Summary: there are so many stories in which you are Ellie's main love interest, but what if one day you become only a bystander, watching her finding her true happiness? And that happiness isn't beside you.
Warning: angst, sad ending, mentions of smut (in part 2), anxiety
Word cound: 4k
Blinded 1
Blinded 2
14 years
You and Ellie had been friends ever since she came to Jackson, because you made sure of that. You were eager to have a friend, since you were also new in that town, coming two weeks before her. It was pretty hard for you to get along with others, because the kids around you already had established firendships and it was kind of hard to talk to them without making it seem you want to interfere between them. Of course you wanted to have someone special like they had, but you didn't want to steal anyone or cause fights. You just... didn't want to be lonely.
And then Ellie came along. As soon as you saw her get off of that horse, you knew she would be the one. Your very first friend. Your best friend.
Even though she seemed a bit unproachable at first, you didn't give up. She was just like you, a new kid with no parents left, probably wanting some closure. And you could give her that and more. You two could bond over the fact that you were just newcomers, outsiders. And eventually you did. After getting to know each other, you found out that you had many common interests such as the love for astronomy, the passion for music and drawing, the weird love for paleontology... you were two sides of the same coin. It amazed you how many things you shared with Ellie. Her trauma, her life, her whole existance seemed to resemble yours.
16 years
It was just the two of you in the beginning. Everything you did, you did together: trips, patrols, sleepovers, walks... You two were just very comfortable together, you understood each other like no one could. And it felt good. It felt safe. But after sometime, when both of you reached the age of 16, it also started to feel too boring for Ellie. You soon found out that she wasn't really like you, she wouldn't just be happy with only having you like you did. There was a part of her who needed more, that was seeking adventures and new encounters, new people, new friendships... And she started to also hang out with various different people, but the ones that were a real threat to your friendship were Cat, Jesse and Dina.
You couldn't really comprehend why she would need other people. You didn't need others because ehe was everything to you. Nobody could reach her level, so why?
"Am I not enough for you?" you asked Ellie one day, voice shaking and lips trembling.
You came to her house, hoping you two can spend some time together, but much to your disappointment, Cat was also there. Ellie didn't tell you she would be there. You and Cat got along well, because you tried your best to please Ellie and make her happy, even though you liked none of her friends. But you pretened very well that you did. So when Cat left to get some stuff from her own house, you made use of the opportunity and asked this question. Ellie was completely taken aback by both your words and reaction.
"Woah, hey, hey! Why are you crying?" the girl quickly came to where you were standing, putting her hands on your shoulders as an attempt to make you look at her, but you didn't have the power to hold her gaze.
"Am I not enough for you?" you repeated the question, clenching your fists in your lap, trying to calm down your anger.
"Of course you are!" Ellie assured you on a serious tone, moving her right hand to gently caress your cheek. You instantly leant onto her touch, feeling like you were starved of it for so long.
"T-then why do you need all of those people?" you asked, finally looking her in the eyes. Ellie fell quiet for a few moments, not knowing what to say to you, so you took it as an opportunity to speak again.
"They... they are taking you away from me!" you added on a much higher-pitched tone, not caring that Cat might come any second and hear you. You started crying at this point, guilt striking Ellie's features as she watched you fall apart.
"They are not! Even if they try, I won't let them" she replied rapidly, her both hands moving to your cheeks to hold them and wipe away your tears that kept falling. "After all this time spent together you should know that I am yours and you are mine. You are the only friend I truly love and I would do anything for." she kept talking with a soft voice. "No matter how many people surround me I will always be looking for you," she continued smiling softly.
"B-but ...why do you want others around you?" you sighed, closing your eyes as you felt her calloused hands on your face, carresing your skin.
"Around us," she corrected you. "They are our friends, not just mine. I thought it will be good to hang out with other people from time to time.. make some fun memories with. To make you come out of your shell, y'know? Trust me, it's good for us. I would never do something to hurt you. All I do is for your own good" she assured you again.
You were about to spoke, but you were stopped by Cat's sudden gasp. Both you and Ellie turned to her, seeing her in the door frame, with a shocked expression crossing her face.
"Are you okay?" the brunette asked with a worried tone as she made her way to you, scanning your face in the process.
"What happend?" she then asked, her eyes switching between you and Ellie, waiting for an answer. You panicked for a moment, not wanting to share your real reason, so you looked desperately at Ellie hoping she would save you somehow. And she did. Well, she tried.
"I... I was telling her about a bloddy encounter Joel and I had with a clicker and she didn't wanna hear it anymore, but I kept talking and she got scared and started crying." Ellie lied to her, using a very convincing tone while explaining the story. It was a really stupid excuse, but Cat seemed to buy it. Plus, you were known to be a sensitive person so it wouldn't be hard to believe.
"Oh my God, Ellie. You are the worst!" Cat exclamed as she jokingly hit her arm. "Let the poor girl alone!" she added, rolling her eyes.
Ellie just smiled at her, and if you hadn't been so focused on her promises from earlier, you would have noticed what type of smile Ellie gave her. If you were more attentive towards them, you would also have noticed the way they looked at each other, or how they would accidentally touch each other and let their touches linger there more than normal friends do. You could have seen what was going on between them if you just looked, but you stayed in your own world, repeating Ellie's words like a mantra, not realizing what was happening right before your eyes.
17 years
When they revealed their relationship, no one was surprised, but you. Only you. The only person who didn't see the signs, the only person who was left in the dark by your very own best friend. And the way in which you found out was brutal. It hurt so much.
You still remember it like it was yesterday. You were almost 17 years old at that time. 3 months had passed since that day when you let your emotions control you and spit out your frustrations. Things have changed a little bit between you and Ellie. She had spent more time with you than with others, but you still felt like something was wrong. Like you were missing some pieces of the puzzle.
In these months Ellie seemed happier than usual, more energic and lively, and you assumed she felt like this because you two where finally getting some alone moments and quality time together. You felt like you two became as close as you were in the beginning of your friendship. Well, now it was also Cat there from time to time, but you didn't question her presence much. You were too focused on Ellie's different behavoir towards you to even see anything else. She was so loving, so caring and so attentive. You thought your words got to her and she finally realized how much she neglected you, so she wanted to make up for it. She was always there when you needed her, more frequent in your life, overwhelming you with her presence in every second.
You always loved Ellie, even from the moment you first saw her, you knew you will end up giving her all of your love and affection so there won't be any left for others. But as time passed, you occasionally questioned what type of love you had for her. You felt the type of love you had for her changed over the years and you often found yourself asking: was it only platonic love? Was it familial? Or... was it something more? Because everytime you were with her, you felt this constant warmth bloom in your chest and when she touched you, you felt your skin tingling and shivers running down your spine. You found yourself aroused by these little acts of affection and you were afraid you would need more than these. Much your shame, during this time, you'd often imagine what would it be like if you two were a couple. The way she acted towards you didn't help at all because she did almost all of the things couples do except for kissing of course, and... other stuff that you were too embarrased to think about.
You knew you were delusional, but you couldn't help it. Maybe later you will be able to tell Ellie how she'd made you feel. You also hoped she would reciprocate your feelings once you'd confess, but it was enough what you had that moment. It was enough to think that you were the reason for Ellie's happiness in these past months.
But, oh how foolish of you it was to think that.
It was friday when it all happend. When the harsh truth struck you. You came to help Maria with some supplies for the shop you were assigned to work daily. Usually by the end of the week there are no costumers coming, that's why when you heard the bell ringing — a sign that someone entered, you quickly put down the bottles you were holding and run to the front, curious of whom might be visiting.
Jesse was the one to welcome you, a smile on his face and a few papers on his left hand. You returned it and walked towards him, trying to not seem bothered by his presence.
"I didn't know you were coming," you stated, nervously fidgeting with your fingers. You've never acutally been with him alone, or with any of your supposed friends alone. Ellie was always with you to keep the conversation going so there won't be any weird moments like this one.
"I didn't know it either" he shrughed. "But Maria asked me to check on you, see if you can handle the amount of supplies" he then further explained, scraching the back of his neck.
"O-oh, well tell her not to worry, everything is fine" you assured him and he nodded.
"Then I will let you be" he smiled as he turned on his heel, but stopped right before opening the door, facing you again. "By the way, are you feeling better?" he asked, making you frown your brows slightly.
"What do you mean?" you questioned, not understanting what he meant by that. You were perfectly fine.
"Ellie told us that you can't come at Dina's tonight because you feel sick." he explained casually and you felt an acute pain suddenly strike your chest. You didn't feel sick at all. You could come to Dina's place tonight, but apparently Ellie didn't want you there? But why wouldn't she?
"Ah, t-thank you... She shouldn't have told you that. I didn't want to worry anyone so..." you rapidly answered, not wanting him to get suspicious that you had no idea what he was talking about.
He nodded in understanding and you both said your goodbyes as you watched him leave the shop. You didn't move from where you stood, not having the power to do so. You were taken aback by what you heard. Ellie didn't want you there? Why? You two always did things together... and even if she wanted some time apart from you, she should have at least told you. You felt so betrayed by her behavoir, but you couldn't just stay lonely in your house as she had fun with her friends.
You will go tonight, and whatever you see, let it be seen.
The time when you had to leave came around very quickly. You felt so nervous because you didn't know what to expect. You made all sorts of scenarios in your head while you walked to Dina's house and it didn't help at all, because you became more anxious about this whole situation. Ellie never did something like this.
As soon as you approached the homestead you could see lights coming from the windows and hear laughter coming from the garden surrounded by a high wooden fence. Ellie's laughter... At least you knew she didn't feel bad for lying so you shouldn't feel bad for showing up like this either.
You went up the stairs and inhaled deeply as you knocked twice on the door. You heard footsepts and soon the door opened revealing Jesse. He smiled once he saw you. He didn't seem surpirsed that you are here at all.
"Hi!" you greeted, offering him a little wave.
"Come in, come in! I'm glad you could make it" he added as he steppted aside to let you in. "Feeling alright?" he asked, a bit concerned and you nodded.
"The girls are in the garden," he explained as he closed the door behind you. "I came in the kitchen to get some beers."
"Do you need some help?" you offered, quickly glancing over the cans splattered on the counter.
"If you don't mind" he answered and you smiled, going to grab a few of them.
"Let's go in the back" he proposed once you cleaned the counter and you followed him on the hallway that led outside. He held the door open for you with one hand, holding the beer cans with the other. You whispered a small 'thank you' as you stepped on the wooden surface of the terrace. When you were about to go down the few stairs in order to reach the lawn, you made the mistake to look up and that was the moment when everything stopped.
Everything.
Your hands dropped to your sides, causing the cans you held to loudly crash to the ground. The sound made everyone turn their heads to the direction where it came from. Your heart stopped, your breathing stopped, their conversation stopped. And silence fell over everyone.
Your mouth opened wide and your eyes were even wider, not believing the sight in front of you. Cat was sitted on Ellie's lap, her arms around your best firends' neck and Ellie's hands were both placed on Cat's body— one resting on her waist and the other resting on her thighs. They were insanely close to each other. Too close to be just friends.
In that moment something clicked in your head and you realized how stupid you were.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid girl.
Stupid girl who thought she had a chance.
Your eyes started to fill with tears and your lips started to tremble. You wanted to scream, to get all of your anger out, to yell at her Why? To ask her Why not me? Why her? But you couldn't. Your voice felt strained, weak, almost non-existent. Your mind went completely blank, not being able to process the scene in front of you.
No one said anything. It was painfully awkward. You just stood there, frozen, with your eyes glued to their figures, not even blinking. You saw Ellie being as shocked as you, maybe a little more. Cat looked scared, switching her gaze from Ellie to you constantly. Then, after a few seconds, Ellie quickly pushed the brunette to the side as she stood up from her chair and started to walk towards you, but you didn't want her close to you. Not with your feelings hurt like this. Not after she betrayed you in the most heart-breaking way. After seeing her like this you realised that you loved her in the same way Cat did, but unlike you, Cat had a chance to show her. You didn't. What a timing... what a way to find out. What a way to realize it wasn't you who made her happy in those months, but it was her. It was Cat all along.
As Ellie approached you, you panicked and stepped back, then rapidly turned on your heel and hurried to the front door, not wanting to hear a word from her. You reached the door, unlocking it and exiting the house without looking back, without caring that she desperately called your name.
You once again froze on the spot once you felt her palm grabbing your forearm, forcing you to stop your movements. You knew you couldn't escape her grip, she was stronger than you, and in this very moment you felt so powerless. You didn't face her, not having the courage. But she could hear your sobs escaping you lips as tears ran down your cheeks. You were a mess.
"Please, let me explain!" Ellie begged, breathing jerkily from all the running. She seemed desperate.
"I don't wanna hear it." you spat back, not lifting your eyes from the ground. You tried to sound harsh, but it came out as a weak plead.
"Please, an explanation is the least I can do!" she insisted, stepping closer to you. You wanted to move away from her, but her thight grip didn't allow you.
When you remained silent so she took it as a sign to continue.
"I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to be the first to know. That night when I called you over and Cat was present, I wanted to tell you everything, but then you started crying, thinking they will get me away from you, so I postponed it until I had found a good opportunity to reveal it, but..."
"In 3 months you didn't find a good moment to tell me?" you asked, voice shaking.
"I... wanted to, believe me! The right time didn't come-" she tried to excuse herself.
"Why didn't you tell me about tonight?" you changed the subject, not wanting to hear more about her relationship. You were already stuffed.
"I... Cat asked me to not. She wanted to spend some alone time with me," Ellie explained as she closed her eyes, knowing how stupid it was.
"I understand. I was getting between the two of you" you simply stated, finally looking at her. Her worried expression didn't phase you at all. She wasn't worried five minutes ago. Why would she?
"You weren't! I swear-" she rapidly corrected you, but you didn't buy any of her bullshit. She tried to come closer and wipe your tears with her thumb, put you pushed her hand away, annoyed with the fact that she would try to act all concerned now. She seemed hurt by your action, but you could care less about it.
"Ellie, stop! Just fucking stop! I was the only one who didn't know about the two of you!" You reproached, frowning your brows.
"That's because I asked our friends not to tell you about this, I wanted to be the one who does it." she replies, trying to not let her emotions win over and cry like you do.
After hearing her words, you started laughing out of nowhere, your tears still falling from your eyes. How ignorant was she?
"Our friends?" you repeated her words with a sarcastic tone. "Ellie, please, they are your friends, not mine. They were never mine."
"Of course they are! What are you talking about?" she asked, confusion crossing over her face.
"Stop giving me this bullshit for God's sake!" at this point you were yelling at her. "If they were really my friends they would have tried to find a way to tell me about what you are doing behind my back. But they didn't, because you asked them to. They kept their mouths shut because they didn't want to upset you. Not me. It was never about me."
She remaied silent, her gaze moving to the ground, but not loosening her grip on your arm. She felt like if she'd let you go now you would be lost forever.
"I have no one, Ellie", you whispered after a few seconds, ashamed to admit it.
Her head shoot up in an instant.
"What are you talking about? You have me!" she assured you, her eyes desperately searching for yours. "You have me..." she repeated.
"Do I?" you asked her with a sad smile. "I might had had you sometime in the past, but I lost you along the way. Maybe the moment they appeared in your life." you shrughed.
"No- Don't say that shit," she rushed to reply.
"But it's true. I can't compete with them and you know it. I am not aventurous, nor brave, nor do I somke and drink and party. I don't bring anything new in your life. I am boring. And you grew tired of that."
"That is not-"
"Then why do you need them then?" you cut her off quickly, annoyed with the fact that she didn't want to admit it. It was so obvious she found you boring, but she just couldn't say it. She did a lot more damage than admitting this. As you expected she fell silent. Her grip loosened a bit so you took it as an opportunity to move your hand away, stepping away from her so there will be a space between you two.
You wanted to leave, but you stopped in your tracks, because there was one more answer you needed to hear.
"Why did you act like that in the past few months?" you asked her. "All that affection and love, why did you give it to me?"
She opened her mouth, but nothing came out of it for a few moments. She probably wanted to phrase it in a way that won't hurt your feeling, but the damage was already done, so why would she care how she said it?
"I-... I felt bad because I hid the truth from you, so... I wanted to make it up to you in some other way." she sighed, closing her eyes. She fucked up everything really fucking bad. Ellie thought that if she made you happy enough, you won't be against her relationship in any way once you found out, but it didn't worked out as she wanted.
"That's all I needed to know." you informed her, trying not to burst in tears after her answer. Good. At least you knew she had no feelings towards you and she did all of these things out of guilt.
"Goodbye, Ellie" you said as you turned on your heel. A part of you wanted for her to come after you, to stop you from leaving, begging you again to stay in her life. But she didn't. Maybe she felt relieved that it finally ended and now she could focus more on her relationship and new friends.
So you slowly made your way to your empty house, because you couldn't call it a home. Back then, Ellie would always welcome you when you arrived, but there was no one to wait for you anymore. The only person that really cared for you was left in the past, and the one behind you was just a stranger that looked smiliar to your best friend.
The worst feeling is when you feel lonely in a crowd of people. You feel empty inside😭. You just want to cry .You don’t feel comfortable to even talk to the ones closest to you 😔
This acc is dying…? KYAHAHAHA!!! NO WAY!!!!! JUST BECAUSE WE DONT POST DOSENT MEAN OUR LOVE IS DYING!!!!! Thats far from the truth.. heh….
Long distance has been so hard for us… jorking my penits to your twerking vids can only do sooooo much for my little three incher!!
Soon.. we may meet again….. soon I will have that thang thangin in my face! ALL THE TIME!!!!! Poopie shoopie.. how the winter is much colder without you here to hold me tight… how the house is so much emptier without the walls of merlot and escargot on the counter….
Ahh.. my love…. Soon we will be together…. Soon I will be able to see and hold and rock your world…. As someone super smart and loving once said, “take a risk for someone…”
