#029 Alien Invasions
The universe is a vast and expanding place. Scientifically speaking it is actually “hella” vast (that’s the actual technical term for it, look it up). And (spoiler alert) we are not even remotely close to being alone in it. The Fraternity of Alien Activity, Reconnaissance and Telecommunications Enthusiasts (or, as the government calls them, FAART Enthusiasts) tells me there are approximately 2,872 unique alien species that have interacted with either Earth or representatives of mankind throughout the history of the world. The Federal Bureau of UFO Tracking, Transporting and Studying (or, as the Fraternity calls them, Federal BUTTS) refuses to give me, a private citizen, with a blog, an actual number, though they strongly implied that the Fraternity was vastly overestimating the number of unique species. But at least the Fraternity would give me a number, so as far as me, you, and this blog are concerned that’s the number of alien species. Now, while many of these alien species have proven to be friendly and have even entered into alliances with Earth, swapping resources, technology and entertainment, others are decidedly more jerkish. Every so often some warmongering (and/or bored) alien armada will swoop down into Earth’s atmosphere and try to conquer the whole planet! This happens like two or three times a decade so if you’re going to be a superhero that’s definitely something to be aware of. (For a brief overview of alien invasions see here.)
Now an alien invasion is almost definitely of greater importance and urgency than whatever other superheroic nonsense you were involved with before a UFO landed on the Washington Mall (did you know that it’s not actually a mall? Like there aren’t stores there. Not even clever Washington-themed riffs on other stores like McRonald Regan’s or Washing Tons Laundromat or Thomas Jeffer-cinnabon or the Warren G. Hardware Store.) So it’s important to just derail, forget about, or hastily wrap up whatever ongoing superhero adventures you were involved with before. Alien invasions take precedence over almost everything else, with exceptions including, interdimensional invaders, a plague that you can’t even weaponize to drive off the aliens because they’re immune and it’s super inconvenient, and probably zombie grasshoppers. So you better start doing some research on warloving alien races and past alien invasions, because when the invasion comes you need to be prepared at a moment’s notice. (Zombie grasshoppers are the most dangerous kind of zombie because they’re small, so they’re hard to spot, and also they can jump really frikkin’ high so sometimes you can’t just step on them and honestly, after dying alone and the dark, zombie grasshoppers are my biggest fear.)
An alien invasion should trigger a worldwide alliance of superheroes and other para-folk who aren’t in the mood to be subjugated by other-worldly warlords. When the fate of the world is at stake you need to put aside all petty squabbles and form an alliance between anybody and everybody who could possibly hold their own against evil alien soldiers. Sometimes that even means bad guys. You’re just going to have to deal with it. You need to pool all of your resources and information into an effective invasion repelling force. It doesn’t matter if that one guy tried to rob a bank last Thursday. He has a sub-machine freeze ray. It rapidly fires capsules that emit a freezing gas when broken. This is clearly a useful thing to have when fighting aliens. Just be chill (hahahaha) let him join the team. The first thing you should do when forming this world-super-alliance is select a leader and establish a headquarters. Normally your leader should be the most high-profile superhero, probably the leader of the largest superhero team. Likewise, the headquarters of the largest superhero team should probably be used as headquarters and mission control for this veritable super-army. This alliance is basically worthless without proper leadership and organization. It would be advisable (in fact, we’re advising it now) to try to merge everyone’s support-squads to form a massive network of superhero allies and helpers across the world.
The next thing you need to do is actually fight off the invasion. Remember, you are Earth’s last line of defense, if you fall, Earth falls, so there’s no holding back here. Also, just something to keep in mind, try to nab some neat alien gear. Steal some weapons, grab some sweet body armor, really just take anything you can carry. As a superhero it’s your right to grab as much alien stuff as you can before some government swoops in and takes it all to study somewhere. Also if you take a bunch of alien stuff you can maybe infiltrate the aliens’ mothership. This only really works if both you and the aliens you’re fighting are roughly humanoid. You’d probably have trouble impersonating an alien with multiple arms, or one with no legs that just kind of floats above the ground. Or one with three heads. Or one with two heads even. There was no need for me to go to the extreme and start talking about three heads. You only have one head. Anything more than that will be hard to mimic. I mean you probably could figure something out. Use some cleverly disguised basketballs, or grape fruits, or busts. Or get a hologram projector! Yeah, anybody with a hologram projector can easily infiltrate an alien mothership. You should just do that.
Once you’ve infiltrated the mothership, the main hub and command center of the alien invasion you need to start destabilizing anything and everything you can. Just start ripping wires out of the wall. Punching aliens. Stealing stuff that looks important. Maybe plant a few timed explosives that you can detonate remotely as convenient. Then, once things have been properly destabilized you need to STEAL. AN. ALIEN. SHIP. It’s gonna be awesome.
Hop into an alien cruiser and blast the hell out of that heavily sabotaged mothershippin’ invasion command hub. It’s someone else’s problem now. Now you have a sick alien ship. Full disclosure, most of you will probably crash it immediately and die. Which is too bad. But for the rest of you, the one’s that live and have an awesome alien cruiser. Good for you! Congratulations! Fly that thing everywhere. Even places you used to just walk to. Fun traffic law fact: You can park an alien cruiser anywhere. They don’t have license plates or registration numbers. You can’t get ticketed. That’s probably the law. And it’s not like you can tow an alien cruiser. Have you seen those things? They’re maaaaad sleek and smooth and aerodynamic and just visually dynamic, and there’s nowhere to hook it up to a towing rig. Also, like, if you’ve just saved the world from an alien invasion you’re basically allowed to just do whatever you want. Now I’m not saying you should abuse that privilege. Just abuse it enough to park your alien cruiser anywhere you want. (I feel like this entire paragraph should have been in parentheses)
Once the invasion is fought off (and you have your sick cruiser) there comes the matter of rebuilding and recovering. The planet has most likely suffered serious losses and it is important to allow each country to begin to put the pieces of their government and societies back together. Now as far as the superheroes of the world are concerned, they should go back to doing what they do best, helping people and making the world a better place. The massive superhero alliance should be disbanded so each hero can go back to where they are individually needed so they can help people move past the fact that they were recently terrorized by aliens and that they looked nothing like the big-eyed-short-grey-cow-kidnapping aliens from the movies and the televisions. It’s honestly a big shock and a lot to take in. The supervillains who came through and helped fight off the invading force should be given a five-minute head start before being arrested for being actual supervillains. Prisoners that have been captured from the invading force should be treated humanely and not experimented on. Because don’t experiment on people, even alien people. It’s mean. Honestly, just send them home, it will at the very least garner some goodwill with the guys who just tried to steal your planet. Who knows, maybe you can even be friends someday.