♡ knitting ♡ gardening ♡ poisoning ♡

Forget that last one. I'm Alain Johann Perenelle, one day I met a monster, and eleven years later he ruined my life.

[russellsshattereddreams]

@alainssweaters is your poison tasting job still open?

[alainssweaters]

Oh, always. So long as no eldritch being cares about your well being. You also can’t be a personification of one of the seven deadly sins. Basically, don’t be related in some way shape or form to the Elric/Hohenheim bloodline and it’s fine. 

[lucysorchard]

I fit that description!

[alainssweaters]

Hilarious, Lucy. Don’t be ridiculous, you’re not testing my poisons.

[lucysorchard]

But if, and this is a big if, I did perhaps try your poisons, I would fit your description for the job

[alainssweaters]

You certainly do. But due to the gargantuan nature of that if, you will never be trying my poisons. So it’s a nonstarter. 

[lucysorchard]

[alainssweaters]

Lucy, last I checked you are not immortal nor invulnerable. Has that changed? And, on top of that, why would you want to try my poisons?

[lucysorchard]

Midlife crisis

[alainssweaters]

Not much of a midlife crisis if you die. Anything specific troubling you? We are friends, you know.

[lucysorchard]

Well, the weed farm didn’t work out so that’s a bit of a bummer. Figured I might as well work for a friend, you know? Besides, I doubt you’d give me anything seriously lethal. Maybe just a tad bit lethal, perhaps.

I just... miss Isla and the kids, that’s all. And came to a realization that I’ve spent most of my life on that farm, toiling away at the soil. Is there anything wrong with looking for a slight change?

[alainssweaters]

...The weed farm.

No okay, moving on from that, I’ll focus on the more important bits. 

I didn’t get to talk with you, after you died. I don’t understand exactly why you came back, as you mention your family. But I do understand change, and no, there’s nothing wrong with seeking difference in monotony. Sampling poisons is a... Concerning change, for a mortal person. ...And probably any person. 

Lucy, I promised I would be more honest with you. I am not an empathetic man. If you were another person, I would take you up on your offer without hesitation. As it is, you’re my friend. You’re going to have to really sell me on this, if you’re sure this is the kind of change of pace you want.

[russellsshattereddreams]

@alainssweaters is your poison tasting job still open?

[alainssweaters]

Oh, always. So long as no eldritch being cares about your well being. You also can’t be a personification of one of the seven deadly sins. Basically, don’t be related in some way shape or form to the Elric/Hohenheim bloodline and it’s fine. 

[lucysorchard]

I fit that description!

[alainssweaters]

Hilarious, Lucy. Don’t be ridiculous, you’re not testing my poisons.

[lucysorchard]

But if, and this is a big if, I did perhaps try your poisons, I would fit your description for the job

[alainssweaters]

You certainly do. But due to the gargantuan nature of that if, you will never be trying my poisons. So it’s a nonstarter. 

[lucysorchard]

[alainssweaters]

Lucy, last I checked you are not immortal nor invulnerable. Has that changed? And, on top of that, why would you want to try my poisons?

[lucysorchard]

Midlife crisis

[alainssweaters]

Not much of a midlife crisis if you die. Anything specific troubling you? We are friends, you know.

[russellsshattereddreams]

@alainssweaters is your poison tasting job still open?

[alainssweaters]

Oh, always. So long as no eldritch being cares about your well being. You also can’t be a personification of one of the seven deadly sins. Basically, don’t be related in some way shape or form to the Elric/Hohenheim bloodline and it’s fine. 

[lucysorchard]

I fit that description!

[alainssweaters]

Hilarious, Lucy. Don’t be ridiculous, you’re not testing my poisons.

[lucysorchard]

But if, and this is a big if, I did perhaps try your poisons, I would fit your description for the job

[alainssweaters]

You certainly do. But due to the gargantuan nature of that if, you will never be trying my poisons. So it’s a nonstarter. 

[lucysorchard]

[alainssweaters]

Lucy, last I checked you are not immortal nor invulnerable. Has that changed? And, on top of that, why would you want to try my poisons?

[russellsshattereddreams]

@alainssweaters is your poison tasting job still open?

[alainssweaters]

Oh, always. So long as no eldritch being cares about your well being. You also can’t be a personification of one of the seven deadly sins. Basically, don’t be related in some way shape or form to the Elric/Hohenheim bloodline and it’s fine. 

[lucysorchard]

I fit that description!

[alainssweaters]

Hilarious, Lucy. Don’t be ridiculous, you’re not testing my poisons.

[lucysorchard]

But if, and this is a big if, I did perhaps try your poisons, I would fit your description for the job

[alainssweaters]

You certainly do. But due to the gargantuan nature of that if, you will never be trying my poisons. So it’s a nonstarter. 

[russellsshattereddreams]

@alainssweaters is your poison tasting job still open?

[alainssweaters]

Oh, always. So long as no eldritch being cares about your well being. You also can’t be a personification of one of the seven deadly sins. Basically, don’t be related in some way shape or form to the Elric/Hohenheim bloodline and it’s fine. 

[lucysorchard]

I fit that description!

[alainssweaters]

Hilarious, Lucy. Don’t be ridiculous, you’re not testing my poisons.

[russellsshattereddreams]

@alainssweaters is your poison tasting job still open?

[alainssweaters]

Oh, always. So long as no eldritch being cares about your well being. You also can’t be a personification of one of the seven deadly sins. Basically, don’t be related in some way shape or form to the Elric/Hohenheim bloodline and it’s fine. 

[alainssweaters]

Good news, Lucy’s alive and she raided your closet

...

You couldn’t have made a more ridiculous claim, honestly. It doesn’t make sense. You understand that Lucy’s family all died, this was her chance to rejoin them. Why would she return to our mortal coil, hm? 

I suppose I’ll see for myself.

@lucysorchard

[alainssweaters]

no promises of her being dead but she took a walk and got absolutely 100% Fucked Over

Alright, I’m putting these teleportation powers to use. She’s too trusting, too careless- Damn it Lucy. Please be okay.

[alainssweaters]

[Lucy is not okay.]

[alainssweaters]

[There’s blood, streaked across the ground, and in a large pool under Lucy. She’s lying face down. He looks down at the blood, knowing well enough that she is not alive. So much blood- There’s no possibility, for her to be alive. His hands are curled tightly in fists.] 

Quiet, Johanna. [He loosens his hands, crouching beside her. She has a bullet wound, close to her heart. So her attacker was likely skilled, or simply in close range. He looks over the surrounding spatters, stands and walks to the beginning of the trail. Without his realizing it his hand had gone to his chest, gripping his shirt tightly.] Sunflower, don’t- [”That wasn’t me.” She says quietly, her voice shaky and miserable.] ... [He supposes he’d have to come to terms with his own response to this at some point. But not now. Even if moments swirl through his head, smiles, laughter.] 

...

You know, she’s probably with her family, Johanna. She’s going to be happy with them. [Johanna is silent.] It would be cruel of us to ask her to come back. Very selfish. [He is nothing if not selfish.] 

...

Let’s think it over, while we find the common criminal who robbed and killed our dear friend. 

[alainssweaters]

no promises of her being dead but she took a walk and got absolutely 100% Fucked Over

Alright, I’m putting these teleportation powers to use. She’s too trusting, too careless- Damn it Lucy. Please be okay.

[alainssweaters]

[Lucy is not okay.]

[alainssweaters]

no promises of her being dead but she took a walk and got absolutely 100% Fucked Over

Alright, I’m putting these teleportation powers to use. She’s too trusting, too careless- Damn it Lucy. Please be okay.

[alainssweaters]

hey dude I think your friend is dead, sorry for your loss

...Excuse me?

Friend, friend...

No, you don’t mean Lucy, do you?

[alainssweaters]

Saying quips into the mirror isn’t working, what am I going to insult? My impeccable style? Fantastic taste in men? Dedication to cooking? My encyclopedic like knowledge of poisons?

I need to find someone to insult. Someone fun to insult, not a depressed bastard who won’t give me any push back. …Hrm…

[alainssweaters]

@hohenheimsstone

Are you done being young yet? 

[hohenheimsstone]

Who exactly is this guy anyway. Why is he speaking in my general direction.

…

I’ll ignore him, hopefully he goes away.

[alainssweaters]

So that’s a no?? Okay. Damn. Anyone want to volunteer themselves for a verbal ass-kicking? No sad sacks.

[wrathswrath]

I believe you rang?

I’m always up for a verbal spar. The mind is a weapon, just as much so as the body; it’s good to stay in practice.

[alainssweaters]

Oh wow, it’s the president of the world’s most pointless circle! No really, it’s an honor, ~your excellency~.

I had some semblance of respect for this country’s pawn leader at one point, but now… How does it feel to be reduced to a joke? 

[wrathswrath]

I must admit, the loss of my purpose and the loss of respect towards my station and I is rather unpleasant.

However, regardless of my own personal feelings about my existence or the feelings of others towards myself, the nation must be led. It is the one duty assigned to me by my father that still exists from his… change. How could I refuse it?

[alainssweaters]

That’s right, how could you! That would require a spine, or some semblance of autonomy, after all. It might be a little late in life for you to learn such skills. 

Speaking of late in life, your long and purposeless career really has taken it’s tole on your appearance. You look decrepit, and that’s coming from a man turning four hundred and nineteen this year. 

You made it sound like this would be a little more tit for tat, King. Are your regular spars usually this one sided?

[wrathswrath]

To be frank? Yes. Though, I must admit my usual spar is more of a physical type than a mental one. And I usually never lose.

I have never claimed to be able to win any beauty contests, nor am I interested in the vanity of those that regard physical beauty to be of any particular use. I am a military man, and if I am to be seen as rugged from my service then so be it. My wife cares for me, no matter my looks. That is enough for me.

And you are correct. More so than you could possibly know. I hardly have ever had a true choice of my own in my life, or even the possibility of free will. I do not know what it is like to live without orders; I do not know how to even begin to try. To be called free… that’s hardly the right word for the situation. I’m more shackled by freedom than I ever was by my directives.

[alainssweaters]

Well just so you know, you’re not doing very well right now. Distracted, King? Are your wits not about you?

Hmm. I’ll concede that appearance isn’t the most important trait a person has, but if you think it doesn’t have any sort of use, you’re deluding yourself. Or perhaps just ignorant. Not sure which I have more disdain for. 

I know enough, Bradley. About you and the rest of the high ranking officers in Amestris’ military. All in Theo’s pocket, all hanging off his coattails. It’s really rather pathetic, but I suppose if things had gone according to plan, I would have been in a similar position. What a relief, to not be lumped in with such terrible company. Is freedom that extensively foreign to you? Do you really have no desires?

[wrathswrath]

I’mma be real with you, chief, I’m high as fuck right now. So, I imagine that fact isn’t lending my debate skills any credit.

And you truly are a fool if you lump me in with those peons. I serve a purpose, unlike those pathetic frauds that cling to my father for promises of immortality. They were something I suffered out of necessity before Father changed, but now? They are utterly useless, and I would gladly be rid of them if it weren’t for Father.

Freedom is a foreign thing to me; the only freedom I have been afforded has been the ability to choose my wife. Ever since I was born, I have been given order after order. I strived to excell, because I could not afford to fail. Perhaps that drive is why I alone was chosen.

I have no desires beyond what I am ordered; I am a weapon, and a effective one, at that.

[alainssweaters]

Wow, that was a rollercoaster to listen to. It’s a little late for you to be having a midlife crisis Bradley. What, are you going to go buy a ridiculously expensive car next? 

No, but, forget that for a moment. Quips and burns and whatever. I don’t think I understood before, but now. Are you one of Theo’s kids? You keep saying “Father” so I’m assuming... But that doesn’t make sense, you age, you even said yourself that you were born. What the fuck?

And why does he have to have so many kids! It’s ridiculous! 

[evanheereswriting]

[Evan looks at the note he’d scrawled onto his hand, and then at the door. Yep, this is the place.]

[He walks right in, not bothering to be subtle as he closes the door. He starts exploring the apartment, looking through the pantry and things of the like.]

@alainssweaters

[alainssweaters]

Oh, look, another home invader. 

[The abrupt entrance had startled Alain. He was going to need to invest in locks. And remember to lock his doors. …. No, too much work. He’s just going to stab this guy.] 

[He grabs a stowed knife from beside the kitchenette’s entrance, then points it at Evan.] 

Before I start cutting you apart, you’re not like… Some sort of eldritch being, or a homunculus, are you? If you don’t tell me before I stab you, it’s entrapment.

[evanheereswriting]

Jesus fuck!! [He launches the thing in his hands in Alain’s general direction, which just so happens to be a small jar of cinnamon. He takes a second to catch his breath and process what had been said to him.]

No, I am not, thank goodness– imagine a permanent existence; isn’t it the most heartbreaking thing you’ve ever heard of? I have to pity anyone forced to continue on for even a day, let alone a century, for millennia. Humans as a species, including myself, are the absolute worst of the worst, and each and every one of us deserves to burn in a unique Hell specially tuned to what it is we despised most on our time on Earth, and just when we get used to the torture, have it flipped on us to something else we hate.

Wait, what was happening.

Right, yes, right– I would hold off on the stabbing if I were you, I am quite close to the homunculus Pride, and he would be very upset if I died again, especially given the circumstances.

[alainssweaters]

[Alain scrambles to catch the cinnamon tossed his way. It bounces in his hands, the catch made more difficult by the knife. He still manages to get it steady, and sighs with relief.] Hey, be careful. It’s very rude to break things in a house that isn’t yours. [He sets the jar down on the counter.]

And can you shut up? I didn’t ask for a crash course on your personal philosophy, I just want to make sure I can gut you. Not to say that I will. You’re very presumptuous, who says I plan to kill you? There are plenty of nonlethal ways for me to introduce you to this lovely blade.

…

“Quite close” how, exactly? And why should I care? And why are you here, for that matter!

[evanheereswriting]

The details are none of your business, but he said that I could stay here until we’ve recovered my records.

Even if you didn’t kill me, he would still be very upset with you for hurting me. At least, I certainly hope he would be– he was certainly upset with me in the past for the same. And with others, many times resulting in their disappearances. If not that, then other traumas that left them in terrible, terrible condition. Pride is quite impressive, isn’t he? Very powerful, very thoughtful. It’s an excellent combination for me, and not so much for most other people, which makes it an even better combination for me.

[alainssweaters]

……… [Alain mutters some old curses under his breath.] He’s presumptuous then too. And you’re an idiot, the details are entirely my business, this is my apartment. You better sort yourself out, I don’t take kindly to rude guests- uninvited guests, no matter who looms over their shoulder to make threats. Though he’s very capable, I’m fine with playing the odds against Pride if it means catharsis through shutting you up.  

[evanheereswriting]

Believe me, if I was at personal liberty to explain to you every intimate detail about my relationship with Pride, I absolutely would. It is what brings me the most- er, right, you are holding a knife. But know that I am more important to him than you must be for him to have referred me. Really, he must think very highly of you for him to recommend I be anywhere near you– I only recently met Envy and Greed, and I’ve known him since the late 1700s. Technically I have also met Wrath, but only because Pride told me he was Fuhrer, and of course any leader of the country is an automatic enemy of mine. As such, I have filed six hundred and forty three complaints about him already. 

Anyways, anyways, the honour of meeting you is mine, since you are clearly a person of importance to Pride. Not as important as I am to him, but to be considered highly by him at all puts us in a league of our own.

[alainssweaters]

…You’re very strange. [But flattery, even weird flattery, is effective against Alain. He lowers the knife slightly.] If anyone’s capable of annoying the Furhrer to death, you seem like a worthy candidate to the task. Godspeed. 

If you’re so honored to meet me, do you think you’re capable of following some ground rules? Such as knocking before entering my home out of the blue. 

[evanheereswriting]

…Right. This makes sense. [He takes note of the knife lowering and decides that it’s a good time to go back to being bold.] Unless, of course, you wanted to let me stay here. I mean, I will be investing in a typewriter– aren’t they amazing? Imagine, not having to hand-write every word- yes, right, I have a point. My point was… [He thinks for a moment.] Right! I’m getting a typewriter, but other than that, I have no possessions other than the clothes on my back. When I get a sword, that will be part of my outfit and does not count. But yes, I will take the floor, if you would let me– it is cold outside this time of year.

[He thinks again, for another second.] Not to say that I couldn’t knock, if you wanted me to, if you were to allow me to live here. I fear I’ve lost my train of thought. What is yours?

[alainssweaters]

It’s less like you have a train of thought and more like you’ve tied several horses together in a formation that’s completely the opposite of sensible, then screamed ‘giddyup’ at the top of your lungs.

[After that slick burn Alain is quiet for a moment, looking disgruntled and thoughtful. He rolls his head from side to side then sighs.] …How long would you be staying? And what’s your pain tolerance, and your general physical health? I take rent in the form of money, or poison testings. I’m assuming you don’t have money. Of course you could ask Pride to pay, I’m fine with that. But I don’t run a charity.

[evanheereswriting]

I mean, if we’re going with that type of metaphor, it’s more like the wind blew open the corral gate and all of my horses are escaping, and other peoples’ horses from neighbouring corrals whose gates have also blown open are entering, while I stand watching, completely aghast. I do not know what is happening and I also don’t know which horses are mine, and which ones aren’t. I am a terrible stablehand and I never should have been left alone with these horses.

I am not sure, exactly. We are working almost tirelessly to reopen my bank account, but before we can do that, I need identification. There were no cars or licences in my time, so I do not have of those. We’re trying to re-access my birth certificate, but without threatening with violence. I am of the belief that it would be bad for Pride’s mental health right now. I don’t suppose you’d take an I.O.U.? After I regain my certificate, I’ll be able to access my old novel manuscripts, revise them, and start selling them again. I was quite popular in my time– in fact, we can walk by the house I had when I died, if you wanted. They hate me there. I see no reason why that should change, and if you wanted, I’d even house you in an even nicer and bigger house than the Coxes. [He rolls his eyes.] 

[alainssweaters]

[He snickers at the extended metaphor. It feels slightly like a betrayal of himself, to even moderately enjoy anything the home invader says, but he decides to ignore that and enjoy the imagery of it.] 

You say so many words, so very frequently. I just noticed that none of them have been your name. I’m Alain Perenelle, if you didn’t know that already. Just by the way.

I don’t exactly know what you’re offering in regards to housing, but don’t bother really. My boyfriend runs the shadow government, I think my financial issues are safely behind me. Should the worst come to pass I’ll just move in with him. Hm. With that in mind I suppose I can just... Go stay with him if you end up getting too annoying. So. I’m fine with taking an I.O.U., in this situation. I do have a few conditions you’ll need to follow while you stay here, however. 

[He sets down the knife on the counter and picks up the cinnamon, putting it back in its proper place.] I don’t care if you rummage, but put things back where you find them. Don’t break anything. Don’t eat any of the plants I’m growing. If you find something that looks like it’s supposed to be hidden, don’t rummage through it and put it back where it was. ...I think that should be all. But if I see fit to add more rules, I will. Sound fair?

[evanheereswriting]

[Evan looks at the note he’d scrawled onto his hand, and then at the door. Yep, this is the place.]

[He walks right in, not bothering to be subtle as he closes the door. He starts exploring the apartment, looking through the pantry and things of the like.]

@alainssweaters

[alainssweaters]

Oh, look, another home invader. 

[The abrupt entrance had startled Alain. He was going to need to invest in locks. And remember to lock his doors. …. No, too much work. He’s just going to stab this guy.] 

[He grabs a stowed knife from beside the kitchenette’s entrance, then points it at Evan.] 

Before I start cutting you apart, you’re not like… Some sort of eldritch being, or a homunculus, are you? If you don’t tell me before I stab you, it’s entrapment.

[evanheereswriting]

Jesus fuck!! [He launches the thing in his hands in Alain’s general direction, which just so happens to be a small jar of cinnamon. He takes a second to catch his breath and process what had been said to him.]

No, I am not, thank goodness– imagine a permanent existence; isn’t it the most heartbreaking thing you’ve ever heard of? I have to pity anyone forced to continue on for even a day, let alone a century, for millennia. Humans as a species, including myself, are the absolute worst of the worst, and each and every one of us deserves to burn in a unique Hell specially tuned to what it is we despised most on our time on Earth, and just when we get used to the torture, have it flipped on us to something else we hate.

Wait, what was happening.

Right, yes, right– I would hold off on the stabbing if I were you, I am quite close to the homunculus Pride, and he would be very upset if I died again, especially given the circumstances.

[alainssweaters]

[Alain scrambles to catch the cinnamon tossed his way. It bounces in his hands, the catch made more difficult by the knife. He still manages to get it steady, and sighs with relief.] Hey, be careful. It’s very rude to break things in a house that isn’t yours. [He sets the jar down on the counter.]

And can you shut up? I didn’t ask for a crash course on your personal philosophy, I just want to make sure I can gut you. Not to say that I will. You’re very presumptuous, who says I plan to kill you? There are plenty of nonlethal ways for me to introduce you to this lovely blade.

…

“Quite close” how, exactly? And why should I care? And why are you here, for that matter!

[evanheereswriting]

The details are none of your business, but he said that I could stay here until we’ve recovered my records.

Even if you didn’t kill me, he would still be very upset with you for hurting me. At least, I certainly hope he would be– he was certainly upset with me in the past for the same. And with others, many times resulting in their disappearances. If not that, then other traumas that left them in terrible, terrible condition. Pride is quite impressive, isn’t he? Very powerful, very thoughtful. It’s an excellent combination for me, and not so much for most other people, which makes it an even better combination for me.

[alainssweaters]

……… [Alain mutters some old curses under his breath.] He’s presumptuous then too. And you’re an idiot, the details are entirely my business, this is my apartment. You better sort yourself out, I don’t take kindly to rude guests- uninvited guests, no matter who looms over their shoulder to make threats. Though he’s very capable, I’m fine with playing the odds against Pride if it means catharsis through shutting you up.  

[evanheereswriting]

Believe me, if I was at personal liberty to explain to you every intimate detail about my relationship with Pride, I absolutely would. It is what brings me the most- er, right, you are holding a knife. But know that I am more important to him than you must be for him to have referred me. Really, he must think very highly of you for him to recommend I be anywhere near you– I only recently met Envy and Greed, and I’ve known him since the late 1700s. Technically I have also met Wrath, but only because Pride told me he was Fuhrer, and of course any leader of the country is an automatic enemy of mine. As such, I have filed six hundred and forty three complaints about him already. 

Anyways, anyways, the honour of meeting you is mine, since you are clearly a person of importance to Pride. Not as important as I am to him, but to be considered highly by him at all puts us in a league of our own.

[alainssweaters]

…You’re very strange. [But flattery, even weird flattery, is effective against Alain. He lowers the knife slightly.] If anyone’s capable of annoying the Furhrer to death, you seem like a worthy candidate to the task. Godspeed. 

If you’re so honored to meet me, do you think you’re capable of following some ground rules? Such as knocking before entering my home out of the blue. 

[evanheereswriting]

…Right. This makes sense. [He takes note of the knife lowering and decides that it’s a good time to go back to being bold.] Unless, of course, you wanted to let me stay here. I mean, I will be investing in a typewriter– aren’t they amazing? Imagine, not having to hand-write every word- yes, right, I have a point. My point was… [He thinks for a moment.] Right! I’m getting a typewriter, but other than that, I have no possessions other than the clothes on my back. When I get a sword, that will be part of my outfit and does not count. But yes, I will take the floor, if you would let me– it is cold outside this time of year.

[He thinks again, for another second.] Not to say that I couldn’t knock, if you wanted me to, if you were to allow me to live here. I fear I’ve lost my train of thought. What is yours?

[alainssweaters]

It’s less like you have a train of thought and more like you’ve tied several horses together in a formation that’s completely the opposite of sensible, then screamed ‘giddyup’ at the top of your lungs.

[After that slick burn Alain is quiet for a moment, looking disgruntled and thoughtful. He rolls his head from side to side then sighs.] ...How long would you be staying? And what’s your pain tolerance, and your general physical health? I take rent in the form of money, or poison testings. I’m assuming you don’t have money. Of course you could ask Pride to pay, I’m fine with that. But I don’t run a charity.

[evanheereswriting]

[Evan looks at the note he’d scrawled onto his hand, and then at the door. Yep, this is the place.]

[He walks right in, not bothering to be subtle as he closes the door. He starts exploring the apartment, looking through the pantry and things of the like.]

@alainssweaters

[alainssweaters]

Oh, look, another home invader. 

[The abrupt entrance had startled Alain. He was going to need to invest in locks. And remember to lock his doors. …. No, too much work. He’s just going to stab this guy.] 

[He grabs a stowed knife from beside the kitchenette’s entrance, then points it at Evan.] 

Before I start cutting you apart, you’re not like… Some sort of eldritch being, or a homunculus, are you? If you don’t tell me before I stab you, it’s entrapment.

[evanheereswriting]

Jesus fuck!! [He launches the thing in his hands in Alain’s general direction, which just so happens to be a small jar of cinnamon. He takes a second to catch his breath and process what had been said to him.]

No, I am not, thank goodness– imagine a permanent existence; isn’t it the most heartbreaking thing you’ve ever heard of? I have to pity anyone forced to continue on for even a day, let alone a century, for millennia. Humans as a species, including myself, are the absolute worst of the worst, and each and every one of us deserves to burn in a unique Hell specially tuned to what it is we despised most on our time on Earth, and just when we get used to the torture, have it flipped on us to something else we hate.

Wait, what was happening.

Right, yes, right– I would hold off on the stabbing if I were you, I am quite close to the homunculus Pride, and he would be very upset if I died again, especially given the circumstances.

[alainssweaters]

[Alain scrambles to catch the cinnamon tossed his way. It bounces in his hands, the catch made more difficult by the knife. He still manages to get it steady, and sighs with relief.] Hey, be careful. It’s very rude to break things in a house that isn’t yours. [He sets the jar down on the counter.]

And can you shut up? I didn’t ask for a crash course on your personal philosophy, I just want to make sure I can gut you. Not to say that I will. You’re very presumptuous, who says I plan to kill you? There are plenty of nonlethal ways for me to introduce you to this lovely blade.

…

“Quite close” how, exactly? And why should I care? And why are you here, for that matter!

[evanheereswriting]

The details are none of your business, but he said that I could stay here until we’ve recovered my records.

Even if you didn’t kill me, he would still be very upset with you for hurting me. At least, I certainly hope he would be– he was certainly upset with me in the past for the same. And with others, many times resulting in their disappearances. If not that, then other traumas that left them in terrible, terrible condition. Pride is quite impressive, isn’t he? Very powerful, very thoughtful. It’s an excellent combination for me, and not so much for most other people, which makes it an even better combination for me.

[alainssweaters]

……… [Alain mutters some old curses under his breath.] He’s presumptuous then too. And you’re an idiot, the details are entirely my business, this is my apartment. You better sort yourself out, I don’t take kindly to rude guests- uninvited guests, no matter who looms over their shoulder to make threats. Though he’s very capable, I’m fine with playing the odds against Pride if it means catharsis through shutting you up.  

[evanheereswriting]

Believe me, if I was at personal liberty to explain to you every intimate detail about my relationship with Pride, I absolutely would. It is what brings me the most- er, right, you are holding a knife. But know that I am more important to him than you must be for him to have referred me. Really, he must think very highly of you for him to recommend I be anywhere near you– I only recently met Envy and Greed, and I’ve known him since the late 1700s. Technically I have also met Wrath, but only because Pride told me he was Fuhrer, and of course any leader of the country is an automatic enemy of mine. As such, I have filed six hundred and forty three complaints about him already. 

Anyways, anyways, the honour of meeting you is mine, since you are clearly a person of importance to Pride. Not as important as I am to him, but to be considered highly by him at all puts us in a league of our own.

[alainssweaters]

...You’re very strange. [But flattery, even weird flattery, is effective against Alain. He lowers the knife slightly.] If anyone’s capable of annoying the Furhrer to death, you seem like a worthy candidate to the task. Godspeed. 

If you’re so honored to meet me, do you think you’re capable of following some ground rules? Such as knocking before entering my home out of the blue. 

[alainssweaters]

Saying quips into the mirror isn’t working, what am I going to insult? My impeccable style? Fantastic taste in men? Dedication to cooking? My encyclopedic like knowledge of poisons?

I need to find someone to insult. Someone fun to insult, not a depressed bastard who won’t give me any push back. …Hrm…

[alainssweaters]

@hohenheimsstone

Are you done being young yet? 

[hohenheimsstone]

Who exactly is this guy anyway. Why is he speaking in my general direction.

…

I’ll ignore him, hopefully he goes away.

[alainssweaters]

So that’s a no?? Okay. Damn. Anyone want to volunteer themselves for a verbal ass-kicking? No sad sacks.

[wrathswrath]

I believe you rang?

I’m always up for a verbal spar. The mind is a weapon, just as much so as the body; it’s good to stay in practice.

[alainssweaters]

Oh wow, it’s the president of the world’s most pointless circle! No really, it’s an honor, ~your excellency~.

I had some semblance of respect for this country’s pawn leader at one point, but now… How does it feel to be reduced to a joke? 

[wrathswrath]

I must admit, the loss of my purpose and the loss of respect towards my station and I is rather unpleasant.

However, regardless of my own personal feelings about my existence or the feelings of others towards myself, the nation must be led. It is the one duty assigned to me by my father that still exists from his… change. How could I refuse it?

[alainssweaters]

That’s right, how could you! That would require a spine, or some semblance of autonomy, after all. It might be a little late in life for you to learn such skills. 

Speaking of late in life, your long and purposeless career really has taken it’s tole on your appearance. You look decrepit, and that’s coming from a man turning four hundred and nineteen this year. 

You made it sound like this would be a little more tit for tat, King. Are your regular spars usually this one sided?

[wrathswrath]

To be frank? Yes. Though, I must admit my usual spar is more of a physical type than a mental one. And I usually never lose.

I have never claimed to be able to win any beauty contests, nor am I interested in the vanity of those that regard physical beauty to be of any particular use. I am a military man, and if I am to be seen as rugged from my service then so be it. My wife cares for me, no matter my looks. That is enough for me.

And you are correct. More so than you could possibly know. I hardly have ever had a true choice of my own in my life, or even the possibility of free will. I do not know what it is like to live without orders; I do not know how to even begin to try. To be called free… that’s hardly the right word for the situation. I’m more shackled by freedom than I ever was by my directives.

[alainssweaters]

Well just so you know, you’re not doing very well right now. Distracted, King? Are your wits not about you?

Hmm. I’ll concede that appearance isn’t the most important trait a person has, but if you think it doesn’t have any sort of use, you’re deluding yourself. Or perhaps just ignorant. Not sure which I have more disdain for. 

I know enough, Bradley. About you and the rest of the high ranking officers in Amestris’ military. All in Theo’s pocket, all hanging off his coattails. It’s really rather pathetic, but I suppose if things had gone according to plan, I would have been in a similar position. What a relief, to not be lumped in with such terrible company. Is freedom that extensively foreign to you? Do you really have no desires?

[evanheereswriting]

[Evan looks at the note he’d scrawled onto his hand, and then at the door. Yep, this is the place.]

[He walks right in, not bothering to be subtle as he closes the door. He starts exploring the apartment, looking through the pantry and things of the like.]

@alainssweaters

[alainssweaters]

Oh, look, another home invader. 

[The abrupt entrance had startled Alain. He was going to need to invest in locks. And remember to lock his doors. …. No, too much work. He’s just going to stab this guy.] 

[He grabs a stowed knife from beside the kitchenette’s entrance, then points it at Evan.] 

Before I start cutting you apart, you’re not like… Some sort of eldritch being, or a homunculus, are you? If you don’t tell me before I stab you, it’s entrapment.

[evanheereswriting]

Jesus fuck!! [He launches the thing in his hands in Alain’s general direction, which just so happens to be a small jar of cinnamon. He takes a second to catch his breath and process what had been said to him.]

No, I am not, thank goodness– imagine a permanent existence; isn’t it the most heartbreaking thing you’ve ever heard of? I have to pity anyone forced to continue on for even a day, let alone a century, for millennia. Humans as a species, including myself, are the absolute worst of the worst, and each and every one of us deserves to burn in a unique Hell specially tuned to what it is we despised most on our time on Earth, and just when we get used to the torture, have it flipped on us to something else we hate.

Wait, what was happening.

Right, yes, right– I would hold off on the stabbing if I were you, I am quite close to the homunculus Pride, and he would be very upset if I died again, especially given the circumstances.

[alainssweaters]

[Alain scrambles to catch the cinnamon tossed his way. It bounces in his hands, the catch made more difficult by the knife. He still manages to get it steady, and sighs with relief.] Hey, be careful. It’s very rude to break things in a house that isn’t yours. [He sets the jar down on the counter.]

And can you shut up? I didn’t ask for a crash course on your personal philosophy, I just want to make sure I can gut you. Not to say that I will. You’re very presumptuous, who says I plan to kill you? There are plenty of nonlethal ways for me to introduce you to this lovely blade.

…

“Quite close” how, exactly? And why should I care? And why are you here, for that matter!

[evanheereswriting]

The details are none of your business, but he said that I could stay here until we’ve recovered my records.

Even if you didn’t kill me, he would still be very upset with you for hurting me. At least, I certainly hope he would be– he was certainly upset with me in the past for the same. And with others, many times resulting in their disappearances. If not that, then other traumas that left them in terrible, terrible condition. Pride is quite impressive, isn’t he? Very powerful, very thoughtful. It’s an excellent combination for me, and not so much for most other people, which makes it an even better combination for me.

[alainssweaters]

......... [Alain mutters some old curses under his breath.] He’s presumptuous then too. And you’re an idiot, the details are entirely my business, this is my apartment. You better sort yourself out, I don’t take kindly to rude guests- uninvited guests, no matter who looms over their shoulder to make threats. Though he’s very capable, I’m fine with playing the odds against Pride if it means catharsis through shutting you up.