The Naked Truth

Not super active anymore - mostly personal blog to get thoughts out sometimes.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

Well, after the minor surgical procedures - rhyzotomy and epidural steroid injection - I had relief for about 2 weeks then back to square one.

They’d focussed only on the L5/S1 for the rhyzotomy, and flooded the whole area for the steroid epidural. Got referred to a neurosurgeon and she got an MRI instead of CT, got better images and it showed the L4/5 was actually the worst one and herniating on both sides now, rather than just the right side. Facet joints fully messed up (vertical instead of horizontal, fluid in joints, degeneration occurring).

So I had the micro discectomy surgery today. I’m staying overnight, possibly 2 nights, and recovery will be about 3 months for proper recovery. The aim is to avoid a disc fusion surgery if possible, so there’s a chance they may do another microdiscetomy in a few years to continue to avoid fusion.

I can’t sleep so I’m writing lol.

Oh, also, despite my terrible billing figures since March due to this injury and ongoing reliance on pain meds that leave me unable to do complex legal work, I still got promoted. I’m now a senior associate!

And I’ve picked up some pro bono work for a refugee advocacy organisation, which I’m excited about.

My husband was away for 3 weeks but got back last week and it was pretty hard managing Z (2.5 year old) with my back messed up and her getting super sick (when it rains it pours), ending up in urgent care with them saying she was almost at the point of needing to be tubed…. But thankfully we got it turned around just before that had to happen. Despite all of that, I actually had such good bonding time with her. Dadda is the fav so I don’t get to really do much for or with her when we’re both there together, she just wants him constantly. So it was nice for us to have more time together and she is so loving and affectionate and playful with me when the beloved Dadda isn’t there 🤣 I actually think she’s been a bit better with it since he’s been back, which is nice,

She’s also just…developing in leaps and bounds. Daycare said she’s bored so they’re moving her to junior kindy early (she’d usually go just after turning 3). She’s so smart and starting to really like… give opinions and notice surprising details of people and facts etc.

We did a pre-screening autism assessment and basically they said there are a ton of markers that are classic presentations in girls, but because she’s not delayed in any way (the opposite, she’s hyperverbal and apparently advanced beyond her peers) she would be unlikely to be diagnosed at this stage. It’s more likely the social emotional differences, rigidity etc. that were noted will come out more around pre-school or year 1 age and we can consider diagnosis then if needed. Meanwhile the screening psych is happy to work with us to give us tools and guidance on assisting her with some things like the rigidity/tendency towards perfectionism and the sensory and emotional regulation.

The tendency towards perfectionism at such a young age does worry me (psych said she seems to be very serious during play and sees that there is a wrong or right way of playing). I don’t want her to feel pressure or stress like that so young, and it just gets worse when formal schooling starts so I’d love to try to support her through gaining some more flexibility around that & model it better for her too (I’m exactly the same so I need to be more conscious of not modelling that to her or projecting it onto her).

Anyway, I’m not worried in general about it, I just wanna make sure we’re doing all we can do to work with how her little brain works; I can’t assume that coz I’m diagnosed that we will be the same, because every autistic person has different strengths and challenges. Also I’m pretty confident she’ll be ADHD too (from Dadda) and I don’t have any experience in that personally so I wanna make sure we’re taking the best approaches for her. I do not want her to feel like her experiences are doubted or dismissed or like she has to go through life masking so much that she doesn’t get a chance to figure out who she really is. It’s a crap way to live & isn’t sustainable. Authentic living is the only way to avoid constant burnout.

Anyway that’s my 11PM painkiller-fuelled rambling over and out!

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

Oh man the last 5 weeks have royally sucked.

Manage to give myself multiple disc herniations, impacting on nerves & thecal sac. Nerve sleeve injection into spine did not help. Likely going to try to get another one in a second location (as it’s hard to tell which herniations are causing the most issues).

It just really sucks. I’m in a bunch of different meds. I’m working from home. But I can’t be hands-on with my daughter, which is upsetting me so much. I can’t do so, so much. I can’t even walk much, or sit or stand for long.

Worked out a plan with GP, specialists and my HR manager for getting a work station assessment for, hopefully, getting back into the office at least a day a week or maybe some half days or something.

The problem is, the pain makes it hard to focus, and taking the stronger meds makes it hard to focus, so I’ve been struggling with work. I wasn’t saying no to anything but, at one point the other week, due to mismanagement of a matter by someone else, I was last minute requested to draft an entire complex farm-in and shareholders agreement in less than 24hrs notice. I went at it for 12+ hours before I had to push it back to the partner and say I couldn’t keep going coz I needed to take the pain meds. I’ve never, not once, done that in my 5 years at the firm, and I felt fkn awful about it. But they were so understanding and have in general been so supportive.

Anyway with HR we worked out a plan to try to allocate me more ‘support’ type work at the moment / nothing overly complex. But it’s pretty hard to manage that with the unpredictable nature of when/what kind of work comes in from clients. I feel like I’m letting the team down immensely. I’m worried I won’t get the promotion I expected at EOFY. Like, I very much doubt they’d deny it based on me being injured and having limited capacity for 1 month out of 5.5 years but like… it still worries me a lot. I’m sure I’ll have my two partners (work bff just made partner yay!) in my corner advocating for me but if there’s any like… wider concerns about capacity to promote this year, I am worried that I’ll be the obvious casualty in missing out, because of my drop in billables over the last month.

I miss doing family stuff, being more hands on. I miss being able to just…. walk and do things when I need to, and not have to strategically plan every step to reduce the pain and energy sap of hobbling about. I miss not having to plan around when the stronger meds will make me dopey. I miss the closeness my husband and I were getting back to after the ‘trenches’ of early parenthood. We were finding more time to connect and making an effort to do so. Then this happened and now I’m always exhausted from trying to work through the pain, and he’s exhausted from taking on so much of the parenting and household burden (he already did so much, and now this is just unsustainable). So I feel like we’ve kind of lost that again… we’re just both too exhausted to make the effort for connection. I know we’ll get back into it, but I’m sad and miss it. I feel like a huge burden at the moment (no one except me is making me feel that way.

I’m going to try for a second nerve sleeve injection in another location, next week. If that doesn’t help, the next consideration is surgery and I really, really do not want fucking spinal surgery. Also my health insurance are being a-holes and I likely can’t even get in for a consult with a neurosurgeon until Jan next year. If I have to wait that long without improvement, I’m gonna go postal. Public wait list is like 4 years lol.

I’m skipping the stronger pain meds every few days so that I know I’m not becoming physically addicted/reliant on them. Those days suck pain-wise but I think it’s important. I’m on the ‘least bad’ ones supposedly and the lowest dosage; my specialist said I could be on 3x the dosage but I’m just not willing to do that. I can see how easily they would become addictive and I know that’s how so many people have become addicts - an injury or something and then suddenly they’re hooked. I’m not willing to risk that remotely.

Fuck I hope I don’t have to have surgery. I really, really hope this next spinal injection works. Or that the physio helps. Or that it just… self resolves (not looking likely given no change in 5 weeks). It’s not doing anything good for my mental health. I seem to have days where I feel hopefully about improvement and I have days that I literally just can’t stop crying because it feels so overwhelming, like I have no control, like I can’t do anything to help myself, like I’m a burden on my family and a liability for my workplace. Again, no one but me is making me feel that way… I am seeing my psych today coz I need ways to manage those bad days.

My daughter is just…. gosh. I don’t know how to explain. She’s the best, most wonderful little girl. She’s so fiercely independent and so loving and smart and full of curiosity and joy and rage and laughter and yea, toddler stuff can be really challenging (lots of big feelings) but I genuinely love this age so much. She’ll be three in October. How the heck did that happen? I don’t want to miss out on a single minute more.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

So uh. Did not get the second nerve sleeve injection. They booked me in for surgery, in 5 days from now. I am terrified. It’s 2 minor procedures but it’s surgery, I’ll be fully under, and it’s my spine. All of that terrifies me. I hope it works.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

Surgery went well! I can walk properly! A big achey at the incision sight (was endoscopic) and have to take it easy still but omg I can’t believe I can walk and sit and stuff without pain.

And my health insurance, at the last minute (like the day before) finally cleared it as not being pre-existing and covered in full. So fucking relieved.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

Oh man the last 5 weeks have royally sucked.

Manage to give myself multiple disc herniations, impacting on nerves & thecal sac. Nerve sleeve injection into spine did not help. Likely going to try to get another one in a second location (as it’s hard to tell which herniations are causing the most issues).

It just really sucks. I’m in a bunch of different meds. I’m working from home. But I can’t be hands-on with my daughter, which is upsetting me so much. I can’t do so, so much. I can’t even walk much, or sit or stand for long.

Worked out a plan with GP, specialists and my HR manager for getting a work station assessment for, hopefully, getting back into the office at least a day a week or maybe some half days or something.

The problem is, the pain makes it hard to focus, and taking the stronger meds makes it hard to focus, so I’ve been struggling with work. I wasn’t saying no to anything but, at one point the other week, due to mismanagement of a matter by someone else, I was last minute requested to draft an entire complex farm-in and shareholders agreement in less than 24hrs notice. I went at it for 12+ hours before I had to push it back to the partner and say I couldn’t keep going coz I needed to take the pain meds. I’ve never, not once, done that in my 5 years at the firm, and I felt fkn awful about it. But they were so understanding and have in general been so supportive.

Anyway with HR we worked out a plan to try to allocate me more ‘support’ type work at the moment / nothing overly complex. But it’s pretty hard to manage that with the unpredictable nature of when/what kind of work comes in from clients. I feel like I’m letting the team down immensely. I’m worried I won’t get the promotion I expected at EOFY. Like, I very much doubt they’d deny it based on me being injured and having limited capacity for 1 month out of 5.5 years but like… it still worries me a lot. I’m sure I’ll have my two partners (work bff just made partner yay!) in my corner advocating for me but if there’s any like… wider concerns about capacity to promote this year, I am worried that I’ll be the obvious casualty in missing out, because of my drop in billables over the last month.

I miss doing family stuff, being more hands on. I miss being able to just…. walk and do things when I need to, and not have to strategically plan every step to reduce the pain and energy sap of hobbling about. I miss not having to plan around when the stronger meds will make me dopey. I miss the closeness my husband and I were getting back to after the ‘trenches’ of early parenthood. We were finding more time to connect and making an effort to do so. Then this happened and now I’m always exhausted from trying to work through the pain, and he’s exhausted from taking on so much of the parenting and household burden (he already did so much, and now this is just unsustainable). So I feel like we’ve kind of lost that again… we’re just both too exhausted to make the effort for connection. I know we’ll get back into it, but I’m sad and miss it. I feel like a huge burden at the moment (no one except me is making me feel that way.

I’m going to try for a second nerve sleeve injection in another location, next week. If that doesn’t help, the next consideration is surgery and I really, really do not want fucking spinal surgery. Also my health insurance are being a-holes and I likely can’t even get in for a consult with a neurosurgeon until Jan next year. If I have to wait that long without improvement, I’m gonna go postal. Public wait list is like 4 years lol.

I’m skipping the stronger pain meds every few days so that I know I’m not becoming physically addicted/reliant on them. Those days suck pain-wise but I think it’s important. I’m on the ‘least bad’ ones supposedly and the lowest dosage; my specialist said I could be on 3x the dosage but I’m just not willing to do that. I can see how easily they would become addictive and I know that’s how so many people have become addicts - an injury or something and then suddenly they’re hooked. I’m not willing to risk that remotely.

Fuck I hope I don’t have to have surgery. I really, really hope this next spinal injection works. Or that the physio helps. Or that it just… self resolves (not looking likely given no change in 5 weeks). It’s not doing anything good for my mental health. I seem to have days where I feel hopefully about improvement and I have days that I literally just can’t stop crying because it feels so overwhelming, like I have no control, like I can’t do anything to help myself, like I’m a burden on my family and a liability for my workplace. Again, no one but me is making me feel that way… I am seeing my psych today coz I need ways to manage those bad days.

My daughter is just…. gosh. I don’t know how to explain. She’s the best, most wonderful little girl. She’s so fiercely independent and so loving and smart and full of curiosity and joy and rage and laughter and yea, toddler stuff can be really challenging (lots of big feelings) but I genuinely love this age so much. She’ll be three in October. How the heck did that happen? I don’t want to miss out on a single minute more.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

So uh. Did not get the second nerve sleeve injection. They booked me in for surgery, in 5 days from now. I am terrified. It’s 2 minor procedures but it’s surgery, I’ll be fully under, and it’s my spine. All of that terrifies me. I hope it works.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

Oh man the last 5 weeks have royally sucked.

Manage to give myself multiple disc herniations, impacting on nerves & thecal sac. Nerve sleeve injection into spine did not help. Likely going to try to get another one in a second location (as it’s hard to tell which herniations are causing the most issues).

It just really sucks. I’m in a bunch of different meds. I’m working from home. But I can’t be hands-on with my daughter, which is upsetting me so much. I can’t do so, so much. I can’t even walk much, or sit or stand for long.

Worked out a plan with GP, specialists and my HR manager for getting a work station assessment for, hopefully, getting back into the office at least a day a week or maybe some half days or something.

The problem is, the pain makes it hard to focus, and taking the stronger meds makes it hard to focus, so I’ve been struggling with work. I wasn’t saying no to anything but, at one point the other week, due to mismanagement of a matter by someone else, I was last minute requested to draft an entire complex farm-in and shareholders agreement in less than 24hrs notice. I went at it for 12+ hours before I had to push it back to the partner and say I couldn’t keep going coz I needed to take the pain meds. I’ve never, not once, done that in my 5 years at the firm, and I felt fkn awful about it. But they were so understanding and have in general been so supportive.

Anyway with HR we worked out a plan to try to allocate me more ‘support’ type work at the moment / nothing overly complex. But it’s pretty hard to manage that with the unpredictable nature of when/what kind of work comes in from clients. I feel like I’m letting the team down immensely. I’m worried I won’t get the promotion I expected at EOFY. Like, I very much doubt they’d deny it based on me being injured and having limited capacity for 1 month out of 5.5 years but like… it still worries me a lot. I’m sure I’ll have my two partners (work bff just made partner yay!) in my corner advocating for me but if there’s any like… wider concerns about capacity to promote this year, I am worried that I’ll be the obvious casualty in missing out, because of my drop in billables over the last month.

I miss doing family stuff, being more hands on. I miss being able to just…. walk and do things when I need to, and not have to strategically plan every step to reduce the pain and energy sap of hobbling about. I miss not having to plan around when the stronger meds will make me dopey. I miss the closeness my husband and I were getting back to after the ‘trenches’ of early parenthood. We were finding more time to connect and making an effort to do so. Then this happened and now I’m always exhausted from trying to work through the pain, and he’s exhausted from taking on so much of the parenting and household burden (he already did so much, and now this is just unsustainable). So I feel like we’ve kind of lost that again… we’re just both too exhausted to make the effort for connection. I know we’ll get back into it, but I’m sad and miss it. I feel like a huge burden at the moment (no one except me is making me feel that way.

I’m going to try for a second nerve sleeve injection in another location, next week. If that doesn’t help, the next consideration is surgery and I really, really do not want fucking spinal surgery. Also my health insurance are being a-holes and I likely can’t even get in for a consult with a neurosurgeon until Jan next year. If I have to wait that long without improvement, I’m gonna go postal. Public wait list is like 4 years lol.

I’m skipping the stronger pain meds every few days so that I know I’m not becoming physically addicted/reliant on them. Those days suck pain-wise but I think it’s important. I’m on the ‘least bad’ ones supposedly and the lowest dosage; my specialist said I could be on 3x the dosage but I’m just not willing to do that. I can see how easily they would become addictive and I know that’s how so many people have become addicts - an injury or something and then suddenly they’re hooked. I’m not willing to risk that remotely.

Fuck I hope I don’t have to have surgery. I really, really hope this next spinal injection works. Or that the physio helps. Or that it just… self resolves (not looking likely given no change in 5 weeks). It’s not doing anything good for my mental health. I seem to have days where I feel hopefully about improvement and I have days that I literally just can’t stop crying because it feels so overwhelming, like I have no control, like I can’t do anything to help myself, like I’m a burden on my family and a liability for my workplace. Again, no one but me is making me feel that way… I am seeing my psych today coz I need ways to manage those bad days.

My daughter is just…. gosh. I don’t know how to explain. She’s the best, most wonderful little girl. She’s so fiercely independent and so loving and smart and full of curiosity and joy and rage and laughter and yea, toddler stuff can be really challenging (lots of big feelings) but I genuinely love this age so much. She’ll be three in October. How the heck did that happen? I don’t want to miss out on a single minute more.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

Long time no update.

My baby (not so baby now) turned two the other week. It was such a lovely celebration, we had a little party at home with under the sea theme (‘two the sea’). One thing about me is if there’s a theme I will go over the top on the theme lol so yeah I had sea themed snacks (sushi tray for adults, shark-cuterie board, etc). Lots of ocean creature balloons, ocean sensory table, and other bits n pieces. Love a good theme.

She’s so freaking smart it’s scary. Often counting with one on one correlation (rather than just memorising the numbers in order), and speaking so much more than her peers, in full sentences for the last 8 months. Her memory and comprehension of things absolutely stuns me regularly.

Daycare moved her to pre-kindy instead of the toddler room, but there’s a few others that are under 3 in there so it’s good for her. They mentioned moving her up again to kindy but I said hard no. She may be ‘academically’ advanced but socially and emotionally she is not, I think she is a bit behind in some respects, and I don’t want to widen that gap further by putting her with older kids and having higher expectations put on her. She already seems older (tall, has had long hair for ages, talks a lot) and I worry that adults will have higher expectations on her than is warranted for her developmental stage. It’s strange, in some ways she seems so beyond her age (so caring of others) but in other ways she’s still so emotionally vulnerable and socially a bit hesitant.

Anyway. I think I’m at the stage where I want to get a developmental paediatric to give us a general view of whether there are any actions we can be taking to better support her social and emotional development, and some other things. I’m trying not to project but I think between her dad and me, she’ll likely be hit with the double whammy of adhd and autism, and I wanna make sure we’re supporting as best we can. There are a bunch of signs I’ve seen repeatedly and she’s at the age now where it’s easier to differentiate what’s ’just toddler stuff’ and what isn’t. And I want to keep on top of challenging her if she needs extended activities (always play based of course) for intellectual stimulation. Knowledge is power and all that, better to be armed with things that can support earlier rather than later.

Work is good, nothing much to report. My health kinda sucks, they’ve said I have fibroids and weird free fluid in my pelvis and something that looks like endometriosis but not the ‘chunky’ kind lol. Trying a few things so will see how that goes.

Heading to Japan in Feb, very excited for that. I miss the food so much. I’ve been doing a fair bit of work with the Tokyo office lately so will drop in and see them while I’m there. Might be a possible place to work for a year or so if A wants to get out of where he’s at (he has a really restrictive non-compete but it doesn’t apply to Japan).

The world is fkn crazy and awful in so many respects and I try to strike a balance of caring (I do care immensely) and trying to make small changes but also staying healthy and maintaining sanity. It’s hard.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

I realised something today, which is such a weird thing to have not realised until now.

I realised that I stopped writing creatively, gave up on that dream, when I finally acknowledged that the man I thought I’d loved since I was 13 years old had been grooming me. Part of that was that he was a somewhat successful writer, and praised my 13 year old writing as being good. Once I realised the reality of that defining and formative relationship, I threw away the dream on the assumption that I wasn’t any good and the only reason I ever thought I had any semblance of ability was due to his likely deceit, in order to gain my gratitude or, whatever.

But, maybe I might be good, if I tried again. I don’t know. I’m not afraid to try anymore, I’m not afraid to fail (I think). Time constraints are the biggest hurdle nowadays. But there’s always a way, if I want it enough. I just like realising this, I like the idea that maybe I can reclaim a part of myself that was given up for so long.

I’ve been reclaiming other parts of myself lately too and it’s been wonderful. I know I’m on my ‘ovulation high’ right now, and I know I’ll likely crash in a few days, but I want to hang on to the optimism and energy of these once a month occasions. I’m regulated enough during the rest of the month to be realistic about it, yet still enjoy this and want more.

I’m also just ecstatic to feel healthy for the first time in two weeks, after a horrendous bout of Covid that landed me in the hospital. Fuck I am so thankful for my (relative) health right now. It was scary for a few days there.

I’m also so thankful for my life generally. My work who has been so understanding and supportive about being off to recover; my beautiful family (my not even two year old trying to give me water and medicine was heartbreakingly sweet but also devastating that she felt she had to do that for me when I should be the one caring for her); my husband who looked after me so well once he was able to fly back home; my extended wonderful family that I’ve found within friends, one of who took Z for half a day and took me to hospital when it got really bad. I have the most wonderful and supportive people in my life, and I’m so lucky that I was able to have that additional support when my usual family support was unavailable.

I’ve also become incredibly hyper fixated on baking lately and I am so excited to make some cuts under the sea stuff for Z’s birthday. Also my bday in a few days but I think I’m more excited for hers 🤣

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

-

Went to tell my boss I’ll pick up another workday so I’ll be on 4 days, and he mentioned my colleague’s promotion to senior associate & said he’s mindful that she is ‘almost a year ahead’ of me.

I thought that, given maternity leave and part time work this year, they’d be adjusting the timing so I’d be waiting another few years. But he said he’s going to suggest to the other partners that I’m promoted to senior associate mid-cycle, so at the end of this year rather than waiting for this time next year. If they can’t do that then it’ll be this time next year. I didn’t even think I’d get it for another couple of years so I’m so so stoked.

I still need to discuss with HR and get the list of things that I need to achieve to ensure I’m demonstrating the level of senior associate, but I think, given my boss’ intention to push for it by end of this year, I’m already mostly ticking those boxes. It’s so great to know.

I’m also just so pleased that they don’t penalise maternity leave. I mean they’ve always been really good with equity and diversity stuff and they have parental leave for everyone now (regardless of gender or ‘primary caregiver’ status) but yeah I just didn’t think their approach to ensuring women are retained and promoted included being so good with maternity leave and part time work. Especially since I spoke to a headhunter recently who kept trying to ‘discount’ my experience hugely (he rubbed me the wrong way in general but that really annoyed me coz he was taking 10 months and turning it into like 2-3 years lol).

Anyway. I’m happy with my raise and I’m happy they’ve got me on the radar for senior associate. How exciting.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

Things I’m in love with right now:

-my daughter, obviously and always, but specifically this age. This golden wonderful frustrating but incredible age. 16 months. Suddenly using so many words. So much personality. So much joy. She is going to set the world on fire and I’m gonna have a hell of a time parenting her while never ever putting out her fire. She is the best parts of both of us and she is teaching me so very much. I’m a little bit scared of 2, but bring it on. Bring it all on. Cycle breaking is bloody hard but worth every single hard moment, over and over, forever.

-Taylor Swift. Yes, I’ve become a fully fledged fan. I went to Sydney, two days after securing the last tickets released at the last minute, for a ridiculously low $65 because they were ‘restricted view’ but we had better view than people spending $750 on a single ticket. It was the best concert seats I’ve ever had. It was fucking phenomenal. Every moment. I have never felt so safe to feel things, and be me. I wore headphones some of the time because of the screaming. I wore sequins and sparkled with sheer joy. I traded friendship bracelets with adults and children and I smiled at every sequinned, glittered, joyful creature around me. I gave extra tickets away to a young girl who shared my daughter’s name and I cried from the absolute knowledge that it made her so very happy. I screamed lyrics that I feel deeply along with 80,000 other people who, for the most part, felt the same way and it was like the first time I ever felt belonging in such a big way. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but if people ever wonder what the fuss is about: it’s about community, it’s about belonging, it’s about people feeling like they are heard and seen and can be themselves. I went with a friend from mums’ group and we had the absolute best and silliest time (accomodation key collection debacle with murder field and murder path notwithstanding). I will never forget that spontaneous, joyful, sleep deprived 24hr trip.

-Myself. I think I have managed motherhood and getting back to a career, and the balance, really well, particularly for someone who was convinced I couldn’t do both. I’m doing both. I’m very proud. It’s not perfect: I still have so much to work on within myself. When I strive in one areas of my life, others often suffer. I know that will always be an issue. ‘High functioning’ autism means I’m high functioning to a degree and the rest goes yo pieces. Balance is a constant goal. I’d like, this year, to restrengthen my marriage - we’re ok but it’s definitely been the room-mate/parenting vibe, and we need to spend the time reconnecting more. We have been lately and it’s nice. Just need more of it.

Work is getting easier; I felt there were some issues getting decent work part time, and I felt there were some issues with a young guy I literally trained acting as if he was suddenly senior to me, but I decided that I cannot control others, only myself, so I’ve adjusted some of my own behaviours to try to address it, rather than having to have some weird confrontation that likely wouldn’t help anything. I think I was potentially coming across as deferential in an attempt to be friendly. I’m being more assertive and taking more initiative on things so that I basically position myself as lead associate on matters, instead of having things split and then him acting as if he’s delegating to me and thanking me for ‘helping him out’ (lol the bloody audacity). Part time and 11 months off doesn’t mean I just lost the 4 odd years of skill above him that I was working at. Anyway. I think I’m managing well. Even with mum guilt over not being there all the time. A child deserves a balanced, fulfilled mum that then brings her best self to parenting: that’s what I have to remind myself of.

Also lol wtf is with my grammar. I cba fixing all the overuse of semicolons and whatnot.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

My baby is turning 1 in a couple of weeks. Hard to believe! She started walking at 9.5 months and has basically been a toddler in all her behaviours since then! She is such an absolute joy… she is wilful and strong minded and I know that’s going to be hard at times (it already is haha) but I think ultimately those traits will serve her well in life and I absolutely love that we are raising a person who thinks for themselves and doesn’t blindly obey. Yes, it makes things harder. But that’s being a parent. It’s hard. Raising a well adjusted, strong, resilient human being who can think for themselves is what we want. So, blind obedience doesn’t come along with that, and it shouldn’t. She’s also just so bloody adorable, and smart, and funny. I’m obsessed. She is going to make the world sit up and take notice, I know it. And if she doesn’t want that, then that’s ok too. But I have a feeling she’s going to be an absolute force of nature. She’s so much a combination of A and myself. She is his daughter through and through - at the moment she is obsessed with dadda and it’s just so lovely to see them together. It’s been so nice for him to have some parental leave too, when I went back. I think he’ll always cherish that time.

I miss them so much right now. I’m in Istanbul for a few days, after being in London for just over a week, for work. It’s been a great experience and was nice to meet with colleagues from all over the world, but I miss my family. She seems so happy with her dadda, which is nice, but I want to be back together with them.

It’s been pretty cool in Istanbul, although quite intense as a woman on your own. I did a private tour yesterday with a male tour guide and the immediate difference in how I’m treated - with a man with me vs being on my own - is ridiculous. It’s so hard to just walk around on your own as a woman here. It’s not aggressive, just persistent and annoying as heck. There are women wearing crop tops and skirts who get left alone because they’re with men. I’m covered head to toe and even wore head covering today to try to mitigate some of the attention but it didn’t do anything lol if you’re a woman on your own, you’re just stuck with being constant attempts of engagement. It goes against everything polite in me to just pretend I don’t hear them and keep walking lol but it’s all you can do because if you hesitate or engage for a second they won’t leave you alone.

The historical sites were absolutely incredible. The history… just wow. So much history. I saw items (swords, clothing, etc) that allegedly belonged to the prophets Ibrahim, Mohammed, John the Baptist, Joseph, etc. I saw letters that were allegedly written by Mohammed to other leaders, inviting them to Islam. I learnt so much about Islam from my tour guide, who is Islamic, and who told me about the historical and original perspective of Islam that is actually quite liberal compared to what you often hear about, and how it has been manipulated for the worst, by some people in many places.

Anyway, it is a place of mixed religion and secularity and is extraordinarily interesting in so many ways, with so much ancient history preserved so incredibly. I’m so glad I had the opportunity to come here. To see… buildings from 1600+ years ago, fully intact, with columns made of single slabs of marble over 15 metres long, brought from Egypt… to see the 18+ metre tall obelisk built in 1425 BC, brought from Egypt to Constantinople in 390 AC… to hear the history since before Emperor Constantine… the fall of the Roman Empire and the rise of the Ottoman Empire… just incredible to be here, amongst where it all occurred. It is such a privilege.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

My girl is almost 7 months old.

She is wonderful.

I am struggling a little since A’s parents came last month. They were here in our house for 5 weeks and it was… hard. Hard is an understatement. He didn’t take time off work really (couldn’t, long story, I was very upset about it, it’s done now), so it was on me every day to interact and entertain and I think it would be hard on anyone. With my tendency to burnout socially quite quickly, and require a lot of recovery time, it was extremely hard. Add in MIL’s hoarding tendencies and generally scattered way of talking, it was bloody relentless. I can’t put into words what it’s like with her but let’s just say, A’s brother’s wife can only deal with her for 2 days maximum at a time and is careful to never be alone with her. I did it for 5 weeks, on my own.

Anyway I just haven’t been able to recover much since then and I’m struggling a fair bit with feeling so burnt out. Baby girl is amazing, she’s perfect, she sleeps so well now and A is so great with her. But it’s me, I’m just finding it very hard to always be ‘on’. I feel like I need to sit in a quiet dim warm place for a week before I can feel like I’m beginning to recuperate… A suggested I go away to Bali or something on my own but I don’t want to do that. I’d feel awful leaving them. I dunno how to get a break without feeling like I’m just putting more burden on A. Right now it doesn’t feel possible - I still don’t want to leave Z with either of my parents for more than a couple of hours.

I’ll get there. I’m seeing a new psych who is neurodivergent affirming next week, and I hope that goes well. It will be good to see what I actually can do, what autistic-appropriate therapies that I can do, that might help me manage some things a little better. Since understanding how many of the usual practices actually can be more damaging to autistic folk, I’ve become a little wary of seeing any other professionals who don’t know much about neurodivergency. So many years of trying to change things that are apparently just the ‘way I am’ … but I also don’t really want to accept that all of it is ‘just the way I am’. I still want to work on a lot of those things. I think it’s just that the way you work on it is different. I don’t mean that in an ableist way… like yes I accept that I probably will likely always have communication preferences and I will likely always feel very frustrated by others communication and the fact that I feel like I’m always the one expected to adapt, but also I can try to better manage my own reactions when I am in that frustrating communication mess. Also, I will likely always experience some kind of social and sensory overwhelm but I can hopefully find ways to recover more easily when it’s not avoidable. That’s probably what I hope for most out of the new psych, at the moment.

I’d also like to be better with all the ‘tism management so that I can be in the best position to support my daughter if she’s the same.

I think I’m going back to work in August. I dunno how I’m gonna leave my baby girl, even for a few days a week, but also I know it’ll be better for me to have a bit of balance. Being the primary parent full time is…it’s a lot. I sincerely hope my brain starts functioning better asap coz at the moment it feels a wee bit useless.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

Well I had a psychiatrist appointment the other day with the maternity psych team and she said it sounds like I had an ‘acute stress reaction’ to the birth situation but that it seems like I’m actually doing super well now and it’s not manifesting into another ptsd episode so that’s good.

I saw my psychologist today anyway over video and he basically said it seems like I had a pretty reasonable response post-birth and sounds like I’m coping really well considering newborn life can be hard AF. I think we both were thinking ‘what is this session actually for…’ coz I booked it when I was really not doing well but then at the end of two weeks I was suddenly fine. I’m guessing baby blues / huge hormonal roller coaster and thankfully that just disappeared.

I did something so monumentally stupid today that I won’t write here but oh my god… let’s just say my 4 week old shouldn’t be rolling onto her side but is, and now I know, and I’m so lucky she’s ok. I held her after for what felt like an age… ahh it really is like wearing your heart on the outside.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

My baby girl is 3.5 weeks old now!

The birth was a little traumatic, and the stay in hospital after compounded it. Maybe I’ll bring myself to document it all eventually but I just don’t have it in me at the moment. So much of it feels like a haze of sleep deprivation (I didn’t sleep longer than 2x 45 minute windows for 72 hours) and drug-induced confusion. They gave me tramadol, which I wish now that I hadn’t taken at all & I stopped as soon as I got home. My husband witnessed a lot of it so I know it wasn’t just my sleep deprivation / the tramadol. The midwives constantly gave conflicting information (even conflicting medical information), spoke over me/down to me, gaslit me, etc. and basically it was just a really awful experience. Coming home was not a nice event, as we ended up feeling pushed out initially and then once we came around to the idea & went through the ridiculously disorganised discharge process for 8ish hours, they went back on it and refused to discharge me… for reasons that I feel were just about convenience to them, not medical at all. So we ended up ‘discharging against medical advice’, and getting home horribly exhausted and upset at 11.30PM, and I hadn’t had any painkillers (even Panadol) for ages coz of their disorganised process so I was in immense pain trying to walk & get in/out of the car.

Our baby girl ended up back in hospital the next day after the home-visit midwife said she’d lost too much weight (my milk didn’t come in and the colostrum wasn’t enough). So we had to start using formula but she got her birth weight back & surpassed it within 3 days - it often takes over a week.

But that same night I ended up being taken back to hospital in an ambulance due to extreme swelling of my legs despite the compression stockings… I was OK in the end, but it was a devastating experience. I felt so awful about her weight reduction, and the idea that I’d let her go hungry inadvertently, it broke my heart and I couldn’t stop crying about it. I felt like such a failure of a mother already. Then when I had to go to hospital again, I was so down and in such a dark place with the birth trauma and hospital experience on top of the feeding issue… and I felt like such a horrible burden on my husband as my recovery was going so poorly and I couldn’t do anything on my own… so when they told me ‘call an ambulance immediately’ I was so scared, but at the same time I thought maybe if it was something serious like a blood clot, maybe that would be a good thing coz I was just a burden and my husband and baby would be better off without me. I told my husband that and… I wish I hadn’t, now. It broke him too. I told him not to come with me coz I didn’t want our baby back in the hospital environment and having everything disrupted. So he stayed at home with her but just cried all night… and I cried in hospital all night… texting each other how much we wish we were there for each other and how much we love each other.

Anyway. Things were hard for the first 2 weeks, recovery wise. Then suddenly started getting better. I can do most things now except driving and lifting heavy stuff. I go for 15 minute walks with the pram, and I get tired by the end but I’m getting stronger. I can look after my baby all day on my own and I’m OK.

My milk never came properly, not really. The supply is so low.. she likes to feed from me for 10-15 mins and then I give her a bottle after. So we still get that bonding time. I spoke to a breastfeeding consultant and it didn’t really help. I am now on medication as a last resort, to try to increase the supply. I think it might have increased a tiny amount but not significantly, and not even close to enough to being able to feed her without giving a bottle after. It can take a few weeks so I’ll give it 3 weeks and then I’ll have to look at giving the idea up, and just feeding from the breast as a comfort/bonding thing. I can’t sustain breastfeeding, bottle, pumping - or ‘triple feeding’ as it’s known. It’s just not sustainable for anyone. Anyway I had a lot of guilt and feelings of failure around that too, but I feel like it’s lifting now.

I think hormones have a lot to do with it, but it’s so hard to tell what’s hormonal and what’s more of a post-natal-depression thing. I am going to talk to someone about the birth, coz I do still startle awake sometimes when I’m drifting off to sleep, feeling like I’m in the theatre and drifting off/fading out on the table and convinced I’m going to die if I let myself fall asleep. It’s not exactly conducive to getting rest.

Anyway. Baby girl is thriving now, and she’s so lovely and amazing and I can’t believe we made her. Her sleep/feed patterns are shifting about a fair bit but we expected that in the first few weeks and months. She’s just so perfect and wonderful. And my husband is just the most amazing dad, and most amazingly supportive partner. He had 2 weeks off, then 2 weeks working at home and goes back to work next week. But he’ll only be back for 2 weeks to meet important deadlines, then he has another 4 of weeks holidays over Xmas and NY and into Jan. So that’ll be nice, to have that time together. We have had a few moments of over-tired snapping at one another, but we always come together quickly afterward and ultimately know that it’s ‘us against the problem’ and not ‘us against each other’. I cried a lot - every day - until the end of week 2, and he was always so understanding and supportive. Then suddenly it was like a switch was flipped and I just felt better able to manage. I think letting go of the idea that things -must- happen in a certain timeframe or whatever has helped immensely. Like, she had a fairly regular pattern of sleep/eat and when that changed and I couldn’t settle her, I felt like I was failing constantly. And then the feeding thing made me feel like that even more so. But realising she just has different wake windows now and being flexible around it has helped - I don’t put pressure on myself to get her down within a certain timeframe. I offer naps and if she takes them, great. If not, we cuddle and I sing to her, or we do tummy time or I show her some high-contrast picture books. Or we do a shower or go and sit outside for a while.

I’m learning to just slow down and go with things for now, in this time where their development is constant and everything changes from day to day. It’s hard to do that with the way my brain works - but I think my natural brain wiring will be a strength when she’s a few months older and routine becomes important.

So - long long post to say: we had some struggles at first, but I feel like I’m on the other side of the wild hormonal roller coaster and am relieved that it didn’t turn into full blown post-natal depression. I can enjoy being with my girl and it’s wonderful. Most importantly, she is happy and healthy.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

I was told by my assessor verbally months ago that I am autistic. I went through a whole process back then but was mostly OK. I felt good about trying to drop the mask a little more.

I got my full written report today and I can’t stop crying. I thought it would be validating to have certain things acknowledged but honestly all I feel is absolutely horrified that the way I thought I was presenting to the world is so far removed from what is being perceived. I thought I was so good at masking. But so many of the observations from the assessor and from my husband felt like a massive slap in the face and all I can think now is that I need to mask even harder than ever before. Which is fucked because it’s so detrimental and leads to awful burnout and breakdowns… but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want it to BE masking, I want it to be genuine. I thought I was genuinely expressing stuff that…apparently just doesn’t come across to others at all. Realising that is one of the most painful things I think I’ve ever experienced, mostly because I hate the thought of all the people in my life I have likely inadvertently really hurt, unintentionally, by not knowing and probably making them feel lonely and rejected.

I’m absolutely heartbroken over some of the observstions made by my husband. Not because they’re wrong, or unkind, or anything like that… but because the impact on him is so much more than I ever knew, and I am struggling not to hate myself for it, for not meeting so many of his needs, it honestly sounds so lonely and difficult and I have no idea why he’s been with me so long. None of what the report said indicates that he complained about these things, just answered what was asked honestly. He is so, so good to me and so patient with me and so loving and I feel like I’m just this awful, emotionless, wooden monster in comparison… I don’t know how he does it. I really thought I was trying hard to be more open and affectionate and realising that it’s not being received that way is devastating. I love him so much and I can’t stand that he’s not getting what he needs from me. There was definitely acknowledgment that it has improved since we started talking about our love languages & communication differences…but it still seems to me like it’s nowhere near what he deserves and nowhere near what he gives to me.

I’m also now terrified because I’m giving birth in 2.5 weeks and I felt pretty confident that I would be able to be a good parent…now I feel like I’m going to ruin my child’s life and emotionally damage her because even though I will love her intensely, and will think I’m showing her all the love I have for her, she won’t feel it or know it because apparently even when I’m trying really hard to show these things externally, it’s not being received that way at all.

I don’t really know what I need from posting this, but I’m just really struggling with once again in my life, after being constantly told by professionals how ‘self aware’ I am, that I am actually completely oblivious to how I am being received and that I really don’t know how to be ‘a person’ at all. So much of the report spoke about how I show very little reaction / emotion externally, that I often appear bored or disinterested even if I’m verbally saying that I’m interested/excited etc.

I knew I had difficulties showing things like ‘excitement’ which, to me, seems like a really foreign concept. Like yes, internally I will be looking forward to something but what am I meant to do to show that externally? Am I meant to skip around or do cartwheels? I just don’t really understand that one in particular. But, I didn’t realise it was so extensive.

I don’t want to learn to mask more or better. Part of the observations were that it’s usually obvious when I am & it comes across as wooden and inauthentic. I want to be able to show these things genuinely. More than anything. And I feel so broken that I can’t do that, and that even when I think I am doing it… it’s obvious that it’s not real. I want it to be real. It’s real to me, internally. I feel everything so intensely, I care so so much. It just doesn’t show on the outside and I don’t know how to change that.

I’m trying to tell myself that if I’m not so burnt out from work, from trying to mask all day with work, that I’ll have more energy to engage with my family. I want to make my family - my husband and my baby girl - my main focus and priority. Maybe if they become my special interest I’ll be better at all this stuff. Coz until now, just getting through the work day leaves me so drained and burned out that it’s like I have nothing left to give at the end of a day. Maybe my autistic strengths - intense focus on one particular thing - can be utilised here so that my focus becomes being the best possible mother & wife I can be. I’m scared of not working, and I’m scared of going back part time and then having my family life suffer for it. Maybe I can’t do both. I don’t know yet. Maybe I can find a balance eventually. But for now I need to focus on one day at a time, at pouring my whole heart into my little family.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

So I got to speak to my husband about this a few hours after posting and immediately felt so much better. I also posted in an autism group about it and some of what people said also helped so much.

He was asked things about me and answered, and those things taken out of context and applied in an isolated way in order to match certain criteria (and reworded a little by the assessor) definitely made it all seem much harsher and worse than it is.

As people in the group pointed out, the report is meant to emphasise deficit. So it will look clinical and stark and harsh. I do understand that now. I should have realised that before. It was just so overwhelming and difficult to read this 30-odd page clinical description of myself.

And more importantly, my husband has always accepted me for who I am and reassured me of this, and reassured me that he doesn’t feel he’s missing out on anything with me. That’s what I was most concerned and upset about. Yes we could definitely try harder to meet each other’s love languages half-way, but we have known that for ages and both continue to work on it.

Friends also told me they don’t experience me as cold or uncaring or disinterested. Sometimes, one friend said, she is confused by my reactions (or maybe lack of) but that she sees me as a genuine, warm and caring person. I’m really relieved.

Reading some of the descriptions in the report, I thought ‘this is how I used to describe my dad’. He’s absolutely autistic, no doubt in my mind, but he definitely changed and grew over the years. But I used to describe him as emotionally & socially incompetent, distant, etc. I have felt over the last few years that I am very similar to him in many ways. But it was… hard realising that I could be that kind of parent, too, and not realise it. I don’t want to be, so I won’t be. I do know how to be loving and affectionate outwardly - it might not come as naturally to me when I’m burnt out but I can do it, it is genuinely within me often, and I will be putting all of my effort into making sure my family know how much I love them.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

I was told by my assessor verbally months ago that I am autistic. I went through a whole process back then but was mostly OK. I felt good about trying to drop the mask a little more.

I got my full written report today and I can’t stop crying. I thought it would be validating to have certain things acknowledged but honestly all I feel is absolutely horrified that the way I thought I was presenting to the world is so far removed from what is being perceived. I thought I was so good at masking. But so many of the observations from the assessor and from my husband felt like a massive slap in the face and all I can think now is that I need to mask even harder than ever before. Which is fucked because it’s so detrimental and leads to awful burnout and breakdowns… but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want it to BE masking, I want it to be genuine. I thought I was genuinely expressing stuff that…apparently just doesn’t come across to others at all. Realising that is one of the most painful things I think I’ve ever experienced, mostly because I hate the thought of all the people in my life I have likely inadvertently really hurt, unintentionally, by not knowing and probably making them feel lonely and rejected.

I’m absolutely heartbroken over some of the observstions made by my husband. Not because they’re wrong, or unkind, or anything like that… but because the impact on him is so much more than I ever knew, and I am struggling not to hate myself for it, for not meeting so many of his needs, it honestly sounds so lonely and difficult and I have no idea why he’s been with me so long. None of what the report said indicates that he complained about these things, just answered what was asked honestly. He is so, so good to me and so patient with me and so loving and I feel like I’m just this awful, emotionless, wooden monster in comparison… I don’t know how he does it. I really thought I was trying hard to be more open and affectionate and realising that it’s not being received that way is devastating. I love him so much and I can’t stand that he’s not getting what he needs from me. There was definitely acknowledgment that it has improved since we started talking about our love languages & communication differences…but it still seems to me like it’s nowhere near what he deserves and nowhere near what he gives to me.

I’m also now terrified because I’m giving birth in 2.5 weeks and I felt pretty confident that I would be able to be a good parent…now I feel like I’m going to ruin my child’s life and emotionally damage her because even though I will love her intensely, and will think I’m showing her all the love I have for her, she won’t feel it or know it because apparently even when I’m trying really hard to show these things externally, it’s not being received that way at all.

I don’t really know what I need from posting this, but I’m just really struggling with once again in my life, after being constantly told by professionals how ‘self aware’ I am, that I am actually completely oblivious to how I am being received and that I really don’t know how to be ‘a person’ at all. So much of the report spoke about how I show very little reaction / emotion externally, that I often appear bored or disinterested even if I’m verbally saying that I’m interested/excited etc.

I knew I had difficulties showing things like ‘excitement’ which, to me, seems like a really foreign concept. Like yes, internally I will be looking forward to something but what am I meant to do to show that externally? Am I meant to skip around or do cartwheels? I just don’t really understand that one in particular. But, I didn’t realise it was so extensive.

I don’t want to learn to mask more or better. Part of the observations were that it’s usually obvious when I am & it comes across as wooden and inauthentic. I want to be able to show these things genuinely. More than anything. And I feel so broken that I can’t do that, and that even when I think I am doing it… it’s obvious that it’s not real. I want it to be real. It’s real to me, internally. I feel everything so intensely, I care so so much. It just doesn’t show on the outside and I don’t know how to change that.

I’m trying to tell myself that if I’m not so burnt out from work, from trying to mask all day with work, that I’ll have more energy to engage with my family. I want to make my family - my husband and my baby girl - my main focus and priority. Maybe if they become my special interest I’ll be better at all this stuff. Coz until now, just getting through the work day leaves me so drained and burned out that it’s like I have nothing left to give at the end of a day. Maybe my autistic strengths - intense focus on one particular thing - can be utilised here so that my focus becomes being the best possible mother & wife I can be. I’m scared of not working, and I’m scared of going back part time and then having my family life suffer for it. Maybe I can’t do both. I don’t know yet. Maybe I can find a balance eventually. But for now I need to focus on one day at a time, at pouring my whole heart into my little family.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

Last day of work today, and 35 weeks today, woo!

31 days to go! Baby is scheduled to deliver on Halloween, so excited to meet our little spooky pumpkin baby! It’s also my gran’s birthday, which is cool.

I’ll be 39 weeks 3 days, they said she is big but naturally big, not out of proportion big from GD effects, thankfully. Just a lonnng baby who will probably be tall like her dad. And I have a short torso so things are getting awfully cramped and uncomfortable in there!

SPD isn’t getting much better. I saw a women’s physio and she stuck needles in my hips and butt and it helped for a short period but mostly I’m just really limited with mobility. I get up to organise the nursery stuff or something and after like 5 mins I’m in agony. Even sleeping is painful… although I’ve found a way that works a bit better, sort or half propped up. It’s frustrating as heck tho and I miss carbs and sugar and walking and wine 😂

30 days of chilling out, making final preparations, but mostly chilling out and winding down and mentally preparing. So ready to meet her!

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

Feeling defeated today.

My fasting numbers are creeping up even though I haven’t changed anything, and my fasting levels weren’t the issue before (passed fasting test).

And now my glucose numbers are going up even after eating the exact same meal that previously gave me good numbers. I’m doing all the right things, I’m eating so well, and it’s just out of my control… they say around 32 weeks the hormone change can just make it worse no matter what you do.

Even knowing that… I still feel like I’ve failed somehow. They’ll probably put me on insulin. I really wanted to avoid that. I know it’s only for another 6/7 weeks but fuck. I have been doing so well, trying so hard. It just feels so futile and defeating and I’m just… sad. Every joy has been restricted or prohibited including most food and for what? It’s not even helping.

I know it’s best for her to go on insulin if I need to but yeah, it feels so unfair and like, what was the point in limiting myself at my baby shower, at my friend’s wedding, and every other mealtime the last month? Stabbing my stupid fingers and getting multiple readings within the same minute… all of it is just doing my head in and I’m upset about it.

I want pregnancy to be over already. On top of the GD my SPD is getting so bad I can barely walk some days. Sigh. Not long now.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

…my husband is in Germany for another 7 days and managed to misplace my vibe charger before he left and I am fuming lol.

He charged it in the living room when we had sex in the living room, but then didn’t put the charger back, and it’s not in the living room or in any of the bullion cupboards, drawers or power points in the whole dam house. Oh my god I am annoyed!

I can’t have sugar, alcohol, simple carbs, hot tub, or ANYTHING joyful except fucking orgasms and now I can’t have orgasms lol. Yeah I could try manually but it’s just too dam hard, I need vibe or penis attached to man 😂

I have considered going down the road to get a whole new one (lol) but just walking is so hard at the moment, and I’ve been dizzy again today so don’t really want to drive. Sigh.