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No Stage (pt.3) End

Pairing: Jimin x Reader

Type: angst, fluff.

Warning(s): graphic description of panic attack and anxiety, mention of drinking as in acoholism problem, slightly disfunctional family, lot of tears, hurtful fight, mention of insecurities (not being enough), insults (not a lot but still).

Note : Hi everyone! SO! It’s finally here, did I end up giving up proofreading? I totally did LMAO. Me: I want the last chapter to be perfect! Also me: Fuck proofreading I can’t wait anymore. HAHAHA. ANYWAY! It’s been a long time since I started that, but I finally, finally finished it. Not going to lie, I shed some tears at some points, I’m a very sensitive bean. I really hope you will like it, please feedback is warmly welcomed T-T I can’t stress that enough but it really warms my heart to see comments. It truly helps me moving from projects to projects. Anyway, take well care of you guys! I’ll try not to die with uni haha, lots of love,

-Dolly (who will go to sleep asap hahaha).

Words : 11k (phew).

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To say that (Y/N) was conflicted would be an euphemism. She wished she could quieten down her heart right now because the way it skipped a beat each time she thought of the male dancer was annoying. Jimin had not mentioned the competition again but he was adamant on getting her to dance with him. It felt nic- weird. It definitely felt weird; especially considering everything that had happened between them.

They ended up keeping the choreography even though (Y/N) thought that it would make more sense to change it (it was way too intimate if you asked her). But again, her heart would not let her ask for it. Yet, he had asked her more than once if she was fine with the choreography-she had thought it had been sweet the way he had seemed so worried about her being comfortable with it-but after looking at their recording, she could not get herself to ask for a change. If she had to be honest with herself, it did look beautiful. They looked beautiful.

And against all expectations, she found herself thinking that she also looked beautiful.

It wasn’t something she thought often, quite the opposite actually. It had been a while since she had taken the time to see herself; or even to simply take a look at herself in the mirror for more than a few seconds. She was used to quickly checking her appearance just to make sure that she had everything with her, but she had never stopped to properly look at herself. However, as soon as she had gotten home, her first instinct had been to check the pretty smile that refused to leave her features. She was dizzy with happiness. Her mind seemed to be somewhere else or stuck on the stage with Jimin; she was not really sure.

But it frightened her.

The happiness she had felt while dancing with Jimin terrorized her. She had tried for so long to bury those feelings deep inside of her, not willing to let them out. She even went as far as to try to convince herself that not dancing anymore had not changed anything in her life. Dancing was dispensable while studies were not as her parents had always said when she had been younger. Dancing had to be a hobby and nothing else.

Until she remembered.

Until she remembered the feelings, the thrill, the adrenaline. She suddenly remembered the way all of those sensations used to intertwin, washing over her when she danced; it now slapped her in her face while she was looking at herself in the mirror. Who had she been trying to fool? Tears stung her eyes but she deeply breathed in order to conceal them. She would not cry anymore; she had done enough of that in the past few years. So what if her life had been and still was a mess? So what if she could not leave everything behind to start dancing again? It would be fine, she would manage just as she had the first time. She would do the competition and then, no more. She had quit dancing once, it shouldn't be that hard to do it again, right? She had accepted that dancing wouldn't be a constant in her life anymore after she had stopped; so it was no news anyway. However, as she heard her phone ringing, bringing her back to reality, she realized why she was hesitating and why it would be harder than it had been the first time. She saw his name on the screen and she sighed heavily.

Jimin would probably find it hard to understand that dancing and her had to break up, and for good.

♦ ♢ ♦

"So! I just put our names on the list for the competition. It's not definitive at all, of course. If you want me to remove it, I will. But I think it's going pretty well for now, aren't we good?" He smiled at her-maybe a little bit too widely-but it was just the way she made him feel that tended to overwhelm him.

The past week had honestly been weird. On one hand, Jimin had been elated to dance with (Y/N). Of course, she still had it in her blood, she was born to dance.

Okay, it did take her three days to get more comfortable with her own body, true, but still! Baby steps! On the other hand however, their relationship was just so fragile that Jimin never knew if what he was doing was okay or if he was overstepping her comfort zone. As long as they were in the practice room she seemed to be okay, actually interacting with him in a quite friendly manner, laughing and giggling a little bit. It had not been anything big, but she had slowly been letting go of her inhibitions in front of him and he had been so glad. But as soon as they were outside, or in class, or anywhere else actually, she just silently met his eyes, waved quietly and disappeared as soon as he had spotted her. It had disturbed him at first, not really knowing her reasons for acting like that. He just hoped that no one was bothering her after everything that had happened in their classroom on the first day. He tried to pay attention to that, to see if anyone was trying to mess with her behind closed doors, but everything seemed to be fine; no one was actively paying attention to her or being openly mean with her. Jimin could only pray that it wasn’t just a misleading image and that people had truly left her outside of any drama because he knew that even if people bothered her, she would probably keep it for herself and not tell him or anyone. Hence why he paid an extra bit of attention on that point and breathed more comfortably when he realized that she was fine. That was, at least, a good thing.

But it did not explain their weird interactions outside of the dance studio. He was really curious and it was fair. He couldn't really understand her cold shoulder. Was it because he was famous? Maybe it disturbed her and she wanted to avoid the attention. It was more than possible after all. He sighed heavily as he stared at her, stretching. He knew he was not being fair. He was technically the one to have asked her to dance with him and to try to become her friend. She had no reasons to act more friendly than she already did. It was already nice of her to keep going with his weird ideas and to not throw him out.

"We're okay. Even though I'm not too sure on actually performing, I'll try my best anyway." Her smile was small and unsure so he tried to push his previous insecurities away to focus on her. He did not want to pressure her but he truly hoped that she would perform with him.

"Hey, I know it might be a lot for you. Even for me, sometimes, performing is a big deal, even though I do it almost every day nowadays", he tried to chuckle but it came out dryly. He didn't know why he felt that weird suddenly but the whole atmosphere had turned awkward.

"Are... Are you okay Jimin?" She quietly asked, not sure if she wanted to know or not but it seemed wrong not to make sure. He had been so gentle with her for the past few days, always making sure she felt alright and comfortable; she didn’t want to know if something was wrong because it was likely to be her fault for reasons she would probably ignore, but she couldn’t just ignore his apparent uneasiness. And if it was her fault, she would try to do better. She could probably try for him who always tried his best for her...

"I... Can I ask you a blunt question?" See? She already didn't like where this was going.

"Can't promise you an answer but go ahead."

"Why do you avoid me outside of our dance practice? I know we are... How can I say that... Like, you're my friend!", she raised her head at those words, visibly confused and Jimin got slightly disappointed at that. "Ah, I mean at least to me… To me you are my friend and I don't know... I really want to hang out with you outside of this room as well? But it feels like you’d do anything to avoid me sometimes so..." For some reasons, he got shy and insecure as she did not answer. Would she tell him to go away and never come back if he insisted too much? Their 'friendship', if it even was one, was so fragile and new. He did not want to put an end to it just because he was greedy. So he tried to save the situation:

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked you that. We're not even really friends to begin with, I'm so-"

"What are you on about, of course we're friends Jimin." Those words soothed his worries down for a moment before he saw how conflicted she looked "I'm just... Not really used to hanging out with people. I just tend to try to avoid everyone to also avoid troubles. I don't like it when the attention is on me." She tried to simply shrug it off but Jimin raised an eyebrow.

"But... I mean, when you're a dancer, you end up performing in front of some or many people." He didn't understand, did he?

"Yeah, that's exactly why I didn't and still do not want to do the competition." Something clicked for him suddenly.

Oh.

Oh, he did not expect that and she could easily tell by his face that he did not.

"You... Have stage fright?" he sounded incredulous, as if the mere idea had never crossed his mind, which was the case if he were to be honest.

"I wouldn't really call it 'stage fright' because it isn’t quite that strong, but I have always been extremely anxious in those situations, Jimin." She smiled lightly because she was somewhat happy to learn that he did not know. It felt like she had done a good job at hiding it when she had been younger. To be fair, she had been mostly getting extremely anxious and nervous right before a show but did not qualify it as stage fright because she did not want to admit it. What kind of dancer had stage fright? Not little her; she had denied it all. But years later, after she had stopped going on stage, she could acknowledge her fear-still wouldn't call it a ‘stage fright’ because she had seen many people with a fear way stronger than hers-but still. At least, once she was on the stage, she was able to forget a little bit. Hence, she had learnt to deal with her extreme stress and nervosity and to make something out of it on stage. However, it did not mean that she had not thrown up more than once before going up. And with time, she forgot the exhilarating feelings that came after the stress and started developing major anxiety because of it. Her not going back on stage had probably been a reason why her anxiety became more and more present in her daily life but she would never admit it.

"Why have you never said anything?" He couldn't believe he had missed that. How on Earth had he been able to miss the signs when they had been younger?

"I mean, back then I had an unwavering enemy to defeat so I pushed through it despite me being scared shitless. And after I stopped, I guess it just kind of got stronger in more regular settings." She grinned a little bit at her words. She had had a mission: defeat Jimin, and nothing would have been able to stop her at that time. He grinned shyly too, mirroring her expression.

"See? We need to get you one stage even more now that I know that." Her own smile disappeared quickly. She had actually hoped for the opposite reaction.

"Wha-Why?"

"Because you were dealing with your anxiety way better when you were able to dance on a stage! You said it yourself; you pushed through it because you didn't want to fail. So we are going to work on your stress management at the same time, isn't that amazing?" She definitely did not share his optimism nor his confidence about that but she didn't really know how to answer without seeing his blinding smile crumbling.

She shook her head. What the hell are you thinking about? Focus!

"It's really not that easy-"

"We won't know until we try (Y/N)! Come on, wouldn't it be good if you could at least get less anxious nowadays? I'm not telling you to stop your studies to focus on dancing even though you have more than just what it takes, I would never force you to do something that crazy. But if going on stage just once can help it a little, wouldn't it be great to try?" He knew how to handle her heart, didn't he? His charming smile was on full display. However, she wasn’t too sure about what he was saying. It made her anxious just to think about it.

"It would be nice yeah, but I don't think that it would change anything Jimin. I used to be less stressed only because I forced myself to, it had nothing to do with the actual performance." He pouted at her words and she almost felt bad to say it out loud. Almost.

"But what if it does?" He didn’t want to let go, what if it helped? He just really wanted to help her.

"It won't Jimin. You work daily inside of this crazy world; you probably know people who have high anxiety or stage fright, right? So you know that one experience on stage does not change anything. It's mostly a question of getting used to the pressure and trying to deal with it anyway." And he knew she was right. He knew, but he still wanted to believe otherwise. Her demeanor made it clear for him that she refused to let his idea in, trying to block him from pushing it further, but he felt desperate. He just wanted to help and if one performance on a stage could, what did she have to lose?

"Still. It's not the same for everyone, what if it works for you?" He tried to smile gently but he saw that his words had the opposite effect. She was starting to feel annoyed. He started to panic, how could he fix it? He did not want for her to shut him off.

"It won't." Her tone was not playful anymore and he knew he had read the sign well. She wasn’t playful anymore and she now fully refused to hear him out. His smile was crisped and with gritted teeth, he wondered if he should just drop the subject or if he should push it again. He was getting irritated at her for not believing it could help. Scepticism was normal, he wasn’t sure if it could work either, but he would appreciate it if she could at least be more receptive to him. She was just blocking him out as if his idea made no sense. It stung a little.

“You could at least think of it.” He passively tried one last time. He did not want to argue with (Y/N) but she seemed slightly too eager to reject his ideas. He tried not to focus on that but it hurt him.

“There is nothing to think about. It won’t work. End of the discussion.” He ironically and mentally noted that the discussion had already ended way before she even said it. He couldn’t help it but snort, earning a glare from her.

"Of course if you think so negatively it won't." He had not been able to prevent that one from coming out.

"Excuse me?" Her body language changed completely but he didn’t pay too much attention to that. Jimin just felt like she had been waiting for him to snap so that she could get angry at him.

"I'm saying that if you want things to go wrong they will! You want so bad to prove me wrong; are you going to make yourself miserable just to be right? Come on then, go ahead I won't hold you!" His words were harsher than intended but he was feeling frustrated. He could already feel the taste of regret in his mouth though. Why had this conversation turned so aggressive suddenly?

"Fine, our whole agreement was a mistake anyway. I should have never answered you that day."

Wait what?

He watched bewildered as she started gathering her belongings. He panicked at the sight; he knew he had gone too far with his last sentence but she had been pushing it too! He knew it was not really the moment to think about who was responsible for the sudden turn of this discussion but she had definitely not been the most pacific one! He was not the one suddenly saying that their whole friendship was a mistake...

"You're leaving just like that?" He almost sounded confused but she could hear his annoyance loud and clear. (Y/N) wanted to laugh bitterly.

"Why should I bother staying for someone who thinks he figured me out in 2 weeks when he does not bother looking up from his ass?" He internally snapped at her words. Fine, she wanted to play dirty like that? To be mean just because she could? Then she would give her what she wanted: a reason to be mad at him. He’d hit where he knew it would hurt the most, see if it’s fun.

"I thought you had changed but actually you still are the same." The harshness in his voice was icy and she almost felt a shiver as she met his eyes. She was a little bit taken aback but her own anger won over the guilt that she felt for talking to him like she just did. She knew she had not been the most welcoming one regarding his idea, but had she not made it clear enough that she had tried to change the subject rather than to argue about something they would probably never agree on? It was okay to disagree; she had nothing against that. She had just tried to stop the conversation before they could come to… well, that. But instead of voicing that, she chose to do the same thing: throw hurtful words right back at him. It was easier to choose confrontation than to talk about her feelings.

"Yeah? I thought you did too but you're still a selfish asshole who now believes he's so great that he can miraculously cure anxiety. Wake up, Park Jimin. I'm not a broken little girl in need of assistance and my anxiety won't suddenly be solved just because you think you can." She had felt the tears ready to spill but desperately kept them inside. Anger was stronger than the betrayal she felt. She had actually believed that they were friends at some points and that, somehow, they understood each other. It seemed that she had gotten it all wrong though. Befriending him had been a mistake anyway. She had wondered how long it would last, mostly because her own insecurities were speaking, but now she guessed that she had her answer anyway.

"I’d have to bend over backward to please you anyway. You still run away each time something does not go according to your plan. You don't like it when things do not go like you wanted them to? You don't know what it means to work for something, you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth. Now you wait for me to snap at you so that I end up becoming the villain and so that you can rightfully run away, you, the nice little angel of the story? The truth is uglier and we both know it: sweet little (Y/N) did not work for something and still wanted to get it without putting the effort in it." It was so low and uncalled for, he would probably regret his words later but for now, he was blinded with hurt. How could she say that he was self-absorbed? He had wanted to help her. He had wanted to protect her and to make her smile again. Had he been wrong when he had thought she was the kind of person who would never give up? Who would fight for her passion? Maybe he had.

"Fuck you, Park. You don't know me nor my family. Don't you dare say those kinds of things again." Hurt, betrayed, humiliated. She had never thought she would feel all of that again. She thought she had forgotten that day; that day when she had had to give up dancing because of Park Jimin. She had been so stupid to promise her parents she would give it up if she didn't get the solo stage. It had been stupid of her because in the end, she had lost everything. And he had been the one to be able to humiliate her, going up to her with that victorious smirk that had become his signature, taunting her as if he had not already crushed her to the ground. She had also felt hurt because of the sympathetic smiles of her teacher who told her it wasn't only about competency or dancing skills. She had learnt about a criterion that she had never even thought of considering right before she left. Her dance teacher had called her back inside to tell her that she could always try for something else! (Y/N) could tell that the professor had been feeling bad for her when she told her that she could try the duo stage instead. The blank that had followed had been uncomfortable and her teacher finally, yet very quietly, admitted that she had not stood a chance against Jimin's popularity in the school. She had blinked twice before understanding what it truly meant.

“The whole school is expecting Jimin, not you (Y/N). I really wish it was different because you have what it takes… But it’s not only a question of abilities. You have to charm your audience, and it’s something that you overlooked and Jimin did not. He knows he is the most popular dancer and he uses it for himself, which you failed to do.”

She had lost before she had even tried that day. She had cried after learning that because how unfair had that been? How did they let her play her future on that solo performance if they had all known she'd never make it? Granted, none of them had known about her promise to her parents, but 15 years old (Y/N) had not cared about that fact, and besides, would have any of the trainers been honest with her and prevented her from ruining her potential career as a dancer before she could make that dumb promise?

Probably not. She had been an average dancer to them and would have never mattered much more than that.

"Truth always hurts more, right?" He smirked, knowing he had the last word. She had enough of him believing he always knew better than anyone else. So she kept quiet, took her bag and left without a word. She just hoped that she was able to prevent him from seeing her tears. She couldn't let him see how affected she was by his words.

No, not anymore. Even if it meant no stage for her anymore, she would not let a tear fall because of him or dancing again.

No stage, no disappointment.

♦ ♢ ♦

He wanted to punch himself. Why, instead of pouring oil on the fire, had he not tried to stop the argument before it was too late?

He had been angry. True.

True, but it did not mean that he couldn’t have tried to stop the fight nevertheless. He truly wished he had because now, (Y/N) was not answering any of his messages or calls anymore, she did not come to practice anymore and he barely had time to glance at her after class that she had already disappeared. His words left more than just a sour aftertaste. He had seen the tears threatening to spill from her eyes but she had kept on going with her mean words nevertheless. He got angry; her words had left him hurting and the anger that had crept inside of him had been translated by vomiting those awful words right back at her, making sure to hit where it would hurt.

Goodness, he hated himself. His goal had been to try to befriend her, not to become the person she probably hated the most. He knew he wasn’t the only guilty one in what happened, but it didn’t prevent him from feeling awful about it.

They were almost done with the performance: the choreography was ready, their show was mostly done. They just had to look for appropriate costumes and they would have been done. They had been so, so close, so why? Why had he not been able to close his damn mouth and keep this question for after the show? Would the argument have still come to life if he had waited?

No. It felt wrong to think like that. He simply wished the argument had not happened at all. He wished he still could see her shy smile as she watched him dancing. He wished her head would suddenly pop, her giggles still ringing in his mind. He wished he still could playfully bicker with her about music tastes.

But no. Instead, she had obviously been focussed on avoiding him while he was trying to come up with a good apology. As he remembered what happened, he hoped that she had said those things out of anger and that she had not meant it. He truly hoped that she knew that he wanted to be helpful. He never meant to sound like he knew better than her or could “fix her up”. However, he also couldn’t help but wonder if she knew that, from his side, he had not meant any of his words. If anyone had worked to get where they were, it was her. He had known back then that her family wasn’t really supportive of her being a dancer. He had not meant to overhear but he once had been about to catch her as she was waiting for her bus but she had been calling with someone. The voice on the other side of the device had been loud enough for him to hear “Dancing is ridiculous anyway, your father and I won’t tolerate it any longer. You are just being childish, (Y/N)”. He had frowned hearing that. And when he had turned to see her reaction to those harsh words, he had been surprised to find no reaction. Her features had been devoid of any anger or sorrow; Jimin had been met with total emptiness. She had not even noticed him. She had just nodded, said goodbye and left even though Jimin knew that she was normally taking the bus. It had confused him and the bus had arrived right after she had left. She wasn’t that far away so she could probably still catch it if he called after her. He had thus been torn between calling her name so that she could take the bus, or letting her take some time for herself as she had obviously needed. He had chosen to let her walk. After all, it was none of his business but when the bus passed by her, he had not been able to resist checking up on her and had caught a glimpse of her tears before she was nowhere to be seen anymore as the bus was already far away from her.

It had taken him by surprise. He had felt bad for her, not knowing how he would have handled the whole thing if his parents were not being supportive of his choices. He would have probably quit dancing if he were to be honest. That night, he had even talked about it with his parents. Jimin had asked if they actually were proud of him for working hard for his dreams or they thought that he was not being reasonable. His parents had been greatly confused and had slightly panicked, asking him if they ever made him feel like they were not proud of him. The confusion had quickly disappeared as Jimin had explained that he had discovered that the parents of one of the talented dancers of his group were not supportive at all of her choices and it bothered her a lot.

“I mean I understand why she cried. If you were to be against me pursuing an idol career, I don’t know if I would be able to continue. It would feel wrong to me.” His parents had listened to his rambles for a good 20 minutes and they had quickly comforted him: they were very proud of their son and of his decisions. As long as he was happy and still working for a back-up plan, that was all that mattered to them.

“I don’t understand why her parents could be so against it. She’s very talented, you know? She’s like… One of the best. We always bicker because it’s fun to be honest. But I don’t understand. Have they never seen her dance? They should feel proud to have such a talented daughter.” It had actually really left a deep mark on his mind. How could parents talk like that about the passion of their child? It had always been very clear that (Y/N) loved dancing.

“You know Jimin, sometimes, parents make mistakes because they want the best for their children. Maybe they think that dancing is not the best for her and they just clumsily try to protect her.” It had made sense, but he still had not felt like it had been right. She had cried after all.

“But what if it just makes their child miserable?”

“Well then, you can just hope that they will notice before they do too much damages.” And as Jimin remembered that conversation with his parents, something clicked. Looking back at it, had it been why she had left dancing? He hoped not, she couldn’t have thrown all of that away just for her parents, had she? He suddenly felt the need to call her but he knew she would not answer. For some reasons she still had not blocked him so he still could try. Yet, instead of calling as he had first wanted to, he started typing very aggressively before sending a new message.

Jimin: Tell me you didn’t quit dancing because your parents were against. Please.

Was it too much? Technically, he didn’t even know why he cared so much. After everything that had been wrongly said during their argument, maybe he should just give up, remove their names from the competition and go one with his life. But he couldn’t.

He couldn’t, not when he had learnt to know her-to know that she loved peach flavored juice, to know that she disliked make-up because she thought it was gross even though she used some, to know that she loved winter and warm tea, to know that she was a cat person, to know that she hated english and math with every fiber of her being, to know that, despite everything, dancing was still her first love.

And when his phone vibrated, he got extremely nervous as it might be her first answer in a few days.

(Y/N): How do you even know about my parents?

Oh well. He had not thought of how he could explain it without sounding creepy. But the only fact that she had answered made his heart race for some stupid reasons. He should be mad at her after everything she said. He knew he should, but he couldn’t.

Jimin: I once heard them talking about it when we were younger. They said it was ridiculous and you cried. It didn’t feel fair to me. I thought it was mean and I didn’t understand at that time. I even talked about it with my parents.

(Y/N): Why?

Jimin: It made no sense to me for parents to be against the passion of their child.

He did not get an answer after that so he felt the need to message again. He had not meant for her to feel bad about it.

Jimin: Hey I’m sorry. I shouldn't have mentioned it.

Jimin: I’m also sorry for what I said the other day. I didn’t mean it. I hope you know that.

He hoped that it sounded genuine because it was hard to convey emotions through messages. He wondered if he should try to call her instead but it felt like a little bit too much maybe. They still had not made up after all.

(Y/N): I didn’t mean it either. I don’t know why I got so angry, I’m sorry.

Okay well baby steps. He needed to be careful. They had progressed but he couldn’t see her reactions so he couldn’t really know what was happening. He did not know why she was finally having a mood swing and finally decided to answer. Maybe her parents had been a triggering topic. Maybe he should have refrained from bringing it up.

Jimin: It’s okay, really. I’m sorry for pushing the idea even though you were clearly uncomfortable. I should have dropped it.

Jimin: Do you still want to do the competition or? We really do not have to.

Jimin: and I promise I won’t try to force you to do it.

Jimin: Just be honest.

Okay maybe he should give her time to answer as well before starting sweating because of her lack of answers. She was maybe overwhelmed and he was being a little bit too much. Who texted four messages anyway?

(Y/N): I don’t know. I really enjoy dancing with you. But at the same time, it’s different than just dancing with you. Being on a stage, I mean.

And he got it. He understood that.

Jimin: I can imagine, that’s why I am telling you that we don’t have to. I just want you to know that they are recruiters at the performance, if you ever want to quit everything to go back to dancing, it might be the occasion. But if you do not want to, maybe we don’t need to go through it.

(Y/N): I’ll do it.

His heart raced again. He felt a little bit stupid to be so affected by her messages but he couldn’t help it. He felt like a schoolboy all over again.

Jimin: for real?

(Y/N): It’s not really for the recruiters, don’t misunderstand. I don’t know what I want, to be honest. I’ve been told so many times that dancing was just a waste of time that I started believing that too.

Jimin: But it’s not just that to you, is it? I mean, would you have put up with me for the past three weeks if it was just a waste of time?

(Y/N): Jimin, I just told you I don’t know what I want, what I think. I’m just lost. It does not feel like I’ll ever be enough to dance, but it also does not seem like I’ll ever be enough to do whatever would please my parents. It’s been a long time since I stopped trying to think of what I wanted.

Jimin: Can I call you?

♦ ♢ ♦

(Y/N) panicked when she saw his name on the screen. She had known it had been a bad idea to answer his message. She had tried so hard to avoid him and to pretend that nothing had happened between them, as if they still were strangers... However, the messages about her parents did not sit well with her. She had never talked about that with him; she had never thought that he had noticed or known. So, not being able to prevent herself from texting back, the conversation started really clumsily; it was awkward to text him after their argument.

She should have blocked him a long time ago.

But then he started apologizing and the guilt she had tried to bury resurfaced again. Despite her own hurt feelings, she knew that she had definitely not been tender with him. She had tried to say whatever she thought would hurt the most so that he would leave her alone.

Why had she wanted him to leave so suddenly? She couldn’t even correctly remember. She had gotten so angry at the anxiety thing, but then, it got out of her own control. Why had she snapped so suddenly? She felt embarrassed of herself to be honest. She had not run away from him just because they had wanted to have nothing to do with him anymore; but rather because it seemed impossible to explain how she had not been able to manage her anger at all and thus had latched onto him quite unfairly. She was too prideful to admit it to his face. So texting was easier.

Hence, she panicked when he asked her if he could call. She was desperately trying to type “please no” but did not get to send it as she could already see his incoming call. How could she hide her pathetic hiccups now? Texting was definitely easier: she had been able to hide her tears as she had recognized her biggest insecurity; she did not know what she was doing with her life. It was hard for her to admit that she had no idea of what she wanted. (Y/N) had spent her last few years trying to please her parents but to no avail. She had never been enough. She had spent countless nights wondering if her parents would ever be proud of her. Had they told her that dancing was a waste of time only because she was the one doing it or because they truly thought that the activity in itself was not worth it? Maybe it had been her all along because even when she had tried to pursue what they had expected her to, they had only expressed their disappointment.

“Hey, you better not mean what you just typed.” She could hear his voice loud and clear and she shuddered, wondering when she had accepted the call. She must have done it mechanically, much to her dismay. She was now stuck with Jimin on the phone and couldn’t hide her wrecked mind anymore.

“I just-”, she tried to sound casual but she got stuck in the middle of her sentence, unable to continue.

“Have you been crying?” Jimin sounded panicked, she laughed quietly as she heard him fuss over her at the end of the line. He kept on asking if he should come to her with food or maybe to play games together and it made her smile warmly. The whole argument they had a few days ago seemed now so pointless and stupid that she wanted to laugh at herself. Why had she gotten so mad at Jimin?

“I’m sorry…”

“Nope, nope! Don’t say sorry. You can’t! We’ll just… (Y/N) you know, it’s okay not to know what you want to do. You don’t have to have a dream to live happily.” She sighed as she heard his soothing voice. “You’re not sure you want to be a dancer? It’s okay, no one will ever force you to become one. You don’t think that you’re cut to do what your parents expect you to? Well I think you can do it, you’re an amazing and smart woman, there are no reasons you cannot do it. But will it make you happy and is that something you want to do? That’s a question that only you have the answer to.” She closed her eyes, trying to forget about everything for a minute. She liked his voice very much. He made it seem like nothing else existed and mattered.

“But what if I only end up being a disappointment?” It was barely louder than a whisper but Jimin still caught her voice.

“A disappointment? For your parents? (Y/N), are they going to live your life?”

“No of course not, but-”

“I know you care a lot about what they think. I understand, I would be devastated if my parents were to be against what I want. But sometimes, it does not mean that it is fair. Your parents might want the best for you, but who knows better than you what makes you happy?” It made sense, but at the same time, her parents would always be there to see what she did.

“No one… Maybe... Except you.” She admitted quietly and he smiled softly at her answer.

“I wish I could tell you easily what makes you happy (Y/N). I know you like to dance; that’s true, but would you be happy to work in that field? That’s another thing and this one, you’re the only one to have the answer.” She nodded despite the fact that he couldn’t see her.

“So. What I propose is, we do this dumb competition. Obviously, we win it, and we see what you want to do afterward. Is that alright?”

“You won’t leave after the competition is done?” She seemed surprised that he did not want to only win and then well.. Then what?

“Does our friendship have an expiration date I’m not aware of, (Y/N)?” He laughed slightly, leaving her a blushing mess on the other side of the phone. She could barely believe that they had been fighting a few days ago. It truly made no sense. Not when she lov- not when they spoke together like they had always been friends. She treasured those moments.

“No, no it does not.” She smiled a bit.

“Good. Then we meet each other tomorrow to adjust the details, we win the whole thing and we go to celebrate at the restaurant. Sounds good?” She sighed at ease again. She could finally breathe a little bit better.

“Sounds good.”

♦ ♢ ♦

She was frantic. The costume suited her very well, her make-up was also pretty and Jimin and her had gotten through every movement together again one last time the day before.

However, she couldn’t help the violent shudders that were taking over her body, she couldn’t control her mind that was spiralling, imagining the worst possible scenarios that could happen during their performance, she couldn’t prevent her head from spinning and the constant want to vomit. To sum up: she was a wreck. She could faintly hear the music of other performances but she did not enjoy the festive atmosphere of the competition. Some people had thrown her some nasty looks but she was so anxious that she had not had the time to focus on that. She messaged Jimin for the billionth time to know where he was, without getting an answer. It was stressing her. She was alone when they were supposed to be together and their performance was supposed to happen in ten minutes. Had Jimin given up on her? She could understand; after all, why would someone like him want to dance with her in front of the whole school? He probably got cold feet and she couldn’t even get mad at him. Her own parents had never showed up back then when she was on the stage so why would someone want to accompany her for a performance? It was all useless, her parents had been right since the very beginning, had they not?

Everything would be okay at some point though, right?

No, nothing was okay, she was crying out of frustration, had already thrown up twice and she could already see black dots filling her vision. Just great. She was shivering as if she had a fever and she could hear less and less clearly, a tinnitus taking over her hearing. Fuck.

She was having a panic attack. No actually, she was about to faint. She felt it and she knew the signs; the shivers were getting harder and harder to hold back, meaning that she was close. She needed to quickly lie down and lift her legs in the air, it would at least help the blood flow and maybe prevent her from passing out. She would probably need a sugar cube as well but for now, she needed to stay conscious first. However, she needed to be careful. If she passed out while trying to switch her position, her head could collide with anything while falling down and she might wake up in a hospital. If she could at least avoid that, she would be grateful. Yet, as her mind was racing, she suddenly heard the door of the improvised dressing room open and someone was now scooping her into their arms. The scene felt familiar, as if she had already lived something similar, and she could smell the cologne that she had grown to adore after dancing so hard with the man for the past few days.

Jimin had arrived.

He was calling her name, she could faintly hear it over the confusion in her head. She tried to tell him that she needed to lie down and lift her legs up. She was not sure that she succeeded in pronouncing those words, it felt more like gibberish to her, but it seemed like he got it nevertheless because she was now lying down on something rather comfy and her legs were slightly up. Her hand was then pressed against something hard, covered by another hand, probably his, but as she felt her hand slowly moving up and down, she understood that Jimin had pressed her hand over his chest so that she could match his breathing. She tried her hardest to focus on the simple motion, breathing as deeply as she could without being interrupted by her own chills. Gosh she felt so pathetic. How many times had she cried in front of him already? She was not that weak normally, she held herself high every day, lifting her chin up and going through everything without complaint. Why was she being such a baby?

She blinked her tears away when she finally could see clearly again.

“Welcome back”, he smiled so gently that her heart melted under his soothing touch. She wouldn’t cry anymore, she wouldn’t cry anymore, she wouldn’t- “How are you feeling? Do you need something sweet like juice or something?” He mouthed quietly, hyper aware of her sensitive state. He tried to move slowly and talk with a low volume so that he wouldn’t trigger her again.

“T-That would be appreciated, yeah.” He grinned and shifted to get his bag. He pulled a soda out of it and handed it to her after opening it. He brushed her hair away from her face as she gulped slowly. Now able to take in her surroundings, she was starting to feel better. They surprisingly were alone in the room and it seemed like he was already suited up; he probably put his costume on before coming. She weirdly felt at ease under his warm eyes though the shame quickly crept up again. She tried to hide behind her hands but Jimin did not let her do so, catching her hands in his as he started rubbing his thumbs on her skin.

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s just me. You’re doing well, don't worry. I’m sorry I did not get here earlier, I should have thought of that. I shouldn’t have left you alone right before the show.” He hugged her close, trying to speak as slowly as he could without sounding weird. She seemed so dazed and out of it; he wasn’t 100% sure of what he was doing but he hoped that his presence was at least soothing.

“I’m sorry, I’m a mess, I don’t even know wh-”

“Don’t worry about it, yeah? I don’t think you’re a mess. You shouldn’t speak about yourself like that.” Was it wrong of her to wish for this moment to last forever? (Y/N) knew he’d soon let her go, but she selfishly wished for him to hold her longer. She felt warm and safe against him.

“You’re good?” She soundlessly nodded against his neck and he smiled lightly. “What happened to get you all worked up? Only stress?” He dared asking hoping that it would not offend her. But he did not feel her move; she stayed close to him. He mindlessly started rubbing her back as he felt her hands holding on his shirt a little bit harder as if he would disappear if she let him go.

“I don’t know, everything was suddenly too much and… I don’t know why but I feared that you wouldn’t come.” He sighed at her admission. He wanted to slap himself because he could have prevented that one at least.

“I’m sorry (Y/N). I wouldn’t have left you in the lurch, you know? We’re in this together and we’re going to win the competition together.”

“I’m not sure if I can do it Jimin.” Her breath left some shivers on his skin but he tried not to let it unsettle him.

“Well, I’m sure that you can. You have nothing to fear (Y/N). It’s the stage, you, and I. What can happen? The worst is: one of us slips. And then? Well we get up and take the choreography back where we left it. It will be fine. Do you trust me?” The question sounded stupid, of course she did. It wasn’t him that she didn’t trust.

“You know I do.”

“Then let’s go (Y/N). We’re going to nail that. And you know what’s the best?” She shook her head and he laughed a little “It’s that even if we don’t, well it’s okay! As long as you’re okay, I don’t mind not being first even if I think we’re way better than any of our competitors.” She playfully hit his arms, laughing quietly. He grinned as he heard her laugh.

“Okay?” He asked as he took her hand into his.

“Okay.”

♦ ♢ ♦

It was easier said than done though, because once her feet touched the stage, she felt herself freeze. Jimin’s lead kept her going but she felt her whole body stiffen and her voice was left stuck in her throat as she was ready to ask Jimin to turn back and leave the place as quickly as possible. He smiled brightly as they finally reached the middle of the stage and she wasn’t sure if he noticed her panic. However, he turned to her and his eyes gently met hers, silently cheering for her.

“Hey, we can do that. We worked a lot for it. You worked a lot for it. So trust me and follow my eyes. Think it’s only us in the practice room, okay? It’s only us. You and I plus the stage. It should be doable, yeah?” He smiled as brightly as he could, hoping that his confidence would give her some courage.

“Yeah… Yeah, alright, yeah. We can do it.” She whispered back and he grinned at her words. She was-obviously-still very nervous but he was sure that she would do it. There was no way she would not.

“That we can.” He finally left her to go to his spot, leaving her already on hers. Jimin had known the first moment on the stage would be the most important one for her. He needed to boost up her confidence a little and she’d be fine. She was a born dancer after all. Also, he wasn’t stupid. After realizing going on stage might be a challenge for her, he had decided that he would be the first one to dance and that she would follow closely, but only after he started. He had hoped that it would give her some additional strength to forget about everything else.

And it did.

When the music started, she jolted uneasily, feelings the stares of so many people in her. Yet, she remembered what Jimin said: her eyes did not leave his. And as he started moving gracefully in the middle of the stage, she blinked and tried to focus on him only.

She started moving too.

She forgot about everything. The stares, the people, the noises, the light that was slightly too hot, no. She forgot about it all. She just focussed on Jimin’s eyes and followed him as they had rehearsed together. It felt so easy to twirl with him, to feel her feets on the stage, to feel the air moving around her. Her heart was bursting in her chest and she only smiled at that. She saw him smile too, so everything was fine. She didn’t even know if she was following what they had prepared; she was moving mechanically, as if the choreography had been imprinted in her limbs, moving along to the music. It was a weird thought. She felt so empty but at the same time it felt so good. Her whole being was focussed on the music, and mostly on him. Him who fascinated her. He was so, oh so pretty when he danced. He looked surreal, flawlessly swaying. His hips were as graceful as the rest of his body, his pretty waist was accentuated by his costume and as she got closer to him, synchronizing herself with him, she felt his warmth. His eyes were so warm and so gentle, his smile was so carefree and happy; she wondered if he felt it too, the freedom of dancing. He had seemed so disappointed to hear that she wasn’t dancing anymore. Was it because he knew that feeling and wanted her to feel it again? His hand intertwined with her, linking their fingers together. It was so weird how a month ago she still thought of Jimin as her life enemy. She had banned dancing from her mind and here she was a month later, dancing with her so-called enemy. It felt ridiculous now that she was on stage again. It felt ridiculous that she had stopped dancing when she felt like that. It was indescriptible, there was no way to put words on that feeling. It felt like, maybe the purest form of freedom? No, even that wasn’t strong enough to explain. His arms wrapped themselves around her waist as he held her close. Everything slowed and it was only the two of them left on the stage. The lights didn’t feel quite as hot as he did. She was burning under his eyes and under his touch but she’d rather burn because of him than burn out because of her studies. She had missed that. The thrill of dancing, especially with someone. She had first liked dancing because her mom used to dance with her. Her mom had looked so happy when she was dancing with her. She used to tell her that she was pretty while she danced. Until (Y/N)’s dad had started drinking. (Y/N) had never known or realized if it was a big deal or not. Her father never shouted, never got angrier than he used to, but for some reasons, it had changed everything. Her mom had stopped playing with her as much as she used to, stopped dancing and one day told her that dancing was for the weaks. Dancing was a waste of time and shouldn’t play such a big part of her life. It was hitting her now. (Y/N) had almost forgotten why she felt so free while dancing: it used to remind her of the carefree smile of her mother. The smile that told her that everything was okay, that she loved her so much and she would always be there for her. She had tried her hardest to keep on dancing despite the harsh comments of her parents in hopes of seeing the smile of her mother again. None of them had ever shown up at one of her shows but hope had never left her. She had wanted to see-on the features of her mom-that pretty smile again; a smile that she now could see on Jimin’s face, harboring admiration and love.

He smiled despite seeing her tears because (Y/N) was smiling too. The end of their performance had not even hit both of them but she was smiling so brightly in his hands that he couldn’t help but giggle happily. He brushed away her tears, hoping that they were happy ones.

“It was worth it, wasn’t it?” She laughed a little at that.

"Definitely."

♦ ♢ ♦

“So what did they say?” Jimin had seen some of the judges come up to her. None had bothered going to him, fully knowing that he was an idol and would never accept any of their offers. However, he had seen three of them going straight for his girl and he couldn’t be more delighted.

His girl, huh?

Well, anyway. He was happy. She had seemed happy so he was good as long as she was happy. He had seen some of his fans as well who came with Army bombs, he didn’t really know what to say but he had been so happy to see that some had been able to come but that it also wasn’t a war outside. Everyone seemed to be chill about his presence and it made him relax further. So he had patiently waited for (Y/N) to return to him, waiting to know what it all was about even though he already had his own idea.

“They wanted to know if I had a school behind me or not and once I said no, they gave me their cards and told me to think thoughtfully about it. I’m already pretty sure of my decision though.” She grinned sheepishly and he looked as if he was about to burst because of the suspense she was adding.

“So… What are you going to say?” He tried not to sound impatient but he knew he probably still did.

“Probably no”, she smiled widely as she said it despite Jimin’s confusion “I don’t think this is a good idea for me. I don’t want to be in a school that will only stress me out and give a restrained structure for dancing. I don’t think a school is what I need now. I’ll think of taking some lessons again though. Maybe just not in a dancing school if you see what I mean.” And it made sense. (Y/N) had always looked for freedom while dancing. The competition with Jimin had been unhealthy on her side because she took it at heart. Her losing meant that her worth was decreasing. She would not be able to go through something like that, at least not now.

“I see. Well, as long as you’re happy, then so I am.” He took her hand in his, pulling her down to sit next to him.

“I think I realized why I started dancing while we were together on stage. And I was up there definitely for the wrong reasons. I want to start dancing for myself. Not for anyone else.” He frowned at that, not sure that he got what she meant but she seemed so happy that he did not want to press for answers. That could wait for another day.

“So, we celebrate our win?” She laughed as she heard him say that.

“The results won’t be out before tomorrow though.” She answered him grinning shyly.

“Yeah well, haven’t we already won?”

“You’re impossible”, he laughed as she playfully punched his arms, pushing him away from her. She started running away and he shouted at her to stop before she could hurt herself. Her laugh resonated in the empty streets and he started chasing her when he understood that she would not stop. He heard her yell when she looked back and saw him coming for her. He laughed as he noticed that she tried running faster. She looked cute when she was happy.

Happiness was a good look on her.

He caught her, wrapping his arms around her and lifted her from the ground to prevent her from running away again.

“Alright, you win! I’m sorry! I won’t run away again, please let me down!” She yelled in the middle, he burst into laughter as he heard her plea. He put her down, arms not leaving her though.

“Can you let me go?” She asked sweetly, still laughing a bit from their whole ridiculous game.

“Nope, you’re mine now.” He didn’t realize the weight of his words before they went past his lips and couldn’t do anything about it anymore if not blush a lot from his own bold statement.

“Oh I’m yours now?” She sounded playful and he actually wondered if she was serious or just joking. Should he make it look like it was a meaningless joke or-

Or what?

“I mean…” He tried not to sound too nervous but he probably failed miserably. It still had not hit him how much he liked her. He obviously knew that he wasn’t empty in the affections department but he still had not taken the time to stop for a moment and wonder what she meant to him. Though if he thought about it for a few seconds, he already knew the answer. He had just not wanted to put a word on it in case she might still hate him. Their friendship felt already quite unstable, he didn’t know if he could just be honest with her. He feared that he would overwhelm her.

“You what?” She nudged him and he felt almost offended that she wasn’t taking him seriously.

“I like you. I like you a lot (Y/N).”

She froze. Not expecting that answer at all. He laughed a bit at her reaction, now sure that she had been joking before. He couldn’t play the joke card anymore though, he would have to be honest with her. He didn’t know if it was a good thing or not but he would just silently pray that it was.

His eyes met hers when she turned around to face him.

“You like me?” She sounded incredulous and it made him frown.

“Why do you make it sound like that, is that a bad thing?”

“No! I mean, no wait I don’t mean no, I meant yes? No! Wait, I don’t mean yes either. I don’t know! I don’t mean it in a bad way either, I’m just… Surprised.” He laughed at her confusion, nervously babbling a barely coherent answer. Her voice got stuck in her throat when he brushed his nose with hers though.

“You have time to figure it out. I don’t mind waiting.” He smiled gently. Her eyes shined with the light of the moon and Jimin could almost see the stars inside of them. He was whipped wasn’t it?

“I- I’m not sure if I don’t already know the answer for that question too, though.” He nervously chuckled, unsure of what she meant by that.

“Yeah? You have time before rejecting me, you know?”

“Do you think that rejection might be what I have in mind when your lips look that enticing right now?” A small smile appeared on her features and he was the frozen one. He tried to shake his confusion away though because he might have the occasion of his life right there.

“Yeah? What can I do to satisfy the problem that my lips apparently created?” He got slightly closer, wrapping his arms tighter around her. He felt her warmth surrounding him and he actually had to stop himself from going further in case he wasn’t reading the right signs.

“Maybe kiss it better?” She sounded so innocent he even wondered if he heard what she said. She would be the death of him.

“You’re sure? Because this might be a very permanent choice and I might not be able to stop myself if you allow me.” His grin left his features, looking at her seriously while she smiled at him teasingly.

“What do you mean ‘stop yourself’, you wouldn’t try to strip me off my clothes in the middle of the street? Oh my god Jimin, I didn’t know you were into that kind of thing!” He got so red that she couldn’t help but laugh at his expense. Yet, he didn’t let her go and actually tried to focus again because this was important. He didn’t want to do something if he wasn’t sure that they were both consenting. But he felt embarrassed now.

“I’m serious, (Y/N).” He whined lowly.

“Oh I’m very serious too, Jimin.” She giggled happily as he pouted. “Okay, okay I’m sorry. I won’t make fun of you again.” She smiled kindly, brushing her hand against his red cheek. He closed his eyes for a second, enjoying the warmth of her fingers against his skin.

“So what are you waiting for exactly, do I have to kiss you? I’m not against it at all. I’m a very independent woman.” She laughed as he stuttered something inaudible. She was about to tease him again when he finally crashed his lips on hers. A whine escaped her and he felt very much content at the sound of it. It wasn’t much, it stayed very chaste, but when he detached himself from her, she was the blushing mess and he smiled brightly at her before kissing her again much to her delight. His heart was bursting in his chest, happiness barely held back. He couldn’t help but smile against her lips as he felt her arms wrapping around him as well, holding him closer to her-as if it was possible.

They later learnt that they did win the competition, but it honestly did not matter to Jimin anymore who woke up next to the woman he, years ago, used to bicker with and was now very much in love with. He might have to wait before dropping the L-word because he had been quite straight forward with his feelings and maybe already a little bit too much but he couldn’t see himself with anyone else. He did not care about the competition because the only win he cared about was the one of her heart.

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