I've realised a new resolution for this year (they needn't come only on new years!); to make a conscious effort to love myself.
I've always had a degree of self-hatred lurking behind everything I do and I've found that it has hindered my ability to interact socially, in real life and even on the internet. Even currently writing this, i feel a degree of 'nobody cares about your emotions or goals.' It's always been exacerbated by my anxiety and in my worst times I've resorted to damaging behavior towards my self. Once, I decided to list all the terrible things about myself; I reached almost 100. During this breakdown, I told my then boyfriend what i was going through, only to be met with minimal concern/not the help that was needed. Now, I've never expected it to be someone else's responsibility to take care of me and that I, and only I, ought to bear the brunt of working through these low moments but at the same time it really is important that when dealing with a mental illness you surround yourself with a support network. I do not blame him, but it didn't help at the same time.
This event has long since been forgotten until today whilst reading the summer edition of Peppermint magazine, which is all about self-love. I've put so much time into nurturing my physical body through nutrition and exercise but failed to do very much for my mental outlook particularly pertaining to my self-esteem. The self hatred has remained. But I've decided that I have finally reached a point where enough is enough and I need to make a change. Whenever I begin to feel the negativity growing, I am going to strive to think of a positive thing about myself and eventually create a list of positives to serve as a reminder of the good in my soul and show myself that i am, indeed, enough.
So, here's my number 1:
I am prepared to put away petty grudges in order to protect the people I care about.
I stopped a person I have bad blood with from driving drunk with one of my good friends in the car, drove them myself and then hid the keys for him to find when sober.