I've been very down today (ft. lot of crying). I didn't think so before, but it looks like in the back of my mind I expected that today I will finally learn why my ankle hurts and it will be operated on and finally this painful existance will be over.
But the doctor - who already annoyed me before with this exact same communication style, where he ignores enterily what I fucking say - said that the problem is what actually said he first is not the problem, and I should just exercise/train my ankle and lose weight (like 20 kg). And it didn't fucking matter if i was saying "but my ankle hurts even when i don't stand on it, when I just try to move it/turn it sitting down a bit in an outward direction, my left ankle doesn't hurt like this, my weight has been changing over the years* and yet I always had problem with this leg" - he just fucking ignored me. He said that bone that can be seen on the MR cannot hurt me. The pain is bc of the tear on one of the ankle ligament (?) and I need physiotherapy. So he just fucking dismissed me, my experience, my VERY REAL PAIN and basically told me to lose weight. After I already had two paid appointment with him. I felt so humiliated, so hurt in my personhood.
Also my mother's physiotherapist friends said that bone is painful, it cannot be healed with physiotherapy & excercise and I need a surgery. Whoever you should even believe in this godforsaken fucking world?!?
*I also fucking have problem with pre-diabetes and I only got appointment for endochrinology for fucking august - fuck hungarian "free healthcare" btw - bc I gain weight from fucking nothing!! I'm already doing a bullshit fucking diet and taking pre-diabetes medicine. I really have enough of this, of my leg pain and my constant weight gain bullshit that been affecting my mood, my anxiety, my capability to do anything and go anywhere and my self worth in my whole fucking life.