Rank the key new labour figures in order of who you think gives the best hugs?
Worst hugs: Jack Straw. This is fairly self-evident. Why would you want to hug Jack Straw when you can get the same effect clasping a potato sack full of bones without the lingering odour of moral corruption
Robin Cook: Seriously? Why would you want to hug Robin Cook
John Prescott: Comfy but way too much stomach
Tony Blair: No no NO
Harriet Harman: She would TRY but you’d know she’s secretly thinking about destroying the Patriarchy
Gordon Brown: Gordon might almost have been built to be good at hugs. He’s huge and Scottish and generally comforting without being too tall. Sadly God then made him a presbyterian with touch issues, trust issues, and issues generally.
Peter Mandelson: Too thin and tall to rank higher, as it would in practice be like hugging a particularly imperious lamppost, but if he was upset he would drop his head on your shoulder and you would a) feel like an incredibly benevolent God and b) have to resist the urge to mess up his neat floppy hair. If you were upset he’d say very soothing things in his lovely voice and you’d leave feeling ok again
Mo Mowlam: Plenty of cushioning plus the potential to swear cheerfully at you who doesn’t want that
Alastair Campbell: This would be a little bit like hugging a tiger because he could easily kill you any second but honestly who has never wanted to hug a tiger
Best hugs: Philip Gould. I’m thinking 1997 Philip, when he wasn’t slowly becoming skeletal but instead a slightly chubby mass of curls and wonky smiles and unironed shirts. He would hug you like you were his mother and you would feel both powerful and blessed. Thank you.
