#sorta negative

[grifftrolls]

So

I’m gonna level with you guys, I’m pretty burned out in regards of fantrolls. Now just to clarify. No, I will not delete my blog, I’m not gonna delete my fantrolls, I’m not leaving the community. However there have been multiple factors that really just drained my energy for my trolls and I just don’t really am able to give it my all anymore currently.  I’ve been roleplaying fantrolls since late mid 2016, sure I created my first trolls around 2012-2014 however I didn’t know there was a community and I only had 2 friends I’d do things with but since both lost intrest I just shelved my trolls. one of those friends turned out to be very emotionally abusive/manipulative with me I was primairly using ocs with them and as a result after cutting ties in 2016 I really didn’t want to use my ocs anymore. But I still had my trolls, and that’s kinda how I just started looking around and revamp my trolls. Since then they’ve grown and developed a lot, I’ve met amazing people here in the community including my GF, and I’m super greatful for that, my art has improved a lot too since then I feel anyways lol So that is one of the big factors, the other one being the incident, I know most of you are aware what I mean, I’m doing my best to move on from it, but it really has affected my way to interact with people in the community, like despite multiple attempts to interact with people I’m just being flat out ignored, while my mutuals do get replies and such. I know I can’t force people to interact with me but it does really hurt knowing it’s because one POS decided to paint me as “that person who rp’d this bad thing once” which I’m now basically known as. And given how shitty tumblr is yeah, no matter what I’ll do or say, I’m known as “that one person who rp’d this bad thing once” and nothing else. It IS an issue with this comunity let’s be real, not just this one but don’t tell me there is not a huge “one strike and you’re out” mentality in the FTC.  I’ll repurpose this blog to be more multi fandom, my trolls will still be the primary focus, but I’ll also be including other things such as my pokemon ocs, and even non fandom ocs, I know people will tell me “just do what makes you happy” and I will, anyways thanks to all the wonderful people who are there for me and support me, I’d not be here if it weren;t for you guys so from the bottom of my heart thank you <3  my trolls will still be open for asks, interactions, rps and the likes, I’ll still give them bios and make art of them, even write stuff. Just expect to see more none homestuck related things, it’ll be tagged so it can be blocked if you’re only intrested in my trolls, however you won’t be seeing any content of them in a while as a heads up

Thanks for reading and again, love you amazing folk, stay healthy and safe 

Horse

[terminallytwee]

a little poem about expectations, transcript in the read more 

please consider donating to my patreon here

when i was too young,

i was given a funeral shroud. 

it was made with love:

my mother and father tenderly drove

every need and pin

into place.

it looks like it fits well

because it fits like a hospital gown

and ties at the back

of my neck.

sometimes i wear it all day. 

it’s always at least in my closet. 

[sapphicmoon-sapphicsea]

Do y'all ever feel bitter sweet when you fellow gay friend is getting hit on by a girl? Like it's not because you have a crush on her, but it's because you just sort of wish that would happen to you. Like my friend is freaking out because a girl she thought was cute started flirting with and like, I'm super happy for her!!!!! Like hell yeah, look at you, going out there getting all the ladies!!!!! But at the same time, I feel sad because God I wish that was me. Idk, do other people feel like that, or am I just being bitter?

[deadwapiti-fr]

ugh im really not liking how my art is looking. it's too simple and i can't add the right details without it looking bad and it's so damn stiff it seems lifeless

[eddiesgazebos]

Does anybody else just feel that tightening in their throat when a certain song comes on and have to fight back tears? Like holy crap tonight is just not my night or something.

[kumateddi]

anyway here’s a small little update:

This past week has beeeen rough as shit and not really having an outlet like...anywhere because i dont wanna bog down anyone with my dumb sob stories lmao. I havent been taking complete care of myself like i should and also had to call into a hotline once so i didnt do anything stupid or reckless.

 I dunno I hope I get better soon but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ we’ll see i guess, most of my problems havent even been that huge and im probably just overreacting and just asking for more attention probably but I dunno! I’m just gonna ride this out and hope for the best and try to do better

[mari-m-rose]

So I have been feeling horrible ever since I got free.

I worked for a month and it seems the place I was working at (the one I talked about basically a month ago) doesn’t seem to want to keep me unless they pay me less. How much less Idk. I feel that my reaction didn’t please my boss so I’m really doubting that they keep me in the end. They told me to rest this week and probs next one too and then they’ll probably hire me for another 15 days and make me rest again and so on, but yeah I kinda don’t want that because I want a stable job. I feel that I’m being treated like a trainee designer when I already proved them I’m much more than that. So, yes, that’s worrying me. Being unemployed again so soon is stressing me.

Second, my relationship seems to be upgrading, since I graduated and all, I feel bf is getting anxious. We had a big af fight last sunday about a really stupid thing, that lasted until tuesday. It was emotionally draining and I was already hormonal and unstable because my period was coming...we were able to solve it, but lately I feel that he’s harder to reach and harder to understand. Today we finally talked about what’s bothering him and he said a really hurtful thing but thankfully I feel a lot more stable today so I was very calm about it and we managed to talk it out and solve it. I feel we did great today. I feel I could understand him better and that my words finally reached him. I wish things start improving. IF ONLY he would not demand sanity from me when I’m unstable, I seriously can’t, today I explained that and I think he finally understood. Well that turned out fine ofc, but it was hellish while it lasted.

And ofc dearest manga hasn’t been helping, I srsly don’t think that what happened in these last weeks was that bad but I’m running short on patience. It’s hard to enjoy a story that destroys everything you love. Even if it’s a process to goodness, some things that really hurt have been said and done. I’m just hoping dearest manga author fixes things because I know that she’s good at it, but I also can’t fully trust because I’m too emotional. This is why I’m dropping it unless something really good happens. I’m dropping the spin off too. Not because it’s bad and it’s def not hurting me, I think its writing is even superior and I love it but I need a rest >+o. I’m ded. I’m too focused on it and that’s harming me. I give it a month maybe, unless something cool happens first.

Sadly even some people I know have considered me toxic for my opinions on this manga and I developed guilty feelings for expressing my opinions which is so wrong and I’m mad at myself for having them. I will express my opinions, I never insult anyone when I express myself so I don’t think anyone should feel offended about what I have to say.  I srsly just want that everyone has fun and since I’m not I’m doing my own stuff to also have fun. Hence all that indulging, basic and, I admit, boring artwork.  I’m a boring person that draws the same thing over and over again.

Then again, I feel I don’t belong here anymore and that I’m being judged and left behind. It’s sad because once I feel I was someone here (someone part of the fandom I guess) but now I feel like I’m a nuisance. And now I’m even doubting if some friends that I made in this fandom like me anymore. It makes me want to run away and never speak to them again.

On the bright side, because today I feel a lot better, thus I’m writing this to leave these feelings behind, I’ve met a lot of lovely new people and I’m very comfy in our silent secret corner, in which everything is fun and they are so lovely. Telephone otp thing was also a good idea. I suck at socializing but the sight of people talking so lively to each other and having fun definitely cheers me up and encourages me to continue with my projects in this fandom.

Also is it during these kind of bad days that those who are your real friends stand out and just knowing they are there makes everything recover at an amazing speed ♥.  And you my guys if you are reading this long thing and still feel positive about me and what I post. Thank you. I say a lot of bs but I appreciate every single action of support, everything, everything makes me happy: follows, notes, reblogs, comments, asks (even tho I can’t reply immidiately). If you are having fun here despite my latent negativity, then my work here is done. Thanks to everyone that is still here with me. I don’t think many people will read this because it’s too personal, but I’m gonna make sure to make another post thanking everyone soon.

It’s late and I should sleep. Blessings to you all! I may fall but I swear that I will always stand up to step on the corpses of those who like to see me fall.

[caveofwanderers]

semi hiatus time

{more under the cut to explain}

Considering I have been busy with classes for these past few weeks..barring the fact I am constantly dealing with other matters like daily life, chores, anime club, and occasionally gaming. I am putting this out here until classes are done. I personally am sorry but... someone tells me that I lack the right time and motivation for all this and..he’s right

Doesn’t help that I’m feeling rather low in confidence when it comes to my OCs half the time when they aren’t being poked or prodded they just seem to not shine as much. I want them to be noticed... not to collect dust and be forgotten.

They should loosen up by April 20th but I may break hiatus earlier if I feel I got myself some breathing room.. I apologize for the inconvenience and I hop you all understand my position, but dear god I just feel like hell for even trying to juggle so much at once.}