A Journal To My Journey

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I feel anxiety I feel it all within me I feel fatigue Used to be off and on, but recently and continuously started to feel daily. I feel lost Wanted to love, wanted to please, wanted to give you my all, and wanted to give you what you need. But what about me? I feel like i am struggling. Like being sucked into quick sand i am reaching for someone’s hand, but no ones reaching... back. I feel silenced I kept everything quiet. Every time i say it every time i speak about it; i get overwhelmed and tired. My energy slips away fast as a road runner, i so remain silent. I feel sick Headaches from having a chaotic mind. Twisted knots in my stomach. Taking weeks to recover. The several aspects of depression. It’s not easy to start this discussion. For years this has been one of many aspects of my inner expression. I have hardly admit or confronted into any intention. But i think it’s time now. So here it is... I am a victim of depression. One step from healing Another step from living.

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Why do we rely so much on that green paper? Because relying on that green paper we tend to forget what’s most important... is to rely on each other. Capitalism and Communism destroy what really matters... humanity. We allowed that green paper destroy the sight of reality. We lack trust within ourselves and towards others. Nothing becomes natural anymore. I even ask myself why do i even bother? We believe we’re on top of the world and coming together. When that green paper consistently comes in stacks. But once that green paper is gone; constantly being taking out of your hands; greediness comes along easily stabbing each other in the back. All of sudden no love selfishness comes along. Each person that was so close to you before begins to fade. You pause and realize abusing this green paper was all wrong. Diamond from the Players Club recites “you make the money, don’t let the money make you.” That beautiful green paper has got you blind sided. Faith and love is what we need to believe is what we need to do.

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I shy away what begins to feel surreal.. No games no rules Just you and me... us. Skin to skin My breath has been taking from just one touch. Every inch of your fingers tells me what you want. My mind has been blocked. With no hesitations my body say YES!! To what you want. My neck has been kissed Body is tense from 10 to 3 Wanting you from 10 to 20 Try to tame the urge, but i can't resist from all your aggressive and sensual kisses. I am your canvas... use your lips and hands to paint the actual shape of my body. I can't bare, but to let you have me.

[ajournaltomyjourney-blog]

Fear of love

Have you ever wanted to be committed but was afraid at the same time?

To be in love like it’s poetry; you know like the ones that rhyme?

The fear of love to me is just as bad as having a fear of failing.

Everyday i have a moment when i sit back contemplating... through my mind, body, and soul.

Too afraid to manifest or even set it as a future goal.

One of the worst things to have happen to you is loving too hard for someone as their love for you continues to fade.

That can have your life under a dark cloud that’s in the darkest shade.

After too many disappointments and heartbreak 808’s; within this society they expect you to leave your heart out as bait.

People ask for too much and things they can’t handle.

Which causes more drama maybe even a scandal.

I don’t want to have the fear of love...

I want that chance to feel it as i float high up to the skies above.

Share memories, to embrace, to laugh to cry..... I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF SAYING GOODBYES!

I want to be open i really do but the fear in my heart holds me back it’s too heavy to choose.

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How would you want to be loved you asked? A love that can give me a natural high. Less thinking more of a feeling... Each time we kiss i float. The way we would make love, i escape. When i breakdown, you will pick up the pieces. I feel safe. We inhale then exhale as the sun rises and when the sunsets. Your eyes gaze at me... allowing you to see what you believe is beautiful, inside and out. We are our home and shelter. I want to take care of you as you would take care of me. You!... actually listen. You give me my wants and needs. I lay on your chest... my ear to your chest... i hear how our heart connects, beating to one drum. To one sound. We would have our own ways of saying the 3 words every human being in this earth wants to hear.... daily. Organic, natural, connected, communication, fight, strong, laugh, smile, cry, fun, responsible, strive, change, live, be, work, strength, peace, passion, spontaneity, open, and the words can just keep going... As i close my eyes, i have a visual of that love. As i see it, i start to feel that love. I... deserve that love. I have faith in that love. As i open my eyes, i smile. Knowing it’s out there. And i look forward to meeting him. With no hesitations, i will go for it.

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I Am That Moment.... I am that moment that makes your dark cloudy days into sunshine. I am that moment that allows you to open your eyes so won’t stay blind. I am that moment that will have you dance and vibe to rhythm and blues. I am that moment you look into my eyes you will fall in love without having a clue. I am that moment to let your arms out spin around and just be free. I am that moment for you... to have a friend in need. I am that moment that would love to be inspired by your goals and desires. I am that moment that will set your soul on fire. Allowing you to be inspired by me... I am that moment by one kiss chills to the top of your spine all the way down to an arousing feeling. I am that moment as we continue to kiss you won’t be resisting. I am that moment that will allow you to open up and try new things. I am that moment that make you enjoy all the seasons not just Spring. I am that moment that lets you live your life through positive affirmations. I am that moment to tell you... “this is your life; you should live it with no hesitations.” Written: by yours truly Sketch Artist: anonymous 🤘🏽

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I have a story behind these freckles and these dough brown eyes. When you look into my eyes you would be able to read my story. As you read you would connect. No mask blocking these words. Just you seeing me.... See people get distracted by the beauty of my freckles not allowing themselves to see right through me. Don’t just judge what you see. Take the time to see... now just be. Vibe with me as you read my story.

Now... did you enjoy what you read? No words came out of my mouth nothing was said. Because I wanted you to connect... with me. I would hope you can relate to my authenticity. No fakeness or complications here, just me and my brown dough eyes reciting what’s real about... Me.

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Have you ever dreamed of floating on top of the ocean? As you float, allowing the wind brush you away from the shore. Your body balances on top of the waves. Massaging the back of your body. Your arms are straight out. Head back, and you look up at the clear blue skies. You continue to float hearing the winds whistle and the waves clashing. The waves glide you towards the sunset. The temperature of the water changes your blood flow which changes your mental note. Your mind is less chaotic. Inner peace was given to me. I had an epiphany... this dream that was given to me is a message. The sunset is the light at the end of the tunnel. The ocean is my journey. I float to survive. If I sink I fail. If I swim I fight. This dream that I kept having became a reminder on how to live my life. To me, to float means to balance. To sink could mean a distraction. So distracted it throws off your balance. Which allows you to sink. It’s up to you on how big this distraction could be. Or how it affects your life. You have a choice. Sink or swim. The deeper I sink my life would become darker. But, you ask yourself why sink deeper when I can swim and live in the light. I choose to swim. In the beginning it gets hard. But, I keep going. I continue to swim so I can go back to floating towards the sunset. When I have this dream, there are moments when I float and only floating. And then there are times when I sink deep down into the ocean. Going further and further down. Even feeling lost willing to give up allowing the ocean to take my breath away. But, every time I sink I keep seeing the light. So I see myself swimming... and swimming. I tend to see myself dreaming more then sinking or floating. And it gets tiring. But I strive for that inner peace. So I keep swimming. This dream has happened a plethora of times in my life. I didn’t understand why... until now. Our dreams is our messages and our reminders of our lives. If it continues to happen or extend pay attention. One of my everyday aspects in life; and in this order; is to strive, to have peace, and to have balance. And I will have that. I believe it. And I see it. I am swimming now... but one day I will float towards the sunset. Peace and Blessings ✌🏽❤️

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Looking at this video made me cry…. I had a similar experience with my current relationship. Only thing is I didn’t set him free I was heart broken when we broke up. I needed to watch this video. Letting him go was hard, but as each day went by I begin to believe why it happen. I tried to point out all the negative things because of a broken heart. But to be real I knew he was a great man, just probably not the great man for me. It wasn’t easy to accept that. But I do now. Love is such a beautiful thing… Sometimes you have to sacrifice or to let go what we love to continue to make it beautiful the way it is. And allow someone to appreciate what it deserves. I’m not saying we don’t deserve beautiful love… But, know that the love you will receive in your life will be just as great. Maybe even better. And to know that what you experienced could be a great memory or a great lesson.

Let love be…

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Heart broken again… So much pain into my beating heart. Became numb from this pain Hopeless romantic cursed by love. All she wants is to be loved and to love… you. Easy to set a belief of love for others, but of course for you it’s “difficult” or “too hard” Those words I tend to hear while we break up. Tears running down my face as I hear you say “I need some space.” I have heard those words so many times, but when you said it my heart literally cracked down the middle. Decision has been made. My guard comes right back up. But, this time it feels a lot stronger than what it was before. I’m not sure if my heart can bare another heart break. I will miss your touch as it gave me chills from head to toe. Your kisses…(exhale) the feeling of butterflies literally flying inside me. The way you looked at me. Your expression through your eyes… your soul existed through them. Being held by you allowed me to be safe… for once. I would crave your energy. Wanting it to surround me always. You would sing I would connect. You spit poetry… I would float as you recite. I can go on about the love that I experienced with you. As I think of what I call now “things” my heart continues to suffer. I am not even sure I would ever get that back… again. But I guess this is the end. This hopeless romantic will only see and give love to others. But allowing love for her to have love within her… will be unknown.

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What better love

What better love… Than to have true love What better love… Than to have unconditional love What better love… Than to have that “in love” What better love… Than to have that good vibe love What better love… Than to have that intimate love What better love… Than to have that “love jones” love What better love… Than to have that family love What better love… Than to have that friendship love What better love… Than to have that “one love” What better love… Than to have just… love Or to just be… loved. We all experienced it, We all live in it, We all believe in it, Well all want it, We all need it, We all…. (exhale) deserve it. Love is one of the best feelings you can have. One of the best ways to express it. There’s no perfect way to show it, To be it, To feel it, Just live in it… Continue to believe it, Continue to have faith in it… As humans, love is in all of our hearts. So, Let’s stay connected and do our part. Because what better love than to have just that. You tell me…

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It's crazy how you can find signs/messages from the most simplest places... ❤ #truth #lifestyle #facts #selfimprovement #livelife #liveauthentic #liveinthemoment #changeisgood #changeyourlife #fashionad #ellemagazine #lydiako #rolexad #inspirationalquotes #dailymotivation #goodvibesonly

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Giving you hip gypsy style. 😏#ootd I have a closing shift at work today. Wanted to be #causal and comfortable but of course with style. Photo cred: my lil bro ❤ #womenswear #casualstyle #tomboy #tomboystyle #gypsysoul #vibe #liveinthemoment #liveauthentic #livelovelife #livelife #fashionista #mixedgirl #model #blogger #lifestyle #naturalbeauty #publicfigure #womensfashion #styling #chameleon #goodvibesonly #unique #justme #myjourney #fashionstatement #fashion

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Definitely feeling my #ootd ❤ just giving you a modern 80's style. Thanks to listening to @tribecalledquestt in the morning their station on @theofficialpandora inspired me today!! One love ✌🏽❤ #fashionista #80sfashion #tomboy #tomboystyle #tomboyfashion #liveinthemoment #livelife #liveauthentic #tribecalledquest #publicfigure #fashion #womensfashion #livethroughfashion #blogger #lifestyle #expressyourself #myvibe #mood #flygirl #model #fashionstatement #androgynousstyle #justme #mixedgirl #blackgirlsrock #naturalbeauty (at Inglewood, California)

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To be natural is to be free To be free allows yourself to live and breathe… within yourself. To connect and appreciate my own natural beauty was one of the hardest things for me. I really believed it wasn’t easy. But, it was easy to pull a facade. I actually made people believe I had the confidence; I didn’t. I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. I believe for all women it takes time for us to see and believe what we really have. How beautiful we really are. How much power we have…. soul, mind, and body. It took me until 30 years of age to finally see what I am capable of. Being naked can represent so many things. These photos represent every bit of me. If you really observe you can see or maybe even feel every emotion and every adjective. “You have no flaws. There is no such thing in a world where no one is perfect.” my cousin said to me. Her words helped me appreciate every part of me. Being naked was a relief. A breath of fresh air. I felt beautiful. I felt connected with Mother Earth. I felt connected within myself. I embraced every part of my body. I felt sexy, vulnerable, strong, free… I felt alive. What every women should feel on the daily. To embrace and love thyself, to me, is one of the greatest most beautiful feelings any women can experience. I’m so glad I did it. Women… Embrace your curves Embrace that Apple booty Embrace the shape of your breast Embrace the way your back curves Embrace your skin Embrace the texture of your hair Embrace every single feature Try to connect. Once you do that, your confidence will rise. These photos makes my heart smile. I look forward to more adventures and goals to accomplish. Journey continues….

Thank you to ddcphotography and to my dear friend/sister Shayla Monique (make up artist) for doing this. You guys are a blessing. Much love to you always ❤

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I get vulnerable I get emotional I am woman I am human I use to beat myself up once I will show my side of vulnerability. I use to believe it was a sign of weakness. Which allowed people to take advantage or I allowed them to get to me. There are times when I let it affect me. In a way when I can hardly breathe. But as I got older I began to believe that being vulnerable is not as bad as it was before. It use to always bring me down, so down that I will fall into depression… daily. Today… at the age of 30; I believed it changed. Now of course, I still have work to do. But, who doesn’t? Each day I learned to accept my vulnerability and how emotional I can be. Shit, I use to think it was a serious problem. But to be real… it’s not. As we all know when shit happens in our lives consistently and it builds up you will blow up! You may even feel you have walked in this dark cave trying to find that light. That exit. But as you walk it gets darker and you get tired to the point you slipped over a cliff. Your holding on strongly onto the end of that cliff. Your hands start to slip. You began to believe that you are going to loose your strength. But you can’t let that happen. That at the end of the cave is calling. As many of times I had my moments I still hear a voice within me saying “you still need to live”; “don’t allow yourself to fall; "you are stronger than you think”. There were times that I could of fallen… but I didn’t. After being vulnerable, for some reason I tend to just get up and just keep pushing. I will always find a way to get back on my feet. It might not be where I want it to be, but I do it. I know deep down I am a strong woman, but this strong woman will allow herself to be vulnerable. I believe at the end it’s worth it. As humans we know life is fucking hard! There’s only so much we can do. But, I have to remind myself don’t give up or take advantage of excuses. I believe once you have your moment of vulnerability and then you get back up from it that is one of the qualities of building your strength. And once you realize how strong you are it will allow yourself to make anything happen. As humans we have that capability….

[ajournaltomyjourney-blog]

3 definitions of free-form - not organized or planned in a conventional way. - encouraged to function or evolve without advance planning spontaneous. - without restrictions or preconceptions.

Each and everyone of these statements gives the best description of why I decided to free-form loc my hair. I guess I see why they called it free-form locs. How it started with me… I didn’t even know my hair was locking up. I thought my hair was getting knotted. I combed it out, even cut off some of the knots. It’s crazy that this was happening. Around this time I was thinking about getting dreadlocks. I just wasn’t sure if I was ready to lock everything up. What motivated me was a video of this woman named Taren Guy. She basically, gave a visual of her journey as she was free-form locking her own hair. And as you can see it inspired me. It was a beautiful story. I needed to see a woman who had a similar looked of me to describe what’s it like. This was also, around the time when my boyfriend and I; who also has dreads; started dating. But, it’s different with him because it’s apart of his culture. He had dreads since he was a kid. His culture is Jamaican American; religion Rastafarian… In his culture dreads; especially in the modern times; it represents a political statement. A representation of a free, alternative or natural spirit. The way he expressed his story and journey gave me courage. Which is why it’s one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. ❤ When it comes to free-form locs I saw that it started with men. And then women came later within the years. I believe it’s not easy, especially in this society for women to be free with their own hair. We were told that we need to look a certain way just to look beautiful. To be natural and free with our own hair can be a difficult situation. I began to believe it’s one of the reason why I decided to loc my hair. To be free from what the society think is “beautiful” can be a way of what the band Magic would say, "baby let your hair dooowwwn” (*singing*) I see it as a little taste of freedom… Free from depression, free from the past, free from insecurities, free from how the society treat black women; free from being mixed, free from being just a woman. Just once I would like to just be with my own hair. This is my way of doing that. I was told growing locs is a way of locking up memories. I had a past just like every human being. Each day I have let go of that past. It’s been about about 7 months now when I started to free-form loc my hair. And the memories that I have locked up so far have been pretty awesome. I look forward to them growing longer and maybe bigger to build more memories. And to continue to live through natural beauty. Journey continues….