Elias
I'm writing this because I have these emotions and I don't know what to do with them except cry but I don't want to be sad forever. Have you ever looked at somebody you didn't know, and thought so soon after, "I'm in love with you"?This time last year (March 2014) I saw the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra play with Zubin Mehta conducting and a bunch of Austrian music (Gil Shaham was playing Korngold Violin Concerto which is why I bought my ticket). I was sitting in the front row right in the center. The bassists were to my left and sitting on the end was a handsome, warm, radiant man. He attracted my eye with his beaming smile which he let show several times throughout the performance. He seemed to be really having fun both playing and performing. I looked at him a lot after I noticed him. I caught him looking at me once, and we both smiled. Then we shared several glances and all we kept doing was smiling at each other. There is something about watching someone do something with such passion and seeing them succeed and how happy they are doing what they love. I guess that's what attracted me most to him. This guy is clearly top tier in bass land and he has made it to the best place he could be, and all he's doing is having FUN and enjoying himself so much. But alas, I went to the backstage exit afterwards and I saw him. Kept wanting to say something but I didn't. Eventually they left, back to Austria and I put my feelings for this man away. I didn't stop thinking about him though. I tried looking everywhere I could for him on the Internet. And I couldn't even be sure of his name. His internet presence is slim, if there is one at all, and what little could be found was too ambiguous. I thought I'd given up. Then I found out Vienna Philharmonic was coming to play at Carnegie in 2015 and I freaked out. I bought a ticket (a little late, I couldn't sit front row or even close) and started my online search for him again. That's right, cue creepy girl stalking. Sure enough, the name that I thought belonged to him did indeed. There was still so little to be found. But Vienna posted two pictures of/with him and put his name in the caption. Well guys, Vienna Phil came and have probably left by now. They played Brahms 3 and 1 on Friday night (I saw 1) and they played Brahms 2 and 4 on Saturday (I saw 4) and they played the German Requiem on Sunday: I bought a ticket for this one.
Friday I went to the second half of the concert because I didn't have a ticket and I saw Brahms Symphony 1. I sat in the first tier in a box across from the bassists for sound purposes (they were seated on the right side this time) with my friend Mike who came. Dario and Aaron also came but they sat elsewhere. He was there, sitting first in the second row of the section. He looked the same. And he was the same. Smiling and laughing with his stand partner both during pieces and not. I instantly felt that warmth that I did when I saw him last year. Nothing changed at all. I didn't get the smile conversation this time though because I wasn't close. We left through the backstage exit at my request but I didn't see him and I didn't know what I would even say so we left and went to Carnegie Deli on 7th ave and 55th St.
Saturday's performance was mostly the same, but we sat in the dress circle, and Dario sat with us. They played Brahms Symphony 4. Afterwards, Mike was dying to have cheesecake again (Friday we got some killer strawberry cheesecake). We took Dario to Carnegie Deli and they got a sandwich and I got some coconut lemon cake. We were sitting at a set of 2-person tables pushed together to make a giant table and sitting next to us was a few people we didn't bother to notice. But we went on with our conversation and I notice a couple people joining the group next to us. I look up just out of random curiosity I guess and who is sitting down but HIM. THE VIENNA PHILHARMONIC BASSIST WHOM I'VE HAD HIDDEN AND CLOSETED LOVE FOR IS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO US. Naturally my eyes get watery and I shed some tears, but I concealed it pretty good. Mike and Dario realized also, but didn't feel what I felt (obviously). But they were both interested for their own reason: three/four Vienna Philharmonic bassists are sitting at a table next to three Mannes College bassists. They kept bantering back and forth about who would be the one to say something to them, meanwhile, he kept turning his head to look at me. He was closest to our group, therefore his back was almost to us because he was looking the opposite direction, at HIS group of friends. But he would turn his head a good 45 degrees and look at me and then look away. Mike noticed too, (so I wasn't even making a big deal out of nothing!) and said he got extremely positive vibes from the guy, and that he either remembered me from last year, or he must have some interest in me now. Finally, Mike said something to them, but the conversation was mostly him and them, and all about bass. Near the end of the conversation though, he said to the guy something along the lines of "my friend here really favors you, in fact she admires you." and all his friends said "ooooh" and started boasting about how he is single. He agreed to take a picture with me before one of us left. I was extremely shy because I had no clue what to do or say without sounding overbearing or freaky as hell (that's all I know how to do). And he didn't really say much to me. But his friends asked my name and then they said, his name is Elias. And made jokes about how our names were siilar. After our conversation sort of fizzled I kept hearing them say my name but they were speaking in German. He turned and looked at me once or twice more. I just smiled at him each time. Then long story short Mike convinced me to give him my phone number. So I wrote my name and number down on a little slip and then we got up to leave, took the picture(s) during which he held me very tight!!!!, and then I sort of just awkwardly handed him the slip and I think his friends kind of chuckled and he seemed kind of shocked by it, and i just said, you don't have to use it, and that was that.
It was dumb, how would he call me? He has an international phone, if he even brought one with him to the country. And he's going back to Austria, what is he gonna do with my phone number? Of course, I just wanted to take him on a date or something. Help him experience America. Just have fun once while he's here and get to know each other. But I never really said that, and how would he know? It's futile because he's leaving and he doesn't even know me. I looked too young too I'm sure. Mike says the way I acted gave away my age, but I didn't know what to do. I've never been at such a loss of words because of a man in my life. I have never been so stunned.
Sunday came, and I had my ticket to this concert for the German Requiem. I was so tired for some reason, and so distracted. I couldn't focus very much, I recorded several bits which also distracted me a bit, but even when I wasn't recording I couldn't focus. I felt this way the first two concerts, but this time it was much more severe. I enjoyed it but I was so distracted that I missed pieces here and there and I hardly can even recall it. I planned to talk to him afterwards. Try and explain how I felt and what I wanted to do. I went back there, and I thought I had the confidence, but instead, when I saw him, I hid in my umbrella and started to walk away. He walked past me with one of the bassists from the night before and I don't think he even saw me. Then he got on a bus, somewhat hurriedly, and that was the end. I didn't explain, I didn't get a chance to actually say anything to him. I was just too scared. He never called me, and obviously he won't.
I am so sad now. Why didn't he call me? He seemed genuinely interested, and I wasn't the only one who thought so. Will I ever even have a chance? What do I do when they come back next year? Am I an absolute freak for feeling so strongly and so down about this? I just feel like he seemed like someone I could genuinely love and the odds of everythign that happened are too crazy to ignore. He kept looking and he even said as I was getting up, "Come on, lets take a picture!!" and he got up immediately. I just want to talk to him. And now i"m starting to cry thinking about it all again.
Now I know his name for sure. And I heard them say it, and he smiled so much and he was so sweet and handsome and gave such positive and sweet vibes. And all I can do is cry because nothing happened and nothing ever will.
