talking about college and autism and whether or not i should go to college and live in a dorm......complicatedness.....(kinda long sorry)
okay so. silver asked me the other day in all seriousness about whether or not i actually want to go back to college again this semester and especially whether or not i want to live in the dorms. last semester i made that decision because i was trying very desperately to force myself into being neurotypical.
i always thought that was what growing up meant. a good analogy of this would be my sense of smell. i dont have one. cant smell a thing. but whenever i was a kid and we had hot food, id stick my face over it and sniff and i would think i was smelling it. but it was really the warm steam hitting my face, not smell. i always thought smell was something id understand someday. but nope.
so basically i grew up autistic, but not knowing i was autistic, and i always thought that growing up and being an adult meant that suddenly the world would make sense and that suddenly the world would be less....i dunno....hurting. i thought that once i became an adult, i would understand and suddenly have social skills and suddenly be able to do everything that everyone else can do. like live alone, and drive and all that other allistic stuff. but nope. technically an adult now and still the same old me, unable to do so many things, even if i can watch others do them and understand it perfectly. still autistic.
so back when i signed up for a dorm i was still trying to be an 'adult' and care for myself and ease myself back into the adult world. i tried it a few years ago, and at one point during a semester i had to stop, and went through several months of bad stuff. but i thought my uneasiness about going to college was from the bad stuff. i thought that as soon as i got over that bad stuff id suddenly turn into an adult and be able to do everything that allistic people do.
now that i know more about autism.....im really calling into question whether or not college is....right or even safe for me. at points ive been excited. but i think my excitement comes from things unrelated to the actual college experience. ive been excited to finally get away from the place i currently live. ive been excited about the prospect of leaving and being considered an adult, ive been excited to move on with life and be like everyone else. i feel stuck where i am. i feel like a little kid where i am now. which really prompts me into going through with it, going to college, living in a dorm, taking care of myself, by myself, going to classes, living somewhere else.
but on the other hand....would it be safe. i dont really think so. i mean safe as in.....id be living in a dorm. with other people. i am not good with people. i am not social. i dont make conversation. i feel like a dorm, especially the popular one i'll be living in, would be so scary. i know i really didnt like it the last time i lived over there. it was scary, and uncomfortable, and lonely. being around so many people and being unable to talk to them is so lonely and scary. and i'll have a roommate living in the same room with me this time. which will also be scary and nerve-wrecking. i havent shared a room with anyone since i was....like ten.
another factor is classes. those are scary and hard and just....difficult. even without outside factors. college classes arent structured with autistic people in mind, i think. it just....causes me a lot of stress. and i dont even care about classes. i mean, i'll be in english classes, which is nice because i like writing, especially poetry. but....i couldn't care less about having a degree. you dont have to have one to write. and in all honesty....i dont think i even want one. i dont like the classes. i dont like sitting in rooms with a bunch of other people. it stresses me out.
but......on the other hand. i dont like where i live right now. i guess i dont like one particular person where i live. because this person doesnt believe in disabilities. he doesnt believe i could have a disability. he's all for me going to college because i'll be away from here and i'll be on my way to getting a job and making my own money and living on my own. he also says a lot of really rude things to me. i dont think he realizes it though. he means well i guess. but i think everyone else here is uncomfortable about him too. silver was going to kick him out. like just make him leave so i think thats also evidence that he's actually a pretty uncomfortable person. he yells a lot. i dont like it. he used to yell a lot every morning up to noon. so i started sleeping later and later and now sleep all day and am awake all night, just to avoid the yelling parts of the day.
but he does stuff around the house. usually when he's about to get kicked out again. every year, every summer, this happens. we finally get fed up with him and just when he's about to get kicked out he's suddenly understanding and sensible and starts helping out. making all of us feel guilty. then when our defenses are down he strikes again. the other day when silver went to work, he told us all that now that she was at work he could yell and scream at us all he wanted and that none of us better snitch to her about it. he straight up told us that. he brags to his friends that he can bring me to tears in two seconds flat. he laughs about it. is that an accomplishment? i dont think so, but maybe people actually covet that kind of thing. ive lived with him too long to know if thats "normal" or not. but its certainly true, he can and has done it, though not in front of his friends.
whenever i meltdown, he thinks im angry at him, so he yells at me for it. and he acts angry around me for days for it. even when its not about him. i cant even make facebook statuses without him dogging me about it. like if i say, 'wow i had fun writing last night'. he'll ask me what i wrote about, was it porn, did i read porn, why was it so fun then, was it about me, were you writing pissy letters about me. he takes everything neutral and makes it all about him, its scary. i just dont get on facebook anymore. and he makes sexual remarks, like if my face is red from embarrassment at something he said or if its just hot or whatever, he'll accuse me of thinking about porn, or trash and he's always doing that. if theres a half naked person on tv he'll look at me and make remarks like 'dont get too excited'. and when i go out he tells me 'dont rape anybody while you're out, i know its so tempting.' im asexual. he makes me so uncomfortable. i try not to think about it, but its so gross. i dont know why he says these things, maybe hes trying to connect with me, bond or something. i dont know.
so on that note. im excited to be able to get away from him by going to college. after getting in an accident he refuses to drive, so id be safe from him there. he also makes me feel so guilty about everything. when he gets in fights, he blames me for it, and threatens me so i wont cause him more fights and more trouble. he also complains about how much food we have to buy, cause theres six people plus dogs living with us. so everytime i buy something from the store for myself he complains and starts yelling about how much there is to do around the house and how we should worry more about my brother eating instead. and i get so guilty. cause i mean. everyone else deserves food more than me, of course. so i just. all summer ive been barely even eating. i cant stand up for too long, and my legs shake when im standing and i get lightheaded a lot and ive been getting a lot of headaches lately, which might be related.
so if i went to college id be able to buy my own food and worry about myself and not feel as bad about eating. im afraid to actually eat in the kitchen if someone else isnt also eating. like i kindof eat half of dinner whenever we have group meals. but that isnt often. and i dont always get dinner either. ive learned im picky because of autism. im so specific about food. the texture is so important. ill cry so much if i have to eat something i hate. like spaghetti, i hate it so much. i dont know why but i cant stand it. but weve had it a lot this summer. i dont blame anyone for that of course. but we keep having meals that are triggering for me, so i just dont eat. and.....and i dunno, i guess im complaining but im hungry lately.
it doesnt matter but literally all i had on my birthday were a couple fries and part of an angel food cake. all i asked for for my birthday was food. i literally asked for some food. i didnt get any though. but i mean, i got some books and shirts so.....so i shouldnt complain really. but it would be different living at college. i might not.....always remember to eat but....but i'd have money to eat and i'd have a source of food right next to my dorm building. even though college is scary.....really scary...
i havent come to conclusions yet i realize. i was making this post with the hopes that towards the end i would reach a conclusion of some kind. but...... nnnn. with my specific case....i cant really work a job. i did it before once, but i was constantly stressed out, scared, and barely sleeping or eating. i was miserable and wanted to die so much during that job. all the people i worked with made me nervous. i hated it so much. i mean.....everyone hates their job i guess. but everyday i was so afraid i was going to get fired. id be waiting for the elevator and be thinking i was going to get fired for taking too long. i dunno. i dont want a job, i dont think i could do it again. im worse off than i was back then. i was a lot better at taking care of myself back then than i am now. i think anyway. so i guess, i need to live with someone. but........i dont have anyone.......so i have to fend for myself.....but......i cant i think. i dont know. ive got such a headache right now
so in conclusion, i guess. i dont want to live with the people im living with, because its been really damaging, toxic, and physically harmful thus far. physically as in ive been guilted and shamed into barely eating to almost a dangerous extent. and the person i dont like has been in charge of getting the food lately. so he wont buy me food....even though we have money at the moment. so the next best option would be college, even though college is scary and i'd be on my own and have to do everything for myself, which didnt work well in the past. and i could be at risk for falling into depression again if i go. and im unsafe where i live now, but i'd be unsafe at college too. so i guess choose the lesser of two evils huh.
honestly. my ideal living situation..........that would be living with someone who can provide for me, like shelter and food, and treat me well, like decently and care about me and remind me to eat whenever i need it and not make me feel bad all the time. and this person could remind me to do important things, like shower and sleep at the correct times, not daytime, and maybe take me out places. despite my reclusive-ness, i have this need to go out to places, like to parks and places with lots of buildings. maybe thats a normal need, i dont know. but im really tired of being in my house. but yeah. that's pretty unrealistic, but that would be so ideal for me. ive never met anyone that kind or caring though, i dont think they exist, at least not in my world. in my world everyone is allistic and everyone can do everything for themselves and don't need any help of any kind and never ever take time from their day to help someone else. maybe thats the whole world. maybe thats just my small town. i dont know. but i feel like i'll be on my own my whole life. which really sucks. i just........i dunno, i feel like i dont want to exist anymore if thats how things are always going to be. if i have to live like this the rest of my life, living with people who dont care and shame me for things like eating and showering, then.....i dont think i want to live.
thats kind of extreme. but....ive had that wish my whole life. but i always thought that once i became an adult and suddenly got good at life, then i'd stop wishing for death and everything would be okay. but...that not what being an adult means i guess. so i guess im going to college soon. to a new roommate. and shared gendered bathrooms. again. public restrooms. difficult classes. loneliness. man, life is really hard. i think wishing for that magical person to come and take care of me is like wishing for a prince charming, its just not going to happen. i'll just trick myself into thinking im allistic and go anyway. i dont want to. but i guess. i will anyway. really really wishing hard for that magical caring person to come along and just understand and accept my autism and help me out anyway and not make me feel like trash for needing help and just........aw man.....want it so bad. i guess most people want a big house or....a big tv....or......diamonds.....or benedict cumberbatch or.........okay i dont know what most allistic people want but big things and i just want a person. i guess most people want a person. so i suppose im not so different.
oklahoma sucks to live in. no one here is kind. no one here cares about the weak. no one here cares about abusive people. i just.....i dont know. i feel like my magical person is out there somewhere. but like far away where i cant reach. and i dont have the social or people skills to find this person. cause people scare me. cause so many people have been mean and used me and hurt me and i dont like people. so......i have no idea how i'll find my magical person. this post is really long. im sorry. i want my magical person so bad i just keep talking about it. even though its almost seven i think im going to bed or something. bye.
so in conclusion. magical person - want. going to college. life is scary. im hungry and tired. and thats about it. bye now.
