Yesterday, it started out ok. I still was feeling pretty guilty about taking up too much time. Feeling like I ask for too much time. We talked a bit, I cried. She held me while playing Animal Crossing, telling me sweet nothings like she wants to spend time with me, she wants to prioritize me. I know she loves me, I love her.
We went out together; while I drove, she was checking her phone. She could pick up some of the things I said. I gave up trying to talk after a while. When I parked, I still doubted if she even wanted to come out with me. Maybe she wanted to work more or talk to her friends more. She said she wanted to go and walk around with me so we did, grabbed some coffee, went thrifting. She bought me something even though she struggles to pay her bills. She got a dress and shorts. She was so excited with the dress, she looked cute in it, twirling around. I headed out to spend time with my family. She had work to do. She hasn't been coming along with me to family things anymore, maybe because it's too hard, maybe because it takes too much time, maybe both or so many other possibilities.
We had talked about watching a movie when I got back, spending more time together even though we already did earlier. She was still working when I got back, things weren't going as smoothly as she hoped. I waited, thinking about our possible date on Friday. When she came down, she was frustrated but seemed done.
She ate dinner and I picked a movie. We started watching, it was a pretty bad movie so she started checking her phone. It was about work and she kept becoming frustrated. I hadn't said before that I'd like her to be done and just watch the terrible movie with me. I hadn't clarified my expectations nor had we agreed what our expectations would be for spending time together. After the second or third time of prodding her (I didn't use my words, my bad), I asked if she still wanted to watch the movie. She said yes and dropped her phone on the table with an exasperated sigh. She said there wasn't much happening in the movie so she wasn't really missing anything. But that's not the point. She started to cuddle me more. It felt disingenuous. She tried to tease me by nibbling my ear and trying to touch me in between my legs, I refused those advances but was still touching her with my leg across hers.
Once the movie ended, we went immediately to our phones. She talked to me about some hate comments from her post and a fan tipping her without coming to an agreement for their custom request. She got on top of me almost like she was looking for me to touch her intimately. I felt gross thinking about being physically intimate right after discussing her Onlyfans. She went back to work to do a live on TikTok.
I began searching for my hot glue gun and listening to my audiobook. I was listening too loud and without earbuds. I ruined her live. I should've known better, I'll just wear my earbud from now on. I asked her to not do lives when I go to sleep. She agreed to go to the basement instead. The sound still travels but I guess that's the compromise.
She feels like she's not doing enough, that she's always doing the wrong thing, that she's just trying to survive. Am I too needy? Am I just asking for too much? Maybe I'm the problem, maybe we just don't work together. Maybe this day was just not our day.
