My Gynecologist Experiences, Misdiagnosis, & Vaginismus Discovery
I did a ton of research earlier this year and with the assistance of a mirror I decided I had a microperforate hymen. (A hymenal opening way too small to allow insertion.) I could see a hole but it was smaller than a q tip.
I finally sucked up my fears and set a gyno appointment. The appointment was a month away and I was feeling anxious so I went to a women’s health center. I explained all my issues. Impossible sex, a tiny hole, periods that seemed to back up and leave me kneeling in pain.
The gyno had me strip from the waist down. I’m a highly private person so this made me nauseous alone. Then she told me to spread my legs and attempted to force tools inside me. It was an absolute nightmare. No matter how I explained my issues, she just told me to relax and continued. She didn’t listen. Had no compassion or understanding. After failing to insert anything she told me I looked normal and that I just need to relax during sexual attempts and take ibuprofen for any pain. I insisted something was wrong and she told me they couldn’t do anything more for me til I came for a pap smear because I’d never had one. I left the office in tears.
Discouraged and hopeless.
My husband encouraged me to keep my appointment at the other place so I did. I saw a NP and she was much younger and more compassionate. She listened and was sensitive to my issues. During the exam she only did the minimum. No tools or forcing. She agreed that my hymenal opening seemed very small. They gave me an external ultrasound to check my insides, then scheduled me for a hymenectomy with one of the doctors. I was sooo relieved. I thought all my problems were over.
On the surgery day I opted to be put fully under because twilight sleep just sounds too much like sleep paralysis to me. I requested to have a pap smear done while I was under because I knew it was the only way I’d be able to stomach getting one. I was surprised they agreed. The day went by pretty awesome. I woke up and was on cloud 9. I thought I was fixed. The doctor just said to wait a week for sex and that she hadn’t used any stitches.
After a few days of being home I grabbed a mirror to examine the area. I was excited to see a real opening.
It looked exactly the same as before.
I called the doctors office in a panic wondering if it had closed back.
That’s when the doctor decided to tell me she hadn’t done a surgery at all. When I was put under and my body was fully relaxed, the opening was normal. She did a pap and was able to fit in multiple fingers. Apparently my muscles were clenching while I was awake, making everything appear tighter.
I was livid that they allowed me to go home believing I’d had a surgery when I hadn’t. I think she wanted me to believe she fixed me so I would go home and have sex without doubt that it was possible.
I cried for several weeks and didn’t believe her. It had to be physical!
After awhile I finally relaxed enough to begin research vaginal muscles. I grabbed my mirror and tried to “push out” from that area as some forums suggested. Bingo. I could magically see a normal opening. I’d been clenching my muscles every day, all day, for who knows how long, and not even realizing.
I was clenching so tight that during menstruation I was making it hard for any clotting to come out. Causing the backed up feeling and pain.
I practiced the pushing exercise for awhile, then in excitement I wanted to attempt sex again. So we did. And guess what?
There was still the magnificent wall.
I couldn’t understand why my body wasn’t cooperating? What was the issue? I wanted sex. Badly. Why couldn’t I have it?
So I dug back into researching. Vaginismus kept popping up but that made me feel as if I was crazy. So I denied it. I didn’t have some weird psychological thing.
While relaxing with my husband one day we decided to try a finger for the first time. Despite his large hands, he got a finger in easily but I felt a major burning. It was uncomfortable but it was more progress than I’d ever had so I was excited.
I remembered seeing burning as a vaginismus symptom so I dug back into my research.
After reading other women’s personal experiences I finally accepted that vaginismus was my issue.
After months of dealing with avoidance I’ve just ordered a dilator set and a few books. I’m pretty much freaking out inside but I know I can get through this. Next week I begin!
