Millenium Narcissism @aforkstuckintheroad - Tumblr Blog

Posts

It's been a while, reading the things I wrote on here, not a lot has changed but a lot has changed. From that last sentence, at least we can establish that my writing has not changed as much, it's just as dramatic.

Some things are different - I am heading to graduate school and I am moving out of my parents home. God, I am so stressed. I procrastinated hard on a lot of really important things and now I feel so behind on everything and the program hasn't even begun yet. I am already playing catch-up.

My life is taking a drastic and dramatic turn. I quit my job a while ago, and since then I've pretty much been at home and in my room. I wrote a post on here previously about how much I love my room most of the time - and yeah, safe to say, it was not that romantic to be stuck in it without purpose or any semblance of meaning for almost two years. My life keeps taking these big turns - that's how 20s go I suppose? One day you're in college, the next you're out and working, then next you're lost and unemployed, the next you're moving countries for grad school. Relatively, these are pretty normal experiences, nothing out of the ordinary, in fact quite privileged in having access to these experiences. Except my stomach hurts all the time and so does my head. This rapid change of scenery over and over again - the adjustment, the departure, the re-adjustment - I can't breathe when I sit and think about it. So I've stopped sitting to think. Now I only feel stress and anxiety. I don't feel sadness, I don't feel excitement. The stress and anxiety have taken over all my feelings. And the guilt for feeling even these two, given all the privilege, will not even let me feel the stress and anxiety in peace - that's an oxymoron, but you know what I mean? I hope you do. I find solace only in the fact that I am not alone, and people out there understand. I feel alone, in my house, with my friends sometimes. But there are people out there. There's always somebody on Reddit going through the same thing as you. So there's that. Everything just feels like a lot of work, and I do not know how to put in the work. I honestly and plainly - do not want to. I have not found anything yet that makes me feel like I would want to put in that work. Maybe all of this will change in grad school, maybe being back in school will turn my life around. But as I've often seen quoted online - you can run away to a different place, but you can't escape yourself. I hope I do better, I want to do better. But as I sit and write this instead of updating my resume and applying for the on-campus job that I really want - I do not know if I will be any better. The job applications and the housing process is really very deeply stressing me out and I leave in 2 weeks. I just want to get there and start my life. But if I'm not able to put in the pre-start work for my life, will I be able to do it once it all starts full swing?

Therapy was barely helpful with my tasks, what is wrong with my brain? I've just started reading Atomic Habits finally, after seeing it everywhere. Yes I am scared to admit that I am reading a self-help book. I guess it's an indication to how desperate I am to change my life. I cannot miss out on opportunities anymore because of my inability to do tasks! It is excruciating. I absolutely cannot do a single task to save my life right away, quite literally. Even if my life depended on it, I would procrastinate for days and days. Like getting my stomach checked out - because it hurts all the time. There's some hypochondria at play there too though, and my sedentary lifestyle is largely to blame. But still, what if there was a real problem there? I refuse to take any action?

I have no control over myself and my body, and thus there is no me and there is no I. It is just an entity, operating at it's own instinctive will. The writer of this, is just a little part that exists somewhere within this entity, but in no way or form can take claim of forming the entire entity. Because the writer has very little actual control over the entity. That is how I feel. Best, the 5% of the entity

Life seems to be all about money and love. Now I know this may not be true for everybody, but as I sit down to write my college essays- I can’t seem to find a genuine bone in my body.

It’s the weekend. I haven’t had much work since Friday. Actually none at all. Except one task- that I’ve been too busy to do before this. I haven’t had the time because I was busy with my job, before that I was busy completing my fellowship, before that I was busy dealing with the whole pandemic situation, and before that I was busy with my undergraduate classes. This weekend though, I’ve been completely free. To be honest with you, I spent most of Friday crying. Don’t ask me what about. Just life I guess. But today, sunday evening- I feel a strange form of contentness within my body. I switched off my phone last night- I haven’t switched it back on since. I watched 4 spider-man movies- Tom Holland and Zendaya, Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone.

I haven’t completed my task yet. The college essay.

You know, in the midst of all this- that I’ve been doing and feeling this weekend- the days have been beautiful. The sun has been bright, and the silence of winter has set in. There’s no whirring of the fan or the grumble of the air conditioner. I can only hear faint distant sounds. My neighbour closing a door somewhere, and a generator quietly working in the distance. Sometimes a plane passes by and you can hear it clearly.

I’m home alone right now, my parents have gone out. When they come back it’ll be noisy again. I won’t be able to hear these things over the sound of my mother taking off her shoes, opening her closet, opening the door to the bathroom, the water running and their volatile conversations. It’s tough to apprehend when a small political disagreement will turn into an argument about household chores and savings. Suddenly the entire house is in turmoil and we’re retracing every single mistake that has ever been made.

But right now, it’s silent and I can hear myself. When anybody is around, in proximity- it becomes tough to hear myself and remember who I am.

I know, I took sociology classes. There isn’t really one self. You have many- the person you are with your friends changes from the person you are with, I don’t know, the rest of the world,

My mother is back- she’s talking about how cold it is and I can’t really hear myself anymore.

I’ve changed. I’m not the same as I was a few minutes ago. What is different? I don’t know. I’m a bit annoyed, agitated, anxious.

When it’s just me all alone, I feel like I’m in space. I feel like I’m- well I don’t know how to explain it but I’m hoping you have felt this too and can recognize the feeling. It is just the best feeling in the world. Maybe if I close my bedroom door, I’ll be able to feel that way again, now that my parents are home.

Well I’ve really lost the gist, haven’t I? But this is how fast your life changes I guess. One second you’re sitting alone in your house feeling so calm and appreciative of your surroundings. The next second, the doorbell rings and everything feels like its been jerked back and forth. You’re different again. On the front stage.

But it’s okay. Sustaining this, giving yourself the strength to sustain this, is what life is.

My father is in overdrive- I can sense his energy. He asks me if he looks young and fit still, he says the wrinkles on his face are because of the immense stress that he’s facing. This instantly changes something in me. My calm, my patience are affected and move into turmoil. It feels like a storm in my chest. Well, not quite as dramatic. I’m not having a panic attack or anything, I just feel uneasy. This feeling of uneasiness once it catches you becomes hard to shake. It’s a feeling you can’t easily forget I suppose. Nowadays, it makes me want to cry. Like I did with my uneasiness when I was a child.

The pandemic has really changed us, changed the world. We’re all connected in being affected by it. In varying degrees, but still.

My bedroom, has always been there for me. When nobody’s home- it feels like the safest place. But then again, on some days it really doesn’t. On some days, the walls of my room feel like my worst enemy. They feel like they’re closing in on me. But this weekend, hasn’t been like that. I feel good in my room- in the winter lighting and silence.

I’ve been able to watch the moon rise through the iron rails of my window. It looks like nothing short of the storybook pictures we’ve seen of the moon in a purple sky, above the trees. And that brings me comfort.

Earlier this evening, when the sky was a light blue and orange- a flock of birds flew past and over the trees. It was another comforting visual- I can’t say why.

Probably because of all the paintings, movies, photos, animations I’ve seen as I’ve grown up. It’s always been a calming visual. So I’ve been conditioned to feel, I guess?

I could break down the colours and the psychology- but does it do me any good? To break out of that illusion of calmness? It’ll just stir things up in me and that can’t be who I authentically am when I’m alone. I can’t be riled up on a beautifull day about absolutely nothing.

There’s a lot wrong with this world and sometimes it’s really difficult to find peace and quiet. Genuine peace and quiet, on the inside. Am I starting to sound like Sadhguru? I’m sorry. Why are all godmen MEN though? Will it be revolutionary for feminism if I tried this field out?

Anyway, the world can really be an overwhelming place for all your senses. Maybe you are just your physical body since the mind just plays tricks and convinces you of illusions.

Just your physical body and your senses. If I pay attention- my ears feel rested, my eyes are tired, my nose is blocked slightly but working well, my mouth tastes like chocolate and my fingers connected to this laptop are moving on their own really. I’ve learnt the keys of the computer. It’s like an extension of me. Which is, sad? good? bad? Maybe we don’t need moral connotations for everything and things are just things.

I think I’m a misanthrope? Just temporarily, just for now I will use this big, heavy word to describe myself. Because at the moment, thinking about other people- and the world outside is agitating. Maybe movies and books and stories have broken me- things so often fall into place or go all wrong but yet fall into place quickly- by the time the story ends. Anna dies but it’s okay, things go on. Life is so much longer than a movie or a book. Reality is just incredibly different.

Life just keeps continuing and continuing and continuing. Not everything always falls into place. But what is falling out of place in the first place? Is it losing all your money? Losing everyone you love? These things happen quite often to people- they’re not rare at all. People lose their peace, some aren’t even born with any.

I should be grateful. I should use my peace, channel it into work. But I just want to stay comfortable, cozy for sometime.

I don’t want any more discomfort. And everything outside these walls, seems to be it.

I realise that this would have been a frustrating ordeal for you and it was in no way my intention to worry you further. I admit that I had been lazy and not as proactive as I should have been, and I'm really sorry. I want to explain to you why this was the case. It has become much clearer to me now that I look back at the situation. As you already know due to the long phone conversations and lectures I compelled you to give to me at the time, I was feeling overwhelmed, overburdened and confused. In retrospect, though there was not much to be confused about, I somewhat understand why I felt that way. I am indecisive not because I do not know what I want, but because I tend to doubt the decisions I take. This stems from self-doubt, a characteristic I seem to have had for the longest time, even when I was in junior school. I do not know why. I do know that other people do not feel the weight of this natural human instinct as much as I do, because I have seen people just as skilled as me- sometimes less- (especially these past two years in college) confidently barge ahead despite their ineptitude in certain fields. Yet, this self criticism has also kept me from having an egomaniacal and inflated sense of self-worth, it has always made me want to put my best foot forward and often pushed me to re-evaluate my priorities and beliefs. It becomes problematic only when due to the fear of not putting my best foot forward, I retreat and instead take a step back into my comfort zone, which is what happens to me often. This, combined with my utter lack of motivation at times (which also I cannot explain), makes me a person without any concrete goals and knowledge. And believing that I am a demotivated, goal-less, unknowledgeable individual in a world that thrives on these characteristics, is a serious dip in the graph of my self esteem. I try to constantly remind myself that I am only 20 years old and have a lifetime to learn to become the bright and sharp person I would like to be. As long as I remember to keep learning and growing. But at the same time, it also feels like time and these moments are passing by faster than I can process them, and that 20 is suddenly too old an age. I guess it all depends on the day, your overall positive or negative mood, and the vantage point you choose. I don't think it is possible for human beings to be entirely self aware and always know what is good for them. Though in retrospect the correct choice may seem to be a simple one, in that particular point in time things are not always as clear and it is possible for very natural human flaws to bog you down. I think one can only learn from their past experiences and make better decisions the next time around. Wow, this wasn't meant to be so sappy and dramatic. But I am going to continue writing, because I do not want my voice of self criticism to get the best of me again. And also because I am finding this beneficial for my own mental acuity.

best laid plans sometimes are just a one night stand

Residing in Blue

I miss high school, and everything feeling far away.

I miss the warmth, though I remember it being cold on some days.

I am not original, though the pattern of the pieces I have arranged may be unique.

How does it matter? I am only one of billions, and we are one of trillions.

These fleeting emotions and this fleeting pain,

I felt it even yesterday.

And forgot about it all day today.

It comes and goes, it feels like a nuisance.

Today, I am embracing it.

Not trying so hard to understand it, or recall its origin.

Not trying to suppress it, or make it go away.

I will just sit here and breathe,

Like the billions and trillions do,

everyday.

danielodowd-deactivated20170124

aforkstuckintheroad

that’s my mind

i miss the sound of my laughter i heard when i was with you

love letter

I don’t think anybody else here misses you the way I do. In distance, you are miles away and in time, days have passed since I last felt you. But I saw you just yesterday, right as I slipped into a deep sleep. I tried to feel the way I did the last time we were together. I imagined being engulfed by your warmth again. The way you made me feel after a bad night, after hearing screaming voices for too long, is something I crave. I could walk through the gates, see you standing right there like you did everyday- tall and sturdy with your peach skin and feel a wave of comfort course through my body. You were my safe haven, a place where everything would eventually be okay. But slowly our time together began to decrease. I began counting down the days to when I would see you last with a heart heavier than my body. And when it was finally time to “say goodbye”, I did not cry. Counting down days, I was preparing myself emotionally for some tears to shed. They never came. I don’t think I realised what had happened until I lay in my bed that night. I didn’t fully realise how much I would miss you, till I was the only one missing you and the way you made me feel.

sometimes it becomes difficult to carry around the words that i wish to say but do not. they have found their permanent home on my shoulders and travel into my mind as they desire. their origin dates back to from as long as i can remember. six years old and being told by my mother, “do not say things like that!” perhaps, for what was my own good. she wanted me to be happy, she wanted me to have friends. likability to us is so important. so i kept everything that risked my likability inside. my biggest fear was loneliness. these words collected and collected- from the boys i liked to the popular friends i feared. and now they simply sit with me as i momentarily live in what could have been.

on some days the air tastes sweet. it feels like a hug from an old friend i genuinely love. it sounds like a melody moulded from the sweetest of songs i have heard. it smells like my mothers cooking on a rainy day and it shows me some of the most beautiful things that i do not notice on other days. sometimes however, it feels like a tonne of bricks on my shoulders, pushing down my spine as i walk back home. it tastes bitter, like charred food. it sounds like the cries and screams of little children who have been wronged for no fault of theirs. it smells like a house burning down, taking with it all that was held dear. and i can see nothing but sorrow in the eyes of those i pass by. weighed down, by the very same air. and all i wish for is to stop breathing, if only until the air tastes sweet again.

wnq-writers

I can’t explain why or how it happens, some days I just wake up and I cannot find myself. Im not even sure where I go, I retreat so far inside my own head.

Lacee Rains (via wnq-writers)