"you have no idea what it's like" for DITD, girlie🖤 (please don't hurt our babies TOO much, I love you)
Ily too wife! 💖 You're the best. 😘
𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 - 𝐒𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 | 𝐃𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐈𝐧 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐚𝐫𝐤
Rowaelin modern AU ▶ Masterlist
note: guys! I'm finally posting this even tho this may be the cringiest I've ever been. I cannot apologise enough for what you're about to see.
If being a loner was bad, Rowan decided having friends was worse. He didn't know how to act around Aelin. Should he hug her or kiss her cheek like her other friends do or should he wave? How long should he look at her without it becoming inappropriate? Should he have specified it's not a date everytime he paid for he food or should he let it be? What if she assumed it was a date? What if she wanted it to be a date?
No, she doesn't. Rowan may not be sure of much but this he knew for certain.
She was smitten with the waiter at their usual diner—Sam Cortland, a student from their rival school. He watched her flirt with him shamelessly over the week, batting her eyelashes or laughing out loud as if to draw his attention.
Only yesterday, when the waiter—Sam—asked what they'd like to have for dessert, Aelin had quipped, "I want you for dessert."
Poor boy turned into a flustered mess, walking away from their table at an inhuman speed. Aelin only flashed him a lazy grin from where she sat, an unabashed smile on her face. He didn't know why she didn't ask him out when he was clearly interested in her but her trips to the diner were getting frequent as her crush increased.
Rowan didn't mind hanging out with her there—just the two of them. Today, however, they weren't alone.
They bumped into Aedion and Lysandra on their way inside. Lysandra insisted that the two of them should join them for lunch and it wasn't long after that they invited the rest of the group too. Aelin repeatedly offered that they could leave but Rowan wanted to be friends with her friends. He could tell she wanted it too, though she tried not to show it much. So for both or their sakes, he endured Aedion's awkward silence and his guarded attitude as they waited for the others to arrive.
Lysandra kept them all busy, asking questions every once in a while. "So, Rowan, you're single?"
A blush rose to his cheeks. "I, uh, I suppose?" Lysandra didn't mince words. She was a lot like Aelin in that—all blunt questions and wicked smirks.
Lysandra nudged her best friend. "Aelin is single too." At the glare from her best friend, she turned to him: "and she already—" she was cut off when the bell chimed from the door, the rest of the group shuffling inside.
Dorian was the first to greet him, followed by a wave and a nod from Fenrys and Lorcan respectively.
The introductions were made and he was surprised the conversation wasn't awkward like he feared. Dorian and Fenrys did the most talking, Aelin was quieter for a change and she kept looking at him every few minutes as if to make sure he was still with her. After he assured her he was comfortable at least thrice, she slipped into the conversation too, her hand semi-consciously on top of his.
He was too focused on the warmth of her hand when Fenrys asked, "What do you think, Rowan?"
"I don't—I'm sorry, my mind was elsewhere. What about?" He tried not to look too embarrassed, though he was sure the tips of his ears turned pink. He didn't want Aelin's friends to think he was inattentive and rude.
Aelin squeezed his hand in reassurance. Fenrys shrugged. "It's alright, I was just telling Aelin she could do better than Sam." He quieted when the said waiter arrived with their order, Aelin flashing him a sweet smile. When he left, Fenrys continued, "I don't know about this, Ace. He isn't even your type—"
"You're saying that because he's on your rival team," she pouted.
Fenrys rolled his eyes, looking ready to protest but Lysandra cut in. "Look, if she wants to go for a guy, let her. She isn't stupid, and if something goes wrong, that's what we're here for, right?" At Fenrys' reluctant nod, Aelin blew a kiss towards her friend, mumbling something like 'knew I loved you for a reason' through a mouth full of food. Rowan watched her with a small smile, all his attention directed towards the blonde beside him.
For the whole hour they were there, his eyes never strayed too far from her face.
"What do you want, Meave?" Rowan couldn't keep the ire off his voice.
Despite his anti-social self, he almost had fun at the diner. All of them welcomed him into the group, resolved on not making it awkward for him. He appreciated all the kindness Aelin's friends had shown him in one hour. Who would have thought he would fit right in with Terrasen's elite crowd? It was almost impossible to believe that his views on them had changed, all within one month. He felt good after returning. Which meant he had no patience for his Aunt Meave right now.
She cocked her head towards him. "Has hanging out with that troublemaker made my nephew so rude, Rowan?"
He always thought his aunt was ice cold, her face emotionless, black hair unbound and dark eyes void of feeling and warmth. Her pale, translucent skin made her look like a corpse, the cruel smirk on her face making him shudder a little as he gathered himself. She knew about his friendship with Aelin, then. He didn't even want to know how.
"Why don't you skip this and tell me what you want, dear aunt?" he said.
Meave's smirk vanished. "Stop hanging out with those troublemakers." It didn't sound like a suggestion.
Rowan surprised himself and his aunt when he repeated, "No. You won't tell me who I should befriend." He had never refused her anything before.
Meave raised an eyebrow. "Don't say things you'll regret, Rowan."
"I mean it. Leave me alone," Rowan repeated. Too much. She'd taken too much and he's always let her because what did it matter? But this he won't bend on. Meave won't take this from him. He was finally starting to fit in somewhere. He won't let his aunt destroy that.
He turned towards the doorway, almost walked out when her voice stopped him in his tracks. "You'll listen to me, Rowan, or I'll make you."
"Feel free to try," he answered.
Then Rowan Whitethorn was out of her office, heart hammering inside his chest and praying to whatever gods would listen that this won't come and bite him in the ass later.
A week passed by without any consequences. Rowan started to relax. Perhaps Meave didn't mean her threats, perhaps she spoke for the sake of rattling him alone.
Aelin wore Sam out with her constant flirting. He asked her out and she accepted. Aelin couldn't stop talking about it for the whole week that followed. He listened to her with a smile, though he didn't understand why it felt so forced. They were planning their second date.
Rowan was accepted by most of his teammates now, thanks to Aedion and Fenrys. After years of hope and resentment, he was right where he had always wanted. Him and Aelin were better friends than ever, spending whatever time they could together. She couldn't stop talking about Sam. He'd never seen her happier.
Then why did it feel so wrong?
Aelin was avoiding him, he could tell. She ran the other way whenever he saw her, hiding from him the whole day. Rowan didn't know what he did wrong but when he realised she wasn't talking to any of her friends, he had a feeling it wasn't him this time.
Tomorrow, he promised himself, I'll make her talk and find out what's up.
That day in her living room, he had promised a half asleep blonde he won't leave. Rowan Whitethorn was a man of his word. He would stick by her side. Let worse come to worst, she would never be alone again.
Aelin was crumpled on the floor, head leaning against her locker and her face buried in her knees when Rowan found her the next day. "Aelin, fireheart, what happened?" he asked.
She didn't look up at him, almost as if she wasn't aware of his presence.
He heard her choke a sob out, then another until her body was shaking with the force of them. Rowan crouched down beside her, pulling her towards him when she recoiled, her breaths coming out short as she pulled away. She shook her head, "Don't come near me, I can't—I can't breathe. Arobynn won't, he won't like it, I should have tried harder... my fault, I couldn't do it. I failed, oh god. I failed, I could have—I tried so hard and I still failed. Please don't—don't touch me—" another round of sobs wracked her body.
Rowan's stomach lurched as he backed off. Panic attack. She was having a panic attack.
He forced his voice to remain calm, gentle but firm. "Aelin, love, I need you to breathe. Listen to me breathe, ok? Listen and breathe with me. Can you do that, fireheart?" When she didn't quiet down, he placed her hand on his chest with the most delicate of touches. He breathed out loud, once, twice, thrice and repeated the process until she had calmed down a little.
Tears flooded down her cheeks, her face flushed. Aelin seemed a little calmer, at least. She kept shaking for a few more minutes, her small hand still on his chest, engulfed in his larger one.
"Aelin, should I—can I hold you?" He didn't know what else to do.
When his eldest cousin had panic attacks, that was what his uncle did. He had no knowledge how to deal with it beside that.
Aelin said, "I want to—I want to but I don't know—I'm not sure if I can." She was still shaking, covered in sweat.
He brushed some strands of her away from her forehead, then said, "Here's what I will do. I'll hug you and if you feel you can't, you tell me, is that fine? Can you do that, fireheart?"
Hesitantly, he wrapped his arms around her, relieved when she relaxed into his arms. He rubbed circles on her back as the shaking ebbed. He was afraid to ask what prompted the panic attack, seeing as she was still in a fragile state.
Aelin said quietly, "I failed a test." She let out a sob. "I don't—I've never failed before. I studied so hard, I don't know how! I swear I prepared for it."
She buried her face in the crook of his neck. He pressed a soft kiss to the crown of her head in encouragement to continue. She said, "I can't tell others. They don't understand. Lysandra said it's not a big deal, Aedion dismissed it. Arobynn is going to be so pissed, god, and if everyone finds out I'm dumb, I don't know what I'll do. What if everyone finds out my marks? God, Uncle Gavriel—he will be so disappointed and Aunt Elaine! She was so sure I'd score a hundred." The sobs started anew and Rowan soothingly rubbed her back.
"Hey, fireheart, look at me. You failed once, so what? You can do better next time, right?"
It was the wrong thing to say because she frowned, pulling back. Her eyes filled with unushed tears, already swollen from crying. The mascara smeared across her face now, hair sticking to her sweaty forehead. "You don't understand either," she said.
He tried not to wince at the accusatory tone with which she talked.
She shook her head violently, leaning back against the lockers. "You don't. No one understands. Everyone's good at something. Aedion is the football captain, Lysandra is on the dance team. Dorian's the school president, even Lorcan—he's on a gods damned scholarship. I'm the useless one. You don't know how it feels, to always be around friends knowing they're better than you. They all have their own talents, I just fail at stuff. They're all working hard for their careers. Me? I'm just the girl everyone keeps around because she is a nice accessory." Rowan's heart broke as he listened. He didn't dare stop her. She needed to let it out, all that was bothering her. She continued with a sob, "They're perfect. Everyone has their thing. Fenrys can sing, Dorian has debate, Lysandra can dance, Aedion loves football, I don't—I never fit in. I'm like that lost puppy who follows her friends around. What do I have to be proud about?" She rubbed at her eyes again.
Rowan gently moved her hands away from her face, wiping her tears. "So what if you don't know when the Caesar fell or why the sky looks blue? You've been through so much pain and you still smile. That alone makes you stronger than anyone I know. I'm proud of that and you should be too. Don't ever say you're useless. You're young, you've got years to figure out what path you want to choose for yourself, ok? Never think you're any less than your friends." When she nodded, he pulled her closer. "And if it's the test you're concerned about, we'll fix this together. I'll help you and in the next test, you'll kick ass. Ask me how I know."
Aelin gave him a blank look.
He smiled. "C'mon, ask me, fireheart."
"How?" her voice was throaty from crying but it didn't waver.
"I know because you're Aelin. When we met, I hated you but you were so determined to be friends, and look where we are. You can do anything, fireheart. With a little help, of course."
She looked up at him and blinked, the haze clearing away from her eyes. There was a small smile on her face as she poked his cheek. "So much praise for me, buzzard. Have you got more?"
"Don't push it," he told her, though he was smiling wide.
Aelin wiped the remaining tears away, rising from the ground and dusted her pants off. She turned to walk away.
"Where are you going now?"
She smirked. "Bathroom. Failed or not, I'll be damned if anyone saw me like that. I do owe it to my fanclub." He could tell she was pretending to be her normal self for his sake but the smile was genuine.
Shaking his head, Rowan followed her to the girls washroom. Gods, she was going to be the death of him.
a/n: I'm sorry this was so sappy, I didn't reread it because I'm worried if I do, I'll delete the whole thing. this was the hardest to write and I can't apologise enough 😭
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