#vent probably

[j-tder]

tw blood/sh

[cutebutclinicallyinsane]

"nobody teaches you how to be a person when you're tired of being one."

i wake up and the world feels heavier than sleep. not because anything tragic has happened—not today, anyway—but because it hasn't stopped happening. because being a person means enduring quietly, dressing up your dread in clean clothes and finishing your sentences like nothing's fraying behind your eyes.

nobody tells you how to keep existing when existing starts to feel like a group project you never signed up for. i'm a good student. i smile when prompted. i fold my feelings into thirds and tuck them into polite responses. i say "thank you" when someone says "you're strong," even though i haven't felt strong since i was thirteen and didn't know any better. i pass every test except the one that asks if i still want to be here.

truth is, i'm tired. not sleepy. not burnt out. just.. fundamentally exhausted in a way that sleep can't fix and words can't carry. i'm tired of translating myself into acceptable tones. tired of wearing skin like it's a uniform. tired of making sure i don't scare people off with how hollow i feel most days.

i didn't sign up for this syllabus. this "how to be human" curriculum. it's full of contradictory instructions. be kind, but not too soft. be smart, but not intimidating. express yourself, but only in ways people can digest. every lesson feels like a performance evaluation.

sometimes, i wonder what would happen if i just stopped turning in assignments. if i skipped the quiz on resilience. if i left the answer box blank when asked "how are you?" and let the silence hang like an overdue confession. what if i failed at being a person—would that make me a disaster or just a dropout?

nobody teaches you how to opt out without disappearing. how to say "i don't want to do this anymore" and still be allowed to stay.

so i rebel quietly. i don't raise my hand in class. i turn off my notifications and let the messages pile up like snowfall. i wear the same clothes two days in a row and pretend it's fashion. i stop rehearsing how i sound when i speak. i let my real voice crack in public. nobody notices. or maybe they do, and pretend not to, because noticing would mean admitting we're all a little bit tired, too.

i walk slower now. i answer later. i start choosing things that don't make sense. i cry over songs i don't even like. i stare at the ceiling like it owes me an explanation. i let the dishes sit in the sink. i let myself sit in the mess, too.

some days, i still show up. i still get the gold star. still follow the rubric of being tolerable. but the truth is, i've already dropped out of the human race. i'm auditing now—just here for the metaphors and occasional sunlight. i sit in the back of the lecture hall and write poems in the margins while the world talks over itself.

i'm not asking for help. just.. a recess. a hall pass. a breath that doesn't feel borrowed.

i've always been a good student. but what if i don't want to pass the human test anymore?

what if the real rebellion isn't rage—but rest?

what if my refusal to keep performing is the first honest thing i've done in years?

and what if, after all this, i still get to stay?

even if i never turn in another assignment.

even if i stop pretending i know what being a person is supposed to feel like.

[sleepingrootsinside]

Whatever happens now is not a big deal because soon enough I'll be forgotten about. Please just do me the favor and don't try to dwell in hatred or grief, kay

[kylebitchlovski]

i was gonna spend the rest of the night reading fanfic but ao3 is down for maintenance so i’ve instead been crying laying in a fetal position over my life choices and life plan and how i feel about them

[werecoyotl]

Warmer weather is that time where you have to handle unnecessary comments about your body and it's FRUSTRATING, not just in a way of insecurity- oh no, it's more of

Wow holy shit you pointed something out we already knew, congratulations Captain Fuckin' Obvious, you want a cookie?

[poppy-purpura]

[mikamikacookie]

Ele to the only family he trusts (the gang) only to find out that they're talking shit behind his back and he's finally let out all that anger inside of him (except Alice) and they say every shitty thing to him after an incident where he is the victim:

[midnight-and-his-melodiverse]

Why do I feel like the concept behind Stars, Bits, and Bytes (The AI computer) is not unique... it's seriously giving me second thoughts about continuing the WIP and scrapping it altogether, but give me your thoughts on this!