Untrue
Alan Jackson has a song called “I’ll Try”.....“And I’ll try to love only you....And I’ll try my best to be true”
Instead of saying “I Do”, I should've said, “I’ll Try.” I knew walking down the aisle, marrying that man was a huge mistake. I knew it, not in a cold feet sort of way, but to my core, I solidly knew it.
Why he wanted to marry me remains a mystery. I know he loved me, in his way, and I know he tried to fix what was wrong. But the ‘wrong’ was unfixable. The ‘wrong’ was me. I wasn’t broken, I was just the wrong girl. Wrong in the sense that the right girl wouldn’t have lied and cheated more than a handful of times and wrong in that the right girl wouldn’t have fucked his best friend. Twice. I’ll get back to that.....
I was never truly sorry for what I’d done either. I felt sufficiently bad. And by sufficiently, I mean I dutifully appeared to be remorseful. It wasn’t until later in life that I actually felt bad. What I felt bad about though was that I lied. I lied when I said I’d be faithful and true. I failed to be honest, with myself, and I led someone down a path of destruction.
But, in the moment, I said the words; I’m sorry. That’s what we do, right? We hurt someone and then we say, oops, sorry. As adults we’re able to reasonably predict the consequences of our actions. In that context, those forbidden liaisons weren’t mistakes. They were choices. And in that context, my “sorry” didn’t mean I was actually sorry. Quite honestly, I only felt stupid. I got caught. My biggest struggle wasn’t in deciding to stop having sex with other men. I wasn’t going to do that. My biggest struggle was getting better at hiding it. I failed at that too.
Having been ‘caught’ again, he looked at me, eyes tear-stained red, with incredulous, seething hatred and said, “Why are you like this?”
All I could say was, ‘I just am’.
Albeit tragically late in the relationship, I did attempt to explain how I see the world and what I want out of it. Not in an effort to salvage anything, but rather just to be understood. My perspective and my thoughts were not met with any sort of understanding or tolerance.
Through my lens, marriage, as defined, is a legal union between two people. Monogamy is not in that definition or synonymous with marriage, but yet is treated as such. Traditionally, it’s inferred, expected and required. Just like ‘love’. Love is typically perceived to be synonymous with fidelity. Inferred, expected and traditionally required.
I do not subscribe to either understanding. Practical aspects aside, I do not believe in traditional marriage, or one that is centered around monogamy. I do not believe that I love ‘you’ less by having an intimate, sensory experience with someone other than ‘you’. In fact, I believe the opposite. The love I believe in says the door to the world is open and it’s not up to me to dictate how you exist in that space. It’s not up to me to MAKE you happy. It’s selfish to think any one person has that much power or ability. It’s far too big a job to put upon another person that your happiness be their responsibility.
I believe that if I love you, I should support and share in your happiness. Not manage or marginalize. Speaking strictly of fidelity as a requirement in a relationship, that feels fearful to me. Be who you are and I’ll be who I am and if those pieces fit, how lucky we are. That’s love to me. Let the ‘us’ be who we are, without judgement or punishment. What could possibly be more amazing?! Imagine the limitless expansion of your life experiences when wholly accepted! Only then are we living authentically and I believe in that openness, we experience love at is purest form. Who doesn’t want that??
Only recently defining that whether it’s my idea of marriage or something else, a relationship that’s without judgment, one that shares, creates and explores is where I feel most genuine. A relationship wherein the ‘we’ are limited only by the boundaries that we create. A relationship where I’m never asked; Why are you like this?
I just am.
