#trainsition update

[genderfuck-demon]

3 months on T

thicc brows. no pic bc im too lazy and depressed but yea theyre nice

bit of face acne. not much

got my first tiny mustache. shaved it immediately. been waiting to do that.

lots of back acne. some of it hurts and it's made binding w a binder impossible so ive been using kt tape

voice cracks started. probably went down like a tone or so. idk i havent checked since last time

gained weight...im now 112lbs. got belly fat. and i hate myself.

Mental/Emotional stuff:

around 1 month sober

back to eating disorder

heavy black/white thinking. balance? don't know her

heavy splitting on some friends

back to being suicidal. feel like everyone hates me/would be better without me. i love everyone so much but im so insignificant. ive failed everyone. ive failed me. my parents. my entire family. all my friends. my pets. everyone...

[genderfuck-demon]

2 Months on T

missed the mark by a few days again, but whatev time is fake. here we go.

Physical Changes

face:

the acne is subsiding which is a huge relief. now it's still annoying, but manageable. it's also a lot less noticeable which is great bc i was scared it would be a lot like it was when i was a teen

eyebrows: 1 month vs 2 months. i think the second one looks smoother bc of the lighting, but tbh i dont see that much of a change

this is probably just my opinion, but i kinda feel like my face looks chubbier. it's probably just my body dysmorphia tho.

voice: dropped a whole tone, went down to an Ab2. now my vocal range is Ab2-C5-A5 (C5-A5=falsetto).

arms: literally nothing's changed. look at these weak ass noodle arms dafuk

chest/abs: not even gonna bother posting a pic bc it's literally the same. i feel fatter tho, which may or may not be true bc ive been eating a more than usual due to random bursts of hunger, followed by not eating much at all due extreme lack of appetite. and also. body dysmorphia. i'll always feel too fat no matter what. im scared i might be falling back into my eating disorder.

peepee: there is noticeable growth. it doesn't hurt anymore.

legs: nothing notable

Emotional Changes:

the usual hormonal BPDish rollercoaster. for a liiitle moment there, for about 3 or 4 days i was a bit stable, but other than that, im the usual mess that i am. splitting on friends, getting furious for no damn good reason, getting paralyzed in fear that i'll be abandoned, screaming, crying, getting wasted and blacking out, feeling such intense pain my chest starts to physically hurt and it's like flames slowly spreading throughout my entire body. going numb for a moment and getting a small break from all the turmoil. Wallowing in that numbness and savoring it like sweet wine. Randomly breaking down again and bursting into tears. crying and crying and crying and not knowing why. feeling on top of the world. i am a king. i am a god. next minute im miserable, worthless trash and deserve nothing but endless grief and sorrow for all eternity. it never ends...

they said T would make me less emotional and more practical but so far...that clearly hasn't happened. i don't regret going on T tho, that's just how i usually am. im just waiting for this particular change bc im so exhausted of feeling everything so intensely.

overall, im pretty comfy with all the changes so far :)

[genderfuck-demon]

1 Month on T

ok so, technically im 1 month and 11 days on T bc i missed my mark and kept procrastinating on doing this thing dklfsjhg but here we are finally ok so, changes...

face:

ACNE. there is so much acne. not a whooole lot like i expected, but i do have some really annoying zits here and there and they're itchy and bleh

my eyebrows are filling in pretty nicely i think

i have no photos to compare, but i think my jaw looks a bit sharper, less roundish. i have like. a lot of baby fat on my cheeks (which is apparently due to asian genetics) which makes me look super young and i hate that bc everyone thinks im a teenage boy, so im hoping that's gonna change

my skin feels thicker? like. idk how to explain it but it just feels slightly less soft

torso & arms:

acne acne acne acne everywheeeeere pls help. ive been using a bunch of stuff to try to control it, and some of it seems to work, but for the most part, im covered in acne T-T i look like i have chicken pox. if anyone has any tips on how to deal w this, pls tell me

like i said before, my skin feels thicker. and (tw: sh mention) i have a lot of scars and now they feel a bit harder and some of them have cracked and look nasty, so im using a hydrating gel thing to try to keep them soft.

ive been working out, so im starting to see some muscle growth 💪 not a lot tho. still got a long way to go.

(TW: SH SCARS)

here's a picture of my arm flexed and unflexed:

and here's my abs so far. i have -6 pack T-T

stomach:

HUNGRY 24/7

crotch:

there's a liiittle bit of growth but not much. also it kinda hurts sometimes so that's uncomfortable

legs:

i have a bit more leg hair, but thats about it. i used to have like. none on my thighs and now i do so yay

voice:

as of now, my vocal range is Bb2-A5. iirc pre-T it was C3-A5

EMOTIONAL CHANGES:

ohhhh boyyyyyy. im HORNY all the time. im CRYING all the time. im ANGRY all the time. i have a very Fun combination of bp, bpd, and an inner hormone war going on in there fighting for dominance. Think of it like. being on your period while being pregnant and also going through menopause all at once but also like reversed. it's. all very complicated. it's all very A LOT. and like. im a person who cries quite often bc im highly sensitive, but now ive been like. crying every day. im usually dramatic, but now im over the top extra overdramatic. i asked my doctor hey wtf?? bc isn't T supposed to. yknow. do the opposite??? and he said it's fine and it's bc estrogen levels are pretty high rn bc of the ongoing hormone war. this whole emotional dysregulation should calm it's tits eventually.

okay hhhhhhhhhhhh i thiiink that's it for my 1 month changes. if i forgot anything i'll update this.