#potentially plural

[lillyorlyracat]

Remember when I was posting about my potential plurality im doing it again oh my GOD I just wanna know if I actually am or if im bullshitting myself why the hell cant it be so simple why cant it be a YES or a NO motherFUCKER

ARE YOU GUYS OUT/IN THERE???? OR DO I JUST TALK TO MYSELF IN MY HEAD USING VOICES I RECOGNIZE SOMETIMES?????

RAAAAAAHHHHG

And I know that i might literally not be able to know that at this point in time which is even MORE frustrating agghgg like I wanna know NOW I WANNA KNOW NOWWW AAAAHHHHHFHDGRHDGRHRR

[lillyorlyracat]

I think I might be this. Or.. we? Oh god. Doing a bit of research with my boyfriend who is the host of a DID system is inching me closer to figuring something out about myself that sounds a LOT like OSDD and a LOT like a proxy system. I don't think I'm in a state where i can learn much more than that at the moment,,,,, but like,,,,, yeah i'm thinking about this a lot

[anaiandananarchist]

i think i just had a shock event

ok so i dont think i told the tumblr dwellers i know here that i have a slight chance of being a system of 2 with a somewhat still subconcious person named monnie (it started with self convos on a doc)

as i type this im still trying to process the feeling but i was talking to two people when this was going on and it felt like monnie took me off the wheel and started talking to them (they speak in formal messaging) and it felt like i was at the back of my? our? our mind ig idk, and it felt so out of body

i didnt expect this to happen immediately nor see it coming, after a bit they complied and got off the wheel. i can describe it as aloof and light but thats all really

[parasite-brained]

Having headmates and them having different identities from me makes it kinda hard to talk to people, it feels like lying in a way, like yeah I'm that thing... but actually I'm not, the other guy in my head is that thing but we're scared to seem like multiple people within one

[parasite-brained]

Watching edits of Still Wakes the Deep, knowing there was nothing we could have done, we were always going to die in the end

Also a lil sad to see people always talking about Brodie, Finlay and Caz being the last ones alive even though I was also supposed to be there

[parasite-brained]

I don't think I'm actually a polymind, I used that word at first because it felt most correct at the time but as ive used more plurality terms and become more comfortable with the idea of being plural, 'polymind' doesn't feel right anymore

I have only a few guys in my head ([so far only these]Fallen, Baby, Ron) and everything else just feels like kins, they don't feel like other creatures in my head, they're just guys that I am and I get regular kinshifts for them and while I may be a little different while kinshifted I'm not a completely different person

Honestly I don't know anymore,, everything is so confusing and I feel so weird and I can't really talk about this with many people :[ I know it's okay to be wrong about stuff and I fully agree with that statement but I would feel so bad if I was wrong about this, it would feel like I'm "faking" it and that's what I would think is the worst part about it,, also I'm gonna continue using polymind/plural for the time being till I fully realize what I am or I'll use those terms with others to experiment

Trying not to stress about this but I am worried,, I just want to cuddle with my husband and pretend I don't exist :<

[parasite-brained]

The others calling me 'host' makes me feel just a little fake(purely my own doubt) but also I think of it like being a parasite and I feel cool :]

[parasite-brained]

Hmmm either I'm definitely not a system or... I've just been left alone by the others and started questioning things again