wish I was death

this account was made in order to vent, so there is obviously a huge TW ! ;-;

[myblissfulsuicide]

Do you ever get overwhelming urges to be devastatingly self-destructive? Because fuck.

[aichiline]

oh jee it describes my whole life

[aichiline]

I need your advice/point of view on some stuff please

guys I know I’m saying deep shit about depression and panic attacks but I’m not even diagnosed with any of those; I don’t even know if I’ve already had a real panic attack.

I mean I think I had one once (I was crying and feeling like I wasnt in control of anything and my heart was beating so hard that I couldn’t even breath correctly) but is that really what a panic attack feels like ? Or this one was just a huge one ?

It’s hard for me to make myself clear since my English isn’t perfect and all but, what I want to say is ; when my heart is beating loud with no reason, when I’m shaking a bit and I feel like I’m gonna cry/feel « out of the situation I was in before » (like I’m hanging out with my friends and all of a sudden I start feeling bad and worthless etc), is that a kind of panic attack ?

I’m confused, I already feel like I’m faking depression because I wasn’t even diagnosed with it, so I need to know if I’m actually allowed to talk about panic attacks ;-;

[aichiline]

I don’t know why it’s that easy to write about suicide and self harm and that hard to say it out loud. My mouth refuses to say those words, and I have to find alternative words like wow

[aichiline]

Is 980 calories a day too much ?

[aichiline]

My life can be resumed by looking for another way to destroy my body and my soul more and more because I fucking want to show myself that I deserve it.

[aichiline]

im so fucking hairy what the actual fuck

And gosh call me weirdo but I love my cuts and my bandages

[worthlessghost-deactivated20210]

Holy random panic attack

[aichiline]

Am I the only one here who feels so fucking bad and depressed for weeks but as soon as I seek for help by taking an appointment with a therapist, my brain acts like everything is okay and I was just faking it all along ?

Like dude make a choice, don’t switch between those two states uuuurgh

[aichiline]

I don’t give a fuck about my life and mental health anymore. You know what ? I consider myself depressed even though I didn’t get the chance to go to therapy.

I consider that the will to end my life every fucking day, to think about crossing the road while it’s not my turn in order to get run over, that this fucking desire to worsen my life more and more is enough to tell that yes, I’m depressed. Or at least something is not okay with my mental health.

I say fuck to all those people who told me I didn’t need one, because guys what do you want me to do ? To end up at hospital after another suicide attempt ? To prove you I’m fucking suicidal ?

I feel like nobody gives a fuck, nobody trusts me when I tell them I want to end my life.

I got to a party last Thursday, and because I was on benzos (which I stole from someone who didn’t use them at all, lmao no I don’t have the chance to get them another way) and I drank alcohol I got pretty anxious and had several panic attacks.

Thanks god there were my friends. I was pretty talkative about my mental health this night, which I’m not used to at all. I told them I tried to kill myself 2 or 3 weeks ago, that I continued self harming and that I felt like I’m not worth living and I don’t deserve them.

Do you know what they told me one or two hours ago ?

“You were pretty annoying during this party”

Annoying.

I confessed my thoughts, I told you I fucking tried to kill myself, I begged you to take away my blades because I wanted to stop all that shit. And you tell me I’m annoying ?

Do you have any idea of how hurtful it is ? I don’t tell anybody anything because I’m afraid of not being taken seriously. I don’t tell anybody because I’m afraid of being judged and I don’t want them to think I’m begging for attention.

But this happened. They told me I was annoying, for confessing about how bad I’m feeling lately. They told me that, knowing I was having a lot of panic attacks this night.

And I’m annoying ?

I don’t want to tell them anything again. Because I thought they were my friends. I thought they’d understand and trust me when I tell them I’m constantly in pain.

I’m trying my best to push away the attention people want to give me because I consider my problems are not worth talking about. I’m here for those people, I’m here to help. I don’t bring ANY judgement for anything they tell me.

And I’m annoying.

I’m annoying when I’m being sincere. So you know what ? Fuck it. Fuck. It. I won’t tell you when I’m feeling bad, when I’m having suicidal crisis. Because I know you’re lying when you tell me you care and you’re here for me.

I don’t trust you anymore when you tell me tell me to come at you and say thing out loud when I’m feeling bad.

Because when I do,

I’m annoying.

(Sorry it might sounds a bit crazy or anything, I’m not asking for any help here, and I swear I’m grateful to you people who send me messages to make sure I’m okay. I don’t trust people anymore, I don’t trust anybody else but myself.

I’m here if you want to talk, because I want to be helpful if I can be. But I don’t want any help. This post is because I need to vent, and I prefer venting here than doing any other stupid shit)

[aichiline]

The fuck when you stop counting your days clean because you don’t give a fuck anymore.

[aichiline]

It feels so weird to take medicine to heal yourself after using it to do the exact opposite.

[aichiline]

I want to die so hard. I wish my body wasn’t that strong or my mind that weak.

[aichiline]

Oopsie it didn’t work I’m still alive

[aichiline]

TW ! Suicide

I tried to overdose but I don’t know if I want to live or die right now

My family would probably blame themselves and gosh I’m the only one fucked up don’t worry guys it’s not your fault, that’s me the selfish and awful person here

My head is feeling kinda weird right now but if it’s too late, at least I won’t suffer anymore because of my mind fucking me up

[aichiline]

Me feeling relatively happy for 2/3 weeks : oh my god I’m not sick anymore it’s crazy I definitely don’t need any help !

Me relapsing and realizing every shit in her life is her fault but she just doesn’t want to admit it : I guess it’s time to worsen my mood by liking some suicidal and self harm posts on Tumblr ! :D

After all my psychiatrist told me I wasn’t sick u know

[aichiline]

I feel lonely even though I know there are those people loving me.

[aichiline]

I tried to convince myself I’m feeling better. But that’s a lie, I’m not feeling at all.