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When you realize that even a couple weeks is thinking too far into the future and scares you off of some guys but you were cool thinking Months and Years into the future while you were still dating Him

#personal #ethan #Capricorn #relatinoships #friends

Branden’s Top 8 Realizations of 2018

I don’t even think I could come up with one word to describe 2018. Like every year it came with it’s own share of good and bad, highs and lows, hope and despair. I definitely grew a lot this year, and everything I realized shaped me. I learned a lot about myself. I learned who I am, and who I’m capable of being under certain circumstances. I’m looking forward to 2019, which will mark many significant anniversaries in my life. I’m also terrified of 2019, because I’m paranoid bad things come in 3s. 2013 and 2016 were both dark years in my life. I can’t fear the unknown. All I can do is look forward to the future, and the person I’m evolving into thanks to everything I realized in 2018.

1. Love is giving someone your all, only to be left with nothing to show for it.

My breakup was a huge point of my year. Even though it happened all the way back in February I’m still dealing with the trauma of my first relationship. It will forever be my first relationship, and currently the greatest love I’ve ever known. It also was full of lies, deceit, abuse, toxicity, drama, cheating, and I’m still healing from it. I loved my ex with every fiber of my being. I never felt a love like that before. I was there for him when he was broke, jobless, homeless, kicked out my his parents, and even lost the will to live. I sacrificed work, money, friendships, for my relationship was everything to me. I never imagined I’d do many things I did in my relationship. Such as cheat, experiment with being open, have threesomes together, get in physical fights, and most of all I never knew I was capable of such forgiveness. Forgiving his lies, cheating (or attempts at cheating), and forgiving all the ways he hurt me. It was an intense relationship. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about him every day, but I never want to be consumed by that type of toxic, dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship again. I’ve learned a lot from it, and know that I can’t ever put up with half the shit I dealt with with my ex.

2. Social media is an illusion.

Another major thing I learned from my ex, was just how fake social media is. Social media has us believing people are living these enviable lives, when in reality they couldn’t be further from the truth. I was dating someone with 70K followers, yet broke, homeless, jobless, suicidal, no degree, no bank account, car repossessed multiple times, living a complete lie. Is this your king? I don’t understand how people can have that many followers, without buying them, especially if they aren’t a celebrity. My ex was deluded into thinking he was, and blocked me on all social media, before I even knew about his social media, because he wanted to see if I was into him for him or his social media. WTF. I never even saw his page or heard of him before. Social media also has people deluded into thinking they’re someone when they’re not. This is so common in Atlanta. I’ve come across many guys with 10s of thousands of IG followers, yet they’re begging me for shit. I’d rather have a guy with barely any social media followers, if it means he actually has his life together.

3. I have terrible taste in men.

A lot of my realizations do have to deal with my love life, since that’s always at the forefront of my mind. I don’t know what my issue is, but I attract the worst guys. It’s not even like I’m superficial. Attraction is important to me, but I like fat guys. Yet fat guys can still be just as shitty as guys with perfect muscle bodies. Granted these Instagram frauds I fall for used to be fit, but now are fat, but still presenting themselves as fit online. I keep attracting the worst of the worst. Bums, liars, users, frauds, insecure, trash. I know my life isn’t fully together. I have my faults. I can be selfish, manipulative, spoiled, and uncompromising. I also can be extremely selfless, I was with my ex, and look where that got me. I value honesty, integrity, I’m self confident, yet I keep attracting guys with none of the above. Asking for a guy with a degree, a job, his own place, transportation (he doesn’t even have to have car. Just enough money for a Marta Pass/Uber) yet all of that is too much to ask for in Atlanta. It’s pathetic. I ask for the bare minimum, and still get accused of being “unrealistic” with my standards.

4. Bills make life boring.

I didn’t travel at all this year. Well except back to my hometown for Christmas/New Years. I am proud of myself for becoming more financially stable. i’m way better with finances than I was a year ago. It’s just life should be more than about every cent I make going towards bills and food. I want to enjoy life. My 20s are almost over. I want to travel. I want to live it up. I want to explore, have fun, and live a fulfilled life. I signed my first lease ever, and paid my rent on my own for the first time this year. All big accomplishments, and I’m proud of that. I’m just hoping in 2019, I can increase my finances even more so that all of my money isn’t just going towards bills. I have a lot of traveling to do, and fun to accomplish.

5. Once you go black, you may never go back.

I honestly never imagined myself dating, marrying, or being with black men in general. Now after living in Atlanta for a year and a half, I’m starting to question if I’ll ever be able to date a white man again. Environment definitely plays a huge part in our expectations and desires. I went from suburban boy who never had a black friend until college or any interest in black men, to 98% of guys I date/hookup with being black. Granted I’m sure if I move to a more diverse city my dating habits will become more diverse, at least I hope so. Living in Atlanta does make me finally see what most black people experience, and just feeling more comfortable and at ease among other black people. There’s an awkwardness with interracial dating that I never realized before, especially since I was never in a black environment. I do even feel a bit judgmental if I see an interracial couple, and realize the black half of the couple is the type that is only into white, since that used to be me. I see the world differently now. I feel apprehensive again about engaging with those that are “only into black guys” since it feels predatory more than a preference. I feel “woke” in a way I had never been before. it scares me. I kinda hope it’s a phase, since I enjoy interracial dating and want to be open to all palettes like I’ve always been. Even when I was interracial dating all across the board no one besides black men have ever seriously been interested in being my boyfriend.

6. People really allow men to go through life with no accountability.

From bum abusive boyfriends, to bum baby daddies, to absentee husbands, it’s shocking how much bullshit people really allow men to get away with. Why? Why are people settling for trash? Don’t you want better for yourself? Your children? I guess being in a toxic relationship opened my eyes to the dark side of relationships, but I definitely learned I want more for myself, and expect more in relationships than I was getting. I’m glad I can’t get pregnant, so I never have to deal with a shitty baby daddy and being a single mom. Granted gays can still be single parents, but best believe I’m getting my child support. I just see so many family members, acquaintances, and even friends except toxicity in life. From love, friendships, careers. I just can’t deal with any more negativity. If it’s not working for me and causing me strife then it has to go.

7. Life is a revolving door.

It does make me sad to realize how many friends I’ve lost over the years. They’re still alive, we just grew out of touch. I’m grateful and thankful that I’m still close to my core group of friends from high school, and most of my closest college friends. Yet even now I’m lucky if I even see my closest friends once a year. I love my friends, but definitely want to do better next year. More visits. More trips. Which is hard to do when not financially able to, but at least one of us should be able to afford the other, or meet halfway. I miss how close I used to be with all my friends. Even in Atlanta where I’ve made new friends. I’m not even on speaking terms with a lot of my friends I had when I first moved to town, and people are constantly moving away. Adulthood is a revolving door. Relationships come and go. Friendships come and go. Even family members come and go, though death is usually the reason for their exit. It’s sad and scary. We all need romantic relationships, friendships, and family to help us through life. I value my relationships, and want to strengthen all the ones I have, along with building new ones in 2019.

8. If I believe it, I can achieve it.

2018 wasn’t all breakups, doom, and gloom. A lot of good things happened this year. My proudest achievement is that I set a goal at the beginning of the year to get 3 new speaking parts, and I did it! It’s not easy getting cast, especially with how much competition there is in Atlanta. I’m grateful for every role I’m casted in, since it could have easily gone to someone else’s and I’d still be struggling and looking for something. I moved to Atlanta to pursue my dreams, and i’m doing just that. Writing, acting, and even modeling are my passions. That’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m doing what I love, and making money from it. I don’t want to be doing anything else. I know so many other people that have to get “real” jobs and they push aside their true passions for practicality. I don’t want to lose focus on what I love to do. I want to focus more on my passions. As shitty as life can be, at least I am living my dreams. My passions will always outweigh a relationship, and my accomplishments will always cheer me up when dealing with heartbreak.

It sucks when my boyfriend thinks I am making stuff up in the air to be upset about. Like, he literally has a hard time understanding when I feel sad. He doesn’t get it. Sometimes I get sad and it’s just that. I’m sad and I am sick of dealing with him and his fucking roommate and I ended up not going with them yesterday because she was going with. I just don’t want to be around that. Even if they don't fight, I hate being around them. I am not the only person, either. Their fucked up relationship affects other people and I have been told they avoid them, as well.

Why the fuck would I make shit up in the air to be upset about? What the fuck is the point of that? Nothing. I don’t like to be upset and sad, so why the flying fuck would I do that?

We talked last night and today about what was going on with me. He was making comments about how I posted stuff on instgram about being upset. So I deleted them. Sorry, I really don’t want that up now. Like, why do you care? I also said that this year has been incredibly difficult for me as a mom. Literally one of the worst years. It was super fucking traumatic what happened. I don’t think he gets that. And he handles shit differently than me. He doesn’t get why I get so upset about things. Well I am different and I have intense feelings. That’s fucking fine. He doesn’t. That’s fucking fine.

I don’t really know what to do. It’s like ... he says he doesn’t care if I am sad, then makes comments about it. I explained to him that my past mental health shit still comes up sometimes and sometimes it’s worse than other times. I am literally way better than I used to be. But when things are difficult or I get triggered or whatever, it goes down. Sometimes I have to make sure I eat well because there’s the shit in me sometimes that likes when I don’t eat or thinks I’m fat and should lose weight. I still have those feelings and thoughts. It’s not as bad, but it’s still there and reminding myself of like, my coping skills is helpful. It also sucks that he made rude comments about me using coping skills. Like, GOOD FOR YOU. YOU DON’T HAVE TO USE THEM. But I do sometimes and that’s fucking okay. I can be really destructive to myself.

When my kid attempted suicide this year, I thought about suicide and I never told him. He’s made comments about how that’s dramatic before (when my daughter was suicidal when she was 13). His comments made me feel super shitty and I think I need to tell him. He makes comments here and there that hurt and I don’t always tell him. But when my daughter tried to kill herself, I wanted to die and I would have very much considered it if she did die. But he is so uncomfortable with feelings. So it’s hard to be open about shit toward him.

He has good qualities, too.

I’m in such a hard space with him right now. I cannot handle his abusive relationship with his best friend/roommate. And I am not the only one and he really doesn’t get that or even know that.

#relatinoships #relationships are hard #fuck my life #ugh #sorry #fuck men

Weird thing about polyamory

It’s not that I’m jealous, ( maybe a little?, because they’re in person together?) but seeing him with Vic is making me smile. I know that they go through rough stuff, but he looks.. so genuinely happy being able to spend time with her. It’s, odd. Seeing him happy, makes me smile. And have a good tingle. I just watched her basically pounce him and then fall to the floor, and seeing them laugh and smile and her being shy and being in his arms when he was trying to get her to say hi to me. I dunno. It’s not jealousy. It’s not.. I dunno. It’s an odd thing. And, something about it feels, almost right? I feel somewhat on the outside, but it isn’t.. bad. is happy about an for both of them

#polyamory #poly #relatinoships #just thoughts #Nighty

WHAT XXV XII MMXV MEANS? + OTHERS

My happiest day in my life. When all the things took a 360degrees turn. When everything changed when I met him. The purest boy for me. I told to myself that this boy is going to kill me. Knowing him from my friends, I thought he is a good boy. He even had a girlfriend back then.

(…) 25.12.2015: We talked for the first time and I let myself fly. I knew I could trust him. We were talking with hours, not noticing how fast time was flying by. He was such a cutie!

(…) We met for the first time. In the park, in the cold weather like in our souls. You was in all black like me. We sat in silence, then we changed some words. I could feel the tension between us. It’s was very strong!

(…) We met for the second time. This time at the mall. After a good period when we didn’t see each other but talked 24/7. We hugged and your scent left me in peace. “Now, I can imagine how you’d smell if you were here everytime”, I told to myself. We were watching the movie I wanted when you decided to take this on another level. I felt your big heavy hand my thighs…then near my pussy. Hundreds of creeps crossed my fragile body. For the first time, I felt how pleasure feels!

(…) We were in a relationship. Kind of! It was just some fun for you but I was praying that I’ll remain yours. It was unofficial. You broke up with your girlfrend and I started to became jealous. More and more cause I was down with my confidence and self-esteem. I was easily replaceable and every girl was an enemy for me. I wanted you to see my heart. She was beating for you only!

(…) After a month or two, you saw my heart. You met my parents and I was so happy. You were mine. We started to catch each other more and more until you crept in my heart! Everything remineded me of you. I was so distracted by your beautiful flaws!

(…) In summer, everything went fine. But no, I was lying. We had arguments and I was crying my eyes out til I was falling asleep. One day,you crossed the fucking limit and I went insane. Went out with the girl I hate and then invited me too. I tried to make some connections with you but you were engrossing by her. I felt so stupid. I went home and told myself to see with my ex too. What an irony! I met with him but everything went horrible. I hurt you, but it was sweet too for me becuase of all the times you put me in such awful moods.

You forgave me, I’m still thinking. And I am still hurt because of that. I am sorry, my beautiful boy!

(…) Time passed by and we grew up together. Now, we are in a bad path. Fighting every week but knowing that we still want each other.

(…) Yesterday, I was at your house. I was so tired. I am tired everyday cause of the pressure from the school and these fightings. I wanted to cry my soul out in front of your naked body. But I hold everything in and said I mustn’t ruin this moment so I tried to enjoy it. You cummed on my ass, called me your whore and slaped my face, then treated me like a princess. Took me home.

We were in the station waiting for the tram. You were leaning against the bars and I between your legs with my head pressed to your chest. I was looking in your eyes and you started to tell me such beautiful things. I wanted to cry because of happiness. Everything stopped in that time. I couldn’t hear anything or feel the cold breeze. I heard your heart and felt your warmness. You touched me so hard that I can’t remember more than 3-4 things you said to me. It was on the moment. I felt you! You are beating inside of me!

(…) 22.10.2016: Today, you told me cruel words. But very true ones. It bothered me because I am a dreamer. I like to dream and think everything is a bit pink. I refuse to accept that the outside world is more cruel. Especially when it comes to you. You are my loved one. You are my fucking world! And I can’t allow me to lose you. Not now. And I know I won’t but these thoughs are running through my mind everyday. You won’t see these things I am writing for you at 1am in the morning but I know what I want now, for the rest of the year. I WANT YOU! ONLY YOU!

#love #loving #couple #relatinoships #relationship goals #him #us #me #i #myboy #truth #sinner #lovestory

Unfortunately, the eternality of the in-love experience is fiction, not fact... Eventually, we all descend from the clouds and plant our feet on earth again. Our eyes are opened, and we see the warts of the other person. Her 'quirks' are now merely annoying. He shows a capacity for hurt and anger, perhaps even harsh words and critical judgments. Those little traits that we overlooked when we were in love now become huge mountains.

Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages

#gary chapman #the five love languages #in love #relatinoships #love #quotes