#rhg system things

[redhoodguythethird]

I think it's interesting that Jason still sees himself as "small and weak" in headspace a lot of the time, but as soon as anyone else sees him in headspace, he is very much the fucking Red Hood.

He almost crushed me earlier. He's like twice my size.

And when he's fronting alone, he sees himself as a twig.

[redhoodguythethird]

Different kind of content to usual, but I felt like sharing.

I find, within my own system, that there is a need to be known. My headmates will never have a body of their own to express who they are, forever trapped within the lense of this one. Who they are is contained in words and gesture. The only reason anyone could know them at all is if I tell those on the outside.

Chip has worn the same leather boots since he was sixteen. Roy’s freckles look almost more like faded paint splatters on his cheeks. Dixie loves to play fight with me because she knows she doesn’t have to hold back. Bucky comes to lay beside me on nights the paranoia won’t leave me alone. Peaches tasted sweeter to Sun than they do for me. Kon remembers caring for a mule on Ma and Pa’s farm. Tim miraculously grew fae features one day. Marion daydreams about running his thumbs over Wally’s cheeks.

There’s all these little things that make them them that no one else would ever know unless I said something.

There is one person I feel this way about who does not live in my head. She never really lived at all, but I see her so clearly in my memories, which likely differ so much from the stories people have read about me that they can’t know her like I do. Her name was Catherine Todd and she was my mother.

She was an amazing woman who did her best to protect us even as our home was crumbling around us. She kept things as cheerful as she could, always tried to make me feel safe, even when she was under influence. She had the saddest eyes I think I’ve ever seen, tired and worn down as she was, but she loved me and she never let me forget it.

This is the woman who used to crawl under the bed with me on bad nights and lay there beside me until I felt safe enough to fall asleep.

The fact I remember her face at all is a surprise to me, considering my father’s is a featureless blur.

I don’t want to forget her. I’m glad I remember her clearer now. I hate that my clearest memory of her is when she stopped moving.

[redhoodguythethird]

Inner system beef is crazy like what do you mean I’m beefing with myself??? Anyways Chip I still remember when you didn’t fulfil that promise you made to Jason and I am coming for your head.

[redhoodguythethird]

How do you say "I bit through my tongue" without having to explain in depth that it did not physically happen, it was in headspace, which means it does not actually hurt, there is just a picture of me with a hole in my tongue in my brain that is also kind of real because it won't go away and it sort of aches in there? System stuff is so weird. But yeah, I bit through my tongue in headspace.

[redhoodguythethird]

Sometimes I see fanart of- fuck, I don't want to say me but also it feels weird talking about it in third person- whatever. Of me and I flinch. Not because it's bad, it's all very good actually, but because it looks like me. Which like. Makes sense I guess. I'm realising I don't currently have the brain power to properly explain what the fuck I'm talking about.

[redhoodguythethird]

Was sitting in class today and this guy came and sat next to me (because I move where I sit almost every class and that was his table) and I was. So nervous.

“Why is that, Jason?” You may be asking.

His laptop? Completely covered in justice league stickers. His shirt? Superman. And he turns to me like “Hi! :D what’s your name?”

So I’m sitting there sweating bullets, feeling like I’m about to be called out any minute (even though that makes no sense), as I take the offered handshake and say “Jason :)” with my boyfriend, Roy Harper, staring directly at the Green Arrow sticker right on the laptop corner closest to us.

[redhoodguythethird]

There's something interesting about rewatching my source for the first time since I formed and discovering that the faces there don't quite match the ones in my memories.

[redhoodguythethird]

Interesting discovery: Either Wally or Marion, potentially both, don't like apple juice. I remember someone yesterday calling it "foul", but I don't remember who, and I just drank the exact same juice with no issue.