Working On Your Worth Is So Worth IT.
For years I grew a habit of blaming any mood swings, insecurities and low confidence on depression but only recently have I started to connect the dots as to what caused my depression. At eight years old I began to feel abandoned by my own father, I began to feel obsolete and I began to feel like I didn’t belong to any family, community or friend group. My Dad was never one; I learnt that the hard way. I was emotionally neglected by my Dad for my whole life. He would pick and choose when to be his idea of a functioning father but in my eyes he was coming back to let my hopes down again. I became so obsessed with trying to get any sort of attention off my Dad that I couldn’t enjoy most of my childhood because I wasn’t getting what I wanted more than any doll, any toy or any game. All I wanted more than anything was a functioning father.
It took me so long to understand the severity of the damage the emotional neglect had played on my inner child. I felt like an outsider in every walk of life. I felt like anyone including my close friends and family would drop me in a heartbeat. Feeling like you don’t belong anywhere makes you wear yourself as a burden. I did it for so many years, I got it into my head that no one wanted to tolerate the emotional baggage I was holding onto. I wanted to be perceived as fun and careless because I saw people be liked for being that way. The mask I was wearing began to get looser and looser and it wouldn’t stay on no matter how hard I tried. I had too many fears as to what people were saying about me, finding ways to laugh at me and how people truly felt about me. I was careless though. I was careless towards myself, I was careless to think people using my naivety to their advantage was friendship and I was careless to listen to anyone that wasn’t me.
I have always struggled with low self esteem paired with low confidence. I always blamed myself for people rejecting me or abandoning me. The irony of it is that I would push them away with my fear of being abandoned so that it would look like my decision and I could pretend I had the control within the relationship that I never felt I had in my life. I believed that there always had to be someone working harder to maintain a relationship. I never saw myself as equal in any relationship, platonic or otherwise, because I always had to do the most to try to be seen or at least respected. I believed I had to sacrifice more of myself for others that wouldn’t give me a hair off their head, I believed I was below everyone in my life because all I saw when I looked in the mirror was a miserable excuse of a person.
I knew I had to make a change and start experiencing life instead of mindlessessly wandering through it. I started identifying the toxic habits I created for myself and the mind numbingly nasty thought process I constantly bullied myself through. I started to trace back to any negative thoughts and I negotiated a plan of action. When I was alone I would say my negative thoughts out loud in third person so I could fight back and stand up for myself. I was responding to the bully I had listened to for so many years, I was taking my voice back. I was no longer a coward to my own voice. I was fighting for my voice, I was fighting for my value and I was fighting for my life back. My fight had finally begun and I knew I wasn’t losing this round. It took a lot of hard work to start to retrain my brain but I would have done anything. I started ignoring anything that I felt didn’t match my updated state of mind. For so many years I was numb to my own emotions for so many years, as soon as I started to my inner child scream out to be nurtured anything that didn’t nourish me mentally was seen as a waste of time. I began to use my inner monologue in my dialogue to reassure myself and grow more freely, I was becoming my own person.
I stopped going out of my way to gain respect from people who didn’t see me as equal and thrived off my vulnerability. I used the extra kindness I would have used on them on myself, It started to get easier to be kind to myself when I prioritised myself. I stopped carrying myself as a burden. I reached out for any guidance or reassurance I needed to feel better, I must admit that this still is one of the hardest things to do but it always helps me. Once I put myself into the role as leader of my own life everything positive started to follow. I let myself feel everything I had suppressed but I had to cut out the habit of wallowing in my own self pity. Wearing your sadness like a cozy hoodie begins to get too comfortable and easy to grow familiar with but instead wearing everyday you survive, grow stronger and become yourself like badges appreciating how much work you have put in to flaunt them. Go you !!
Say it with me; I am still trying to figure out how to live with my emotional neglect and not just tolerate it, I am still trying to understand myself and my triggers, I am still trying to nurture myself everyday and not just survive. I am not a burden, I am not a pushover and I am not below anyone. I am beautiful, I am smart, I am worthy and I will continue to nurture myself and my inner child for as long as my journey is. I am a holder of great potential and the past has no hold on me. I am my own person and I will continue to be bold, adventurous and charismatic. I am the bearer of great things that I attract into my life.
One person does not define the perception of you and the way you love. Relationships grow with you. The great thing about life is there is so much room for growth and change, you do it every day without realising it. You have the power to start fresh from the moment you wake up. Everyday is a chance to excel and be better than the people that hurt you. Change the cycle and become the person you dreamed the person who hurt you was. Shower yourself with love, with hope and with life. You have made it this far fighting for everything you have. It is now time to retire to the bliss you create around you. You are doing an amazing job, do it for you.
Caoimhe x
