There is no amount of thinking, or searching, of posting, or reaching out to people, there is no amount of anything that can make up for the fact that all I want to do is talk to you about yesterday. You are so proud. I am so proud. I feel honored that you have spent so much time helping me lately. And I know now it’s time to really help myself. Dancing made me realize the parts of my body that really haven’t gotten my attention in so long .. everything was in my muscle memory & of course it was physically exhausting but I was so mentally stimulated that it didn’t matter.
My mind was in my body & in the room … I saw MYSELF in the mirror. I had this story in my head that I was so out of shape & SO anxious, that I would get in there & burn myself out within the first half hour. When the hour slot we had scheduled was up, I was wishing we had more time. I remember that feeling now, I understand what got you out of bed every day. I felt it yesterday. I am just so surprised that I really allowed myself to believe that story, a figment of my imagination, essentially a lie, instead of facing it & seeing if it was true. I might have found peace if I had faced my fear of going to class at millennium. I might have been able to make a friend, or find an instructor who might’ve been able to influence me to take my life in a completely different direction.
I believed the story, the one that said “you are not good enough of a dancer to be in class at that studio. The professional girls I danced with growing up, the ones who danced in Old Navy & Verizon commercials, the ones who guest starred for an entire season of your favorite show, the ones who made it to Vegas on SYTYCD & the one who WON: that’s where they take class.…. the ones put the MF WORK IN … How dare you walk into that room unprepared to be there.” What I was really telling myself is “you’re not good enough, you’re not worthy, they are better than you, you are weak & you don’t deserve to be there”.
Britni, I wish I could have had the strength to tell you how much I was hurting & how I was actually coping with it. I knew you’d tell me to knock that shit off, and if I didn’t: you would’ve come out here & fucking made me. I didn’t go see you in Vegas because (from what I can actually recall, from the painful alcohol induced memory of that trip, that I tried so hard to block out for a while) I was in a alcohol & Adderall downslide. I didn’t have enough Adderall to make the drive, be in Vegas, & make the drive home. I was too hungover the morning I told you I couldn’t make it happen … I was living alcohol sick when I wasn’t drunk … but I blamed it on wanting to spend time with Arman or being exhausted or PROBABLY WORKING FOR TONY … trauma trauma trauma I just kept BRINGING ON MYSLEF. If I had told you EVERYTHING, or if I had come to see you in person when you were 5 hrs away, or if I had just allowed myself to accept that you loved me even tho I couldn’t love myself then… maybe everything would have been different.
I can’t live in that place anymore Britni. I have to let it go now. I know it “felt good” to keep torturing myself over these things for all of this time … it felt like I deserved to be punished for making the wrong choices when I knew what the right ones were, but chose the one that felt good or was the easy way out.
I have put all of this work in, if you were to be able to give me advice right now, it would be something along the lines of “you are doing all of the right things, keep trusting your gut & being honest with yourself & your support system. All you have to do, is put one foot in front of the other & do the things that bring you joy & peace”
So I am going to take it. I’m still going to cry a lot, I’m still going to scroll thru old photos a bunch, watch videos of you, look at our old messages, post a bunch, but I’m going to be uplifting & positive & OWN MY SPACE today. I’m gunna live today. For today. I’m gunna live for you today too. #AllForBritni