The Onion explains why so many Americans hate LeBron James:
-Skills second only to Kobe, touch second only to Bird, vision second only to Magic, and strength second only to Russell; therefore, pretty much a worthless second-rater
-Was supposed to be the next Jordan, but chose friendship over a monomaniacal obsession with winning bordering on mental illness
-Does this really annoying thing where he isn’t always playing on Team USA and is instead playing for the Heat so then you have to root against him
-Significant percentage of sports fans are jealous of his high school diploma
-Abandoned and gave up on Cleveland, albeit decades after the rest of us did
-Makes us feel guilty for never doing anything to make Cleveland better ourselves
-Dunked over the pope at last year’s St. Peter’s Basketbasilica Jamfest, even though the game was already out of hand
-Televising The Decision repelled and frightened the American public, most of whom have spent their whole lives trying to avoid making decisions
-Basically, it’s easier not to really think about it
I’d also like to add to this list:
-His receding hairline, besides being an easy target for crappy jokes, reminds us that even LeBron James has to deal with the inevitability of aging and the resultant loss of hair follicles.
-He is an African-American millionaire; that’s more than enough to piss some (racist) people off.
-He hasn’t cheated on his fiance (that we know of), been busted for drugs, been busted for anything, and he has yet to get fat or lazy during the off-season. Most Americans like a flaw-laden superstar along the lines of Shaq.
-He has two capital letters in his first name. Outrageous!
-He reads popular twee novels before and after games. Literacy pisses a lot of illiterate people off.
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