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“Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say good night till it be morrow.”
Here come the art for the Phandom Big bang Fic “My heart’s on fire (how about yours?)”
author: @aestheticsmemes
artist: me <3
Beta: @strangely-skipper
These have been in the makings for so long!!!
Go read it and send the author lots of love!!!! Cause I sure love them :’) <3
Read it on AO3!
Deep way down in your heart You're burning, yearning for some-
Somebody to tell you That life ain't passing you by
- Kenny Loggins, Footloose
This is my piece for @carryonmywaywardlester ‘s fic “You’re Gonna Learn to Dance for PBB17! We’re excited to finally release this after so much collaboration over the past few months. Go read the fic, please! Thank you so much again to Claire for her brilliant ideas and support that inspired me to make my favorite fan art so far!
(P.S. Here’s the Footloose playlist I made specifically for this fic x )
Lost In Translation | Phandom Big Bang
Author: realityisnoplacetolive
Artist: @themessafterthemarty (the art is awesome omg)
Beta: @always-okay-katie (thank you so much for all your help!!)
Word count: 11k
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Summary: In a world in which everyone is born with their soulmate’s first words to them tattooed somewhere on their body, it would seem that loneliness is finally cured. But Phil Lester has a problem. His tattoo is in a language he can’t speak.
A/N: Additional thanks to @awesomesockes, for being Danish and therefore occasionally helpful in the endeavor :p And to Gina, for giving me really awesome advice about pacing, which i was too stubborn to actually implement, but I appreciated nonetheless <3 (you tried)
His situation wasn’t exactly common, but it wasn’t unheard of either. Phil’s mum often tried to assure him of this - he wasn’t the first person on Earth to have a language barrier between him and his soulmate. But that was easy for her to say, when she was born with the words ‘Have you got a partner for the assignment yet?’ tattooed in neat script across her collarbone. Phil’s father had asked her this question at the start of year five, and despite the response she’d given him of ‘Sorry, Charlie’s just asked me’, the two had been fast friends ever since. Those five words covered his dad’s left calf, and he often teased his wife about how her first words to him were rejection.
But Phil Lester would’ve given anything for something as simple and direct as that. The twenty-two year old sighed at the foreign phrase printed across his right forearm for what felt like the millionth time.
“Yeah, well, beats mine anyway,” his older brother had assured him. Phil had to giggle, remembering the ‘Would you like to order drinks?’ tattoo on Martyn’s bicep.
As teens, a group of his brothers’ friends had started a sort of competition for who could find their soulmate fastest. Of course, it didn’t really work that way. The first meeting was something predetermined before birth; trying to rush fate was pointless. And while they believed that on some level, impatient young people were notorious for trying to manipulate their situations to make it happen a bit sooner.
Martyn’s friend, Jack, for example, had been born with the tattoo ‘Try not to move - it might be broken’. He’d taken it as an open invitation to try all kinds of extreme sports, from BMX biking to water skiing. By the age of seventeen, Jack had already broken eleven bones with no luck on the soulmate front. In the end, he’d had to trip over a rolled up floor mat and sprain his knee while walking into Asda before finally meeting Emma.
Not one to be outdone, poor Martyn had taken nearly every penny he’d earned from his summer job at a bowling alley and spent it trying out various restaurants and sneaking into bars. He’d get his hopes up with each new server, only to have them dashed again every time the waitress remained unphased by his drink order. Eventually, he’d made peace with it. He’d meet her when he’d meet her, and that was that.
But with a line like ‘Er det dine briller?’ inked into his skin, it seemed foolish for Phil not to prepare a little.
The phrase was in Danish: are these your glasses? Translating it had been the easy part - his parents had done that for him with the help of a Danish-English dictionary they’d purchased about a week after he was born (after first spending a few afternoons in the library determining the tattoo wasn’t German or Dutch or Swedish). What to do with that information next, however, was a little less obvious.
When Phil was little, having such a mark was almost a relief. Much like a child taking their first steps or graduating school, meeting one’s soulmate for the first time was considered such an important milestone in someone’s life that it wasn’t uncommon for parents to hover over their children’s first interactions with strangers, hoping to hear those magic words. But with Phil’s odds of simply bumping into his soulmate on the playground at next to nil, much of the pressure involved in making new friends was off. In a way, it was nice.
For his thirteenth birthday, Phil’s parents had bought him a ‘Teach Yourself Danish’ book series, complete with audio tapes to practice with. But after a few weeks of struggling to wrap his mouth around the foreign words, Phil’s enthusiasm dwindled and the series took up residence in the corner of his book shelf where it collected dust for years to come.
xx
Phil was nineteen before things changed. He and one of his best friends, Amber, were spending the day at a funfair. She was eating candyfloss off a stick, while he was a very pale shade of green and trying his best to keep his lunch down after the Tilt-A-Whirl.
“Want a bite?” Amber said, offering the sugary pink substance to him. He grimaced and looked away. “Might help.”
“Doubt it.” He moved toward an empty bench a few feet away and sat down with a little groan, closing his eyes. Amber plopped down next to him, and they rested for a few minutes.
Phil had met Amber on the first day of sixth form. She was one of the very few girls Phil knew who didn’t place much stock in the soulmate system. Amber had a bit of a rebellious streak, and never shut up about how dumb she considered it that some unknown force in the universe was supposed to decide who she should spend her life with.
“When I do meet him, I bet I won’t even like him,” she often complained. “I feel sorry for the bloke, honestly.”
She’d gone out with several different guys throughout their school career, which had earned her a certain reputation with many of the other students in their year. She rarely ever did anything with these boys, she’d confided in Phil once, but she found everyone else’s assumptions about her fascinating. Plus, there was something so liberating about spending the evening sitting on the sofa, “wasting her time” - as her grandmother often chided - by getting to know someone who’d only leave her in the end.
“But that’s exactly the point,” Amber would argue back. “There’s no pressure this way - no promise of a future. Just right now.”
Honestly, Phil wished he could have such a flippant attitude about the whole matter. Amber was on a whole new level.
“You’re not gonna eat that?” a male voice interrupted Phil’s thoughts.
Phil’s eyes snapped open again, and he noticed a young man approaching them. Amber sat frozen with one arm reached out, just getting ready to drop the last bit of her candyfloss into the bin next to the bench. Phil’s heart leapt and he shot his friend a look of amazement.
“Why?” Amber replied to the stranger, a mixture of nervousness and excitement in her voice. “You starting a half-eaten candyfloss collection?”
“Holy fucking shit on a stick!” the stranger exclaimed, his eyes lighting up with the same excitement. “That’s my tattoo!”
Grinning, Amber lifted the leg of her jeans just enough to show the ‘You’re not gonna eat that?’ tattooed on her ankle. “And you?”
The stranger, with an even bigger smile, held out his forearm. “Half-eaten candyfloss collection! Who even says that?” He laughed. “I was worried I’d never find you! My name’s Matt by the way.”
As Phil walked along the rest of the day, listening to Amber and Matt chat excitedly several paces ahead, he began to understand the meaning of the term “third wheel”. He also resolved to sign up for Danish lessons as soon as he got home.
xx
It was another three years before Phil finally got his chance to visit Denmark. Amber and Matt - now recently engaged and sharing a flat - had booked him tickets to Copenhagen as a part belated birthday, part ‘sorry that we found true love and ran off together while you’re over there all alone’ present. But he wasn’t about to be one to turn down a free trip, even one born out of pity.
Phil greatly increased his language studies in preparation. He’d found an internet proxy that allowed him to stream the Danish national television channels, and was thoroughly enjoying Danish X Factor. It turned out horrible talent show auditions were universal.
“So are you like, fluent now?” Martyn asked him that evening when he came to visit, the night before Phil set off. He stood in the doorway to Phil’s room with his arms crossed, leaning against the frame, as he observed his younger brother. Phil was sprawled out in his bed with his laptop, watching Huset på Christianshavn - a sitcom from the late 70s featuring an odd bunch of Danes living in an apartment complex who did an appalling amount of drinking and not much else.
“Uh, no. Not quite there yet,” Phil answered without looking up. That was an understatement - his eyes were currently glued to the rapidly moving subtitles, which gave him his only hope of comprehension.
“Ah, well, I’m sure you’ll do fine,” his brother said. He moved from the doorway and sat down on Phil’s desk chair. “Cornelia says hi by the way - she wanted to come along and send you off properly, but she’s got some huge chemistry exam tomorrow morning. Says her professor is a nightmare.”
Even just mentioning Cornelia’s name, Martyn’s face seemed to light up. Phil had noticed this with most of his friends who’d found their soulmates and a familiar pang of bitterness hit him. He swallowed it down before he spoke.
“It’s alright,” Phil said dismissively. “It’s not like I’m gone a year. Just six days.”
“Who knows,” Martyn grinned, “you might just be so smitten after you meet them that you decide to stay.”
The words struck a nerve. “You know, I wish everyone would stop putting all this pressure on me,” Phil snapped. “There’s no guarantee that I’m meeting anyone on this trip - there never is.”
“Hey man, it was just a joke…” Martyn tried.
“No, it’s not! It’s the one person that the universe has decided is compatible with my soul and I have to fly to bloody Denmark to even have a shot at meeting them!”
“That’s not true, you-”
But Phil cut him off. “All my friends are getting engaged or moving in together or just out having their own adventures because at least they know they have an equal chance of meeting their soulmate wherever they might end up, but here I am, preparing myself for my one chance to meet someone I won’t even be able to communicate with!”
He paused for a breath. It was as if a dam had been opened - now that all his worries were flooding out, he felt powerless to stop them. He went on, “And if this fails, then what? Wait to save up enough and try again? Move there? What if I don’t even like this stupid country?”
“They all speak English there,” his brother reminded. “They learn it from like, year one. They’ll probably be better than you.”
“But will they think English?” Phil asked, something akin to desperation in his voice. “Will they feel English? When we lay in bed and tell each other our deepest secrets, will their words come out effortlessly in English, or will it constantly be work for them to translate their every thought to a language not their own because I’m a piece of shit who was literally born with an assignment printed on his arm but put off studying for twenty-two years?!”
Hot tears were sliding down Phil’s face now. He slammed the laptop closed and pushed it aside before sitting up on the bed and pulling his knees up to his chest.
Martyn rose from the desk and moved over to sit next to Phil on the edge of the bed. He offered his shoulder, and his brother, grateful for the comfort, lay his head against it. “You are way overthinking this, mate,” Martyn said softly.
“I know…” Phil breathed back. And deep down, he did know. “It’s just…” He cut himself off with a sigh.
“Just what?” his brother prompted.
“Just… what if it all goes horribly wrong? You know, like Great Uncle Ronnie….”
Martyn rolled his eyes and scoffed. “Phil, your soulmate speaks Danish and you don’t. That man was born with the tattoo ‘Time of death: 7:46’ on his chest. Your situation is not even close to that level of depressing.”
“But what about-” Phil began.
“Enough,” Martyn cut in. “You have six days of free travel in a beautiful foreign country. For once in your life, let’s just forget about this whole soulmate business and focus on that. Can you manage that?”
Slowly, Phil nodded his head.
“Good.” Martyn ruffled his brother’s hair with his hand before turning to the empty suitcase lying on the floor. “Now let’s get you packed. And bring an umbrella - I just checked the weather and it looks like six solid days of rain.”
Phil let out a sigh. “Fantastic.”
xx
Keeping his word to Martyn ended up not being nearly as difficult as Phil had imagined. There was plenty to do and see in Copenhagen besides soulmate searching. In four days’ time, Phil had already seen The Little Mermaid statue (which was significantly smaller than he’d imagined), visited two castles, explored Tivoli Gardens, gone for a canal tour, a bus tour, and a bike tour, and posed for his mandatory selfie in front of the capital guards.
But even with all the activities to occupy his time, he’d be lying if he said choosing to wear his glasses rather than contact lenses that week was just a coincidence, or that the few instances where he’d left those glasses sitting on restaurant tables or park benches had been complete accidents.
It turned out, most Danes kept to themselves. He was rarely spoken to by anyone, though one man did give a small cough and incline his head in the glasses’ direction. Phil had acknowledged him with a nod and gave a slight smile before retrieving them. Non-verbal interactions seemed to be Denmark’s speciality.
But finally, after several of these such attempts, a stranger fell for his bait. Phil had taken off his glasses and set them on the cafe table where he’d been sipping a latte. He’d walked halfway to the door, and was just about to complete his routine of acting as though he’d suddenly realized they were missing and backtracking to the table, when he heard a phrase that sent a chill down his spine.
“Excuse me, are those your glasses?”
Phil spun around excitedly at the words, but his eyes met those of a woman in her mid-fifties. She wasn’t exactly his type, but then again, platonic soulmates, though rare, were still a possibility…
“Mine b-briller?” he stuttered back, the words sounding all thick and wrong in his hopeless accent.
The woman looked puzzled. “Nå! Er du dansker?” she asked.
“…What?” Phil replied.
“I guess not.” The corners of her mouth turned up a bit into a smile. “I asked if you were Danish,” she explained, a slight accent to her voice. “I think you left your glasses on the table.”
“Oh, right, thanks,” he mumbled. Phil picked them up and stuffed them into his bag. He didn’t even need them at the moment - he was wearing his contacts anyway.
The woman was already moving to join the queue at the counter, and Phil considered just letting it go. But no, he’d come all this way; he had to be sure.
He hurried back over to her. “Sorry, excuse me?” he said quickly. She turned to look at him. “I’m sorry, I just have to ask something. When you asked me about the glasses the first time, were you speaking Danish or English?” He’d been so startled by her question before that he hadn’t even noticed.
She frowned. “English, wasn’t it? I saw the book you were holding, so I just assumed. Something wrong?”
Phil could’ve kicked himself. Of course. When carrying a book titled “Tourist in Copenhagen”, he wouldn’t look exceptionally Danish.
“No, nothing’s wrong. I guess I just got my hopes up for a second.” Feeling he owed her an explanation, Phil gave a small sigh and pushed his right jacket sleeve up to reveal his tattoo.
The woman squinted to make out the words, and then her expression instantly changed to one of understanding. “Nåh. I’m afraid I’m taken.” With a kind smile that crinkled up the corners of her eyes, she tugged down the top hem of her shirt just enough to expose the writing on her collarbone: Mine underbukser har fået hjemve. Then she held up her left hand and wiggled the fingers. The sunlight glinted off her wedding ring.
If she hadn’t been so sweet, Phil thought he might have died of embarrassment. “I’m so sorry, really. I’ll go now.” He spun around quickly toward the door.
“It’s alright!” she laughed after him. “And count your blessings - at least your tattoo doesn’t declare to all the world that your soulmate’s first words to you were that he had a wedgie.”
Even with his cheeks burning as they were, Phil had to giggle as he ducked out of the cafe and back to the walking street.
xx
Despite his horrible luck on the soulmate front, Phil had managed to enjoy his time in Denmark for the most part.
Martyn had been wrong about the weather after all. Or, mostly right - it had been storming all morning, but the clouds above had parted in the last twenty minutes and the sun was shining brightly enough now that Phil stopped walking to shrug off his jacket and locate his sunglasses.
He’d just managed to free them from his bag when he felt some kind of strap hit the back of his knees, tripping him up. Three large, eager dogs had suddenly appeared on his right, accompanied by a woman on his left who was simultaneously riding a bike and struggling with one arm to hold on to three leather leashes, which were wrapping around the back of Phil’s legs. Two of the dogs crossed in front of Phil, twisting the leashes even further around his ankles and pulling both himself and the cyclist off balance. The bike toppled over, while Phil fell backwards, smacking the back of his head on the landing. Suddenly all five of them were lying on the pavement in a pile of tangled limbs and barking animals.
“Undskyld! Undskyld!” the woman apologized profusely, then proceeded to babble on. Context, plus the limited Danish he could comprehend, told him she was explaining something about how her dogs had gotten away from her, how she was terribly sorry about that, and then asking whether or not he was alright. Not wanting to cause a fuss, Phil simply nodded as they disentangled.
A headache was already building from the jolt. He slowly made his way up to standing and started brushing off his pant legs, which now had damp spots on the back where they’d touched the ground. His possessions were scattered over the street, and the woman, still rambling on in Danish, was hurriedly trying to help him gather everything again.
“Er det dine briller?”
But it hadn’t been the woman asking the question. A new voice had joined the mix. The words startled Phil and his heart leapt in his chest. He spun around to see another guy, late teens or early twenties, stooping down and holding out Phil’s sunglasses.
Are these your glasses? The words seemed to be sung in angel chorus. This was his moment. Phil Lester had had twenty-two years to come up with an answer to that question. He’d rehearsed in front of the mirror, night after night, what fluent Danish response he might say back. He had taught himself affirmative replies, negative replies, replies that were somewhere in the middle - hell, he’d even learned a pick up line or two.
Yet despite all that, when presented with the question that had been inked into his skin since the day he was born, Phil became a blubbering mess. “Ja!” he pointed to the glasses excitedly and then to himself. “Du er min!”
The stranger raised one eyebrow and cocked his head to the side curiously. “Snakker du til brillerne? Eller til mig?”
“…What?” Phil questioned. The stranger deposited the glasses into Phil’s open hand, looking amused. “Jeg snakker kun lidt dansk,” Phil admitted, using one of the first phrases he’d ever learned of this language: I don’t speak much Danish.
“Clearly,” the man snorted under his breath.
“Oh! Engelsk?” Phil squeaked hopefully. “You speak English?”
The man was grinning now. “I should hope so,” he replied. “Twelve years in the English public school system should have taught me that much.”
Phil’s world was spinning now. He brought a hand up to his head, which was throbbing. “Wait, does that mean… you’re not Danish?”
“God no,” the man snorted out a laugh. “I’m from Wokingham.”
“But you spoke…?” Phil trailed off, looking confused.
The stranger nodded, having grasped Phil’s not quite finished question. “My dad lives here, so I’ve been picking up the language. Plus there’s some online Danish program I do when I can be arsed to remember it.”
“Oh, me too I guess…” Phil mumbled. “Er, not the dad part. Just I’ve been trying to learn, I mean.” The cyclist had managed to gather the dogs and bike together again and was starting to limp away. He’d offer to help her, if he wasn’t also slowly dying himself.
“Cool,” the stranger remarked. His look changed to one of concern, as Phil had gone quite pale. “Hey, you alright?”
“Yeah, just… my head…” Phil slurred, bringing his hand up to prod at the rapidly swelling lump. “I-I should sit down.” He glanced around desperately for a chair.
“Oh. Um…” After a second of hesitation, the man took Phil’s arm and guided him back into the cafe, and then into a booth. He disappeared and then reappeared a minute later with a bottle of water, which he offered awkwardly.
Phil gave him a small smile of gratitude and took the bottle before letting out a tiny groan. “This wasn’t how I planned this day to go.”
The man smiled kindly at him. “That’s life, isn’t it?” He extended his right hand. “I’m Dan, by the way. Dan Howell.”
“Phil,” Phil replied, shaking it. Clumsily, he reached into his pocket, mumbling, “I can pay you back for the water…”
“Oh, no.” Dan waved a hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not everyday something like… this happens.” The words seemed to trip him up at the end.
Phil changed the subject. “You said your dad lives in Denmark?”
“Yeah, he works for an international shipping company,” Dan explained, perking right up. “I live with my mum though, back in England. But I usually come visit a few weeks every summer and every other Christmas.”
“I see…” Phil nodded, then regretted that as the throbbing in his head increased. “But you’re fluent in Danish?”
“Oh no, not even close,” Dan snorted. “I don’t even think most Danes are fluent. Have you heard this language? You might as well just cram a large vegetable down your epiglottis - that seems to be what it would take to choke out half their vowel sounds.”
Phil was starting to feel a little foolish now. He brought the water to his lips, but pulled it away again before taking a sip. “I… I’m sorry. I’m just having a little trouble taking all of this in. I think I hit my head when I fell. But you’re saying you’re not Danish? Not at all? Not even like, half?”
“I mean, if you go back a few generations on my dad’s side, there was a bit of scandal that may or may not have involved the Crown Prince, but nothing was ever confirmed….”
Phil nodded, slower this time. Again, he tried to take a drink of water, but the questions were bursting inside of him to get out. He set the still full bottle back down on the table. “Right, sorry, still trying to get this straight. You’re telling me that the last twenty-two years of my life have been a lie? That all along you were just some English bloke I could have met at home?”
Dan seemed to take offense at this. “Hey, I’m not just some Engli-”
Phil cut him off. “I-I planned my life around this! I picked a course at uni that I could transfer internationally! I learned Denmark’s history! I studied this bloody language - do you know how hard is it to find Danish courses in England?!”
“Actually, I do,” Dan replied stiffly, “but what has any of that got to do with-”
But Phil pressed on. “All the nights I spent lying awake, worried I wouldn’t be able to communicate with my… my soulmate -” He spat out the last word in disgust, “And… And now…”
At the mention of that word, Dan’s gaze shifted away; suddenly he appeared very interested in the salt and pepper shakers.
Phil stopped abruptly, feeling ashamed. He could understand Dan’s response. Personally, Phil had known he was bisexual since he was fifteen, so the fact that the universe had paired him with another male didn’t come as a complete shock to him. But he had no way of knowing yet where Dan stood on the matter. Regardless, he definitely wasn’t making the best first impression.
“I’m sorry. I’m not normally like this.” Phil gestured an open hand vaguely around his head. “I - I hit my head,” he finished lamely.
“Yeah, you mentioned. Like three times now.” Most of the stiffness had gone from Dan’s tone. He watched as Phil rested his elbows on the table and brought his hands up to cover his face. This seemed to soften him even further. “Uh, how bad is it? Do you need to call someone?”
“No, no… It’s fine,” Phil muttered into his hands. “Just hurts.” He lowered his hands again and looked back up. “But… you did ask it, right? I mean…” For the second time that day, Phil held out his bare forearm to a stranger, revealing those four troublesome words: Er det dine briller. “These were your first words to me?”
Dan shifted in his seat. “Er… Well, yeah, but…”
Phil felt himself deflate at the response. “But you have a different tattoo,” he finished. Of course he did - how could Phil have been so stupid? “I’m so sorry, I should have known better. God, this day has been awful. I’m so sor-”
“Ja, du er min,” Dan whispered.
“Sorry?”
A little more confidently now, Dan spoke again, “Ja, du er min. That’s what you said back.”
“Wait.” Phil frowned, recalling the incident. “Didn’t I say det er min? As in, they - the sunglasses - are mine?”
“Nope.” Dan grinned and shook his head. “You definitely said du er min. As in, you are mine.”
“Aw damn it,” Phil muttered, “I’m always messing up the pronouns in this language.”
Dan snorted in amusement.
“Can… Can I see your tattoo then?” Phil asked tentatively.
Dan’s eyes darted down to his own lap. “Oh. Uh… Maybe another time.”
Phil looked hurt. “If this is because of what I said before, I really am sorry. I never should have implied you weren’t who I thought you’d be. I was just so shocked and-”
“No, it’s not that,” Dan said quickly. “I just… don’t really feel comfortable showing you right now.”
Phil drew in a long, deep breath before biting his lower lip. This didn’t make any sense - nothing about this meeting had gone even remotely like he had pictured. His throat was tightening and he had to blink a few times to keep his tears in check. Crying in front of the man would really put the icing on the cake, wouldn’t it?
“You… You don’t want to show me your mark?” Phil questioned. He was fighting to keep the pleading tone out of his voice, but it slipped through anyway.
“Er, not right now, no,” Dan confirmed. Though he looked apologetic.
“But you’re sure we’re soulmates?” Phil pressed on. “Like, sure sure?”
“Du er min,” Dan said with a nod.
“Then, I just don’t understand.” He was thoroughly exasperated now. “Why can’t I see it? I mean, it’s not that I don’t trust you, but we just met, so-”
“Exactly! We just met. Which is why I’m not particularly comfortable showing you such a private thing.”
“But then how will I-”
“It’s on my bum, alright?!” Dan exclaimed in frustration.
Phil blinked at him. “Sorry, what?”
“On my arse, in huge fucking block letters, I have a tattoo that says ‘Ja du er min’,” Dan clarified. “I can assure you, you are the first person to ever greet me with those exact words.”
At that point, Phil realized his mouth had been hanging open and quickly shut it. Virtually all soulmate tattoos were on perfectly innocuous parts of the body: arms, wrists, ankles, collarbones, feet. He’d heard once of a German teenager who’d come out claiming his mark was on his penis and that was why he’d been harassing half the girls at his school with dick pics. The story had been on the news and everything. But the mark had turned out to be fake - his real soulmate tattoo was at the base of his neck, covered by his long hair, and simply said ‘Nein’.
With wide eyes, Phil leaned in closer and whispered “…For real?”
His soulmate nodded miserably. He seemed thoroughly embarrassed.
“But… But that’s so cool!” Phil grinned.
Now it was Dan’s turn to blink back. “How is being tramp-stamped from birth in any way cool? Do you know what they call tattoos like that in Denmark?” he demanded.
Phil shook his head.
“Røvgevir. Ass antlers.”
But as Phil dissolved into giggles, Dan gave up trying to act annoyed. “Alright, it’s a little funny,” he admitted. “But realize that anytime I wanted to see my soulmate’s first words to me, I had to take down my pants and read them backwards in a mirror.”
“And it really says those exact words?” Phil giggled on.
“It really does. ‘Yes, you are mine’,” Dan recited back the translated version. He was snickering too now.
“God, you must have thought I’d be a serial killer!”
“Or perhaps a raging drunk,” Dan put in. “Speaking of…” His gaze traveled down to his backpack, then over to to the door. “Do you wanna get out of here?”
xx
After exiting the cafe, the two found a grocery store and stopped in to get some sandwiches and paper cups and plates to take with them. The rain had managed to stay away and, for the first day since Phil had arrived, the sun was actually shining. But even if they had walked directly into a hurricane, the day couldn’t have seemed anything but gorgeous to him.
Together, they crossed a few streets, and several minutes later arrived at the large square garden that surrounded Rosenborg Castle. Around them, there were people walking their dogs, riding bikes, or just relaxing in the rare bit of sunshine. Dan guided him over to a spot on the grass near a statue of Hans Christian Andersen and surprised Phil a bit by pulling a blanket from his backpack and spreading it out on the slightly damp grass.
But if the blanket had been unexpected, it only got stranger as Dan proceeded to pull an unopened bottle of champagne out of the bag. Phil looked at him curiously.
Dan shrugged at the reaction. “I always like to be prepared.” Noting Phil’s look of incredulousness, he laughed and explained, “Nah, I bought it when you went looking for the paper plates. It’s funny not getting asked for ID here - there’s no drinking age in Denmark, you know?”
Phil picked up the bottle and scanned the Danish label. “Looks fancy.”
“My dad told me this brand is the best.” Dan popped the cork off, seeming a little surprised as the fizz rushed out. Phil handed him two of the little paper cups and Dan poured them each one.
“Cheers,” Dan said. “Or I guess we should say skål.”
“Skål,” Phil repeated, tapping his paper cup to Dan’s. He took a sip of the liquid, but immediately had to fight to keep from scrunching up his face at the taste. Not wanting to offend his soulmate any more than he’d already done, he hummed, “Mmmm…”.
Dan, who had also sipped his, now frowned and peered into the cup. “Huh. Tastes like ass.”
“Yeah…” Phil agreed with a giggle. “I wasn’t gonna say anything, but…”
“Should’ve known Dad was taking the piss.” Dan scooted over to the edge of the blanket and poured his cupful out into the grass. “So much for that.”
“Still, it was a nice thought,” Phil said. “I should have thought to do something cool for you…”
Dan glanced down and his cheeks reddened again. “Oh no, it’s no big deal,” he mumbled quickly. He looked back up. “And you said you’d been learning Danish, didn’t you? That’s a huge something.”
Phil gave a humorless laugh. “Yeah, that was a great use of my time, wasn’t it?” With a sigh, he lay back on the blanket and brought his hands up over his face again. “This day has been so humiliating,” he moaned. “Why does this soulmate business have to be so complicated?”
Dan laughed and joined Phil in stretching out on the blanket. “Tell me about it.”
xx
Phil made it about thirty minutes into their picnic before an acute increase in pain and dizziness upon sitting up caused him to vomit his half-sandwich and ass-champagne over the side of the blanket. Mortified, he tried to stand up and move away, but his world was spinning so much that he would have toppled right over if not for Dan grabbing his arm to steady him.
“Whoa, hey, hold on,” Dan commanded as Phil tried to pull away from his grip. “You need to sit back down.”
“I-I need to g-go,” Phil slurred, not entirely sure where he was trying to get to. Besides away, that is. Preferably some place dark and quiet and far removed from other humans. His head was pounding.
“I know, we’re going, just hold on,” Dan assured, though he sounded nervous. Once he was convinced Phil could stand on his own, Dan ducked away to gather everything back into his bag. Phil let his eyes close as he swayed in place, just focusing on remaining upright.
Things were a blur from that point on, due mainly to the persistent ringing in Phil’s ears. Dan moved him to a park bench and then started asking him all kinds of questions. But Dan’s voice was hard to make out - almost like Phil was underwater - so Phil couldn’t give many answers. The questioning finally stopped when a concerned-looking Dan took out his phone and stepped a few paces away to make a call.
About ten minutes later, Dan was ushering Phil into a taxi. Phil had a vague sense that he really shouldn’t be getting into a cab with a man he’d just met an hour or two before, soulmate or not, but he was feeling too out of it to protest. Next thing Phil knew, he was being led into a reception area of a bright waiting room and nudged toward a chair.
“…This a hospital?” Phil mumbled as he sank into his seat. The change in location had made him feel a bit more coherent.
Dan scratched the top of his head, looking awkward. “Yeah… I think you need to get your head checked.”
“Rude.”
“What?” Dan frowned at first, but then his eyes widened in understanding. “Oh no, not like that! I just meant because of the…” He trailed off as he noticed Phil was smirking at him. “Oh. Got your sense of humor back, I see.”
Phil giggled a bit. Gingerly, he lifted his hand up to feel the lump on the back of his skull and winced. It had definitely gotten bigger.
“I should go sign you in,” Dan decided, glancing to the front desk. “Have you got an ID on you?”
Nodding slowly, Phil reached into his pocket and pulled a card from his wallet. “I hope they speak English here,” he mumbled, passing the card to Dan.
“I wouldn’t worry about it.” Dan dismissed him with a shrug. “Pretty much everyone here does.” Once again, Phil felt dumb for having spent so many years worrying about the potential language barrier.
Dan examined the card. “So it’s Lester, is it?” he mused. Phil gave a small grunt of confirmation. “Philip Michael Lester… I like it.” Nodding to himself, Dan turned and took the card up to the reception desk.
The waiting room was surprisingly quiet for a hospital, which Phil greatly appreciated. If only it wasn’t so damn bright. He let his eyes close to block the light out. He must have started drifting off because a few moments later he felt someone gently nudging him back awake. Phil opened his eyes to see Dan had returned and was poking his shoulder, holding a clipboard in the other hand.
“You really shouldn’t sleep with a head injury,” Dan said as he sat down in the chair beside Phil. “This happened to my cousin once and I remember my aunt had to keep waking her up.”
Phil gave a tired grunt in response, his gaze falling to the clipboard which Dan had balanced on his lap.
“Normally they’d just have you scan your ID and then all your info is in the system already, but it won’t work because you’re not from Denmark so we’ve got these forms instead,” Dan rambled in explanation. Phil really couldn’t have cared less how the Danish healthcare system worked at the moment, but he nodded anyway. Leaning forward in his seat, Phil rested his elbows on his knees, allowing him to support his forehead in his hands.
“Do you live with your parents?” Dan’s voice asked.
“Just right now,” Phil mumbled back into his hands. “I’m planning on moving out soon… just don’t have things quite…” he trailed off feeling slightly embarrassed.
Embarrassment was really the emotion of the day for Phil. In the past twelve hours, he had accused a random Danish lady of being his soulmate, then gotten knocked down by a pack of dogs and helped to his feet by a man who turned out to be his actual soulmate, spluttered at him in a foreign language only to discover he spoke English all along, offended the man, and finally made up with him only long enough to puke all over his picnic.
“It’s okay, I live with my family too, whenever I’m home from uni,” Dan said, cutting his thoughts off. “Do you know your mum’s phone number?”
“Er… seven, one…” He closed his eyes tighter and rubbed at them. “Or…Or maybe it ends in seven one?” Normally he knew the number, but his head felt fuzzy and he was tired - so tired.
“That’s alright. What’s her name?”
“Mum…” Phil answered sleepily. His eyes were closed, so he missed Dan’s eyeroll. The tiredness won out and Phil drifted back off again until Dan’s voice startled him back to reality. “Wha..?” Phil mumbled.
“I asked if you’re on any medications,” Dan repeated his question.
Phil frowned. Soulmates or not, surely that wasn’t appropriate to ask someone you’d just met. “No? Are you?”
“Huh?” Dan replied. “Why?”
“Well why did you ask me?” Phil tried to demand. But it came out more like a whine.
Dan giggled a little, tilting the clipboard Phil’s direction as he did so. “Because it’s line twelve on this form.”
“Oh.”
After having filled out as much as he could, Dan returned the forms to the desk and Phil’s name was soon called by a nurse. Dan helped him to his feet and followed him to the doorway, but the nurse stopped him there.
“Sorry, only family is allowed in the exam room,” she said gently.
“Oh okay, I’ll wait here,” Dan said, turning.
“No!” Phil protested, more forcefully than he’d intended. Both Dan and the nurse froze. “I just mean, can’t he stay?” Phil pleaded. “We’re… we’re soulmates.”
Dan looked uncomfortable. “It’s okay,” he assured, glancing down to his feet. “I can just wait.”
“Please?” Phil begged. He wasn’t scared of hospitals exactly, but they always made him nervous, especially now when he wasn’t thinking totally clearly. Plus, having finally met Dan, he had no desire to let the man out of his sight so soon.
The nurse cast him a sympathetic smile before giving a quick nod and leading both of them back to the room.
The exam was fairly straight forward. First Phil had recounted the story of how he’d injured himself after being tripped by a cycling dog-walker (which the doctor declared with a chuckle to be the most Danish accident he’d ever heard). Then he’d been given both a physical and neurological exam, the latter requiring Phil to repeat certain words and solve a few very simple puzzles. In the end, he was diagnosed with a mild to moderate concussion.
“For the next 24 to 48 hours, it’s important that someone monitors you,” the doctor went on to explain to his increasingly drowsy patient. “Since it doesn’t seem to be too serious, it’s not necessary that you stay here overnight, so long as you have a family member or friend who can check you regularly to ensure your condition doesn’t worsen.” He glanced over to Dan. “The two of you are traveling together?”
“Er, well, not exactly…” Dan began sheepishly. “We sorta met today.”
“…But we’re soulmates,” Phil added groggily. Dan’s cheeks reddened.
The doctor raised his eyebrows. “Congratulations are in order then. This is a big day for the two of you - a shame it had to end in meeting me,” he chuckled. Turning back to Phil, he asked, “Do you have someone who can stay with you to monitor your condition? Otherwise I’ll have to admit you.”
“Uhh…” Though Phil’s head was feeling better than it had two hours ago, he still felt like he was in a fog. He recognized all the words being spoken to him but it was as if they were devoid of any meaning. “I… what?” he asked. He glanced over to Dan and gave him a confused look.
“He’s asking if you have friends in Copenhagen that you’re staying with,” Dan clarified. “Or if you need to sleep here.”
Phil latched onto the second part of that question and frowned. “No, I don’t wanna sleep here.”
“I understand,” the doctor said kindly, “but someone needs to look after you for the next day or two.”
Whether it was from the concussion affecting his emotions or the realization that he might have to spend the night alone in a foreign hospital, Phil suddenly felt like crying. He bit his lower lip to keep it from quivering.
“I can stay with him,” Dan piped up, then turned to address Phil. “I mean, if you’re okay with that of course.”
Quickly brushing the tear that was threatening to roll down his cheek away with his hand, Phil cast him a grateful smile.
Satisfied that his patient would be monitored, the doctor went on to explain to Dan exactly how to do the neurological checks and what to do if Phil’s condition changed. Phil used this opportunity to let his heavy eyelids drop, not exactly sleeping but not really listening either.
After a few more minutes, he heard the door click shut as the doctor left and was nudged back to alertness.
“Alright, time to go,” Dan said gently. He helped Phil to his feet and guided him through the door. “I’ll need to call my dad when we get outside to let him know I’ll be staying with a friend tonight.”
Phil looked confused as they entered the hallway. “I thought… I thought you were staying with me?”
Dan rolled his eyes and gave a half-laugh. “It’s you, Phil. You’re the friend.”
“Oh. That’s good.” Phil smiled sleepily. Dan was good company, he decided.
xx
“Phil? Phil, time to wake up.” Someone was gently shaking Phil’s shoulder.
“No…” Phil groaned back without opening his eyes. He tried to tug the duvet up higher around his neck, but the someone was sitting on it. “Tired.”
“This will only take a few minutes,” the voice continued on. Under his breath, he added, “Just like the last five times…”
Eventually, Phil managed to pry his eyes open. He was in a small room lying on a double bed, engulfed in a very white duvet. Next to him sat a man who looked exceedingly familiar, but whom Phil couldn’t quite place. His confusion turned to panic and he sat up quickly. At the sudden movement, his head rushed and then started pounding.
“Whoa careful there…” the man warned. He reached out a hand toward Phil’s shoulder, but Phil scooted himself back against the headboard.
“Who are you?” Phil demanded.
“That was actually my first question for you,” replied the other with a smirk. He held up a small notepad and waved it in Phil’s direction. That also was definitely familiar. “Go on then, who am I? You know this one - at least you did an hour ago.”
Phil’s face screwed up in concentration. It was on the tip of his tongue. “Er….”
“I’ll give you a hint. Starts with D.”
“D?” Phil’s face screwed up in thought. “D… Don? Dave? Dan!” It was all flooding back now. “You’re Dan. I met you today. We had a picnic and you made me drink champagne that tasted like ass.”
“Ooh you’re getting better at this,” Dan remarked. He jotted something down on the notepad. “Took you three more hints last time. And you are?”
“I’m Phil.”
“Good.” Dan made another note. “Know where we are?”
Phil looked around. There was a desk in the corner of the room containing a phone, a mini electric kettle, tiny coffee cups barely large enough to hold two gulps of liquid each, and a stack of what looked to be tourist information brochures in mainly red and white colors. “A hotel,” he deduced. “In Copenhagen. Because I’m on holiday.”
“Excellent,” Dan confirmed. “And that goose egg you’re currently sporting on your skull which necessitates this hourly game of twenty questions is because…?”
Phil screwed up his face in thought. “I think… I fell?”
Dan snorted. “Technically, yes, you fell. Multiple choice bonus question: a group of what species animal tripped you? A, pigeons, B, dogs, or C, squirrels?”
Phil grinned. “Did you know that a group of squirrels is called a scurry?”
“You’ve mentioned that a few times now.” Dan smiled and shook his head slowly as he made another note on the pad. “Funny how that detail sticks when I can’t for the life of me get you to remember the current prime minister…”
“…And a group of ferrets is called a business,” Phil added helpfully.
“Yes, yes, moving on…” Dan answered without looking up from his paper. “What’s the square root of sixteen?”
“Uh… eight?”
“Amazing,” Dan remarked, making a note on the sheet. “No matter what your level of coherency is, you consistently believe that to be eight.”
Phil frowned. “It’s not?”
Dan gave an exasperated sigh, indicating they’d gone over this a few times already. “It’s four, Phil. Four squared is sixteen. Ergo, the square root of sixteen is four.”
Phil gave a sheepish smile. “Yeah… I haven’t had maths for a few years…”
“I’m starting to gather that much,” Dan muttered. He ran his pen down the list one last time. “Alright, you passed. You’re cleared to sleep.”
Phil’s smile faded. “Oh.” He was feeling a lot more alert than he had in awhile and wasn’t quite ready to return to unconsciousness. He glanced around for a clock. “What time is it?”
“Around midnight,” Dan answered. He stood from the bed and transferred over to the desk chair, settling right down into it. “We got back to the hotel at half six and you’ve been out since then. Except for our little interrogations every hour.”
“What have you been doing in between?”
Dan gestured to the small TV on the wall. The sound was muted, so Phil hadn’t even noticed it was on until now. The camera was panning out to show a group of islanders participating in some kind of physical challenge involving paddling a raft full of coconuts.
“What show is that?” Phil asked.
“The Danish version of Survivor, I think. That or it’s a really weird porno - with this country you can never quite tell. I’ve seen four dicks so far. They don’t even blur them out.”
Phil giggled at this. “I saw a bunch of Danish films to help me practice before I came here. I understand.”
Dan raised his eyebrows. “You really went all in, didn’t you?”
“I guess I was just nervous,” Phil said with a shrug. “I wanted to be sure I could relate to you, you know?”
“But isn’t the whole point of a soulmate that you don’t have to worry about that? That you have a promise from the day you’re born that someone out there is going to be perfect for you?” There was something odd about the way Dan said it - an almost bitter undertone.
“Well, yeah, in theory,” Phil defended. “But can you honestly say you never worried about getting along with your soulmate?”
“Didn’t really have to,” Dan mumbled under his breath.
Phil was about to ask what he meant by that when his soulmate brought his hand up to his mouth to cover a massive yawn. “Haven’t you slept at all?” Phil asked.
Dan shook his head. “Not yet. I was going to see if maybe they have a rollaway mattress I can borrow.”
“Oh.” Phil felt a little twinge of guilt. He glanced to his side. “You can take the bed if you want. I’ve slept a lot already…” But even as he suggested this, he felt his own eyelids drooping. Stupid head injuries.
Dan gave a half-laugh and waved Phil off with his hand. “There is no way I’m kicking the guy who’s so concussed that he was unsure of his own name a few hours ago out of the only bed in the room. I’m fine here.”
“Or…” Phil glanced over to the space next to him. “We could just share?”
Dan looked skeptical. “Oh. I don’t know…”
“I mean, unless that’s weird for you,” Phil backpedaled. “I just thought, you know…”
“No, it’s not that,” Dan said quickly. “Just, I don’t want it to seem like, I don’t know, like… I’m taking advantage?” His intonation went up at the end of his sentence, making the words sound more like a question than a statement. “You know, moving too fast?”
Phil thought this was a bit of an odd thing to worry about, given that the universe had already quite literally granted them its stamp of approval. In fact, it wasn’t uncommon for newly discovered soulmates to actually sleep together on the eve of their first meeting (though each generation denied to their parents that this was the case). But he just shrugged. “You’ve already seen me fall on my head, throw up my lunch, and forget my own name. I don’t know how much more intimate we can get.”
“You’ve got a point there,” Dan admitted. He flicked off the TV and stood to his feet. “Alright, budge up.”
xx
Dan and Phil got up late the next morning, exhausted from the hourly coherency checks. Or, at least they started out hourly. By three am, Phil had declared himself (in a rather whiny voice) to be “completely healed” and Dan hadn’t been awake enough to argue, so they’d finally silenced the alarms for good and eventually woken to sunlight streaming in through the curtained window. Thankfully, the extra rest seemed to have done Phil a lot of good - his head felt much clearer.
“What exactly is this?” Phil questioned, indicating the very dark, dense bread his soulmate was currently spreading - no, spackling - with butter. The two were seated in the small dining area of the hotel, eating their complimentary breakfast.
“It’s called rugbrød,” Dan explained. He added a piece of cheese on top before passing it over to Phil. “It’s like pumpernickel on steroids.”
Phil took a small bite and chewed it slowly. He’d never been much of a fan of cheese, and this grainy brick-like bread wasn’t helping.
Dan smirked at him, before taking a bite out of his own piece. “Kinda gotta get used to the texture,” he explained with his mouth full, “but between this stuff and potatoes, that’s like 90% of the Danish diet right there.”
“I’m starting to think I might not be cut out for the Danish lifestyle,” Phil said. He wrinkled his nose up and carefully set the bread back on his plate. “First the bicycling dog walkers… now this.”
“Nah, don’t worry about it,” Dan reassured. “Even my dad can’t stand rugbrød and he’s lived here seven years.” He passed Phil one of the plain white bread rolls they’d grabbed as back up.
Phil took the roll gratefully. “It’s funny, really.” He started spreading it with butter. “All my life, I just assumed that I’d end up living in Denmark. It’s weird suddenly feeling like… I dunno, like, I have a choice, I guess.”
Dan nodded thoughtfully. “Like you’re in control for once.”
“Exactly.” He added a piece of ham to his roll and took a bite. “It’s a weird feeling.” Privately, Phil wasn’t sure whether or not he liked this feeling. There was something comforting in the idea that the universe - God or whatever was up there - was looking out for him. That he was part of some greater plan.
They ate in silence for a few moments before Dan said quietly, “You know… sometimes I wonder if this whole soulmate mark business isn’t more trouble than it’s worth.”
“What do you mean?” Phil asked, looking puzzled. “If we didn’t have our marks, how could we ever be sure we’re with the right person?”
“But even with them we can’t be sure sometimes,” Dan countered. “Like my parents for instance. Both of them have ‘Hello’.”
Phil winced in sympathy. Greeting word marks were among the most common soulmate tattoos for sure - he’d had three classmates with ‘Hi’ in primary school alone.
“Nearly everyone they met was a potential candidate,” Dan went on. “They’d known each other four years before they finally decided they might be soulmates and went ahead and got married. Never really could be completely sure.” He paused and then added in a subdued tone, “I kind of think it was the uncertainty that made them split up in the end.”
Phil didn’t really know what to say to that, so he settled for making a small humming noise in his throat. Dan was looking as though he regretted adding that last part. It was understandable; due to most folk’s fervent belief in destiny, divorce was rare. The soulmate bond was something that was meant to be unbreakable.
Quietly, Dan began gathering their used plates and cups together. “It goes the other way too,” he went on after a moment. “One of my uncles… well, he and his wife were definitely soulmates. I can’t remember quite what their tattoos were but it was something completely random, to the point where there was no question they were meant to be. But after a few months, she started being really awful to him - verbally, mostly, but then sometimes she’d hit him too. And my uncle wouldn’t leave her. He said they were meant to be together and nothing should ever separate what fate had joined.” Dan paused and shook his head slowly.
Phil was floored. “But how could that happen? If they were really supposed to be soulmates, how could she treat him that way?”
There was distinct bitterness in Dan’s reply. “Yeah, well the Howell family has never had much luck with the soulmate business.”
Together, they rose from the table and started walking their dishes over to the cart in the corner. “I’m sorry,” Phil said softly. “About your family.”
“It’s not your fault,” Dan said with a shrug. “It’s not really anyone’s fault.” He inhaled deeply before adding on the exhale, so low that Phil just barely made it out, “And that’s the worst part.”
xx
Phil’s flight back to England would be at seven that evening, so after their meal, the two made their way back to the hotel room to prepare to check out. Though they’d been chatting easily earlier in the day, Dan had stayed fairly quiet since their conversation at breakfast. He sat on the floor next to Phil, seemingly lost in thought as the other stuffed his final dirty socks into his mess of a suitcase.
“What are you thinking about?” Phil asked finally, in what he hoped was a casual voice.
“Nothing really,” Dan replied, without looking up. “Just… well it’s weird, isn’t it? To think we just met yesterday and now you’ll be leaving again.”
“Yeah, but we’ll see each other again,” Phil promised. “Once you’re back home, it’s only about a four hour train ride from my house in England to yours. And there’s always Skype.”
“I guess.” Dan sighed lightly. He noticed the corner of a t-shirt sticking out from under the bed, pulled it out, and tossed the shirt over to Phil.
Phil caught it with a grin. “Thanks.”
Dan hummed in acknowledgement, then let his gaze move back straight ahead of him. Phil started zipping the now overstuffed suitcase closed.
“I swear this all fit when I left home,” Phil grunted as he struggled.
“That’s how it always is, isn’t it?” Dan mused. He seemed to be mustering up the courage to say something. “Er… Phil?”
“Yeah?”
“Uh…” Dan began again. “Before you leave…”
Phil paused and looked over. Dan was tugging at his shirt sleeves absently now. “I meant to say it before,” Dan went on. “But I just didn’t know the right time and then you were hurt and all wonky so I didn’t want to do it then…”
“What is it?” Phil asked. His heart was beating faster now.
“I just…” He took a deep breath, which seemed to strengthen his resolve. “It’s about my tattoo,” he blurted. “It’s…” Another breath. “It’s not like it’s…” He started again, then paused. Two breaths this time. “I didn’t exactly… “ He trailed off.
But he couldn’t seem to get the words out.
Finally, Phil spoke instead, his voice low. “It’s alright. I know.”
Dan looked surprised. “What?”
“I know, Dan,” Phil repeated softly. Abandoning the suitcase and crawling across the floor to Dan’s side, he let out a half-laugh of irony. “God knows I’ve been trying to convince myself otherwise, but I’ve known.” Now it was his turn for a breath. “We’re not really soulmates.”
In a flat voice Dan asked, “When’d you figure it out?”
“I’ve had doubts the whole time,” Phil said. “You won’t show me the mark, you look uncomfortable every time I say the word…” He smiled sadly. “I just couldn’t figure out why you’d lie about something like this.”
“But I didn’t lie…” Dan started.
Phil rolled his eyes. “Dan, c’mon. In that cafe, I flat out asked you if we were soulmates.”
“No,” Dan said quickly, “You asked I had a different tattoo. Which I don’t.”
“Same thing.”
“No, it’s not. Look, I’m sorry - I wasn’t honest. I don’t have your mark.” At Phil’s frown, Dan’s words started tumbling out even faster, as though he was scared if he didn’t let them all out at once, Phil would cut in. “But I didn’t lie - not exactly! I was watching you, because… well, because I thought you were cute and I knew I could never have anyone like you for real, and I know that makes me sound like a stalker but I swear I’m not!”
He paused for a breath before diving right in again. “Then you tripped. So I came over because I just wanted to see if you were alright, and your sunglasses were just laying there so I picked them up, but your sleeve was rolled up and your tattoo was right there. And I read it and it just fit so perfectly - like it was meant for that exact moment! And so I asked it - er det dine briller? And your eyes just lit up, and for once in my life I felt like destiny was on my side.”
“But you don’t have my mark,” Phil countered. “We don’t match. You’re meant for someone else.”
“I’m not! I’ll prove it!” Before Phil had time to register what was happening, Dan had stood up and whipped off his own t-shirt. Next came the socks. But as Dan started unbuckling his belt, Phil regained his wits.
“Whoa! What are you doing?” Phil exclaimed, throwing Dan’s shirt back at him. “Put your clothes back on!”
Dan made no attempt to catch the shirt and it fell to the floor next to him. “But don’t you see?” he asked desperately, fingers still fumbling with the buckle. “I’m nobody’s! I have no mark! Nothing! No one!”
Tears were starting to run from Dan’s red eyes down his cheeks now. His words came out thick with emotion. “The universe - God, or whoever is up there - looked at me and decided there was no one compatible with my soul. My parents thought I’d die young - maybe that would have been better than growing up knowing from the start that no one would ever love me like that!”
Phil sat frozen in shock. When a baby was born unmarked, it was always a sobering occurrence. Usually, it meant that the child would die before ever speaking their first words. One of his cousins had been unmarked and died a mere six hours after birth. But to live to be Dan’s age without a tattoo at all was unheard of.
Phil’s attention was drawn to a long, jagged scar on Dan’s otherwise unmarked torso. It started just below his ribs and stretched several inches to the top of his belly button. Dan seemed to sense Phil’s gaze. “A doctor told my parents once he had a theory it might be on the inside,” Dan said in a whisper, running his fingers over the scar. “I was seven years old when I decided I had to find it.”
Phil felt faint. “You… You did that to yourself?”
Dan nodded. “Used the pocket knife Dad got me for my birthday that year. Mum had a fit when she walked into the bathroom and found me in the middle of my little surgery.” In a lower voice, he added, “It was one of the last fights they had before they split.”
“I… I don’t know what to say,” Phil stammered.
Dan laughed humorlessly. “No one ever does.” His tears had stopped just as abruptly as they’d started and he wiped them away roughly with the back of his hand.
It was a long moment before Phil spoke again, and the words came out cold. “You still lied to me.”
“And I’m not trying to get your sympathy - I swear,” Dan assured. “Just… trying to give you a reason.”
Phil let out a long exhale. Finally, he stood and moved back to the suitcase to finish zipping it. “I think I’m going to go now. I’ll get a cab to the airport. It was nice meeting you, Dan. I just… I need to think.”
“I know,” Dan whispered. “I’m really sorry.”
“Me too.”
With that, Phil turned and starting walking to the door, wheeling his luggage behind him. But upon reaching the doorway, he stopped and spun around again.
“One question,” Phil demanded. “Your mark - why’d you say it was on your bum?”
Dan looked sheepish. “I panicked,” he answered simply.
Phil waited a second for an explanation, but none came.
“Alright then,” Phil said finally, the faintest hint of a smirk visible on his features. “I’ll see you around, Dan.”
And then, Phil really did leave.
xx
It was a chilly morning in November. Dan paced the platform of the train station anxiously. The butterflies in his stomach had given up fluttering the moment the train had arrived and taken to dive-bombing his insides instead. His eyes scanned the crowd, taking in each arriving passenger as they stepped off.
It had taken Phil five days after he’d flown back to England before he’d even replied to a message, and another three after that before he’d agreed to a phone call. He’d said he needed time to think over everything, and Dan had thought that more than fair.
Now, four months and countless Skype calls later, the two were finally meeting up again. Dan spotted his friend in the crowd.
“Phil!” he cried. Dan waved an arm in the other man’s direction. Phil turned his head at the sound and broke into a grin. He pulled his backpack on and rushed over before throwing his arms around Dan and pulling him in tightly for a hug.
“Whoa,” Dan giggled, caught off guard. “What happened to ‘We’ll take it slow this time’?”
Phil shrugged. “Slow is a relative term. We’ve already slept together.”
“Platonically!” Dan argued, releasing himself. “And that was when you were convinced that fate had already given us its stamp of approval.”
“I mean, didn’t it though?” Phil asked seriously. “I’ve been thinking about this a lot the last four months. Your first words to me are tattooed on my skin. Isn’t that how this whole game works?”
“Yes but I cheated,” Dan pointed out. “I read your arm.”
Phil shrugged. “Who’s to say you weren’t destined to cheat?”
At this, Dan rolled his eyes. “Sure Phil, that’s totally how this works.”
Epilogue:
*Seven years later*
“Dan? You almost done in there? I need to shower!” Phil’s voice called from outside the bathroom door.
“I’ll be out in a minute!” Dan called back to his boyfriend. Reluctantly, he began pulling up his trousers, covering the still healing script of the freshly aquired tattoo that he’d been admiring in the full length mirror. He giggled at the recollection of himself and Phil, stumbling drunk into the parlor last week, declaring they’d had the most brilliant idea ever.
His ass now agreed. “Ja, Phil,” he giggled, “du er min.”
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Ghostly
Summary: Dan Howell has been able to see ghosts his whole life. Things have gone from bad to worse now that his mother remarried and he finds himself sharing his new room with Phil, avery good looking guy. A guy, who happens to be dead.
Words: 22.7k
Rating: Mature
Read it on AO3
A/N: I’m not even sure what I’m going to say. I wrote the first few paragraphs of this story back in December 2016. I was going to post it for one of the days of the 25 days of christmas but I started getting so many ideas that I knew it would be too long for that. It took me months to get it completely done. I stressed, I panicked and I cried because I wasn’t sure I was going to finish it in time. Somehow, I did it. This story is like my little baby and I’m so, so proud of it. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
(Btw, don’t let the title get to you. I promise the story is much better than the title I came up with in five minutes)
Big thank you goes to @findmeinthekingdm. She was the best beta I could have asked for. From rewording sentences that made no sense to pitching me new ideas, she was essential for this story to be posted today. Thank you for dealing with my procrastination.
Thank you also to @gay-lizard-dads for the amazing art. You’ll get to see it soon, I promise.
Warnings: Mentions of death. There is a short mention of homophobia in the beginning of the story. It’s nothing too bad but you should be aware it’s there.
Dan was ruined. His mother obviously hated him, his father wanted absolutely nothing to do with him, and his friends had lost interest in him the second he said he was moving to a different school. It’s not as if it was something he chose himself. He couldn’t be blamed for his mother choosing to remarry someone who lived two hours away from his school.
If you asked him, the obvious choice would have been to drop this guy and find someone more accessible who wouldn’t ask for them to pack up their whole lives and move two hours away from their home. His mum clearly disagreed, judging by the dark stare she gave him when he dared to share his opinion.
Confronting his mum had resulted in an hour long rant from his mother about the beauty of falling in love, which only made Dan roll his eyes. “Falling in love is a beautiful experience that makes you do the craziest thing, the most thrilling things, no matter how stupid it may seem,” she said.
“Even if it means packing up everything and going to a place you’ve never been to?” Dan replied in the most monotonous way he could manage. Dan bit his tongue in order for him not to blurt out a sassier reply. All that coming from a woman who divorced twice, with one marriage that didn’t last a year. Hilarious.
“It’s well and good for you, mum, but I’m not the one who fell in love, so why the hell am I the one who’s stuck packing my whole life away?” He muttered angrily under his breath just as he taped up the last box with his belongings. He couldn’t get over how stupid the idea of them moving. Not only was he going to have to change schools in order to go to one closer to his mum’s future husband, but he was also expected to move into his house with them.
At first, Dan didn’t think it sounded too bad. Apparently Clive owned a larger than average house which would be an improvement over their minuscule apartment. He should have known that Clive owned a big house for a reason.
Imagine Dan’s shock when he found out that Clive had three sons. Three sons. He was going to have to share a bathroom with three tiny devils running around his feet and expected to take it with a smile. Not to mention that he couldn’t risk uttering a single complaint lest causing the end of his mother’s third marriage before it even happened.
Dan protested, of course he did. Not once, not twice, but countless of times. His mother found a way to shut him up, threatening him to leave him with his father if he didn’t stop complaining. And Dan did shut up. As much as he wasn’t happy about having to move away from where he had lived all his life, he would gladly take that option over having to live with his homophobic father who had quite a few choice words to share with him when Dan finally had the guts to come out to him. Needless to say, it didn’t go so well and they barely ever spoke anymore. Dan imagined that living with him would be like hell on earth.
His mum seemed to think that changing school meant Dan would no longer surround himself with criminals. If only she knew that Dan chose to have friends like that because it meant he didn’t have to let anyone get too close to him. Having people close to him meant forming relationships and feelings, both things Dan couldn’t allow himself to have.
It’s a never-ending cycle, and Dan seemed to be the only one who constantly has to face this. Dan had “friends” telling him they’d be there for him through thick and thin, but the second he does something that seems weird to society, they drop him like a hot potato and pretend they never even knew him. Dan learned it the hard way. How could eight-year-old Dan possibly have known that it wasn’t normal for kids to suddenly start seeing dead people and attempting to talk to them?
The first person he told was his mum who freaked out and started looking for psychiatrists she could send him to because, in her words, ‘he clearly was taking her divorce from his father really hard and that made him see things that weren't really there’. Her words, not his.
All the visits to specialists and psychiatrists did absolutely nothing. He kept seeing dead people and they still kept trying to communicate with him. No matter how many times he said that he didn’t have any idea who they were, they kept asking him for help in getting them out of the limbo they found themselves in.
It took him a while, but he finally figured out that the trick in getting his mother to stop sending him to specialists was to lie his way out of it. It hurt having to tell his mum that he was fine now, that he wasn’t seeing dead people anymore, but he kept seeing more and more of these people.
When lying to his mum, Dan lied to himself too. Every moment convincing his mum that it probably was a figment of a child's imagination that got a little carried away, he told himself the same exact thing. It's just my imagination. There's a little voice at the back of his mind chanting "You didn’t see anything. Your mind is just playing tricks on you,” but all he could see was a dead lady standing by his door frame. He felt her stare on him, and he felt violated, but he didn't dare to look or to speak up. The fear of seeing her sent shivers down his spine. She didn't look particularly ghostly, but there's just something about knowing she doesn't belong in his room.
He just ignored it. Ignorance really is bliss sometimes.
Dan should have known. After his mother’s reaction, his ‘gift’ was a secret he needed to keep to himself. It clearly wasn’t something normal and everyone would treat him differently like he was a freak. Dan’s not a freak, and he hated every moment spent having to see ghosts, and at the same time, living, breathing humans treating him as if he belonged in a mental institution if he hinted at the fact that he could see dead people.
Dan persevered. They don’t see it but he does. He decided to act as if everything about him was as normal as his peers but, as his mother said, love makes you do the craziest of things.
When Dan was thirteen, he was absolutely sure he was head over heels in love with his best friend. Thinking back on it now, it makes Dan cringe. His so-called feelings of love were enough for Dan to come clean to his best friend.
Dan had told his friend that he could see dead people. He helped them fix or get over the bad things they had done in life so they could leave the limbo they found themselves in and move on to the afterlife. Add that to the fact that he was gay, and Dan should not have been so surprised over the reaction he got.
Ollie had looked absolutely disgusted and called him names that was hard for Dan to forget to this day. He should have known that Ollie wouldn’t keep his mouth shut and Dan quickly became the school’s laughing stock; the faggot who can see dead people and talk to them.
He’ll never forget the months of bullying he endured just because he trusted someone with his deepest secret. That’s when he learned that people can’t be trusted, and someone like him couldn’t have any kind of relationship with anyone. He wasn’t ‘normal’ -- whatever normal meant -- and it was about time he accepted it.
Luckily enough, his mother remarried for the second time a few months after the incident and he changed schools. He attended a school where no one knew who he was or what he could do. He would never be normal as long as he kept seeing dead people, but as long as they don’t know about his condition, they wouldn’t consider him a freak. Dan got the fresh start he wanted.
That didn’t mean he wanted to be alone. He quickly learned how to fit in with the outcasts of his new school. He tried to ignore their bad habits and sometimes straight out offensive behaviour so he could have people to hang around with at school. No harm done. His mother clearly disagreed, though. She thought his “friends” were the reason why he never brought anyone home for her to meet and why he was so against the idea of moving home. Again.
Knowing that arguing was futile and not wanting to risk his mum going through with the threat of sending him to live with his dad, left Dan with very little he could do. He was just going to pack his stuff in boxes for the second time and hope there would not be a third time.
In the end, packing was better than thinking about the upcoming wedding.
*
The wedding was anything but extravagant. Dan never considered himself liking weddings and his mother’s was no different. However, he admitted that his mother actually looked really happy. Maybe moving would not be so bad if it meant his mum’s happiness didn’t just vanish after the wedding.
Luckily for Dan, there were no ghosts hanging around at the wedding, hence enjoyed a drink or two without anyone interrupting him and without having to disappear from his own mother’s wedding. His step-brothers did try to initiate awkward conversation with him but he was quick to start avoiding them after that.
Even though he was going to have to start living with them in the same house, Dan didn’t have any interest in involving to playing the part of a loving family. He agreed, albeit reluctantly, to move into a house with his mother’s new husband and that’s as much as he was willing to compromise.
Dan and his mum spent the previous week packing everything up into labelled boxes in preparation for their move since his mum was adamant that they spend the first night after the wedding in the new house. All of their belongings were taken to their new house by the removal guys, and now all that was left to do was for Dan to actually go to the house and start unpacking his stuff.
Not that he was in any rush to do that. As long as his room has a bed he can readily sleep on, and all his toiletries are out of the box, there was no need for him to rush the unpacking process. He only hoped that this was going to be the last time he would have to pack his whole life away only to have to unpack it again somewhere new.
It was more work than it was worth.
A few hours into the wedding, Dan started getting restless. It was nice to see his mum in a pleasant mood, but he was very much looking forward to leaving the party and get into bed for a good night’s sleep. Parties were never really his thing and it only got worse when he swore to keep socialising with other people to a bare minimum.
He could only drink so much before his mother started directing worried frowns on his way, and so he soon found himself leaning against the wall in a corner and hoping his mum and her new husband didn’t take too long to cut the cake.
It seemed his wishes were finally answered since the photographer hired by his mum was soon pulling him to the very front so that he could take a photo of the whole ‘family’ together as his mum and her husband cut the cake together.
Dan tried his best to smile in a way that was considered realistic. He glanced at his mum and they shared a look. While his mum’s smile was warm and content, he prayed that his smile mirrored hers, and was not one of boredom. Thinking about getting to go to his new home after eating a piece of cake made it a bit easier.
After the cake has been cut and distributed among the guests, many people started saying their goodbye. Dan tried not to look overly happy when his mum let him know that they were going to leave soon so he could go home first.
He was aware that ideally he would have told his mum that he was fine with waiting so that they could all leave together as one new happy family, but he just couldn’t bring himself to actually tell her that. He just wanted to go home, get changed out of the uncomfortable suit he was forced to wear and get into bed.
So with a quick goodbye to his mother and an awkward handshake with Clive, he was off.
Now that Dan was on his way to what could be considered as his new home, he couldn’t help feeling a little uncomfortable. The only time he was taken to visit their new home by his mum was a few days before the wedding, when they had taken a few boxes that could fit in the car. His mum insisted on showing him his new room, maybe as an attempt to get him feeling excited over their upcoming move.
Dan didn’t hate the room his mum chose for him. It was spacious and there was a large window that allowed for a lot of light to shine inside. It was a nice upgrade that almost made their move worth it. Almost.
Now he found himself having to go to this new house by himself and Dan couldn’t help but feel like he was intruding somewhere he did not belong. He was almost inclined to turn back and return to the party in order to wait for his mother so they could go to the house together for the first time.
The thought of having to return to and force himself to engage in conversations with people he has never even seen before in his life quickly changed Dan’s mind. Clive’s house was going to be his new home now and so Dan needed to get used to going in and out on his own. Sure, he would have felt more comfortable going in with his mum for the first time but he had no intention of ruining the last few minutes of her wedding day.
He got out his new set of keys as soon as his home was visible down the road. He didn’t waste much time looking at it from the outside. Dan was looking forward too much to finally getting some well needed rest. It had been a very tiring week but Dan could finally put it all behind him. Dan unlocked the door and quickly made his way inside, planning on preparing a nice hot bath to relax before going to bed.
Imagine his shock when, on walking into his new room, he realised that the room was inhabited by someone else. Someone who was not exactly alive.
*
“What the hell?”
This could not be happening to him. Of all the problems Dan had thought of regarding moving to a new home, he had never considered having a ghost in his room to be one of them. The ghost looked equally surprised as him, but that didn’t make Dan feel much better.
“I didn’t expect to see anyone coming in this early,” this man - this ghost - said nervously. He glanced at the clock that was already on Dan’s bedside table. Midnight. “Well, that’s not too early either,” the ghost admitted.“ It’s been awhile since anyone has come to stay in my room. My name is Phil,” the ghost said, smiling at him brightly. Dan wasn’t buying it.
Dan’s brain went through the two things things he wanted to do when he arrived home: take a relaxing bath and then sleep the night away. Instead, what he got was a ghost in his room who, unlike most ghosts Dan had met before, seemed to have no intention of starting a fight. That could mean two things: either Phil was still not aware that he was dead or he’s a harmless ghost.
Judging by what he said, Dan guessed it was the latter. That made things a little bit easier for him as it meant he didn’t have to break the news that Phil was dead and no longer exactly human. Few were the ghosts who took that piece of information well and Dan winced when he remembered back on all the times he ended up with bruises on his body because of that.
That didn’t mean Dan was at all happy with the current situation he found himself in. It was quite late in the evening and his week was tiring, to say the least. He didn’t have the time to try and get Phil to move on to the afterlife. Phil the Ghost would just have to wait.
“I think you mean my room. In case you haven’t noticed, you’re dead, so that means the room is not yours anymore. If you could kindly leave so I can get some sleep, it would be very much appreciated”, Dan said, already moving around the room to get the things he would need for his bath.
Phil’s smile was quickly wiped off of his face at Dan’s attitude. “Excuse me? I might be dead but this is still my house and you are still in my room. I’ve been staying here for years so, if anyone should leave, it should be you.”
Dan groaned and fought the urge to hit his head against the wall a few times. Of course he was stuck in the bedroom inhabited by a ghost. A ghost who did not seem the least bit inclined to get out and leave Dan alone.
“Look”, Dan started, trying to take on a different tactic. “I know you’re probably excited over finally meeting someone who can see you even though you’re a ghost. You probably can’t wait for me to start helping you fix whatever it is you need to fix so you can move on to the afterlife. I promise I’ll start helping you tomorrow, but for now I just need some rest. It’s been a hellish day, so I’ll repeat myself: get out.”
Phil looked confused and offended. “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. I have no intention of going to the ‘afterlife’, as you called it, and I was perfectly happy here until you barged in, demanding that I leave.”
Dan was quickly coming to his wit’s end. He realised that he could stay in the middle of the room arguing until he turned blue in the face, and Phil would still be adamant on not leaving. Dan considered his best option: to ignore Phil and carry on with his plans regardless of the ghost currently sitting on his new bed.
He grabbed a towel and changed out of clothes, then walked to his ensuite bathroom, ignoring the pair of eyes following his every move. Dan slammed the bathroom door shut, hoping to get across to Phil just how pissed off he was feeling.
There wasn’t much he could do about the ghost situation at the moment. The following day, he would politely ask his mum’s husband for a new room and hopefully this whole mess would be put behind him.
*
“Absolutely not,” his mum said, crushing all his hopes and dreams of getting a bedroom that was not inhabited by a ghost.
Dan’s night with the ghost was not as horrible as he initially thought it would be. Phil barely talked to him at all and was gone most of the time. That didn’t mean Dan was going to stick around.
His bedroom had always been the one place he could go to that felt safe and private. He could do whatever he wants to do in it and no one would be the wiser. Dan lost count of how many times he slept naked at night when he got too hot or walked around naked when he forgot to take a towel to the bathroom. There was no way he could do that knowing there was the chance a ghost could have just appear out of thin air and see him in that vulnerable state.
He needed a new room. Surely, in a house as big as this, it would have some spare room he could use instead of the one that he was given.
Apparently not.
His mum refused to ask Clive for a new room. “I don’t see why you would want a new room. You have the biggest bedroom in the house because Clive wanted to get on your good side, and you’re the only one who doesn’t have to share anything. What’s not to like?”
It’s not as if Dan could tell her all about finding a ghost waiting for him in his new room when he got back from the wedding, so instead he tried to come up with a half-assed excuse that wasn’t convincing.
“I’m used to noisy rooms and this one is so quiet. I couldn’t sleep properly last night so I thought maybe I could get a bedroom that was facing the main road instead?” Dan wanted to hit himself the second he opened his mouth. What sort of excuse was that? His mum was not going to believe him and she isn’t the one to be blamed.
HIs mum raised her eyebrows at him, clearly have caught him lying, but she didn’t call him out on it. Instead, she suggested something that made Dan’s skin crawl. “I’m sure James would love to make some room for you so you can share with him. His bedroom is facing the main road so it’s just what you’re looking for and you can get to know each other better. You would have to share a bathroom but I’m sure you won’t mind”.
Dan’s plan had backfired completely and he wasn’t sure how he was going to get out of it. Even the idea of the ghost in his room catching him sleeping completely naked was more appealing than the thought of sharing a room with one of his new step brothers. Not just any step brother, but James. He was one of the most disgusting persons Dan had ever met and sharing a room with him is equivalent to Dan voluntarily entering his own personal hell. That was not something what he wanted now.
“You know what, I think I’ll just stick with the room I have now but thanks for the offer. I think the quiet will do me some good once I get used to it. Help me think better and… stuff,” Dan rambled, slowly backing out of the room, making a hasty retreat. He didn’t fail to notice the amused look on his mother’s face and, with a sigh, admitted that she played him really well.
Dan was left with only one choice. He was going to have to learn to share a bedroom with a ghost, at least until he could figure out the reason why Phil couldn’t get to the afterlife, and then try to help him out. He tried not to think about the fact that Phil didn’t seem inclined on leaving the world of the living and move on to the afterlife.
He walked into his room and somehow managed to keep himself from jumping a foot in the air when he caught sight of Phil sitting on his bed as if he was the king of the bed. Dan refused to admit that this probably was an everyday occurrence for Phil. Whether it was or not, Dan planned on putting a stop to it.
He fake coughed in order to get Phil’s attention and then went straight on to business. “My plan to switch rooms failed so I’m stuck here, at least for the time being. I understand that, technically, this is your room as much as it is mine, but we’re going to have to establish some ground rules.”
Phil grunted, and didn’t look particularly happy about it, but Dan couldn’t care. His goal is to win himself some privacy from this ghost. Dan’s the one alive and breathing. This is his room anyway.
“First of all, no random appearances in the bathroom. I don’t want to feel paranoid while taking a shower because I’m scared you’ll just pop up out of nowhere and see me naked. Also, you’re capable of knocking. Please do so before coming into the room so I can at least expect your appearance.” Dan didn’t think he was being too unreasonable with his requests. It’s what everyone with a roommate would expect in order to live peacefully.
Phil was not of the same opinion. “You think I’m going to be knocking to come into my own room? If anyone here should be knocking, it’s you! How dare you just show up here and expect me to live like a guest in my own home? Who do you think you are?”
Dan probably looked like a fish out of water. From the second he laid eyes on him, Phil seemed like the kind of guy that was very difficult to anger. Dan was surprised that he managed to do so after just two encounters. He was not about to back down, though. This room might have been Phil’s at some point but he was dead now and Dan was the rightful owner.
Phil just had to deal with it.
“I don’t know if you’ve realised this but you’re dead,” Dan said, starting to lose his patience. “The one thing you should really be doing is trying to figure out a way to move on so you can leave me alone and I can finally get some privacy in this stupid house.”
That seemed to be the worst thing to say. Phil started turning red (or as red as you can turn when you’re a ghost) and then simply disappeared with a pop.
Maybe Dan had finally gotten through to him.
*
He didn’t.
The following night, Dan was woken up in the middle of the night to the sound of banging coming from his bathroom.
“What the hell?” he muttered, quickly getting out of bed to check what all the commotion was about. He could only stare in bewilderment at the sight of Phil throwing bottles of shampoo and body wash onto the floor.
“What in the world are you doing?!” Dan shouted, and then bit his tongue, realising that it is the middle of the night and he doesn’t want to wake anyone up.
Phil looked at him in what appeared to be satisfaction, and then threw one last bottle to the floor just to spite Dan before disappearing as if he was never there in the first place.
Dan really wanted to think that this was all a big misunderstanding. Maybe Phil needed to use the shower, and he accidentally dropped the bottles he wanted to use. Even with his brain feeling muddled with weariness, Dan could tell that was probably not the case. Why would a ghost need to take a shower?
The truth was that Dan knew perfectly well what Phil was doing, he just couldn’t believe it. The ghost was trying to get back at him for trying to put up some boundaries. “I can’t believe this is the thanks I get for not exorcising him and instead trying to make things go smoothly.”
He went back to bed, hoping that this would be the last time before his patience wear off.
*
That wasn’t the last time.
In the next few days, Phil continued to try his very best to make Dan’s life difficult. It started off with a mild disturbance; an instance that was similar to how Phil woke Dan up by throwing bottles in the bathroom. But now, it was going downhill.
Dan still turned bright red whenever he remembered catching Phil peaking from behind his bedroom door as he was changing into his pyjamas for the night. The only reason he didn’t start yelling on the top of his lungs, screaming to lecture Phil the Ghost about privacy, and reminding the ghost the importance knocking was because he didn’t want to wake up the rest of the people in the house. If he was caught, how would he explain to his mum the reason why he was yelling at the wall about privacy?
He hadn’t gotten off before they moved out, and Dan was feeling particularly lustful. He hadn’t gotten off since before they moved out and now Dan was feeling the effects of it. He was never the kind of guy to go too long without having a little bit of fun, even if by himself. With everything that had been going on since he moved, Dan just never found the time.
Phil’s presence, or the fact that he can poof into thin air without a warning, had been the constant reason why any of Dan’s plans to enjoy himself were ruined. He didn’t consider himself to be very shy but certain things were meant for his eyes only. However, the ghost had cheekily seen him changing into his clothes more often than he should. There was no way Dan was letting the ghost see him in the midst of pleasure.
Strangely enough, it had been a few days since he saw Phil. Even though a part of him knew that it was probably a ploy so as to get to him when he least suspected, a more hopeful part wanted to believe Phil had finally given up and was leaving him alone for a few days.
Whatever the reason, Dan was not about to waste an opportunity like this. He hurriedly grabbed an extra towel, and walked into the bathroom, feeling excited. Dan made sure to look his doors, in case any living person in this house decided to barge into his room. Even though Phil could easily appear wherever he wanted to, at least he was secured from one thing, and that allowed him to be a little less paranoid than he already was.
Dan stood under the shower and waited for the warmth to kick in. He tried not to think about how he preferred his bed than being in the shower. He didn’t let his mind go there. Phil’s a creep and Dan really wanted to avoid feeling embarrassed. This was his chance, and Dan was not going to waste it.
All thoughts of Phil were gone from his head as he slowly started moving his hand up and down, letting out small huffs and moans with each drag of his hand. One thing was for sure, Dan was never going to go so long without getting himself off again.
He spent the next few minutes in the same way, moving his hand up and down and making sure to change his rhythm every once in awhile in order to keep himself on his toes. Dan could feel himself getting close, but he still made sure to keep his noises under control. The last thing he needed was for his mum to hear him or even worse, his new “family”.
Dan used one hand to hold on to the wall and kept pleasuring himself with the other, making sure to increase his speed just as he felt himself getting closer and closer to the edge. He was so close, just a little longer and he would get there--
“Oh my God.”
Dan quickly whirled around when he heard a voice behind him and almost caused him to slip in the shower. He could feel himself turning bright red the second he realised it was Phil staring at him with his mouth wide open and looking him up and down; flustered.
Dan quickly tried to cover himself as much as he could with his hands and then threw the bottle of bath wash he was using at Phil’s head. He missed.
“Get the hell out of here!” Dan hissed, wanting to get out of the shower and push Phil out himself but not wanting to risk exposing himself more than he already had. Thankfully, that made Phil snap out of the daze he seemed to have found himself in and quickly walked out of the bathroom by walking through the wall; probably the same way he had let himself in, but not before getting one last look at Dan which made the latter turn rosier out of embarrassment.
With the knowledge that Phil was safely out of the bathroom, Dan turned around once again and made a quick work of rinsing himself off. The lustful mood he was in before had completely disappeared just like his hard on, and now all he wanted to do was to get out of the shower, get dressed and then find a corner to hide in for the rest of the month.
Just the thought of facing Phil after what had just occured made him wish the ground would just swallow him up so that he never had to look at the ghost again.
Dan quickly dried himself up and got dressed then walked out of the bathroom. It was time to give the ghost a piece of his mind. He was putting up with way too much and Phil was clearly taking advantage of it. Walking in on Dan during such private moment was the last straw.
His anger ebbed out when he noticed Phil sitting on Dan’s bed, looking petrified. “I didn’t mean to walk in on you like that!” Phil defended himself as soon as he caught the sight of Dan. “I thought I’d mess with you because I haven’t done that in a while so I decided to scare you while you were showering. I didn’t know you would be doing… other things.”
Dan could feel himself turn red in embarrassment again at having the ghost remind him of what the latter saw. Even though he wanted to be angry at Phil for barging into the bathroom on him during something that should have been private, he couldn’t find it in himself to yell at him.
It was clear by the look on Phil’s face that, even though he wanted to be mischievous and get on Dan’s nerves, it was never his intention to sneak a peek at Dan while he was busy pleasuring himself. It was also clear to Dan that Phil was not going anywhere and they needed to figure out a few ground rules if they were to cohabit without a problem. Dan hadn’t seen this situation coming when he tried to make a truce with Phil in the beginning, but with the ghost finally seeing the point, it might be a good time for Dan to try to establish a protocol.
Dan sighed and sat down next to Phil on the bed. “What happened today cannot -- under any circumstances -- happen again,” he started, and was glad to notice that Phil was nodding vigorously from the corner of his eyes. At least they were finally on the same page.
Despite wanting to solve the matter, Dan’s mind muddled with trying to come up with a solution to their dilemma, and he couldn’t think of something that would allow him to have the privacy he wanted.
It was then that Dan recalled the time at his old school -- the time when he heard a couple of students talk about what students in university do to get some private time when they are in shared dormitories. Dan figured that that could actually work for him and Phil without being too awkward.
“I could use a sock”, he said, and but pressed his lip to keep himself from laughing when he saw the baffled look that Phil was giving him. “Students at college tend to wrap a sock around the door handle when they don’t want their roommates to barge in on them. Maybe we could adopt that system ourselves so no more awkward encounters like today happen again?”
Phil seemed to be a little confuse, and it reminded Dan of the fact that he knew next to nothing about the ghost who was inhabiting his room with him. Phil could have died years before Dan was even born and he wouldn’t know because he had never bothered to ask.
“How old are you exactly?” he asked, a little hesitant to know the truth. “I mean your real age, not how old you were when you died.”
Phil seemed to be in thought for a few seconds before he answered. “I think I might be thirty years old this year. I can’t be sure, though. It’s hard to keep a proper track of time when you’re dead. All I’m sure of is that I was twenty-two when I died.”
Dan couldn’t help but feel relieved. If he had to be stuck with a ghost sharing his bedroom, at least said ghost wasn’t much older than him. The situation they found themselves in would have been a lot creepier if the ghost Dan was stuck with was double his age.
“You’re old enough to know about the sock method then, right? I put a sock on the doorknob, and you’ll know that I need some alone time, and you’re not to interrupt me. Do you think you can do that?”
Dan half-expected the ghost to argue and say that this was his house, not Dan’s, and he wasn’t going to be stopped by some stupid sock on a doorknob. But Dan was pleasantly surprised when all Phil did was nod in acceptance of Dan’s idea.
“That sounds good to me. I wanted to apologise again. It’s true that I had no idea what you were actually doing in the shower,” he started, being kind enough to ignore the way Dan’s face turned cherry red at being reminded of the incident earlier. “It was wrong of me to just barge in like that, no matter what you were doing.”
Dan was not expecting an actual apology from the ghost, who just a few days earlier, was yelling at him for being an intruder. This left Dan off guard, and he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to reply. In the end, he just settled for a thin smile and a nod.
His plan was to leave it at that, but then Dan remembered that he was not the kindest to the ghost when they first met and, in retrospect, had said things that he shouldn’t have said. Phil was not the only one who needed to apologise.
“I’m sorry too,” Dan finally said, figuring that he needed to get their misunderstandings out of the way. “I wasn’t the nicest to you when I got here, and I could have been a little more understanding of the fact that a stranger was walking into your home; trying to order you around.”
Dan almost made a joke over the fact that he didn’t really need to apologise for walking into his room in the first place but changed his mind at the last second. Something told him Phil would not appreciate the joke, especially after he had finally apologised.
With all the apologies out of the way, Dan decided this was the right time to bring up something that had been making him curious ever since he found Phil in his room. “You never did tell me why you didn’t move on to the afterlife.”
He realised it might not have been his greatest idea when he saw the way Phil’s face closed off when he brought it up. They were finally making progress and acting friendlier towards each other, but it seemed as if Dan somehow managed to ruin it with just one sentence.
“I don’t really want to talk about it, and I don’t think it’s any of your business anyway.”
Dan wanted to accept that as his answer and move on, he really did, but curiosity always got the best of him. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I can help you if you want. I’ve helped many ghosts who were stuck here get to the afterlife.”
Phil scoffed at that and shook his head. “My apology did absolutely nothing. You’re still trying to get rid of me.”
Dan could understand why the ghost would get that impression, but it really wasn’t the case. Now that they got a few things out of the way, he was no longer in any rush to get rid of him. He was genuinely just trying to help, but it seemed like his good intentions were not getting through to Phil.
“I can understand why you would get that impression, but I swear this isn’t me trying to get rid of you,” Dan explained, trying to get through to Phil. “I genuinely just want to help. It can’t be easy hanging around on your own with no one to keep you company.”
He managed not to upset Phil even more with his answer and even got a small smile in return. “I appreciate you wanting to help me, but I’m fine. You get used to it after a while and besides, I’m not completely alone anymore. I’ve got you to keep me company.”
Dan tried not the let his words affect him but ultimately failed when he couldn’t stop himself from smiling. How they had gone from arguing and fighting to enjoying each other’s company was beyond him, but Dan couldn’t find it in himself to care.
*
Their relationship improved after the conversation. Phil was always careful to knock before walking into his room, and Dan soon found himself comfortable enough with the ghost to open up like he never had before, not even with Ollie.
“I’ve been able to see dead people since I was very young,” he said, as he was lying in bed with Phil lying down next to him. “At first I didn’t realise they were dead. I would see someone staring at me, and I would point them out to my mum, only to be told that there was no one there. It took me a while to figure out not everyone could see what I was seeing.”
Dan let out a humourless laugh; thinking back on what he went through from such a young age. “At first my mum just thought it was harmless imagination. She thought I was pointing out my imaginary friends to her. She freaked when she realised I had been serious all along. That’s when the visit to the therapists started.”
He felt a hand settle on top of his and he squeezed in return to show Phil he appreciated his comfort. Dan learned from their budding friendship that Phil was a really good listener. He always let Dan finish what he had to say before making any comments and knew just how to comfort him silently.
“They all had something different to say. Some said I was delusional, others thought I was experiencing hallucinations. Most of them thought it was just my way of showing how upset I was over my parents getting a divorce. It didn’t matter that I kept telling them I was glad for their divorce because it meant I didn’t have to hear any more fighting.”
A part of him still couldn’t believe that he was speaking about this out loud to someone for the first time in his life, and he wasn’t getting judged. He wasn’t sure what was making him trust Phil so much.
Maybe it was the fact that the ghost already knew he could see dead people, so he knew he wouldn’t be judged over it. Whatever it was, Dan was grateful for it. It felt really good to finally be able to open up about a part of himself which he had always kept hidden.
“When the therapists started talking about giving me medication, I panicked. I knew what I was seeing was real. There really were dead people trying to talk to me, and they weren’t just a fragment of my imagination. In the end, I figured out that the only way to get everyone off my back was to lie and tell them that I stopped seeing dead people. It worked like a charm.”
Dan still felt bitter when he remembered how accomplished everyone looked when he lied. As if their useless treatment and telling him over and over again that what he was seeing was not real, was finally working. As heartbreaking as it was as a child, Dan couldn’t help but to think back on that moment with a degree of happiness.
Lying to everyone got him out of a situation he hated being in. There were no more therapists behaving as if they knew better than him, and his mother stopped looking at him with eyes and words brimmed with worry and fear. He could finally live a normal life with his friends, even if that didn’t last very long.
He had already told Phil he was gay, and recalling the ghost’s reaction after telling him just what Ollie did, never failed to put a smile on his face. Phil had demanded Dan to tell him just where Ollie lived so he could give him a little visit for revenge. Dan couldn’t bring himself to remind Phil that he could not really do much to Ollie considering he was a ghost and no one could see him. It was the thought that counts, anyway.
Once he was sure he was finished with his story, Phil turned to look at him, and Dan was shocked to see him looking so sad. It was true that what he told Phil was not a happy story, but it still amazed him to see someone else looking so upset on his behalf. It was a new feeling and Dan found himself feeling fonder of Phil.
“I’m sorry you had to go through that. It can’t be easy, but I can’t say that it’s an unfortunate ability to possess. If you weren’t able to see dead people, we never would have met, and I would have kept on walking aimlessly in this life with no one to communicate with.”
Even with the pain and suffering Dan went through because of his ability to see the dead, he still couldn’t disagree with Phil. It’s true that they didn’t get along at first, but now Dan couldn’t even imagine himself coming back home from school without finding Phil ready to greet him in his room.
Even Dan’s mum was starting to notice a difference, and even commented on the fact that Dan seemed happier these days. She thought it was because of his new school and the new house, but to Dan, his happiness comes from coming home to see Phil. He finally had someone to listen and talk to after so many years. Dan could finally say he was content.
Of course that wouldn’t last forever.
“You’ve been so honest with me”, Phil suddenly said, shaking Dan out of his thoughts. “You’ve told me about being gay, about Ollie, and now you’ve even told me about what you went through when you were younger. I haven’t even told you why I never moved on to the afterlife.”
Dan found himself suddenly sitting up straight after hearing that. It was true that Phil never brought up the topic again after Dan offered his help. Dan was still curious about it, but never brought it up himself because he wanted to respect the ghost’s wishes. He wanted to wait until Phil was ready.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Talking about personal things that still hurt us… It’s hard. I don’t want you to tell me just because you feel like you owe me. You don’t. I told you all of that because I trust you. I want you to do the same. Tell me only when you’re ready.”
Phil was quick to reply. “I know I don’t have to tell you, but I want to, because I trust you.”
Knowing that Phil trusted him enough to talk to Dan about something grievous warmed his heart. It was a good feeling, but he shouldn’t fail Phil’s trust in him.
Phil took a deep breath, preparing himself for what he was about to say. “Ten years ago, I was sleeping in this very room. I woke up in the middle of the night because I could hear screams and shouts coming from outside. At first, I thought it was some drunks having a fight or something but, when I looked out of my window, I realised they were all looking at my house in horror. The whole thing was on fire.”
Dan could only look at Phil in shock. Clive had never mentioned anything about the house being burnt down when Dan and his mum moved in. Granted, Dan never really asked him anything about the house, but it was still a shock to hear.
“I quickly ran to the door to get out even though I was already thinking it was going to be hopeless. You know this room is at the very top of the house. The chances of me getting out of my room and downstairs safely were slim, but I didn’t want to just give up. Turns out, it didn’t matter. My bedroom door was locked from the outside, and there was no way for me to get out.”
Even though Phil didn’t say it, Dan could still assume what he meant. He was killed. Someone must have locked the door from the outside, then set fire to the house with the intention of Phil being trapped inside with no way of getting out. “It was murder.”
Phil nodded with a bitter smile. “Yeah. That’s not why I can’t move on to the afterlife though. I.. .never found out who murdered me. From what I figured, the police carried out an investigation but, by the time they put off the fire, the whole house was in ruins, and they could barely even identify my body. There was no evidence -- everything was destroyed by the fire. The case was filed as unsolved.”
Dan wasn’t sure what he could say. He desperately wanted to help Phil to find peace after years of uncertainty, by moving on to the afterlife. Dan didn’t even know where to begin. If the police were unable to find anything after investigations, Dan doubted he was going to have any luck in finding Phil’s murderer.
“I’m going to do everything I can to help to uncover the truth, Phil,” he promised.
Phil smiled at him, but Dan could tell that the ghost was convinced that there was nothing Dan could do, and he wasn’t exactly wrong. But Dan was determined not to give up.
You deserve to know who killed you. I know it might seem impossible right now, but so does seeing the dead and… Here I am,” Dan said, gesturing to himself, making Phil laugh.
“Thank you,” Phil said with a smile. That only made Dan more resolute to find out the truth.
*
“Dan, you’ve been on your laptop for days and haven’t gotten any closer to figuring it out. If I had known you would act like this I would have never told you what happened. You haven’t done your homework in three days!”
Dan could only roll his eyes at Phil. “Please. If I wasn’t looking things up, I still wouldn’t do my homework until my teachers threatened to expel me so I’m really not doing anything different.”
Phil looked like he wanted to argue but it wasn’t as if Dan was lying. He was never the kind of person to finish his homework early and always tried to find whatever excuse possible to simply not do it at all.
“Fine, don’t do your homework but at least stop wasting your time searching for things you won’t find. Whatever it is you’re looking for, you won’t find it on the Internet. It happened ten years ago, Dan.”
Dan was on a streak; looking through the internet in the hopes of stumbling on something that could help him in his search for Phil’s murderer, but Phil was right. The chances of finding anything remotely useful about a case that happened ten years was almost impossible.
He stopped typing and scrolling long enough to give Phil a dirty look. “It’s like you don’t even want me to find out who murdered you. I know that the internet is most probably not going to give me what I’m looking for, but I can’t just do nothing. I’ve already looked through every newspaper in the library with no results.”
“It’s not that I don’t want you to find out the truth. I just don’t want to see you waste your time on something that happened ten years ago.”
Phil just didn’t get it. Dan needed to find out the truth. He wanted to help out Phil more than he ever wanted to help any ghosts he has encountered before. It just so happened that Phil’s case was the hardest one he had ever tried to solve.
Usually the dead people who ask Dan for help just want him to deliver a message to loved ones or want to know how their families were doing. Once, there was even an old lady who wanted him to find a new home for her dog. Never before did he have to play detective and attempt to solve a murder.
It suddenly hit Dan. “I think I’m searching for the wrong things. You said the police gave up because there were no evidence, and yes, it’s unlikely I’d find any if they can’t even find anything. But maybe I can look something up about my… power,” he said.
Dan thought his idea would be received well by Phil, and the ghost would finally offer to help him out rather than leaving him to look things up on his own, but all Dan got was a sigh. “What are you going to look up, Dan? ‘I see dead people in the streets and need to know how to help them cross to the other side’. I’m sure that is going to give you a lot of trustworthy results and not swindlers, taking money from people who are grieving.”
That was not the attitude Dan was looking for. “You know what, I’m not doing this for fun. You’ve been stuck in this limbo for ten years and I’m doing my best to try and help you out. I would appreciate a little help rather than you trying to demotivate me,” he snapped.
Dan was more than aware that he was fighting a losing battle. He was not going to find any evidence about who killed Phil and the chances of finding anything remotely helpful about his power on Google was slim.
He knew all that, but Dan still didn’t want to give up. Phil was turning into the one person who meant the most to Dan and it killed him to see Phil stuck in a limbo with no way out. He just wanted to help, so having Phil constantly telling him to give up was getting on his nerves.
Phil didn’t seem to have any intention of backing down. “Did you ever think that maybe I don’t want your help? I’ve been here on my own for ten years and suddenly you show up, trying to change everything. Maybe I don’t want to go to the afterlife. Maybe I just want to stay here and talk to you and have actual conversations with actual people after years of only having myself for company.”
Dan tried to ignore the guilt feeling that was starting to creep up. It never occurred to him that Phil might not want to move on to the afterlife. He just figured that since Phil opened up about the reason why he was still here, it meant he was finally ready to accept Dan’s help and that he was ready to move on. He also tried not to think that Phil moving on to the afterlife would mean never seeing him again. The thought hurt Dan.
“You can’t possibly want to stick around here, Phil,” he said, trying to reason with him. “I enjoy your company as well but I’m the only person you can talk to. No one else can see you. And I’m going to get old, Phil. I’m going to get old while you stay exactly as you are because you’re dead. Is that really the life you want for yourself?”
“Don’t you think I know that?” Phil snapped; he looked hurt. “Don’t you think I spend every moment thinking about having to watch you grow older, while I stay looking exactly the same? I think about it all the time, but it doesn’t make me want to leave. I appreciate you wanting to help Dan - I really do - but I should be the one to decide what I want to do.”
Dan wasn’t sure what he was supposed to reply. On one hand, Phil’s words warmed his heart. Phil enjoyed spending time with him as much as he did. He didn’t want to leave him. On the other hand, Dan didn't want to be the one keeping Phil from finally moving on to the afterlife to live a better life.
“You’re right, I can’t tell you what to do. I can’t force you to help me find out the truth, and I’ll accept your wish not to move on to the afterlife if that’s what you want. But you can’t stop me from looking. I will keep on looking for ways in which I can help you so that, if you change your mind, I’ll know what to do.”
Phil seemed disappointed and it was clear he disagreed with Dan, but at least he didn’t argue. Dan was going to count that as his victory. He was going to respect Phil’s wishes and secretly celebrate the fact that he was going to have Phil all for himself, at least for the time being.
But no one was going to stop him from looking for answers.
*
Dan spent weeks searching for answers and he wasn’t any closer to finding out anything than he was at the start.
Looking through Google gave him nothing but disappointment and frustration as he could only find websites of people claiming they could talk to dead loved ones for a price. Dan didn’t doubt for a second that these people were all frauds and not like him.
At least they were all frauds, until he stumbled upon a particular website which did not seem as shady as the others had. At first he was uncertain, as it was a website dedicated to the supernatural and Dan never considered himself as anything. At the most, he could say that he considered himself to be a medium.
Or he didn’t, until he stumbled upon a particular post written by a guy who appeared his age. What caught Dan’s eye was the fact that this guy described everything Dan went through from when he was young; when he started seeing dead people.
His logic was telling him that this was all coincidence and this guy was just joking around or lying. There was no way there were other people like Dan out there, who knew what it was like to be like him.
Even knowing that the chances of this being fake were high, he couldn’t help but try to get in contact with the person who wrote the post: Maurice.
Dan quickly typed out a message and sent it to him. He made sure not to say anything about his own abilities, instead he kept the message general. He just wanted to learn more about Maurice; not expose himself.
Maurice was quick to reply. He told him all about seeing his first dead person when he was six years old and telling everyone at school about his ability. Much like Dan, it resulted in him getting shunned by all his classmates.
Dan tried not to fall for anything, but he couldn’t help it. Maurice’s story almost matched his experiences - and they were convincing. He couldn’t help but to consider that there could be some truth to it.
Dan then messaged Maurice back, asking him to meet up before Dan changed his mind. If there was any chance of other people out there having the same ability as him, he wasn’t going to waste it. He might never get another chance to learn about himself.
It didn’t take long for Maurice to reply and agree to meet up. They quickly settled for a place and time and agreed to talk more face-to-face.
After setting up their appointment, Dan began to regret his rash decision. He thought of what Phil would say if he were ever to find out Dan agreed to meet a total stranger to discuss about his power. There was no doubt in Dan’s mind that Phil would be completely against it.
That was mostly why, in the end, Dan decided not to tell him anything about it. Dan was going to come up with some excuse of why he was going out, then meet up with Maurice. If things went well, he would tell Phil about it, and if it didn’t go to plan, Phil wouldn’t know anything in the first place. It was a fool-proof plan.
Now all Dan needed to do was to meet up with Maurice and hope that he was not making a big mistake.
*
Dan was relieved to find out that Maurice really was telling the truth about seeing dead people, and he was only a few years older than him. One of the biggest fears Dan had about this meeting was not having known anything about Maurice, not even his age. At least now he could confirm that he was not old enough that Maurice could pass as his dad.
“Do you know anything else about people like us… apart from being able to see dead people”, Dan asked curiously.
Now that he knew someone who was in the same boat as him, Dan was desperate to find more about who they were and what they could do. Dan found it hard to believe that all he could do was see dead people. There have to be other things he could do, maybe even something he could do to help out Phil.
Maurice did not disappoint. “Did you seriously think that all you could do was see dead people? After all these years, you’ve never figured anything else out?”
Dan could feel himself turning red. How was he supposed to learn anything else about his power when, until a few days ago, he was certain that he was the only person in the whole world that could do this? Not to mention that half of the time he was too busy trying to hide his abilities from everyone else.
“Are you actually going to tell me what else we can do, or do I have to guess?” Dan asked sarcastically. So far, he was not impressed by Maurice’s attitude towards him.
“It’s not as simple as a lecture. There are things which I can’t describe but I can definitely show you. If you’re interested, that is.”
Of course Dan was interested. He would not be here if he didn’t want to learn more about his ability. He would be back home and hanging out with Phil.
“What else can people like you and me do then?”
The last thing he was expecting was for Maurice to smirk and shake his head. “I’ll show you everything you want to know and teach you. However, we can’t possibly do everything today and it’s getting late. How about we meet up another time?”
Dan was starting to get the impression that Maurice didn’t have much interest in talking to him about their abilities, and was much more interested in getting into his pants instead. The hungry look he was giving him only confirmed his suspicions.
He was so close to saying no and going back home, but then he thought of just who was waiting for him back at home. Phil. He needed to do this if he was going to have any luck in finding out a way to help out Phil get to the afterlife if he ever changed his mind.
“Fine, we’ll do it your way. I’ll meet you next week at the same coffee shop, and you can show me everything I need to know. Happy?”
Maurice wasn’t done trying to get what he wanted. “One meeting is not enough to get through everything. There’s a lot for me to teach you. I’ll make you a deal. We’ll meet at my place every Tuesday at five and I’ll teach you everything you want to know.”
Dan had no doubts over what Maurice was doing now. He didn’t have any actual interest in teaching him, and at this point, Maurice was just taking advantage of the situation. He must have realised that Dan was desperate for more information and decided to gain something from it.
At first thought, Dan didn’t have any intention in saying yes. Maurice didn’t interest him in the same way, and it was clear that they both wanted very different things from each other. Thinking about Phil again quickly changed Dan’s mind.
He needed Maurice, whether Dan liked it or not. Without him he was not going to learn anything new about his abilities and he would not be of any help. He wasn’t happy about having to spent so much time with Maurice, but it was clear that there weren’t many choices for him to choose from. Maurice got nothing out of helping him out and so he was not going to settle for anything else than what he was offering.
“Fine, it’s a deal. But I’m only meeting you for an hour every week. No more and no less.”
Phil wasn’t going to be happy about this.
*
“You did what?!” Phil yelled, looking at Dan as if he completely lost his mind. Dan couldn’t blame him, but there was no need for yelling.
“I know it sounds bad, but there’s a reason why I agreed in the first place. He’s going to teach me more about my ability, about what else I can do other than seeing dead people,” he rushed to explain.
Phil didn’t seem to be unfazed. “You agreed to meet a complete stranger without telling anyone about it, and now you’re telling me that you’ve agreed to go to his place once a week. Dan, I shouldn’t be telling you what a stupid idea this is,” he said, sounding exasperated.
“You know nothing about this guy. For all we know, he could be lying about seeing dead people and just using it as an excuse to take advantage of you. You can’t just show up to his place like that.”
Dan knew that what Phil was saying was true, but he also knew that he didn’t have any other choice. “What he told me fits perfectly with what I have experienced ever since I started seeing dead people. I don’t think he’s lying, Phil, and if there’s any chance for me to learn more about what I can do, I have to risk it. It’s the only way I can help you.”
That was clearly the wrong thing to say judging by the way Phil clenched his fists and looked away from him. “I’ve already told you that I don’t need your help! We agreed that you will give me the choice and going around to strangers’ homes for ‘lessons’ is not giving me a choice.”
Dan was getting tired of his attempts at helping being thrown back in his face by Phil over and over again. “I said I’m going to give you the choice and I have no intention of going back on my promise. But I want to have it all figured out in case you change your mind. Besides, did you ever think that maybe I’m not just doing this for you? That maybe after years of thinking I’m the only one who can see dead people, I’ve finally found someone who is like me? Who can understand me?”
Dan made sure not to mention anything about how Maurice did not particularly impress him with his attitude. Phil already seemed to be on edge, he didn’t want to end up making it worse. Let Phil think that he was happy to hang out with Maurice.
Phil let out a resigned sigh, then shook his head. “I don’t know why you even bothered telling me. It’s pretty clear to me that you never had any intention of listening to what I have to say. Go, hang out with Maurice. See if I care.” With that Phil disappeared and Dan was left alone in his bedroom, staring at thin air.
This had gone even worse than Dan was expecting.
*
Phil didn’t really talk to him for the next couple of days. He was adamant on telling Dan just how bad of an idea hanging out with Maurice was.
“Are you sure you want to do this, Dan? Because we’re talking about spending an hour every week with a complete asshole who only wants to get in your pants. It’s dangerous.”
Dan had enough of this. “I’m going to his place to learn more about my abilities. How is that dangerous? Besides, I’m more than capable of taking care of myself. Can’t you just trust me?”
Phil didn’t bring it up again after that but it was clear that he was not happy about the situation but Dan didn’t care. Phil would eventually get over it, and he would have more knowledge about what he could do.
The first session with Maurice wasn’t bad. He still tried flirting with Dan, but it never went further than that, and he did keep his end of the bargain by explaining to Dan more about their abilities and what they could do.
He even introduced Maurice to Phil and, even though the ghost was determined on hating him, at least now he could no longer give Dan grief over meeting with a stranger.
The problems only started later on, when it seemed as if Maurice was starting to get more confident in his advances on Dan.
“Not everyone can do what I do,” Maurice said. “I’ve met people whose powers are not strong enough; they can just hear dead people. Others can see them. People who are more powerful tend to have more capabilities. I have a good feeling about you.”
Dan ignored the smirk Maurice was directing his way. Instead, Dan only focused on the new information he was given. He could certainly do more than just hear dead people; Phil was proof. Not to mention that Dan could also touch them. Maybe Maurice wasn’t exactly wrong. “What can you do?”
Dan regretted asking Maurice the question as soon as he saw the shade of cockiness on the latter’s face.
“I’m glad you asked. I can do more than just talking to the dead. I have the ability to remove someone’s soul from their body and replace it with someone else’s. That’s pretty cool, but I think my favourite ability is being able to travel back in time. I’ve always wanted to be a time traveller.”
Dan wasn’t sure whether Maurice was just taking the piss or was being serious. Both abilities sounded far-fetched and he couldn’t help but think that Maurice just made them up to mess with him. Then again, even speaking to dead people sounded far-fetched to someone who couldn’t do it.
“Wouldn’t removing someone’s soul from their body kill them?” Dan asked, saying the first thing that came into his head.
Maurice shrugged. “Essentially, yes.”
Dan would have taken a step back from Maurice if he could. Maybe Phil was onto something when he said Maurice could be dangerous. Someone who went around ripping people’s souls from their bodies didn’t seem like the sort of person Dan wanted to be associated with.
Maurice must have noticed the effect of his words on Dan because he quickly backtracked. “I only did it once and I didn’t know what I was doing. I was still new to this whole thing and it just happened. I don’t make a habit out of ripping souls out of people.”
Something about the way he said it didn’t convince Dan. He was so invested in this new tidbit of information he got from Maurice that he barely thought about the fact that apparently Maurice could travel back in time.
“I think we should call it a day, I’m not feeling very well,” Dan said. He needed to get away from Maurice to try to process what he had been told.
“You’re leaving already? It hasn’t been an hour and our deal was that we meet up for an hour once a week.”
Dan knew he was right. Their deal was an hour every week, but he couldn’t force himself to stick through their meeting; not when his mind was filled with thoughts of people painfully having their souls ripped out of their bodies, leaving them in a comatose state. Dan’s thought was going to be the death of him.
“I know, but I’m really not feeling well today. We’ll continue next time.”
Maurice didn’t seem to be buying it, but at least it didn’t seem like he was going to argue. “Fine, we’ll continue this next week then. I’ll just give you something so that you don’t miss me until I see you again next week…”
Before Dan could get a chance to react, Maurice had already leaned in to kiss him. Dan quickly pushed him away in order to put more space between them. “What the Hell do you think you’re doing?!” Dan hissed.
Maurice didn’t even look remotely guilty. He was still smirking at Dan as if he hadn’t just kissed him out of the blue, given that he must have sensed that Dan wasn’t interested in him.
“Oh, come on, Dan. You must have realised that I like you.”
Unbelievable. Dan could not believe that Maurice was acting as if nothing was wrong. “And you must have realised that I have zero interest in you whatsoever, and yet you still kissed me. I think these meetings were a mistake. Don’t expect to see me next week,” he said, making a move to grab his bag. He was stopped by Maurice.
“I don’t think you want to do that, Dan,” said Maurice in a provocative voice that creeped out the wits of Dan. “At least not if you want to keep on seeing your precious Phil.”
That stopped Dan right in his tracks, turning cold. “What did you just say?”
“Let’s just say that I did a bit of research after you introduced us and I know where he is buried. I could very easily exorcise him if I wanted to. Do you really want that to happen to poor Phil?”
Dan wanted to punch the smirk off of Maurice’s face. He did not want to keep attending these ‘lessons’ with Maurice, not after what happened. Maurice made his intentions clear. Dan could see that he didn’t have any real interest on helping him learn more about his abilities.
As much as he wanted to tell Maurice to get lost and never see him again, he knew he couldn't do that. Dan wasn’t sure if Maurice was serious about exorcising Phil. He didn’t have any way of knowing if Maurice could really exorcise Phil to the afterlife, but he knew that he couldn’t risk it. Phil meant too much to him.
Maurice knew that, which is why he was looking so smug, like the cat that got the cream. “So, I’ll see you next week?”
Dan left without another word, but they both knew that he would be back.
*
Dan didn’t mention anything about what happened with Maurice to Phil. The ghost already hated him, and Dan didn’t want to give him more reasons to do so. Phil would probably insist Dan to stop seeing Maurice, even if it meant Maurice might carry out his threat of exorcising him. Dan couldn’t let that happen.
He also refrained from telling Phil about his newfound abilities. Maybe it was because he wasn’t sure about it himself, or maybe it was because he wanted to forget everything that happened from the second he met Maurice.
It was his fault he was in this situation in the first place. Phil warned him it was dangerous to meet up with a stranger and to take ‘lessons’ from him, but Dan didn’t listen. He was so excited at the idea of finally meeting someone like him and knowing more about his abilities that common sense went out of the window.
Now Phil was in danger and it was all because of him. The thought of Phil getting exorcised… Phil who was a great listener, who trusted him enough to tell him how he died, who spent hours watching movies with him.
Dan admitted - at least to himself - that what he felt towards the ghost was more than the merely caring for a friend. However, it was completely ridiculous, and Dan knew that the chances of something more happening between them were slim. Phil was dead while Dan was very much alive.
But Dan would never let anything bad happen to Phil, even if it meant he had to keep seeing Maurice once every week.
“What’s up with you?” Phil asked, shaking him out of his thoughts. “You’ve been acting weird ever since you came back from meeting that guy. Did he do anything to you? Because if he did I swear I will-”
Dan cut him off before Phil could go on a rant on just what he would have done to Maurice if given the chance. “It’s fine, nothing happened. I’m just tired, that’s all.”
Phil didn’t seem to believe him, but quickly gave up and changed the subject. “Do you want to watch a movie tonight? We haven’t done that in a week.”
Dan wanted so badly to say yes and be able to spend some quality time with Phil to forget everything about Maurice. Unfortunately, he couldn’t.
“I can’t. One of my stupid stepbrothers is throwing a party in the garden today, and my mum wants me to supervise while she and Clive are gone. Something about making sure things don’t get too wild,” he said, rolling his eyes.
Phil looked disappointed, but he nodded. “That’s fine, I understand. If your brother is involved in the planning of the party, then things are bound to get pretty crazy. I’ll leave you to it and wait for you here.”
Dan was hoping Phil would offer to keep him company during the party. No one he knew was going to be there except for his stepbrothers, and watching on while a bunch of teenagers were dancing horribly, drinking bottles after bottles of alcohol wasn’t exactly his idea of fun.
However, he understood why Phil wouldn’t really want to hang around. It didn’t really seem like it would be his kind of scene either. Not to mention the fact that Dan would be the only one capable of seeing him so he would be his only form of entertainment.
“I’ll try to sneak up here at some point, if things don’t get too crazy.”
Dan was positive he wouldn’t have any problems doing so. After all, what was the worst that could happen?
*
Things ended up going very badly.
It started like any other party did. People arrived and, after mingling, most of the guests moved on to the drinks table.
The music was a little too loud for Dan, but nothing worried him more than the party annoying neighbours and the impending noise complaints. Overall, it seemed like it was a fun night, and Dan was positive that if no one was being disruptive, he would able to sneak up to his room to hang out with Phil sooner than he thought.
Of course, that was when things started going wrong.
Dan was just about to head up to his room when he heard shouting coming from behind him. Since his mum made it pretty clear that he was responsible during the party, it was up to him to figure out what was going on and put a stop to it.
Dan groaned when he realised that the shouting was coming from two guys who seemed ready to attack each other. Dan deduced that they were both drunk and probably didn’t know what they were doing.
Dan asked people around him quickly, asking why the two drunk guys were almost throwing punches at each other. He was told that the two guys were fighting about a girl, and that only made Dan want to groan louder. Why couldn’t they just resolve their situation in a friendly way instead of ruining his plans to hang out with Phil?
He considered letting the two guys ‘discuss’ it between them, but knew he would have to interfere when one of them threw the first punch. His mum would kill him if she found out he let a fight break out in their garden.
Dan wasn’t a fighter and always preferred to hide in the shadows, especially when it meant avoiding fights, but today was not his lucky day.
“Guys, stop this. Someone is going to get hurt.”
They both seemed very uninterested in what Dan was saying, and so he found himself with no other choice than getting in between them in the hopes that he could speak some sense to them. He should have known it wasn’t a brilliant idea to do so.
His reflex hadn’t kicked in when a punch landed between his cheek and the bridge of his nose. Dan fell onto the ground, wincing from the impact of the punch.
Dan could feel blood oozing from his nose, and he was almost sure it was broken. The two guys who were fighting in the first place where nowhere to be seen and the rest of the guests were quick to leave when they found Dan on the ground, hurt. No one offered to help, but Dan could hear murmurs around him. He was on his own.
He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this embarrassed. So much for trying to end a dispute. Dan quickly pulled himself up before more guests could see him, and ran to his bedroom only to come face to face with Phil.
Shit. He forgot that Phil was waiting for him in his room to watch a movie in case he managed to sneak away from the party.
Phil looked shocked. He wasn’t expecting for Dan to be done with the party so soon, and definitely not with blood gushing out of his nose.
“What happened?” He asked, quickly snapping out of his stupor, reaching for a wet towel from the bathroom. Phil pulled Dan to sit, and held his head up then pressed the wet towel to his nose as gently as possible. “Do you think it’s broken?”
Dan really didn’t want to recount the story of how he tried stopping a fist fight between two guys, then ended up being the one getting punched, so he tried keeping it as vague as possible. He wanted some of his dignity to remain intact.
“There was a bit of a fight but nothing big. I don’t think it’s broken, but I’m no doctor.”
Phil realised Dan was feeling embarrassed about it, so he didn’t push him further for explanations. He just held the towel to Dan’s nose in silence until the bleeding subsided, then popped away for a minute to get Dan a bag of frozen peas. “I don’t know if these will be much help, but I’ve seen they do it in movies, so I thought you could give it a try.”
Dan couldn’t help but to smile at what Phil said, but winced painfully since smiling apparently didn’t help his aching, probably broken, nose. Dan took the bag of frozen peas and held it up to his nose. The coolness of the bag helped slightly in numbing the pain. Dan nodded at the ghost gratefully. “Thanks, this helps a lot.”
Phil selected the movie they would be watching that night, so that Dan wouldn’t feel uncomfortable with Phil worrying over Dan’s condition. They spent the next two hours enjoying the movie and each other’s company.
By the time the movie was over, Dan was half asleep and his head was resting on Phil’s shoulder. If he wasn’t so tired, he would think about moving away, giving the ghost his space since they were practically cuddling, but he didn’t. Instead, Dan just edged closer with the excuse of feeling cold.
“Thanks for taking care of me.
Phil just shrugged it off with a smile. “Don’t worry about it. It actually wasn’t so bad. I’m just glad your nose wasn’t broken, although it’s probably going to bruise for the next couple of days or weeks.”
Dan wasn’t too upset about it. This was much better than having to go to A&E for a broken nose, then having to explain to his mum how he broke it when he was supposed to be the one in charge while she was gone. It was better for everyone this way.
“Still,” he said, lifting his head slightly to look at Phil. “I appreciate it, so thank you.”
Dan didn’t know who leaned in first. It could have been him, but it could also be Phil. All he knew was that they were kissing, and Dan was enjoying it. He was enjoying it a lot.
Or at least he was before he felt Phil pushing him away, and he found himself sprawled on his back on the bed, almost falling off, looking at Phil in confusion. “What’s wrong?”
Phil was looking more panicked by the second. “I shouldn’t have done that, I’m so sorry.”
That only left Dan more confused. What was Phil sorry about? Wasn’t it obvious that Dan wanted that to happen, and was willing to kiss Phil back? “There’s no need to apologise. I wanted that.”
Unfortunately, his confession did nothing to calm the ghost down. “Don’t you get it?” Phil finally snapped, looking at Dan as if he was the one freaking out. “I’m dead and you’re very much alive. Nothing can come out of this! I’ll end up ruining your life.”
Phil made a compelling argument. It wasn’t exactly something Dan would argue against, considering he was often thinking the same thing whenever he thought of the ghost. But having Phil saying it out loud somehow made it worse. Dan didn’t want to think that their relationship was a mistake.
“But in what way could you ruin my life? I know you’re dead, and I’m one of the few people who can see you, but we can figure something out. Don’t you want to at least give it a try?”
For a second Phil looked tempted, and Dan was sure that he managed to somehow convinced Phil, but it didn’t last long.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t do that to you.”
Phil was gone within the blink of an eye, leaving Dan to stare at the empty space Phil had left behind.
*
Dan didn’t have a clue of where Phil was, but he definitely wasn’t in his room. He didn’t catch a single glimpse of him since they shared their kiss which meant the ghost was hiding from him.
It’s not that Dan was expecting anything, considering the ghost was completely freaking out the last time he saw Dan, but it still hurt. Dan thought they had finally gotten somewhere when they kissed. Instead, it went downhill.
One step forward, two steps back.
Things would have been easier if Dan had any idea where Phil was hiding. He could corner him and convince him to talk before the ghost could disappear once again.
Unfortunately, Phil managed to keep his distance from Dan. Phil didn’t even seem to care what was happening between them, and Dan could feel himself going crazy. Dan just wanted to talk. Was it too much to ask?
This kept going for a while until Dan decided that it was time for some drastic measures.
He got up one morning and left for school as usual. He attended the first two lessons and then, when he was absolutely sure both his mother and Clive would have left the house, he made his way back home. Dan thought it would be the perfect way to corner Phil since the ghost would not be expecting him back home so soon.
His plan ended up failing since he couldn’t find Phil anywhere in the house. Dan could have just given up. Phil couldn’t hide from him forever, and eventually, they would get the chance to talk. But Dan didn’t want to wait. It was something they needed to talk about.
I did say that drastic times call for drastic measures, he thought.
“I’m sick and tired of this Phil,” Dan yelled, trying not to feel foolish over shouting into the wind. He impatiently waited for a reply. No reply from Phil.
Dan knew that the ghost was listening to his every word. He just needed to figure out what would make Phil snap and come out from hiding.
“I’m serious, Phil! You know… you’re not the only one who kissed me lately,” Dan said challengingly, though a part of him regretted it for taking it too far.
“Maurice gave it a try last week. I stopped him, told him I wasn’t interested. I might just go back right now; finish whatever we left off. Not that you would care, right, considering that you’re still ignoring me.”
Dan smirked when he heard a dull thud that came from behind, but quickly recovered. “Interesting that the thought of me making out with Maurice made you change your mind.”
“He kissed you?” Phil asked, bewildered, completely disregarding what Dan had said.
Dan needed to be really careful about what he had to say next. Phil didn’t need to know about what Maurice told him about Dan’s other abilities, and definitely not the fact that Maurice had threatened Dan.
“He did, when we met last week. I didn’t let him kiss me. I did what you did: I pushed him away,” he said. Dan knew he was being petty, but he couldn’t help it. He, too, kissed Phil, and was pushed away.
Phil looked distraught, but he quickly turned away to leave Dan once again.
Dan quickly grabbed a hold of Phil’s arm before he could disappear again. “Stop that! You’re behaving like a child. I’m not going to jump you and force you to kiss me. I just want to talk.”
“I like you Dan, I really do. But if you want something more out of our relationship, that’s too much to ask; it’ll never work. I’m dead and you’re alive. I can’t take you out on dates, I can’t meet your parents. You’re the only one who can see me. A relationship where we would be happy and alive would make no sense!”
Dan knew that already, but he didn’t care. He liked Phil more than he had ever liked anyone before. Dan realised that he was acting selfish, but all he wanted was a chance to be with the one he loved.
“I know our situation isn’t normal. Hell, it’s so unusual that it’s laughable; madness. But do you really not want to give us a chance?”
For a moment, Dan was certain that Phil was actually thinking about it. Dan wanted to give him more of a reason to say yes. “If you’re so worried about not being able to take me out on dates, I have just the solution. I know a place, it’s near the lake. It’s well-hidden; no one knows about it. We can go there as often as you like. Maybe for a picnic and… other things.”
Dan’s words seemed to be the push Phil needed to finally take the leap. He inched closer, and pulled Dan in for a kiss he had been dreaming about ever since their first kiss. Dan broke the kiss, but positioned his forehead against Phil’s. “Took you long enough,” he mumbled.
Phil rolled his eyes, and kissed Dan again.
“So, that lake you mentioned,” Phil said, as he pulled away from the kiss, “want to go there some time?”
*
As much as Dan hated Maurice, he wanted information. But their meeting was over promptly, and Maurice didn’t give him any information. Dan lost count of how many times he avoided the the stranger’s advances.
Maurice couldn’t care less even after Dan told him he was seeing someone. Dan observed Maurice and deduced that the guy seemed like the kind of person who wasn’t used to being told no, and so he behaved as if he was oblivious to the fact that Dan wasn’t interested in him. If it wasn’t for Phil, he would have left Maurice ages ago.
He jumped when he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket, but quickly smiled when he realised what it meant. Their meeting was coming to an end, and he could finally leave and go on a date Phil promised him in the morning.
Dan got up to leave, but was blocked at the door by a smirking Maurice. “Are you sure I can’t interest you in staying for a little longer? I’ve got a bottle of wine that we can share.”
Dan refrained himself from rolling his eyes. Instead, he politely shook his head. “Thanks, but I actually have a date that I need to get to. Maybe next time,” he said, even though in his head he was already thinking of how he was going to avoid another proposition from Maurice for the following next week.
Maurice was obviously not happy about it, but at least he let Dan leave without anymore complications.
Dan quickly made his way to the lake, and was glad to find Phil waiting for him at the entrance of the park. “I spent an hour with Maurice. I had to ward off his advancements, so I hope you brought food. I’m starving.”
Dan knew that mentioning Maurice’s name never failed to make Phil jealous, even though the ghost was aware that Dan was not interested in the guy. A little jealousy never hurt anyone, and that’s why Dan liked to bring him up occasionally.
Phil pulled him in for an intense kiss, and Dan smirked. Bingo.
Since Dan was the one who knew where the hidden area was, he was in charge of leading the way.
The view did not disappoint Phil. The area wasn’t spacious, so they didn’t have much space to move around, but they had a perfect view of the lake, shining under the sunlight.
Phil took care of spreading out an old blanket for them to sit on, then took out various foods from his bag. “You better appreciate the effort I went through to get all of this prepared without anyone catching me. Explaining to your mum or step-father why sandwiches were floating in the air in the kitchen wouldn’t be fun.”
Dan couldn’t help but burst out laughing at the thought of that. Sometimes, it was easy to forget that as he was the only one who could see Phil. What Dan deemed as normal would freak other people out as they can’t see ghosts, like his mum once did.
Dan took a bite of the sandwich and smiled. “Well, you’ll be happy to know that your efforts were very much appreciated. This tastes great; just what I needed after a long day.”
Phil tried to look as if he didn’t really care whether Dan liked the sandwiches or not, but Dan could tell from the blush on Phil's face, that he appreciated the compliment.
Spending time together like this made them forgot that that they were not like the usual couples. Like this, enjoying each other’s company, and soaking up the sun, it was easy to forget that outside of their little world, things were not as straightforward.
Dan sometimes couldn’t help but think of what his mum would say if she were to meet Phil. She would probably say that Phil was a good influence on him and she would probably be happy that Dan had finally found someone he loved and cared about, after the mess that was Ollie.
He always tried to quickly shake himself out of such thoughts. Thinking about things that could never happen would lead them to nowhere. He wanted to enjoy the times he got to hang out with Phil like this with no interruption.
Dan saw Phil sneakily move his hand in order to take the last sandwich, and quickly snatched it from under his nose, laughing at the affronted look the ghost aimed at him. “Better luck next time,” he said, taking a bite of the sandwich.
He should have known that Phil would not let him get away with it, and that was how they spent the rest of the day chasing each other around the little clearing and kissing softly on the blanket whenever they got tired of running.
*
Things were going great for Dan for the first time of his life, but he couldn’t help but to make the mistake of thinking it was going to remain that way.
Maurice quickly ruined his good mood and optimism during their next meeting.
“You know,” Maurice began as soon as Dan walked in, not even offering his guest a simple ‘Hello’. “When you told me you couldn’t go out with me because you were seeing someone, it never even crossed my mind that you would lower your standards so that you could date a ghost.”
Dan felt his blood run cold. Maurice was never supposed to know that he was dating Phil. That was supposed to be their own little secret. Even though Phil never failed to let him know just how much he didn’t like Maurice, Dan knew the ghost wouldn’t be stupid enough to go and confront Maurice without telling Dan.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said, acting as undoubtedly clueless as he could. For all he knew, Maurice was just guessing, and it just so happened to be right. Dan needed to be careful not to validate Maurice’s assumptions, and Dan’s secret with Phil would be fine. At least that was what he thought at first.
“I couldn’t help but feel curious when you told me you were actually dating someone. I wanted to know who this person was, but I knew you would never tell me, so I followed you,” he admitted, a smirk stuck firmly on his face.
“Imagine my shock when I saw you kissing that ghost you’re always so adamant on protecting. Everything makes a lot more sense now.”
Dan was at a complete loss of what to do. Maurice had seen them, and that made it difficult for him to somehow lie his way out of it. He remembered Maurice’s threatening words that convinced Dan to agree to weekly meetings with Maurice in order to protect Phil.
That was before Maurice was aware of Dan’s relationship with the ghost. Dan got the feeling that things were about the get a lot worse.
“I don’t think I’ve ever pursued anyone who has told me no before, and you’ve done it over and over again. You rejected me so that you could be with a ghost who’s been dead for years?” Maurice hissed, smirk dropping off to be replaced with a grimace. “He can’t give you what you want, but I can. Think about it, Dan. Are you going to spend the rest of your life with someone only you can see?”
Dan was terrified. This was the exact situation he wanted to avoid, and he didn’t know to what length Maurice would go to. That didn’t mean he was going to let anyone talk about Phil like that.
“Phil might be a ghost, but he’s ten times the man you are,” he snapped.
That was the wrong thing to say.
“You’re going to regret saying that. Have you forgotten that I can do things you haven’t learned yet? I can go back to the past and stop Phil from getting himself killed in that fire. There won’t be any ghost for you to kiss, then. Or there will be, but he’ll have no idea who you are.”
Phil was right, Dan admitted. He shouldn’t have ignored the risks and he shouldn’t have agreed to the weekly ‘lessons’ in the first place, knowing that Maurice was interested in other things. What was he supposed to do now?
Maurice wasn’t lying about what he would do. Their ‘lessons’ consisted more of Dan ignoring Maurice’s flirts than learning anything, but it goes without saying that Maurice was still more knowledgeable than Dan was.
If Maurice really could go to the past and keep Phil from getting murdered, then Dan had no way of stopping him. Dan didn’t have a clue on how people like them could go to the past. And even if he did, what was he supposed to do? Tie Maurice up until he gave up and taking them back to present time?
Dan didn’t have much time to think things through. He could see Maurice’s skin losing colour, almost as if he was turning into a ghost himself, and it was then it dawned on him that he didn’t know anything.
“It wasn’t hard to figure out when and how your little boyfriend died. I’ll admit that I haven’t got a clue of who killed him, but that’s not going to matter when I get to be the one saving him from death. You should be thanking me, because I’m about to give him a second chance at living. If you really liked him, you would be helping me, not stopping me.”
That made Dan pause. As much as he hated Maurice, he couldn’t deny that he had a point. Wasn’t he the one who was desperate to learn about who killed Phil in order to help him get to the afterlife? He should be all for the idea of giving Phil another chance. No one deserved it more than him.
But Dan wasn’t ready to say goodbye. Judging by the fact that Maurice looked so transparent that Dan could barely even see him anymore, whatever Maurice was doing was working. Dan wasn’t even going to get a chance to see Phil for the last time.
He couldn’t let that happen. Before he think about it too much, he jumped forward and grabbed onto Maurice’s hand.
Everything turned into a blur.
*
When Dan regained consciousness, he was greeted by the sight of Maurice glaring at him. “What the Hell is wrong with you? I could have killed you!”
Dan tried not to think too much about what could have happened to him if things went awry, instead, focused on the situation he found himself in.
It seemed Dan had somehow traveled to the past with Maurice when he grabbed onto him. It meant that he still had a chance of saving Phil. All he needed to do was keep Maurice from stopping Phil’s murderer.
But it made Dan pause. He could stop the murderer and save Phil. It meant Phil wouldn’t have to spend years stuck in a limbo. It meant he wouldn’t have go through the pain of being burnt alive.
The only downside to this was the fact that Dan would never see Phil again. He would lose the only relationship he ever had in his life. The only true friend. But was that more important than Phil getting to live his life?
Dan was being selfish, he knew that. Maurice was about to give Phil something which Dan hadn’t been able to give himself, and instead of being happy for him and trying to help out in every way he could, he was planning on putting a stop to it.
If Dan really loved Phil like he thought he did, then he knew what he had to do - he needed to do everything he could to keep Phil alive. Phil would get another chance at life and, hopefully, when he did eventually die, he would not be stuck in a limbo, unable to move on to the afterlife. It was the least he could do for someone who had made such an impact on his life.
Maurice seemed on edge. He probably thought that Dan was still intending on trying to stop him. Little did he know that Dan had decided on doing the very opposite of that, even though it was killing him on the inside.
“No need to keep staring at me like that. I’m not going to stop you. I’m going to help you.”
The bewildered look on Maurice’s face helped making Dan feel a little better. At least until Maurice managed to shake off his shock and gave him his signature smirk - the smirk that never failed to make Dan’s skin crawl.
“I knew you would get it eventually. Honestly, it took a little longer than I had hoped for, but at least you get it now. Don’t see this as me trying to ruin your life. Think of it as me helping your little ghost friend out.”
Dan took a deep breath. He needed to stay on Maurice's good side for all the help he can get. Punching him in the face like he desperately wanted to do would probably be counterproductive. It was hard not to try and wipe that stupid smirk off of his face, though.
“Don’t get cocky. I’m going to help you because I love Phil, and he deserves a second chance. I still can’t stand you and, once we get back, you can forget about our weekly sessions.”
Maurice ignored him and started walking towards a house that shared some similarities with the one Dan currently lived in. Whoever rebuilt the house after the fire decided to keep some of its original characteristics. But somehow, it reminded him of his room, where Phil would be waiting for him. Dan’s heart ached.
Dan quickly followed Maurice and grabbed his arm to stop him. “What exactly is the plan? We can’t just break into the house and drag Phil out. Not to mention that we still have no idea who murdered him in the first place.”
Maurice didn’t seem worried at all. In fact, Dan would actually dare say that Maurice knew more about Phil’s murderer than he was letting on.
“Did you think I was going to travel all the way to the past without having a clear idea of what I was working with and what would need to be done?” Maurice snapped, then rolled his eyes. “Have faith in me, Dan. I happen to know that your little friend’s parents had the tendency to leave the backdoor unlocked in the afternoon, because Phil was always around. We just need to get in and find Phil.”
Dan could only stare at him. “How the Hell do you know all that? Phil couldn’t have been the one to tell you, he would have told me first. Not to mention he happens to hate your guts.”
“I didn’t need your ghost’s help to figure everything out,” Maurice said, exasperated. “You shouldn’t forget that you’re not the only one who can see dead people, Dan. I can see them too, and I’m more experienced than you. I saw the ghost of Phil’s father lurking near your house. Did you know your boyfriend had a really turbulent relationship with his dad? Or should I say stepdad?”
Dan could feel a ball of dread dropping in his stomach when he heard of Phil’s father because he got the feeling that he knew where this was going. “What does his dad have to do with anything?”
“Do you even need to ask me that, Dan?” Maurice asked, beamused. “Phil’s stepdad was the one who murdered him. They never got on well, and Paul felt like Phil was always trying his best to turn his mother against him. One day, they got into an argument, and Paul had enough. He waited until Phil was sleeping then set the whole house on fire. I found it quite ironic how he did everything out of fear of losing his wife but risked her life as well in order to get rid of Phil.”
Dan was left speechless. He had no doubts that even if he had spent months looking for information about what happened on the night Phil was murdered, he would have never figured out the truth. He would have never realised that the person behind the whole thing was Phil’s own stepdad. It certainly didn’t help that Phil had never confided in him regarding his relationship with his family members.
Phil lost his life because a person he considered family hated him enough to murder him. He was left to burn alive in his own bedroom because his stepdad considered him to be a danger to his relationship with his wife.
“So how exactly are you planning on saving him?” Dan managed to mumble once he got his emotions under control.
“Simple. You get Phil out of his room and out of the house. I’ll stop his stepdad from burning the whole house to the ground.”
“You do realise that there is nothing remotely simple about your plan right?” Dan said, if he should be taking Maurice seriously. “How do you expect me to convince Phil to listen to what I say and get out of the house? In case you’ve forgotten, ‘alive Phil’ doesn’t know me. I think the chances of him trusting an intruder are very slim.”
All Maurice did was roll his eyes. “Introduce yourself! Do whatever you did to get the ghost interested in you and use it on this Phil. Charm him. Flirt a little.”
Dan could already tell that this whole mission was going to end up disastrously. If Phil’s chances of not dying that night rested on him having to trust a complete stranger who intruded his home, and flirting him, then Phil was as good as dead.
However, Dan was aware that they didn’t have much time. It wouldn’t be long now until Phil’s dad sneaked out, and they needed to get to work before it was too late.
“Just to be clear, I still think your plan is shit, but there’s not enough time to come up with something else. I’ll try my best to get Phil out of the house, but it’s going to be hard, so you need to keep his dad from setting fire to the house,” he said, already making his way around the house in order to get to the back door.
Just as Maurice said, the back door was unlocked, and Dan didn’t have any trouble making his way inside. His mind flooded with Phil’s recount of the night he died, and he quickly figured where Phil’s room was located, and didn’t waste anymore time.
Dan tried to move as quietly and quickly as possible. He couldn’t afford someone hearing or seeing him. It would raise a lot of questions that he would not be able to answer, not to mention ruin their whole plan.
He couldn’t help but hesitate once he finally got to Phil’s room - the same room he had been sleeping in for the past few months. The same room where he met Phil for the first time, and where they eventually started getting to know each other. The room where Dan fell in love with Phil.
Dan was determined to save Phil, and it would be as if everything they had shared together, never actually happened. Dan was terrified that the second he saw Phil - his Phil - alive and well, he wouldn’t be able to go through the ordeal. He wouldn’t be able to stop his murder from happening, not knowing that, in doing so, he would never be able to see him again.
Taking a deep breath, Dan reached his hand out and opened the door. It revealed a dark room, and Dan saw a figure - Phil - on the bed, sleeping soundly. How was he going to get Phil out of his room to somewhere safer?
Knowing that there was no time for him to waste, Dan shuffled closer to the bed, then hesitantly tapped Phil on the back in an attempt to wake him up. When that didn’t work, he tapped the latter’s shoulder with vigour. Phil tousled in his bed. Dan was pleased to see Phil slowly waking up.
At least, until Phil bolted up when he saw an unfamiliar figure looming over his bed, startled, and before Phil had the chance to scream, Dan quickly covered the latter’s mouth preventing Phil from waking up his mother and stepfather.
“Please don’t shout! I’m not going to hurt you,” Dan said hastily. He hushed Phil who was retaliating under his grip, and Dan listened attentively for footfalls. His first mission was cleared. Now, time to convince Phil to trust him. “Look, I know you have no idea who I am, but I’m here to help you. I’ll remove my hands if you promise not to scream. I just want to explain myself. Do you promise?”
Phil frantically nodded.
Dan hesitantly removed his hands from Phil’s mouth. He was relieved when Phil kept his word. “I know this sounds insane, but I’m here to… I’m here to save your life. Hear me out! Someone is going to murder you in a few minutes and you don’t deserve that. That’s why you need to listen to me, and you need to get out of the house right now, for your own safety,” Dan said quickly. He was under immense pressure, and their time was running out, and Phil’s refusal to cooperate is something he didn’t want to deal with at the moment.
But to Dan’s surprise, Phil simply jumped out of his bed and did what Dan said, no questions asked. But this Phil wasn’t Dan’s Phil even though, deep down, he knows that his Phil was in this Phil.
The air was unusually still, and Dan was nervous. He saw Phil’s face; scowling. Dan didn’t expect for Phil to burst out laughing after Dan intruded his house, his room, and his sleep.
Once he calmed down, Phil turned to face Dan, looking angry, nonetheless. “Look,” Phil began to speak for the first time. “I have no idea who you are, or what you drank before you barged in here but clearly, you’re a bit out of it. I’m not as cruel as other people who live in this house, so if you walk out right now, I won’t call the police.”
Dan had known that Maurice’s plan was stupid and it had no chance of working, but he was still a little disappointed. A part of him had been hopeful that maybe this Phil he was facing would feel whatever connection they shared back in the future, but it was clear now this was just Dan’s wishful thinking.
“I’m so sorry,” Dan said, leaving Phil looking confused. “I know you don’t believe me right now, but I’m doing this for your own safety. If you don’t get out of the house, you’ll die.”
Dan grabbed Phil’s wrist. Phil was still disoriented, and Dan started dragging him out of the room, but Phil was not making it easy. He quickly fought back. He knew they were not going to make it outside if they continued like this.
“Please just listen to me, we have to go outside…”
“Let go of me! You’re out of your mind for breaking into my house, expecting me to believe some crazy story about someone trying to kill me,” Phil said, pulling his wrist and kicking his feet to try and break Dan’s hold on him.
“It’s not just anyone, it’s your stepdad. You had an argument today, didn’t you? He’s still pissed at you and thinks you’re trying to break him and your mum up and he’s going to get rid of you!” Dan hissed desperately.
It didn’t matter what he said. Phil was not interested in listening to anything Dan had to say, and Dan couldn’t blame him. If their roles had been reversed, Dan surely wouldn’t believe a stranger that broke into his home and started spouting out crazy stories about a crazy stepdad wanting to kill him too. Who was he kidding? Dan definitely wouldn’t believe it.
He was just about to let Phil go and start thinking of an alternative plan when he heard it. There were voices coming from outside. “No, no, no, it’s too early…” Dan muttered to himself, quickly getting up and moving to the window. The sight of fire was unmistakable.
“Dan!”
He whirled around at the sound of his name, to be greeted with the sight of a panicked looking Maurice running into Phil’s room.
“What the Hell is going on here?” Phil snapped, looking between them like the apocalypse was coming. “Look, I don’t know what the Hell you two think you’re doing but it’s not funny and you need to get the Hell out right now before I call to the police.”
Maurice ignored Phil. “We need to get out of here right now. I couldn’t stop his stepdad. I tried to reason with him, and then used force when he wouldn’t listen to me, but he hit me. Let’s go,” he said, taking a hold of Dan’s hand and starting to pull him out.
Dan shook Maurice’s grip off him and moved back. He quickly walked over to Phil, who at this point was starting to realise that what Dan had been telling him might not have been so crazy.
“Listen, I know this is all probably really overwhelming but we need to leave or we’re going to end up burning alive.”
“I-I can’t..”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Maurice snarled before pulling on Dan’s hand again. “His stepdad surrounded the whole house with fuel. This place is going to burn down before you know it. Let’s get the Hell out of here.”
But Dan couldn’t leave. He couldn’t leave Phil to die, not after he travelled so far into the past to stop everything from happening. Maurice was right, if they left now the ghost version of Phil - his Phil - would still be there to welcome him home, but it wasn’t worth it.
The Phil welcoming him back in his time would just be a shell of the man he was seeing in front of him right now. He was a version who could be seen only by Dan and others who shared his gift. The man he had slowly fallen in love with deserved so much more than that.
But Dan wouldn’t be able to live knowing that he saved his own ass and left Phil… the real Phil… to burn alive.
“I can’t… Maurice, we can’t just leave after all of this. He’s going to die in here. I love him, I can’t leave.”
Maurice looked at him like Dan had lost his mind.
“What difference will it make? Instead of him just dying, you’ll be dying with him. Is that what you want? Sacrificing your life so you can die together like Romeo and Juliet?” Maurice sneered in a mocking tone. “Suit yourself, but I’m not hanging around to watch it. I’m out of here.”
Dan could see Maurice start to fade out, and all he could do was stare at him with wide eyes. He never liked Maurice, but he had never thought that he would abandon him like that.
“What the Hell is wrong with you people?”
Turning around, Dan saw Phil staring at Maurice with complete bewilderment. “I have no idea what the Hell you’re talking about… both of you, but I’m not stupid. I understand if you don’t want to save me because you don’t know me, but you obviously know each other. You can’t just leave him here,” he said, pointing at Dan.
Dan heard a creaking noise coming from underneath them. They didn’t have a lot of time. A look at Phil let him know that the other was aware of it too.
“If he wants to risk his life to stick with you, then he’s more than welcome to do that.”
Another creak, another warning that they were surviving on borrowed time. The floor was not going to hold them up forever. The house was burning down and it wouldn’t be long until it gave out underneath them.
Maurice was almost gone at this point, and Dan felt helpless. Dan and Phil were doomed.
Everything was a blur to Dan after that. He saw Phil running towards him and covering his body with his own. Phil pushed him towards Maurice and all he could do was grab on to the vanishing boy. The floor underneath them gave way straight after, but before his mind started working, Dan’s body spinned and saw Phil’s face looking sad and horrified at the same time, and then all Dan saw was complete darkness.
*
The first thing he saw when he came into consciousness was white. Looking around he realised that he was staring at the white walls of the hospital. “W-What am I doing here?” Dan thought to himself.
A hand squeezing his own brought his attention away from the hospital walls to the figure sitting beside his bed. What he saw made Dan’s breath caught in his throat.
Phil. His Phil. Not the one in the past who had no idea who Dan was. This was the ghost, but Dan couldn’t help but to think that he preferred him like this or maybe he was just biased because the ghost was looking at him with adoration.
“What happened?” Dan croaked, at which point he allowed Phil to help him sit up and drink half a glass of water.
“You were stupid, that’s what happened,” Phil said, but his harsh words were softened by the fond tone he uttered them in. “Next time, when you decide to travel back in time to save someone’s life, how about you let me know so that I’d at least know what to expect?”
Dan couldn’t quite understand how Phil knew about what had happened. Had Maurice woken up before him and admitted to everything?
Phil must have caught the confused look on Dan’s face because he sighed. “I know your sessions with Maurice usually last an hour, so when you didn’t come back home after two hours, I started getting worried. I dropped by at Maurice’s and found both of you passed out on the floor. But I saw another body there with yours.”
Dan froze. There was no way they could have brought past Phil here with them when they travelled back to their present time. But who else would the third body belong to if not past Phil? A nod from Phil confirmed his suspicions.
“Is… is he okay?” He asked, unsure of what he was supposed to say in a situation like this.
Phil sighed and shrugged. “I’m not sure. I’m in a coma. Well… not exactly me. My past self. No one knows for sure what’s wrong with me, but I think I have an idea. My past self can’t live in this time; not when I’m inhabiting this time as a ghost. You know what I mean?”
This was all so strange and so new that Dan wasn’t sure what was real and what wasn’t anymore. He still understood what Phil was trying to tell him, regardless of his circumstances. Phil from the past couldn’t live in this time with ghost Phil still around. He was dying.
Dan should have never messed with time.
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly.
Phil gave him a weak smile and squeezed his hand again. It seemed as if they were both left without words after what happened.
“What’s going to happen to you?”
Phil sighed and that’s when Dan knew that it wasn’t going to be good news. “I can’t be sure but I don’t think I have much time left here. My body is slowly dying, and you helped me figure out who murdered me all those years ago, so it won’t be long now until I get to go to the afterlife.”
Now more than ever, Dan wished he had somehow stopped Maurice from going back in time. He knew it now: messing with time caused consequences, and those consequences hurt more than one could imagine.
He tried to save Phil from the fire because he knew he deserved another chance, but when they didn’t manage to do it, he really thought he would be able to go back to his Phil and enjoy their time together. He failed to realise that finally knowing who murdered him would mean Phil would finally be able to move on to the afterlife without anything holding him back.
Phil must have realised how devastated Dan felt. Phil felt responsible to change the subject. “Can you walk?” When Dan slowly nodded, Phil continued, “Come on, I want to get a look at myself again. It’s so strange seeing myself alive again, even if in a coma. I’d gotten used to looking pale and no one being able to see me.”
Dan let out a watery laugh and allowed Phil to lead him to the Intensive Care Unit.
His breath caught in his throat when he saw Phil’s body lying on the bed. It was surreal seeing Phil’s his chest moving up and down slowly with every breath he took, despite having to have a ventilator to help him breathe. Even unconscious, he looked breathtakingly beautiful and it pained Dan to know he was dying. He didn’t even get the chance to hug him and feel his warmth rather than the chill he always felt when hugging Phil’s spirit. The sound of the ECG machine beeping loudly but steadily made Dan’s heart clench. At least Phil was still alive.
Dan was about to say that Phil looked beautiful when he noticed Phil slowly fading away, almost like Maurice did when he travelled back in time.
Phil let out a shaky breath then gave Dan a sad smile. “I guess it’s time for me to go,” he whispered, voice cracking with emotion.
Dan desperately wanted to be strong because he knew that, at the end of the day, this was something good, even if it hurt him. Phil had waited years aimlessly for the chance to move on to the afterlife; he deserved to finally get the chance to move on.
It still didn’t stop Dan from tearing up. “I’m going to miss you,” he said in a shaky voice, trying to get his emotions under control.
“Me too,” Phil said, taking a hold of his hand and squeezing it. “Thank you… thank you for trusting me, for being my friend, for doing your best to help me out.”
Phil leaned in to kiss Dan for one last time and, in doing so, his hand brushed the leg of his unconscious body. They stopped, and the next thing Dan realised, he saw Phil’s body covered in white light and Phil was gone in a blink. Dan was finally alone in the ward with nothing but Phil’s lifeless body on the bed.
He dropped into a chair and rested his head against the bed sheets. With Phil gone, there was no need for him to be strong anymore, and soon found himself crying. “I love you,” he mumbled, taking Phil’s cold hand into his. The sound of the ECG machine made Dan become aware of Phil’s current state. He wasn’t dead.
That was when Dan felt his hand being gripped tightly, and his head snapped to look up. Phil’s arm moved. Dan saw Phil’s pale knuckle gripping Dan’s own. Dan stood, alarmed. He saw Phil frown, but slowly trying to open his eyes, trying his best to adjust to the harsh white light in the room.
“Phil?” he asked, alarmed.
“W-where am I?” Phil’s raspy voice said inaudibly, but Dan gets closer to him to hear Phil repeat his question once again. “Where am I?”
“In the hospital. I-I’m gonna get the nurse. W-wait, I’ll be back in a second,” Dan panicked, rushing out to find a nurse.
*
“Dan!” His mum called from downstairs. This was the third time she was calling him but there was still no sign of Dan coming down the stairs. Dan was taking his time. Going to the Winter Dance with his boyfriend will only happen once in a lifetime, and Dan wanted to look as perfect as possible. He wanted to live the moment and… maybe he wanted to make a big entrance too.
Dan reached for his phone to check for messages, but realised that he had made everyone waited for him for five minutes. Standing in front of the mirror, he was satisfied with how smart he looked. He smiled at his reflection in the mirror, and promised himself a great time at the dance. Quickly, he grabbed his phone and keys then started to make his way downstairs.
As he was making his way down, he caught sight of his oldest stepbrother hurriedly making his way upstairs with an armful of books. “Am I about to start seeing pigs flying? Because if you are actually studying, then anything can happen.”
All he got in return was a glare, but his stepbrother did stop before entering his room. “Hey, Dan,” he called out. “You look good.” Before Dan could say thank you, he had already closed his door behind him.
That was the only positive interaction they had so far.
Dan looked down onto his feet to watch where he was stepping before he rolled down the stairs, but when he looked up, he smiled at the sight that greeted him.
Clive was asking everyone who happened to be in his way to taste some new dish he was preparing for dinner. His mum was playing around with the camera in her hands, trying to figure out how it worked.
And then there was Phil. Dan couldn’t get over how Phil looked absolutely breathtaking in his black tux and bowtie. He couldn’t wait for the Winter Dance to end so he could have fun taking off Phil’s tux when they were spending the night at his boyfriend’s new apartment.
Dan stopped short at the sight of Phil, and he had to bite his lip to keep himself from showing everyone just how much it was affecting him.
It was a pretty typical family scene of the parents making a big deal out of their child’s first school dance and their date picking them up, but to Dan, it meant something more. Because his family could actually see his date.
He was dating someone real and not a ghost that only he could see. He was going to attend the school dance with his very real boyfriend, and he got to show him off to all his schoolmates, instead of going alone like he planned all those months ago.
Dan’s mum was the first one who saw Dan walking down the stairs. She gave him a big smile and gestured for him to come closer so she could fix his bowtie. “You look stunning, sweetheart,” she said and, to his horror, he felt himself blushing at the compliment.
He gazed at Phil who was still talking to Clive, and their eyes met. Dan caught Phil’s grin, and the next second, Phil’s attention was on Clive. Dan guessed Phil had to present himself as likable to Dan’s parents.
“So, I see you’ve met Phil,” Dan said as his mother fixed how bowtie.
Dan’s mum smiled tenderly. He missed his mum’s motherly smile. Dan had no doubts that after years of worrying over her son not having any friends, she was over the moon when Dan revealed he had a boyfriend, even though he was a few years older than him.
“I have,” his mum said. “It’s lovely to meet you, Phil,” she said, smiling at Phil. “Come over here Phil so I can take a photo of you two together.”
Dan groaned but moved closer, moving his arm around Phil’s back.
“I won’t hear any complaints from you, young man,” she said sternly, but smiled to indicate that she wasn’t serious. “I deserve to take many photos of you two after you hid the fact that you have a boyfriend.”
Dan’s mum took enough photos of them to fill up a whole album before she finally allowed them to leave and start heading for the dance. He waved goodbye, promising his mum to be back home safely after the dance, even though the both knew he probably wouldn’t be back before lunchtime the next day, and then made their way to Phil’s car.
Well… more like Maurice’s car. Maurice had felt guilty for almost leaving Dan to burn alive with Phil and he offered to lend Phil the car for the occasion when he came over to apologise to Dan.
A part of Dan wanted to say that lending his car was a small price to pay for almost leaving him to die, but then he remembered what Maurice had told him before he left. “You two are meant to be together. Phil protected you even when he had no idea who you were. I could have never done that. He really loves you.”
Dan thought maybe they could make peace.
Dan just hoped they weren’t stopped by the police on the way to the dance considering Phil had no licence, or birth certificate, or school reports so he could start attending college… nothing really. They were still working on it.
They were lucky that Maurice had once again helped out by getting Phil a job. At least Phil now could afford his own apartment.
Once they arrived at the school, Dan found himself having troubles controlling his giddy smile when he walked down the hall with Phil, holding hands. He could finally show off his dashing boyfriend.
Just as they were passing in front of the back doors, Dan caught sight of a man walking around aimlessly. The greyish tinge to his skin proved he was a ghost. He knew that the responsible thing to do was to help him, but tonight, Dan just wanted to be with Phil at the dance. He swore to himself that he would look for the man to talk the next day.
“Want to dance?” he asked Phil, before leading him to the dance floor.
“We should talk to that man tomorrow, see if we can do anything to help,” Phil said, slowly swaying to the beat.
Dan nodded in agreement before he realised what his boyfriend had just said. “Wait… you can see him? The man walking around near the back door?”
Phil nodded with a chuckle. “I can definitely see him. Why, is that a problem?”
Dan shook his head, dumbfounded. “No, but… that means you can see dead people too.”
“Apparently so.” Phil paused. “That means we can go on supernatural adventures together, helping them cross over to the afterlife. Maybe we can start a business or something,” he joked.
Dan rolled his eyes but couldn’t help but smile. Phil… his Phil, was no longer a ghost. Instead he was just like him. “I hate you.”
“I love you too.”
*
A/N: So there you have it! My fic for the Phandom Big Bang 2017. Like I’ve already said, I’ve been working on this for almost a year and it’s surreal to finally have it posted for everyone to read. With almost 23,000 words, it’s also the longest oneshot I’ve ever written. I hope you enjoyed it and, if you did, make sure to let me know! Like, reblog, send me asks! I reply and appreciate everything.
Now look forward to the 25 Days of Christmas 2017, starting on December 1st!
If the Crown Fits
AO3 LINK Summary: “We would be like Romeo and Juliet if we dated.” Phil said absentmindedly. Dan froze in shock. “How so?” He asked with a forced casual air. Phil shrugged, and turned the page, “Well forbidden love. Prince and servant aren’t exactly ideal.” He continued to read. Dan was conscious of his mouth hanging open.
Or
The Royalty AU nobody asked for in which Prince Daniel falls head over heels for his best friend and servant boy, Phil.
Author’s Notes: Ok so I started this fic about 5 months ago and WOOP it's been a ride! From my beta Rachel (@diamond0604) constantly telling me OL OL OL OL OL etc. etc. (that means one line) to endless run throughs I feel as though this fic is my baby. Actually never mind this fic is MY BABY and I feel as though I'm sending him away and it's breaking my heart but whatever!So this is for the Phandom Big Bang therefore I have an amazing artist! (@alienenthusiast) And I've already mentioned Rachel who is sitting beside me to stop me from crying because that is likely oh god. Therefore without further ado I present my baby... If the Crown Fits!
10
Dan giggled as they ran through the courtyard, shoes and socks abandoned.
He turned his head around to face his friend, “You can’t catch me!” he laughed as he swivelled around a tree, only to find himself face to face with Phil.
“Or I can,” Phil grinned mischievously.
He tapped Dan gently on the arm before racing off.
Dan watched and groaned as his friend ran away, black fringe flying in the air behind him. With one more deep breath Dan chased after his friend who was easily faster than him. Dan gained ground on Phil which was a miracle and his hands skimmed Phil’s arm before a stick got in his way. He felt his feet fly out from beneath him and he crashed into Phil head first.
They both toppled over with gasps of shock, their limbs were tangled together and Dan started to giggle.
“What?” Phil asked with a confused look and brushed his legs off as they stood up.
Dan shot him an evil smirk, “You’re it!” He laughed before he raced off, only just catching the eye roll Phil aimed at him.
~-~-~
Dan was awful at maths.
All the endless numbers and equations gave him a headache. He ran his fingers along the sum he was attempting to work out but none of it made sense. Phil scribbled away beside him. Dan tried to catch his attention, but he wasn’t paying attention to him.
He turned to the question again.
3 + 2 = ?
6 6 ?
Dan groaned and buried his head in his hands. Finally Phil seemed to acknowledge Dan’s struggle as he chuckled.
“You right?” Phil whispered and Dan shook his head into his hands.
Their teacher glared at them over her laptop but said nothing.
“Need help?” He offered, Dan nodded against the table. “Alright where are you up to?” Phil asked as he scooted his chair beside Dan. Dan pointed to the question and Phil stifled a giggle into his palm.
“Hey!” Dan grumbled.
Phil shrugged, “That’s kinda pathetic Mr Dumb Bear.”
“It’s rude to insult a prince.” Dan attempted to find a way to defend himself but failed miserably.
Phil rolled his eyes, “Really? That’s the best you can do?” He smirked.
Whenever Phil smirked it looked like a smile but by now Dan knew the difference between a true smile and a smirk. They had grown up in the castle together after all.
“Help me please.” Dan begged, his lip stuck out in a pout.
Phil laughed at his false begging face but obliged anyway. Technically he probably wasn’t allowed to say no but Dan and Phil had never bothered with the servant’s rules.
As he poked Dan’s lip back into his mouth he pointed to the equation, “To start…”
~-~-~
“You have a banquet.” Phil mumbled over the top of his book.
Dan groaned, “I almost forgot!” He slammed down his book on the table with a loud clunk that made Phil jump in shock. He knew his mother, the Queen, would kill him if he was late.
Actually she would probably kill Phil, not that it was his fault but she would find a way to make it his fault.
“You should go get ready.” Phil added putting down his book as well.
Dan nodded, already getting ready to leave before he gasped, “Aren’t you helping set up?” He asked. Phil smacked his head and jumped to his feet.
“Your mum’s gonna kill me!” He groaned as he pulled on his vest.
Dan shooed him away, “If you go quick she might not notice!”
They both knew that wasn’t true but they could dream.
~-~-~
Dan sat on the rough chair, with a leveled glare at the wall as though it was forcing him to go the banquet. The wall of course had nothing to do with it, however it was the only thing in his line of vision, so it would have to do. His hair was being attended to by a new servant. Or should he say attacked by a new servant. She was spraying it so vigorously he was sure it would be a tough shell when she was finished. It was straightened out which was at least a relief.
“How about this one sir?” Ellen, his personal maid, asked as she presented a blue button up. Dan went to nod before he remembered that his hair was being attacked with a comb.
“Perfect Ellen thanks.” He mumbled.
She nodded before she marched out of his vision, her greyed hair pinned into her signature bun.
~-~-~
The banquet was just as boring as usual. Maria, the daughter of Duke and Duchess Maidon, was watching his with eyes wide the entire time. Dan avoided looking at her as she made him uncomfortable.
“Dan, how were your lessons today?” His father asked with a reassuring smile.
He felt Maria’s eyes burn into the back of his head as he turned to face him.
Dan shrugged mildly, “A little difficult but Phi-” he halted himself quickly, “I got some help and I understand it now.”
His parents nodded, his mother’s eyebrows slightly furrowed, unnoticeable to anyone who didn’t know her well, like Dan did. The servants smiled at him as they placed a plate of food in front of him. His parents and the Duke and Duchess of a nearby town began to discuss things Dan didn’t understand.
He swallowed a mouthful of his meal, and tried to avoid a conversation with Maria.
“In my opinion servants shouldn’t be friends with princes.”
Duchess Maidon scowled, her mouth twisted as she placed a piece of duck in her mouth with a pristine poshness.
Dan felt his cheeks burn but he didn’t comment. There was a pause before his mother replied,
“My opinion exactly.” She commented idly before changing the conversation to politics.
Dan didn’t stop glaring at his plate for the rest of the meal.
~-~-~
Phil bustled around Dan’s room dusting his shelves.
“How was the banquet?” He asked.
Dan felt his cheeks burn as he remembered the Duchess’ comment. He couldn’t tell Phil.
He shrugged, “Boring as ever.” He muttered, as he stared at the roof. Phil seemed to accept that, not that it wasn’t true. He grew quiet while he focused on polishing a vase.
“What do you want to do when you’re older Phil?” Dan asked.
He tended to ask Phil questions like that, as they made him feel more normal. Normal kids didn’t know for certain what they would be when they were only ten.
Phil laughed softly, “King’s Advisor. What else?” He muttered.
Dan nodded, he should have expected that answer. Phil’s father was the King’s Advisor and as his mother had died when he was young, it made sense that he would take the role.
“Ok… but do you have any things you want to do first? In the castle or out.”
Dan waited while Phil thought, as he moved to Dan’s TV and wiped it clean.
Eventually he nodded, “I want to wait the parties so I can see you forced to wear your fancy outfits and talk to snobby kids.” Phil poked out his tongue.
Dan rolled his eyes, “Ugh don’t remind me! I’ve got a party this weekend and I’m not looking forward to it.” He groaned.
Phil snickered, “I know.”
There was another lapse of silence before Phil sighed lightly.
“I do want to wait parties though. It seems like fun. Getting to be a part of it all.”
Dan nodded.
“It’s not fun, but I understand."
~-~-~
Dan stared at his shoes while his mother scolded him, and waited for it to be over.
“You are a prince Daniel.” She groans, “I allow you to play games, but not during your piano lesson.”
Dan sighed involuntarily, “I forgot it was my piano lesson Mum.”
She narrowed her eyes, “It was because of Lester the servant boy wasn’t it?” She asked calmly, although he knew she was anything but calm currently.
“No, it wasn’t Phil Mum.”
His mother let out a heavy breath through her nose at the use of Phil’s first name.
In her opinion it was correct to call servants by their surname and nothing else.
Dan of course disagreed.
“Lester,” she hissed, “Has had a very bad influence on you Daniel.”
Dan resisted the urge to scream, “No he hasn’t.” He growled under his breath, as he attempted and failed to be hostile.
The Queen shook her head in displeasure.
“If it wasn’t for your father, I would ban you from speaking to him.” She said coldly.
Dan met her steel glare with his own, “Lucky Dad’s here then."
~-~-~
Dan and Phil were playing an intense round of Mario Kart when his father knocked on the door.
“Can I speak to you Dan?” He asked with a smile, “Who was winning?” He added as Phil had begun to shut off the game.
“Speedy Bear, as always.” Phil grumbled, the King was very obvious in his liking of Phil, unlike the Queen who clearly wanted nothing to do with the boy. Dan grinned at his father while he laughed softly, “Well run along Philip, I’ll call for you to return when I’m done with Dan.” He said and shooed Phil out of the room
Phil bowed quickly before he scurried away, despite knowing The King would never get angry at him about the rules. Bowing was customary and Phil was trying to practise.
“I thought we could get lunch?” His father suggested, already indicating for Dan to follow him out of the room. Dan grinned, he knew that by lunch his father meant they would go to the kitchens to have a sandwich and sit in the small dining area. He enjoyed his time with his father anyway.
“Sounds awesome!” He exclaimed, and leapt to his feet in excitement.
They walked along the hallways in comfortable silence, Dan with a slight skip in his step.
He loved eating with his parents, especially his father as both of them were very busy. Barely having time for Dan except for dinners and banquets. He understood though, running the country was a difficult thing to do. A lot of their energy was focused on doing the right thing for their people, and that meant they didn’t have much time for their son.
It didn’t stop him from celebrating the occasional times like these.
“So what did you want to tell me?” Dan asked as they entered the kitchens.
His father smiled at him affectionately, Dan was known for being curious, “I'll tell you when we sit down.”
Dan sighed heavily but followed his father to the servants dining room. A couple of maids were eating there, and seemed surprised to see the King and the Prince. A few however knew that when they had time Dan loved to frequent the private dining room.
Either with Phil or his father, as it kept him feeling like a reasonably normal boy, unlike the giant church like dining room for the royals. In fact, Dan rarely went into the royal dining room if he could avoid it. It only served to remind him how different he was.
They sat down with a plate of sandwiches and some chocolate milk for Dan, and a coffee on the way for his father.
“So? What do you want to tell me?” Dan asked impatiently, as he grinned from ear to ear he dug into his sandwich. The King rolled his eyes fondly, while he wiped crumbs from the corners of Dan’s mouth, “Well would you like good news or bad news first?” He asked.
Dan furrowed his eyebrows at that question.
After a bit of thought he replied, “Bad. Get it over with quickly.” He said, as he took a big gulp of chocolate milk.
His father nodded, “Right, well then.” He paused, to think about how to word the news Dan assumed, “Your mother and I are going on a business trip so Nanny Madison will look after you.”
Dan groaned, and slumped over so his head knocked on the table.
“I should have said good news first.” He grumbled, voice muffled by his arm as he continued to lean on it. His father laughed gently, and pushed his head off the table.
“We won’t be gone long, besides you haven’t heard the good news.” He pointed out.
Dan perked up slightly, but not much. He hated when Nanny Madison looked after him.
She was even stricter than his mother, as she believed Phil would “taint” his prince qualities, so they didn’t get to spend much time with each other. She even believed Dan should learn boring skills like fencing, like the old prince days.
“Nothing like the good old days,” she would say, as she handed Dan a terrifying mask and a sharp thin sword.
“The party this weekend has been rescheduled, and Philip will take over for Ellen while we’re gone as she is accompanying us.” His father said with a knowing grin. Dan perked up considerably, Nanny Madison wouldn’t be able to stop him from seeing Phil after all.
“He’s not too young?” Dan asked joyfully.
The King shook his head, “It will be good training for him, Nikki will guide him of course, but mostly it will be Philip.”
Dan squealed with delight, wrapping his arms around his father, nearly knocking over their drinks in the process. His father chuckled into the hug but held Dan in his arms gently.
11
Dan waved to Phil from the window. Phil had been piled up with work recently for the upcoming party, (Dan was trying to forget).
Unfortunately, that meant the two boys hadn’t been able to spend as much time as usual.
Dan trudged his way back to the huge grand piano. He stretched his fingers over the cool white keys. Eventually he decided he would play his favourite piece, Fur Elise. The notes tinkled and filled the air in a way that even his piano teacher was impressed.
“You ‘ave have practised?” She said simply in her french accent, as though this was a new concept. Dan nodded despite the fact that he hadn’t practised since their last lesson. Piano came reasonably naturally to him, most of the time, “Of course.”
She smiled, while she adjusted her long brown hair so that it wouldn’t get in the way.
“Show me Symphony 40.” She brandished to the piano and he nodded.
Even though he hated Symphony 40.
~-~-~
Parties were in Dan’s opinion worse than banquets, as he hated to be looked down upon, and that’s what happened for the entire party.
Duchesses would smile stiffly at him, as though they couldn’t quite remember how to smile, exchange a few words. All the while they looked as though the last thing they wanted to do was talk to a small “child”, he was an eleven year old not a baby.
Nevertheless they barely had a conversation before moving on there way.
Dukes were no better.
Besides, just like at banquets, Phil wasn’t allowed to attend, which left Dan miserable and alone.
He hated the other rarities of young children who stuck their noses in the air and trod as though on smashed glass, one flat foot and they would be doomed.
God Dan hated them, more than words could express.
One girl, with a bony chin and huge brown eyes would stare over at him, her mouth pressed into a thin line and her dark brown hair curled into an elaborate updo.
Dan had never spoken to her though as she was always by the side of a tall prince who he wanted nothing to do with.
As the clock struck nine Dan began to wonder if he would be able to leave, after three hours of utter boredom he was ready to be out.
Suddenly he saw Phil emerge through a side door, black hair messy from the wrestling he and Dan had done earlier. Dan watched as his best friend went over to a waiter and begun to collect plates and crockery, until it was stacked to nearly the height of Phil himself. All Dan could do was watch in horror as more plates were added to the pile, this left Phil’s legs trembling and his mouth screwed up in concentration.
Dan already knew everything would go wrong before it did, it was like watching a movie in slow motion. One moment it was all fine, Phil was about to leave the room with his ridiculously tall pile of plates, the next there was a smash as Phil’s legs gave way beneath him.
Plates and crockery of every sort smashed to the ground, which left a maze of shattered glass and pottery around Phil.
Both Dan and his mother ran towards him at the same time, but for different reasons.
Dan could see his mother compose her ‘we will talk later face’ as they raced across the ballroom.
Phil sat amongst the rubble, crying silently, cuts in his hands and knees from the smashed plates that had cut into him, Dan reached him first as his mother tried to appear semi composed.
The entire ballroom watched them but Dan couldn’t care less, he was a kid after all, if they wanted to treat him like one he would be one.
“Phil,” he said when he was in earshot, stepping over smashed glass to reach his best friend who sniffled as Dan pulled him into a hug, “It’s gonna be okay.”
~-~-~
Dan was sat on the floor of the servant quarters, piles of spelling words spilt over his legs. He was testing Phil while he folded the royal family’s clothes.
“Rhubarb?” Dan asked being sure to hold the card out of Phil’s view.
Phil groaned reaching for a pair of trousers.
“I haven’t got a clue.” He muttered. “I’m going to fail.”
Dan shook his head, “That’s what I say every maths test, and what do you say?” He asked with his eyebrows raised.
Phil sighed, “You need to believe in your abilities.”
“Exactly!” Dan clapped his hands together, “Now, Rhubarb.”
Phil sighed, “R - H - U - B?” He paused and Dan nodded in encouragement. “A - R - B?” He finished.
Dan let out a whoop of excitement, “Correct!”
“Wait really!” Phil dropped the t-shirt he was folding in shock.
Dan nodded happily, before he picked up the next card.
“I knew you could do it.”
~-~-~
“I’m bored,” Phil complained, and sprawled himself across Dan’s lap so that he couldn’t focus on his homework.
Dan groaned, as he tried to shove Phil off him, “Go away! I’m doing my homework!” Dan said with one final push.
Phil didn’t relent, staying on his lap as he continued to pout, “but I’m bored!” He repeated as though that would make Dan change his mind. “Come on grumpy bear!”
“Plus it’s hot and I don’t have any work to do! We can have a water fight.” Phil said and poked Dan in the side.
Dan’s ears pricked up despite himself, “Do we have water balloons?” He said, as he attempted to keep a calm air about him.
He must have failed because Phil smirked, “Yes,” he said with a shrug, “But I thought you wanted to do your homework so…” He trailed off and Dan groaned, before he slammed his laptop shut and turned to stare at his smirking friend.
“I hate you,” Dan grumbled as he stood up.
Phil let out a whoop of excitement, and began to drag Dan along by his arm.
As they entered the kitchen, Dan grinned; Phil had already gotten out a bucket of water balloons.
“Someone was prepared,” Dan turned to Phil who shrugged in embarrassment.
They walked over to the sink which wasn’t being used by anyone, “Well I figured you couldn’t turn down a water fight,” Phil explained.
Dan nodded, Phil had always known him better than he knew himself, and he was never one to turn down a water fight.
The King wandered out of the pantry, a cookie stuck out of his mouth. He glanced at the two boys who were stood in front of the sink, “What are you two doing?” He asked.
Dan started, he hadn’t heard his father walk into the room, “We’re going to have a water fight!” He replied excitedly.
The King laughed, the sound loud and booming, “Do either of you actually know how to fill up a water balloon?” he asked with a knowing raise of his dark eyebrow.
Dan turned to Phil who stared back at him with wide eyes, well this had created a problem. Phil shook his head sheepishly and the King laughed again, as he moved over to help them.
As he taught them how to correctly fill up a water balloon Dan couldn’t stop the smile that bloomed, the grin on his face physically hurt his cheek muscles. The King would laugh loudly whenever Dan or Phil accidentally burst one all over themselves (it was mostly Dan). Even Dan couldn’t help but laugh loudly as Phil accidentally slipped on water and ended up splashing a water balloon over Dan’s head. Dan retaliated by leaping on him which left both boys soaked.
In the end the water fight never quite made it outside.
12
Dan was well and truly sick of parties. The tape measure was cold against his bare chest and Phil laughed softly as he shivered.
“Oi!” Dan grumbled, Phil poked out his tongue but didn’t say anything. The seamstress clucked her tongue at him.
“Do not move Your Highness, it makes it far too difficult.” She scolded him gently, in her so-posh-it-must-be-fake British accent. Although Dan could hardly talk, he sounded like Winnie the Pooh. Phil snickered under his breath.
“Lester,” she turned her head absentmindedly and Phil jumped into straight posture, “Pass me the red silk dear.”
Phil nodded as he retrieved the bright material. She held it against the white material she was fitting Dan with and turned to Phil.
“What are your thoughts?” She asked with a tilt of the head.
Dan felt a swell of gratitude, she had gotten so sick of Dan asking for Phil’s opinions, she had begun to do so herself. Phil furrowed his eyebrows in thought before grabbing the white material and holding it against Dan’s chest.
“It really brings out his eyes, and the red is a strong comparison to his complexion.”
Dan felt his cheeks flush red.
“I agree.” The seamstress, Betty, nodded.
Betty had left them in private to discuss the material choices for his other garments.
They were sat on the floor of his bedroom (if it could be called a bedroom, it was more like a Dan’s wing) surrounded by various fabrics, embroidery and silks.
“This one would be nice?” Phil held up a blue silk. Dan watched the way the light danced on the blue fabric, perfectly reflecting his friends eyes.
“Nah, would be nicer on you.” He muttered, as he looked back down at the materials on his lap.
Phil raised his eyebrows.
“I won’t ever need it. The King’s advisor doesn’t wear silks.” Phil replied casually.
Dan wondered how strange their conversations would sound to normal twelve year olds.
Twelve year olds who didn’t grow up in a castle.
Twelve year olds who didn’t wear silks, or jewels.
Dan shrugged, “I’m just saying it would look nicer on you. Plus that type of linen scratches me.”
Phil nodded and put it down gently.
Phil held up a pale green material against Dan’s bare chest. His cold fingers made Dan shiver.
“Are you cold, Bear?” Phil smirked evilly.
He pressed freezing fingers against the bare skin. Dan shuddered and attempted to push the icy hands off him but Phil didn’t let up.
He poked his finger into Dan’s side, “Phil!” Dan exclaimed.
His mother walked into the room just as the word left his lips, of course.
“Lester,” she said curtly, “How is the material choice?”
Phil swallowed heavily and Dan felt himself sob internally.
“It’s going well Ma’am,” Phil was stood in front of Dan with his back as straight as a pole, all emotion drained from his face. Betty walked in and eyed him curiously before she saw Dan's mother.
“Your Majesty,” she curtseyed quickly, “Is everything alright ma’am?”
His mother nodded, before she turned to Phil, “Show me,” she waved her hand impatiently. Phil scrambled to hold the material against Dan yet again, this time Dan didn’t shudder at the cold. Or laugh at his friend tickling him.
His mother watched them warily, “Yes. It will do nicely.”
~-~-~
Dan pulled at his collar which was cutting into the skin beneath his neck. He glanced up at the large clock, three hours to go. He let out a sigh involuntarily just as a prince from a nearby country approached him.The boy was at least four years older than Dan but he had a name Dan couldn’t quite put his finger on.
Phil would remember, he was good at names.
“Hello Daniel, lovely party,” The prince smiled at him.
Dan nodded, he felt short and inferior compared to the tall teenager.
“Yes… lovely.” Dan glanced up at the clock again, only to be disappointed by a minute that had passed.
He restrained himself from groaning, and the boy raised his eyebrows in disbelief. Dan couldn’t blame him. Dan folded his small gloved hands behind his back, attempting to make himself look innocent.
“You don’t look as though you’re enjoying it,” The prince smirked.
Dan scrambled for a topic change, “I apologise but I believe I’ve forgotten your name,” he smiled politely.
“It’s James.”
Of course it’s James. Such a posh name for a posh person.
“That’s a very nice name.” Dan replied.
James laughed airily, as though he didn’t believe him.
He shook his head, “You’re a strange child Daniel.”
“There aren't many ordinary princes.”
Dan was hovering around the table, covered in various punches and wines. All served in glass goblets. People smiled and greeted him as he passed but nobody attempted to start a conversation, which Dan was grateful for. He hated the forced conversations and the polite exchanges. For not the first time that night, he wished Phil was at the party, so he could talk to someone normal.
“You look sad Daniel.” A duchess greeted him as she picked up a piece of bruschetta.
Dan shook his head politely, “Not at all ma’am. Just tired.” He gestured to the clock, which was proudly bearing 10:00 pm in large gold numbers. She nodded knowingly, most twelve year olds would be asleep by now after all, Dan chose not mention that Phil usually crept into his room around this time.
It was a perfectly acceptable lie for a twelve year old.
“You should see if you can totter off to bed?” She offered before gliding away. He hated the way posh people, like his parents, seemed to glide rather than walk, as though a simple walk was far too ordinary for them.
He glanced at the clock.
The news of him being “tired” would spread to his mother in the next ten minutes, who always listened in to conversations. He should be out of here within a quarter of an hour.
Sure enough, his mother approached him as the clock hit quarter past.
“You’re tired Daniel?” She asked with a kind smile. He loved his mother much more when she was in a good mood, she was so much more approachable.
“Yes,” he added a yawn for extra measure.
She glanced at the clock delicately and seemed shocked by the time.
“I’m not surprised either! Goodness!” She waved him away, “You go off to bed now.”
He nodded and dashed off before she could change her mind.
~-~-~
Phil was waiting in his room as usual.
They were used to the routine by now.
Dan would go to a party which he was unhappy about.
He would get out early by pretending to be tired
Phil would meet him in his room for the run down of Dan’s boredom.
Phil glanced at his watch.
“You’re earlier than usual.” He commented casually.
Dan shrugged, “It was an easy fake this time. Duchess Lendon was concerned.”
Phil nodded in understanding, Duchess Lendon had always been the most motherly of them all.
“Tell me everything.” Phil grinned.
Dan took a deep breath before he began his spiel, starting with Prince James who had talked to him for an hour.
13
“Are you positive?” Dan asked again as he followed Phil around and cleaned cabinets.
“Yes.” Phil replied without even a glance up from the glass he was scrubbing.
Dan bit his lip nervously, “But what if-”
Phil cut him off by finally meeting eyes with Dan irritably, “I want to wait the parties Dan. It’s never going to happen if I don’t ask your mum.”
“Yeah but-“
“No buts. I’m going to do it now.” Phil said as he completed the cleaning with a final wipe.
Dan huffed nervously but otherwise let him go without complaint.
“Good luck!” He called out.
~-~-~
Phil had been busy since the morning and Dan was dying to speak to him.
What did his mother say? He slammed his hands down on the piano keys. There was no way he could practise with this kind of stress. So he made the decision to give up and go find Phil, with a slam of the lid he got up to exit the room.
Jonathan, a servant, rushed into the room.
“Goodness Sir are you ok?” The thin balding man asked with a gasp.
Dan shuffles awkwardly, “Yes Jonathan sorry.” He scratched his head, “I’m just not in the right headspace to play.”
Jonathan nodded in understanding, “I understand Mister Daniel but please,” He gestured to the shiny piano, black gloss glittering in the warm sunlight, “Don’t injure the piano because of it.” He winked softly before waving Dan out of the room.
~-~-~
From Dan 3:27 pm 3/06
where are you!?! i need to know how it went
From Dan 3:30 pm 3/06
if you don’t reply i’m going to kill you
From Dan 3:32 pm3/06
i know you have your phone on you!!! you always do!!!
From Dan 3:33 pm 3/06
seriously???
From Dan 3:36 pm 3/06
this is getting ridiculous...
From Phil 3:37 pm 3/06
You’re unbelievable :) I’m in the east wing, I was washing dishes so I couldn’t reply you dork
From Dan 3:37 pm 3/06
coming now!!! (i’m a prince not a dork :P)
From Phil 3:38 pm 3/06
Prince Dork then!
~-~-~
“How did it go?” Dan pounced on Phil the second he saw him. Phil let out a grunt as they fell over.
“Really?” Phil asked with an eye roll while he stood up, “She said yes by the way. But I have to go through extensive training first.”
Dan pumped his fist in the air with a whoop of excitement. Phil laughed softly, as he picked up a pile of washing from beside him, “Come on. We can talk while I hang this washing up.”
~-~-~
From Dan 10:02 am 8/10
i haven’t seen you in days are you ok???
From Dan 10:20 am 9/10
phil??? You literally haven’t been talking to me are you alright???
From Dan 9:30 am 11/10
phil???
From Dan 9:40 am 11/10
what’s going on???
Seen at 11:40
From Dan 12:40 am 12/10
why did you walk off on me today??? you yelled something out but I couldn’t hear you
From Phil 12:42 am 12/10
Hey Dan! Sorry cant talk fr long supwr busy
Your mum has beem loading me witj work
she
From Dan 12:43 am 12/10
she what???
From Dan 12:44 am 12/10
phil
From Dan 12:45 am 12/10
meet me at my room at 6 ok???
From Phil 12:59 am 12/10
k
~-~-~
Dan sat on his bed and waited. It was 6:30 and Phil still hadn’t turned up.
He felt his fingers twitch towards his phone, but there was no point. Phil hardly replied to his texts currently anyway. There was the sound of fast footsteps before Phil burst in, hair ruffled and face red from running.
“I’m so sorry,” Phil gasped, as he collapsed onto Dan’s bed
Dan shook his head, “It’s okay.” he paused before asking the question that had been plaguing him for days, “What’s going on?”
Phil sighed, “I’ve had so much work lately. I just don’t have time to hang out.”
“Or answer texts,” Dan pointed out. Phil seemed to see something interesting on his shoes.
“Yeah, or answer texts.”
Dan rolled his eyes, “I thought you were mad at me or something.”
Phil looked up with so much shock in his eyes that Dan felt bad.
“Why would I be mad at you?” He asked, forehead creased in worry.
Dan sighed, “I don’t know… I guess you just hardly were speaking to me and I freaked out. We just...” He could feel Phil’s eyes on him, waiting for him to finish. “We just… always talk. We’ve never split up before.”
Phil looked exhausted and sad.
“I’m sorry Dan. I really am.” He watched Dan with hopeful eyes, “If I could get away from all the work I would.”
Dan smiled, “I know.”
~-~-~
Phil couldn’t get away from the work.
He was making an effort to text Dan, that much Dan could tell. However he had no time to actually see Dan, or really do anything fun anymore.
Dan was on his computer, finger tapping the mouse absentmindedly, when suddenly it struck him.
“Mum.” He muttered to himself.
Why had it not been obvious before?
She was giving Phil too much work on purpose.
To keep him away from Dan.
He leapt to his feet and slammed the chair into his desk.
Just as he was leaving his room his father came in.
“Dan!” He said as they bumped into each other. Dan slowed to a stop and turned to his father.
“Sorry Dad, is it important?” He asked as he walked back into his bedroom.
The King nodded while he settled onto one of Dan’s plush couches.
“It’s about Ellen.” He said and indicated to Dan to sit down.
“Is she ok?” Dan asked worriedly.
Was she ok? Was she sick?
His father smiled at his concern, “Don’t worry. She’s fine.” He assured his worried son, “In fact she’s pregnant!” The King announced with a joyful smile.
Dan couldn’t stop the smile spread over his face, however a small niggle at the back of his mind was saying what now?
“That’s great! So she’ll be going on maternal leave for a bit or…” Dan trailed off as he saw his father shake his head slowly.
“That is why I need to talk to you,” he said, “She wants to be a stay at home mother so-“
Dan finished for him, “So she’s resigning.”
The King nodded and waited for Dan to speak again.
“I need a new personal maid.” Dan supplied and his father looked pleased.
“Yes, and I thought you were old enough to pick on your own.”
The solution presented itself to Dan so clear and simple he could almost laugh.
“Completely up to me?” He checked.
His father raised an eyebrow curiously but said, “Yes. Your mother has agreed.”
“Phil.” Dan said excitedly.
His father smiled as though that was expected.
“It will be done.” He said simply with a small shrug and a wink.
Dan couldn’t fight the huge smile that spread over his face.
~-~-~
His mother was furious. Except she couldn’t do anything about it at all. She had already agreed after all.
“Pick someone else Daniel.” She growled, arms crossed over her body like an angry barrier.
Dan stood firm, “No. I choose Phil. He would be perfect as he already knows me so well.” He smiled sweetly. She narrowed her eyes, knowing that she was beaten.
“Go tell him.” She said sternly.
He grinned while he raced off to tell his friend.
To Phil 3:21 pm 18/10
where are you? i have news!!!
To Dan 3:22 pm 18/10
Washing room? You OK?
~-~-~
Dan ran as fast as he could, his chest begged him to stop but his brain repeated
Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil
He could scream with happiness. After three weeks of barely talking Dan couldn’t take it anymore.
“Phil!” He exclaimed as he dashed into the washroom.
Despite being entirely out of breath he was still bouncing with happiness.
“Dan!” Phil replied as Dan leapt on him. “What on Earth?”
He had to stop himself from squealing at the prospect of Phil being around him all the time.
“Guess who’s my new personal maid?”
Phil’s eyes widened as the words left Dan’s lips.
“No way!” He gasped, understanding straight away.
“Yes!” Dan grinned.
Phil dropped the wash basket to wrap his arms around Dan, it clattered to the floor and spilt piles of clothes everywhere. Dan grinned as he hugged his best friend back tightly.
14
At midnight Dan woke up drenched in sweat and shaking like a leaf. He only just made it to the bathroom before he vomited up the contents of his stomach.
Where was the button for Phil again? His sick brain only half worked. There was a moment of panic before his stomach lurched again. He sobbed softly, his stomach swirling.
That’s when he remembered the button.
There was one on the sink basin.
He raised a shaky hand to the small button and pushed down on it before his stomach lurched again.
It was really hot in the room, despite the fact that he wasn't wearing a shirt.
“Dan!” Phil gasped, glasses askew on his face and hair messy from sleep.
Dan whimpered softly in response, there was an aching pain in his stomach that seemed to spread through his body.
“Oh Dan, okay where does it hurt?” Phil murmured softly, voice still slightly husky from only just waking up. Dan pointed to his stomach. “Are you hot or cold?”
“Hot.” Dan replied, voice soft and shaky from the pain.
Phil nodded, and helped Dan to his feet.
“Ok, I’m taking you to your bed.” Phil explained to him, “I’m going to turn on your air conditioner and get you a bucket.”
Dan nodded.
“You’re going to take off your pants so that you’re not too hot. Do you want ice?” Phil helped him onto the bed.
Dan nodded shakily.
Phil raced off.
Dan pulled off his pyjama pants so that he was just in his boxers. His stomach lurched again but he didn’t throw up, luckily.
Phil returned with ice, a bucket and some medicine.
“Here you go.” He said as he handed Dan the ice pack.
Dan took it gratefully and placed the soothing cold on his head. Phil passed him some medicine.
“You’re going to be ok,” Phil’s voice was soft and comforting.
He stroked Dan’s hair softly while Dan clutched his stomach from the stabbing pain.
“Thank you.” Dan whispered back.
~-~-~
“Are you alright Dan?” Phil checked in on him later that afternoon. Dan opened his eyes drowsily.
“Uck,” He groaned.
Phil chuckled softly, “Your Mum is going to come in a bit, she’s just wrapping up a meeting.” He told Dan, moving around the room to swap a glass of water and give Dan some new medicine.
“No, don’t leave.” Dan pouted as Phil turned to leave the room.
Phil laughed gently, “Dan, you have clothes that need to be washed, and I told you, your Mum is coming.” He shook his head, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
“Okay…” Dan dragged out the end of the word and added puppy dog eyes for extra emphasis. Phil merely shrugged with another soft laugh and left the room.
Dan flopped back down, the pillows surrounded his head. His stomach gave an uncomfortable lurch but he had long since emptied his stomach.
“Dan?” He heard his mother ask from the doorway.
“Come in Mother,” he smiled through the pain, sitting himself up against the pile of pillows.
She sighed softly when she was his flushed form, “Are you alright? Have you eaten?” She fretted, perching on the couch beside his bed.
“I’m fine and no I tried a while ago and vomited it back up.” He replied, his body shook from the cold despite the fact that he was sweating like he was in sauna.
She pursed her lips, “Do you have a fever?”
“Yeah I think so.” He cuddled the blankets around him.
“Do you want me to get you a doctor to come in?” She said with a tinge of worry threaded through her words. Dan nodded.
“You should probably sleep. I’ll call a doctor,” she smiled gently at him, before exiting as quickly as Phil had done. Dan repeated the action of collapsing back into the pile of pillows, sleep greeted him much faster than expected.
He dreamt like a photo album.
Small snippets that constantly changed.
Each as random as the last.
He was in charge of four bawling babies.
All that surrounded him was an empty dark abyss.
He was at a ball surrounded by girls but he instantly migrated to a young prince.
Geese pecked at him from every angle.
He was drowning in a sea of cats.
Phil poked him gently and he woke with a start.
“You right?” He asked and passed him a glass of icy water.
Dan nodded, “Yeah just… weird dreams I guess?” He chuckled, but the dream about the ball was stuck in his brain like glue. Phil didn’t look convinced but shrugged it off, “You were talking in your sleep a bit.” he snickered, “Don’t peck me bad geese no!” Phil flailed his arms mockingly.
Dan rolled his eyes, “Shut up!” He scoffed, “I’ll have you know they were pecking from every angle.” He stuck out his tongue.
“Nice to see your usual sarcastic attitude back,” Phil smiled genuinely.
Dan grinned back, his hair still stuck to his face with sweat.
~-~-~
When Dan finally emerged from his sickness there was a another party in three days. Phil was finally, after a year of training, going to wait a party. Dan for the first time ever was excited about the party, he wouldn’t be suffering through it alone. He could also tell that Phil was bubbling with excitement.
Phil bounded around Dan’s room, smile glowing on his face.
“Come on!” Phil exclaimed.
Dan groaned as Phil passed him his shirt and pants.
“I don’t wanna!” He flopped onto his bed, throwing his hand to his forehead for dramatic effect. Phil rolled his eyes and pulled Dan's foot so that he fell off the bed. “Get up, the party’s in an hour you don’t have time to be fussy.”
Dan stuck out his bottom lip in a pout, Phil smirked and poked the lip back in.
“Come on get up!” He said far to happily for Dan’s liking.
~-~-~
Dan smiled politely at the princesses who curtsied to him. He gave them a small bow back. Although he could clearly see the princesses were beautiful, he found himself wishing he could meet more princes.
Like in his dream a few weeks ago.
He shook away the feelings hurriedly.
Now was not the time to question his opinions on princesses, he didn’t need a partner yet anyway.
Someone tapped him delicately on the shoulder.
“Would you like a drink sir?” A familiar voice asked, a teasing tone added for extra measure.
Dan rolled his eyes as he turned to face Phil, “Do you have any alcohol?” He asked sarcastically.
Phil tutted at him, “Absolutely not! Take a non alcoholic drink.” He inclined his head to the tray he was carrying.
Dan smiled gratefully and took a glass.
“How’re you liking the party scene?” He asked with a smirk.
Phil laughed, “I’m beginning to see why you got so bored, they’re all just drifting in their fancy way.”
Dan pulled a face in agreement.
“Hello Daniel.” A voice said from behind him.
Dan grimaced at Phil before he turned to face James, who had spoken to him at any party possible. Despite the four year age gap and the fact that Dan hated him.
“Drink.” James snapped his fingers at Phil.
Phil looked shocked by the abrupt rudeness of it but maintained a polite manner anyway, “What would you like?” He asked.
“Wine.” James said just as harshly and held out his hand for the glass.
Phil carefully retrieved a glass from his tray and passed it to the snobby prince.
“Have you met my sister, Cecilia?” James asked with a slight incline of the head.
Dan wanted to punch him for the way he had spoken to Phil but he forced himself to remain calm.
“No.” He replied through gritted teeth.
James raised his eyebrows at the curt answer but simply finished his drink with a gulp.
“You should,” He said, “Another.” He snapped at Phil again.
Phil passed him another drink, sharing a look with Dan.
As the glass came into contact with James’ gloved hands it slipped through his fingers, smashing to the ground and spilling wine all over the prince’s legs.
“Look what you did!” James sneered at Phil.
A few people had turned to stare at them in shock.
“I-I’m sorry I thought you had it.” Phil replied shakily.
Dan stepped to comfort him, placing a hand on his arm.
“It wasn’t his fault that you didn’t hold onto it properly.” Dan said to James with a protective glare.
James scoffed, “Sticking up for the servant? What is he your boyfriend?” He asked with a smirk.
“No. He’s my friend.” Dan growled. “Leave us alone.”
James spun on his heel and marched off without another word.
Phil smiled at him gratefully before he ducked to his knees to wipe up the spilt wine.
15
“Dan! You need to get ready for god’s sake!” Phil exclaimed when he walked into the room.
Dan huffed but turned off the video game anyway.
“But I don’t want a gala!” He pouted.
Phil rolled his eyes, “Come on you’ve only got three hours and I need to get you ready.”
“I hate this,” he groaned, and screwed up his face in over exaggerated anguish.
Phil laughed, the soft sound filled Dan’s veins.
“We haven’t even started!” He exclaimed and pulled Dan to his feet.
Dan sat on the couch as Phil brought out two suits.
“I have to wear a suit!” Dan exclaimed and smashed his head into the pillow beside him.
Phil chuckled, “Yes you do.” He held them up, “Now which one?”
Dan turned to look at them, one was a navy blue with a pale blue shirt, the other was black with a crisp white shirt.
“The black one, like my soul.” He muttered and pointed to the black suit.
Phil laughed, “Perfect choice.”
Dan stuck out his tongue, Phil copied the action. Somehow making it so adorable Dan wanted to kiss him.
Did I really just think that?
Dan walked out of the change room, the suit fitted him perfectly, it shaped all the right places and made Dan look so much more handsome than he was. He could have sworn Phil’s cheeks tinted slightly pink when he walked out.
Probably because the room was very warm.
“On a scale of 1-10 how awful do I look? 1 being you look like a literal trash can, and 10 being I would make out with you in that suit.” He spread his arms awkwardly to show off the outfit. Phil stroked his chin in thought, “I’d say about a 9?” He said eventually.
Dan nodded, and ignored the thumping of his chest as his best friend stepped forward to adjust his collar.
“Jewel cufflinks or silver?” Dan asked Phil, as he turned to the boy who was strewn out across the bed. He showed the ruby cufflinks his mother had bought him for his birthday.
Phil screwed up his nose, “Definitely silver, jewels make you look tacky.”
“Really?” Dan replied and put down the rubies, picking up the silver. Phil nodded as he helped Dan attach them to the sleeves of his shirt.
“They look like you’re saying,” Phil spoke in an over the top british accent, “Woop-di-doo I’m a prince! I have money and jewels yay!”
Dan snorted at the awful impression.
“I do not speak like that!” He poked Phil in the side.
Phil smirked, “Sure you don’t Winnie the Pooh.” He teased.
“Oi!” Dan pushed him over onto his bed.
Phil laughed loudly as he grabbed Dan by the tie and pulled him down as well.
“If I look so tacky why did you let me where jewels so often!” Dan sat up with a start.
Phil shrugged, “I wasn’t allowed input into your outfit choices I guess.”
Dan pushed him, “You know I would have listened to you.”
There was a short pause before Phil chuckled, “Yeah I suppose you would have. I just didn’t think it was my place.”
“It’s always your place.” Dan said and poked his friend in the cheek.
Phil shrugged, “Well then, don’t wear jewels they’re tacky and I hate them.”
Dan rolled his eyes, unable to keep the grin off his face as he checked the time on his phone, “Oh shit!” He exclaimed as he leapt to his feet, “Come on! Mum’s going to kill me if I’m late!”
Phil groaned, “That’s what I’ve been saying all afternoon!”
~-~-~
He stood at the front of the room, the large crown heavy on his head. Hundreds of “eligible” young girls in beautiful dresses watched him eagerly. It was expected that he would go forward and dance with the girls he was considering.
But he wasn’t considering anyone.
After all he was only fifteen!
Why would he need a girlfriend, why would he want one? If he was honest with himself he had a crush on someone else, and it certainly wasn’t one of those princesses. He could just imagine how everyone would react if he went up to Phil and danced with him out of everyone in the room. Phil waved gently from the food table where he was waiting for his tray of cakes.
His mother sent him a look that said, “Daniel dance with one of them!”
He swallowed the hatred of the evening he stepped towards a pretty girl with blonde hair. She practically squealed with excitement and stepped away from her group of friends.
“Hi,” he bowed.
“H-hello,” she curtsied awkwardly back. With a smile he took her waist and her hand gently. They waltzed around the room, while jealous girls eyed them with looks of malice.
“So what’s your name?” He asked politely.
She smiled, “Elizabeth.”
Wow how original.
“That’s a lovely name.”
“Thank you.” He bowed again as they finished.
“No, thank you,” she said with another quick curtsey before she scurried away.
End me.
He scooted his way over to Phil while he had the chance.
“Hello.” Phil smiled as he approached.
“Hi.” Dan replied with a heavy sigh.
Phil chuckled and handed a princess a cake who was definitely only there because Dan was.
“Save me.” Dan groaned as she walked away.
Phil shook his head gently, “You know I can’t.” He began to walk through the sea of princesses.
“Follow me?” He looked back at Dan who reluctantly followed.
“They’re all so desperate it freaks me out.” He complained when they weren’t within earshot of any girls.
Phil nodded in understanding, “They keep asking if I’ve ever gotten to see you get dressed.”
“That’s… That’s just creepy.” Dan muttered and Phil laughed in agreement.
“Your mother is looking at us.” He hissed out the side of his mouth, and offered a cake to an overjoyed girl.
Dan sighed heavily, “Bye.”
~-~-~
Both Dan and Phil glanced up in shock as The King marched into Dan’s bed chambers, his old face worn out and exhausted but plastered with his signature smile.
“I was thinking you boys might want to go out for an ice-cream?” He suggested and Dan grinned as he climbed up from the game of Monopoly he and Phil had been playing.
With a nod Dan turned to Phil and said teasingly, “I can run you bankrupt later, let’s go get ice-cream!”
Phil rolled his eyes but took Dan’s hand to be hefted to his feet, “Sounds great!” He said to The King but turned to Dan mischievously, “But I believe you are the one who's bankrupt currently Daniel,” he poked Dan in the side.
“Well, whoever is bankrupt or not can wait. This King needs a break!” Dan’s father ushered them out of the room impatiently, clearly eager to get out of the palace and into the normal world.
Dan laughed loudly as his father all but tugged him out of the palace doors, one guard accompanied them as usual, despite Phil being “an escort”.
“Where are we going Your Majesty?” Phil asked as they left the huge gates of the palace behind.
The King tutted, “Please Philip if you’re going to use titles at least go with Sir? Your Majesty seems a bit ridiculous for someone who’s taking you out for ice-cream!”
Phil flushed a dark shade of red which shouldn’t have made Dan’s heart ping like it did, “Y-yes Sir,” Phil mumbled.
Dan tried to make his face as neutral as possible as his best friend turned to look at him, “Can we go to the little Italian place you took me when I was six?” Dan pleaded, not meeting Phil’s gaze for fear he would turn as red as Phil currently was.
His Father seemed surprised Dan remembered the little Italian ice cream shop they had only visited once but beamed anyway, “Of course!”
The guard made herself noticed by leaning her head in slightly, “Would you like a car Your Majesty?” The buff woman asked.
The King waved her away, “Nonsense! We can walk! I may be an old royal but I can still use these old things,” he waved his legs around and skipped off as though to prove his point. Dan laughed boisterously, and encouraged Phil to join him in a run as they left behind their duties for the day. Dan’s father danced and walked around in a strange walk that reminded Dan of a chicken, successfully pulling loud giggles out of both boys mouths as they continued to run alongside him.
The ice-cream shop was exactly the same as Dan remembered it, small and brightly coloured. With vintage records that lined the walls, each cut into beautiful shapes and hung to decorate the small room.
The walls were a strange shade of yellow, tinged with a bright blue that reminded Dan of Phil’s eyes, and the ice cream took up most of the space, kept in huge bucket sized containers.
Flavours were lined one after the other, each more exciting than the last. Bubblegum, chocolate fudge, tiramisu, honeycomb, vanilla bean, just to name a few.
Dan instantly ordered a vanilla bean and honeycomb in a large waffle cone.
Phil’s mouth was gaping open, like Dan he rarely left the palace and clearly hadn’t been to an ice-cream store this wonderful.
“What would you like Philip?” The King asked and turned to the fifteen year old boy who looked like he’d never seen real ice-cream before.
Dan grinned at him as Phil continued to splutter in uncertainty, finally he said, “Erm same as Dan.”
Dan nudged him in the side, “Good choice,” He whispered as the worker handed him the ice-cream, too busy to notice he was serving The Prince.
As they sat down in a window booth, the blue sky stretched out like a huge expanse, and licking at their half melted ice-creams they laughed so hard Dan thought he might burst. His father had a way of reminding both him and Phil of the memories that had long since faded away. Like the time Dan had gotten himself stuck in a drying room in a game of ‘Intense Hide and Seek’ as five year old Dan and Phil had named it. He was unable to get out of the warm room Dan had later emerged with an intensely curly fringe and no clothes.
Dan groaned as Phil laughed his head off at him, having completely forgotten about the very disgruntled young Daniel.
“Oi shut up Mr Philip!” Dan poked Phil in the side, “I distinctly remember somebody getting stuck in the top shelf of the pantry with a mouth full of jam biscuits!”
Phil turned a bright shade of red as both Dan and his father burst out laughing at the memory of a very sticky four year old and how on Earth he had gotten up there.
The King shook his head, still booming with laughter, “No no! Now both of you seem to have forgotten about the time…”
16
“Mum! I don’t need another gala! They’re not working!” He pleaded with his mother but to no avail.
She shook her head with a heavy sigh, “No Daniel. You are sixteen without anyone and your father and I are getting old. What happens if something happens to us? I want you to have someone.”
The words stabbed at Dan.
He knew who he wanted.
Who he would never have.
“I know Mum, but maybe we should try something else. I’m still only sixteen, can we take a break?” He begged.
She sighed heavily.
“One more Daniel. Then we’ll stop okay? Please?” Her eyes pleaded with him.
He nodded.
“Okay.”
After the first gala there had been at least ten more. With no more success than the first had been. Eventually Dan gave up, and just purposefully spent time with Phil.
“I hate this.” Dan muttered.
Phil nodded, “I know.” He passed a drink to a princess with a bright smile that made Dan’s heart stutter. “But your mother is worried.”
“I know,” Dan said with a sigh. He smiled politely to a girl they passed, “It’s just not working.”
Phil shrugged, “She’s hoping it might.”
A princess tapped Dan on the shoulder.
He spun around in shock, “Er hi?”
“Hello,” she curtsied, “My name is Princess Cecilia? We’ve met before. I’m James’ sister.”
The name made Phil’s eyebrows shoot up and Dan want to growl.
“Yeah hi,” Dan smiled politely, and wished she would go away as he saw James approaching them.
“Your mother thinks you two would be a good match,” James said in lieu of hello, “I see he’s still here.” James looked at Phil was a sneer.
Phil went bright as a beetroot but made no move to go anywhere, in fact he did the most sarcastic thing imaginable.
“Would you like a glass of wine?” He asked with an innocent smile.
James’ eyes narrowed but he didn’t say anything.
“How are you Daniel?” He said and turned to Dan.
Dan forced an incredibly fake smile and replied, “Fine thanks.”
At that he grabbed Phil’s arm and marched away, calling over his shoulder, “Nice meeting you Cecilia.”
~-~-~
The tears poured out at three am.
He sobbed into his pillow until his eyes were dry and his throat was hoarse.
Why
Why
Why
He didn’t want a girlfriend.
At all.
He wanted the opposite of that.
But aside from anything he didn’t want to be a disappointment. He clutched the blankets to his chest.
“Phil,” he croaked through the tears.
He didn’t want to press the button, but he did at the same time.
Dan held his pillow up to his face and screamed as loudly as possible. It was mostly muffled by the pillow but Phil managed to hear it anyway. He ran into the room with hair that was messy from sleep and eyes that were wide with worry.
“Dan… what’s wrong?” He gasped and slipped onto the bed beside Dan.
Phil held Dan to his chest and he sobbed heavily as tears cascaded down his face.
“Oh Dan,” Phil murmured and rubbed Dan’s back gently.
The tears began to slow until Dan was barely crying at all.
“What’s wrong Dan?” Phil asked gently, still rubbing Dan’s back for comfort.
Dan sobbed softly, “There’s so much happening and… and I don’t want a girlfriend but I’ll disappoint my parents… I just… I… don’t want to be a disappointment.”
Phil passed him a box of tissues, “You need a break.” He said knowingly.
Dan nodded, “Yeah I do…” He dabbed at his eyes, despite the fact that tears were still falling slowly.
“I’ll take you out tomorrow. We’ll tell your mum that you need to go out and I’ll take you to a market nearby!” Phil suggested with an excited grin.
Dan smiled through the tears, “That sounds great.”
Phil nodded and pulled Dan back into a hug, “Then we’ll do it.”
~-~-~
Phil bounded along the path ahead, a bright green shirt and jeans fitted to his body.
“You’re going to love it!” He exclaimed gleefully, before he slowed down to walk next to Dan, “At least I hope you will or this will be awkward.” He laughed.
Dan chuckled, the fresh morning air nipping at any skin it could find. They had dressed Dan in black skinny jeans and a grey-black jumper so that people would be less likely to recognise him. Although as Phil said, there was a high possibility people would know who he was. It was nearby the palace after all.
The market was bustling to say the least.
It was a simple place, a farmers market Phil told him, but the energy was so different to the castle, and Dan loved it. There were stalls set up in a semi circle, ranging from scones to fresh produce. Children played in a petting zoo on the side and parents flitted between shops to find the best bargain.
Phil turned to him with a bright smile, “What do you think?” He asked.
“It’s amazing,” Dan smiled in return.
The weight of his stress momentarily faded away into the hustle bustle of the environment.
“Are you hungry?” Phil asked as they walked along the stores.
Dan’s stomach grumbled in response, “That would be yes.” He laughed.
“The scones are the best you’ll have ever tasted!” Phil exclaimed and pulled Dan along by the arm.
Dan grinned, “Even better than Chef Mari?” He asked with a smirk.
Phil nodded, “Yep!”
As they arrived at the stall the large man gave Phil a knowing smile.
“Phil!” He boomed happily, “How are you my boy?”
Phil grinned, “I’m great Bryan, and you?” He replied.
“I’m splendid! Who’s this lad? Your boyfriend?” Bryan asked with a smile.
Both Dan and Phil’s cheeks flushed red hot at that comment.
“N-no,” Phil stammered, “This is Dan. My best friend.”
Dan waved timidly, “Hi.”
Bryan let out a loud laugh, “I’m just teasing boys! The usual I assume?” He looked at Phil who nodded. When he passed the bag of scones to Phil, Dan could have sworn he heard him whisper, “He would be cute boyfriend though hm?”
But he was positive he was just imagining it.
“My hands are freezing.” Dan complained.
Phil rolled his eyes but linked their hands together. His hands were warm and soft.
“Better?” He asked with a grin.
Dan nodded.
A small three year old boy bumped directly into Dan’s leg and fell onto the ground with an oomph.
“Sorry!” The boy apologised and jumped to his feet.
The mother rushed forward, an apologetic look on her face and Dan recognised her straight away.
“Dan!” She exclaimed.
“Ellen!” He replied as she picked up her little boy.
She sighed happily, “You let your curls out!” She smiled.
He nodded, “Phil convinced me.” He said and inclined his head to his friend beside him.
She beamed at the two of them. Then she noticed their linked hands, “Oh! Are you?” She trailed off as they let go hurriedly.
Dan’s face heated up once again.
“No my hands were cold,” Dan explained. Probably too quickly.
He hoped neither of them picked up on it.
She seemed slightly disappointed.
“Tell me any news ok boys?” She asked before she called out her goodbyes.
Phil smiled at Dan.
“Apparently we’d be a cute couple.” He snickered.
Dan felt his cheeks heat up, little did Phil know that was what he wanted.
“Y-yeah,” he laughed, but it was forced.
Don’t get your hopes up Dan
That night Dan was the happiest he had been since his 16th birthday. Phil and he had ate and laughed at the farmers market until well into the evening. Everyone there seemed to know who Phil was. Only one person aside from Ellen recognised Dan.
It was perfect.
~-~-~
“You are awful at dancing,” the King commented with a smirk as Dan danced around the room and pretended to be some sort of rock star.
He dropped to the floor behind the couch with a squeal of shock and embarrassment, “Dad!” He yelped as he heard his father began to chuckle.
As Dan peeked his head over the back of the couch he watched his father raise his eyebrows at him, “You know you’ll start to have galas again soon? Where you’ll need to dance…” The King trailed off, and allowed Dan to finish the sentence for himself.
Dan stared at him mortified, “But I can’t dance!” He exclaimed as he leapt to his feet, his tired brain finally realising what his father meant.
At that moment Phil walked in with a basket full of Dan’s now clean clothes and several of Dan’s possessions which found their way around the castle.
The King turned on him and Phil nearly dropped his pile, “Y-your Majesty!” He stammered in shock.
The King smirked and Dan recognised the look on his father’s face, he had an idea.
“Philip?” He said, and turned on Dan’s best friend who placed the basket down so he wouldn’t drop it.
He stood up slightly straighter, “Erm yes sir?”
“Do you know how to dance?” The King asked and all of a sudden Dan knew where this was headed, he wanted to curl into a ball and cry.
Phil glanced at Dan in confusion who merely shrugged lightly and tried not to blush too heavily, “No sir,” Phil replied honestly once he realised Dan wasn’t going to help him out at all.
The King nodded as though that was the expected answer, “Good. I’ll book you two a dance lesson, I know Daniel will never be able to learn without a partner and it would be an interesting learning experience for you Philip.”
On that note the King spun on his heel and walked out of the room, leaving behind a very embarassed Dan and a shocked and confused Phil.
~-~-~
He could feel Phil’s heart as it thudded against his chest they were pressed so close together, the dance instructor clapped at them to begin moving their feet in time to the music.
Dan took a deep breath, and tried to distract himself from Phil’s breath he could feel fanning against his face whenever they stepped.
I’m so fucked
He thought as Phil giggled lightly, their feet constantly trodding on each other.
The dance instructor tsked at them whenever they stepped out of time or tripped over feet but Dan couldn’t find himself to care.
Phil’s heart rate picked up as Dan finally looked up from the floor, although that was definitely due to the speed they were moving at, neither of them were exactly what you would call fit.
As Dan made eye contact with Phil and found himself staring into those beautiful blue seas that were Phil’s irises he tripped, which sent both boys flying to the floor in a mass of limbs.
Dan landed on top of Phil, and burst into a fit of giggles as the dance teacher sighed in exasperation.
“You need to focus,” she said simply, although she clearly knew this was a lost case.
Dan nodded in apology and rolled off Phil as his cheeks began to heat up, he hoped Phil would blame it on embarrassment and not the close proximity of their faces.
That was the last thing he needed.
“Try again,” she said calmly.
17
Princess Cecilia curtseyed politely.
“It’s lovely to see you again Dan.” She smiled sweetly.
He smiled back, despite the fact that he was there against his will, “Likewise.”
“I’m very grateful that you chose me to court with.” She sounded genuine.
His intentions were not. In fact it was completely his mother’s idea.
If he had a choice he would be dating Phil.
“No problem. You seem lovely.”
It wasn’t a lie. She did seem lovely, but that didn’t mean that Dan wanted to date her.
He definitely didn’t want to date her.
“When will we have our first outing?” She asked.
The question was understandable but it still made Dan want to cry.
“When will suit you?” He asked politely.
She shrugged delicately, “Tonight?”
No
“Yeah sure,” he heard himself say.
“Great!” She pecked him on the cheek, “See you then!”
Dan wanted to scream.
~-~-~
He was pretty sure that the world was taunting him.
Firstly, he had to go on this date in the first place.
But secondly, the person he wanted to be on a date with was waiting it.
Of course.
Phil smiled at him as he placed the dish in front of Cecilia, “Here you go.” He said to her with one of his beautiful smiles.
“What is it?” She asked, the resemblance to James there and then gone in a second.
Dan felt a stab as Phil’s face dropped, “I don’t know I’m just the waiter.” He placed Dan’s plate in front of Dan.
“That’s alright Phil, there’s a menu beside your arm Cecilia.” Dan said with a tight smile.
He could see that Phil knew it was a fake smile.
“So, when did the servant start living here?” She asked with a slight incline of her head.
Phil came back in at the moment to pour them a glass of lemonade. His face made it clear to Dan that he had heard the question.
“Phil and I grew up together. His father is the King’s Advisor.” Dan explained, emphasising Phil’s name. Cecilia nodded politely, her face unreadable.
“Who’s your best friend?” He asked to make the conversation move.
She waved her hand dismissively, “Her name is Maria, she’s the daughter of a Duke.”
“Oh okay.” He muttered.
“Yours is the servant boy?” She asked.
He nodded, was that not already obvious?
“His name is Phil.” He told her for the second time that evening.
“Sorry.”
He couldn’t tell if she was genuine or not.
They had finished their meal and were sat on the windowsill beside the table.
“I’ve had a great time tonight,” She smiled at him, they were incredibly close.
He forced himself to stay still, to not move as far away as he could.
“Me too.” He smiled gently. Despite the fact that it was a lie.
Then her lips were on his.
He froze against her, eyes wide open.
She didn’t seem to notice, her eyes were closed and her lips were soft.
They pulled apart.
She had slightly tinged red cheeks and he felt awful because he would never feel the same about her.
“Goodnight Daniel.” She kissed his lips once more.
He felt the same way he had the night last year, before Phil took him to the market.
He wanted to scream.
But he didn’t.
~-~-~
“You didn’t look like you liked that,” Phil smirked, as he lounged backwards shirtless on Dan’s bed,
Dan tried not to focus on how stunning his bare chest was.
“No I didn’t like that at all.” Dan replied as he fell onto his bed with a groan.
Phil raised an eyebrow at him, “Is there a reason?”
“Yes, there’s so many reasons.” Dan pouted.
Phil gave him a look to say tell me .
Dan found himself ranting, “I don’t like her brother first of all so I don’t want to be related to her family. Also what if she’s like him? She’s already rude to you! Plus why would I want to have a girlfriend for fucks sake! I can’t use the excuse of being too young now because I’m seventeen! What am I meant to tell my mum now because I can’t tell her the truth that I want a boyfriend.” He realised what he said and halted to a stop.
Phil looked slightly surprised but then he nodded, “You should just tell her.”
“You don’t care?” Dan spluttered.
Phil looked slightly offended, “Why would I care? I’m bi after all.”
Does that mean we have a chance?
Dan wanted to ask.
But he didn’t.
He just smiled and said, “Cool.”
~-~-~
There was a wedding he was attending in three days and he didn’t want to take Cecilia. Luckily for him it turned out she was sick. Unluckily for him he now needed to bring someone and he had no idea who.
“Why don’t I bring you!” Dan yelled out of nowhere.
Phil nearly dropped the iron he held in his hand at the abrupt noise.
“To what?” He asked casually, as he resumed ironing Dan’s shirt.
“The wedding!” Dan exclaimed and leapt to his feet.
Phil stared at him as though he had lost his mind, “I’m a servant, it’s not my place”
“You’re going to be the King’s Advisor! It’s like a business thing or something.”
Dan was probably insane but he didn’t care.
“You’re insane.” Phil said but he a grin covered his face, “But it might work.”
His mother wasn’t happy to say the least.
“It would be a great work opportunity for him Mum.” Dan reminded her and she sighed heavily.
“Ok fine, but only because you don’t have a plus one.” She went back to the files she had on her desk without another word.
He ran away as quickly as possible, before she could change her mind.
~-~-~
The wedding was extravagant and beautiful. Something even more beautiful was Phil in a suit. Dan couldn’t look away from him. The black suit he wore made his eyes pop with bright blue, his navy blue tie complemented him perfectly. Dan wished that he could grab him by it and kiss him on the spot.
But of course he didn’t.
“Thank you for coming Daniel.” The newly wedded princess greeted him, she turned to Phil, “And what is your name?”
Phil smiled awkwardly, “Philip.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” She smiled before gliding off.
“Posh people always glide.” Dan muttered.
Phil chuckled, “You don’t glide.”
“Thank god.”
They both laughed loudly which caused a few couples to stare at them strangely.
Dan shoved Phil in the arm playfully, “I’m glad you came with me.” He admitted.
“I’m glad I could come. Three days without you, would’ve been unbearable!” Phil joked.
Dan laughed softly.
A princess curtsied as she passed and they both bowed politely in response. Dan tried not to think about how much he loved Phil acting like a prince.They were hovering awkwardly, and their stomach’s grumbled from lack of food. Finally a waiter approached them with a tray of sandwich and they both took one gratefully. Dan noticed that Phil gave the waiter a bright smile.
“I know how awkward it is to be that guy. He deserves encouragement,” Phil shrugged.
Dan repressed the want to kiss him right there and then. With his considerate heart and beautiful eyes, it was difficult not too.
“Understandable, I’ll keep that in mind.” Dan replied.
Phil smiled at him.
Suddenly the music changed into a well known waltz tune. The newly-weds started the dance, the bride’s large dress swept around the room. Dan enjoyed watching the beautiful display until everyone began to join in. It was then that Dan and Phil realised they were the only pair that weren’t a couple.
“Do we just-“ Phil mumbled.
“Yeah yeah we could… I mean,” Dan stammered in response.
Phil shrugged, “Should we join or stand or do we erm…” He scratched his head awkwardly.
“Let’s just…”
“We should…”
“Yeah ok…”
They stood to the side and watched.
Dan wanted nothing more than to take his best friend by the hand and join in.
For them to be a couple and it to be fine.
But they didn’t and they weren’t.
Dan sighed gratefully when the music came to an end. The couples split apart with a smile and resumed polite banter.
“That was…” Dan trailed off and left the sentence unfinished.
Phil nodded in agreement.
They both stared at each other before bursting into a fit of laughter.
“Only we could be that awkward.” Dan gasped, doubled over.
A duchess glared at him as though he had personally beheaded her family.
He couldn’t care less.
~-~-~
They’d had many sleepovers in their life, but they hadn’t shared a bed since they were young.
This room had clearly been booked for Dan and Cecilia.
Not Dan and Phil.
Phil’s cheeks were slightly tinged red as he mumbled, “So, which side do you want?”
“Left I guess?” Dan replied, dropping his bag to the floor.
Phil watched him drop it, “I probably should have carried that for you.” He said.
Dan looked up at him in shock, “What? Why?”
“I work for you…” Phil trailed off as Dan shook his head at him.
“Not for this weekend.” Dan told him with a grin, “Technically you’re my plus one!”
This was so much worse than Dan expected, he was hyperaware of every movement Phil made.
He could hear Phil’s light breaths as they puffed out of his lips, he couldn’t help but imagine about what would happen if he rolled over and kissed those lips.
“You need to stop this Dan,” he whispered to himself, and luckily Phil was in too deep of a sleep to hear him.
However he couldn’t make himself want to stop, he really liked Phil and maybe that was okay.
~-~-~
When they arrived home they went to Cecilia.
“Dan!” She exclaimed, her nose red and her eyes puffy.
“I need water.” She snapped at Phil.
Phil’s eyes widened in shock.
“I-I’m off duty right now but you can call-“
She sighed irritably, “I want water. You are a servant aren’t you?”
“Y-yes…” Phil stammered.
“Well then,” she shooed him off.
Dan shot her a dirty look, “No he’s off duty he doesn’t have to get you water.”
Phil shook his head, “Don’t worry, I’ll be back in a second.”
He shot Dan a comforting smile over his shoulder while he walked away.
“I missed you!” Cecilia exclaimed.
Dan shook his head, “You can’t treat people like that.”
She sighed, as though disappointed in him, “He’s a servant Dan, it’s his job.”
“He’s my friend,” Dan walked away as Phil rounded the corner. “Don’t give her the water Phil,” Dan said as he stopped Phil from walking into the room.
~-~-~
Dan officially hated Romeo and Juliet. Phil however seemed entranced, which gave Dan the perfect opportunity to watch him without being caught. He looked so beautiful, sat on the couch beside Dan.
“We would be like Romeo and Juliet if we dated.” Phil said absentmindedly.
Dan froze in shock.
“How so?” He asked with a forced casual air.
Phil shrugged, and turned the page, “Well forbidden love. Prince and servant aren’t exactly ideal.” He continued to read.
Dan was conscious of his mouth hanging open.
How would he usually react?
“So you’d only date me if we were both princes?” Dan joked.
Phil shook his head, still focused on the book, “No I’d date you anyway.”
It was then that he seemed to realise what he said, he froze cheeks so red they could be cherries.
“Are… are you serious?” Dan spluttered.
Phil nodded slowly, eyes still glued to the book, but his eyes were no longer moving.
He finally looked up, “I mean if you want me to be?”
Was this happening?
“Yeah I do.”
They had moved closer.
Dan was very aware of every movement made by either of the boys.
“Promise you’re not playing some awful joke.” Dan said softly, they were so close that Dan could see the specks of yellow in Phil’s eyes.
“I promise. Do you?” Phil whispered, Dan could feel Phil’s breath on his face.
“Yes. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to kiss you.” Dan said, eyes locked with Phil’s.
Phil laughed gently, it tickled against Dan’s face.
“Go for it.”
They closed the small gap that was left.
Phil’s lips pressed gently against his and Dan’s eyes flickered closed as they touched. It was gentle, as Phil’s lips only just touched his. However Dan was hyperaware of every place their lips were pressed together. Every place their bodies touched.
They were both inexperienced at kissing, Dan knew for a fact this was Phil’s first kiss, he wished it was his but he had been kissed by Cecilia so unfortunately no. It was amazing anyway, the way their lips ghosted against each other. As they mirrored each other's movements, and their noses brushed together.
Phil pushed him away suddenly, and Dan felt his chest constrict. He was an idiot, of course Phil would never want him.
“You’re meant to be falling in love with Cecilia.” Phil gasped, eyes wide with worry as he stared at Dan.
The knot in Dan’s chest evaporated immediately.
He merely rolled his eyes in exasperation, “That was never going to happen.”
“Good,” Phil smiled and he slid forward until their lips collided once again.
This time it was stronger, more forceful. As though Phil was trying to remind himself that Dan was actually kissing him. Their lips were like fire against each other, soft and forceful. The fire didn’t burn him, instead it ignited itself inside of Dan and warmed him from the inside out. He brought his hands to Phil’s chest, bunching his shirt between his fingers.
Phil smiled into the kiss, which caused it to end far before Dan wanted it to.
However when Phil cupped Dan’s face in his hand while he pulled away, Dan couldn’t help but lean into the touch. His hand warm, as it encased Dan’s cheek. Phil smiled at him as though he was the most beautiful person in the world, just the look made Dan blush heavily.
“How long?” Dan asked, in an attempt to take away from the blush on his cheeks.
Somehow Phil seemed to know what he meant, “You were sick when we were fourteen…” He trailed off into a laugh as Dan’s eyes widened. “What about you?”
“My first gala.” Dan admitted.
Phil laughed gently and pressed their lips together softly, “This has taken far too long in that case.” He mumbled, the words tickled against Dan’s lips.
Dan threaded his fingers through Phil’s hair, moving his lips against Phil’s clumsily. Phil didn’t seem to mind, if anything he sighed into the kiss.
Both boys happier than they had ever been.
~-~-~
“I have to work.” Phil mumbled against Dan’s lips.
Dan pouted, sticking out his bottom lip. Phil chuckled as he poked the lip back in, the same way he had been doing since they were young.
“I do still work for you Dan.” He laughed while he stood up.
“But why,” Dan groaned.
Phil rolled his eyes, “Come on you royal pain.” He offered a hand to Dan.
“Really?” Dan narrowed his eyes at him, but took the hand anyway.
“I’ll see you in two hours for your fitting.” Phil smiled at him and kissed him once more before he left.
Dan grumbled as he glanced at the clock.
Fuck
He had promised to help Cecilia with her geography, which was currently ranked in last on what he would like to do.
But he had no choice.
With impressive speed he collected his geography books and ran down the corridors, narrowly missing a maid.
“Sorry!” He called over his shoulder.
~-~-~
Betty, the seamstress, glanced at her watch, “Ok I have an appointment with your father Mister Daniel. I will be back at two pm. Philip, help him pick embroidery.” She instructed, already halfway out of the room.
“You look really nice.” Phil said with a smirk once she had left.
Dan was stripped down to his boxers. A flush crept up his neck and onto his cheeks.
“Th-thanks.” Dan stammered.
Phil cupped Dan’s flaming face in his cool hands.
“You’re blushing,” He told Dan.
Dan’s blush deepened, “I know.”
Phil pressed their lips together gently, light as a feather.
“You’re cute when you’re awkward.” Phil teased, and poked Dan in the dimple.
Dan pecked Phil on the lips, “I’m never awkward!” He gasped in false shock.
Phil rolled his eyes, but didn’t object to the kiss Dan placed on his lips.
Dan smiled against the kiss as Phil pulled him closer. Cold hands trailed along Dan’s bareback.
“We need to pick embroidery.” Phil mumbled.
Dan groaned but pulled away anyway.
They sat too close for best friends, but that was okay because that’s not all they were anymore. Occasionally Phil would turn and plant a kiss to Dan’s cheek, directly on his dimple.
Dan would turn as crimson as the silk beside them. When the light clicked on in the hallway, signalling Betty’s return they slid away from each other.
Dan could still feel the warmth on his side where Phil had been.
~-~-~
Cecilia grumbled something about how much she hated English.
Dan wanted to sigh heavily, they had nothing in common. Yet whenever Dan tried to find a way to tell her that she dismissed him. She seemed to think they had a chance, despite the fact that Dan had begun to reject any date ideas.
“Would you like to go to the museum on Saturday?” She asked as she looked up from her book.
Dan shook his head, “No thank you. Phil and I are going to have a sleepover.”
Her face darkened at the mention of Phil, “Gosh you should just date Phil instead.” She said sourly.
The words hit Dan a little close to home.
“You and I aren’t dating Cecilia.” He said, staring pointedly at his book.
She seemed slightly shocked, “I know…”
“You said I should date Phil instead. ” Dan pointed out.
There was a long pause before she replied with a turned up nose.
“I was just pointing out that you seem to love a servant boy more than a princess.”
Dan clenched his fingers around his book.
“Whatever,” he hissed through clenched teeth.
I definitely do.
~-~-~
“Can I watch?” Phil asked.
Dan looked up from the piano, his hands still rested on the keys, ready to play.
He smiled, “Yeah sure.”
Phil shuffled across the room and sat beside him.
Dan flexed his fingers before he begun to play, they glided across the piano. A soft melody began to form but he found himself slightly distracted by Phil beside him.
“You’re really good.” Phil murmured and pressed his lips against Dan’s temple.
Dan felt his cheeks heat up.
“Thanks,” he replied as the tempo sped up.
Phil rested his head against Dan’s shoulder. It made it harder to play but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.
They laughed as had to lean across the piano to play the next note and bumped into Phil while doing so.
“Oh fuck it!” He exclaimed throwing up his hands, he connected their lips a little too quickly, so their teeth clacked together slightly before it grew soft again. He revelled in the way Phil gasped in shock before he reciprocated. His hands threaded themselves through Dan's hair. Lips heated as they gently pushed and pulled at each other’s. Dan’s hands were cupping Phil’s cheeks, after a couple of days practise they had begun to get the hang of how to kiss. Both learnt they were certainly not against a bit of tongue every now and then.
“I promise I was intending to just watch you play piano.” Phil giggled when they pulled apart.
Dan shrugged, “This is fine by me.”
He slid along the piano bench so that their bodies were pressed up against each other. His body heated up in every place that it touched Phil’s but he didn’t really mind. Phil’s lips were against his again and his head spun. He felt his knees go weak and was relieved they were sitting down. He leaned into Phil anyway, pushing their bodies even closer. Phil licked his lip tentatively and Dan gasped, his lips parted just enough to allow Phil’s tongue access. Dan brushed their tongues together which pushed Phil further along the seat.
They both jumped apart as Phil accidentally leaned on the keys. Mouths swollen and panting slightly.
“I blame that on you!” Phil exclaimed, his eyes glowed in the dimly lit room.
Dan stared at him, “Me? You were the one who did it!” He pointed out.
“If you didn’t make me so dizzy I wouldn’t have slipped backwards,” Phil smirked, as he moved closer again.
“I am a good kisser.” Dan replied with a slightly lopsided grin.
Phil laughed airily, “Care to demonstrate?”
~-~-~
Saturday couldn’t arrive fast enough in Dan’s opinion.
With the amount of time his mother was forcing him to spend with Cecilia, he barely got to see Phil.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Cecilia asked, as she pressed a kiss to his lips.
Dan froze, his fists clenched beside his body as her lips touched his. It felt tense and uncomfortable yet Cecilia smiled as she pulled away.
“Er… yeah? Listen I’m not sure I’m okay with kis-”
“Bye Dan!” She exclaimed as she ran towards her brother, James, who had just arrived. Dan seized the opportunity to leave.
He ran into his room where Phil was waiting. Leaping on his boyfriend, they fell onto the bed in a tangle of limbs. Phil pressed their lips together and Dan’s heart soared. His head spun as their lips parted slightly.
“Hi,” Phil said with a small smile.
Dan laughed and pressed their lips together gently, “Hi.” He mumbled while he cuddled into Phil’s chest. The warmth enveloped him as Phil cuddled him closer. He breathed in the scent of cleaning supplies and raspberries.
“I’ve missed you.” Dan whispered, his cheek still pressed up against Phil’s chest. He never wanted to move again, would be happy to spend his whole life there.
Phil chuckled and pulled Dan up so he could see him, “I missed you too, but it’s only been two days.”
Dan rolled his eyes, and leant slightly closer so their lips were connected. It was a gentle kiss, filled with affection and love. Just kissing to remind each other that they were together. They loved each other.
“Idiot.” he mumbled against Phil’s lips.
Phil chuckled, and it made Dan’s stomach flip, “Royal Pain.”
“You want the left again?” Phil asked later into the night. Dan tucked under his chin, head rested against Phil’s chest. They were sharing a bed again, but this time it wasn’t weird. This time they were boyfriends. Dan flushed as Phil pressed a gentle kiss to his hair.
He nodded, “Can’t guarantee I won’t be mostly on your side though.” He added as he snuggled further into Phil.
Phil smiled, it was so bright Dan thought he might faint, “I can deal with that.” He snickered, and kissed Dan on the nose lightly. Dan felt his cheeks turn a bright red and he buried his face in Phil’s neck.
“You’re an idiot.” He mumbled, unable to help the grin that spread across his face.
“You can talk.” Phil chuckled.
~-~-~
Dan groaned as his pillow shifted beneath him. Wait what? He opened his eyes to see Phil smiling down at him, even without glasses he seemed to look at Dan as though he was beautiful. This of course made Dan flush an extreme shade of red.
The morning sun made Phil’s eyes sparkle as they stared at each other. Dan could hardly believe how lucky he had gotten.
“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen,” Phil mumbled, his words slightly slurred since he’d only just woken up.
“I beg to differ,” Dan teased, and tilted his head so he could kiss Phil on the neck, just below his chin. Phil murmured something unintelligible about cute curls, which Dan assumed was in reference to his hair, as it was usually straightened.
Dan liked Phil when he had only just woken up. His hair was messy and his eyes were slightly glazed over.
“I wasn’t sure you were ever going to wake up,” He murmured and rubbed his eyes with a grin.
Dan smiled as Phil fumbled for his glasses, “Good morning to you too,” He joked, as he poked Phil in the cheek.
“I don’t want to move,” Dan mumbled and clung tighter to Phil.
There was a short pause before Phil replied, “Me neither.” He wrapped his arm around Dan as though it would protect them from the outside world.
If Dan could pause that moment for the rest of his life he would.
But he couldn’t.
They had to move.
Just not yet.
~-~-~
“You look unusually happy.” Cecilia commented as Dan slipped onto the table beside her.
He scoffed, “Wow thanks.”
She rolled her eyes in exasperation, “It’s not a bad thing. Just different. What happened?”
“Nothing just happy I guess…” Dan muttered, despite the fact that he knew exactly why he was happy.
The memory of Phil’s face squished into his pillow made him smile just thinking about it. She furrowed her eyebrows at him in disbelief but didn’t say anything.
He took the moment of silence to start to study for his exams coming up. His laptop turned on slowly, droning as it lit up. While he waited, Cecilia leaned onto his shoulder.
“Did you miss me yesterday?” She asked with a bat of her eyes, long lashes fluttering.
Dan felt his breakfast rise in his throat.
“Of course.” He replied half heartedly.
She smiled, seemingly satisfied with that response and moved away.
“How was your… sleepover?” she said sleepover as though it was a rotten word.
Dan took a deep breath for patience, “It was great. We had a lot of fun.”
“Did the servant sleep on the floor?” She asked innocently. Dan had to physically clench his fingers under the table to not punch her.
Dan glared at her, “ Phil shared my bed actually.”
Her mouth formed a small ‘o’.
“I… okay then.” She smiled icily.
Dan smiled back, but his was genuine.
The sooner she understood the message, the better.
~-~-~
Phil’s hand was warm in his. He couldn’t help but think about how strange it was that they had been dating for a month.
Phil seemed to be on the same train of thought, they often were.
“It’s been a month.” He smiled.
Dan nodded as he watched the red and yellow leaves rustle in the wind.
“It has,” he tugged Phil along, running towards the willow tree at the back of the orchard.
When they were concealed beneath the leaves Phil pulled him close.
“Happy one-month-a-versary!” He announced with a short peck to Dan’s lips.
Dan smiled back at him, “Happy one-month-a-versary.”
They connected their lips softly, hands rested at each other’s waists. Every time Phil kissed him Dan felt like flying. The kiss started slow and gentle, before it grew urgent and passionate. Hands threaded through each other’s hair, lips soft and insistent. Phil pushed Dan against the tree and Dan gasped in shock.
“Wow someone is stronger than they think,” he smirked, as he leant forward to connect their lips again.
Phil chuckled against the kiss but didn’t break them apart.
When they pulled away for air he grinned, “Years of work tend to do that to a person.”
Dan rolled his eyes, and pulled Phil towards him again. Glad that he was leant against a tree as Phil swiped his tongue along his lip gently. Dan felt his knees wobble so that he was practically clinging to Phil in order to remain upright.
Despite Dan being taller he always ended up lower in the kiss, as Phil’s lips made him go weak. He sighed as Phil pushed his head back against the tree, their lips barely broke apart for seconds, which left them both breathless and panting.
“Happy anniversary idiot.” He said as he rested their foreheads together.
“Happy anniversary, you royal pain.” Phil replied, eyes closed as his nose brushed against Dan’s.
Dan leaned forward and pressed their lips together, far more gentle than before, the kiss said everything he couldn’t put into words.
The boys were too caught up in each other’s lips to notice Cecilia as she walked along the path.
She turned red with anger as she saw Dan kissing that ‘servant boy’.
With a flourish she turned around with a plan ticking in her brain.
If she got rid of him, Dan would be hers.
~-~-~
“Where’s your jewel brooch Dan?” His mother asked shrilly, marching into the room with a glare at any of the maids in the room. The maids hurried out as though they might die if they remained any longer. His father entered slowly after her, a reasonably placid expression adorned his face.
Dan looked up in shock, “What? It’s missing?” His jewel brooch was an ancient heirloom, worth millions, if not billions of pounds.
“Yes! It is missing Daniel!” She shrieked, while she looked around the room as though it might be lying there ready to be found. Dan winced at her loud tone.
His father laid a hand on his back, “Julia,” he looked at the queen sternly, “It’s not Dan’s fault. We’ll work it out.” He told her gently, Dan gave his father a small smile of thanks, which was easily returned. However, the jewel itched at the back of Dan’s mind. It was worth a lot of money. If someone stole it…
Dan watched his mother take a deep breath of patience, the same way he did when stressed. She pressed her fingers to her temples and inhaled heavily.
“We need to check the servants.” She said with forced calm and dropped her arms to her side as though they were too heavy to hold up. Dan nodded numbly, still in shock at what had happened.
“We need to check Phil first. He could get to them easiest,” His father looked at him, as though asking if Dan was okay with it.
Dan wanted to say no automatically. However he knew Phil would be fine, there wouldn’t be any danger in it. If he said no he would need a reason, and he wasn’t ready to admit they were dating. He wasn’t sure how long it would take until he would be ready to tell his parents, or at least his mother.
“Okay.”
~-~-~
Phil looked up at the royal family in shock as they approached. His eyes wide and concerned. Dan offered him a reassuring smile and he could see Phil relax slightly.
“Lester, we need to check you for possible stolen property.” Phil’s face slipped as the words left the Queen’s lips. He glanced at Dan as though to check if this was true. One little glance told him that Phil was in a state of shock.
Dan didn’t say anything but he could see Phil understood the little quirk of his lip.
Dan watched as Phil nodded shakily.
A guard member stepped forward and checked him over.
Dan felt incredibly flustered as he watched the guard pat down Phil’s body. He wanted to scream, “That’s my boyfriend, do you mind?”
Of course he didn’t say anything, how could he?
Suddenly both the guard and Phil froze.
With a slow movement a brooch was pulled out of Phil’s pocket.
Dan’s world collapsed.
Phil looked up at him, eyes full of fear.
All Dan felt was pain.
Tears spilled over his face, and flooded down his cheeks.
“I swear I wouldn’t… I don’t know why that’s there- Dan…” Phil stammered, moving towards Dan.
Dan backed away, and shook his head.
“Don’t.” He muttered before he ran off.
Filled with fury, pain and an ache in his chest that wouldn’t go away.
~-~-~
The tears soaked his pillow but Dan wasn’t sure whether he cared or not.
“Dan?” His dad knocked on the door.
He sobbed and let out a croaky, “Come in.”
He could hear his dad walk over to the bed, but he didn’t bother to look up.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked and Dan shook his head into the pillow.
His father stroked his back gently and Dan felt his body relax slightly.
“Were you dating Phil?”
Dan sat bolt upright in shock.
“Y-yes.” He muttered and wiped his eyes, there wasn’t any point in lying. His father would never judge him anyway.
He nodded slowly, “Yes, I thought as much.”
“You did?” Dan looked at his father’s calm expression in confusion.
He smiled in amusement but it was saddened, “The way you looked at him Dan. I’m sorry.”
Dan nodded, aware that he was crying again.
Phil had betrayed him.
Was he only dating him to get to the jewels?
What was the point?
He let out a loud sob.
Dan’s father pulled him close and wrapped him into a warm hug.
He shook with pain as he remembered how Phil had done it before.
“I’m so sorry.”
~-~-~
Phil tried to lock eye contact with him. Dan was looking anywhere else in the room but his eyes, those beautiful blue eyes that shone like a crisp morning.
He choked back a sob, he wouldn’t cry again.
“Dan, please sit down.” His mother instructed with a kind smile.
He knew that his father hadn’t told her, but she still knew Phil was his best friend.
Used to be his best friend.
Dan bit his lip to distract himself from the stinging in his eyes.
He also noticed Cecilia was there.
She gave him an apologetic smile, it didn’t quite reach her eyes.
But she had never liked Phil, so that didn’t surprise him.
His mother started the meeting with a clap of her hands.
“Mr Philip Lester, you were found with a jewel of the kingdom. How do you explain yourself.” She asked.
Dan could see Phil visibly swallow heavily, “I would never steal from the kingdom. I’ve been framed I swear.”
His mother furrowed her eyebrows but his father didn’t seem shocked by this presumption.
“Daniel when was the last time you were out of your room without Philip?” He asked Dan.
Dan tried to think about what he had been doing last night. First he had gone and met up with Phil, his eyes stung with tears as he remembered the way Phil had kissed him over the piano. Had he done that to distract Dan?
Phil had left and Dan had continued to practise. He actually managed to get stuff done with Phil gone, although he had missed him, it hurt to remember. “I played piano.” He said, as he stared at Phil. Attempting to keep any traces of sadness out of his eyes.
He must have succeeded as Phil shriveled under his glare.
“Where were you when Daniel was playing piano Lester?” His mother asked with a glare at Phil.
Dan saw Phil’s face blanch and that was all he needed to see.
“I-I was doing the dishes…” he stammered nervously.
Eyes locked with Dan’s but they would occasionally flit away. Dan wondered whether Phil was trying to tell him something, if he was Dan didn’t want to know.
“Ella,” His mother said as she turned to the maid nearby, “Go get Cook please.”
As the words left his mother’s lips Phil turned even paler. Dan didn’t think that was physically possible and yet he watched the colour drain from his face.
“Don’t bother. He wasn’t doing it.” Dan mumbled.
He had learned every expression, memorised every inch of Phil’s smile, he knew every spot of colour. Dan knew that Phil was lying. He was broken from the pain, but he wasn’t going to protect Phil if he didn’t care anymore.
“I wasn’t stealing it.” Phil promised, eyes filled with tears.
“Stealing is a major act and it must be punished accordingly.” His mother said crisply, as she completely ignored Phil.
Cecilia nodded in agreement.
Dan wanted to punch her. She had no right to even be there. To give her opinion, to even smile at Dan. She had no right and Dan wanted to kill her for being right about Phil.
He decided to clench his hands until his fingernails were dug deep into his flesh instead of punching her.
“I guess it depends on you Dan, he is under your command.” His father turned to him.
Phil’s eyes begged with him.
“Dan…” He whispered, “Please. I would never…”
Dan’s eyes stung with tears, “You did Phil. It’s too late now.”
He turned to his parents, “I’d say firing him.”
Dan watched as Phil crumbled under Dan’s words. He cried silently into his hands.
It broke Dan’s heart to watch.
No Dan.
He betrayed you.
~-~-~
Dan woke up on the day exactly two weeks after Phil had stolen Dan’s jewel.
The sun was still in the sky.
Birds still twittered and whistled outside his window.
Yet Dan felt empty.
Phil had once lain beside him in this bed. Their limbs tangled together, the warmth radiated between them as they slept.
The bed didn’t feel the same, he doubted it ever would.
He had considered buying a new bed, new sheets, new everything. Goodness knows his family could afford it.
It didn’t seem right though, the idea of throwing Phil away.
No matter what he had done.
Dan rolled over and buried his head into the pillow beside him with a groan. It still smelled like Phil. Fuck.
He grabbed it and threw it across the room, it hit the wall with a thump and nearly knocked a painting off as it did so.
He automatically regretted it, and leapt to his feet to run and retrieve the pillow that smelled like the boy he missed so much. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he clutched it to his chest and breathed in the scent that he missed so badly. That he hated himself for missing at all.
He got to his feet, placed the pillow on the bed and tried to ignore the way his whole body shook as he let go of one of the many reminders all around him of Phil.
“Why did you do this?” He sobbed, as he clutched his chest to attempt to hold it in place. Phil would never hear him, would never know, but it helped to ask.
Every day since well… Phil well… Dan had gone straight to the bathroom to scrub away the tears, which left his skin red raw as he remembered the way Phil had comforted him when he was sick. All those years ago. Even back then, Phil had always been there.
Dan didn’t know how to function without him.
He had never had to do so before.
Memories of kisses with freshly brushed teeth danced around Dan’s brain until he was back to not being able to breathe.
Fuck he hated this.
~-~-~
He couldn’t go to the orchard, or the pond, or the dining room, or the courtyard. Everywhere Phil stood in the centre of his mind. Dan couldn’t shake him.
The last place he hadn’t tried was the library, so he decided he would go there now.
“Where are you off to Mister Daniel?” Alexis, his personal servant, asked. Dan had told her not to call him that, but to no avail.
He shrugged, “The library.” He said simply.
She smiled at him, “Doing a little tour of the castle aren’t you?” She laughed softly.
Alexis was new to the palace, she had worked in a restaurant nearby for most of her life.
She had soft brown hair which didn’t quite reach her shoulders, as though it wasn’t sure whether to be long or short. Her skin was slightly tanned and she was a reasonably large woman, overall she had a similar look to a giant teddy bear. Dan had discovered very early on that she wasn’t sure how to deal with Dan’s breakdowns, since she barely knew why he was so upset, as Dan hadn’t told her. He assumed no one else had either, although he could never be sure.
She had never met Phil, unlike all the other servants who had practically raised him. Dan wasn’t sure how to tell her what had happened without making the pain worse, he already cried himself to sleep every night. He didn’t need more than that. He had opted to letting the other servants comfort him instead.
Cook had let him sit in the kitchens when it had all gotten to be too much. Most of the servants had known about their relationship due to walking in on a kiss or just guessing so he felt more comfortable with them now that… well now anyway.
“Er... yeah... I guess so. Ok bye.” He hurried off before the situation could grow to be more awkward.
The library it turned out was even worse. Although Dan hadn’t thought that was possible.
Every time he looked at a book he remembered something about Phil.
He had loved horror, Dan thought as he saw a horror book.
As his finger traced over the spine of a blue book Dan felt tears spring to his eyes, they were the exact shade of blue as Phil’s eyes.
He slumped to the floor, and clutched the blue book to his chest.
Maybe if he held it hard enough it would bring Phil back.
He could hold him in his arms again instead.
“Help me,” Dan whispered fingers gripped around the book so tightly he would probably leave dents in the hardback.
“Oh!” He heard a female voice exclaim. A female he did not want to speak to right now, Cecilia. “Dan. Are you alright?” She asked as she slipped down beside him.
Did he look fucking alright?
“M’fine,” he mumbled into his arms, the book still held firmly in his fingers.
“Do you want me to read to you? Take your mind off it?” She asked.
Dan went to say no, but he realised it actually would help.
He shrugged, “Actually yes please.”
She opened her book and begun to read, “If I profane with my unworthiest hand. This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this: my lips, two blushing pilgrims- Dan?”
At the familiar words Dan had begun to sob.
Romeo and Juliet.
Oh fuck.
If nothing else would make Dan crumble to pieces it was this book.
“Stop reading… please,” he gasped between tears.
“He’s not worth this Dan.” She muttered, as she stroked his arm gently.
He stood up and walked away without another word.
Because he was.
He loved him, and he never told him.
~-~-~
“Daniel it has been two weeks. He was nothing more than an awful friend. You will practise piano and that is the end of it.” His mother scolded, her hands on her hips as Dan protested.
With a sigh he nodded, “Yes mother.”
He didn’t give her a chance to reply before he walked away, towards the piano room.
As he sat down on the familiar seat of the piano he felt four different emotions.
First was relief, he had missed the familiar keys beneath his fingers.
Second was sadness, Phil had sat on this seat beside him, he had kissed his cheek and distracted him from what he should be doing.
Third was anger, Phil had taken away everything he loved when he left, piano, reading and mostly himself.
Fourth was happiness as he begun to play, the familiar rhythms on the sheet music floated through the air and calmed him.
Tears streamed down his cheeks endlessly. They dried out his eyes and wet his cheeks.
However for the first time in two weeks, Dan felt close to happy.
~-~-~
It had been four months since Phil had left and Dan didn’t feel better.
If anything he felt slightly worse.
“Daniel! It’s been a while,” A duchess greeted him with a smile. She turned to Cecilia who was on his arm, “And who is this young lady?”
Dan smiled, “Too long!” He faked, “This is my… partner,” He still choked on the word partner.
“I’m Cecilia.” She said with an elegant smile and a small curtsey.
Dan nodded along.
“Well it’s lovely to meet you Cecilia, and to see you Daniel.” The duchess bid them farewell.
He absentmindedly looked around the room for Phil. Before he remembered with a stab that he wasn’t there.
This is why he had avoided parties.
“Dan!” James’ voice greeted from behind.
Cecilia turned around to greet her brother with a hug, Dan was relieved to have her off his arm.
“Where’s your boyfriend?” James asked with a sneer.
The word made Dan want to collapse to the floor in sobs.
Cecilia looked at him worriedly, like she knew something she shouldn’t. Dan didn’t think much of it.
“He’s not around any more.” Dan said with tight lips.
James raised an eyebrow at him but otherwise made no remark.
“What a shame, I was hoping for a wine.” He smirked.
Dan clenched his hands into fists, in an attempt to calm himself down.
He forced a casual shrug, “You’ll have to ask someone else. I need some air.” Cecilia looked like she wanted to follow him but he walked away without another word.
~-~-~
The air was crisp and the wind stung his eyes.
Or maybe they were tears.
He was vaguely aware of someone coming out onto the balcony.
“Dan?” His father asked gently.
Dan nodded and he came and stood beside him.
“It’s been four months. I know it’s hard, but sometimes it doesn’t work out.” The king sighed heavily, and turned to face Dan, who avoided his eye contact.
“It can take longer than four months to get over love.” Dan mumbled.
18
“You told me to take you to my happiest memory,” Dan growled, “So here we are.” He brandished his arm to the small marketplace.
Cecilia sniffed primly, “I didn’t think it would be so… grotty.” She complained.
Dan felt the familiar stab of longing for Phil as she moved to kiss his cheek gently.
“Could we go back?” She asked pleadingly.
He shrugged, “You can if you want. I’m going to stay for a bit.”
She rolled her eyes before striding off towards the castle.
He buried his hands deep into his pockets and tried not to think about how much he missed Phil. The marketplace was a constant reminder of him, yet Dan couldn’t bring himself to leave so quickly.
“Dan!” The scone man, whose name had slipped Dan’s memory exclaimed.
Dan couldn’t tell if he looked happy or nervous.
“Hi! Could I get a fruit scone?” Dan asked as he tried to be casual, and prayed he wouldn’t ask about Phil.
“Of course my boy of course!” The man exclaimed as he handed him a warm scone.
Dan took it gratefully, the warmth wonderful on his icy fingers. He muttered a thank you before he wandered off.
Despite the market being his happy place, he couldn’t think happy thoughts. Cecilia wanted to marry him.
He missed Phil.
Phil.
Fuck that was Phil.
Phil was stood in front of him and Dan felt his stomach constrict.
Everything seemed to slow to a stop as those beautiful blue eyes locked with Dan’s.
“Phil,” he whispered unknowingly.
Dan wanted to run up to him and kiss him.
But he also wanted to scream at him.
Why did you ruin it?
Everything was perfect!
He did neither of those two things.
They merely stood there, and stared at each other for who knows how long. Dan wasn’t sure he would ever be able to move again.
Finally Phil broke the serene trance they had found himself in by mouthing, “Jewels make you look tacky.” His black fringe flew around his face in the wind.
Dan furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Phil didn’t say anything, he just turned and walked away. Dan could have sworn he had seen tears in his beautiful blue eyes.
Suddenly he remembered
“Jewel cufflinks or silver?” Dan had asked Phil, as he turned to his friend who might have been strewn out across the bed.
He had held up his ruby cufflinks.
Phil had screwed up his nose, “Definitely silver, jewels make you look tacky.”
“Really?” Dan had replied putting down the rubies and picking up the silver.
Phil nodded as he helped Dan attach them to his shirt.
“They look like you’re saying,” Phil had spoken in an over the top british accent that had made Dan laugh, “Woop di doo I’m a prince! I have money and jewels yay!”
Phil had shrugged, “Well then, don’t wear jewels they’re tacky and I hate them.”
“Jewels make you look tacky.”
“Jewels make you look tacky.”
“Jewels make you look tacky.”
Why would he steal a jewel when he hated them?
Had someone framed him?
Why would anyone frame Phil? He would never do anything to hurt anyone.
There was no point…
Names and faces ran through his mind.
His Mother?
Another servant?
James?
Cecilia.
Jesus Christ.
It was the only option that even made sense.
But why?
Dan paced back and forth and chewed on his lip in concentration.
Unless she knew about their relationship it wouldn’t make sense to do anything, there was no reason.
She had always hated Phil but framing him?
What would be the point?
He groaned in frustration and ran a hand through his already messy hair.
Maybe she had found out about them?
Oh fuck.
Dan ran home as fast as he could, his feet pounded on the gravel as he dashed towards the palace.
~-~-~
“YOU FRAMED HIM!” He screamed.
Cecilia jumped so high she nearly fell off the couch she was stretched out on.
“Wha-what are you talking about Dan?” She gasped, and placed a hand over her heart in shock.
His mother glanced up from her book in surprise.
“How could you?” He hissed, “I was so happy. You ruined it all.”
Cecilia turned as white as a sheet.
“I d-don’t know what you mean.” She stammered.
Dan shook his head angrily, “I didn’t even think about it.” He growled, “I should have realised.”
“Daniel?” His mother said gently, “What’s wrong? What do you mean?”
Cecilia was sat on the couch, her shoulders tense and her eyes the size of saucers.
“She framed Phil,” he pointed to her, “and I was so stupid to not see it.”
His mother stood up and approached him cautiously.
“Where has this come from?” She asked.
Dan took a deep breath to calm himself.
“I met Phil in the marketplace.” He started, Cecilia made a move to cut in but Dan held up his hand, “That’s when I remembered. Phil hates jewels.”
Cecilia’s face turned even paler if that was possible, which confirmed Dan’s guesses.
“Why would he steal a jewel when he hated them?” He asked rhetorically. “It doesn’t add up. Why? I was so fucking happy Cecilia…” he trailed off as a sob caught in his throat.
His mother was stood next to him now, a hand rested on his back. The same way his dad did when he needed comfort.
“Did you frame Philip?” She asked Cecilia, a small frown creased into her forehead.
Cecilia nodded as she burst into tears.
“Why?” Dan asked, because how had she known?
She blubbered for a bit before she replied, “I wanted to be your partner Dan,” she sobbed, “I wanted you to love me like you loved him.”
His mother started slightly at that comment but Dan ignored her.
He shook his head in disbelief, “You would ruin my life and happiness, just so I would date you? Because yes you’re right, I loved him.”
I love him he thought to himself.
“I wanted you Dan.” She attempted to redeem herself.
“I was so happy.”
He ran off without another word, anger pulsed through his body like a fire.
~-~-~
With a scream he threw himself onto his bed.
Alexis, his personal servant, darted in with a start.
“Are you alright sir?” She asked nervously.
He sat up so he wouldn’t make her too uncomfortable, she wasn’t the best with emotions, “I’m fine Alexis. I’ve just been an idiot that’s all.”
She nodded slowly, clearly thinking hard about something, “What happened?” She asked and slipped onto a chair beside his bed. It was such an out of the ordinary act, he couldn’t help but be shocked.
“Oh, I didn’t realise something huge and I might have lost my best friend forever.” He explained.
She nodded again, as she wriggled into a more comfortable position, “Tell me everything.”
Suddenly Dan found himself telling the whole story, starting from when they were ten.
~-~-~
How he had ended up back in the marketplace Dan had no idea.
He just needed to walk, to get out of the palace. Away from his mother’s worried and confused gaze, Cecilia’s false apologies. He needed to get away from it all. So he had ended up in the marketplace, without any purpose to be here. Although he supposed his subconscious would want to see Phil.
“Back again Dan?” The scone man asked, Dan was once again too awkward to ask his name so he just nodded. “Is Phil here?” He asked before he could stop himself.
He instantly regretted it, because the scone man smiled knowingly. As though he knew Dan would ask that.
“I don’t know, but he works in the store across there.” He said as he pointed to a music store across the marketplace. Dan thanked him before he walked over to the store.
It was a cramped tight space, but cozy and warm. Due to it being a market stall there were no proper walls or anything of the sort. Instead sheet music and small instruments lined the outer walls. Dan felt himself drawn to the piano music as soon as he walked into the area. There was a boy behind the counter who looked around Dan’s age, he started as he clearly recognised Dan.
“Your Majesty,” He said before he bowed lowly, Dan nodded at him politely before he continued towards the sheet music table.
“C-can I help you with anything sir?” The boy asked nervously. He glanced around the shop as though it was going to jump out and murder Dan. Which of course made Dan uncomfortable. He looked around for what might be making the boy nervous, but there was nothing.
“Er no I’m alright,” Dan replied with a kind smile. The boy nodded and just as Dan turned back to the music he was looking at he heard someone else speak, a very familiar voice.
“Okay Max you can go on your break… now,” Phil trailed off as Dan looked up at him. He felt his heart stop as he stared into those beautiful blue eyes. He hadn’t gotten to see him properly for so long and doing so now felt like being stabbed. His hair was messy and hurriedly swept into his familiar fringe, his eyes were more blank than Dan had ever seen them.
“I-I’ve been on break for too long anyway.” Phil finished as he turned back to the boy behind the counter.
“Are you sure? I don’t mind if you go for a bit longer.” He said in response, Dan felt awkward as he watched this whole exchange, yet he couldn’t rip his eyes away from Phil. He didn’t have his usual glow, but he seemed to harness all the light from the open market stall anyway.
“No no, go on your break.” Phil shooed the other boy out, before he took his place behind the counter, and stared at the laptop screen intensely, completely ignoring Dan.
“Phil I…” Dan muttered, Phil didn’t look up.
Phil continued to jab at the cashier keys, each time he did it Dan winced at how hard he was pressing.
“I’m sorry.” He finished, Phil continued to ignore him. He may as well have shot him for how much it hurt.
“I’ll leave.” He mumbled and walked out of the store without a second glance.
He didn’t see Phil look up, tears welled up in his eyes. Dan had to physically run to get out of the marketplace before he broke down crying. He collapsed to the floor, each sob burned in his chest.
Knees pressed hard into the gravel path although he could barely feel them past the throbbing in his chest. He was crying so much that he felt like he might cough up a lung, but he couldn’t stop. Every time it began to slow he would remember Phil’s face when he saw Dan. The way his eyes had widened in fear. The way he didn’t look the same as Dan remembered because he was as broken as Dan was.
He wasn’t sure how long he sat there crying, knees hugged to his chest as sobs wracked through his body. However it must have been a reasonably long time because the boy from the shop, who he thought was named Max came back.
“Your Majesty?” Max asked, as he crouched down beside Dan. “Are you alright?”
Dan shook his head, “I’m fine, please leave.” He croaked, the tears almost slowed to a stop from embarrassment.
“Prince Daniel can I just say-” Max started again but Dan cut him off with a glare to the side.
“I said please leave.” He repeated angrily, sobs threatened to escape again, he turned his head back to his knees and buried them.
“Fucking hell your Majesty listen to me.” Dan looked up in shock as the profanity left Max’s lips. The boy was staring at him so intensely, with possibly more anger than Dan himself.
“I could have you locked up for that.” He mumbled, as he wiped his eyes hurriedly.
Max shrugged, “But you won’t.”
Dan had to fight back a snort of laughter, because of course it was true. He would never lock someone up for swearing in front of him.
“Look, I don’t know much about Phil’s life before he came here. All I know is, he lived in the palace, he fell madly in love with someone, it didn’t work out.” Max looked at him pointedly as Dan’s resolve slipped.
“Today, was the first time I saw any real emotion in his eyes.” He shrugged, “When he said he fell in love with someone I thought it would be a maid or something. Apparently it was the prince.” Max looked at him, and waited for a denial.
He wasn’t going to get one from Dan.
“He hates me.” Dan said, and cringed at the way his voice cracked pathetically.
Max shook his head with a sigh, “He loves you.”
At that he walked away before he seemed to remember something and turned back around, “Keep trying by the way. He deserves it, and I think you do too,” and with those words in the air he left.
Then Dan was alone again, as a few more tears leaked from his eyes, trailing down his face.
Now however, he had hope.
~-~-~
He wasn’t sure why he constantly ended up at the marketplace. Although he assumed it was Phil, as he drew him in like a magnet to metal. Somehow he found himself purchasing a coffee for both him and Phil, despite knowing he didn’t have the bravery to go up to him. He couldn’t be ignored again, it destroyed him in a way he never knew anything could, as it ripped through his soul like the claws of a large animal and scratched and destroyed every ounce of happiness he might have had left.
Yet he had bought a coffee for Phil, with no way to give it to him.
Luckily, or unluckily, Dan still wasn’t sure, Phil was on his break, which meant Dan only had to deal with seeing Max, who admittedly shot him a weird look as he held up the coffee.
“For Phil,” Dan explained, as he passed the cup to Max over the counter.
The boy stayed silent for a long time, just staring at Dan as though he had gone insane, before he shrugged.
“Leave a note on the cup, something so he’ll know it’s from you.” He said with a sly smile, before he left the cup of coffee with a pen and gave Dan a bit of privacy to write the note. Dan nodded uselessly, the longer he took hanging around the stall, the more likely Phil would come back. Then Dan would have to go home and cry again after being ignored. Instead he uncapped the pen, and ignored the way his hand shook slightly as he scribbled a note.
As he ran away he bumped into Phil, who stared after him in shock. Dan felt pins and needles explode where they touched, and he wished he could kiss Phil again. Wished Phil was his and he was Phil’s.
For now, a note would have to do.
Dear Romeo,
I’m so sorry
I was wrong
From your Juliet
~-~-~
He scribbled notes like a madman, Phil had distracted him from the upcoming talks he had to do. As his coronation became a foreseeable future, much of Dan’s time was taken up learning the things he hadn’t yet been taught. A hand laid itself on his back, warm and comforting.
Dan looked up at his father and smiled, “Cramming for the speech?” The King asked as he slipped into the chair beside Dan.
He nodded, “Yeah.” He mumbled, too busy scribbling down on cue cards to properly talk.
“Dan?” His father mumbled, and Dan looked up from his laptop he was currently reading off. “Your mother told me about… Cecilia.” He said calmly.
Dan felt his lunch rise in his throat at her name. However he managed a tight lipped smile. “What about her? The fact that she stabbed me in the back or something else?” He asked sarcastically.
His father looked at him worriedly, “Dan…”
“I’m fine.” Dan cut him off.
He watched his father debate whether or not he should roll his eyes at Dan, before he seemed to decide that it would be fine. He gave Dan a heavy eye roll before he responded, “I’m the King, my servants tell me when my son is crying his eyes out and screaming until his voice is hoarse.”
Dan swallowed heavily at that remark, after he saw Phil in the marketplace he had cried until he didn’t think he had any more liquid left in his body and screamed until it hurt to breathe, as though it would bring Phil back, as though he could fix everything. Alexis had just let him be as she didn’t to be the person to disturb him.
For that Dan was very grateful.
“Okay so not completely fine.” He admitted, and avoided his father’s kind gaze.
However there was only so much silence he could take before he was forced to look up. The King was simply watching him, as he waited for an explanation.
“I saw Phil in the marketplace, understandably he was pissed and wouldn’t talk to me. He ignored me and I-I feel awful.” Dan muttered at an incredibly fast pace.
He had barely finished the sentence before soft arms were being wrapped around him. Dan sunk into the embrace.
“You’re going to be ok,” His father whispered.
Dan wasn’t sure whether to believe him or not.
~-~-~
He stood in the safety of a stall, hidden from sight where Phil wouldn’t be able to notice him. This wasn’t the first time this week that Dan had snuck into the marketplace to watch Phil, occasionally he would try to work up the courage to talk to him.
He never did though.
“Do you want anything sir?” The lady in the stall asked and he shook his head hurriedly, before he moved into the next stall instead.
From behind a stack of books Dan peered over to Phil. He was talking to a customer enthusiastically, his beautiful smile not as wide as usual. Yet it was still there. Just seeing it made Dan’s tense shoulders relax and his stomach flip. He needed to stop watching Phil, while being here made him feel happy, tonight he would be left to sob into his pillow. As he wished he hadn’t been an idiot, hadn’t practically thrown away the only person he loved.
For now though, he couldn’t force himself to leave.
Couldn’t look away from those beautiful blue eyes, the closest Dan had seen to happy since… since they were together. He could see what Max meant, Phil’s emotions weren’t as strong as they used to be. His smile was only half there, his eyes didn’t sparkle with happiness the way they used to. He just didn’t look as alive.
That was Dan’s fault.
Another stall owner looked about ready to approach him, he took that as the cue to leave.
As he left the store and as Phil saw him his eyes that Dan loved so much widened in shock.
Dan ran away, as fast as he could.
~-~-~
He was scrolling through Tumblr, as he took a much needed break from the endless responsibilities when Cecilia tapped his shoulder. He didn’t even bother to hide the growl that came from his throat at the contact. She backed away slightly under his murderous gaze, but mostly stood her ground.
“I came to apologise but you can’t really blame me?” She said with a heavy sigh, Dan stared at her in shock. She couldn’t be serious?
Yet she stood there, face genuinely serious.
He stood up, unable to keep the anger out of his eyes.
Body quaking with anger, “I can’t really blame you?” He hissed. She shrunk away as he loomed over her, his tall height a perfect angle to terrify her.
“Then who do I blame Cecilia?” He said her name as though it tasted foul in his mouth, which wasn’t entirely false.
“It w-wouldn’t have w-w-worked out. Servants can’t d-d-d-date princes.” She stammered, trembling in front of him.
Dan attempted to reassemble his face so it was less furious, however he couldn’t do it.
“It would have worked out. We loved each other, anything else could have been sorted out. You ruined it Cecilia, not us.” He leveled his glare with hers, and was met with frightened green eyes that flickered in shock as he added, “Leave me alone, I don’t want to speak to you. Not now, not ever.”
She stammered out some unintelligible answer before dashing away. Dan watched her go with a satisfied smile. He knew that there was no way he could focus on Tumblr now that his mind was on Phil, so he decided to head to the marketplace. When he checked the time on his computer he grinned, Phil would be working now. He had been so many times now, that he had memorised Phil’s schedule. He wasn’t sure whether what he was doing was stalkerish, but it hadn’t been intentional. Besides Max had told him most of it anyway. He slammed his laptop closed, deciding that the servants could put it away, he left straight for the marketplace.
~-~-~
As he ducked straight into a fresh produce stall as he saw Phil, Dan couldn’t help but grin. His hair was slightly messy, he had clearly been having a rough day. Dan must have gotten the timetable wrong as Phil was clearly about to take a break. He watched as he headed over to the scone stall, running a hand absentmindedly through his already messy fringe. Dan would have been lying if he said his heart didn’t jump at that small movement.
Everything Phil did made his heart jump, apparently it did the same for a skinny girl with blonde hair who Dan could never compete with. He felt his heart thump for an entirely different reason as she approached Phil with a plastered smile.
Phil seemed shocked to see her, but not altogether upset. He probably knew her, she was probably his girlfriend for all Dan knew. Phil was bisexual after all, he had told Dan that all along. However it stung like a wasp, when she took him by the bicep, and led him away from a very surprised scone man. Dan would have to learn his name again, he felt awful. They chatted seemingly happily, although Dan was slightly too far away to hear exactly what they were saying. He considered moving closer, but since he was currently toeing the line of stalker he decided against it.
Instead he opted to listen to Phil laugh from afar. It wasn’t the same beautiful laugh Dan had grown to love. It wasn’t the one where he stuck his tongue out and giggled loudly, but a lot had changed. He wouldn’t have been shocked to hear that Phil’s laugh had as well.
He swallowed his jealousy as she laid a hand on Phil’s heart, the world seemed to rock. She smiled up at him, and whispered something in Phil’s ear which he couldn’t hear.
He shouldn’t care, should have known Phil would have moved on.
They weren’t together any more.
Still, he was being stabbed repetitively in the chest every time the girl smiled at Phil.
The same Phil, Dan was desperately head over heels for.
He actually choked on a bit of vomit when she kissed him on the cheek gently.
Dan had hoped however that he would push her away, not lay his hand over hers. Phil smiled gently at the girl and said something to her.
Tears dislodged themselves from his eyes.
He tried to scream at himself in his mind, What were you expecting to happen? Of course he’s moved on! Why would you get your hopes up?”
It wouldn’t work though, it didn’t stop the tears. Or the feeling of his hopes being ripped to shreds.
Dan ran as fast as he could, his blood pumped in his ears, and tears streamed down his face.
He could have sworn he heard his name being called after him.
However it was just his mind, as it tortured him some more. Pretending Phil would ever want him after what Dan put him through.
A cruel kind of torture.
~-~-~
Phil wiped his sweaty fringe out of his eyes, aware that it was probably a mess. He caught himself looking around for Dan and kicked himself.
“No Phil. He hurt you.” He tried to tell himself, even though he knew it was useless.
He was still madly in love with Dan, and it would be a lie if he told himself otherwise.
Max smiled at him gently as he returned from his break, “I’ll take over. Go get a scone or something.” He said and nudged Phil out of the store.
Usually Phil would have argued, but they had been so busy today. He took the break with open arms. He ducked out of the music stand he worked in and crossed the marketplace.
His hair was falling in his eyes so he ran a hand through it without thought. That would have made it even more knotted and messy than before, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.
Not truly at least.
He smiled widely at Bryan as he approached, he knew it didn’t quite reach his eyes. He didn’t think Max had noticed how fake his smiles were as they had only met when Phil was broken. Bryan however, knew it all, and always gave Phil a worried smile.
Hence why Phil usually avoided this particular stall, despite the fact that he loved the scones and Bryan to pieces, “Er… the usual please.” He stammered.
Bryan didn’t say anything, for once his loud voice quiet as he surveyed Phil worriedly. He wasn’t sure what he would prefer, endless “Are you okay?” or silence.
However this thought was interrupted by a tap on his shoulder as he took his scones. He thanked Bryan before he turned around, to be faced with a girl who smiled at him in a way that made Phil feel uncomfortable.
Her blonde hair was tied into a ponytail and her eyes bored into his soul. He felt strangely defensive, had to physically bite his tongue to stop himself from saying “I have a boyfriend.”
Which he didn’t.
She took his arm by the bicep and dragged him away from the stand, and introduced herself while they walked.
“I’m Olivia,” she said in a surprisingly deep voice, “But you can call me Liv!” She added with a giggle.
Phil forced a laugh, he was polite after all. No harm could be done in being nice to her. So he smiled.
“Phil.” He replied. She was much shorter than him so he had to look down to lock eye contact. Her eyes were a striking brown, although as he looked into them all he could think was Dan Dan Dan .
They weren’t as beautiful as Dan’s eyes, his were a warm chestnut, hers a deep muddy shade.
She leaned close to whisper in his ear, he struggled not to grimace as her breath tickled his neck, “You’re very handsome, Phil.” She purred his name.
He felt bile rise in his throat, sure he liked girls but this wasn’t something he wanted.
Not when he couldn’t seem to get over Dan.
Especially not after Dan had turned up at the market eight months after their breakup.
No, he wasn’t enjoying this at all.
“Th-thanks,” he muttered, and laid a hand on her arm to dislodge her. Apparently she got the wrong message as she smiled and kissed him on the cheek. Phil froze in shock, she had kissed him.
Her hand was still on his chest, although he wasn’t totally sure when it had been put there. He laid his hand over hers and begun to take it off, noticing that she had bunched his t-shirt in her grasp.
As if the situation wasn’t bad enough, he heard a choked sob from not to far away.
His head whipped around to be met with Dan, tears streaming down his face. He ran away at a speed Phil didn’t even know Dan could achieve.
He shoved the girl away and started to run after him, “Dan!” He screamed after him.
The other boy however either didn’t hear, or didn’t care.
~-~-~
Dan felt like he was rotating in a fucking loop.
He felt happier.
He got hurt.
Sobbing until he couldn’t breathe.
Phil fixed him again.
He felt happier.
Neverending, constant.
Somehow he always ended up in his lounge room or on his bed, sobbing until he couldn’t breathe.
In these times, Alexis was amazing at comforting him.
She wouldn’t force him to talk, instead she sat beside him and let him cry. If he wanted to talk, scream, throw things. She would listen, give him a pillow to scream into and pick up broken vases or whatever else he had thrown.
Right now, he was just crying. Leant heavily on her shoulder, he let the tears wrack through his body, they spilt over his cheeks and onto her cardigan. Alexis didn’t seem to mind, which was a relief to Dan.
“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked gently, while she patted his knee in consolation. He nodded and sat up a bit straighter to look into her eyes.
“Am I bugging you yet?” He asked with a slightly watery smirk.
She just rolled her eyes, “What happened to make you a blubbering mess again?”
“A g-girl,” As he begun to tell her he choked on his words. She nodded, seeming to have all she needed to know.
“Oh Mister Daniel.” She murmured, and pulled him against her chest again. He sobbed quietly and remembered how Phil had placed his hand on the girl’s. How she had kissed him lightly on the cheek.
He was shaking from the pain the memories brought.
The way Phil had smiled down at the girl.
Stab to the chest.
He had grabbed her arm gently.
Stab to the stomach.
She had kissed him on the cheek.
Stab straight to the heart.
Sobs erupted from him as he clung to Alexis desperately.
If she minded she never told him so.
~-~-~
Dan was sobbing into his pillow until it was practically soaked through when Alexis returned.
She opened the blinds with a snap, causing bright light to flood the room.
“Up you get Prince Daniel.” She said while she bustled around his room.
He almost felt embarrassed about the state, before he remembered it was her job to clean up his mess. She had also listened to him cry for a good hour a couple of days ago. Still, the empty crisp packets and tissues were rather embarrassing no matter who was seeing it.
He didn’t say anything, but chose instead to groan into the pillow.
“You can’t stay here forever,” she scolded him.
He shook his head into the pillow, “You mistake my skills.”
Tears still flowed steadily down his face, as they had been for the last couple of days.
“Philip isn’t dating anyone.”
At this news Dan started and emerged from his pillow.
“Wh-what?” He mumbled and swiped away the tears as quickly as possible, although he was sure Alexis saw them.
She rolled her eyes at him in a motherly way, “My daughter is best friends with Max.” she explained, “he says that Mr Philip is completely and utterly single.”
She continued scooping his mess into a rubbish bag, “This news didn’t surprise Cook Martha at all, in her words you were both head over heels for each other .”
A blush crept up Dan’s neck and onto his face as she said that.
“So up! You’re going to the market and you are going to apologise to Mr Philip in person.” She shoved him off the bed.
He grumbled slightly but other than that didn’t argue, his brain was more focused on the fact that Phil didn’t have a girlfriend.
He was still single.
Not that Dan had any right to be happy about that, but he couldn’t deny the way his heart beat a little bit faster.
~-~-~
Dan felt his legs slow involuntarily as Phil came into view, he was working on the stand as usual. A piece of black hair fell in front of his eyes, his hands sorted through sheet music gently.
He looked so peaceful that Dan didn’t want to disturb him.
Didn’t want to see those beautiful blue eyes harden as Dan came into view, the eyes that used to soften when they kissed. However Phil decided that for him by looking up, their eyes met and Dan watched as they didn’t harden, but instead widened.
“Dan?” He asked gently and Dan did all he could not to run over to him.
“Phil…” he mumbled as he entered the stall, every thought he had ever had leaving him as he stared over at the boy he loved with all his heart, “I’m so sorry…”
Phil shifted uncomfortably, his eyes pooled with tears, “It was my home Dan… do you know how hard it is to be kicked out of your own home by the person you love most?”
Dan winced at the words, his own tears springing to his eyes. He felt himself nod, Phil stared at him, confused. Eyebrows furrowed behind his glasses, God, Dan loved his glasses.
“Yes, I do, because to me you were home and I thought you had kicked me out. I thought you didn’t care. I was so terrified and sad that I didn’t even think…”
He trailed off as Phil’s lips tugged into a small hesitant smile, “I’ve missed you.” He mumbled.
Dan found himself moving forward, he wrapped his arms around a tense Phil, “I’ve missed you too.” He whispered into Phil’s shoulder, who slowly relaxed in his arms.
A tear etched it’s way down Dan’s cheek as Phil’s arms wrapped around him, unsure but still there.
~-~-~
Dan wasn’t sure how he had ended up in the servant’s quarters in his pajamas. It was nearing three am but an idea had forced Dan out of bed. He shivered in the early morning iciness, voices could be heard from the night staff as they bustled around, making food and cleaning dishes. The Head of Staff’s office loomed at the end of the corridor, he shouldn’t feel scared of a door, he was the prince for crying out loud.
However he couldn’t deny the way his stomach twisted at the prospect of the awkward questions, of why he could think this was a good idea. He wrung his hands tightly, and drew his dressing gown tight around his body as he shook from the cold. This was for Phil, after all Dan had done, Phil deserved it.
He raised his hand and rapped on the door without another thought. There was a pause of silence where Dan held his breath then.
“Who’s knocking at this time of night?” Muttered the old man Dan only knew as Head of Staff.
The door creaked open and the man started at the sight of Dan.
“Your Highness!” He bowed, his nose nearly brushed the floor in his haste to be polite. “What brings you here at this hour sir?” He asked and Dan took a deep breath. This was what he had been worried about.
“Well, I actually have someone I want you to hire. Or rehire per say. Can I come in?” He mumbled quickly, he knew his words were a strange string in his sleep deprived state but he didn’t care.
The Head of Staff furrowed his eyebrows in confusion but nodded anyway, “Come on in,” he opened the door wide for Dan. Dan hurried in, the heater warmed his toes as he stepped onto the carpet.
“Thank you.” He said as the Head of Staff offered the plush armchair across from his desk.
The office was large, nearly the size of Dan’s bedroom. A huge filing cabinet towered on the left wall, timetables were plastered all over the remaining wall space, it reminded Dan of a criminal investigator in a tv show. Although these timetables were far less exciting than that he supposed. The sky was dark outside the small window above the desk and Dan yawned which reminded him of how late it was.
“How can I help you Your Majesty?” The man asked, and glanced nervously at Dan.
After yawning again Dan replied, “I would like you to rehire Phil Lester please.”
There was a long silence, where the Head of Staff stared at him as though he had gone mad. Dan stared back, despite exhaustion starting to hit him he was determined to fix this for Phil.
“Sir…” The head of staff began once he realised Dan was completely serious, “He stole from the royal family. Which is a huge crime, I cannot…” He trailed off at Dan’s steely gaze.
He was glad he could still look intimidating in his half asleep state, “Phil didn’t steal the jewel, he was framed. Please rehire him immediately.” Dan ordered.
Once again silence followed his words before the head of staff opened his laptop with a quiet sigh, “I will not be able to make him your personal assistant once again. He will be an ordinary cleaner,” he looked at Dan over his glasses to see if this was approved of.
Dan nodded, “That’s fine.” The Head of Staff paused for a moment, looking at Dan worriedly, “Sir. I don’t mean to pry but are you sure this isn’t because of you know…” At Dan’s embarrassed denial he nodded and continued.
When Dan left, his feet dragged along the carpet from exhaustion but he felt a tingle of pride in himself. Finally, for the first time in eight months he had done something right.
~-~-~
Phil was working the shop again, Dan felt awful as he begun to realise how much Phil had to work in order to maintain himself. He seemed to constantly be in the shop. Dan stood there and watched for a bit, debating how to go up and approach him. It stabbed at him to see how broken Phil still looked. While strangers may see him as peaceful, Dan could see the tiny crease between his eyebrows, the way his shoulders never quite seemed relaxed, how his fingers gripped the sheet music slightly too tightly. It seemed that he was worried it would blow away despite the distinct lack of wind. Even a breeze was absent from the air, it seemed spring had finally decided to arrive.
“Dan?” He heard his name being called out and his head snapped upwards to Phil’s face, who was staring at him in confusion. It didn’t slip Dan’s notice the way Phil’s voice cracked slightly when he said Dan’s name.
“Prince Daniel,” Max nodded, barely glancing up at Dan from his work. He did however glance at Phil somewhat nervously. Dan smiled at him as genuinely as he could, a wave of nervousness had suddenly overtook him. When he planned to come and tell Phil he hadn’t felt this scared. Now however he was beginning to question whether this was a good idea or not.
Maybe Phil liked his new job better? Maybe he never wanted to see Dan again. Dan wouldn’t blame him if that was the case.
Phil stood there and watched as Dan smiled half-heartedly, he shoved away the little burst of concern he felt at Dan’s nervous expression. He shouldn’t be able to tell from a tiny flicker of Dan’s smile that the prince was concerned. However, he could, and there was nothing he could do about it.
“Is there a reason you’re here D-Prince Daniel?” he followed Max’s example in calling Dan by his true title but he didn’t miss the small flinch Dan gave in response.
“Er... yes actually, I have news,” Dan mumbled.
Phil’s stomach dropped.
He should have known this would happen, Dan was bound to move on at some point. Phil himself was meant to have moved on. It didn’t feel like he had, at this point, when he realised Dan had finally found someone. He should feel grateful that Dan had even thought to come to him, but his world was crumbling anyway.
“Okay,” he managed to blurt out without a crack in his voice, which made him feel very proud.
Dan’s eyes narrowed slightly in confusion, it was such a small change that Phil knew Max probably wouldn’t even notice it.
“So I… well it’s just… ugh,” Dan burrowed his head in his hands, “This is so much harder than I thought it would be,” Phil heard him mumble into them. Max looked at him in confusion, Phil shrugged. Although he hated to admit it Dan’s awkwardness had always been Phil’s favourite part of him. Just seeing him as he bumbled and stammered over words the same as usual, made him want to cuddle him into his arms and press a kiss to his forehead. He mentally slapped himself, Dan had found someone else. He was meant to be past this.
“It’s fine, I get it.” Phil said softly, Dan’s head snapped up in confusion.
“Phil that makes zero sense,” he replied, and stared at Phil as though he had gone insane. He turned to Max, who wore a similar expression of confusion. Dan continued to stare at him, and seemed to wait for an explanation, Phil resisted the urge to look into Dan’s eyes. He knew no matter how much he didn’t want to, he would end up mesmerised by the rich deep brown of them.
Dan stood there waiting for Phil to explain himself, he could see Phil’s eyes dart around, as they looked anywhere but Dan’s own eyes. What Phil had said made no sense, so clearly he had misunderstood Dan, but Dan wanted to know what he meant.
So he waited.
Eventually Phil clearly broke under the silence muttering, “I thought you were telling me you were engag-” he broke off but had said enough for Dan to understand. He shook his head hurriedly, careful not to admit anything as he wasn’t sure how comfortable Phil would be with his true feelings. That he couldn’t imagine himself with anyone but Phil. The boy who would probably never trust him again, and rightfully so.
“No, it’s nothing like that. Much happier at least I hope it will be happier, you might hate it actually but that would be understandable,” he knew he was rambling again but couldn’t help it.
He stopped however when Phil held up his hands to stop him, the smallest smile tugged at the corners of his lips, “What is it?” He asked.
Dan felt his heart surge with want, he wanted to be able to kiss that smile like he used to. To wrap his arms around Phil because he just could. He pushed those thoughts to the farthest corner of his mind he bit his lip, “I got your job back at the castle. Or at least a job, not my p-personal assistant anymore.”
He watched as Phil’s mouth dropped open, forming the smallest oval possible. His bright blue eyes locked with Dan’s as he checked to see if Dan was serious.
“Please don’t mess with me,” Phil whispered, voice barely even loud enough to distinguish but Dan heard it anyway.
He shook his head softly, a small smile crept onto his face, “I’m not fucking with you. I went and spoke to the Head of Staff, you’ve been rehired.”
There was a pause, where Dan watched Phil’s eyes blink rapidly.
“Th-thank you so much,” he choked.
Dan grinned, but it felt slightly forced, he knew Phil was holding back his emotions. Probably trying not to be too vulnerable in front of Dan. Dan could understand that, it hurt, but he understood.
Max stared at them, mouth wide in shock. Dan turned to him, “I’m sorry if this is annoying for you or…” but he trailed off as Max shook his head harshly.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! Sorry your Highness but Phil please tell me you’re doing this!” He rounded on Phil who was gaping at him, tears glistened in his eyes.
Dan felt his heart hammer as he saw the wide grin on Phil’s face, every time Dan had come and watched Phil he hadn’t seen him this happy.
It was the old Phil, the Phil he loved and sorely missed.
“Of course I’m doing it Max I… thank you Dan,” he turned to Dan and his arms jumped outwards slightly before they closed again.
It was clear his first intention was to hug Dan before he remembered that he didn’t want to. Dan barely cared, his heart leapt at the fact that Phil had returned to his first name.
“You’re welcome,” he grinned as Phil leapt around eagerly.
~-~-~
Dan hated how awkward it was when they saw each other, he hated the way he felt a stab of pain every time Phil avoided eye contact.
That didn’t stop him from trying though.
He “somehow” found himself in the servants quarters when he knew Phil would be there, in the hopes of teasing some conversation out of him. He invited him to fittings, classes anything possible. Phil declined them all, but Alexis wouldn’t get off his back about continuing to try. She wouldn’t tell him why but he heard servants whisper about the boy crying in the toilets. He wasn’t dumb enough not to know who it was.
So when he made his way down to the servant quarters and found Phil washing up he took the opportunity.
“Hi,” he greeted Phil as he marched over and sat on the bench beside the clean up station. Servants jumped out of his way.
Phil glanced up at him, eyes wide in shock, “Dan? What are you doing down here?” He asked and continued to scrub at a plate. Dan shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant and not at all like he’d come down to see Phil, “Thought I’d see what you were up to since I was bored.” He swung his legs back and forth on the counter.
He enjoyed the way Phil’s mouth quirked into a smirk despite himself, “You’re unbelievable,” he shook his head, and turned back to the washing up. Dan laughed softly, he loved the way Phil’s eyes were sharpened with focus. He could see that they still weren’t as comfortable as they used to be but it was a step forward that Phil hadn’t closed off from Dan yet and he would take it.
“Remember when we came in here and filled up water balloons?” He prompted, feeling his muscles tingle as Phil started to giggle.
“And you burst one all over yourself?” He laughed, Dan watched with an amused grin on his face. Unable to stop himself from laughing too, Phil’s laugh was contagious.
“Hey! I remember you accidentally threw one at my head!” He retorted.
Phil snorted, “Accidentally?” He waggled his eyebrows and Dan gasped in mock horror, throwing his hand to his chest as though mortally betrayed.
“How could you!” He gasped and splashed Phil lightly with the soapy water.
Phil snickered before he did the same.
Dan sighed in contentment, Phil’s guard wasn’t all the way down, but he was laughing and mostly relaxed with Dan. Just the idea of Phil being able to talk to him without any walls built up again made Dan bubble with happiness.
~-~-~
The horse felt extremely uncomfortable beneath him, he knew it didn’t trust him and he doubted it ever would. Horse riding was Dan’s least favourite activity. He hated having to get up on a giant animal that definitely didn’t like him and trot around for an hour. However his mother insisted, and it was the one thing his father fully agreed on.
“You ready to ride?” The stable boy asked and glanced up at Dan nervously before he remembered who Dan was, “Your Highness?” He added, his voice shook nervously.
Sam, his name was and Dan was pretty sure he was only eight years old, the poor boy was terrified of Dan for some unknown reason but Dan liked him.
“Yep,” he replied stiffly, still terrified from being so high up on an animal who he didn’t trust, plus he doubted the horse trusted him. “Open the doors Sam,” he added politely.
Sam nodded, his blond hair bobbed on his head as he opened the huge oak doors.
“Thank you!” Dan called out as he began to trot out the doors, arms clung around the large horse, Mabel, for dear life.
Why horse riding was a princely skill he couldn’t understand, but he hated it. Had done since he and Phil were only young boys.
“Ok,” he muttered to himself, and clicked his tongue to urge the horse forward. She obeyed his order but far too quickly for his liking.
“Fuck!” He screamed as they raced forwards, he felt himself slip out of the saddle and he realised he hadn’t tucked his feet into the stirrups too late.
In that moment Dan was certain he was going to die as he flew over the front of Mabel. He shielded his face as she leapt over him.
“Holy fuck!” He shrieked while she raced away, “Fuck you, fuck you you fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.” He shook from adrenaline, lying on the ground.
His arms and legs ached all over from the fall, but as he flexed them he couldn’t seem to find anything that was broken or too badly injured. Sam raced out of the stable like a flurry of nervous energy.
“Oh my goodness! Your Highness! Prince Daniel! Are you alright?” He squeaked in terror as he bounded over to where Dan was lying on the ground, still quivering with fear.
At Sam’s fear though he sat up and attempted to ignore his sore arms, “I’m fine Sam,” he mumbled but the small boy shook his head nervously.
“No sir! Don’t get up! I’m going to go and get help okay sir? You might be badly hurt!” He explained, and jumped around in fear, at Dan’s nod he rushed off, small limbs flailing as he sped across the racing track.
Dan groaned and flopped back onto the hard track with a wince, everywhere ached.
Luckily he had seemed to miss all of the danger spots on his body, his pelvis, spine, ribs, head and even legs were still fine. That reassured him slightly, but the constant pain in his arms and legs made him want to cry. There was a small amount of blood resting on the surface, from where he had scraped along the ground. Mixed with dried mud and dirt he looked an utter wreck.
“He’s right over here!” He heard Sam’s nervous voice echo through the air as he ran towards Dan. “Prince Daniel!” He exclaimed once they were in talking distance of Dan, “I got help.”
He sat up his eyes squeezed shut to deal with the pain from his sore arms, the huge scrape along his right would sting that was for sure, “Thanks Sam,” he replied and opened his eyes.
There crouched right in front of his face was Phil, all the remaining breath whooshed out of his body.
“Ph-phil,” he mumbled, and winced as Phil hoisted him to his feet.
“Just as bad at riding as ever huh Dan?” Phil teased as he poked him in the side, Dan felt a tingle of joy as Phil teased him as comfortably as they used to.
Sam however looked beside himself with fear and confusion, “You called the Prince by his first name,” he stumbled over his words.
Phil turned to Sam in shock, as he accidentally pressed down on Dan’s arm Dan let out a gasp of pain. That was definitely going to bruise later.
Everywhere was probably going to bruise later.
“Sorry,” Phil mumbled to Dan before he looked back at Sam who was glancing between them in confusion, “Erm yes I did.” He shrugged simply, and wound an arm around Dan to help him on his feet.
Something appeared to dawn on Sam because his mouth dropped open, “You’re… you…” he muttered.
Dan shook his head gently, “Yes,” he whispered and Sad clamped his mouth shut.
Phil didn’t seem to notice tiny Sam’s revelation though as he helped Dan across the path.
“I’ve got him now thank you…” Phil turned to Dan for Sam’s name.
Sam, Dan mouthed and Phil nodded.
“Thank you Sam.”
Sam nodded hurriedly before he rushed off as quickly as his tiny legs could carry him.
Once Sam was out of earshot Phil turned to him smirking, Dan blushed as he realised how close they were.
“So you fell over the front of a horse?” Phil teased and Dan grumbled.
“Shut up,” he pouted, and banged his hip into Phil’s gently. He couldn’t deny the way his body buzzed in every place they were touching, as much as he was trying to get over his feelings for Phil. He couldn’t help it, not when he saw him every day. As they walked along the path, Phil continued to tease him and Dan felt his muscles relax slightly. Fuck, he’d missed this.
Out of nowhere he felt Phil tense, his arm that was around Dan’s waist clenched so tightly that Dan actually let out a little squeak of pain.
“What’s wrong?” He asked and turned to see the tree they were walking past. He felt a stab of pain as he realised what Phil was remembering.
Their one month anniversary had been under that tree, the long leaves had protected them from the world.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, burying his face into Phil’s shoulder.
He could feel Phil relax slightly, although sadly the walls had been built back up when they passed the tree. Phil didn’t say anything but he did tighten his grip on Dan slightly, pulling him closer and that was enough for Dan.
~-~-~
He let out a hiss of pain through his teeth and the nurse gave him an apologetic look.
Dan tried to convey to him that he didn’t care that much, not while Phil’s hand was clasped in his.
“You alright D-Prince Daniel?” Phil asked, Dan tried to hide the wince he gave when Phil used his full title. It felt like something was ripping at his chest. Even though he knew that it was probably only because of the nurse who was there, it still hurt.
“Yes I’m fine,” he mumbled through gritted teeth.
Every time the nurse dabbed at his scrapes it stung badly. He tried to remind himself that it could have been much worse.
He chose instead to focus on Phil’s warm hand in his own.
That only served to bring tears to his eyes as he begun to remember when this was normal.
When he could hold Phil’s hand in his own without the worry about how Phil was feeling.
Phil was watching him worriedly so he forced a bright smile, however that only made Phil more worried as his frown deepened. The nurse stopped dabbing at a particularly large gash on his arm and looked up at Dan over his glasses. “I’m going to go and log this in Prince Daniel. Then I’ll find you some medicine to help with the pain,” he stated, before he got to his feet and walked out of the room without another word.
As he left the room Phil turned to him, face screwed up in mock anguish.
“God forbid you ever break a bone!” He joked while he poked Dan in the ribs and cackled as he squirmed away.
Dan stuck his tongue out as Phil finally relented, “It was a traumatic experience!”
That caused Phil to giggle which had to be Dan’s favourite sound in the world, he missed the sight of Phil’s tongue as it poked through his teeth. His eyes bright with pure happiness.
“Traumatic,” Phil echoed, and rolled his eyes when he finally stopped giggling.
Dan nodded, unable to prevent the grin that spread across his face as Phil beamed at him.
“Remember when you tried to saddle a pony yourself?” Phil reminisced, Dan flushed at the memory, he remembered how the small butterscotch pony had ran away from him before he could get on, which left him on the ground in the splits as he’d just let go of the barrier.
“Ugh don’t remind me!” He groaned and buried his face in his hands.
That only made Phil laugh harder as he continued to remind Dan of all of his mishaps with horses, “No no Phil I can totally jump over that barrier,” Phil mocked, putting on an incredibly posh accent that sounded nothing like Dan.
“Hey! It’s not my fault you’re a natural,” Dan grumbled, Phil had always been a better horse rider than he, he had a secret knack with animals that Dan could only dream of. Although according to Phil the huge animals scared him, despite the fact his name literally meant lover of horses.
“Oh why thank you!” Phil grinned, and pretended to flip his hair in mock superiority.
Dan groaned and shoved him in the side which only made Phil burst into laughter once again.
~-~-~
Dan couldn’t deal with the pain of it any more, he felt like he was going to explode. Every time Phil looked at him his heart spluttered, he missed him so badly. No matter how much he tried to suppress the feelings they kept bubbling back up. Like a volcano inside himself. He couldn’t do anything though, he wouldn’t do that to Phil. He could see it just in the way Phil tried not to look at him that he didn’t fully trust Dan anymore.
Too scared to be vulnerable or hurt, and understandably so. While Dan didn’t directly want to hurt Phil, he was the one who kicked him out of his home, who didn’t trust him.
They’d loved each other, Dan could understand how that was a kick in the guts.
That didn’t seem to be able to stop him from actively searching for Phil at every opportunity possible.
After he had wandered aimlessly for a bit he found him in a small room, cleaning portraits and dusting.
“Hi,” he greeted as he entered the room, Phil looked up in shock a small smile etched across his face.
“Don’t you have anything better to do than follow me around?” He teased, Dan felt his heart burst as Phil shot him a cheeky grin.
He rolled his eyes, “I just wanted to talk,” he shrugged with over exaggeration, “But if you want me to leave.”
He began to leave the room but Phil’s arms seized him from behind.
Suddenly he found his back against the wall, Phil’s hands gripped his shoulders so tightly they felt as though they were being compressed.
He gasped as Phil pressed their lips together and Dan’s heart all but leapt out of his chest.
It was passionate and fiery, their lips burnt against each other, it was so much more intense and terrifying than anything Dan had ever felt but he loved every second. He loved the way Phil’s hands were had his shoulders pinned in place as they kissed. The way Dan could feel his heart beat against his ribcage, in complete denial that this could actually be happening.
God, he had missed this, Phil’s tongue swiped across his bottom lip and his legs wobbled beneath him, if it weren’t for Phil’s hands holding him up he would have collapsed. It wasn’t as soft and loving as any of their other kisses had been but Dan had missed Phil’s lips against his too much to care.
He felt like he was soaring and falling all at the same time.
Time had paused in this moment and Dan wanted it to stay that way forever, just the two of them with their lips, tongues, hearts and souls intertwined.
Phil’s lips said everything, they reminded Dan of the pain in the last eight months, of how much they’d missed each other. In the way they pushed and pulled against Dan’s he could feel the fear of losing Dan, even though they hadn’t regained each other.
Just as quickly as it had started Phil was jumping away from him as though he had been burnt.
“You can’t do that!” He exclaimed, was he tugged at his hair so harshly that Dan wanted to run forward and take Phil’s hands in his own, just so he would stop hurting himself.
He breathed out shakily, “Phil you kissed me…” he mumbled.
“I know!” Phil screamed back, shaking harshly from shock, “I know and it was stupid I shouldn’t- I can’t…” he broke of with a sob that crumbled Dan’s world.
He crumpled to the floor with his head in his hands and Dan could only stand there and watch as Phil sobbed.
“I’m so stupid…” He heard Phil whisper to himself between gasps and he felt himself move forward on reflex.
“No,” he shook his head, before he dropped to his knees beside Phil, “You’re not stupid.”
Dan laid a hand on Phil’s shoulder and sighed as he leaned into the touch, moving them closer together until Phil was in Dan’s arms.
“You’re the opposite of stupid Phil,” he reassured him, burying his face in Phil’s hair.
It broke his heart to hear his Phil crying, to feel his shirt dampening with his tears.
“I’ve missed you so fucking much Dan,” Phil sobbed, hands clutched onto Dan’s shirt as though he would disappear if he didn’t hold on tight enough.
“Fuck, I’ve missed you too.” Dan replied, as tears of his own spilt over his cheeks.
They sat there for God knows how long, just sat in each other’s arms.
When Dan finally heard Phil’s sobs slow to a sob he pulled him up in his arms so they were face to face. It broke his heart to see how red and tear stained Phil’s face was but he needed to say this.
“I know I fucked up, but I miss you more than you can imagine. I will never hurt you again I promise.” He said softly, Phil’s eyes were soft and vulnerable. Any walls he had built were gone and Dan had never felt so grateful for that.
Phil leaned forward and connected their lips again, softly this time.
It was filled with missed memories and sadness, Dan could taste the salt from their tears but it was okay. They were okay.
He smiled into the kiss, and pressed their foreheads together.
“I’ve missed you so much.” He whispered and a smile spread across Phil’s face.
Dan grinned as he watched a blush creep over Phil’s pale skin, “Missed you more.”
~-~-~
Words couldn’t describe the way Dan’s heart was soaring right now.
Phil’s limbs tangled amongst his own in his bed, their faces so close together that their breaths mingled.
He clutched Phil’s hand tightly in his own, loving the way their fingers twined together.
“It’s two in the morning Dan you need to sleep,” Phil grumbled, as he attempted a pout but just made Dan want to kiss him again, he looked so adorable and sleepy.
“I fucked up my sleeping pattern okay?” Dan replied with a devilish smirk.
Phil giggled, “You royally fucked up your sleeping pattern,” he snickered apparently proud of his awful pun.
Dan groaned loudly, “That is truly awful,” he complained not quite succeeding in forming a frown. Who could blame him?
After eight months without this he couldn’t help but smile.
“You’re awful,” Phil stuck out his tongue and laughed as Dan reached forward and kissed him on the nose. “Sap,” he teased as he poked Dan gently in the side.
Dan nodded, not willing to argue if it meant he could continue to kiss Phil on the nose, as he liked the way it made Phil’s face squidge up.
“Alexis seems nice,” Phil yawned, and wriggled closer so that his head was tucked under Dan’s.
Dan nodded in agreement, “She’s lovely, but she didn’t quite erm understand at the start…” he trailed off and hoped Phil wouldn’t make him explain.
He could feel Phil frown into his neck but thankfully he didn’t say anything.
“Did she start crying when I came in here?” Phil giggled lightly, Dan smiled as he remembered the way Alexis had started to sniffle before excusing herself from the room.
“Yeah she did,” he responded, and cuddled Phil closer so he could bury his face in his hair.
He heard Phil sigh into the touch, which made a smile blossom on Dan’s face as he pressed it into Phil’s hair.
There was a comfortable silence where Dan savoured in the warmth Phil’s body let off when he heard Phil whisper something that made his eyes snap open.
“Pardon?” he mumbled, knowing his heart was beating ridiculously fast against Phil’s back but there was nothing he could do to stop it.
He groaned as Phil shifted in his grip, flipping over so they were eye to eye, “I love you.” Phil whispered again.
This time Dan was certain he heard the words correctly. His mouth dropped open and his heart fluttered impossibly fast as he heard Phil, his Phil, say those words.
Those three words that felt like a universe to Dan.
“I love you too,” the words slipped out of Dan’s mouth so easily it felt like breathing, because it was true. He had loved Phil for so long now it barely felt like a revelation, but still to admit it out loud, to Phil, was exhilarating.
Dan’s heart thundered against his chest, and he knew Phil could feel it from the little smile that tugged at his lips.
“I love you Dan,” he whispered again, the words wrapped around Dan, warm and soft.
Dan leaned forward slightly and pressed their lips together, and sighed into the warmth of Phil’s mouth.
The kiss felt different, sweeter almost, like the words they had just spoken were now sewn into their kisses. The words filled Dan with the beautiful feeling of flying, soaring above clouds and beyond. As cheesy as it was, he would fly anywhere if it was with Phil.
Phil sighed happily as they pulled away, “I’ve missed that,” he grinned at Dan.
Dan felt his cheeks flush up and he buried his face in Phil’s neck.
“You look cute when you blush,” Phil teased, as he wrapped his arm around Dan which ruined any attempt of making Dan annoyed.
“Shut up,” he grumbled anyway and smiled as Phil giggled above his head.
“I love you,” Dan tested again, and loved the way the words felt on his lips.
He felt Phil smile, as he pulled Dan to his chest just a little bit tighter, “I love you too.”
~-~-~
Dan knew he’d missed Phil badly, but every time he saw Phil and remembered I can kiss him again. It made his heart jump and his fingers tingle. Phil seemed to feel the same way because Dan would constantly find himself being tugged into storage cupboards, bathrooms, empty hallways, just for their lips to be pressed together gently. He grinned when he heard Phil’s voice in his bed chambers, excited he would get to see him again but stumbled to a halt when he heard Alexis’ harsh tone.
“You’re being utterly ridiculous Mr Philip and I won’t stand here and listen,” she scolded him. Dan could practically hear her stern frown and crossed arms.
“B-but,” he heard Phil stammer, “Technically we haven’t-”
Dan was itching to hear the end of the sentence but unfortunately Alexis cut Phil off.
“No buts about it.” She tutted, Dan could hear her move around the room and Phil was probably helping her clean up, “You weren’t here Mr Philip,” she continued, her voice suddenly sad.
“What do you mean?” Dan heard Phil ask.
Dan pressed his back against the door to hear better, but also to stabilise himself. He wasn’t sure what they were talking about but his heart thudded uncomfortably loudly. Was Phil having second doubts?
He could only just hear Alexis sigh heavily, “You didn’t see every day, Prince Daniel crying over you. If he doesn’t mean I love you when he says it I don’t know who does.”
Dan felt a smile beam across his face as he heard Phil mutter, “Me.”
So he wasn’t having second thoughts, he hadn’t changed his mind.
Just that thought alone relaxed Dan.
He decided he’d done enough eavesdropping so he knocked on the door.
“Alexis can I come in?” He asked, pretending he didn’t know Phil was in there, as someone who hadn’t listened to their conversation probably wouldn’t know that.
“Yes Your Highness!” She replied, her voice had regained its usual enthusiasm.
Dan entered the door without another word, and smiled involuntarily as he saw Phil. Whether he knew Phil was in there or not he would have smiled.
There was nothing he could do about it, Phil was like a living ray of sunshine.
“I’ll give you two some privacy,” Alexis smirked as she the room.
The second the door shut behind her Dan leapt on Phil, and knocked him onto the bed.
Phil let out a yelp of surprise as they fell backwards but tightened his grip on Dan.
He regained his smile as they hit the soft mattress.
“Hello,” He grinned and Dan remembered when they’d done this last year. Towards the start of their relationship.
He beamed back, “Hi.” His smile slipped away as Phil’s face morphed into something more nervous. “What’s wrong?” Dan asked, as he placed a gentle kiss to Phil’s nose.
He laughed as Phil’s face squidged up the way he loved it to, “Nothing I’m fine,” Phil replied, but his eyes betrayed his true thoughts.
Dan rolled his eyes, “It may have been eight months but I still know you and you’re not fine,” he deadpanned and barely leaving a blink he added, “So what’s wrong?”
Phil sighed, an amused grin tugged at the corner of his lips, “Do you want to be my boyfriend?” He asked.
Dan’s eyebrows furrowed at the question, “Do you really need to ask?” He replied with a soft laugh.
However as he looked into Phil’s eyes he could see that he did, he still didn’t think that Dan loved him.
“Fuck, Phil. I swear I love you, more than you could imagine. Of course I’ll be your boyfriend. Fuck I want to be more than that one day.” He brushed the tears that had built in Phil’s eyes away with the pad of his thumb, “So don’t worry about that.”
Phil grabbed Dan by the shoulders and pulled him into a rough kiss, his lips smashing into Dan’s.
“Thank you,” he mumbled as they pulled away and Dan smiled in return, before he kissed him sweetly, because that said everything Dan couldn’t.
~-~-~
“But how would we tell your parents?” Phil asked, Dan risked a quick glance to look at him before he let his eyes flick back to the screen.
He was completely smashing Phil at Mario Kart, and didn’t want to lose his lead. “That’s a bit of an intense conversation to resume during Mario Kart don’t you think?” he mumbled, eyes still glued the screen.
He could see Phil shrug out of the corner of his eye, “It’s just on my mind,” Phil replied.
Dan smirked and paused the game so he could turn to face his boyfriend, “This is because you’re losing isn’t it?” He teased, and kissed Phil on the cheek.
Phil rolled his eyes, before he took Dan’s controller so he couldn’t go back to the game, “Not everything’s about Mario Kart Dan,” he smirked, reciting Dan’s mother’s favourite sentence from when they were twelve.
Dan grumbled but nodded at Phil to continue,
“I just want to tell them.” Phil began, “The secret thing didn’t work so well last time…” he trailed off and left the sentence to finish itself.
Dan couldn’t help but nod in agreement, he didn’t want to hide them again either.
“So…” Dan prompted, Mario Kart completely forgotten now.
Phil sighed lightly, “So I don’t think they would exactly welcome me as your boyfriend with open arms. Not after what Alexis told- I mean…” Phil stumbled, before he flushed bright red after he realised what he had admitted.
Dan just nodded, he had already known after all, however he did allow a small smirk to tug at the corner of his lips, “Probably not. We need mum to like you before she knows it’s you,” he racked his brains as to how would be best to do that.
Suddenly Phil’s eyes widened and he gripped Dan’s arm, “A masquerade ball,” he mumbled under his breath.
“What?” Dan asked, he watched as Phil started to smile and rubbed his hands together in excitement.
“You should host a masquerade ball. Introduce me while I’m wearing a mask!” Phil bounced with excitement, beaming at Dan about his idea.
It was beginning to dawn on him how brilliant of an idea it actually was. Re-introduce Phil as a mystery perfect suitor who Dan loved.
His mother would love Phil, and maybe wouldn’t freak out when she found out who he actually was.
“That is actually fucking genius!” He exclaimed, and laughed loudly gripping Phil’s arms and shaking him slightly so he burst out laughing, “Phil Lester! You’re a genius!” Dan pulled him into a warm kiss, both boys expressing their excitement through their lips.
~-~-~
Phil giggled and the sound warmed Dan’s heart until he felt like he was sat next to a warm hearth.
“You can’t sneak out at night Your Highness,” Phil bowed mockingly and Dan tugged him to his feet with an eyeroll. He pulled Phil into a gentle kiss, before cuddled into his boyfriend’s arm happily. Phil tried to take the opportunity to lead Dan back to his bedroom, which Dan hoped would soon be their bedroom. Currently Phil spent most nights with Dan, aside from the occasional time they separated when necessary, to avoid suspicions. Tonight was one of the nights when he was technically in the servants quarters, but Dan couldn’t sleep without him.
“I can do what I want,” Dan smirked as Phil groaned, but followed Dan to the kitchen’s nevertheless.
They tiptoed in, hoping the late night staff would have finished up by now. They were in luck as the kitchen was eerily quiet. Dan grinned as he flicked on a lamp, it let a dim light flood the room but not too bright that they couldn’t handle it.
He quite liked when he was alone with Phil, and it was completely calm.
“I’m hungry,” Dan hurried over to the pantry as Phil chuckled.
“I would assume so, you did drag me to the kitchens at one am,” he pointed out and Dan pulled a face at him over his shoulder.
He pulled out a packet of cookies with a flourish and grinned, “Let’s feast!”
They slid onto the marble bench, Dan was too tired to care that it probably wasn’t hygienic to sit where people prepared food. He shoved a cookie into Phil’s mouth who laughed in response, crumbs falling onto the floor and across his face.
“They’re… really mmhm... good,” Phil swallowed before he pecked Dan on the lips gently, “Almost sweeter than you!”
Dan groaned at the awful cheesiness, but couldn’t deny the way his stomach bubbled every time Phil complemented him. No matter how cheesy it was.
“Apparently late night Phil is a cheesy boyfriend,” he teased as he pulled Phil in for a longer kiss, and enjoyed the way he could taste the chocolate of the cookies on his lips.
He began to find it almost difficult to steady himself as Phil cupped his face in his hand, their lips danced together lazily as they were both half asleep.
“You taste like cookies,” Dan giggled drowsily, and grinned as Phil stuffed a cookie into his mouth in response.
“I want you to taste like cookie,” Phil giggled and Dan snickered as he enjoyed the small pout on Phil’s face.
He kissed it away gently, smiling into the kiss as Phil hummed appreciatively. Their lips moved against each other in a way that made Dan’s stomach flip and swirl, and filled his body with a tingle that flooded down to his toes. He grinned as Phil pulled him closer so that Dan was sat on his lap, their lips didn’t break apart aside from a quick gasp of breath.
Suddenly there was a click and a bright light flooded over them.
They both froze, Phil pulled away from Dan’s lips as quick as lightning, eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights and they heard an amused chuckle.
Dan grimaced slightly as he turned to be met with Phil’s father who was stood there, hands on his hips in amusement, “I really hope you two weren’t going to go further than that because this is a kitchen and that is my son,” he turned to Dan with a smirk.
Dan felt ready to sink through the floor and die, it seemed Phil was on the same thought path as he buried his face in his hands.
When Dan glanced over at him he could see the flush of his cheeks even past his fingers.
“Dad,” Phil started but the King’s Advisor cut him off with a wave of his hand.
“No no! I told you I would do this and I intend to keep my word,” He exclaimed and Dan turned to Phil in hope for an explanation.
He got nothing but an apologetic glance and embarrassed flushed cheeks. Phil looked cute when he was so embarrassed.
“Daniel, whether prince or not. I believe that my son deserves someone who will love him endlessly. Will you do this?” Phil’s father asked with a false posh accent.
Dan nodded, he had begun to see where this was headed and understood Phil’s overwhelming embarrassment.
“Yes,” he replied and smirked at Phil who looked like he wanted to die.
“I am very glad. Now, if you two have sex in a kitchen I will personally disown you Philip!” He announced before he marched off to the pantry where Dan assumed he was originally headed.
Phil turned to him, cheeks so dark a shade of red that Dan wanted to cuddle him closer and comfort him.
However this was far too good of an opportunity to tease Phil and he planned to seize it.
“You’re blushing,” he said in a sing song voice, and snickered as he nudged Phil’s arm gently, Phil groaned and shoved him in the side before he buried his face into Dan’s neck.
Dan wanted to continue to tease him but Phil snuggled into him made his heart warm and he couldn’t find it in himself.
He blushed slightly as Phil’s father smiled warmly when he walked out, an apple rested in his hand.
“I’m surprised I didn’t guess to be honest,” the King’s advisor admitted before he left them, and called over his shoulder, “Try to go to sleep soon boys!”
Phil mumbled something unintelligible into Dan’s shoulder which Dan took to mean he wanted to go to bed.
“Wanna stay in my room?” Dan asked gently, as he pressed a soft kiss to Phil’s forehead.
Phil nodded sleepily, and Dan tugged him to his feet, wrapping an arm around his sleepy boyfriend. They tiptoed their way back to Dan’s bedroom, and took admittedly longer than they should have because they kept stopping to press gentle kisses to the other’s lips. They had time to make up for after all.
~-~-~
“I am not getting back on a horse,” Dan grumbled as Phil pulled him along towards the stables. He knew Phil liked horses, but forcing him to take part after what happened last time was a step too far, Phil shook his head, and smiled back at Dan in a way that made Dan’s heart melt and his stomach flip.
“Yes you are and we are going riding,” Phil replied easily, he skipped along as they walked towards the stables. At Dan’s groan Phil rolled his eyes, “It’ll be romantic.”
Dan pouted but didn’t argue anymore as Phil continued to walk them towards where Sam was waiting.
He instinctively dropped Phil’s hand, as much as it felt wrong. His hand now swung beside him, almost too empty.
As they approached Sam smiled at them, which displayed one missing tooth right at the front of his mouth, “Why did you let go?” He asked curiously, eyes wide in interest.
Phil turned to Dan, his mouth hung open in shock, “Of what?” Phil asked, Dan could hear the underlying tones of nervousness, which meant Phil knew just as much as he did what Sam was talking about.
“Your hands, you let go! You don’t have to you know. I won’t tell anyone,” Sam said the last part in almost a whisper, as though telling them a secret. Dan couldn’t help the small smile that bloomed on his face, as Phil took his hand again. Sam grinned back at him and Dan almost wanted to reach forward and hug him.
However he knew the small boy would freak out if the prince did anything of the sort, so he restrained himself.
“You lost a tooth!” Dan pointed out and couldn’t stop the smile that covered his face when Sam beamed.
He nodded eagerly, “Last night!” He exclaimed, and bounced on the balls of his feet happily.
“Did the tooth fairy come?” Phil asked and Dan wanted to kiss his boyfriend right there because the look on Sam’s face was worth a million pounds.
“Yes!” He squealed, and pulled a shiny two pound coin out of his pocket and waving it around excitedly, “She gave me this!”
“That’s amazing!” Phil exclaimed and it took all of Dan’s willpower not to kiss him, why did he have to be so perfect?
Sam continued to bounce around before he settled down and asked in a very polite tone, “What would you like Your Highness?”
“Can we have one horse please Sam?” Dan asked and he nodded.
“Would you like Mabel or Fern sir?” Sam asked, he straightened his back as he turned to work mode. Dan couldn’t help but smile as he watched the tiny boy attempt to be professional.
The idea of riding Mabel made him shudder though, “Fern please.” He replied, Phil sent him a knowing look and he flushed while avoiding eye contact.
As Sam went to turn away he stopped, and turned back to face the two older boys, “There’s a small corner where you can’t see anything over there,” he point to a corner where indeed they would be out of the view of any prying eyes, “It might take me a while to saddle her up.” He explained. Dan grinned as Phil went a bright shade of red, and mumbled a quiet, “thank you,” as Sam turned to run away.
They slipped into the corner, hidden behind the red bricks of the stable and the trunk of a Sycamore tree they were truly out of eyesight, unless someone actually walked around the tree they couldn’t be seen.
“For an eight year old that boy is clever,” Phil smirked, as he pressed Dan against the brick wall behind them.
“We were nowhere close to as smart as that at eight,” Dan replied with a laugh, just before Phil kissed him, and caused him to lose his breath as quickly as he gained it.
He blushed as Phil pinned his shoulders up, as he knew fully well by now that Dan lost his balance when Phil kissed him.
“Maybe you weren’t,” Phil teased and Dan just rolled his eyes, pulling him in for another kiss.
Their lips danced together and Dan lost track of time, he forget everything except the way it felt to have Phil’s lips against his.
They broke apart, gasping for air before they moved back together like magnets. He never wanted to leave Phil, to not have Phil by his side.
“Prince Daniel!” Sam’s young voice called out from beside the tree.
Phil pulled away from him, he appeared to be as reluctant as Dan felt.
“Coming Sam!” Dan called back, and pecked Phil once more on the lips, enjoying the way it made Phil’s face beam with happiness.
His lips were swollen and red but twisted into a bright smile that turned Dan’s insides to goo.
They slipped out from out of the tree to find Sam looking very proud of himself, stood before them with the reins of a tall, light brown horse held in his hand.
“Here you are sir!” He held out the reins to Phil who thanked him gently. “Are you alright to mount her sir?” Sam asked and Dan nodded shakily, his fear of horses returned now that the giant creature stared at him. “I-I’ll be fine Sam. Thank you.”
Sam nodded, before turning to run away, his tiny body disappearing as he entered the stable.
“You’ll be fine,” Phil reassured him, guessing correctly as to why Dan was faltering.
As Dan continued to stare at the giant creature he was putting his faith in Phil sighed, “I’m jumping on after we get started remember?”
Dan took a deep breath, and tried to remind himself that Phil was a much better horse rider than him.
“Okay,” he slipped his foot into the stirrup, and used it to boost himself over the huge animal. Fern was much calmer than Mabel, but taller and as Dan sat on him he remembered why he usually rode Mabel.
“He’s really tall Phil,” Dan stammered, his muscles tight with fear as he held onto the reins until they were pressed harshly into the soft skin of his palms.
Phil nodded, “You’ll be fine Dan, I’m going to be there with you okay?” His voice soothed Dan and he felt his muscles relax slightly.
“Okay, let’s go.”
They began at a walk before they started to bounce into a trot, as the trot gained speed Phil began to run beside Dan, he tucked his foot into the stirrup and pulled himself up easily. Dan would be lying if he said his heart didn’t pound a little at the strength of his boyfriend. Even more so, when Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist, “There see, we’re fine,” Phil grinned into his ear and Dan felt a happy shiver travel from the base of his spine to his shoulder blades.
“I love you,” he leaned back into Phil, their heads rested closely together and he sighed into the feeling.
He could just see a smile in Phil’s cheeks, “I love you too.”
~-~-~
Dan lay sprawled out on the bed, a stern expression on his face, “Nope. We can find another way.”
Phil flopped on top of him, the close proximity of their faces made it very difficult for Dan to concentrate, “This is the only way.” Phil insisted and Dan groaned, before he buried his face into Phil’s neck.
“She’ll never agree! To not tell my parents… that’s I don’t know... against servant code,” Dan muttered, his breath fanned into Phil’s neck. He smiled as Phil tried to hide a shiver.
“Firstly, I hid our relationship and you were fine with that. There is no servant code. Secondly she so knows about our relationship.” Phil pointed out and Dan pressed a gentle kiss to Phil’s neck, reveling in the way it made Phil gasp in shock and happiness.
“True,” Dan mumbled, his lips still ghosted against Phil’s neck.
“That is,” Phil gasped again as Dan kissed the sensitive skin, “Very distracting.”
Phil tugged him to his feet and led him to Betty’s chambers, which made Dan very grateful he had Phil because he wouldn’t have had a clue where to begin.
“Betty?” Dan called, as he knocked on the door gently.
The door flung open so quickly Phil nearly fell in, since he’d been leant against it.
There stood Betty, her brown hair pinned into the same bun as usual, a pen stuck through it. Her tall figure nearly matched the ridiculous height of both Dan and Phil but not quite, her strong grey eyes bore into Dan but he could see the same kindness he was used to in her round face.
“Your Highness? What brings you here?” She asked, shock evident on her face as her eyes flitted between him and Phil.
Something seemed to click in her brain as she stepped aside from the door to allow them in.
The first thing Dan noticed was her room was very small, he hadn’t ever been into the servant’s rooms as Phil had always come to Dan’s chambers instead.
There had never been any reason before now to enter one, but it was certainly small. Around the size of Dan’s bathroom, with only just enough space to walk around the bed, with a reasonable sized area at the foot of the bed. Betty’s bed was a dark purple, definitely not black but also not bright enough to be considered violet either.
“We need suits, and we need my parents not to know.” Dan cut straight to the chase, strangely this didn’t seem to faze Betty in the slightest.
“Matching or contrast?” She asked.
Even Phil seemed taken aback by the calm air she had about the whole thing, “You don’t want to know why?” He asked, his voice sounded completely in awe of her folded hands and pleasant smile.
“I figure I’ll find out at some point,” she waved her hands in dismissal.
Dan nodded slowly, barely able to understand the logic there, but for some reason it seemed to be fine with Betty.
“So, matching or contrast?” She asked once again, and stared at them over her rectangular spectacles.
Dan turned to Phil who shrugged, which was incredibly helpful.
“Well we don’t want to be too obvious, so contrast?” He suggested and Betty nodded, which made Dan smile.
He knew there was a reason he had always loved Betty.
“Now strip down both of you, I need to measure you.” She went into her closet to retrieve a measuring tape.
Dan turned to Phil, his cheeks flushed as they begun to take off their layers of clothing.
Despite the fact that they were dating, Dan felt embarrassed with only his boxers on in front of Phil, especially when Phil looked at him the way he was now, as though he was the most beautiful thing in the world. His eyes soft and warm, a smile smile adorned his face.
Dan barely thought that was fair, not when Phil was stood there with his pale chest clearly on display.
Every tiny giggle that left his lips made Dan fall further and further in love.
Subconsciously he had moved forward and suddenly their lips were touching gently, ghosting against each other. As they heard Betty begin to re-enter the room they pulled apart, much to Dan’s disappointment.
Betty raised one eyebrow slightly at the close proximity but it wasn’t a surprised look, more like a smirk, which Dan wasn’t sure Betty was able to produce.
“Mister Daniel,” Betty clicked her fingers for him to come over, “I’m thinking a dark blue, but not too dark. Between navy and cobalt, thoughts Mr Lester?” She asked, all in one breath, to the point as usual.
“Erm yeah sounds good,” Phil replied, his eyes never strayed from Dan.
His soft gaze made Dan’s knees wobble and his heart thunder against his chest.
“You’ve lost weight,” Betty commented idly, as she wrapped the tape measure around his hips and legs.
She then moved on to Phil, it shocked both of them as she grabbed his face and stared straight into his eyes.
“Eggplant purple,” she declared after about thirty seconds, “It would complement your eyes perfectly.”
Dan nodded, every colour would go perfectly with Phil’s eyes in his opinion so he wasn’t going to deny an expert’s opinion.
He tried not to allow the spark of jealousy that flared in his shoulders to truly erupt as she wrapped her arms around his waist.
Firstly, it was her job and he knew that this was necessary. Secondly, she was nearing on her fifties and he knew that she had a husband so he really needed to keep his jealousy under control.
He noticed Phil smirk at him and realised he wasn’t hiding the jealousy very well.
“Shut up,” he mouthed, with a pout.
Phil shrugged, but didn’t stop smiling, eyes bright and so fucking beautiful Dan wanted to die, “I didn’t say anything,” Phil mouthed back, before he blew Dan a kiss.
~-~-~
Alexis had insisted they get changed separately as it was more romantic. Which Dan had to admit, it was true, but it didn't help with the fear of Phil’s possible reactions to Dan in his outfit. What if he hated it?
As he looked in the mirror, Alexis straightened out his suit and helped to fasten the mask, he could see that Betty was right in her choices.
He wore a dark blue suit, just lighter than navy with a crisp white shirt, it sat tightly on his form, and made his shoulders more pronounced and his body more shaped.
His mask was fully gold, tendrils of embossing circled his eyes and twirled their way up to the centre of his forehead where they shaped a small crown.
He could see his brown eyes glowed from behind the mask, the flecks of gold that Phil assured him he had were for once visible.
“You look very nice Your Highness,” Alexis beamed at him, a motherly look in her eyes.
Dan let his instinct take control as he turned around and hugged her.
She squeezed him back tightly but pulled away happily when a hesitant knock sounded at the door.
“Alexis?” Max’s voice called from behind the door, “Neither of us can tie his erm… tie,” he explained.
Alexis rolled her eyes at Dan, but she grinned anyway. Dan knew she loved to help all of them, especially Max, as apparently he had barely ever openly told her he needed help despite being the best friend of her daughter.
“I’m going to get some fresh air,” Dan mumbled as Alexis hurried out, he grinned and stepped out onto the balcony and relished in the wave of cold air that washed over him.
As he stared out at the sun beginning to set Dan thought about tonight.
His mother had, as predicted, been beyond happy when Dan told her that he’d found a suitor who he really loved.
The fact that this suitor was a boy didn’t seem to bother her at all, which meant Dan felt slightly less terrified.
Although if he was honest he was more scared of Phil changing his mind, not actually wanting to tell his parents about them, not wanting them anymore. It was irrational and stupid, but he couldn’t help it.
Warm arms wrapped around him from behind which caused Dan to squeal in shock but any scared thought also flew from his mind as Phil pressed his lips to the back of Dan’s neck.
“You scared me Phil,” Dan grumbled, but he found it difficult to keep the smile off his face as Phil continued to press tickling kisses to the sensitive skin at the top of his spine.
“Hi Bear,” Phil whispered softly, The use of Dan’s childhood nickname made his heart flutter. However Dan could hear the nerves in his voice.
He turned around to face Phil and his heart stopped, a deep purple mask shaded Phil’s eyes and matched perfectly with his purple suit.
There were music notes painted onto the mask that framed the underneath of his eyes, edged with gold embossing that shone in the dusk light.
He looked so stunning that for a moment Dan forget everything that was scaring him, because he had this boy to call his own.
“You are so beautiful,” Phil said softly and that alone left Dan speechless.
He was beautiful?
The last thing he had expected was to be called beautiful before he got the chance to tell Phil the exact same thing. Rather than replying he leaned forward and pressed their lips together, trying to tell Phil how much he loved him while his voice was forgotten. It didn’t matter because as Phil kissed back it was like they were having a conversation.
“I love you. I love you. I love you.” His lips repeated as they brushed against Phil’s.
His hands reached up to cup Phil’s face and they moved closer as Phil’s hands rested on his hips.
“We have to go to the party now,” Dan whispered, he wished he didn’t have to break the beautiful, silent moment.
However he could see Alexis stood near the door, nervously fluttering but not wanting to come and break them up, which Dan could understand. So he had to be the one to break the serene moment they had, much as he hated it.
Phil smiled gently and pressed a kiss to the nose just visible out of Dan’s mask.
He moved so close that their eyes were perfectly in line and Dan felt his heart skip a beat as he stared at the beautiful seas that he loved so much.
They were so close he could see the flecks of yellow that reminded Dan of paint splatters in the blue green canvas that was his boyfriend’s eyes.
“I love you,” Phil mumbled and it made Dan tingle all over.
“I love you too,” he replied, as Phil’s eyes bore into him in the most beautiful way, as though he was trying to memorise every fleck of gold in Dan’s eyes.
“Let’s do this,” Phil took his hand.
~-~-~
His mother had set up the whole works; trumpets, an announcement, hundreds of eyes turned in him and he had to swallow back the fear in his throat.
With one last glance back at Phil who offered a shaky thumbs up as he stepped into the ballroom.
He was pretty sure no prince had been introduced to a ball with trumpets since the medieval times but there was nothing he could do as they burst into a little introduction.
“Prince Daniel!” A man with a deep voice presented.
Dan smiled, his mask thankfully hid most of his fear.
He could see his mother beam at him happily from behind an elegant gold and white mask lined with soft blue, her huge ball gown matched it perfectly. As he stumbled his way down the stairs, and tried not to seem like too big of a flop he smiled back at his mother, relieved that she actually did seem excited about meeting Phil.
“I’m so proud of you Daniel,” she kissed him on both cheeks and the act of affection made him grin.
“Thank you mother,” he replied softly.
He saw Phil sneak in through the servant doors, his hand tugged along by a tiny Sam in a white suit. Sam’s usually messy blonde hair combed neatly to the side and a small bow tie sat beneath his chin. Phil looked up at him and grinned, his face only partly visible beneath his mask but Dan could still see the fond enjoyment in his eyes.
Sam’s white mask was simple, and obvious that it belonged to a servant, but cute all the same, Dan wanted to run up and pull him into a hug, but that wouldn’t be appropriate, in this setting especially.
“So when will I meet this suitor of yours. Is he here?” His mother asked as she looked around, Dan was careful not to look at Phil despite how much his head wanted to turn there.
“He is here, and you will meet him soon,” Dan replied, and tried to keep a semi mysterious air. The more he got his mother excited to meet his suitor and then how much she liked him was very important.
His mother nodded and walked away to his father, he had to admit the small bounce in her step made him extremely happy. Many people approached him with well wishes and congratulations, in the past other suitors may have attempted to still become his partner despite him having found someone.
However in modern times that wasn't considered appropriate, thank god.
“Congratulations,” James sneered at him, Dan couldn’t help but wonder why he had been invited in the first place. Dan smiled back brightly, and ignored the malice in James’ eyes choosing to focus on the fact that he wouldn’t have to hide his relationship with Phil any longer.
“Thank you,” he replied before he marched off to Phil, he decided that there had been enough mystery as to who his suitor was.
Phil seemed slightly surprised as he saw Dan walk towards him and he giggled softly as Dan came into earshot.
“Impatient?” He teased.
Dan groaned with a small pout, he wished he could just pull Phil into a kiss there, but he knew they needed to take it slowly, “Just a little,” he replied with a shrug.
Sam grinned at him widely, his tooth just beginning to grow back, “Hello Prince Daniel!” He replied cheerily, before he lowered his voice to a hushed whisper and after he beckoned Dan closer he added, “I haven’t told anyone that it’s Mr Philip,” he promised.
Dan grinned, and gave the small boy a wink, “Thanks Sam. You won’t have to keep it a secret too much longer,” he said with a smile.
The idea was almost too good to humour, that Dan would be able to pull Phil into a kiss no matter where they were. That they could hold hands, cuddle in the library, walk through the orchard and plant kisses to lips without the worry of being spotted.
He felt Phil place a hand on the small of his back, which sent shivers up his spine.
“Let’s go talk to your parents yeah?” Phil whispered in Dan’s ear, his mask brushed the side of Dan’s face slightly. Dan nodded, and shifted so that Phil’s arm was wrapped tightly around him before he kissed him softly on the cheek. Both boys snickered softly as James’ wine glass dropped to the floor with a quiet smash, due to Cecilia gripping his arm too tightly. Her soft pink dress was large and flowery, like she was trying too hard to stand out.
Dan smiled at her, unable to keep dislike from his eyes.
She glared back, her blatant anger harsh in her eyes. In all honesty he was surprised she hadn’t told everyone it was Phil, since she had to have guessed already.
That much he could be grateful to her, it wasn’t much, but he supposed it would have to do.
His mother beamed with excitement, and clutched onto his father’s arm.
The King was wearing a pale blue suit to match his wife and a knowing expression, his mask hid some of it but Dan could see his father knew exactly who the mystery suitor was.
He swallowed heavily and allowed Phil’s arm to calm him.
“Mother, Father,” he nodded to both of his parents, “This is my suitor,” he stepped to the side as Phil kissed his mother’s hand.
“It is a pleasure to meet you my queen,” Phil bowed.
Dan could have sworn he saw his mother blush happily as Phil stood back up.
“And what is your name?” She asked with a polite nod of her head, clearly already taken with Phil.
Dan watched as Phil took a moment to consider before he replied calmly, “ Isn't a charade part of a masquerade ball Your Majesty? Why, I think under a mask we show who we truly are, our real faces are the masks, the masks we put on to survive the real world. The masks that we hide behind and hope to shield us from jealousy, anger and hatred. Tonight, however, we can be however we want .”
The queen nodded her eyes lit up in interest for this mysterious stranger and Dan grinned as Phil squeezed his hand.
Neither the King nor Queen appeared to notice this though as they smiled at each other.
Dan could still see the knowing twinkle in his father’s eyes as he ushered them away, “Go dance! Enjoy the night!”
Phil turned to him with a smile, taking his arm in a similar fashion to how you would escort a princess, “Shall we dance Your Highness?” He asked, a bright smile lit up his face.
“Yes we shall,” Dan replied, his cheeks ached from the smile that wouldn’t go away.
He beamed, and happiness radiated from his chest as Phil took his hip, and took Dan’s other hand in his so that they were in a typical waltz position. They began to twirl around the dance floor with the music, laughter bubbled in Dan’s chest as he was reminded of what an awful dancer Phil was. Their feet trod on each other’s whenever they turned which just served to make Dan laugh harder.
“You’re so bad,” he giggled as Phil spun him around clumsily.
He loved the way his body felt pressed up against Phil’s regardless of whether thier dance was elegant or not. They had stopped being in a traditional royal relationship the moment they started after all.
Phil poked his tongue out, “Shut up,” he grumbled, and attempted to pout but was smiling too widely to properly achieve it. Dan grinned and pulled Phil in closer against him, and let their hips press together as they twirled around, he swapped their hands so that Dan was in the lead.
“Maybe you should let me lead us?” Dan suggested with a raise of his eyebrow.
Phil opened his mouth to object before he snapped it shut and nodded in a resigned way.
Dan winked with an over exaggerated flourish, and ravished in the way it made Phil giggle, his tongue poked through his teeth. With Dan’s lead they begun to glide across the floor, Phil’s feet being tugged away from Dan’s until they were danced around the room so elegantly that he saw Cecilia’s jaw drop open.
He remembered when she had danced with him the first time.
She had practically dragged Dan onto the dance floor. She had held herself against him but Dan had attempted to hold her at arm’s length. This made it a not at all enjoyable dance and he was quite unable to properly lead them with the space between them. It was awkward and clumsy as Cecilia was an awful dancer for a princess and without Dan’s help was unable to actually waltz with him.
Dan couldn’t help but grin as he thought about how different this was.
Phil was pliant and warm against him, he allowed himself to be lead across the dance floor with a smile constantly on his face.
They felt like one person together, one unit that could do whatever they wanted.
“Okay yeah you leading was a good idea,” Phil murmured as Dan spun him around,before he pulled him back against his chest easily.
Dan laughed softly as he opened them up only to draw them back together again.
“I know,” he whispered when he drew Phil close enough.
They continued to dance all through the night, eventually too exhausted to continue to waltz around the room, instead they simply swayed in each other’s arms, heads rested on each other’s shoulders.
Dan could sense Phil look at something over Dan’s shoulder. He looked as though he wanted to go and do something, Dan followed his line of view and saw tiny Sam carrying a huge pile of plates and other dirty crockery, his tiny knees shook from the heavy weight he was carrying. They walked over to him without another word, hands slipped into each other’s as they walked as though on instinct.
“Hey Sam,” Phil bent down to the small boy’s height who attempted to look at who was them to him over the pile of plates he was carrying.
“Hello Prince Daniel! Hello Mr…” he trailed off as he remembered he wasn’t allowed to say Phil’s name. Dan took some of the crockery at the top of the pile out of Sam’s hold and heard the boy’s sigh of relief as the weight was semi relieved.
“Hi Sam,” Dan offered him a gentle smile, “Do you want us to help you?” He asked and Sam nodded hurriedly.
Phil took a similar pile to Dan’s off of the huge pile of plate the small eight year old was carrying. Dan remembered when Phil used to be this kid, the one who was piled with plates and crockery and anything else that needed to be lugged to the kitchen.
He wished that someone could have helped like he and Phil were now.
“Are we taking them to the kitchen?” Phil asked, and smiled at a noble as they passed.
Sam nodded again, he had to walk twice as fast in order to keep up with both Dan and Phil.
However he beamed with excitement as they walked to the kitchen, “I was given the special job of helping get the dishes but then people piled them a bit too much,” Sam explained. Phil gave Dan a look that said that was what Phil was told as well, they both smiled sympathetically.
“We’re very proud of you for trying so hard,” Phil encouraged him with a bright smile although Dan could see the pain behind his eyes, as he remembered the way he had crashed to the floor when he and Dan were only eleven smashing at least twenty plates that were held in his arms.
As they placed the plates down and re-entered with Sam in tow, a musician announced that this was the last song before the prince and suitor’s final dance.
“Would you like to dance with us Sam?” Phil asked and Dan beamed at him.
Sam’s eyes widened until they were the size of saucers, a huge smile covered his face as he nodded excitedly.
“A-am I allowed?” He asked, as he nervously glanced between Dan and Phil, when they nodded he bounced on the balls of his feet excitedly, “Yes please!” He exclaimed.
Dan took his hand and led him to the middle of the dance floor, Phil took his other hand and filled Dan’s body with tingles.
Sam took Phil’s hand so that they were stood in a small circle and swaying on the spot.
“You’re like the bestest prince ever Prince Daniel,” Sam said happily as Dan twirled him in a little circle. Dan felt his heart warm happily as the words left Sam’s lips, “Thank you,” he grinned.
Phil smiled at him, his eyes warm and soft, “I agree Sam. He’s like the bestest in the world.”
Dan felt his cheeks flush as Phil squeezed his hand.
The song trickled to an end, Sam jumped backwards and bowed awkwardly before he hurried off. Dan took Phil in his arms and assembled them so that they were ready to dance, as it was the last dance of the night, everyone would watch them.
“Do you want me to lead?” He teased Phil, who merely rolled his eyes and allowed Dan to take his arms.
They begun to glide across the floor, and their feet stepped in perfect time. Although Phil’s steps were a little more clumsy. Dan could feel Phil’s heart as it thundered against his chest, they were pressed so closely together.
“I love you,” Phil whispered in his ear as they begun to slow to a stop.
Dan grinned, “I love you too,” he replied easily.
He cradled the back of Phil’s head in his hand and pulled their lips together.
Their masks brushed against each other’s as their mouths pressed together gently, as usual they fitted perfectly and comfortably so that they seemed connected.
Every part of them, connected and together.
Hands in hair, lips softly pushed and pulled against each other.
It can’t have gone for more than thirty seconds but it was Dan’s favourite kiss they ever had, the way their lips appeared to pour out their love for each other. Every time they touched sweet and comfortable, a reminder that this was the last time they would be a secret. In a couple of minutes everyone would know about them.
Dan couldn’t tell whether his heart was thumping because of the kiss or because of nerves.
As they pulled away he smiled gently at Phil, “Are you ready?” He asked softly, so quietly that only Phil would be able to hear.
Phil nodded, his eyes never looked away from Dan’s.
“Ok,” Dan whispered, “I have an idea, do you trust me?” he asked nervously.
Phil’s eyes were an electric blue today, the purple and gold of the mask brought out the bright green and yellow flecks in his irises.
“I will always trust you,” Phil replied without even a thought.
Dan blushed lightly, and pulled away out of Phil’s arms just enough so he could reach Phil’s mask easily.
“Take mine off first,” Dan whispered, this felt like a special moment that should remain between the two of them, they didn’t need other people to eavesdrop.
Phil nodded, his warm fingers brushed against Dan’s face as he undid the golden clasps, “I love you,” Phil mumbled as he revealed Dan’s face, Dan felt his heart leap at the way Phil looked at him.
“I love you too,” Dan said back as he removed the purple mask from Phil’s eyes and revealed the person that Dan loved so dearly, the eyes that sparkled like the ocean in the morning.
He heard a few people who could see Phil gasp, his parents however were on the other side. Unable to see the newly revealed person beneath the mask, the mystery suitor who Dan had finally fallen for. His father seemed to be a bit nonchalant, Dan had no doubts that his father already knew who the mysterious person behind the mask was.
“I love you,” Dan whispered one more time, as he took Phil’s hands.
“I love you too.”
As Phil drew him into the last kiss they would ever share before his parents knew about their relationship Dan couldn’t help but smile.
This was all he wanted in life, to be able to kiss Phil like this whenever he wanted.
In front of whoever he wanted.
Phil’s nose nudged against his gently as their lips melded together. It was soft and warm, like being cuddled in a fluffy blanket, Phil’s lips tasted and felt like home.
As they drew away Dan couldn’t stop the smile that covered his face, and it seemed Phil felt the same.
He could feel his mother’s eyes burn into them from over Phil’s shoulder, so with a sigh he gave Phil a look that said ‘are you ready?’
Phil nodded, and took his hand and Dan took a deep inhale of air to calm the nerves that were returning to his system.
Together they turned to face Dan’s parents.
His mother’s mouth dropped open, so that she vaguely reminded Dan of a painting he studied at one point called The Scream .
“Philip?” She gasped, and clutched Dan’s father’s hand so tightly Dan actually saw the King wince.
Phil shrugged sheepishly, his skin an adorable shade of pink as Dan’s parents “met” him as Dan’s boyfriend.
He bowed politely as he had been taught to his whole life, as he let go of Dan’s hand for a moment to do so.
“Your Majesties,” Phil murmured so lowly that the royal family could only just hear him.
Dan glanced at his parents worriedly, or more specifically his mother, his father seemed to be rather proud of himself as he must have already guessed.
His mother appeared to have mildly recovered, as her mouth had closed and her grip on Dan’s father has loosened. As his mother inhaled through her nose Dan felt his heart drop and tears sting his eyes, he could already sense disapproval on the horizon.
“Treat him well,” The queen said, her voice slightly strained but genuinely happy, “My son deserves someone like you, someone kind. I’m sorry for how I’ve t-treated you,” She apologised.
Dan could tell how hard it was for her to say, she never apologised to anyone.
Never admitted she was wrong, or that she had done something bad, but she was now and that was all that mattered.
It was both Dan and Phil’s turn to let their mouths hang open now, Phil’s hand gripped Dan’s as though he believed if he didn’t hold on tight enough it would all be a dream.
Dan felt exactly same way, this couldn’t be real.
Couldn’t be real.
“I love you Daniel,” his mother turned to him, “I want you to be happy. Understand I will need some time but I will definitely support you.” She faced both of them and added, “Both of you.”
Even the King was staring proudly at his wife, this was possibly the best moment of Dan’s life.
He dropped Phil’s hand and raced forward. He pulled his mother into a hug, she let out a small gasp of surprise before he wrapped her arms around him.
It was tense and strange, he hadn’t properly hugged his mother since he was very tiny, but her petite frame was warm and he was just so grateful.
~-~-~
They trudged their way up to Dan’s bedroom.
No.
Their bedroom, at a time that nobody should be awake.
In fact he was almost positive that the sun had begun to rise through the window in his lounge room but he didn’t bother to check.
He flopped into the bed, and was automatically drawn to the warmth that was Phil. He wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist and drew them together, pulling Phil’s lips against his like a reflex.
Phil tasted of expensive wine and grapes as Dan’s weirdo of a boyfriend “doesn’t like cheese”.
They were soft and lazy kisses as both boys were too tired to make out but more just enjoyed being able to kiss each other. Dan loved the way that even in their exhausted state, Phil could still make his stomach flip and his heart race. Even though he was sure he would kiss these lips hundreds of times to come, it still felt like a treasure that he needed to protect and that was alright with him.
Their bubble had been popped, Dan’s family knew about them, their secret was out in the world. However they were still just Dan and Phil, a special secret that still felt like it only belonged to them.
Dan wouldn’t have it any other way.
He pulled away and tucked his head under Phil’s chin against the warm chest that he would use as a pillow.
“I love you idiot,” Dan pressed a kiss to the skin beneath Phil’s chin, and enjoyed the way it made a little gasp escape Phil’s lips.
He could hear the smirk in Phil’s voice as he replied,
“I love you too, you royal pain.”
fin
we’re already each other’s, yet you aren’t mine
beta: @star-crossed-phan
artist: @just-another-phanfic + a pt. ii of her art is here!
word count: 26.2k
rating: PG-13; genres are romance, fluff, and angst
warnings: mild language, homophobia (internal and external), mild homophobic slurs, alcohol, hints at sexual intimacy
summary: in a time where tattoos bloom upon the skin out of nowhere - dan is a boy who paints watercolor roses in his backyard and has a single hidden marigold behind his ear, all while phil, who has tattoos of daisies around his ankles + shoulders, writes poetry on the front porch next door. (a high school, art student au)
author’s note: aaaa my first pbb fic!! :’)) thank you so much to kayla for betaing this! you are so sweet, and we talked more than just about editing which was so lovely. bless you for sticking with me even though the word count went from what was supposed to be 5k straight to 25k; you’re a real one! and thank you to kat for being a great pinch hitter artist, your moodboards make my heart go !!!!!
and a p.s. — this fic was inspired by @demonphannie’s post and @audaw’s art. ty for existing
moodboard by @just-another-phanfic
. . .
For centuries, humanity has held art to the highest of esteems. Early neanderthals began it all with their coarse hands, withdrawing the dirt from the earth below their feet to leave marks upon rugged stone walls, the ones that would convey the beginnings of history. In the millenniums that followed, an elitism has formed around the most talented ones who have managed to make a name for themselves. The names of these creators are commonplace in many households amongst the nations; buildings are erected with the mere purpose of showcasing such artistic creation.
Perhaps it is for that reason that the phenomenon in which ink would envelop one’s skin was thus regarded as a wonder, rather than as an alarming fright.
Despite seeming harmless, precaution took place of course: scientists all over the globe have dedicated themselves to research the peculiar tattoos. Theories ranging from genetic mutations related to the brain’s creative processes to shifts in the earth’s overall physical environment resulting in a strange seismic change have arisen, but nothing about their origins have been confirmed as of yet. For that matter, nothing has been confirmed as to how exactly they appear either.
<<>>
It’s the sound of lips on skin and lips on lips that makes his shoulders tense and his hair stand on end. He can’t ignore them, they’re only three lockers down after all, and his peripheral vision just happens to be especially keen. Dan Howell has the new girl -new as in she had literally transferred into their art school several days ago- pinned against the locker’s cold metal, his lips pressing against hers again and again. It isn't a shock, really. She is likely his latest rendezvous, i.e. the new girl in both the real and alternative sense.
The probable truth of that fact makes his gut twist.
His thoughts are confirmed by gossipers in the hallway, their ringing giggles unintentionally piquing his interest. Their conversation automatically separating from the bustle of bodies and hallway sound, he listens in on their eager chatter.
“Did you hear who it was this time?”
Her friend squeals —was that necessary?— in response. “No I haven't! Who?!”
“It was Erin—”
“Erin? The new girl who came in and started here last week?”
“Yes! Well, she came in a totally different way last night,” he could hear a smirk and a wink in her voice. The if you know what i mean was a little more than heavily implied, making him internally cringe. “Everybody’s saying that they just locked eyes across Chris’ living room and like, totally fell in love. Or lust. You know how it is.”
“Of course,” the friend laughs knowingly, “Not a single girl has ever lasted too long.”
From there, as the conversation topic shifted, his attention followed. Suddenly irritated, he shuts his locker with a slam, not loud enough to gain the passerbys’ attention, but enough to snap Dan and Erin (she has a name now) out of it. By the time he turns around, Erin shoots a mildly peeved glance his way. Familiar words of it's always cloudy except for, when you look into the past, one night… flow from his worn earbuds to hit his eardrums as he makes his way to class, clearing his mind and relaxing his annoyance.
He shakes his head to himself, and puts a little smile on his face. It happens all the time, so he shouldn’t be bothered. Today is gonna be a good day.
He can feel it.
<<>>
As per usual, he is the first one in the classroom. It is a basic english class, because despite being at the art school for written work and thus having several writing and literary classes under his belt, he is still required to take a “basic” class for the english language.
His efforts to convince the principal to change his situation (that other students have voiced to have as well) otherwise was, needless to say, futile.
The class bores him a bit, but it’s not like he can do anything about it. More often than not, he keeps to himself and simply chooses to not actively participate in class. Besides, being one of the teacher’s favorites due to having a particularly advanced grasp of the material is not necessarily the worst thing in the world (plus it gives him time to write rather than pay attention).
Several minutes pass before Dan enters the classroom. As per usual he is the last to enter, with Erin in tow. Her blonde curls are even more all over the place than they usually are and his typically perfectly straightened hair is a little less than perfect; to add even more to that, their clothes are crinkled, leaving little to nothing to the imagination as to what their shenanigans were. The teacher makes no comment but a slight disappointed exhale and a passing gesture of the hand for them to take their seats before he opens up the class for the lesson.
“Now for the past two weeks we have been talking about poetry…” Mr. Lamansi begins, clapping his hands together. “And for today in particular, we will be focusing on Walt Whitman’s Song of the Open Road.”
The class proceeds by his calling on various students in a random fashion to take turns with reading stanzas, his choice sometimes falling on the ones with their hands raised and other times upon those who were purposefully remaining quiet and avoiding eye contact. Phil allows himself to take advantage of this time to freewrite, allowing his pen and mind to wander.
brown is all sorts of golden in the sense it gives...
“Phil? Could you read these few lines for us?”
At the teacher’s interruption, Phil looks up and nods, proceeding to put down his pen and stand up from his seat as every other student had. His hands hold his textbook as he prepares himself to speak, but the moment he opens his mouth, Mr. Lamansi stops him.
“Actually Phil,” Mr. Lamansi begins, “Can you come up and read in front of the class? This is one of my favorite parts.”
Phil bites his lip. “Y-yeah. That's fine.”
Everyone’s focus is on him as he strides towards where the teacher directed him to go. He’s not a fan of this kind of thing you know, being the center of unwanted attention that is, and each stare only seems to be encouraging the swirls that are slowly appearing on his lower back. Once he reaches his spot in the front, each set of seemingly judgemental eyes causes buttercups to rapidly pop up on a concentrated spot on the inside of his wrists, mapping the places where he feels anxiety and unease.
An awkward cough to clear his throat and break the stillness of the room comes first. Then, he begins.
And it's captivating.
“The earth expanding right hand and left hand, The picture alive, every part in its best light, The music falling in where it is wanted, and stopping where it is not wanted, The cheerful voice of the public road—the gay fresh sentiment of the road. O highway I travel! O public road! do you say to me, Do not leave me? Do you say, Venture not? If you leave me, you are lost? Do you say, I am already prepared—I am well-beaten and undenied—adhere to me? O public road! I say back, I am not afraid to leave you—yet I love you; You express me better than I can express myself; You shall be more to me than my poem.”
His voice pulls at the heartstrings of everyone watching him, or at the very least, grabs their gaze so that they don't look away. Other students were bored and monotone in vocal delivery, but his take on it is deep and rich. It's lovely, and all the students (okay, except maybe a select few, but you can't win them all) are listening. Breathtaking is definitely the right word to describe it, for the full classroom of rowdy adolescents are nearly completely silent.
Unbeknownst to him, when he's finished, Dan’s lips are parted oh so slightly in a sort of soft awe.
As Phil sits back in his seat, his face burns red, a murmur of applause going through the room. His teacher praises and thanks him, but he pays it no mind. His eyes shift down at his desk as he brainstorms and works on a poem for the rest of the period, until the bell eventually rings.
Now mind you, Philip Lester was usually very observant. His eyes were open, all the time— as a poet he had to take inspiration from every facet of the world around him. However, perhaps if his mind didn't force itself to replay the most anxious of moments, and he wasn't so distracted by his writing, Phil would have caught how peculiar it was for a certain Dan Howell to throw a fleeting gaze at him just before leaving the room.
<<>>
philip michael lester. flashback; age four.
Life was pretty nice when one’s age was still a single digit number.
While his mother was cooking, Phil was sat in the chair at the dining table. Legs swinging in the air because he was far too short to reach the floor, with a face of curiosity he pointed a small finger at what was on her bicep.
“Mum, why does your skin have different colors there?”
She briefly stopped her stirring upon the stove, her eyebrows scrunching in confusion a little before she saw what he was pointing at and laughed in understanding. “This?” she clarified while she smiled, pointing at the tattoo of a concert ticket that lay on her upper arm.
“Yeah!” young Phil exclaimed, nodding eagerly. “And Daddy has one too!”
His mother hummed in agreement and continued to make supper. “Indeed he does,” she laughed, “And that's on purpose you know. The first time I met him was at a concert.” Her voice became wistful as she continued, “I was sold a counterfeit ticket and because of that was absolutely devastated, with tears in my eyes and all, and was on the way to being sent home. On my way out, I had bumped shoulders with your father. We were completely knocked down to the floor! And then…” Her hand stopped once more as her words trailed off.
“And then he noticed my eyes and asked me what's wrong. Once he heard about what had happened, he told me that his friend became sick and that he had a free ticket. Only if I wanted it of course. I accepted it, we ended up having a great time, kept contact, and eventually started dating. I got one half of a concert ticket on my left arm, and your father had a concert ticket on his right.”
“Wow! Now you two are matching, right mum?”
“Yep! They say that nothing’s been proven but if anything,” she turned towards her son and made a pointing gesture to emphasize her words. “This appeared out of love, I’ll tell you that.”
“Love?”
“Yeah, love.”
Phil’s cheeks beam with a smile. “Love sounds so nice.”
As she sets a bowl of Phil’s favorite soup in front of him, an easy reply comes as a response. “Oh it is, dear. It really is.”
<<>>
“Just milk and a bag of crisps? Again?”
Phil places his tray down with a playful eyeroll. “Peej, you know it's because I’m not hungry.” He sits down next to his best friend, unzipping his backpack to take out his phone and aimlessly scroll while they’re chatting.
With his mouth still full, PJ says pointedly, “Yeah sure.” He swallows his food. “I’m just worried sometimes, you know.”
“I know,” Phil laughs, “And I appreciate it.”
PJ does a cheeky little grin and wave with a jokingly bashful, “Aw you’re making blush and all Philip, but let’s cut the sap.” He takes another bite of his lunch. “So how are you? How’s your day been so far?”
“Ugh,” Phil groans. He stuffs his face with practically six crisps at once, annoyed. He had nearly forgotten about how his day started, and now PJ had reminded him. He chews rapidly before he swallows so that he may continue talking.
“Dan was making out with some girl this morning at the lockers… It was obnoxious. Annoying as hell.”
PJ just smirks. His body leans in closely, accompanied by a wiggle of his eyebrows and reply in a teasing tone, “Are you sure annoyed is how you’re really feelin’ Philly? No jealousy because of ‘ol pretty boy—”
“How are things going with that film project?” Phil quickly interjects PJ’s sentence with his cheeks suddenly red, making PJ immediately drop both his smirk and the topic. Ooo ouch, how touchy.
“It’s good! It’s going. I hope to actually start the filming part soon.”
Pride for his friend swells in Phil’s chest. “That’s great!”
“Yeah I guess, but I’m stuck with the script. I’m really lacking inspiration,” PJ mutters, his eyes looking back down to his food.
“Oh, I totally get that,” Phil nods with a wave of his hand. “It’ll pass, don’t worry.”
The other laughs, immediately dismissing the comment. “Pff, yeah right! Coming from the guy who never stops writing ever.”
“Peeeej! Trust me, I’m serious! Okay listen—” Phil’s voice softening, almost as if he was revealing a big secret. “Sometimes you just need a break, you know? Or to look for inspiration in unlikely places. You have to have a muse.”
“Aw Philly, are you saying that you have a muse?” PJ smiles.
Before he can answer, Phil catches a glimpse of Dan walking to join his group of friends, and in doing so, Dan passes by he and PJ’s lunch table. Phil only lets his eyes linger for a moment more before he turns to look back at PJ, and gives him his response, letting out a low hum first. A cheeky hint of something is playing at the edges of his lips.
“I guess you could say that.”
<<>>
brown is all sorts of golden in the sense it gives as much warmth as a gentle sun when it touches every bit of soil and soul of the earth a sign that even angels admire from afar, a bronzy glow of the ages - p.l.
<<>>
“Now creative writing has a key word: creative. And what does creative mean?” implores freshly graduated teacher Miss Caroline (who, at the beginning of the year, refused to be called Miss Alabang due to it apparently being “too formal”). A resounding lack of feedback comes from the class. Rolling her eyes in response, she shoots them all a you guys are useless look, accompanied by the typical seriously you could do better eyebrow raise.
Not many people are in this particular class, so theoretically, there should be more student engagement. But oh, on the contrary, it was not working out that way.
Throwing her hands up in the air with a passion, she exclaims, “It means to think outside of the box of course! Which is why there will be an interesting new project for the midterm. Never before done, never before seen by this institution.”
She begins to pace around the room, her voice rising and falling in a way that seems to soar over students’ heads and then capture their attention, while her gaze creates eye contact with each and every person to guarantee their engagement. “This project,” she says with a pause for dramatic effect, “will be a collaboration with the art students.”
“Exactly right.”
Art teacher Miss Land enters the scene. Her chin is raised with a sort of delicate poise and her hands are held behind her back, a contrasting yet pleasing juxtaposition that is a great complement to Miss Caroline’s own casual stance and posture. While Miss Caroline has a voice that projects itself as much as her eccentric presence, Miss Land’s is a bit more subdued in the sense that listeners had to concentrate more to hear her.
“The idea is to bridge together visual art and written art…”
“...essentially taking words and bringing them to life.”
“Both pieces must be able to both stand on their own, yet inspire one another. A mix of two mediums that are strong individually, yet when put together, fabricate something that reaches beyond what one could achieve as a solo piece,” Miss Land elaborates.
“Any questions?” asks Miss Caroline. The students helpfully provide her the deafening silence that fills the room in response.
Miss Land nods. “Good. My students, please don’t crowd around the door. Line up against the front, please.” She gestures to the front board, each art student awkwardly shuffling to their own spot, standing expectedly as the creative writing students sat and looked upon them with neutral expressions. Most are calm and collected except for a select few, who shift in their seats at the thought of working with unfamiliar people and a medium they didn't know. Among the art students is new girl Erin who couldn’t care less, and she has a hand on Dan’s arm while she whispers into his ear. He chuckles, and makes playful a face back at her as if saying, “Shh, we’ve got to listen now.”
Miss Land then glances at Miss Caroline, sharing an exchange of the eyes before coming to a silent understanding. From there, Miss Caroline addresses the group as a whole.
“So I’m going to randomly choose a student from my creative writing class, while she,” placing emphasis on the last word and looking pointedly at Miss Land, “will randomly choose an art student of her own. Okay? Sounds good. So first off: Eli Romano.”
“...Louise Pentland,” completes Miss Land.
“Andee Steiner with…”
“Erin Romer.”
“PJ Liguori.”
“Chris Kendall, you’re up.”
“Philip Lester…”
“...Dan Howell.”
As partnerships are created one by one, it is so interesting to see the reactions of each couple (couple used for the lack of a better term here, of course). For example, Eli, Andee, Louise, and many others seemed like the type to not mind whomever they were to be assigned to. Erin on the other hand? No one missed the huff she let out and the scrunch of her nose when she heard that she was not assigned to Dan. Chris Kendall stuck his tongue in his cheek with a smirk then let out a big grin when he sauntered over the PJ’s desk, while PJ himself held a soft smile.
In regards to Phil, he kept it together. If together meant his leg started bouncing at a great speed, that is. As long as no one looked below the desk, no one would notice. His fingers start picking at the ends of his sleeves. Buttercups were starting to appear.
And Dan was just an enigma. Nothing in the eyes, nothing in his stance, only a polite smile.
Once the partner assignments are completed, papers are handed out, and a direction is given for everyone to go with their respective other half of their duo, the art students disperse and fill the empty seats. Immediately, chatter begins to diffuse throughout the previously quiet room.
Squeaks come from the moving of chairs and desks, along with slight oomphs of backpacks being tossed down to the linoleum floor and pushed to the side in order to be out of the way. Phil bites his lip as Dan sits in the desk next to his own, and with every ounce of effort in his body he tries to make sure his voice is steady when he breaks the ice between them.
“So, I guess we have to exchange info right?”
“I guess,” Dan replies simply, scratching his neck awkwardly. “I don’t really know, but I guess there’s not really any other option. I mean, what else can we do.”
Not too far from them is PJ, who leans back in his chair and sends a questioning glance over to Phil, who then does a small shrug in reply. Turning back to Dan, he purses his lips a little before continuing. “Okay, so uh, my number is…” Phil lists the memorized numbers with ease, then repeats it once more. “You got that?”
Before Dan can even nod, the bell rings, and out of nowhere Erin grabs Dan’s hand right for the two of them to immediately bolt out the door.
<<>>
Dan is reading over the paper that the art teacher gave them earlier. He wants to start brainstorming, the concept of combining two different art forms seems really interesting… It would probably be best to discuss it with his partner, though.
His partner: Phil Lester. Dan knows him, he lives next door to him so how could he not, and they have gone to school together for a while now. Yet despite having known him all these years, he only knows of him. Dan has never spoken a word to Phil, to his knowledge.
Although he never paid mind to him before, when Phil read Song of the Open Road in his english class today, Dan admits that he was surprised. He never expected something like to come from him.
Dan takes out his cellphone, tapping the screen to reach the number that he put in earlier. Because Erin pulled him out before he could tell Phil his own digits, he is forced to be the one to text first. He types a quick message, and hits send. Better now than later.
from dan, to phil:
hey it’s dan. meeting in the library after school tmrw sound good?
He doesn’t expect a reply, but for some reason it’s like he’s waiting for one. When he thinks about it, Phil seems like someone he would want to get to know better. He seems interesting.
This project may actually be kinda fun.
A reply comes a minute or two later, and it’s like Dan has something caught in his throat when he rushes to see the message.
from phil, to dan:
Okkie dokes! :D
Aw. Dan can’t help but smile to himself. Heh, how cute.
<<>>
Phil ends up arriving first. In his defense, he spends most of the time in the library anyway, and extra time gives him the chance to pick the perfect spot: one with a lot of sunlight, and where not a lot of people are studying. And besides, there’s nothing wrong with wanting for today to go well, right?
Dan arrives about ten minutes following the school’s ending bell, and Phil doesn’t even notice him walking through the door. He’s got his head in his notebook, as usual.
“Bye, see you later,” bids Dan, giving Erin a quick kiss on the cheek. Although he begins to head off, he remains facing her, walking backwards, giving a little farewell salute and a quick wink to match.
Erin calls after him. “Goodbye baby, have fun with the project!” She accompanies it with a chippery wave back, and blows him a kiss right before orients his body forward so that he could see where he is going.
Phil looks up from his work, disturbed by the noise. Dan has spotted him, eyes lighting up in recognition, and he is starting to make his way to the table. When he gets there, it is a moment when first impressions are made.
For Phil, it’s like an up close confirmation of everything he has admired from afar. Everything is so lovely, and the way the sun hits Dan is so nice. His eyes aren’t just brown, they fit every descriptor that Phil has wrote with— caramel, golden, earthy, warm. Choosing this spot was the right choice.
As for Dan, he is taken aback by the scribbles of sentence fragments and various adjectives and lines that cover the pages of Phil’s notebook and Phil’s hands. They’re like stories that others want to read, but won’t understand, because Phil is the only one that can tell them.
He doesn’t know it yet, but he is one of the few willing to listen.
“Hey, sorry I’m late,” Dan grimaces, feeling guilty that he was the second to show despite being the one to set up the meeting in the first place. When he grabs the seat next to Phil to sit down, he misses the edge of the chair and the sound of his bum hitting the hardwood floor echoes through the library, making Phil laugh and Phil’s heart swell.
Embarrassing. Still grinning, Phil holds a hand out, helping him up. Dan lets out a laugh as well, Phil’s attitude spreading to him.
“Don’t worry about it Dan, I was willing to wait for you.”
<<>>
His car purrs as it rolls into the driveway upon his arrival home, having just come from hanging out with friends after school. Dan loves going out with them, but to be frank, it gets exhausting sometimes.
Right now, he kinda wants to take a nap.
A chirp comes from the car as he hits the buttons on his keys to lock up the thing, and the moment he unintentionally shoots a glance at the house next door happens to be the same moment that Phil looks up from his spot on the porch.
Phil looks down at his feet right when their gazes meet, before choosing to raise his head once more and give Dan a little wave. “Hey,” he mouths.
A moment of hesitance, then Dan smiles and takes a step forward. As if it’s an invitation, Dan walks over and sits next to Phil, joining him. The last time they had talked had been over text a day or two ago, and they have only met up once more since their initial meeting at the library. The steps creak a bit at their weight and their legs nearly touch, but not quite.
Slowly but surely, they are warming up to one another.
“So what are you working on? Are you working on our project?” Dan leans a little into Phil’s side to get a better look at Phil’s notebook, while remaining careful as to not be too invasive of his space. A writer’s notebook is like an artist’s sketchbook: a secluded place for the expression of thought. The cover is worn and the pages are messy, Phil’s writing ranging from neat print to rushed scrawls. Anyone could tell that that little notebook was the receiver of a lot of love. Dan’s heart skips a little at that thought; it always makes him happy when a creator is passionate about their own work.
“Yeah actually,” Phil replies, not looking up. He keeps writing as he completes his thought. “Just brainstorming about various ideas.”
“Is it okay if I stay here?”
Phil nods. “Yeah, I don’t mind.”
A few minutes pass of comfortable silence, and Dan even took out his own sketchbook from his backpack. He keeps making a few strokes then erasing, feeling the urge to do something as Phil is sitting beside him seemingly within an endless river of creative flow. He breaks the silence as he wonders in a whisper out loud, “You know, people always see you writing in that thing.” Dan then pauses, attempting to formulate his question before he voices it. “How do you… How do you constantly have something to write about?”
Phil is quiet, thinking before he comes up with a response. “It’s about being honest I think.”
“Honest?”
“Yep, honest.” Phil affirms. His pen stops writing for a second, and he makes a motion towards his body, looking forward rather than directly addressing Dan. “Let whatever is in you tell the story you know? They don’t have to be complete ideas, you just need to let them exist. Like how our tattoos appear on their own, but still tell our story to others, in a way.”
As Phil rambles on, without realising, Dan is sketching Phil’s profile. Glancing up to look at him while he speaks to give an occasional sign that he’s still listening, his wrists make little flicks and strokes across the page, while his hands are especially careful with shading. Dan spends quite a bit of time on Phil’s cheekbones, for he can’t seem to get it right.
He grins softly. Phil seems to be all angles and sharp edges, and it’s kind of enticing.
“...And most of all, with honesty, you know what is real.”
<<>>
“You know Phil, this is a bit clingy.”
“Clingy? May I remind that you were the one calling me at two in the morning for the past week and a half.”
“Pbbbt, but you said you didn’t mind!”
“Yeah, you’re right—”
“Damn straight I am.”
“But anyways, you didn’t call me tonight, and I was still awake, and now here we are.”
“I don’t need your excuses, Lester. So what do you wanna talk about? Because we’ve got all night.”
<<>>
According to Dan, working at a Starbucks coffee shop is ‘too corporate,’ and that is why they are at a local cafe now.
Chris and PJ are here as well. They’re doing a cute little “study group” thing, but instead of studying they are discussing their projects. It’s always good to have someone to bounce ideas off of, and brainstorming is better when one is able to hear feedback from other people.
They’re all casually chatting, as friends of friends all together.
What’s strange though, is this: Chris is being particularly touchy towards PJ. It was playful touches at first, to his arms and to his sides, but then all of a sudden he put his arm around PJ’s shoulders. PJ didn’t acknowledge it at all, but the expression on his face was one of someone who was definitely flustered.
Dan raises an eyebrow at Chris upon seeing this, the other only responding with an eyebrow raise back as if in a challenge of, what? Something wrong?
And as for Phil, his tongue sticks out of the corner of his mouth as he has a shit-eating grin, simply amused.
It becomes a source of small unacknowledged tension, but no one brings it up and they all continue their relaxed chatter. Each of them grab several pastries and a coffee each, scones and croissants and the like, “brain food” being the excuse for all of the sugar in their purchases. They then head towards a table by one of the cafe’s huge windows that overlook the London street.
PJ speaks up about their projects first. “So, what’s your guys’ idea?”
“We’re going for a kinda… like… nature-y? Is that the right word?” Phil looks at Dan, who just kinda shrugs. “Theme. Something with the forest, or the ocean… We don’t know for sure yet.”
Chris nods, and looks at Dan. “Colors?”
“Earth tones, I would guess,” Dan replies, taking a bite from his scone.
Chris hums in approval. “Some cooler undertones would work nicely with that, I think.”
“How about you guys?” asks Dan.
“Something with a whole lot of bold color. That’s kinda all we got.” PJ shrugs.
“We’re just rolling with it,” Chris barely manages to add, mouth full.
Phil points his question towards PJ. “And how’s the writing?”
“Well I haven't had too much time to really develop it, I've been working on stuff for the poetry slam…” PJ says sheepishly, momentarily preferring to watch himself stir his coffee over looking up.
“Spontaneity is the best kind of creativity!” Chris exclaims defensively, yet mostly excitedly, He lists descriptors as he counts them off on his fingers, voice all sass and eagerness, making everyone laugh. “It's gonna have a lot of color, it's gonna be bright, and it's gonna be cool as heck!”
“Poetry slam?” Dan inquires. “Our school has that, PJ?”
“Yep! It's open to all the students but mostly english students enter, I’ve been bothering Phil to join for ages—” When PJ moves his hand to point at Phil, the porcelain of his coffee mug hits the table and his drink becomes a brown puddle of a mess out of nowhere. It had narrowly missed his crotch, and thank goodness, not a drop fell upon the notes of his that were scattered on the table in front of him.
Chris’ eyes widen, and he reacts quicker than all of them. “I’ve got this,” he assures PJ, immediately rushing off to grab napkins, but not before leaving PJ with a chaste kiss on the cheek. “Don’t worry, it’ll be fine!”
When Chris is out of earshot, Phil immediately gives PJ a look.
PJ’s face only gets redder, and he folds his hands in his lap. “Shut up he didn't mean anything by it…”
But Phil is relentless, and he’s not buying PJ’s denial at all. He doesn’t stop giving his old friend that look that is all smiles and muffled laughs. Eventually, PJ breaks and bursts out with, “Okay, I admit it, he might’ve maybe asked me out yesterday…!” Phil smirks, and finally lets out the laugh he was holding in. “But to be honest I haven’t given him an answer yet.”
Throughout the past few moments of Phil and PJ’s exchange, Dan had remained silent, gaze bouncing between Phil’s knowing grin and PJ’s not-at-all-subtle blush. It is for that reason that when he makes a comment it catches them both off guard, even though it was more of an observation to himself, if anything. With his chin in his palm and his elbow resting on the table edge, Dan murmurs, “Huh, that's why Chris looks so happy. He's probably the happiest I've ever seen him.”
“Yeah,” says PJ after hesitating a little, addressing Dan’s words. He bites his lip, the corners of his mouth hinting at turning up as he admits the truth. “He makes me really happy too.”
“Happy enough to write about?” asks Phil with a smile, referring to their conversation from way back when. Dan sits, listening still.
PJ doesn’t look at Phil directly, but his hand unconsciously reaches up to his face to briefly touch where Chris has left a quick kiss earlier. If you looked closely, a little tattoo of a planet was beginning to fade into view.
“We’ll see.”
Chris finally returns, a wad of napkins in his grasp. Carefully he begins dabbing at the mess, nudging PJ’s papers aside so that they would be out of the way, all while PJ has a look that is entirely of affection all over him, as Chris pays no mind.
Very casually, PJ throws a question into the air. “So, what time and place?”
Chris crumples up the napkins, the coffee mess finally cleaned up, and heads towards the nearest bin. “For what?” he calls, throwing the trash away.
“Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten about our date already.”
Standing in place a couple feet away, Chris is frozen and his jaw goes slack, and PJ can’t help but giggle. Chris is simply beaming now. He rushes to the table to directly talk to Dan and Phil, words rushed and excited. “Sorry to cut it short lads, but we’ve got a date to plan,” Chris says matter-of-factly, adorned with an adorable little salute. After that his hands move to help PJ pack up his things, and in a matter of seconds everything is put away.
When they head towards the cafe door, PJ flashes a sheepish expression to Dan and Phil and mouths a “Sorry about this,” followed by a sincere, “Thank you.” Before they disappear, Chris then grabs PJ’s hand in his— holding it up to his lips to place a quick kiss on the back of PJ’s hand.
Cute.
As for the left-behind-two, an hour and a half more passes before they make any real effort to go. The company is lovely even if they aren’t talking. They are simply working in silence, both lost in their own creative worlds, and it is only when a worker comes up to them and asks if they would like to order anything more (to which they politely declined) do they begin to clean up their space.
“They’re cute together,” says Phil, a comment that breaks the stillness between them.
“Yeah,” Dan replies nonchalantly. He closes his bag after putting away his sketchbook and pencils bag, and slides the strap on his shoulder as they both head towards the door. To no one in particular he adds, “They’re really happy together, aren’t they?”
The edges of words seemed to be tinged with a bit of longing, if you listened hard enough.
When they step out of the cafe, Phil immediately rubs his arms, his breath forming a small cloud with each exhale from the oxygen in his lungs and the brisk air. “Heh, I didn’t expect it to be this cold today…”
Almost hesitantly, Dan places his own jacket upon Phil’s shoulders. The gesture isn’t acknowledged at all, and he just keeps walking, ignoring the fact that the chill was now getting to him. He refrains from rubbing his own arms, and just shoves his hands into his pockets. He only did as any friend would do.
In the meantime, Phil just stands there, not knowing how to react.
Steps ahead now, Dan merely waves his hand before quickly putting it back into the pocket of his jeans, beckoning Phil to walk a little faster. “C’mon Phil, let’s go home.”
<<>>
phil: <IMG_0981 is attached. View image?> phil: LOOK AT THESE DOGS!!!!! phil: IT’S A DOG WHO HAS A GUIDE DOG
dan: asagAFGAAJHLHFW dan: THAT’S THE CUTEST THING I’VE EVER S E E N
<<>>
philip michael lester. flashback; age eleven.
He stood outside, garden hose in hand. His mother had told him to water the plants around the front porch, and that is exactly what he did. Although the job required focus, it did nothing to prevent him from becoming lost in thought.
The age of him and his peers was one where crushes were all too common. Girls were talking about cute boys; boys were talking about cute girls. However, no one really made Phil feel the way that other people claimed they felt— Samantha from maths lent him a pencil once? That was kind of her. But he would only want to become friends with her and nothing more, he was sure.
A yelp of surprise escaped from him when he suddenly realised that the water had begun to pool around his feet amidst his musings, which formed a damp patch of grass that was well on its way to becoming a muddy puddle. Quickly, he ran to the side of the house to turn off the hose, and started to make his way back inside.
Before he crossed his driveway to head towards the small path that led to his front door, out of the corner of his eye he noticed something roll across the road.
It was a piece of white chalk. The neighbor’s, to be more precise, who appeared to be outside as well. A rare occurrence it was: Phil had only seen them a handful of times before.
Tentatively, he took the chalk piece into his hand. Heading towards who was kneeled in the driveway next to his own, in front of a house with freshly trimmed grass and no garden, but did have a single weeping willow. As his steps drew him closer, more details about his neighbor, a somebody about his age, came into view.
And honestly? Phil couldn't help but be left dumbfounded.
The pretty boy in front of him had equally pretty hands. With those hands of slightly tanned skin he was creating art out of seemingly nowhere; slender fingers fabricated gentle strokes, images of flowers and stars, along with daisies and planets and angels amongst them stole Phil’s breath to allow for only awe to remain.
Phil was almost nervous to disturb him. If he did, it would be like catching a doe in a forest clearing— one moment peaceful, until a slight sound frightens them away. So because of that, he made sure to be careful.
His voice of “Um, this yours?” was a whisper full of gentleness that seemed mindful of the delicate flowers that the boy in front of him seemed to be growing out of the pavement.
Immediately, the boy looked up, revealing brown eyes that perfectly matched his brown curls. “Yes, thank you,” the boy replied quietly, carefully taking the chalk piece from his extended reach. His fingertips lightly grazed against Phil’s, which left Phil’s hands tingling.
In the three days that followed, Phil had fireworks tattooed upon his fingertips (and more often than not, from then on, one could catch him writing poetry on the front porch in an effort to catch a glimpse of the boy again).
<<>>
Dan throws a bag of McDonald’s on the library table, the sound of its impact resounding through the quiet studying of students. And if that’s not enough, he follows up with a loud, “Eat up babes, let's get to work!”
Laughing, Phil does an exaggerated fake gasp. “Dan! Watch your volume!” Reaching over the the table, he grabs the bag off the table, still noticeably hot. When he opens it, a little whiff of steam comes up, caressing his face. “Besides, why'd you buy this anyway?”
Dan shrugs, taking a chicken nugget and shoving it into his mouth. While he’s chewing he responds, “I’ve been noticing that you never have food when we work on school days, and we usually work during lunch. It's always just a drink and like, a bag of chips.”
Phil shrugs back, head tilting as his words trail off. “I just find eating to be a waste of time…”
Dan holds up his hand, cutting his words short as his voice trails off. “Don’t even give me that bullshit Phil, it’s because you’re always writing and you think you have no time for eating, so just eat a little bit or so help me.” He nudges the bag closer to Phil so that it hits Phil’s chest. Dan’s eyes shift to the side a little, and his voice becomes a bit demure. “Just… Take a break from that carpal tunnel catalyst, and dig in, alright?”
Phil opens the bag reluctantly and sighs, taking a bite of a french fry. His lips are pursed into a pout, for what Dan said was pretty much on the nose. He doesn’t mean to avoid eating, honest, it just… happens that way.
He smiles. The fact that Dan noticed and bought him food is such a sweet gesture, and the more Phil chews, the more Dan looks satisfied. Dan claps his hands together right as Phil swallows.
“Cool, now let’s get started.”
Today is final drafts day.
In order to proceed with the final production of their project they have to refine their drafts, and that is what today is dedicated to. For their work to not go to waste, everything has to be absolutely perfect (but to be fair, a poor outcome resulting from the two of them is actually quite doubtful).
“I’ve got these so far,” indicates Phil, pulling out various disheveled papers. They’ve got red ink that make it look like his writing went through a bloodbath, with elegantly chaotic black scrawls to match. He holds them out to Dan and is a bit sheepish about it, kinda embarrassed by how messy it is. “You can look through them right now if you want, but they’re not that great…”
Dan shakes his head, automatically dismissing Phil’s putdown of himself. “I doubt that, Phil. I absolutely doubt that.” He accepts Phil’s writing from Phil’s outstretched hand, and exchanges it with a few ripped out sheets of his own from his sketchbook, graphite smeared and all. “And here’s mine, they’re really sketchy and not as refined as they could be, but you should get the idea.”
When they’re looking over each other’s rough pieces, Phil’s fingers linger over the calculated strokes of Dan’s drawings, all while Dan is floored by Phil’s words.
Dan has never gotten the opportunity to see Phil’s work like this before. He’s taking in everything, soaking every word and descriptor in, and he makes sure he does not miss a single stanza. He never was someone with a way with words, that’s why he stuck with visual arts. But he is thankful that he was given the opportunity to read rawness such as this.
Then suddenly he notices a little something. A little bit that doesn’t seem to quite fit in with the rest catches his eye, a little snippet of a thing that was barely legible and had the last word cut off.
‘n ‘ol brunette has got that teasing grin skipping class and hands that have likely committed sin that ugly little shit messing with my h
When he reads it he snickers, and when he points to it and holds it up to Phil, he can’t keep his laughter in and he justs bursts into a giggling fit. “Aw, Phil,” his tone entirely both sing-songy and teasing, “Guess now I know that you think that I’m an ‘ugly little shit.’” Dan does a little pout. “Do you not think I’m cute?”
“Pfff! Please,” Phil sputters, realising what exactly Dan was pointing to. “Who says that’s about you?”
“I mean we could just address the ‘hands that have likely committed sin’ part…”
At the sound of that, Phil interjects quickly. “Fine, you’re adorable!” Barely processing the thought, Dan thinks, “Pbbt, so are you,” and Phil suddenly puts his index finger in front of Dan’s lips in a shhhing motion.
“What’s going on—”
“No no no, shush!” Phil holds a finger up, as if motioning “Hold on,” and Dan takes the hint and complies. Phil’s eyebrows are scrunched, clearly thinking.
“What?” Dan asks, after a few moments pass.
Phil takes both sets of their work from their respective spots and lays it upon the space in front of them, spread out but distinctly separate. He purses his lip, unsure at first then proceeding to rearranging a few. “Why don’t we… write about...” Phil picks up a sketch from Dan’s side and a page or two from his own. He hands the chosen ones to Dan, who takes it with a raised eyebrow. “This?”
Dan slowly nods, shifting through the papers and ultimately agreeing with the choices. He turns his body, his eyes looking up to meet Phil’s. “So that’s it? That’s our theme?”
Phil answers his question with an affirming hum, and when he starts explaining it just to clarify they find that they were on the same page all along. “It’ll be about humanity in its rawest form—”
“With earthy elements and other aspects of nature—”
“How we all have stories—”
“...and what makes a human human is emotion.”
Phil’s grin reaches from ear to ear. “Perfect.”
“Fuck yeah!” yells Dan, pounding a fist on the table. He holds up his palm for a high five, which Phil happily reciprocates.
When he hears a loud SHHH! come from behind him, Phil’s eyes widen, for it is most likely the librarian telling them to politely shut the hell up. He looks at Dan and silently scolds him, mouthing “Language!” to which Dan merely giggles, his laughs muffled as he tries to keep quiet.
“Fuck you,” Dan mouths back.
Phil rolls his eyes and smirks. His reply comes with a chuckle: “You wish.”
<<>>
Forget about Monopoly being end-all be-all relationship ruiner. With the way the game was currently going, Mario Kart should be the holder of that title.
“EAT MY ASS,” yells Dan. With every turn, he turns as well, because he insists it ‘helps me play better!’. His body rams into Phil’s side as he mimics the motion of the kart on the screen.
A breath leaves Phil’s lungs with an oof as Dan nearly knocks him to the floor. He automatically bursts into a laughing fit, pressing into the buttons of his controller even harder. “NEVER!!”
At this point they’re practically sitting on top of each other, and seem to have ignored the whole concept of sitting on the bed rather than the floor. Legs crossed, his knee touching his knee, the room is filled with giggles and playful banter as they keep jabbing each other in the side as they play.
When one shouts, and the other pouts— the game is officially over.
Dan crosses his arms, and presses his lips into a thin line. He withholds himself from bitterly throwing the control to the ground, but he does cross his arms. “Good game,” he mutters.
Shaking his head, Phil rolls his eyes at Dan’s dramatics. He gives Dan a pitiful pat on the back, and gives his reply all-too-knowingly. “Oh just let it out, we both know you’re a sore loser.”
A sharp inhale through the nose, and a slow exhale through the mouth.
Followed by a swift headbutt by Dan to Phil’s shoulder.
“OW!”
Dan jokingly starts to lightly punch Phil in the back, sides, and shoulders, shouting, “YOU WERE THE ONE THAT HIT ME WITH A FUCKING SHELL AT THE END I THOUGHT WE WERE PLAYING RELATIVELY NICE!!” He pushes him down, Phil chuckling at Dan’s sad attempt to push him over (noodle arms are not that effective, Dan has learned). “I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!”
They land on the ground, the punching turning into tickling. Phil rolls around in an effort to avoid Dan’s attacks, but each attempt is futile, and instead his stomach hurts from the laughter and his face aches from the grin on his face that reaches from ear to ear. “See,” Phil laughs in between breaths, “What an incredibly sore loser you are.”
Dan finally sits back up, smug at Phil’s ‘defeat.’ “Yeah, no shit Sherlock.” He holds a hand out to Phil, and they pull each other up so that they are both standing. “I still totally should have won though.”
At a suggestion to take a snack break, the two head downstairs towards Phil’s kitchen. They continue to chat, and as Phil moves towards the pantry, he makes a gesture for Dan to take a seat at the dining table.
When Phil turns around, he not only has various food in his hand, he has a smile on his face. He walks over to the table and sets a plate of cookies in front of Dan, making Dan look up from his phone and eagerly move to grab a cookie of his own.
“You know, where you're sitting right now, is where my mum told me about what tattoos were.”
With a mouth full, Dan manages a, “Really?” Phil nods, and Dan swallows the last bits down his throat. “Was it like, a serious talk?”
Phil is at the counter now, he has decidedly chosen to make hot chocolate for the both of them. He mulls over Dan’s question as he gets the hot chocolate mix out. “Hm, no? Not really. I was like five or something. How about you? When did your parents tell you?”
“Oh, uh…” Dan grimaces, suddenly feeling awkward. “They— they never really told me? I kind of just found out on my own. From classmates, and the internet, and stuff. They never brought it up, and I never really asked…”
“Oh.” For a moment, Phil stops moving. “So they didn’t even tell you where they come from?”
“What do you mean? No one knows where they come from. Isn’t there still no confirmation from scientists about their origins or whatever?”
“Yeah, but my mum told me.”
Phil hesitates a little, the tiniest bit embarrassed.
“She told me they came from love.”
Dan sputters, laughing, nearly choking on his food. Phil doesn’t say a word and continues to prepare the drinks. “No offense Phil,” Dan chuckles. “But really?”
“I know, I know. But at the same time, there’s no harm in believing in things like that, don’t you think?” Phil hands a mug to Dan, who takes it gratefully. They clink their mugs together and drink a bit at the same time. Phil laughs when Dan makes a face at how hot it is, and Dan rapidly starts blowing on the drink to decrease its intense heat.
“Love though? Quite doubtful.”
“Are you not a believer in love? How about you and Erin?” Phil takes another sip from his hot chocolate. When a little residue is left on his upper lip, his tongue easily leaves and licks it away in a moment. “How are you guys doing?”
Dan’s eyes don’t quite meet his, sounding distracted. “Oh we’re great.” When he looks back up at Phil, Phil’s expression is expectant, waiting. Dan quickly rushes to elaborate on his previous sentiment. “She’s lovely, and so sweet! Every date I’ve been on with her has been amazing. She’s incredible. I like her a lot.”
Phil nods. “I’m glad.”
After that, he says nothing more.
He takes Dan’s now-empty mug from his hand, and washes it after his own. Dan’s eyebrows are scrunched in thought, he’s staring at his phone again, but he’s not really processing what’s on the screen at all.
Phil finishes up rinsing their cups in the sink, and puts their mugs into the dishwasher. He dries off his hands with a hand towel. Once he’s all done, he asks Dan, “You wanna go back upstairs and keep playing?”
Dan’s phone vibrates.
from erin, to dan:
Hey babe! I’ll be finishing up work soon, you wanna come over?
Rather than unlocking his phone, he reads the message as it is on his lockscreen. He ignores it, and shoves the phone back into his pocket.
Dan smiles up at Phil. “Yeah. Let's go.”
Phil grins back, and as he leads them back to his bedroom, he has his hand on Dan’s back. The atmosphere is nice and easy. Uncomplicated.
He makes a comment about how Dan is ‘totally going down’ again, but to be honest, Dan isn’t really listening.
Later at night, in his own room, Dan takes off his shirt before he goes to bed. He always sleeps shirtless (that is nothing new), but it’s different this time: for if he had looked in the reflection in the mirror behind him, he would have noticed that there were dandelions on his back exactly where Phil had touched before.
By the morning though, they are gone.
<<>>
phil: I remember you saying you had a test today, good luck! phil: The universe may test ya like this but I believe in ya
dan: oh shush go pay attention in class dan: but ty that’s v nice dan: u’re too good for me
<<>>
“Aw, they’re so cute together!”
These are the words that seem to be just about everywhere: in the comment section of various social media, in the giggles of the hallways, in the not-so-subtle gestures and points of the cafeteria crowd. They can't seem to go anywhere without encountering what seems to be a fan club around the two of them.
But don't get him wrong. Because there is nothing wrong in the first place.
Erin is a lovely girl, and they have been together for a while, three weeks almost four weeks now. And that is far longer than any previous girl of Dan’s. With a wild head of curls and an even wilder personality, she is a whole lot of fun, and he loves to admire the beautiful ink upon her arms. She has these beautiful gradients of rising suns around her arms along with clouds that often change in hue.
Each and every time she goes on her tiptoes and she wraps her arms around his neck to place a kiss on his lips, he can’t help but be reminded of the idea of them, both in regards to the tattoos themselves and of him and Erin as a couple. Of all things though, he is reminded of Chris’ party especially.
Additionally, as if that isn’t enough, there are whispers of new ink starting to bud on her hands. Rumors that the new ink matches his own spread like wildflowers, even though so few have seen the hidden marigold to the extent that there are doubts of its existence. The possibility of Erin’s budding flowers being identical to his still makes his own blossom burn at the thought.
Because even though he did say that there was nothing wrong, there is an issue. And that issue is that nothing has happened to his own skin.
Besides the common flare ups of ink that happens to most people including himself, the only thing constant that he has is the single flower on the spot behind his ear, and that has been been on his skin for years.
Maybe he could— No. He couldn’t.
Could he?
It wouldn’t hurt —it couldn’t hurt— if nobody found out.
Besides, it couldn’t hurt to fake tattoos for a while, right?
He ignores the prickling of stars appearing on his ribcage, and takes some skin-safe ink to his own arms to mimic what Erin has on her own body. When the prickling starts going around his abdomen and begins to reach his shoulder blades, he still pays no heed to it.
He just continues on.
With each mark and movement of his nimble fingers, his stomach turns once more, even more so as he recalls the words that Phil mentioned before. What he said about honesty, about truth. This thing, what Dan is doing right now, he knows is the exact opposite of that.
He shakes his head in an attempt to shake the words off his mind. Phil has nothing to do with this. Phil has nothing to do with the state of Dan’s feelings for Erin. Why is he thinking of him at a time like this? For that matter, why is Dan doing it in the first place?
To be brief, he does not want to be rude. It’s not like Erin isn’t a nice girl anyway, so it’ll be fine. It will only be for a little while until those typical boy-girl feelings become stronger, because that’s how it works. That’s how it should work. And it will. There’s no reason to not reciprocate what Erin evidently feels for him. Naturally, it will all work out.
Yet if he were to take Phil’s words to heart right now and be honest, in reality, Dan was actually pushing certain feelings away.
Dan touches up the final details of clouds on his forearm, and presses his lips into a straight line, shoving the spiraling feelings that were welling up in his chest far deep into the ground below his feet.
If he were to be honest, he was actually just pushing certain feelings away… And with regards to other things, he was simply burying them further.
And covering them up.
<<>>
daniel james howell. flashback; age thirteen.
“...NOW AS A RESULT THE ENGLISH GOVERNMENT IS CURRENTLY HOLDING DISCUSSIONS IN REGARDS TO THE POSSIBLE LEGALIZATION OF HOMOSEXUAL MARRIAGE. THERE IS NO FURTHER INFORMATION AT THE MOMENT, BUT RADICAL ADVOCATES FOR THE LGBT COMMUNITY ARE CURRENTLY LINED UP IN FRONT OF THE GOVERNMENT HALL—”
A harsh, snarky tch came from Dan’s father, his blatant irritation had jarringly interrupted the newscast that came from kitchen radio. In his hands the steak knife threatened to start shaking with his tight grip, his knuckles whitening to nearly match the teeth he was gritting in anger. “Those homosexuals,” he spat, while he slammed the table with his fist at the same time, “Those homosexuals need to get the fuck out of our country, or better yet off our planet, or I will BEAT THEIR ASSES!!”
His mother simply took a napkin to her lips and daintily dabbed at her mouth, taking a breath before she added input of her own. “Now honey, some of them may be nice,” her tone calm and even. With a voice tinged with what seemed like genuine concern she continued, “I just don’t understand, they can’t have children, so why even bother if they can simply choose a lovely lady or a strong man?” She reached across the table to squeeze her husband’s tense fist. “If anything dear, I think it’s just a trend.”
The entire “discussion” only progressed from there, all while Dan remained silent. His shoulders hunched in as if he was going to fall into himself, he ate his food with minimal noise whether it be chewing or cutting into it for a bite, merely taking everything, every comment— “It’ll blow over, for this it just sounds ridiculous”, retort— “Ridiculousness has wrongfully made it’s way to the law of the land!”, and remark— “To put it simply, the gays need to know their place”, in.
Eventually he asked if he could be excused (he was given permission by a grunt of acknowledgement from his father and a nod from his mother).
Dan’s room was his sanctuary. Constantly he would go there for escape, or to remain in solitude with his thoughts, and this was one of those times. From the back of his closet he revealed his unfinished painting, taking it from its resting spot and placing it upon the floor so that he could resume his work. The canvas was one that he left alone but kept coming back to—maybe he would finish it one day. A year or two had passed since his work on it began.
His paints were in his lower bedside drawer, and he took those out as well. Every movement was routine, a relaxing habit, and essentially his mind was a step ahead of his actions. But perhaps the ease of not thinking only gave way for other, bad thoughts to come.
The harsh tongue of his father as he spat out the words “those homosexuals” could not leave his ears and only further buried itself in his mind. The comment made his hair stand on end, even though he didn’t know precisely why. Dan knew that he couldn’t like boys. Liking boys was wrong. Boys like girls, and girls like boys. Nothing else. And why would Dan care about liking boys anyway? Dan liked girls.
why would he care why would he care why would he care—
His chest was heaving. He only snapped out of his train of thought when he realised his breathing had become erratic, his chest heaved and his hands were shaking and his heartbeat was far too rapid for it to be normal. At an attempt to relax he tried to breathe, he inhaled and exhaled in time as he closed his eyes.
Darkness came.
Darkness came, and colors followed. Shades of blue, green, and yellow. His painting was actually composed of only that particular color palette, a set of hues that seemed to be set in not only his subconscious but also within the motions of his brush. They reminded him of someone’s eyes, but no one he knew. They reminded him of the ocean, of waves he wasn’t used to.
They were always comforting. Those colors never failed to ease him.
Through his open window, he heard the neighbors’ garage open, and he opened his eyes. The sounds of their laughs made their way into his room, which made him smile a little. Those laughs eased him too. The family next door must have arrived home.
Within his own house, dinner had presumably ended. He could hear his parents’ footsteps in the hallway outside his bedroom door, their bickering anything but quiet. “I don’t want him drawing, I don’t want any of that sissy shit.”
That was his father.
“He is super talented and we should be supporting our son!”
And that was his mother.
He put on headphones to drown out it all, and dipped his brush into his paints. This time, he focused on blue. As his strokes hit the paper, shivers went up his spine as a tattoo of tree branches spread out across his back, and as its roots went down to his hips; the only signs of life that the tree’s branches held was the idea that it used to be budding once.
<<>>
In basic english, the poetry unit is coming to a close. For the past couple of days, the students have been presenting their favorite poetry pieces to the class, an assignment that the teacher thought would be a fit way to wrap up the unit.
“Dan, you’re up,” calls Mr. Lamansi.
Finally, now he can get this done. He is the last student that needs to present.
Although he isn’t nervous, his heart is pounding incessantly in his chest. He definitely has jitters, a finite flow of energy that is coursing through his veins and he can’t seem to calm it down, and everyone can definitely tell. Who couldn’t? His hands are trembling so much.
The amount of anxiousness in his body makes this whole ordeal feel like confessional.
Before he actually starts, he awkwardly coughs to clear his throat. “Um, I picked a part from that poem we read a long time ago? Walt Whitman’s Song of the Open Road?” Mr. Lamansi then nods and jots the title down, and makes a motion for Dan to begin.
When he makes an attempt at a taking a deep breath, he hears a whisper. Turning his head slightly he sees Erin, who makes a silly face at him, and he has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing a little. Instead, he opts for a simple smile.
And then he (he couldn’t help himself) casts a glance at Phil, who's beaming at him, all warmth and encouragement and support. Dan’s small smile widens just the littlest bit more. What did Dan ever do to deserve a friend like him?
With that, his shoulders relax, and he breathes.
Swallowing his worry, Dan feels ready now.
“I will recruit for myself and you as I go; I will scatter myself among men and women as I go; I will toss the new gladness and roughness among them; Whoever denies me, it shall not trouble me; Whoever accepts me, he or she shall be blessed, and shall bless me.
Now if a thousand perfect men were to appear, it would not amaze me; Now if a thousand beautiful forms of women appear’d, it would not astonish me. Now I see the secret of the making of the best persons, It is to grow in the open air, and to eat and sleep with the earth.”
When he finishes, he does everything in his power to not completely rush back to his seat. He tries to keep it cool, but he can feel his face burning, and if anyone looked hard enough they could see little leaves and thorns popping up along his collarbone.
A couple seats away, Phil’s heart is swelling. For some reason he feels like this poem has an underlying importance to Dan, and if he were to reread the lines to himself perhaps he would even realise what its significance even was. For now though, that was something that Dan could keep all to himself. Phil is proud of him for standing in front of the whole class like that (Lord knows that Phil’s confidence in his own public speaking is quite mediocre at best).
Small moments like these only fuel Phil’s admiration for this boy, and this time he can't help but feel pride and a sense of wonder all at once.
In Dan’s pocket, Dan’s phone vibrates. Before sliding it out, Dan quickly glances at the teacher to check whether the coast is clear, and upon ensuring so, he reads the notification under his desk.
to dan, from phil:
You did so great!
The small gesture is so sweet, and although it isn't much, it makes Dan undeniably happy. He has this expression of light, a grin reaching from ear to ear. While he can't see it himself, he swears the marigold behind his ear is tingling for the bud of another golden flower.
As they are leaving class, Dan comes up to Phil’s side and puts a hand on his shoulder to catch Phil’s attention before Phil has the chance to head off in the other direction.
“So, see you later?”
Cheeks red, Phil replies shyly, “Yeah, see you.”
<<>>
Soft taps are hitting metal, and Phil knows that Dan doesn’t even need to look to see who it is. He already knows it’s Phil. When Dan shuts his locker and he pokes his head out, saying “Heyy!” with a huge grin and the cutest dimple, Phil can’t help but to match with a smile that’s equally as big.
If someone told Phil that he and Dan would be friends one day, he would doubt them. But right now, he’s chatting with his crush, they’re face to face, laughing and shining with ease and happiness. Phil is on top of the world.
But Dan reaching up to close his locker door placed Dan’s arm at Phil’s eye level, and for a moment, Phil saw Dan’s tattoos up close. When his hand eventually falls back to his side, Phil’s eyes linger over them for a moment more. He has forgotten something important, something more prominent than the dimple in Dan’s soft cheek that Phil adores. The tattoos are a reminder: Dan isn’t his.
The wings on any of the butterflies Phil has in his stomach rapidly frumple, suddenly shy and abashed, and his smile can’t help but falter a little.
<<>>
Even though they don’t have an audience or anything because everyone has already headed to class, when Erin is kissing him, he’s not really kissing back. At all. The hallways are pretty much empty and the only sounds that remain are her lips on him. But even then, he can’t focus on her. If anything he is much more interested in absentmindedly playing with her hair.
Erin pulls away from him, noticing his lack of enthusiasm. She places a kiss on the marigold behind his ear, a tender thing, but to him it just burns. “Love, what’s wrong?”
Dan only brushes the question off, the ringing of the first tardy warning bell easily makes it so he doesn’t have to answer much. “Nothing, I promise.”
The expression in Erin’s face shows that she doesn’t buy it. “Oh Dan,” her voice sympathetic, one hand rubbing the space on his back between his shoulder blades.“Let’s just ditch class and go to my house? I can make you feel better and get you out of this funk.” She ends that last sentence with a wink.
As gently as he can, he pushes Erin off of him, politely giving her a cordial smile. “Uh, maybe next time?” His eyes not-so-subtly look away from her, and he just scratches the back of his neck, with his shoulders hunched stiffly. He starts to open his mouth to say something, but abruptly, the second late bell rings this time. “Let’s just head to class, alright? We’re gonna be late.” From there, he attempts to make his leave.
Erin hastily grabs his arm before he can make it too far. Her grip is firm.
“What has been with you lately?”
Despite sounding tender, she definitely comes off as confrontational. All the little things she has been noticing about him for the past few weeks begins to spill out of her one by one, in the form of pent up evidence supporting a suppressed argument.
“We’ve barely hung out, you rarely approach me first, and don’t think that I haven’t noticed that you hardly ever text me back anymore,” her voice cracks, just the slightest bit, but it is not vulnerability, it is only irritation. When she looks at him, she makes perfect, dead on eye contact, as if daring him to look away.
She starts getting louder. Her face is getting more red and more frustrated, the emotion further emphasised in her tone. “I thought I had it. I really did! I thought I was in one of the most important relationships of my life— here I thought I was different, and that I changed the ‘unattainable Dan Howell’…!” In a flash, it all shifts and she suddenly becomes a bit reserved. A bit meeker, wishful. Regretting and inhibited. Her voice is quieter. “…And that I found a really, really sweet guy.” She smiles the smallest bit, but her eyes are dull.
Her fingers start fiddling with the ends of her hair, and she looks down at her feet. “Instead, you just seem disinterested.”
“Look Erin, it’s not you it’s me—”
At that, her glare rises up once more, red lines suddenly appearing in wings at the ends of her eyes, further emphasizing her vexation. “Stop.” Her index finger threateningly pokes his chest with nearly every word that she says. “Don’t you even dare give me that load of bull. shit. I had to have done something.”
“You didn’t do anything, I promise,” Dan tries to reassure her, but he can tell that in the same way she didn’t believe him when he said was fine earlier, she absolutely does not believe him right now.
“Dan, don’t lie to me,” Erin huffs. She then furrows her eyebrows and kinda tilts her head and frowns, but it’s not directed at him, not really, and Dan knows that it means she’s thinking. When the corners of her mouth turn up a little and she shakes her head and laughs to herself, that is when he doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know how to react. And he certainly does not anticipate the words that would then exit from her lips.
“I bet it’s that boy. It’s that boy, isn’t it?”
Dan bites his lip, his words are caught in his throat, and for some reason he can’t make himself reply.
A moment passes. One that lasts a beat too long for it to be salvaged.
“Oh.” Her voice and face suddenly falls and softens. It’s evident that she did not expect her ‘revelation’ to actually ring true. “Oh, Dan. I’m right aren’t I?”
Dan’s brows raise and his eyes widen, his hands waving frantically in an effort to convince her of the truth. “No!! No no, no way. We’re just friends, plus, I think that you’ve forgotten that I’m straight.”
Erin sighs. “But straight boys don’t look at other boys —well, just a single boy in your case— like you have, Dan. It makes sense now that I think about it, and honestly why didn’t I see it before, and I don’t care about the whole ‘gay thing’ if that’s what you’re worried about.”
She turns away and opens her locker, packing a few things into her bag, then slides one strap on her shoulder. “Love is love, and who am I to deny that?” Instead of then moving her body to face him, she bites her cheek. Her head tilts to the side a bit as she looks down. “I just hate that I had to find out like this.”
“Erin, I’m telling you!! We’re just friends!!”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say,” she waves, brushing him off. She doesn’t move, hand still on the locker door. She only turns her head so that he can look at her when she makes her point. “But baby, it’s obvious. And if you still can’t see it, then maybe you should stop and take a good look at what you’re missing.”
“You’ve got it all wrong—”
“Look…” Erin lets out a low exhale and lets her eyelids fall over her eyes, slamming the locker hard enough to both make the sound echo off the walls of the now empty halls. To her relief, it also effectively shuts Dan up. She sounds tired. “I’m gonna head home alright? I don’t really feel like being here anymore. You can go back to class.”
After beginning to walk off, she stops after only taking a few steps.
Her back remains as the only thing facing towards him.
“Dan?”
He hesitates before responding. “Yeah?”
Before she speaks, she takes a second to articulate what exactly she wants to say. Even though it’s not a goodbye, it sure as hell feels like one.
It’s like a final admission.
“You… You were a good time. Even if you ignore me after this, since we’ll just be classmates, say hi once in awhile, yeah? And consider who’s important to you. Really, really consider it,” she then angles her body a bit to look over her shoulder, so that their eyes may meet one last time. Her lips tilt upwards a little bit at the corners, but even that is twinged with a hint of sadness. “That Phil boy… He really does make you smile.”
<<>>
They’re walking home, and the warm tones of the sky perfectly complement the warmth of the caramel macchiatos in their hands. Phil had treated them to the delicious drinks once school was over, despite Dan’s protests, and the late afternoon sun showed that they definitely ended up spending a little bit more time at the coffee shop than originally expected.
Oh well. Becoming lost in a sea of conversation of topics they could no longer remember gave them a much needed break from thinking about anything —or anyone— at all.
When they reach Dan’s house, Dan fumbles for the key and unlocks the door. Noticing that is Phil hesitating at the welcome mat still, Dan laughs. “C’mon,” he invites Phil in warmly, as he starts removing his shoes and places it next to the front door after closing it. Dan motions for Phil to do the same. “Let’s get started.”
Tonight is the night they finish their project. With only visuals remaining, and their use of a different type of surface for their piece, they only have the next several hours to complete it.
Dan grabs blankets for them to sit on and he tells Phil where to find the paints they need, and together they make their way towards the backyard. With perfect weather accompanied by a lovely sky, it is no wonder as to why it is their work space of choice this evening.
Outside, the air is quiet. The only noises come from the soft hum of suburbia and the chirping of crickets. “I work here often,” Dan says, his voice casual and not as loud as it normally would be.
Phil nods. “I understand why. It’s peaceful out here.”
They start setting up, picking a clear spot in the grass. Dan tosses the blankets to the ground and they both slide their backpacks off their shoulders, and Dan leans down to take the supplies they need out of his bag. As he is getting situated, Phil asks if he should get ready now. Although Dan just passively gives him a “Yeah, yeah,” he can’t seem to resist looking up when Phil turns around to slip off his shirt.
Phil isn’t the most fit person in the world, but he is certainly a bit toned, and the movement of his shoulder blades and back do something to the heart beating in Dan’s chest. The first thing he notices even before that though, are the daisies that seem to go all across Phil’s shoulders. They are admittedly quite hard to miss. That too, gives Dan this tingling feeling that starts in his chest and spreads through his arms. He can’t put a name to it, but it’s just that the flowers seem so endearing. Because oh, how lovely is that?
When Phil turns and faces Dan again, he catches Dan looking at him. Quickly, Dan looks away, but by then it’s too late, and Phil is standing there flustered, hints of pink coming off like paint splatters and freckles on his cheeks and across the bridge of his nose.
Suddenly self-conscious, Phil shifts the moment’s attention to something else when he quickly moves to pick up one of the many blankets that Dan brought outside. When he hands one end of the blanket to Dan, Dan takes it with a sheepish smile.
For a split second, their fingers graze each other’s, before parting so that they may set the blanket down upon the grass together. After they put the blanket on the ground, Phil rubs his fingers together. A reaction, he can’t help it: last time there were fireworks, after all.
And even though his hands show no ink this time when he checks, by God does it feel like the moment was electrically charged.
“So, where do you want me?” asks Phil, the question effectively gently breaking the comfortable silence.
Dan laugh cuts through the thick air between them. “Pff, Phil,” He teases, “You know that anywhere is fine as long as we’re together.”
Phil shoves him playfully in response, making Dan grin, and the pink in Phil’s cheeks becomes just the tiniest bit redder. “Oh, shut up!”
“Lie down on your stomach here,” Dan gestures to a certain spot right by Phil’s feet, “Just relax okay?”
Phil follows Dan’s orders, and underneath him, he can feel the rustling of the grass. He rests his head on his arms, closing his eyes, his voice muffled by his mouth being covered. “Don't worry about me. I trust you.”
Dan chuckles. “I would hope so.”
The scenery around them seems unreal. The setting sun’s light gently lays a golden cast upon everything in the backyard, as if graced by Midas’ touch. Flowers and plants of every color grow here: a personal rainbow, a trove of jewels. Even the grass is a true to life representation of ‘the grass is greener on the side,’ for Phil knows that the grass on his side of the fence is wild and unkempt.
The atmosphere of it all is airy and seraphic.
Dan awkwardly squats down while muttering an apology, for in order to begin the actual painting process, he doesn’t really have any other option besides straddling Phil’s back. Of course he could just sit down next to Phil… But then he would have to work sideways, and that would simply not be optimal.
He shifts in an attempt to make himself as comfortable as he can, and he makes sure that Phil is okay too.
Next to Dan lies the sketches of what he wants to achieve for the piece. Their idea is to demonstrate and illustrate what the definition of humanity, with an emphasis on the relationship between man and earth. The execution of Dan’s vision involves painting upon Phil’s back, sort of as a way to mimic the concept of tattoos and tell the story of man.
It is now time to work.
Underneath him, Phil’s skin is clear, pale, and soft. Like a blank canvas would, it invites him to have his way with it, a call to let his hands take over his mind. When Dan does any kind of art, he doesn’t like thinking at all due to its hinderance on creative flow. He takes a deep inhale, counting the seconds that pass as oxygen comes in, and lets a deep exhale pass his lips.
His fingers lightly trace the flowers upon Phil’s back, taking in the detail of each and every one of them. The intricacy of it all is so pretty, and almost delicate.
Finally, Dan starts.
The coldness of the paint makes Phil shiver.
“You good?”
“Yeah,” Phil laughs awkwardly, “It’s cold, that’s all.”
Dan can’t help but laugh a little too. “Yeah, sorry ‘bout that. I’m gonna need a steady surface though so…”
“What should I do?”
“Hmm…” Dan starts, trying to think. He makes a long, broad stroke with his brush. “Maybe you can like, I don’t know. This might sound dumb. But maybe you could recite some poetry to me?” Dan dips his brush into the water, cleaning it off so that he could change colors. “It’ll distract you from the cold. It can be from the project, your own stuff, whatever. Tell me anything on your mind.”
Phil thinks it over, taking about a minute to contemplate over what he wants to share.
While he thinks, the sun finally finishes setting, and the moon eagerly moves to replace it. No longer is the sky burning ablaze with oranges, vermillions, and magentas; instead it’s all dark. Only a star or two glimmers. Everything is void except for the light of the moon that only seems to shine on them two alone.
“Yeah okay,” he agrees. “Alright.”
Another breath. “This is one of mine,” Phil adds.
Then a beginning.
“in a field of forget-me-nots, he’d try to forget them a lot the one who made his heart bloom from freckles that were like seeds, and smiles like sunshowers: pulling handfuls of grass out of the ground beneath him and picking petals of any flower he touched, choruses of ‘like me’ and ‘like me not’ in a golden air
there was something about them, who with hands made soul out of oxygen of every color and texture and medium who made his knees shake and his cheeks redder
Dan’s breath hitches. Phil continues, seemingly not noticing, and Dan shakes his head to shake the ridiculous thoughts out of his mind.
So what if the story seems to tell of a boy in love with an artist? It doesn’t mean anything.
“for although they was a mere windowpane away, their red threads seemed to be nothing more than fishing lines leading them to a separate sea and him to an empty shore
The brush in Dan’s hand has completely stopped moving. His arms have goosebumps, and although he can see that Phil has goosebumps across his skin too, Dan is sure that his own are not from the brisk air.
He bites the inside of his cheek. Perhaps he’s reading too much into it. Maybe it’s not even about him.
But is it too strange to say that Dan doesn’t seem to mind at all?
Before, Dan wished that Phil could see what he’s making while he was making it, but he is very thankful that Phil can’t see him right now. His free hand reaches to cup the side of his face, and under his palm he can feel the heat radiating off his skin. Although he can’t see it on himself, his suspicions are basically confirmed, and he has a good guess as to what is there.
Because at this moment, only visible by the moonlight, Dan has a fierce blush— a coalescence of roses and carnations on his neck that reach and bloom upon the apples of his cheeks (along with a few freckled stars).
More stars that could be seen in the night sky, to be precise. Side-by-side a whole garden that rivals the one that is blossoming around them.
“so from the coastline, he would admire them —this caramel boy— and he would watch the boy pull in the many fish of the sea as for he, he would merely sit writing words in the stand with a tidal wave heart that consumed him and stole the air from his lungs”
The chill of the night is starting to set in, but he feels like he’s on fire.
<<>>
They finish incredibly late. The idea of time is lost to them, and honestly they can’t tell the difference between the the evening’s final hours and the earliest hours of the next day.
Phil fell asleep towards the end, and Dan finds it endearing. The rise and fall of Phil’s back, along with the faint sounds of his breathing, are the only things keeping Dan company in this standstill of a night.
“Wake up,” Dan murmurs. He nudges Phil gently. “Get up, Phil.”
Begrudgingly, Phil sits up. He yawns and ruffles his hair, and as Dan begins packing up the supplies, Dan makes sure to keep a watchful eye on Phil to make sure that he doesn’t ruin the painting. Ultimately, he tells Phil to sit on his hands to ensure that no excessive movement leads to crackling in the piece.
Once Dan has returned everything inside, he comes back out to see that Phil is still sitting there, and the sight makes Dan chuckle a little. Phil has his eyes closed, clearly he dozed off despite sitting up; how he managed to do it, Dan doesn’t know.
He first lifts up Phil’s right thigh, then Phil’s left, sliding his hands out from under his legs. He keeps his hold on Phil’s palms and pulls Phil up so that he can stand, then picks up the last blanket that is left on the ground so that he can sling it over his shoulder.
With Phil’s hand in his, Dan carefully guides him inside, to a seat right beside a window.
“Dan…” Phil is still incredibly sleepy, his voice groggy. “Dan, what… What are we doing…?”
“It’s okay, I’ll handle it. You’re alright,” He assures him. “I’ve got you.”
Dan proceeds to sit Phil up in a chair. He makes sure to be gentle. Phil’s eyes keep going back and forth between either being open or closed, his eyelids eventually settling for the middle ground of being drowsily half-open; his body is simply too sluggish for him to stay completely awake. He is doing his best, though.
While Dan does have a soft yellow light lit up so that he can properly operate the camera, he had picked this spot next to the window so that the light of the moon could hit the piece just right.
What a good choice that is.
He snaps a couple photos. He takes some shots that are up close, in addition to others that showcase the big picture. The ones that are closer show all the detail; they show every single one of the strokes and the way the colors seamlessly blend into one another. Those are his favorite, for they caught what the eye wouldn’t normally catch.
The paint doesn’t completely hide the imperfections of the skin and Dan loves it. Humans aren’t perfect, and it only further emphasizes their project’s theme, but it also makes the piece uniquely Phil as much as it is uniquely Dan’s.
Click. And that one’s nice too.
This photo frames everything perfectly, it is one of the far-away shots: showing how Dan’s depiction of a skeleton matches exactly where Phil’s own bones would be. Amongst the rungs of Phil’s ribcage, Dan weaved an entire garden of flowers, blossoms come in azure, olive, and honey, and all of the other related shades.
Where the veins would run through, instead of being where the blood would run its course, it is red thread intertwined with vines, and it even leads all the way through Phil’s arms and hands. Where there is empty space, Dan filled it with a mix of daisies and stars, along with the colors of a midnight sky, the sky’s colors are a contrast almost as striking as Phil’s hair to his pale skin.
It isn’t a physical manifestation of the poem Phil recited to him, no. But if Dan said that he didn’t think about doing that, he would be lying. Dan ended up completely disregarding his original drafts and ended up giving into what his hands and mind seemed to want to do, and this was it, a portrayal that was a likeness to the relationship between nature and man, with a subtle hint at man’s idea of a red thread fate (perhaps Phil’s poem had more of an impact than he originally thought). And it turned into something lovely, he thinks. He hopes.
It almost resembles how Phil makes him feel inside.
How Phil seems to make everything bloom in color.
Softly, he taps Phil on the shoulder. “C’mon, wake up, Philly,” Dan whispers. “You did great.”
Phil rubs his eyes. They’re fully open now. “Oh hi Dan…” he replies, “I know I’ve been awake, but I think I can actually think… Coherently now.”
Dan smiles. “Don’t worry about it.” He holds a hand out to Phil, to which Phil accepts, and he pulls Phil up so he can stand. “I handled it. It all turned out fantastically.”
Phil stretches, and yawns. Then his eyes widen, face suddenly full of worry. “Wait, what time is it?? I never told my mom what time we’d finish—”
“Why don’t you just stay here?” Dan suggests. Phil looks at him and tilts his head, thinking it over. “It’s so late anyway, and my parents won’t mind, they’re out on a business trip anyway.”
Phil nods, “Okay. Alright, I’ll just let my mom know.”
Then they go to the bathroom upstairs, and Phil follows. While they are walking, Phil sends a quick message to his mom: I’m still at Dan’s, just right next door. Staying the night. I would’ve told you sooner but I fell asleep. Love you ❤❤
Upon reaching the bathroom, Dan gets a hand towel from the closet, and runs the towel under the sink. Out of nowhere, Phil laughs, and Dan turns to look at him, eyebrow raised, perplexed and wanting an explanation.
When all Phil says is, “Heh, Howell with a towel,” Dan smacks Phil in the shoulder playfully and can’t help but laugh too.
Dan then adds a bit of soap so that it will wash better. Before he starts to clean the painting off, Phil sees the piece in the mirror and loves it. “You’re so talented,” he whispers, and Dan’s ears flush with pink, he’s positively bashful. “It really is a shame that we have to wash it off.”
“Yeah,” is all Dan can reply. “It is.”
He finally starts washing Phil’s back, watching the colors smear together into something incomprehensible. Abruptly, Dan hesitates, really taking in the situation. “This isn’t weird, right?” he asks.
Phil doesn’t miss a beat. “No, you’re just helping me. I wouldn’t be able to do it properly myself.”
Dan can’t seem to argue with that, and so he finishes. When he’s done, he tells Phil to wait a moment. About a minute or two passes by, and Phil is humming to pass the time, and when Dan returns, he tosses Phil the clothes of his that he grabbed. Then he shows Phil how to use the shower.
“So those clothes are just some of mine that you can borrow,” Dan finishes. “My room is just across the hall when you’re done.”
Dan’s hand is on the door handle already when Phil stops him. “Oh wait, hold on! Before you go…” Phil pulls him back to the counter, and takes a new towel from where he saw Dan take one from earlier.
He does just as Dan did, and runs the towelette under water with a bit of soap, and he cups Dan’s cheek with his hand. He dabs at Dan’s cheek gently, cleaning up paint that had somehow made it’s way to Dan’s chin and other miscellaneous parts of his face.
“I didn’t know you had freckles,” Phil whispers, continuing to tenderly clean Dan up. “I love them.”
The comment automatically makes Dan flustered. His cheeks threaten to flare up, as they usually do at words like that, but he wills every atom to his body to refrain from doing so in that moment. He can only hope that it works out like that, though.
He barely manages to utter the two words. “Th-thank you.”
Eventually Phil finishes, and Dan subsequently leaves and retreats to his room. He uploads the photos from the camera to his laptop while he waits for Phil to shower. Once they are uploaded, he is pleased to see that they did indeed turn out as great as he thought. He starts editing, retouching them a bit here and there, just overall playing with the exposure and sharpness of them.
Fifteen minutes go by, and he’s still editing. That’s when Phil comes in, having lightly knocked on the door before entering, with his hair damp and Dan’s t-shirt and pajama pants on. In response to the opening of the door, Dan spins in his chair to watch as Phil comes in.
And there is just something about Phil in Dan’s clothes that makes him look so incredibly cute, that Dan has no other option but to smile.
Phil walks over to look at the photos that Dan has pulled up on his laptop. He asks if he can see the others, and Dan turns back to the screen to watch Phil scroll through the rest of them.
“Oh, Dan…” Stunned by the photographs, Phil is breathless. The lighting is spectacular, and the attention to detail is amazing, and none of it goes unnoticed. “These are beautiful.”
He says some more things, but to be honest, Dan stopped listening. He’s just looking at Phil instead. That is, until Phil turns his face too.
Their faces are so near.
And their lips are so, so close.
Phil pulls away though, and Dan feels strangely empty. But why does he feel like that? he asks himself. He instantly shakes off the thought, getting up from his seat and heading to the closet to grab some pajamas. “You can just sleep on the bed Phil,” he states simply, “I’ll just take a quick shower.”
In the shower however, the thought of Phil can’t seem to escape him. Yet again, he pushes it away.
Nothing happened, and besides, it’s just Phil, he thinks, but it’s like he’s reassuring himself.
Nothing more.
When Dan is done, he heads back to the room, in far comfier clothes. As he opens the bedroom door, Phil cracks an eye half-open at the sound. Dan walks over to the bed, leaning down so he is looking at Phil at eye level.
“You good?”
“Yeah,” Phil yawns, and pulls the covers up a little. His eyebrows scrunch up, and his eyes squint a little, questioning. “You have curly hair?”
Dan grimaces, a bit embarrassed. “Mmm, yeah. I always straighten it though.”
Phil reaches over, taking a curl in between his two fingers. “It’s like a little pig tail,” he giggles, “Why do you keep getting more and more damn adorable, whenever I learn more about you?”
This time, Dan doesn’t even acknowledge the comment, except for the playful hint of the corners of his lips turning up. He then stands up straight, and heads towards his desk. “I’m gonna edit a little more before I hit the sack. Good night you little shit.”
“Goodnight,” Phil calls.
Dan is editing for another twenty minutes more before he decides that it is time for him to finally sleep. He makes his way over to the bed, and he would lie down, but Phil is in the middle, looking cozily wrapped up in the black-and-white duvet.
Dan smiles softly. As he adjusts the covers so that it covers Phil’s feet, followed by tucking him in a little more, he mutters and laughs under his breath, “And I am the one that looks more and more adorable? Has he even seen himself?”
When he’s all done, he takes one of the extra pillows on the bed and tosses it to the ground. He then goes out and grabs one of the last clean blankets, and tosses that to the ground as well.
He doesn’t mind sleeping on the floor tonight.
<<>>
phil: We definitely did great on that project! :D
dan: hECK yeah i hope they grade us soon
phil: alhfdlhls What if I told you that they did already??
dan: W H A T dan: but they usually take ages??
phil: It’s been a couple days materino phil: Plus like, my teacher told me that she graded ours first sooo,, phil: In THEORy it should be up by now! ;P
dan: omgomgomg i just checked and it’s uP
phil: And??
dan: WE GOT AN A
phil: YAY!! All thanks to your amazing art!!
dan: pbbbt your writing is the loveliest thing ever don’t even come for me dan: like shakespeare who?? i don’t know her
phil: Oh shush asdfgjjhg phil: That’s so sweet I hate you
dan: nooooo don’t hate me
phil: Don’t worry Danny boy phil: I don’t think I ever could.
<<>>
The rain outside is dreadfully heavy, and Dan is late. Usually, that wouldn’t be anything out of the ordinary, but he had been doing so well with being on time these past few weeks. Since there is no point to alarms if they don’t even work as they should, alarm clocks are dead to Dan now.
When he runs in, he looks so scattered. Sleeves are three-fourths rolled up, creating a look that lies somewhere between rushed and on purpose, and to add to that his hair is frizzy, he has mismatching socks (well, one is black and the other is dark grey, but still). A white umbrella that has baby pink ribbons all over it completes the whole ensemble.
Honestly? A fashion icon.
Phil sees him on the way to his second period class, and he has to cover his mouth to keep from giggling at the sight of Dan looking completely frazzled from the rain. One little laugh does escape him though, but he can’t help it: what is likely Dan’s little sister’s umbrella makes Dan look cute as heck.
Yet when Phil begins to lightly run towards him to give a quick hi, something doesn’t seem right.
Dan’s tattoos seem… Blurry?
At first glance, the ink seems to be what Phil expects it to be. That being, what Phil knows to be on Erin’s own arms: grey, stormy clouds. Yet at the same time— it seems to have changed?
Phil is just standing in place now, stopped in his tracks, a fair distance away from him still. He isn’t looking up close, the exposed skin on Dan’s forearms show it all. The texture is off and that the colors are melding together in an unnatural way, and overall it is just wrong.
Phil continues to stand by and watch.
Dan rolls up his sleeves more, revealing his whole arm. When he reaches into his locker, he takes out a variety of art supplies, of various mediums and hues and purposes, and begins to mess around a bit with the tattoos. As if he’s touching up.
Why would he need to…? Oh.
They’re fake. The tattoos are fake. And scratch what Phil said earlier— they are not blurry. They are smeared.
Dan finishes his work relatively quickly, and by that time, Phil has already begun heading to class, asking himself whether or not the scene he just watched unfold in front of him was real. Whether the sight of Dan amending the ink on his skin was true, or if it was a sleep-deprived induced dream. Yet no matter what he tells himself, he can’t deny what he saw.
Eventually Dan looks up and sees Phil’s distant figure. When he lets out an, “Oh hey! Phil!”, a moment passes that seems like a reluctance to greet Dan back. But Phil turns around, because that’s the kind of person he is, and he waves. Dan swears that it seems a bit stiff, though.
After that, Phil doesn’t acknowledge anything else.
He simply bites his bottom lip and keeps walking.
<<>>
(2) missed calls from Danny Boy.
<<>>
“Hey Phil! Let’s head to the library for lunch?”
Phil forces a smile. “Maybe another time, Dan? I have to… uh, go to a teacher.”
<<>>
You missed (5) Skype Video Calls from Daniel Howell.
<<>>
dan: hey why rnt you replying to me? dan: phil, did i do something? ✓ read 9:22 PM
<<>>
Rumors are spreading all across campus. The hallways are littered with whispers and gossip of the school’s proclaimed ‘It Couple,’ and even teachers are chatting about it in the teachers’ lounge. Everyone seems to be aware that Dan and Erin had a falling out, but to be fair, it wasn’t necessarily hard to guess. No one needed to hear it from the source.
It is evident from how they no longer walk together, sit together, or talk to one another. Even more apparent, Erin’s arms no longer displayed the sunrises that everyone believed (she, included) to represent new beginnings and the birth of something new. Instead, it is now rain. It is stormy clouds on a setting horizon, the sunset for the sunrise, to match the end to the beginning.
Even the flowers she had, the precious flowers that convinced even the doubters of her and Dan’s love (if you could call it that), are wilting.
There are claims being made; there are those who are attesting to seeing Dan leave parties early with people on his arm while he has his hand on their waist, as he leads them out the door and to his car. Some said it was Dan whose neck and chest was splattered with purple from what the night had entailed, others said it was his company who adorned the marks. People told of the moans that would come from bathrooms, bedrooms, and even in one instance, a closet, where sounds of ecstasy made passerbys envious and left his partner of the night a pleasured mess.
Amongst all of Dan’s hookups, there is one thing they all have in common: they are all boys.
And that common fact makes Phil’s heart go from skipping a beat at even the mention of Dan’s name to sinking six feet below the floor.
Girls? That he can handle. He can handle it because he is used to it, he has been used to it for years. But Dan being with boys puts Phil on an even playing field— Phil isn't different from any of those boys. He has gone from watching on the sidelines to being an average player on the losing team.
When it comes down to it, these are the truths: he is in love with someone who, until the project, hadn't spared him a glance for years. He is in love with someone who —he was sure of it— had tattoos that were ingenuine and painted on. He is in love with someone who is known for playing the game, for having issues with commitment, for being someone who picked up people then dropped them like flies.
He is in love with someone who lies.
And so now Phil sits on his front porch, writing, restraining himself from going beyond the brink of tears. For someone who treasures honesty, the truth hurts. No matter how much he tries to hold himself back, two or three droplets still manage to escape, smudging some of the words that were written out of a mix of anger, disappointment, and emptiness.
They were words written by a heart who lost the game, a game rigged by a player of the most gut-wrenching emotion.
<<>>
skin of freckled honey and a body of clouds, sweet and soft— in the same way that only thoughts could fabricate the idea of how your lips taste. fabrication does not compare to the reality of it all though and no one ever warned me, for although tattoos of roses don't have thorns blood pours from the prick in my fingertips because i picked you - p.l.
<<>>
Everything is white noise. His surroundings are a blur and his head is pulsing intensely from the conglomeration of far too much alcohol and far too loud music. He can barely feel himself existing within his own body. The bustle of people dancing around him, the sounds of the DJ and the people singing and screaming at the top of their lungs, and the scent of sweat and booze: it’s all much more than he wants in that moment.
But to be fair, he does not really know exactly what it is he wants.
Whoever he is kissing is much more into it than he is, for he isn’t into it at all. He’s barely there, just a shell of a kiss upon the person’s lips. A disappointment for anyone sober to be honest.
Yet the other one couldn’t care less.
“S-so do you wanna, like,” the boy, probably two years younger than him, stammers as they separate for a breath, “Take this somewhere else?”
Numbly, Dan nods. No harm in going along with it, right? “Y-yeah. Yeah, okay.”
On the drive to Dan’s house, the boy (Justin? Jake? Josh? Oh forget it, just calling him J will be easier) is texting rapidly. The entire drive is silent except for those keyboard clicks and the nervous tapping of J’s foot, and from the light of J’s phone screen, Dan can see that J is sporting a huge grin on his face. Dan doesn’t even have to see the texts to know what they are about.
If he were to guess, it would be J bragging to his friends about how he is getting to sleep with The Great Dan Howell™ and how “OMG HE CAN’T BELIEVE IT.” Or you know, another statement that is equally as dumb.
It makes Dan feel sick.
When they actually arrive, things escalate from Dan leading J into his home with his hand on the small of J’s back, to rapidly making out on the couch. The way J kisses him is incredibly zealous. Dan tries his best to match his passion, but his efforts fall short. It’s just different, for Dan’s kisses are intense in a different manner; his lips press against J’s lips and skin in a way that is almost forceful, as if trying to forget about something.
But regardless of how fervent they both currently are, it all stops the moment the boy reaches to unbutton Dan’s jeans.
Immediately, Dan breaks away.
The boy, Jared, Jace, whatever his name is, looks confused. He leans in in an attempt to just restart where they left off, but Dan only shakes his head. “Sorry,” he says quietly, pushing him off. “I can’t do this. I’m so sorry.”
He gets up, and the younger one awkwardly follows, the way the boy carries himself shows that he is definitely disappointed. When they reach the front door, the boy takes a second to send a quick message, letting his friend know that he needs a ride, knowing what Dan will say next.
“Go home,” Dan tells him, his voice gentle as he opens the door. “You’re sweet, but go home. Please.” A nod from the other passes as a silent “Alright then, goodbye,” and Dan knows that he’ll never see the boy again. When Dan shuts the door and locks it, he runs his hand through his fringe, letting out a groan that comes from deep within his chest.
He makes his way upstairs eventually. When he gets there, he sits upon the edge of the foot of his bed, elbows resting on his knees and his head in his hands, pulling at his hair. His knuckles are white when he forms a fist, fiercely punching the bed once. And that’s the point where he just yells.
Dan yells so loud that it genuinely scratches his throat, it is of such volume that it bounces off the walls of the empty house.
Next, he just allows himself to fall onto the bed. His body sprawls out in the center, amongst all of his sheets that should seem familiar, yet somehow don’t smell like home at all. His eyes are squeezed shut. One hand reaches up to rub his one eye, the other arm rests in place and remains outstretched.
After some time, breaking the quiet, a soft gravelly whisper finally leaves his lips. “Dang, she might’ve been right all along…”
<<>>
chris: i heard from pj that u + phil aren’t on the best of terms right now chris: you okay mate?
<<>>
daniel james howell. flashback; age sixteen.
from chris, to dan (and 63 others):
party tonight. my house (u should know the address, lmk if you need it tho) until whenever u wanna leave ! gon be lit be there or be square lads
He only had a little bit of time before Vanessa —well, because she insists he actually calls her Van— arrived. Chris Kendall was having the party of the summer to celebrate the end of the school year and the beginning of vacation because his parents were out of town, and he and Van agreed that they would go together.
As a casual thing of course, nothing serious.
The party started in about half an hour. Black skinny jeans that were ripped at the knees and a shirt he knew he looked good in was the look of choice for the night. He nearly chose to leave his hair in waves, but after he ran his fingers through his fringe he ultimately decided against it. His hair looked stupid if it was anything but straight.
Right when he was straightening the last curl, the doorbell rang. How perfectly timed, and even their arrival at the party was perfect too: not too early and not too late. As soon as they got there, they were greeted by the mob of people who were bumping along to the music. While they gave quick greetings to their friends, they quickly made their way into the center, amongst all those who were dancing like it was the night of their lives.
Van had her hands on his chest, her moves sensual and easy. She’s dancing with him, and Dan doesn’t hate it, because any onlooker could tell that she was very attractive. She’s pretty, and admittedly they have had fun together before, but Dan had realised for a while that he hadn’t been actively interested in her for quite some time.
But who was he to decline her company when they should be having fun?
“Let’s go grab some drinks,” Van commented, as she took his hand to drag them both out of the cluster of partying bodies. Even before she reached the drinks table, people started to hand her drinks as if they knew exactly what she wanted. She grabbed two, nudged Dan with her elbow, then held out the one cup out to him. “Drink some, Dan!”
Dan made a face, unsure. “I dunno, I don’t usually drink much…”
She gave an ‘ol pbbbt and a playful eyeroll that clearly meant that she didn’t want no for an answer. Van gestured towards the cup in her hand once more, and with her eyebrows raised up at him, she follows up with a plead. “C’mon! Take a fuckin’ sip babe.”
Giving in, he took the drink from her, downing it all in a matter of gulps. Van laughs, and they went right back into partying.
However, whether he realised it or not, one sip had quickly turned into multiple sips. And sips turned into finishing the cup, and one finished cup turned until multiple finished cups, and then he completely lost count. He’s completely, he thought as he hiccuped, he’s completely —as his friends would say— tabled.
If he’s honest, he had no idea how much time had passed. He just knew that he was currently all over the place, dancing one moment, chatting the next, then suddenly beer pong or something after that. When the music got softer, that’s when his drunk high started to diminish too, and that’s when he started to get tired.
He terribly needed a bed.
It was at this time that he started to head towards the stairs (anything after that however, he couldn’t recall for the life of him).
<<>>
Why is Phil doing this?
Dan knows he’s not imagining it. Dan can feel Phil distancing himself away from him more and more with each passing day, and he just wants to know why. It’s not just ignored texts, Phil won’t even glance at him. And that’s what really hurts about it all.
At lunch, he goes to “their” spot in the library, but Phil isn’t there. He brings food and everything, but even if he waits, Phil never shows. As a matter of fact, he isn’t in the library at all. To add more salt to the wound, when Dan goes to the cafeteria to check out the lunch table where PJ, Chris, and Louise sit at, Phil isn’t with them either.
Even when it is time for class, Dan is determined. He shows up first rather than last in an effort to try and sit by him. Dan will get him this time he’s sure, because he knows that Phil likes having time to himself in the beginning of class. Dan knows Phil. Dan is positive that he is right in this notion —there is no way he wouldn’t be— and when Phil walks in through that door, Dan will just talk to him and everything will be normal again.
But as if he’s aware of Dan’s plan, Phil ends up arriving last. Every time.
<<>>
“Please Chris!” his tone is embarrassingly pleading, but Dan doesn’t care. Anyone could be listening in on their conversation as they’re strolling the halls, but Dan doesn’t care about that either, he just grabs Chris’ arm and begins shaking it violently as he keeps begging (these are clearly some great persuasive tactics he’s using, perhaps he should consider becoming a lawyer).
“Pleaaaseee!! Talk to your cute boyfriend for me!”
Chris stops in his tracks, nearly making Dan stumble. He stares at Dan dead in the eyes. “Okay first of all, only I can call him cute, back off. And second,” he says the last parts slowly as he takes a couple tentative steps forward. “I don’t think it would be smart. If anything, you can talk to my cute boyfriend yourself.”
Dan lets go of Chris’ arm, letting out a small reluctant exhale. “Okay. Fine.”
It takes a while. Dan has to wait until the afternoon finally comes to an end in order to talk to PJ, and even then, it takes a good chunk of time to convince him. Dan’s proposition is for PJ to somehow provide Dan with an opportunity to talk to Phil.
At first, PJ declines. Right away.
But then he manages to go from “Oh, I don’t know Dan…” to “Alright, okay,” after a little over an hour of persuading. After Dan explained the circumstances, and with a bit of begging, PJ changed his mind. He makes it clear that he’s not the most supportive of Dan right now due to Phil’s current state, but that he is appreciative of the fact that he did make Phil so happy before.
And above all, there is one thing that PJ can’t deny, and that is that Phil deserves closure. If anything.
PJ looks away from Dan, not able to directly meet his eyes. He scratches the back of his neck, before turning to face him once more, voice firm. “He’ll meet you in room 109, alright? Tomorrow, fifteen minutes after school ends. I’ll tell them there’s a meeting for a club he’s in or something. But if you miss it… That’s on you. This is the only chance you’re getting.”
<<>>
The clock on the classroom wall shows that seven minutes have passed since their supposed meet-up time. Not that he was counting or anything. Understandably, Dan can’t help but to feel on edge, for what if PJ changed his mind?
What if Phil never comes?
Out of nowhere, words start coming from the other side of the door. “Yeah, this is the room. Text me when you’re done, and I’ll give you a ride home.”
“Thanks for letting me know about this meeting Peej.” That one is Phil. That’s definitely him. “You’re a great friend.”
The door then opens with a flourish. Phil closes it behind him.
Dan coughs, making Phil turn around. He does a small wave and says meekly, “Hey, Phil.”
Phil’s eyes widen and the color drains from his face. “Oh no. Oh no no no…”
“Phil, please listen to me—”
“But I don’t even want to talk to you…” Phil’s firmly points out. He is looking all around the classroom, at every place and every thing except for Dan. Annoyed, he mutters, “I knew that something was up when PJ said there was a meeting for a new writing program. It just seemed sudden, and I never heard anyone talking about it or anything…”
“Phil, please talk to me?”
“And why should I?”
“Please.”
Instead of responding right away, Phil walks over to Dan, and gets all up his face. He nearly spits at him, and to be honest, he kind of wants to. Inked images of flames are flickering from his bottom of his neck, threatening to reach his chin. He entire demeanor is radiating with bitterness. “Don’t you get it? Can’t you take a hint?” He crosses his arms. “You’re with her, and I’m a total idiot, and you can just live your happy lie. Ignorance is bliss, right?”
“What are you even saying, I don’t understand…” Dan’s voice trails off, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Brashly, Phil grabs Dan’s arm, hastily rolling up the sleeves. His lips are pressed into a straight line as he takes out his water bottle from in his backpack. Proceeding to pour a bit of water onto Dan’s forearm, he then takes his hand and rubs across Dan’s skin.
The ink smears, as Phil expected.
A sharp intake of breath comes from Dan. His eyes widen, and suddenly it’s like something has lodged itself in his lungs. Frantically, he waves his hands, crying, “Phil, whatever you’re thinking right now, don’t believe it! There’s more to the story, I promise you…” Phil doesn’t respond, he simply twists the bottle cap closed and slips the water bottle back into his bag. “Can we just talk? We need to talk, Phil!”
Phil’s voice is hard and stilted. He doesn’t acknowledge what Dan is saying, not really, but his words speak directly to him. “Dan, if anything, you have to understand this: the project is done, so there is no logical reason for us to talk anymore—”
This is where Dan attempts to shut Phil up. Hurriedly, he had leaned in to close the space between them, with the aim for a chaste kiss on the lips. Just so Phil would stop talking and calm down. That kind of thing works in the movies, right?
But Dan misses.
He misses because Phil turned his face, so that instead of his lips, Dan would hit his cheek instead. A futile attempt overall. When they return to simple eye contact, Phil is anything but pleased. Dan grimaces. He’s worried now.
“Art students,” begins Phil bitterly, “are the worst.” He moves his head so his fringe is out of his face, and all of his focus is on Dan. He shakes his head, a forced chuckle almost escaping his lips.
“Just so you know,” Phil’s eyes are like steel. Unbearing, unyielding, a disclosure with resolve. His words are steady. “I was pretty damn close to falling in love with you.”
Dan’s expression has become a mess of emotion, his voice laced with a desperate want for Phil to stay. Yet Phil is already for the door. “Well I’m pretty damn sure—”
Phil cuts him off one last time, his fingers lingering on the door handle. His face turns so that Dan can see his profile, but can’t see his expression. To be fair, he doesn’t need to, for the impenetrable accusing, disappointed tone of his voice is undeniable.
“Do you tell that to everyone you sleep with?”
<<>>
philip michael lester. flashback; age fifteen.
Apparently this party was supposed to be a big one. More so than usual anyway, and that was why James had forced him to go— and that was why he was here. People seemed to be filling up the house to its brim, and the scent of sweat and alcohol blended into what Phil guessed to be whatever Nirvana imagined teen spirit would smell like. When Phil and James arrived, they were greeted with the same chorus of “heyyy!”s that all the other houseguests probably had to endure.
They had only stepped through the entrance moments ago when James had nudged him in the side with his elbow. “I’m just gonna go and mingle, yeah?”
Phil just passively nodded him off in reply, and turned around to head towards the living room. Before he makes his leave, James patted him on the back with a brief, “‘Kay mate, I’ll be back in a minute.” Phil rolls his eyes, because he highly doubts that. Yeah, yeah. That’s what he said every time.
An hour and a half passed on by. To elaborate, an hour and a half was how long it took for Phil to finally look up from his phone, get up from his spot on the couch, and go to the kitchen for a change of pace, and maybe a drink perhaps. His journey to the kitchen was mildly ruined however, when he realised James had been preoccupied —and was still preoccupied— with making out with someone in the hallway.
Phil simply pursed his lips, blatantly ignored it, and headed towards the drinks. Despite being close, the two were never actually close. As evidenced, that guy was never really a good friend anyway.
Life sucks sometimes, you know? Phil grabbed the nearest drinkable-looking liquid. but before he could pour himself anything, he was stopped. Someone else was offering a red solo cup to him.
“Are you looking for something harsh, or you just want to let loose?” The person says.
“Let loose,” Phil affirmed, with a shrug. “I just want to have less of a crappy time to be honest.”
“Well then here you go mate,” he replied, as he handed him the drink. “I’m PJ by the way.”
The conversation took off from there. Introductions were made, and so were jokes and banter; overall they were having fun getting to know one another. PJ was a film-video major, and was studying directing, writing, and special effects. It turned out that they both attended the nearby arts academy, and that they were in the same lunch period. Numbers were exchanged, and agreements to hang out were arranged.
It seemed like a friendship was to start. One already far better than the one with James.
“It’s been great talking to you Phil,” PJ grinned as the conversation came to a close, patting Phil on the shoulder. “I gotta make my way out though! The party host is a past friend of mine, and I just wanna see if I can give a cheeky hello.” With that, he turned and headed off with a little salute.
“See you!”
And with that, the night went on. The party dwindled down, and as early morning approached, people transitioned from either quietly chatting or leaving, to being completely knocked out or sleeping. The sleeping ones included Phil amongst them, who had succumbed to that heavy-eyed feeling on the stairs. It was one of the only places left that was free: his peers littered the couches, the floors, and the hallways. Along with all of these people, there were cups, half-eaten pizzas, and a whole lot of other trash that were haphazardly left upon every surface and within every possible nook and cranny of the house.
The music that had previously been blasting loud enough to vibrate the whole block had now been turned down to a lower volume, presumably by someone who did so out of the courtesy of others. A simple light pulse could be felt through the floor, and it stood as the only sound left to resonate through the house.
Well, except for the footsteps of one person. A person who, in their completely hammered state, had decided that he wanted to sleep in the comfort of a bed, and was thus attempting to trudge their way to a bedroom. That was before they tripped on Phil.
Who was on the stairs.
Blocking his way.
Phil’s eyes kinda squinted and fluttered open, eyebrows furrowed as he half-woke up from the sound of whoever fell near him. Once he realised that someone was helplessly lying face down upon the steps, he made the effort to help them up. Even though he himself did stumble a couple of times.
He placed an arm around the person’s shoulder, and the other did the same back at him. In their matching hazy, sleepy states, they made their way to the bedroom together, nearly tripping on more than one occasion as they attempted to hold each other up on the way up the staircase.
A couple fumbles, and they were finally at the top.
“Are we nearly there?” The guy asked, sounding out of breath.
“Yeah,” Phil replied quietly, as he pushed open the first door he came across. “Yeah, nearly.”
When he opened the door, it was easy to tell that it was probably the master bedroom, for it had a bed fit for kings. The duvet looked silky to the touch, and the pillows looked fluffed to homey perfection. It just seemed so, so inviting.
The music from downstairs could still be fairly heard from where they were. The boy Phil was holding onto sorta hummed along and tried to spin them around the room in a dazed dance.
A laughably graceful spin, an uncoordinated dip. “Mmmm, mmm mm mmm…”
It all quickly went downhill though. Expectedly, rather than dancing, they instead clumsily fell onto the bed, the covers being as soft as they looked. Phil giggled as they fell down.
One person on one side, and the other person next to them. They laid down together, back to back, not touching and ready to fall asleep. Phil’s eyes began to close once more. Both of their breathing patterns were becoming slow and even.
Rustling all of a sudden came from the other side of the bed, the shifting of sheets were followed by a genuine, dazed slur of question. The guy spoke at a volume that hardly goes above a hummingbird’s whisper. “Hey, doyouthinkit’sstrangethat… I don’t know. That society is simply made, made up of concepts that are in… inherently real and. And not real?”
Reluctantly, Phil turned on his side to face him so he could reply. He yawned, and shrugged. His voice is gravelly. “I don’t know. Maybe. Some people see marriage as just being a piece of paper.”
The stranger nodded, seemingly accepting his answer. “That’s, that’s true...” He paused for a moment, taking a second to think before he voiced his next thought. “Hmmmm, next question: why are we here?” His voice was more stable now, despite all the alcohol in his system. Probably because he was more awake due to holding a conversation.
“If this is an existential question, that’s too much thinking.” Phil’s face scrunched up as he attempted once more at a better response, but inevitably gave up. A mostly-tired tipsy brain is only capable of so much at two am. “It’s too early for that, mate. Sorry. But if you’re asking for why I’m at this party? Then it’s because,” Phil moved his body so he could be more comfortable, resting his head on his arm. “Well, my friend forced me to come.”
The other one’s body mirrored Phil’s, moving in the bed as he did in order to better situate himself. He replied with a nonchalant shake of his head. “I did mean it as existentia-whatever, but eh, you’re right. Too much thinking. I’m here because of a friend too.”
Somehow, they began to talk about everything. And by everything, it meant just that: worries, fears, existential thoughts, random animal facts. They became so relaxed yet so awake, because if they closed their eyes they would miss these fleeting moments of an almost trance-like unreality. There were no holds barred. Everything left was raw.
After a while, there was a lull. It’s either that or they have fallen into a comfortable silence, Phil truly didn’t know. They were both still lying face to face —but also not really looking at each other— in an absentminded stupor. The stillness was broken when the guy reached over, almost as if he wanted to play with Phil’s hair. He hummed and muttered, “You kinda look like my neighbor, you know?” Phil’s eyebrows only raise slightly in response, like a silent question of “Oh really?”
Dan pursed his lips with an mmhm, decidedly rubbing the black locks in between his fingers and brushing Phil’s fringe out of his face. “You are the prettiest boy I have ever seen, you know...”
After hearing those words, Phil took the other’s hand into his, away from playing with his hair. He brought their hands down to rest in between the both of them, fingers interlocked. Chrysanthemums quickly bloomed on the boy’s face in a blush, which then faded as fast as they appeared. “And that is you, to I,” said Phil.
The boy laughed, the flowers reappeared on his cheeks for several moments fiercer and brighter than before, right before they faded again once more, slowly this time. A soft rosy patch of red on the apples of his cheeks was all that was left behind upon his flushed face. “What are you, a poet?” he jokes.
“Maybe,” Phil smiled.
Whoever made the first move after that moment wasn’t relevant. It was just that at one point they were no longer at an arms’ length away from each other, but yet they somehow had moved closer to one another. Close enough for Phil to see that this pretty boy had the prettiest eyelashes and the softest brunette hair, and for the other to see his three favorite colors within Phil’s eyes. They were simply lying down amongst shared bedsheets face-to-face, alcohol on their breath; two boys with no care in the world.
Phil moved forward just the slightest bit more, letting go of the guy’s hand to move and kiss him behind the ear first, where a tattoo of a marigold immediately began to bloom. Then Phil continued and left soft kisses down the male’s neck.
In response the boy sighed with the quietest ah, nearly moaning from the slightest touch. With the utmost tenderness, he ran his hands across Phil’s shoulders and down Phil’s arms, letting one hand rest on Phil’s waist before he leaned in and gave him a peck of a kiss, making the both of them smile.
“Your touch is so gentle,” Phil says to him. Echoing the other’s words from earlier, Phil continued in a teasing tone, “What are you, an artist?”
The boy only winked, with a hint of a knowing smirk. “Maybe.”
That portion of humanity’s daily twenty-four hours in which the ongoing evening merged with the early day, and when the stars met the morning sunrise, was not only comprised of only the physical world that night, but also of the whispers of yes between strangers and the unspoken confessions between two people who had somehow already met. Perhaps through a past life, or unknowingly, a connection even closer than that.
Because even acquaintances can be something more.
In the morning, it’s skin against skin, amid silken bedsheets and marks from the night before. Their legs were entangled with one another— leaving daisies around Phil’s ankles, while the boy’s arms around him left daisies upon Phil’s shoulders.
When Phil awoke, sunlight had only begun to trickle in. Reluctantly he moved to break away from the guy’s hold, careful to not wake him up, and groggily, Phil grabbed for his phone that was on top of the nightstand.
Four missed calls. Seven texts. His mother must be worried sick.
from mom, to phil:
Where are you Philip???!!!! I’ve called you so many times!! I trust you to be alright, but please contact me to ease your old mother’s heart. Come home as soon as you can, dear. Call me.
Phil sat up on the edge of the bed. Cellphone in hand, he immediately dialed for his mother. As it rang, he began to shuffle around the room to pick up his clothes off of the floor. Pants here, shirt there. Boxers somewhere. The phone rang five times, to which afterwards it then went to voicemail, accompanied by the traditional “Please leave your name after the beep!”. While he struggled to put his jeans on, Phil pinned the phone in the nook between his shoulder and ear.
“Yeah, mom? Sorry I didn’t answer or come home right away, I fell asleep at the party from last night. I’ll be heading there now. Don’t worry, I’ll take a taxi or uber or something.” A quick message and then he hung up, it was just a sign to let her know he was okay. Finally, he slipped his shirt on over his head.
Before he left, he took one last glance at the boy in the bed. It was only at this point does he realise exactly what happened last night. He wasn’t a stranger at all, in fact Phil knew him, he knew him much more than he would like to admit.
The boy was Dan. Dan, the one Phil admired from afar, the one he wrote about in secret.
Phil bit his lip, feeling a twinge of something twist his insides. It’s a mix of guilt and some other emotion. His stomach did not contain butterflies, oh no; right now his ribcage swelled with bumblebees. Stabbing the inside of his chest, filling his lungs so he couldn’t breathe.
But perhaps that was only fitting. Because that couldn’t stop him from confessing the fact that this sight of Dan left Phil a bit breathless.
A state that left Dan looking so vulnerable, while at the same time, looking so damn gorgeous.
Leaning down, Phil’s fingers grazed Dan’s forehead so that he may push those adorable curls aside, and his lips left a light kiss on Dan’s forehead, just above the space between his eyebrows. A farewell that would have to suffice, for after that Phil went back home.
When Dan awoke, he woke up to strewn sheets and duvet, and a slight tingling of where someone had left their mark— literally. There was a small red heart where Phil unknowingly kissed him, along with even smaller ones splattered along his hairline. When he touched them, they gave him a pleasant feeling, but at the same time he was just confused.
On Monday, when he went back for the last day of school, he hid the hearts under his fringe. If anyone were to catch a glance at them, he’d say they were freckles.
The matching redness of his cheeks and his glance towards the floor alluded to otherwise, though. And the way he picked at his shirt collar that hid a hickey or two showed that he was a bit unsure as to where exactly they came from.
<<>>
It has been almost three weeks since he first started avoiding Dan. At first it wasn’t on purpose at all, it was simply a reaction. He felt like he couldn’t help it— he just didn’t want to be around Dan for a while. Being around Dan felt like a confrontation.
But now, Phil is well aware that he has been purposefully distancing himself from him. From ignoring Dan’s texts and calls, taking a different route to classes, and turning the other cheek when Dan attempts to catch his attention. He has been doing it all.
And each and every time he does it, it hurts him. The feeling of contrition makes his insides wrench.
A new tattoo appeared on his thigh a while ago. It’s a clock. Every time he avoids Dan’s persistence, another crack appears on the clockface.
Needless to say, the clock is very close to being completely shattered.
People say that time heals all wounds, and at this point, Phil is praying that the saying rings true. The very idea of disingenuity tears him apart, because if something is built on falsehoods, does it even have any true worth? The answer is no, it doesn’t.
If he were to consider the amount of time he has spent on Dan, Phil has worn his heart on his sleeves for years. Dan was never his, but yet Phil feels like he lost him.
So much of himself, more than he’ll ever want to admit, has gone into this boy. It’s too much. Putting more of himself into someone who does not seem to value him to nearly the same extent is exhausting, and ultimately emotionally draining. Letting it continue on isn’t right.
This is the right choice. Phil is making the right decision, for he is considering every element of the bigger picture. So what if he didn’t hear Dan out back then? That he didn’t listen to what Dan had to say? He’s sure that Dan will just try to cover up his tracks, and move on. He’s sure that Dan’s just that kind of guy, the one who sees everything as temporary, ultimately forgetting about Phil in a matter of months. Dan will just be dishonest because it benefits him somehow. Phil is positive about that.
Because more than anything, Phil doesn’t want to be in love with a liar. And that’s what Dan is.
He needs to put everything behind him.
Phil needs to end it all tonight.
<<>>
pj: Are u sure
phil: I’m sure.
pj: Alright. I let her know. She says you can be the last performer so you should be ready by then
At the last moment, Phil took into consideration what PJ told him about the slam poetry night, and he asked PJ to let the teacher know that he wanted to participate in the school-run event taking place at the local cafe.
Phil decides to do it because such a great number of his poems are about this boy. PJ was right about Dan being his muse; Phil would write stanzas upon stanzas based on him in messy scrawls in the margins of his school notes and frantic jots on his hand.
If he mentioned eyes, the color would always be brown. If he wanted to create a particular atmosphere, it would almost always be one of warmth. And if they were about love… Phil wrote from experience, because that was an emotion he was all too familiar with.
That is why this performance tonight needs to happen. He needs to get all of this pent up emotion out of his heart and into the world, rather than keeping his feelings restrained to the confines of himself, wishful thinking, and paper.
Phil glances at where the current poet is standing. Whoever is at the microphone right now is doing great, and it is only making him more anxious. The audience is clearly affixed to their words, eating it all up, and clearly enjoying the show.
Remember, tonight is not about the actual performance, Phil whispers to himself.
His palms are laying flat against the table in front of him; an abundance of the poems he has written are scattered all over the surface. There are scribbles in various pen colors and the worn papers are even ripped in some places. Any onlooker could see that these pieces were nothing but the tangible forms of pure amour.
After tonight, the burn he feels in his chest at the thought of him will stop, and the ashes of discarded literature will be its only remains.
Itwillstopitwillstopitwillallstop.
A vibration sends a tremor through the table when his phone screen lights up.
from dan, to phil:
where are you?
Phil picks up his device and shuts it off. Although it could be said that this night was about Dan, it is mostly about Phil, it is about Phil’s feelings, it is about Phil putting it all behind himself. He needs this.
Because it’s justified, right?
Two taps are hitting on his shoulder. It’s PJ, who actually ended up becoming a spur-of-the-moment volunteer to manage the behind-the-scenes for tonight. He leans in to whisper to Phil. “You’re on in a minute or two.” And almost as if he could sense Phil’s worrying, he continues and reassures him with, “You’ve got this, you’ll be great. I believe in you.” PJ clasps his hand on Phil’s shoulder, and gives it a squeeze. At that, he corners of Phil’s lips turn up slightly. He really is grateful for having a friend like him.
“Thank you.”
The supposed minute or two passes by quickly, and soon enough they are introducing Phil’s name. “The final poet of the night,” is what they say. Phil takes a deep breath and goes under the spotlight, the cool metal of the microphone in his hand is doing its best to calm him. He holds onto it tightly. With the spotlight in his eyes, and the cafe lights dimmed, he can’t see the audience at all.
Perhaps that’s for the best. For more reasons than one.
Because right when Phil opens his mouth to begin, someone quietly enters into the cafe. Despite the fact that the slight little twinkling of bells signaled his entrance, no one pays any heed to him.
He chooses to sit in the back.
And Phil notices nothing at all.
“brown is all sorts of golden, in the sense it gives as much warmth as a gentle sun…”
After a few poems, some cafe patrons swear that they see a shadow move from the back of the cafe to the front, as if to listen to the poet better.
“...for although tattoos of roses don't have thorns, blood pours from the prick in my fingertips because i picked you”
With every line, with every poem, with every eloquent sentence having their origins rooted in enclosed secrets, each word that leaves his lungs also lifts a small weight off of his shoulders and manages to carry it over to listening ears. Everything is on the line tonight. Every emotion is on Phil’s sleeve, not just his heart, and every person in the room is hanging on to each otherworldly wordy confession that falls from his lips. And speaking of confessions, Phil’s biggest one is coming up. He wrote it last night, so it’s fairly new.
His final poem. About everything.
Including the night from two years ago.
“young days are of bubbles and bubble gum little girls are so kind, they are so soft that little boys can’t help but fall for them with their small smiles and neat handwriting from tentative hands for a crush and descend
however, i never took the plunge for i saw a boy who was softer: with a subtle cotton candy blush who grew daisies from concrete and carnations on flushed cheeks
a mirage, admiration from afar became inkstained fingertips and etched scrawls on every surface imaginable
(he had freckles that were far more than just constellations, they were made of stardust)
adolescent times; time stopped for one drunken night when only the moonlight was sober, an evening full of whispers and kisses and care that faded when faced with the sun
artists are known to create somethings out of nothings with elements derived from the earth, they turn strokes into paintings clay into sculptures a-and unspoken promises—”
He coughs, his voice caught up in his throat.
“and unspoken promises into h-hope”
Phil’s voice is wavering. His eyes aren’t on the audience anymore. Instead, he’s staring at the floor.
Hands shaking.
“poets are known to write about tragedies and this is no exception there is red on those hands: is it from the words of my pen, your paint on my skin? or perhaps from the thorns from the flowers that bloomed, with your smile that could make the heart grow fonder
perhaps he truly loved her but his smile could tempt a lover
and my dear, even the lawfully good fall into temptation.”
He’s out of breath now. By the end, he was just rushing to get the last few words out, and he was straining his throat. His eyelashes are wet, he can feel them, and he knows that he’s probably on the brink of crying.
Phil bites the inside of his cheek. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t know what will come next. He stays standing there for a moment more, doing a small nod and awkward bow. Barely registering the trickling of applause, his shoulders curl in and he crosses his arms, one hand reaching to rub the place where the all too familiar daisies bloomed.
Would they still be there?
When Phil steps out of the light, it is an unexpected sight. Dan is there, right in front of him: one of Dan’s hands is all tremors while the other is reaching up to his face, desperately wiping away his salty tears. Dan’s hair, in those beautiful curls Phil loves, are in disarray; Dan’s lip trembles; Dan’s eyes are red and looking up at him through wet eyelashes that match his own. It is a state of vulnerability that only God should see. And seeing that? That is the breaking point.
A truth revealed. Barely louder than a bumblebee’s hum, that Phil almost misses it, but good thing that he happened to be great at reading lips.
“I love you,” Dan whispers.
Now that is true the breaking point. At that moment, Phil breaks into sobs, and they both reach out to one another to each other into a bone-crushing hug. “A conversation between us is long overdue,” one of them mumbles into the other’s neck, and the other one just nods, unable to respond with words.
They’re in tears.
<<>>
“I wrote poems about you, you know. Mostly on my front porch. I would never see you, but I always hoped that I would catch a glimpse of you.”
“I would paint in my backyard, among all the plants. I loved painting roses in watercolor, they were my favorite, but so many paintings of mine were made with three particular hues: blue, green, and yellow. My favorite colors. And they just so happen to be the colors of your eyes.”
<<>>
Out on a sidewalk curb, two boys sit with a cup of local coffee. “It’s good to support local businesses,” one says, “and Starbucks is overrated.”
“Yeah I know, you’ve told me,” the other replies. “I remember everything you tell me.”
He puts his head on the other boy’s shoulder. The other boy lifts his hand to gently wipe away the tear stains on the boy’s cheek with his thumb, while the boy softly places a kiss on the other one’s neck.
<<>>
You have (1) voice mail from Philly-delphia.
“I’m sorry for distancing myself from you. Call me back? Let’s meetup and talk. Bye bye.”
<<>>
“I’m sorry for not telling you the whole truth. But please know that I didn’t mean to— I wasn’t even being honest to myself. I don’t think I have been honest to myself for a long time now.”
“Dan, it was immature for me to assume. To be frank? Out of line. It was stupid for me to be upset over what you were doing with your own life. What you do isn’t my choice, and I shouldn’t have been so personally affected by it.”
“We’re our own people, of course. I know you know that. And besides, I get where you were coming from.”
“What do you mea—”
“If I lost you, I probably wouldn’t be thinking rationally either.”
A pause.
“...I shouldn’t have acted like you were mine, when you weren’t mine to own.”
“A fair point. And you’re completely right. But I think you’ve had me since the beginning, Phil Lester. I feel like I’ve finally found something that I’ve been looking for my whole life.”
<<>>
dan: let’s take it slow?
phil: That sounds perfect.
<<>>
For centuries, humanity has held art to the highest of esteems. Early neanderthals began it all with their coarse hands, withdrawing dirt from the earth below their feet to leave marks upon rugged stone walls that conveyed the beginnings of history. In the millenniums that followed, a sort of elitism has formed around the most talented ones who have managed to make a name for themselves. The names of these creators are commonplace in many households amongst the nations; buildings are erected with the mere purpose of showcasing such artistic creation.
Perhaps it is for that reason that the phenomenon in which ink would envelop one’s skin was thus regarded as a wonder, rather than as an alarming fright.
Despite seeming harmless, precaution took place of course: scientists all over the globe have dedicated themselves to research the peculiar tattoos. Theories ranging from genetic mutations related to the brain’s creative processes to shifts in the earth’s overall physical environment resulting in a strange seismic change have arisen, but nothing about their origins have been confirmed as of yet. For that matter, nothing has been confirmed as to how exactly they appear either.
There are two people though, who have it all figured out. No matter how many times you ask them, they will always give the same answer: if anything, they appear out of love, they’ll tell you that.
They have graduated now. They are at a graduation party right now actually, and their time at their high school art academy has finally come to an end. Blood, sweat, and tears have been spilled all over the canvases and films and publications and music at that institution, and now every student can only rely on hope that their work does not go to waste as they move on to pursue the rest of their future.
But for now, that kind of worrying does not exist.
There are no drinks this time around. Okay, maybe one or two, and perhaps they are a little tipsy as well, but they are definitely not drunk. They are, however, definitely on a bed again.
Dan and Phil are lying together on a bed again.
Phil throws a question into the air between them. “You know, this is how we met?” Although the words come out in a way that sounds like a rhetorical question, Dan nods.
“I wish I remembered more,” admits Dan. Phil squeezes his hand, and this time, it’s Dan’s turn to ask a question. “Do you regret it?”
Phil thinks for a moment. “I regret how it happened. So in that way, I do, a bit. Maybe even a little more than a bit. Even though I remember that night, the details of it all are hazy, and we weren’t really in the best state of mind.” Dan curls into Phil’s chest, looking up at him as he listens to him speak. Phil affectionately looks back at him. “But then again? I don’t regret that it took place. In some ways, I feel like that night was our starting point.”
With Phil’s arm wrapped around his waist, they are only a breath apart from one another. “And now we’re here,” whispers Dan. His lips pepper a few soft kisses upon Phil’s skin.
Phil echoes Dan’s words with a fond smile, placing a kiss on top of Dan’s head. He absentmindedly runs a hand through the brunette’s waves, Dan finally confident enough to adorn the curls after all those years.
“Yeah, and now we’re here.”
When Dan then comments on how far they’ve come and Phil marvels at how much they’ve grown, it is to be noted that their growth is not just a growth of spirit, or of themselves as people. It’s also evidenced, it’s also proven that is, by their skin.
The single marigold behind Dan’s ear is now a small gathering of flowers. Its stem winds down his neck, its petals and leaves falling to meet the leaves of the tree that grows on his back. The tree on his back is grand, absolutely lovely and absolutely bountiful. Its signs of life are held within every branch, and where the roots end on his hips, are a freckling of small hearts. According to Phil, it is because it thrives off love (“that’s so cheesy,” dan always says. laughing, phil always replies, “it’s supposed to be cheesy!”).
In the meantime, Phil has a whole garden on his shoulders, with flowers of every hue and type. If he ever took the time to search up the meanings, they would not only mean love, but forever, and admiration, and warmth, and together. Upon his ankles are the cutest little succulents and cacti, pretty little plants that are hard to kill. They remind him to remain grounded, and who it is that helps him do so, a representation of how hard it would be to forget the one who is such a big part of his life.
They are kissing slowly now, every touch between them is an embodiment of care and devotion that would put the bond between the moon and tides to shame. Nothing else exists around them. The future is unknown, but as said before, worries don’t exist here.
Because if they are being honest, they are ready for anything.
<<>>
“Mon enfant! I give you my hand! I give you my love, more precious than money, I give you myself, before preaching or law; Will you give me yourself? will you come travel with me? Shall we stick by each other as long as we live?” - Walt Whitman, Song of the Open Road
(and also, those would happen to be the same lines that dan would propose to phil with a couple of years later.)
Pacific Big Bang 2017: “No Man is an Island” by @armypeaches
“Do you regret it?”
“No. Never.”
“Then it’s not a mistake. And if it’s not a mistake, then there’s nothing to be sorry for.”
“There’s so much to be sorry for.”
broken crown mumford & sons || arsonist’s lullaby hozier || toes glass animals || save today seether || little lion man mumford & sons || all these things that i have done the killers || the wolves ben howard || black flies ben howard || fireproof the national || holocene bon iver || about today the national || the lament of eustace scrubb the oh hellos
[Listen] for the @pacificbigbangblog
-The Rhythm of the Rain- In which Phil is an art major working as a spray paint artist on the streets of London where he meets lots of new people. Tons of Shenanigans ensue. ~~ art i did for @superwholocksbitch ‘s fic for the 2017 Phandom Big Bang. The bants are hella amazing ~~ (ps there’s a secret doodle at the end of the fic c;)
