Ang Lab

"AngLab/TheLove" is my heart and mind. In short, it's ME..:-)

[anglab]

What’s your deepest sorrow and deepest joy?

A month ago, my DEEPEST SORROW was my CONFUSION. I’m confused regarding my purpose in life, my calling, my mission, the BIG REASON behind my everything.

Now, I found the GATE my soul has been searching all this time. I worked in several industries because in a way I tried running away from this calling. I thought that maybe I’m not yet ready. I’m afraid to fail my OWN expectations. I look up to this field, knowing how important it is. I worked in a hospital where a single mistake may cause big troubles to the patient but this field is more sensitive. This field where you just don’t touch the minds of others but INFLUENCE their lives as well.

Finally, I accepted the challenge and said YES to this mission. Today and tomorrow, this is and will be my DEEPEST JOY.

[anglab]

Loving God is like loving a special someone

1. Attraction = Burning desire to know Him better

2. Obedience= Obeying Him because you know He only wants the best for you because He cares. You’ll obey because you also don’t want to hurt His feelings

3. Loyalty= When you choose to love Him, its only Him, not entertaining other suitors

4. Unconditional Love= NO IFS, NO BUTS

5. Focus= All your attention, eyes and ears all to Him

6. Model= Jesus Christ, because He experienced the same struggles we do experience in loving Father God.

[anglab]

I love you too myG

“You cannot hate someone who doesn’t exist”- God’s not Dead, the movie

For me, its the same with “you cannot love someone who doesn’t exist or else you are just fantasizing”.

Believe in God no matter what. To people like me who read all kinds of stuff and entertain all kinds of questions in my mind as part of learning, it is one of the most difficult fight. To be contented that there are certain things that will remain a mystery because it is God’s will. Not entirely our fault, because we are created in His image. However, we need to accept that we don’t need to be all knowing, the wisdom God bestows us is more than enough.

1st Commandment. Love God above all else. Failed. Guilty as charged. Oftentimes, I just honestly can’t. I just love myself, my family and my earthly life as a whole so much. But when everything is said and done and I still feel empty, I realize that I am born to love Him, myG, my Creator.

Love him without questions, without doubt. It’s so difficult, I always ask for His help to wash away all the bad thoughts in my mind. I’m always fascinated with paranormal and extraordinary things but when I decided to love Him I commit myself in loving only Him.

Always think about Him in everything I feel, think and do. Because really..Do I need to say more? That’s just what happens when you love someone.

I love you too, myG and thank you for loving me. At last, I am now in a two-sided relationship.

[anglab]

Loving God

(Random thoughts and reflections that I was able to share to my sisters and brothers in faith. Please allow me to share it with you even though some thoughts are just replaying in my head.)

4/21/2015

Today, I realized that we will never be in a one sided love with God.  He will always loves us, more than we’ll ever know.

If I could give all my heart, soul and strength to someone who doesn't love me, isn't it better if not the best to love God, the only one who loves me when I felt that no one else does?

Sometimes we expect too much from God and too little from ourselves OR we expect too much from ourselves but too little from God. We need both. We need to trust ourselves as much as God trust us. Yes, He trust us so much He doesn't give up on us even when we already did. He is always waiting for us (I smiled when I realized that God is the greatest suitor I ever had). He believes in us. He trusts that we will eventually choose to love Him because He is our true soul mate. 

With these realizations I want to love, appreciate and honor God because it’s the least I can do to someone who truly loves me come what may.

4/24/2015

I have loved and maybe still loving someone who doesn’t love me for almost eleven years and it hurts like hell. To think that I’m just loving him without any major sacrifices. Then I realized, if this is how I feel, how much more to God? He loves me so much but I keep on forgetting him. I even snubbed Him.  To think that He sacrificed His only son for me. To think that despite of all my mistakes and unworthiness He’s always been there for me, waiting for me and protecting me from harm. I thought I’m crazy in love but in a way God is crazier than me. I thought I’m a masochist but God is way more than that. God’s love is the greatest, coolest and overwhelming. How can I not love Him?How can I not appreciate Him? Then I started to think about Him, not in the way I always do when I just need His help. I thought that if I love someone I should not cause pain to that person. If I decide to love God, I should do my best to show that I am now genuinely loving Him, with no hidden agendas. But how? In my own simple ways I’ll consider His feelings in everything I feel, in everything I think and everything about me will be for Him (Sabi ko nga: Lord, pasensya ka na ganito ako magmahal pati flaws and weaknesses ko kasama, buti nalang alam kong yayakapin mo pa rin ako sa kabila ng lahat, ang korni pero totoo).

I am learning to love Him with all my heart, mind, soul and strength. Yes, not past tense, “not learned” because I’m still learning. I’m still on the beginner’s stage but I’m trying my best not to stop even though its a constant struggle. Then another realization strucked me, if it is still a struggle for me to love someone like God despite of Him being perfect and after everything He did for me. I shouldn’t feel bad that the one I love didn’t learned to love me and I can’t force him too. In a way, I now understand that if I didn’t felt that pain, I may easily hurt people around me. Experiencing it taught me to be more compassionate to those who are hungry for love.

God is not choosy. He is always glad to accept our love and what we can offer even if we feel sometimes that we don’t have anything good to offer. Loving God inspires me to be my best so I can give Him by best. Isn’t that true love, to only want and give your best to the one you love? 

4/25/2014

God was never my priority. He was not important to me. I don’t even know why I should love Him. Does it matter? If it does, how will I love Him? 

Giving a gift to someone who already has everything is quiet a headache. However, I learned from experience that even those who have everything are just so happy to receive even a simple gift because it is really the thought for them that counts. Sometimes, we even have a gift in our pocket, but we are too afraid to give it because we fear that He might not appreciate it.

Here’s another fear. I’m afraid to love Him because I know that once I started loving him, I need to commit myself to Him. I’m afraid that He and I will get hurt. But then, who am I to hurt Him? I’m afraid to know He also doesn’t want me, that He really doesn’t love me. But He made me realize that He will always love me. No reason needed.

#1 Sin- I always justify my sins.

I’m searching for someone who will truly loves me for who I am and I found God. I found SFC. I’m just too glad to love God by serving Him through this community. I hope and pray you will too.

I will love God through writing articles about Him and my experiences with Him. I will show my love by simply talking about Him with my family and friends. SFC will be my support group in loving God. Temptations are everywhere but so is God.

[anglab]

Nobody’s fault

That moment when everyone felt “it’s unfair”,

That moment when you know you need to take the blame,

That moment when you want more to explain but you just stare,

Because however whatever, it will stay the same.

But for yours  and everyone sake,

Remember the feeling of a wound sprinkled with salt,

Because an accident is different from a pure mistake

No one is perfect and that is nobody’s fault.

[anglab]

Name calling.

He’s hurting.

They’re laughing.

He’s crying.

Confused.

He’s lost.

What to do?

If he’s you?

[anglab]

We all think and feel similarly. Not exactly the same but not absolutely different either.

[anglab]

Ang pagsusulat ay parang lab. Mahirap gawin ng sapilitan. Madalas, bigla mo na lang mararamdaman. Sa kabila nun, kaylangan mo pa ring alagaan at hubugin at huwag hayaang kalawangin.

[anglab]

I miss the past and yesterdays

I miss my dad’s big socks, the footsocks I wore outside my shoes so our classroom's floorwaxed floor will stay shiny. I miss the colored chalks I used to write on the blackboard that’s green. I miss the little cards of my favorite animes called “texts” and the rubberbonds I used to play as my jumping rope with my mom and dad. I miss playing jackstones at school with my classmates and with my left hand at home. I miss my past, those yesterdays I once love and hate.

[anglab]

Dear Ma,

Thanks for all the understanding, trust, love, and support. Thanks for the unique way you encourage me to do my best and never give up. Some of my favorite lines whenever I complain is “Naku pagod na ba ang anak ko? Kung nahihirapan ka na wag na anak, ayaw ko yatang mahirapan ka” and “Ayaw mo na mag-aral? Ok eh di wala na tayong gastos”. What a reverse psychology but these lines really make me laugh yet they keep me on the right track. Another one that I can’t forget was when few of my batch mates in college became pregnant, I ask you: “Ma, what if nabuntis din ako?” Your answer was really unexpected for me, “Eh di buntis, ano pang gagawin ko?” I realized that behind those lines is a trust higher than Mt.Everest, wider than the sky and deeper than oceans. I’m glad that I treasured that trust which is the reason why I am me today.

I just have one bad wish (beside the disappearance of your boyfriend), is it possible for you to have short term amnesia? I want you to forget all the hurtful words I said and texted you because of my hatred toward the love of your life. I don’t really regret saying it because it’s the truth but I regret hurting you. I hope you understand that I said that because of mixed feeling, two of them are frustration and disappointment. You see, just how much you want the best for me, I want the same for you but I guess I can’t really change your heart so be it. However, my heart doesn’t change either. I can only try my best to be civil and be happy for you. It’s your life so live it, I’ll just live mine but don’t forget you always have me no matter what nor come what may.

You are my light and inspiration. You are my model and idol (except for the love department but hey I’m really thankful you did love dad which resulted me being here). You are my home (wherever our house may be as long as you are there). I love you very much ma.

[anglab]

Long time no write

It seemed so long since I posted something here in my blog. I have many excuses but those are not enough. Honestly, I miss writing but I just don’t know what to write. I badly want to write but I feel lost in words. I miss having strong emotions that motivate me to write. I miss my old writing style. I miss my old letters, essays and poems. I remember the day my mom asked me what course I would like to take up in college. I was on my third year in highschool when she advised me to start thinking about it. Before that year ended I gave her my answer through asking what course can I took up in which I don’t need to study those bloody mathematical formulas but instead use my love of reading, writing and reporting (a.k.a. talking). She said that my dad love writing too and he took up journalism before becoming a lawyer. I tried applying to my dream school but failed. I enrolled to my college alma mater after I saw in their leaflets that they are offering AB Journalism. However, I was informed on the day that I enrolled that the course I wanted was already dissolved. The guidance councilor asked me to choose another one, my second choice was political science but I’m not really sure about it. I went home with a heavy heart. We reviewed the other courses offered and saw AB English. When I returned to continue my enrollment I requested a prospectus for the said course and when I saw the subjects listed there, I knew from that moment that I wanted it more than my second choice. I learned to love my course except for the little disappointment when I learned that all courses have math subjects even if your chosen major is not related to any numbers. After I graduated and didn’t got my dream job I became really frustrated but then again I realized that I’m learning to love my job and still doing the things I love. I still love writing but I also found happiness in doing other things. I’m still identifying myself and what I really want to do. There are many changes and surprises. Not all of my plans happened the way I like it. Not all of my wishes were granted. Nothing is sure and no one can give me any assurance. I only have myself and my imagination. Most of the time I’m lost just like now. My mind is like a river with many ways but  one falls in the end and I’ll only stop when my heart stops.

[anglab]

Ang paghahanap at paghihintay ng iyong dream job at true love ay parehong mahirap, nakakapagod at nakakaubos ng pag-asa. Pero katulad ng mga nabanggit na, alam mong hindi ka dapat sumuko dahil pasasaan ba masasabi mo rin na "kaya pala hindi yun/sya napasaakin kasi ito ang para sa akin talaga".

[anglab]

Ako si Lab

Naisip ko na gusto kong magsulat hanggang wala na akong maisulat at hindi ko na kayang magsulat, pero hindi pala dahil magsusulat ako hanggang saw ala na akong maisulat at hindi na ako makapagsulat. Paulit-ulit?Magulo? Iyan ako. Ako nga pala si Lab. Alam kong hindi mo ako kilala at hindi rin kita kilala. Alam ko na maaring wala akong kinakausap dahil malamang sa hindi, wala namang magbabasa nito kundi ako rin lang matapus nang ilang araw, buwan o taon mula ng isinulat ko ito. Noong una, nalulungkot ako kapag naiisip ko na wala namang nagbabasa ng mga isinusulat ko pero ngayon ko naisip na bago ang iba nagsusulat ako para sa aking sarili, na bago ang iba ang sarili ko ang aking mambabasa. Kaya naman kung mismong ako hindi ko nabibigyang halaga ang aking mga isinusulat, walang iba na magpapahalaga nito. Madaming manunulat sa mundo, mga kaluluwang baliw, mga kaluluwang may baliw na kaisipan tulad ko na may mga nagraragasang ideya sa isipan na hindi pa nasasagwan ng tama.

Nahihirapan akong intindihin ang aking sarili. Madami akong gusto na hindi ko naman ginagawa. Mga plano na hindi ko naman sinisimulan. Mga pangarap na hindi ko alam kung paano ko tutuparin pero umaasang pagmulat ko ay natupad na. Nasa edad ako na ang lahat ng ito ay gumugulo lang lahat sa aking isipan. Kinakain nang walang saysay na pag-iisip ang aking oras, mga oras na alam kong panghihinayangan ko kapag sinisingil na ako ng nagpahiram sa akin nito. Gusto kong magsulat ng may kabuluhan, hindi ko alam pero umaasa akong pagdating nang panahon sana mabigyan ako ng konting pansin ng mga tulad kong interesado sa paraan ng aking pagsusulat.

Hanggang dito na lang muna.- February 26, 2014

[anglab]

Let it be

How can I let and free myself through all these man made rules? Writing should be freeing me but my fears still won’t let me. Who can help me but myself? Who can let me be me except I who won’t let myself be me. Here I am again, telling myself to let it be. Let go of your inhibitions and write until there are no more to write. But here I am again making simple things complicated. Why can’t I just sleep and stop all these non sense. Because all these non sense are part of me and if I won’t embrace these weirdness in me I won’t be able to genuinely love my own being. So let it be. Fears, please let me go. I am ordering you to let me out of my disguise and allow me to be my truest me. Let it be me. Just let it be.

[anglab]

Similar unending

As I open all my old journals and diaries, I observe something... All of them have remaining pages... Empty... Seemed like I just stop writing then never returned.. Each represents a different chapter in my life... Series... Episodes... Unended... Yet all are still parts of who I am... Each page has a life of their own... Still living within me... Thus, to be continued....

[anglab]

Another check on my list. I personally met some of my favorite authors yesterday. I was able to personally thank Ms. Beverly "Bebang" Siy for being so nice when I did my book review on her book "It's a Mens World". I just hope the next time I see her, maibigay ko na yun request nyang Sugo at Happy Mani. Together with my two housemates/close friends, we also enjoy our short chat with Stanley Chi and our encounter with Bo Sanchez. How can I describe the feeling? Sobrang kinilig ako at very masaya much lang talaga. Para talaga akong addict na fan at sila yung mga idol kong celebrities. Proud to feel that way.:-)

[utaklato]

Nagsusulat ka para magpa-impress at sumikat? Good luck.

[anglab]

Gulity as charged. Sa totoo lang, nakakatuksong gawing motibasyon ang mga nabanggit na dahilan pero habang tumatagal higit kong nauunawaan na ang word na "happiness" sapat nang dahilan para magsulat. Happiness ko, happiness nang mga nagtyatyaga na basahin ang mga sinusulat ko at yung mga taong (kahit tamad magbasa) patuloy na sumusuporta at naniniwala na may karapatan ako kahit paano na humawak ng papel at panulat (wag daw akong susuko, laging nandyan lang ang PAG-ASA).

P.S. Kakambal ni happiness si freedom and completeness. Kaya naman sa ngayon nagsusulat ako ultimately para sa aking aking sarili, sa aking sariling kalayaan at kaligayahan at sa mga mahahawa ko (kung meron man). :-D