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[aliskazs]

As if pregnant with a bag of garbage

I perceive Pregnancy as a happy period in a woman's life, yet.now it only feels like I'm carrying sth around onside my stomach -that dictates me how to act , btw- yet I'm NOT producing any beautiful thing in outcome. Like I swallowed sth improper and feel sick, but can't throw up(

[aliskazs]

Usually a headache works as an indication to 1special process’ start in my organism..& like a clock-watch - so it did today again. It inspires me, body’s wisdom… How it finds ways to let me know its time to take a little more care. Gotta respect it!

Marvellous. Marvellous capacities a human’s body possesses... I love the subconscious rituals we both subconsciously found good for us.

Also, today's "10 things I love about myself" included how gr8 and huge my potential actually IS, how much really precious work do my defence mechanisms do and how cool it is that I have myself to say all of this to:) (Hug-n-hold came out accidentally, by just getting spiritually closer to my biological brain machine.) Overwhelming! :D

[aliskazs]

Why was Nia created? Nia was created to self-heal the body using music and movement. When Nia creators Debbie and Carlos took their shoes off in 1983, Nia as a barefoot movement class was born from a shared insight that we can learn to move naturally, the body's way. Nia was created to explore the movement potential of the body. Influenced by the grounded non-impact movement of martial arts, Debbie and Carlos realized that through dance movement body-centered awareness could be generated through purposeful movement practice and paying attention to sensation. The 7 Cycle Nia class grew from this practice and became the basis for the Nia belt program that teaches people 52 principles for conscious movement.

--> What is Nia's purpose? Nia’s purpose is to grow a worldwide community of healthy people who are empowered to do great things. We believe every person can discover, explore, unleash and enhance their individual potential to live a fulfilling and meaningful life – by engaging their senses and listening to their bodies. With the right tools and education, we can increase our confidence and happiness. We can become connected to others to shape a consciousness that extends beyond our own.

[aliskazs]

Whether they care or not, I still value what I have to say.

Posted a reply at one site ( http://www.youthbeyondblue.com/wp-content/themes/youthBeyondBlueV2/images/content-bg.gif ). It's now progressing through confirmation, while I fear-free post it whereas.

"Lily, dear. I'll try to stay as neutral as I only can, though lots of same feelings I live thru every night too, ALONG WITH deep need to support humans with problems like we have.. ("you're not alone" message here ,)

I think this support-mission makes me stronger-in-the-moment too... I see my contribution to the world and it helps ME stay awake and lively. :) and I totally love that about SHARING. Embrace my support vibe, if you please, and LET the sunshine of I-BELIEVE-IN-YOU stay with You.

Your urge to heal (by reaching out as the least) fascinates me.

Stay blessed and connected Alis"

[aliskazs]

…on every occasion given, I’M PERFECT at finding the confirmation to my decision once made (that “wherever I come close enough for something beautiful to happen, an annoying and destructive threat will pop up on my way, ruining whole wave of feelings and atmosphere”). Sad. Sad story. Like there’s no way out of this closed circle….

[aliskazs]

When I feel, I shiver

[aliskazs]

Hi, Alice

- Не грусти, – сказала Алис. – Рано или поздно но всё станет понятно, всё станет на свои места и выстроится в единую красивую схему, как кружева. Станет понятно, зачем всё было нужно, потому что всё будет правильно.

- Да, так и будет. Но иногда нужно чуть-чуть помогать этому процессу, а не просто ждать, – ответил Кот. – Стоит знать и чувствовать, как это – правильно. . Иначе есть шанс не понять, когда всё станет на свои места.

- Нужно начать действовать, когда услышишь колокольчик. Куда бы он ни звал, после первого шага станет легче, а узор будет все отчетливей. Глупо звонить в колокольчик самим, но еще глупее его не слышать, – сказал Кот и исчез, оставив в воздухе только серый полосатый хвост.

"Девочка и Кот".

[aliskazs]

My mind confuses me. I have a belief that my dad… I’m not meeting his hype, the expectations he set one day. The perfect-kid type of thing. Which I’m definitely not. And I’m sabotaging my life when he’s around. Because my mind goes Boum! whatever you do’s not enough, stupid. And . Will edit later

I know from some deep acknowledging part that he wishes me all the best. But it just sickens me how everyone in our family sees reality differently. It's hard to live with it. And yeah reality's definutelly a subject to question.. but I lack something called shared reality. I think we're living about different things with my parents. Values and stuff. Yet which is, sadly, hard to accept... Childish.

ALERT: Post needs to be revised

[aliskazs]

Need to express. And proceed. And be met

Yet my original post was erased, I'll start over. Sometimes I don't flow what I want . According to my observations it links to the choice like where to go or what to eat. But I now know for sure that what I really wand is the gut pain to dissolve. And what can I do about it right now? This moment? THIS choice to be made, opportunitty to be taken. Including real rely on available resources. Like safety, support and runaway when needed.

=hot water a saltless porridge for me for now

[aliskazs]

Thoughts and insights

*Always remember to never forget* .. I dont even know how to get back into community after so many long years of self isolation.. what do I do? What is the proper reaction to what annoys me? How do I express Myself? So that it doesn't trigger my self-criticism habit (that triggers everything else)? Bought a neuroleptic pill, a neurodermititis cream and hope I will be answered on my cry for help.

[aliskazs]

Realization

that it is _my suppressed emotions_ that cause all the trouble and NOT the “bad” habits I was thinking doing this to me

really peaces the Mind and calms the Body. http://www.apsolvo.com/program

//Benefits: I start seing other perspectives on ways to help myself

[aliskazs]

I Know

Basically I realise WHAT I need in order to feel better, to heal, to overlap this state and condition.. but the problem starts when I try to do this for myself alone. I NEED the structure, need it from the Outside (someone basically to lead me). The way I tell. Jeez, I want to create a rehab centre for those like me, because I know how hard it is to meet close people’s carelessness when I ask for help and support and tell them what exactly they have to do for me so I feel good :( Nevertheless, inner critic wakes up first, saying that’s an irresponsible egoistic immature and self-pity way of solving things out. And it’s more of a “staying with things in a way they are now” not changing anything. :the invisible letters: BUT I JUST CAN’T.((((

[aliskazs]

OhFuck. Again. About how good really needed stuff comes on time.

[aliskazs]

Why is it so alarming for me to act upon mySelf in a good and kind way?? #messedup

One of my tough “inner-inhabitants” goes like: “Whaaat?! What on Earth were you about to do right now? WHAT!!?? Tellmeagain. No, seriously?? AREYOUKIDDINGME?! You must be so naive 'cos there’s NOO way I will ever let you feel any better, safer, happier etc, nooo waayeah ;D” with an insulting grin on top of all

I feel like i’m buried in my own Heaven - imprisoned in my own mind, //which is accurately divine and blissful at times when used properly.

But the saddest and ugliest part is that THAT part which loves to see me hurt (?!?!?!) is honestly laughing @ Me. /He/ seems to be enjoying the harm he does. _ Emotions and feelings inside the trustworthy ME-part are suppressed though boiling, staying unexpressed, while the evil-me keeps on numbing and numbing them so that Boone sees my divine Truth, story, smile, beauty .... Wtf?

#ifeelsad

Hey guys, what are YOUR anxiety-coping strategies and how do You make friends with parts that do not really wanna collaborate?

(though I deeply inside believe they actually do, they're just very very scared)

[aliskazs]

Real connect

Almost the only thing (right now) that I connect to R E A L I T Y thru is by performing massage to my brother.

Deep safety and self_hearing it provides ME with, not speaking about how it calms both our minds, releases body tension and improves family relationship.

I also wanted to audio-record some of the #crystalclear insightful thought that stroke me right before that.. so I think I’ma explore the possibilities if my phone right now..)

[travelingcolors-deactivated2020]

Park Güell, Barcelona | Spain (by Carlos Gotay)

[aliskazs]

What is the "number one" thing You could do for YourSelf to feel more Comfortable Cosy Safe?

[aliskazs]

Can't love her uniqueness more