#toto journal

[vaadrage]

Inspiration’s Roots (3/4/22)

I’ve been thinking about everything a lot this afternoon. I don’t know how to feel because there’s no finality to any of this. Before NightRaid, I had a lot of comfort with the solid truth in life and death, and how they were each other’s end and beginning. But now I’ve learned the horrible truth. Not everyone is allowed to pass from one to the other so easily. 

I remember this when I think of my friend. I know he is in limbo, and I know it is not some final state that I can be comfortable with. It’s something I want to change, to pull him away from, so he can have peace in his mortal life once more. So he can go back to his mate. 

Bounty Call was hard. I warded off unwanted advances from a patron who thought it was an excellent evening to compliment my figure and looks. I’m tired of it. I would not be friendly with him if I did not have appearances to keep. 

Thankfully, no one really prodded me too much. We had a fun opening where a youth was kicked out for stealing from our kitchen... I have to say, I was thankful to get it out of the way so early. Made the rest of the Call all the more tame. Ryuu even was taking her bed rest seriously, refusing new work all together. I’m glad, because I don’t have it in me to be worrying about others outside of my circle right now. 

I tried to tell Dandelion not to drink his sorrows down, but he pushed me away. I didn’t really know how to respond to that. I’ve never seen him like this before, ever. After some thought, I decided to bring him some spirits from my own collection. If he’s going to drink, at least let it be good. We spoke a good deal into the evening... And even though some of the topics were not easy at times, I do feel a bit more sturdy afterward. 

It hurts, and it’s hard, and I still wish I could cry. But we have fought tooth and nail to bring our loved ones back to us before. So I know we’re going to do it again. Nightmare is just waiting for us, behind the clouds in the sky. It’s just a matter of time. ✘

[vaadrage]

Darkest Night (3/3/22)

I feel like I’m mourning. 

I still can’t wrap my head around it at all. Tears keep spilling from my eyes and I want to sob but I just can’t make myself do it. Even if I could, Marce is fast asleep on the couch and I would like to let him rest. 

I tried to come and help. But Nightmare, M’rhaxis, Coyote... All of them are... Lost. I don’t know how we’ll ever rip them back from the clutches of M’iraa’s control. I feel like dust upon the skin of the gods. I am too small. I couldn’t do anything, and in the end, we had to flee from harm’s way. Leaving them to their fate, all of them. But the others have some semblance of a plan going, and I cannot stay still. I have to keep moving. That is the Vaadrage way. I will not go back on my own words a second time. I just hope Nightmare will wait for us. He has to, right? 

...To make matters worse, my wound is salmon crusted again. I don’t even have it in me to feel panicked over it. I chipped off some pieces, but it was so painful that I just soaked my bandages and covered it as best I could. It hurts like nothing else, but I’ve taken potion for now. It’s all I can do. 

I feel miserable even with Marce here and I hate it. I don’t know how I’m going to face tomorrow. I just need to sleep. I’ll figure it out when I wake up. ✘

[vaadrage]

A City, Unscathed (2/28/22)

After everyone came home, such a cloud of relief fell over me that I thought I might slump over the moment I sat down. It was so very late when they did, and for all those hours they were out, I paced, worrying. That was until Nightmare answered the call and joined me in the infirmary and I abruptly stopped. I hope he didn’t notice.

Bombs in the city. Explosions. Burning flesh. I hate that M’iraa has only made this worry of mine worse, the pain and suffering I felt just runs through me every time I remember. I don’t consider myself afraid of flames, but so many innocents have died to such and I just... Don’t want to imagine others falling to such a horrible thing.

Raven and Scholar scurried themselves to their chambers to treat each other’s wounds, leaving Nightmare and I to tend to Boss and Scilla. Gods, when Sejad came in carrying both of them, all limp in his arms, I really felt my heart skip. Luckily, Boss just had a minor head wound and Scilla was aether dry. Easy fixes, both.

Dandelion said he and Nightmare will be working on a big breakfast feast for us to dig in when morning comes. While I love the idea, I need a drink more than anything. I’m looking to indulge a little and find my peace again.