...And then she broke.
2/14/15
Had a mini nervous breakdown last night. It was such an overwhelming day. It started with having crazy high blood pressure (I am ALWAYS 120/80 even when I am pregnant, surgeries, etc.) this time I was 148/90. Nerves. Then the news of chemo which I joked through the whole meeting but it was my way of dealing with panic. Told I had an 83% survival rate with hormone therapy. Could have a mid-90% survival rate with chemo and hormone therapy. They handed me papers on the drugs and off I went with a 'we'll call you with your first chemo appointment'. And I was good.
I think.
Then I made the mistake of reading the papers. The warnings (all of which list DEATH FIRST... what?! Isn't this supposed to EXTEND my survival rate?!) The list of things it could damage is CRAZY. Organs, eye sight and on and on and on. Was it worth it?
My brain kept telling me like those annoying commercials that list every possible side effect for pharmaceutical products, it was just legalese-speak. But I also wondered if it was worth losing kidneys, lungs, sight or ANYTHING for a few extra years.
Then my heart said YES. That could be the difference of dancing with my son at his wedding. Or seeing my daughter graduate medical school. Or holding my first grandchild. I need to do ANYTHING to be at my kid's life events. Giving birth to my youngest kids I missed my dad. I do not want them missing me.
Then when I thought I could not take anymore, I find out quite innocently that I did not know about a cousin's baptism. There was a save the date on Facebook and text to phones. I did not see the Facebook post (but I never back search missing posts, do you? I just look at the day I am in and I sure as hell did not get a text.) I would have responded.
Supposedly I was not the only one not to get... but it is the same day as my son's sixth b-day party. And finding a date that worked for all on that was hard enough. I just felt awful. I was done.
Then my kids went nuts and I thought I need to go to sleep now before I do something rash. In bed my phone rings. With my brother and friend on the phone, I lost it. I literally had a nervous breakdown. It took all they could do to calm me.
Even strong people have moments of weakness. I do not expect that to be the last one. But as long as I pick myself up, wipe the tears and dust myself off I am good.
