hint for everyone who has real fucked up sexual/violent OCD obsessions: it feels real for everybody. yes, that real. you might have have unnerving sensations in your groin, in your fingertips, in your lips that make you feel like a set trap. you might understand the emotional logic of why somebody would like and do the things you're thinking about. in your hysteria, you might generate justifications for the act in your mind, unsure of whether you actually mean them. after however long you've been thinking about this one thing, you might feel completely numb to its horror and let your festering imagination play out beside you with no opposition. you might have thought so many bad things that you know you have crossed a line, where now, things forever cannot be undone or unknown. knowing you're horrible, you might not care.
in a year or three or more, you may know that the roiling mess of your brain isn't what you are, that you do not have that awful secret, and that you are never going back to believing it.