Please do not read if mention of cancer, death, depression and anxiety are sensitive topics.
Not that anyone noticed (but if you did, thanks, you're the MVP), I've been M.I.A for the past 2/3 months (maybe more...).
But here's why. Since the second week of January and to be very particular, since the 9th of January, my life went tits up.
Once again, if mentions of depression, anxiety, grief and death could trigger you, you still have time to exit.
Now that the warnings are out the way, here's what's up.
By the end of December, I decided that it was time for me to live my life again. What I mean by that is, for the past few years, it felt like I was just cruising through life, not really living it. My mother was extremely sick and I had to take care of her. Honestly, I'm glad I did, but that shit was time consuming and it burnt through my energy and will to live like nobody else's business.
Anyway, I decided to go to therapy to deal with whatever bullshit and better myself. 2020 was going to be MY year. Besides therapy, I started to be financially responsible. And I feel like every time someone starts to do something good for themselves, life is just like "haha, bitch you though".
So, January 2020 rolls in. I'm hyped as FUCK! I'm listening to Ciara "Level up", determined to live my best life. The first week was fine. Dare I say, it was fabulous.
I reconnected with an old flame and things were looking up in the romance department. I was learning what boundaries were and trying to implement that in my life. Work was okay. I mean, like I said, I was a 1000% sure 2020 was my year.
By the second week of January, shit hit the fan! Just thinking about it, I'm anxious laughing and I wanna yeet myself out the window, but let's power through it anyways.
Monday 6th, I got a call while I was at work (I think it was my father but not sure). My mother was going to be moved to ICU because one of her lungs collapsed. Quick background story. My mother has battle cancer for 26 years, but last year, it invaded her lungs and brain. She got treatment and we were a little hopeful. But like I said, Life has a bitter sense of humor.
So, I got a call. By the time I got home, the ambulance was there and my mother was being taken away.
When I got to the clinic, a lot of people were already there. After a lot of scans and whatever, I talked to the doctor and guess what he said. Well, if you guessed "there is nothing much we can do", you guessed right. So, yes, the doctor basically told me my mother was dying and they were keeping here just to help her alleviate the pain.
I don't really remember the times I visited her, except for two visits.
Once, she gathered me and my two older brothers to make sure we weren't fighting anymore. (I had some issues with my middle brother).
The second time, she begged me to take her home, but I couldn't do much, so I'll let you guess how I felt after that.
So three days later, she came back home. I didn't recognize my mother anymore. She was so thin and weak. She couldn't even speak or eat. This lasted almost 10 days... And then, she passed.
Once again, I was at work when my aunt called me crying, telling me my mother wasn't feeling alright. Right away I knew what was going on. One of my coworkers drove me home.
By the time I got there, she was already dead. No matter how prepared you think you are for these moments, it's never enough, trust me. It was as if someone slapped me.
When I came into the room, my mother was gone. Her hands were cold and she wasn't breathing anymore. The light of my life was no longer.
She was buried the next day.
Since then, I'm trying to find a new meaning to my life, but it felt (still feels sometimes) very empty.
I won't say it was a dark time, but it was. Depression hit me like a ton of bricks and let's not talk about anxiety. I avoided my phone because I was scared of it. Everytime it rang, I felt like I was about to throw up.
Allegedly, depression can mess up your immune system. I think it's true. I haven't been truly sick in the past 5 years, but the week following my mother's passing, I got a lung infection (v funny) and 3 weeks later, I had a really bad case of the flu. So bad, my father was about to force me to get tested just in case Auntie Rona decided to pay me a visit.
In the meantime, I managed to start a relationship (if we can call what I was in a relationship... lol). At first, it was good, so good, but then, it quickly hit the wall. The relationship just slowly faded. A lot of other things happened, but I'm going to keep that to myself for now....
If you made it all the way to the end. Thanks. And that's about it. I'm doing a lot better. Sometimes, I still feel like going to sleep and never waking up, but hey, one day at a time, amirite?!
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