being a year old, it underlined every single interaction for me. I questioned everything. I questioned all the adults - family and teachers. I couldn’t believe something unless I could see it concrete for myself. I’m STILL like this.
It’s probably the root of why I have a hard time accepting complements or trusting that people like me, why I never think I’m good enough for anything - I wasn’t good enough for my own mom to want to keep. All these ultimate in mistaken beliefs.
All because my grandmother likely thought she was being helpful by making sure I didn’t bother my mom for a year and a half when I was 1+. Its so ludicrous! But it had such a huge impact.
Maybe this blog isn't funny. Maybe suffering isn't funny. Maybe suicide isn't funny. Maybe I'm just a worthless piece of garbage who embarrasses themselves with overly dramatic frightening statements. Oh yeah, that's the one. The one where I'm horrible. That's always true. Better erase the blog and hide in shame. Perfect, I love hiding in shame. It's like a vacation from self worth. Who needs that bs anyway?
