#shitty self para

[grimgott]

      A young boy sits in a steel chair, his feet just barely dangling above the ground as though he’s hanging from a noose around his neck. And he might as well. He scribbles the name “Oh Jungsu” with a pen in the fist onto a line following the word “patient,” then slides it back across the tabletop toward his counselor. And his eyes feel swollen because he hadn’t gotten much rest the night before. Those beady fucking eyes of his… he looks like a taxidermy rat with marbles plopped into his sockets to make him look more — alive. His mother doesn’t like his eyes, she says they lack soul. Says the stark contrast between wan complexion and dollops of onyx give him the image of ashen vermin. And he fidgets as much as one, not to mention. He’s got his hands shoved beneath his thighs and he tries not to look at the light that’s been pointed at his face. Because if he does, he swears he’s the world’s youngest criminal. A whopping eight years old and looking like a suspect in a mystery murder. Or rather, the crime of impending self-destruction.

      We’ll flash back to the night prior. Before laying his head to rest in his jail cell of a bed, barred in by railing to prevent him from falling out, he worried of this particular day. An interview, an interrogation. Of one of the few people who had congenital insensitivity to pain in their very own South Korea. An interview, because they wanted to milk him for all he was worth. He had nightmares. He was an experiment. He was a frog with limbs divergent and was laid belly-up. The same light was directed at him, but he was sprawled against a steel plate rather than scribbling his name atop a steel table. His eyes quivered and he studied his assailant (some people call them a scientist) and a scalpel lowered in this cinematic sort of slow-motion, with the threat of pressing against his flesh. And then they began to unroot his guts, and his liver, and his lungs. They finished off by ripping out his heart. And Jungsu didn’t feel any of it; he could only watch each part of him tossed away like it was nothing more than something to take notes on.

      His counselor leans in closer, and this moon of a face snaps Jungsu out of it. He blinks.

      The doctor clears their throat, “When you see someone else in pain, what do you associate?” 

      The young boy’s marble eyes flicker around the room, a reassurance to onlookers that he is indeed a living being. He looks for his mother for help, but she isn’t there to help him — she’s left him for dead. “I think, that must really hurt.” 

      “What is hurt?” 

      As if in deep thought, the boy squints his eyes and stares desperately at the medical practitioner. He couldn’t answer them.

[helenaliarvalourhg]

Therapy Memories. || Self Para. || Helena.

Helena hated going to therapy, stuck in the doctor’s office, alone with the doctor, the same questions asked over and over, week in, week out. She wasn’t even able to lie, they knew why she was there. Her best defence, her best asset, was useless. She had no way of hiding anything. If she lied, they pressed. They pressed and pressed until she broke, screaming the truth in their face, close to tears.

"Helena. How was your week?" “Fine.” - a lie. “Really? I don’t believe that.” “It was fine.” - still lying.

The session would repeat like that, over and over, though the questions would change every other week. The week following the hotel was one of the worst Helena had encountered, the doctor probing her about her actions, if she made friends, the argument she’d had with Ace Maverick, the doctor still asking questions when she had said she didn’t want to talk, driving her to storming out and leaving, then hiding in her room, not wanting to socialise.

[princessakate]

Never || Self-Para

Kate lay on her back, staring at the ceiling. She could hear her cousins' obnoxious voices downstairs. They were going on about how they got the honor roll and how wonderful their grades had been, this year. Kate figured that her stupid aunt put them up to this. Kate had never gotten great grades in school so, they were trying to show her up by saying that they were geniuses. She had gotten in trouble, earlier. Her sixteen year old cousin was talking about how great she did in her AP classes and Kate had screamed that no one gave a damn. Both her grandmother and her father gave surprised looks and her father told her to stay in her room until she could act civil.

The brunette didn't know what civil meant but, she'd gladly hide away in her room until her family left. They were only here to get money. They didn't care about the family, at all. After a couple minutes, the sound of her cousins' voices started to give her a headache. Groaning, she rolled off her bed and walked over to her stereo. Kate put on a pop station and turned the music up as loud as it could go.  It wouldn't be long before someone was pounding on her door to turn the music down. They wouldn't get an answer, though. She pushed a chair up against the door, so it couldn't open. Then, she changed from her dress into a pair of sweatpants and one of her tank tops. Once she was dressed, she tied her sheets around the bed post and shimmied out the window. Kate had seen it on movies before and thought she could try it. Then, she yanked on the sheet until it finally came down and stuffed it behind a bush.

No one would know she was gone. They would just think that she was throwing a tantrum in her room. Kate decided not to take her car, instead she was going to walk to the dance studio. It wasn't that far away and the walk never hurt. While she walked, her minded drifted to Danny, as it always did. If they were still together, she could have called him. He would have picked her up and kept her occupied. She may have even just hid at his house until they left. But, they weren't together anymore and as far as she knew, they wouldn't ever be together again.

It wasn't her fault that they weren't together. When they first broke up, Kate had cried so much and scrutinized everything about herself. She quickly realized, though, that nothing she did drove him away. He drove himself away. She didn't know why or what did it but, it was his fault that they weren't together. He called it off. He thought he was a monster. He didn't have the self worth to stay with her. After she got passed the crying, she just felt empty.  Now, she still loved him with all of her heart. But, she hated him. He left her. He didn't want to be with her and no matter what she did, he wasn't going to be with her. 

Thinking about Danny always made her head hurt. So, when she got into the dance studio, she asked the secretary for some Tylenol. The secretary gave Kate some and she thanked her before heading to an empty room. She took a couple minutes to look at the radio and the CDs that were beside it. While she looked, her mind drifted back to Danny. He wasn't going to be with her, she had accepted that. But, since she accepted it, he was probably going to want to be with her now. The thought of Danny trying to be with her again, holding her, kissing her, simply touching her, sent shivers down her spine. But, she wasn't going to do it. He had hurt her, badly. She didn't want to risk that again. She loved him with all her heart and wanted nothing more than to be with him. But, she was never going to be with him again.

That was her last thought before she lost her mind to the music and lost her body to the dance.

She was never going to be his, again. 

[princessakate]

Dance a Little More || Self-Para

"Honey? Kate, sweetheart? I know they've never really talked to us but, they want to- Kate! Come back!" her father's voice grew louder but, Kate ignored it, slamming the door behind her. She needed to leave the house, now. Fumbling with her keys, Kate got into her car and started it. She was pulling out of the driveway just in time to see her father appear on the front porch, looking at her in shock. Kate never behaved this way. She was a good girl, sitting and listening, doing everything asked of her.

Her cousins were coming. Her mother's sister decided that she wanted to come and meet Kate. An aunt that Kate never knew but, only heard about. Her aunt hadn't even sent a card when her mother died. They just kept their distance, pretending that Kate and her family hadn't existed. But, her grandmother was getting older so, her aunt wanted to come and kiss her grandmother's ass to try and get all the money.

Kate was driving down the road, heading straight for the dance studio. Usually, she waited until it was closed but, she couldn't wait, today. Kate hated the aunt that she never met, she wasn't there for them, at all. That wasn't family. But, now she had to see them. She didn't know if she liked her cousins because they had never met either. Kate had never had contact with any part of her family other than her father and grandmother. 

On top of having to be civil around her aunt, Kate wouldn't have the house to herself, her grandma to herself, and her father to herself. She would have to share her family and home. Kate didn't want to do that. She was not ready to share with strangers that decide to show up because they may get money.

She wished that she was still with Danny. She could call him and just cry. He would come pick her up and just hold her and tell her everything would be okay. They would go out and get some ice cream and just spend the day together. He would take her mind off of her stupid aunt. But, they weren't together and her heart hurt all over again at the reminder that Danny wasn't hers, anymore. He wasn't anyone's. 

There was an open space near the front and Kate quickly parked, hopping out of the car. She walked into the front and looked at the lady behind the desk. "Are there any empty studios?" she asked, looking at the girl. It was probably a summer job because they girl looked a few years younger than Kate. She was led to a studio in the back and Kate thanked the girl then shut the door, turning up the music.

Kate would probably be here way past closing time.

[rosiegreyson]

Mistakes || Self para

Hours turned into days, days turned to weeks, and before Rose realized it, it had been a month. A long, dreadful month away from home. Not even bothering to pack a bag, or leave a notice with Violet, she had driven until she passed that "Leaving Washington' sign.

She had no set destination, no money, no clothes, just herself, and the car she drove. After hours of driving, she had pulled into a small town, pick pocketing a few town goers, just enough for food and money for a room to stay. Once she made herself comfy in the little motel room, she stayed. Not leaving once. She paid in advance, and kept to herself, leaving herself in the dark to drown in her thoughts and emotions.

With each passing day, it got harder and harder to function. She couldn't breathe, couldn't move, even the voice in her head had left. She was losing herself further and further down the rabbit hole. 

Thoughts of Ty, Oliver, Violet and Aiden were burned into her brain, their images a permanent vision behind her closed eyelids."Fuck!" she growled, burying her face int the pillow. She didn't know what to do, there was no living after this. She wasn't herself without them, there was no living without them. But how could she face them now? She abandoned them, left them all with nothing but a note, there was no facing them.

Crying into the sheets of her bed, she could only imagine what was happening at the Savage home. Ty secluding himself from his family, his pack, Violet, her little princess locked away in her room, Aiden...In the darkness writing painful lyrics once again for the pain she'd caused him...She didn't even want to think about how Ollie was handling things. The image of him pained her the worst, he would have taken it the worst, and she knew black would be there to worsen things.

Rose let out a loud growl, "You're a fucking piece of shit Rose...You fucking ruined everything." she screamed, she hated herself so much, she wished she had the power to hurt herself, to cause a permanent pain, she even thought of death, she deserved it, she deserved to die for causing the ones she loved, this much pain. But death was out of the question, she was immortal.

"A pain worse than death." she sighed, thinking of how she would probably have to spend an eternity with the pain of a broken heart.

Suck it up.

Relieved to hear the voice, Rose pepped up a bit, not feeling so alone anymore.

Stop being a fucking child, you're an adult goddammit. Act like it! Get your ass up and go home. Fix your problems. I'm not going to be trapped in this fucking sorrow for eternity, watching you fucking mope over the shittieness you created.

Rose cringed at the voice's harshness, but knew it was right. The thought of seeing the angered faces of her loved ones, haunted her. Would they take her back? Would the accept her? Did they hate her? why wouldn't they hate her?

Just shut the fuck up Rose. Get your shit together and go home. Right now. Before shit actually hits the fan in the savage house.

Rose sat up, a worried expression crossing her face, "what do you mean?"

An angry Tyler, a pack of werewolves, and the ex you slept with, that caused you to make this stupid decision of leaving...how do you think Tyler reacted reading your letter hm? Finding out you love the new tenants? DO you really think Ty would have took the time to ask questions first?

Without a second thought, Rose grabbed her keys and raced to the car, speeding off towards home. She knew she'd cause heartbreak, but she wouldn't be the cause of her loved ones tearing each other apart.

After hours of driving, her eyes finally settled in on the familiar city lights. Home. Coming to the savage house, she could tell things weren't chaotic, lights were on in both houses, doors were on their hinges, things were okay. thank god..

Wanting to park and get out, she couldn't bring herself to do so. Instead she sat there, just admiring the two homes. When there was sudden movement, she started the car. She couldn't stay, as much as she wanted to, she needed to slowly make her way back into their lives, but first, she needed to speak to her daughter. Her first priority. But that could wait till morning. All she needed now was to take the time to figure things out, just a little bit more time to herself.

[vashappeninzayn-rp-blog]

Wake Up Call

Zayn had stayed up nearly all night attempting to finish a song he'd started the day before, but after several failed attempts and half a pack of cigarettes he gave up and crawled into his bed. His eyes were less than ten minutes when Harry burst into his room with two cups of tea, "Good morning babe." he said while he flashed his trademark cheeky grin. Zayn groaned and buried himslf into his pillow, "Go away Har, I'm too tired right now." 

Harry ignored him and placed the two cups of tea down on the bedside table and crawled into bed with Zayn, "Nah mate, everyone else is off with their girls today so I'm shadowing you for the day." he chuckled happily to himself as he flicked on the tv to some random American cartoon channel. Zayn turned and glared at him before pushing himself up in the bed, yawning he reached over Harry and grabbed his cup of tea, snuggling back into the heat of his pillows he sipped his tea slowly as Harry laughed at the tv that had just begun. 

He rested his head on Harrys shoulder and smirked slightly. "You do know cartoons are for... hey wait is this Pokémon."