You never realize what you had until it is gone.
I try to avoid something in my life: Regrets. So many people have them, either for things they have done, or things they have not. From what I have observed, regrets tend to happen most often when people are not honest with themselves concerning their passions and desires. They suffocate them--usually from a one form of fear or another--and end up wishing they could go back.
One of my goals for my senior year of high school was to not have regrets. And for the most part, I succeeded. There are a few situations I cannot help but wished played out differently. However, these events are done and over with. I am very much aware they cannot be changed, no matter how much I wish it, so there is little use in dwelling on my past mistakes.
There is something at Cedarville I miss. It is not a regret of high school--but I suspect it may one day be a regret of college. During my senior year, I participated in a girls' Bible study. Rather than picking a certain book, commentary, or section of the Bible to study together, we all participated in our own readings, wherever that was, and came together once a week to discuss what we were learning. It was most assuredly one of the high points of my week and I loved it! The girls in the group taught me so much. Gaining their unique perspectives on passages that, at times, were slightly too familiar helped stretch me. Our meetings where also great to hold me accountable not only in my personal quiet time, but also as a leader in the youth group. They were not afraid to call me out on faults.
I miss having that community here at Cedarville. Yes, I have close friends here that I trust. But one cannot simply substitute the open relationships that, in some instances, I cultivated across a four-year span in only a few short months. There was a level of trust among our group of girls' that it is impossible to find outside of a group of people who know each other intimately and chose to still love even when knowing the faults of one another. Those girls know me better than almost everyone else. They know how to recognize when I am edging my way towards sin. they know the facades I put up to try and block others out. They know me.
This lack of community has made life, well, interesting, to say the least, here at Cedarville. Not having the accountability and comfort has put me in at interesting dilemna at times. Do I open up to people I do not completely trust yet when life goes crazy, or try and figure it out on my own? Neither option is that appealing.
And yet, things change. In my Spiritual Formations class, we had to meet as a group once a week for half the semester to discuss assigned chapter in one of our texts. Some of the members in my group could care less. But some do actually enjoy the fellowship. Tonight was our last mandated night to meet. A recommendation came up that we continue to gather after spring break; I know so will not bother, but I would enjoy continuing as would some of the others. It takes up valuable time in my week, but I place great value on having an intimate group of people to be honest with.
In the same token, the group of us students spending spring break together in Mexico for a mission trip (Whoo whoo!) is drawing much closer. The dynamics in our group is different from any other group setting I have witnessed previous. We come from different walks of life, different majors, different stories. And yet, we act as if we have known each other forever. We tease, knit-pick, nag, and take care of each other--a lot like family. no one is excluded i our group and we are not divided into subgroups, even if some of us have known each other longer than others.
"And when they were come, and had gathered the church together, they rehearsed all that God had done with them, and how he had opened the door of faith unto the Gentiles." (Acts 14:27, KJV)