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Shut Up Internet (Part One)

My Grandmother (of Scottish descent) was a bit of a “royal watcher”. I clearly recall her excitement when Prince Charles married Diana Spencer. She even purchased the commemorative plate. And she adored the Queen and all the history attached to that family. I’ve always loved this about her. Knowing she had this interest and it was something that brought her enjoyment adds another level of appreciation for the person who could see right through me and nurtured my sensitive, rambunctious soul.

I wonder, now, what her thoughts would be on recent events surrounding the Royal Family. She always had a compassionate view on life and while I’d like to think I inherited some of that class, I don’t suffer fools very well. I’d love nothing more right now than to sit down with her and a cup a tea and listen to her speak. But that’s not possible, so instead, I’m going to pour a glass of scotch and do what I do well – rip on shitheads.

I Googled myself once. There are A LOT of people with my exact name (including a greatly wanted criminal who messed up airport travel for a while) so it’s easy for me to be on the down-low. And I like it. I’d be a terrible famous person. To have cameras follow me around every time I left my house would be unsettling and expose all my idiocy. I can see the headlines now:

“Julie leaves the gym a hot mess! Does errands! Smells like salty garbage!

Doesn’t seem to care who she offends!”

“Julie screams at other drivers! Like, a lot!”

“Julie trips over an invisible line! Tweaks knee! Cries!”

“Julie punches paparazzo in the face! Kicks another! Threatens to troll a third on Instagram!”

Just take a moment and think about the things you do out of your home on a daily basis and imagine those things being on display for the world, if they care to look. When you go to the grocery store and forget your cloth bag and purchase a plastic one – international incident! Off to the pub two nights in a row for a few pints – crazed alcoholic! Wear yoga pants to the doctor – you’ve given up on life!

Now imagine being a member of the Royal Family.

I believe it is a well-known fact that the media/paparazzi were greatly responsible for the crash that ended the life of Princess Diana. I’m not going to get into the history of that tragedy except to say – the person who learned the most from that was the Queen. After Diana’s death, the Queen failed to properly navigate the tautness between her lack of imagination and her staunch need for tradition when failing to recognize that this death impacted the world and was not just a family matter. And the public let her know they were unhappy. She has since embraced some flexibility and understanding, which she proved in how swiftly she dealt with Prince Harry’s request to step back from royal duties.

Let’s get to the point….

The majority of us are free to live our lives with a minimal amount of scarring scrutiny. My cat, who often sees me foraging through the fridge and eating like a bear from a trash can while standing in the kitchen arguing with myself, isn’t judgemental about all the strange things she witnesses me do. Only when it comes to my unwillingness to keep her dish completely full at all times and sharing my bacon.

We are not followed by cameras. People probably are not publishing stories about us and then providing spaces for total strangers to make callous remarks about our appearance or life decisions. Most of us will never understand venom on that level.

When it came out that Prince Harry and his wife Meagan Markle wanted to leave royal life for a much more peaceful existence together while raising their son, I for one applauded the bravery. Going up against the Queen (your Grandmother) and her deep-rooted love of tradition and facing tremendous backlash from royal-watching zealots could not have been an easy decision to make. But I felt this difficult choice was made not only as a young loving couple but also as adoring parents wanting the best life for their family. So, imagine my absolute repulsion when people, upon hearing the news, pulled out their freshly sharpened talons and started ripping apart Meagan Markle and essentially blaming her for “Yoko-Ono-ing” the royal family.

What the actual fuck is wrong with people? And I don’t ask that as a rhetorical question.

Technology has given all the dimwitted, sad-sack shit stains of the world a global platform in which to exercise their right to be heard. It truly is a shame that an IQ test isn’t required to log onto the internet. But maybe I’m the tool. Totally possible because I fail to understand the desire… the need… the moral audacity of people wanting to take to their keyboards so they can insult, shame and judge those in the public eye. And do not give me the “well they need to get thicker skin if they want to be famous as intense criticism comes with that life” spiel because that is merely defending a bullying culture.

I blame the media A LOT. The calibre of writing and the content of reporting is being sacrificed for sensationalism and “clicks”. Catering to the lowest level of human being doesn’t make you cool and an industry titan. It makes you a scumbag. The “journalism” community should be embarrassed. And those who are not apart of this circus sideshow should be using their talents to expose and dismantle these hacks.

There are many ways to express your possible dislike… or unappreciation of people and their choices. It doesn’t have to be cruel or intended to cause serious emotional harm. Because let’s face it, we are all armed with an OPINION ABOUT EVERYTHING. My favourite is humour because not only does it require intelligence to execute correctly, it also requires intelligence to realize when you’ve been slammed in style. And that is why Mariah Carey never gets my jokes about her.

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