but jo harvelle though. i wonder what dean does to forget. i wonder how he coped with her death, how he coped with her not being around him anymore.
deanās thumb hovering over the call button whenever he scrolls through his contacts and sees the name āJo Hā, it makes me wonder if he ever called her. i wonder if he pressed that call button and waited for the robot voice to tell him the number had been deactivated.Ā
i think he did ring her, and i bet he cried when the robot voice didnāt come, but her voicemail did.Ā
and what if he left her a message after being so overwhelmed by the sound of her voice on the voicemail? what if he said all the things he couldnāt say when he had the chance, when she was right in front of him, when he /knew/ what she felt for him. what if he just stuttered he was sorry, that he loved her, that he misses her. āshoulda called you, jo. guess iām doing it now."Ā
what if it turns into a routine, that after a really rough hunt, or just on a quiet night, he dials her number and leaves a message. it becomes something that happens more and more frequently, sometimes only a message that lasts about five seconds. "Hiya, i miss you"Ā
and one day, sam enters the room and finds dean with his head in his hands, shoulders shaking, his phone battered and in pieces on the carpet. and all dean explains is, "they deactivated her numberā and sam knows. he knows, understands, but doesnāt say anything.
he just quietly sits back and closes his eyes when even now, when REO Speedwagon comes on the radio, Dean quickly changes the station and pulls over, his fists clenching the wheel, with gritted teeth and clenched jaw, not saying anything for a few minutes. just breathing, thinking, remembering, mourning.
āItās all my fault. Iām sorry I couldnāt save you.ā
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