#versa speaks

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i actually never ever want AO3 to be censored bc nothing is more fun than reading the tags on a fic and going “huh. didn’t know there was a market for that.”

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i love that i once again live in a world where there is a show on tv that lets me crush on noah wyle for one hour every week

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more Dad Things that Bruce Wayne definitely does:

makes the kids hold the flashlight when he’s working on the Batmobile and yells at them when they don’t do it right

makes lots of weird gross dad noises (groaning, hacking, etc)

snores like a fucking freight train. like seriously, there should be a noise warning on his bedroom door

snack tax in the car!!! reaches his hand back and does the little grabby thing

“when was the last time you changed your oil”

gives the worst directions

“so you’ll pull out of here and go north about three miles—“ “what the hell are you saying to me”

gets to the airport five hours before the plane takes off (it’s a private plane, it’s not leaving without him)

this is more of a mom thing, but he gasps like he’s just been stabbed when someone wakes him up

*whispering* “B…B…Bruce” “HEUEUH. What.”

Texts “Call me now.” and when the kids do, assuming something horrible has happened, he’s like “what should we eat for dinner tonight.”

on the other hand, he also forgets to tell the kids very important information

“how’s it going, B?” “not much just recovering from my wrist surgery last week” “your WHAT?!”

(that just happened to me. thanks dad)

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Dad Things that I am positive Bruce Wayne does:

watches random Facebook videos at top volume in the living room with no headphones

asks “Who?” after any of his kids mention a friend’s name. bonus points if that friend has been around for like ten years.

“I was talking to Wally and—“ “Who’s that.”

falls asleep watching tv but complains that he was “just resting his eyes” when someone changes the channel

“B, I’m hungry” “Hi, hungry” (classic)

asks “has your car always made that noise?” when riding in his child’s car. also frequently asks if they’ve gotten an oil change recently

calls kids by the wrong name

“Dami-Tim-Ace-JASON”

whines that he doesn’t want a cat in the house but is obsessed with Alfred the Cat and often found taking naps with her on his chest

can parallel park like a mf

tells the same stories over and over, each rendition slightly more exaggerated than the last

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and on a similar note, I don’t think Bruce yells except in very specific situations.

like I don’t think he yells around the house when he’s annoyed or when the kids are pissing him off. he’s more of a lecture guy. so much so that the kids compete every year to see who gets the longest lecture. the winner gets some sort of bat themed merch (it changes every year. last year Duke got a pair of boxers with the bat symbol across the ass)

BUT

when Bruce is scared, he gets loud. He’ll yell about “how could you be so reckless” and how “I need you to be better than this.” It’s how the kids know they’ve really freaked him out.

the first time Dick gets yelled at by Bruce, he’s 10. He was jumping rooftops too fast and slipped. Bruce catches him by the cape, drags him back to the batmobile, and totally dresses him down.

Dick bursts into tears. Not because he’s scared, but because he can feel the fear rolling off Bruce in waves. and it feels so wrong for Bruce to be that scared because he’s The Batman and he’s not supposed to be scared of anything.

anyway. Bruce’s fear is loud.

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my dad says that the worst day of his life was when I was 7 and we were fighting so I screamed that I hated him.

Anyway, imagine Bruce and Dick’s first fight. And Dick is just so angry and he wants to push Bruce away before Bruce can do it to him (or maybe he just wants to piss Bruce off), so he just shouts, “I hate you!”

but he’s not prepared for Bruce to freeze. Then he stares at Dick just long enough for him to feel guilty.

And then Bruce justs bursts into tears.

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jokes aside, i do think that Bruce was the kind of dad who could give his kids The Look tm and they’d quit their shit.

like i think the kids can tell the difference between the look that says “you guys are annoying” and “stop it right the hell now”

i just picture Jason and Dick screwing around at a gala and from across the room, Bruce makes eye contact with them and his face just shifts for the briefest of moments, the Brucie facade dropping for just a second, and they both pout but stop because they don’t want a lecture on the car ride home

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now that i’m a foster parent, the only batfam fic ideas rattling around in my brain are Bruce dealing with the logistics of being a foster parent.

when a kid is brand new to the system, the first thing you have to do are take them to doctors (pediatrician, dentist, eye doctor) which is like objectively a pain in the ass. your case worker and the kid’s social worker stop by one a month each (in theory). Bruce would avoid a lot of court time because Dick is an orphan, but before he adopts Dick, the court is his legal parent. That means everything goes through them: school registration, any hospital visits, anything they deem “in the child’s best interests.”

so like on top of comforting Dick from nightmares, and trying to find foods he’ll actually eat, and remembering how to do 3rd grade math to help with homework:

give me Bruce, who hasn’t stepped foot in a pediatrician’s office since he was 9 thanks to Leslie, sitting in one of those uncomfortable plastic chairs so the doctor can sign off on Dick’s physical. give me Bruce having to carry his letter of placement around with him in case someone accuses him of kidnapping/not having custody of Dick. give me Bruce sitting in orphan’s court with Dick trying to figure out how and when his parent’s inheritance gets disbursed.