#stressers

[harrysgucciclothes-blog]

Easy and cheap stress reliever

Bubbles

Blow bubbles. It’s calming and who doesn’t like bubbles!

[unfathomablesanity]

I ruin things before they ruin me, and I end up ruining everything.

M

[monohedron]

[livefastdiepretty723]

sleep or nah?

I fear that tonight will be a long night, one of which I wont enjoy and will hate tomorrow. A self induced stress fest fueled by my own overthinking, worrying and wondering. Money is the root of all evil... Well I'll be durned (lawd if my Southern isn't showing when I say things like "Well I'll be durned" something I rarely say vocally.) if that isn't what helped kick start my overthinking/stressing session. I need to figure out what the hell I wanna do for work, and start looking-applying-interviewing-and getting because this ol' gravy bidness isn't cutting it. It would if I could have weeks like I am this week, with an almost full time load of work. Plus retail isn't my cup of tea, hasn't been from the get go. But had to quit my lesser paying "full" time (full time for that office, which was never fully 40 hours because the 2 hour period we were closed and our half day which was never a full half day on Fridays) because of the amount of angst due to my office managers bullshit. I couldn't it was almost to the point I was making myself physically sick. But yes, I was paid hourly their and when I started I was making a little more than my retail job but seeing as they as a corporation raised minimum wage above that plus what I got in my SHITTY ass raise. (a whopping .23 for someone who has been with the company going on 6 years (will be on 10/17) and I bust my ass most days, come if its possible, work for other people, trade shifts if I don't have plans, rarely pass up adding hours to my day or the week. I've only ever got .23 raises except when they raised everyones minimum wage. But it's utter bullshit when the store manager or the manager who used to make the schedule makes the schedule I get 30+ hours but when the current scheduling manager makes the schedule I'm lucky to get 20 hours. I am not the only one who thinks this is an issue, especially when there are employees with another job and who act like they're doing shit get more hours than me. And if you're gonna use that bullshit "it's all about credit card applications/order in stores completed (the OIS is the new thing, I made the stores goal for those SUNDAY, and I could have had 2 more if they'd had the items available to order)" you can see that I get them, almost every shift unless I'm working the truck/signs/floor setting shifts because those shifts I don't have the time to or I'm stuck in the back. It's growing more and more apparent that hard work doesn't count for shit in that store unless you're kissing some managers ass or getting a ridiculous amount of cards in a shift. I've never gotten more than 10 cards in a shift, and that was back when I didn't ask like every customer, now I do unless I see they already have a card or read them as a person who will say "NO" instantly. If only I could figure out what I wanted to do, or even try for a little bit... I'd be all for another job to go along with my retail gig again. Cuz if I didn't like it I could always go back to just retail for a bit. Since the end of the month will make 4 full months I've been back, and I'm starting to get fed up again. I didn't mind the chiropractic office, I would have loved it if it wasn't for the one bad apple, and the lack of opportunity to grow or learn. I'm almost to the point that I would rather not deal with the public or people, because people suck for the most part. I know I want something that is full time, with benefits, weekends off, that challenges me with the opportunity to advance. This feeling like I spend more money than I make, when I barely do anything is ridiculous.  I try to watch my spending for that reason. But I can't just be a hermit and do nothing all the time. Getting that speeding ticket that I got was bullshit and doesn't help the situation. *angry face emoji* I still don't think I was going that fast, but whatever. I'm not gonna waste my time going to court to argue it or waste my money hoping a lawyer can get me out of it. So thinking about money and work is keeping me up, that and the decision to babble about it here is, too. Then there is good ol' poopyhead hoodie ruiner... I am kicking myself for not giving him a fair shot the first two times we talked/hung out because I feel like part of that is coming back to bite me this time. I hate the lack of communication, or the lack of the attempt to communicate. I hate hearing the I got busy and I forgot to reply, I get stupid busy sometimes but I always manage to reply to you! I would like to see you more but with conflicting work schedules, him having k (which I respect and I'm glad he spends time with his daughter), and him living an hour away it makes things hard. I've backed off on the texting thing in hopes that it would help. I'd like to know that this has the potential to be more down the road considering he's made it known he doesn't want anything serious right now. I think I want something more but hell I could be psyching myself up and not want that. I do know that I want to be more than what I feel like right now; which is an over glorified fuck buddy. I've said I feel like I'm an overglorified fuck buddy to him via text and to his face, to which he response with "fuck buddies don't go on dates and do stuff together, they just fuck and part ways..." Oh really I've been graced with the title of (ugh anyway I put this it sounds bad and makes me cringe...side chick, fuck buddy, second choice by a guy who thinks its ok to have her and me, when I think I should have had the title before her when I've been around longer and he insists on me staying the night and rarely talks to me other than we he wants some. the talking thing might be partially my fault because after I found out about her I stopped trying as hard, I don't share as much, and I try to block feelings because I don't agree with it and I know I'm enabling it. I'm in the fast lane to hell I know! But yet he tells me I'm the best female friend he's got and I know more about him than anyone else when I feel like I'm worlds apart from him and he doesn't know shit about me.. lord I'm gonna stop because I'm going off on a tangant and thinking about that just aggravates me. Because I care too fucking much and he just tells me shit to placate me. Yes, we go out to dinner, we've went shopping and we hang out with his roommates and play cards against humanity, and when he tries we talk on the phone or via text... I'm not one to want you up my ass twenty four seven three sixty five, never will be. I value my me time, our we time, time with our individual and now mutual friends and I've stated that since we have a way of bringing up such topics with out really meaning to, or is it? Like he was fussing about how his roommates (a couple, she just moved in recently.) constantly spend time together and she fusses when they want to have guy time and play video games. It's gotten to the point that it aggravates POOPYHEAD HOODIE RUINER (I've been cutting back on calling him that lately) hell it aggravates me. She walks all over him (her bf) sometimes, and waking up to them fighting first thing in the morning ain't cool bro. Like that instance I just mentioned I heard and remember him saying "damnit B (I'm not using her full name but he wasn't calling her a bitch) I can't do anything right can I?" I thought to myself well  you're enabling that attitude and those actions but what do I know?? But back to the up one anothers ass thing, the attached at the hip and wont let the other person have their friend/personal time-Dude, let them have a fucking hour you've been together all day and you live together. I can't.... But I've never been in a situation like that. I don't want you calling me all day multiple times of the day nor do I want you constantly texting me nor do I expect it. But a couple times a day texting and maybe a phone call (he's not a phone talker nor am I but I do make exceptions for people I like, him not so much its like pulling teeth.) I've already fussed about the going 2 and 3 days with out talking, I can't deal and I wont. I really wish I could find a way to bring up the what is this going to become without sounding crazy or clingy. I don't wanna waste my time for nothing to become of this other than what it is. I've gotten over my fear of the kid thing, I look at it as a blessing in a sense. I'm real on the fence about kids, I don't want them anytime soon, I think my mom would blow a gasket if I did it out of wedlock (when she has no room to judge she had me before they got married, they got married when I was two months old) and to go along with those things, its potential less pressure to have another kid if we were to become something more. I openly ask about her, hell it kills me to be back in baby with out wanting to shop at work... like today I found two onesies I liked but he vetoed that with the "that child has got more clothes than she'll ever wear" Granted I have yet to meet her... Which is whatever. I just feel like if I'm gonna be around I need to sometime. And you'd think having a child he'd want someone who was gonna be around, and someone who was ok with her being in his life (since they're a package deal/ a twofer if you will). I've mentioned my birthday a couple times since it's Saturday to him, knowing it was a weekend he'd have her.. Asked if he was coming a couple times too, the friends I'm doing dinner with are fine with him bringing her along just like I'm cool with. The last time I asked was because my one friend wanted to know if she needed to invite her boytoy (excuse me, I've met him one time, I was having a shit day and I don't really recall saying HEY BRING HIM WITH YOU, plus it would make our other friend feel like the fifth wheel she'd be chilling with K... so why did you think that idea was ok? I told our other friend that feeling the other day when we hung out) plus the constant asking makes me feel like I'm harassing/nagging. I'm fine regardless but  I'd really like for him to come, with or with out the baby but I don't wanna take his time away from her so I've asked if they both wanna come. I haven't gotten a hard yes or no just a "eh, I don't know" shoulder shrug which I loosely translate to a no. If he wants to come fine, my friend who wanted to invite her boy can just have a fit....ITS MY FREAKING BIRTHDAY AND I'LL INVITE WHO I WANT. Since I can't do everything I want, because reasons. =/ So long story short... money is stressing me out, work is stressing me out because I don't like it, and don't know what I wanna do instead, he's stressing me out because I wanna hang out/talk more and I can only do so much & I want to know what path we're heading down...

I’m going to go get ready for bed and attempt to sleep.