I stare at the road from the window in my bedroom as I slowly drag my blade across my forearm biting back the urge to slide it across my wrist because the street is covered in black ice invisible to the human eye yet still threatening to a human’s life because you can’t always see what kills you before it strikes sometimes you don’t realize you are spinning until it’s too late to get your bearings and the world around you is gone. i am ready to go now, I think yesterday this ground was safe for my feet to tread upon today it will do nothing but send me flying backwards until i am buried six feet under ground today I fell and cracked the ice beneath my feet only to find another layer of frustration and i want to cry but if i cry the tears will harden into ice and form a cage around me and God knows I feel trapped enough already there is a barrier as thin as glass between them and me after i fell i cried for help and the sound ricocheted off the walls and no one heard but me. i wish your warmth was still running through my veins but in science class I learned about how your skin cells are replaced every sixty days and it pains me to think that my skin will soon no longer carry your lingering touch and your quiet comfort i still feel the lump in my throat when i swallow it burns with its special kind of anguish and it is making me believe what t.s eliot said about how the world ends with a whimper rather than with a bang. i have tied a rope around my lungs they constrict and i can no longer breathe in and i wish i’d tied the noose around my neck instead and i wish you were here. i wish you were here with me. i wish you were holding me and giving me a reason to breathe. breathe. breathe. who knew that something as simple as breathing could feel so much like dying (I am ready to go now, i think) my blood is dripping from my arm and my life is draining from my veins
seasonal affective disorder // e.g.w
