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shelly-johnson

Kate Moennig as Shane McCutcheon in The L Word 1.01 “Pilot”

cowwgirl

shane & carmen • the l word s3e2

Letter #3- a month and 9 days later

you know you'll never lose me.

you know i meant everything i said. you know there's nothing you can do or say that’d make me leave. you know full well i should’ve already left. but i haven’t. and i won't.

i sat back and watched as you broke down at the thought of losing her. i tried to comfort you and tell you that it’d all be fine, and she’d talk to you again, just give her some time. i watched as her silence ate you up. i tried to sit back and just take everything you said to me. i let you be angry at me even though the person you were angry at was yourself.

you got caught. you're angry you got caught. you’re sorry you got caught. but you’re not sorry it happened. if you could, you'd let everything go back to the way it was before you got caught. you knew i’d never leave, and you could have whatever you wanted to with her.

i feel bad for her. she doesn’t deserve any of this. poor girl. you knew everything she’d been through and did exactly the same thing. you lied, straight to our faces with no remorse and you thought you'd get away with it. she deserves so much better. she deserves to finally be happy. she deserves someone mature enough to tell her the truth. but like i said, you’re not going to lose either, just yet.

you say you lied to not hurt our feelings. i think that may be true. i don't think you did it on purpose, but i also think you didn't know how hurt she would be. you underestimated the impact it would’ve had on her. you wouldn’t have done it if you knew what it would've meant to her. you knew, no matter how bad it hurt, you’d never lose me. so i guess you thought why not.

everything hurts. watching the way you reacted to losing her made me realise i really was just something disposable to you. you know you'd never lose me, but frankly i don't think you'd care if you did. it broke you to see her hurt. you don't even care that i am. i guess you don't have to anymore. i guess you don’t even care if it’s you that’s hurting me.

you say you didn’t fall out of love, you just stopped feeling. me too. only i know i'm in love with you. it’s the only thing i've ever been sure of in my life. now i don't want to be because i don’t think it’s meant to hurt like this. i am not constantly meant to feel like this. i wonder if it’d kill you to just pretend you care. maybe it would and that’s why you don't.

you’re losing me and you haven't even realised. you’re going to lose me. soon i'm going to be there, not because i want to be, but because i have to; because i promised i wouldn’t leave. i don't break my promises. i already wish i didn’t care so much. i already wish i could just forget.

you take it for granted. you take me for granted. you know you do, but you don’t care because at the end of the day

you know you'll never lose me.

Letter #2- a month and a day later

i can’t help but wonder how much of what we had was real to you?

to me, every second i was with you felt like a breath of fresh air. it felt amazing to finally know what love meant. i could now say that not only was i in love, somebody loved me back. i was happy, i was content. i never wanted to lose you.

i found out today that you have feelings for her. that you call her baby. that you can’t fall asleep without her on call. that you tell her all the things you told me. i found out today that she barely even knew i existed. that you lied about her to me. that you lied about me to her.

i don't understand, if i’m honest. did you love me? if you did, how'd you drop me so quickly. how is it something you just got over? you only stopped saying it back 5 days ago. i stopped saying it back because you didn’t, but now, after everything i know now, i just don't want to. i still am in love with you, because can you imagine, i just lost feelings that quickly. i told you this and you got shitty with me. why? i don't know. you've already caught feelings for someone else.

i keep trying to tell myself, “it’s okay; you felt what you felt in the moment, and nobody can take that away from you”. the only thing i can't get over is, how i’m feeling now. i feel like shit. i feel like i’m being treated like shit. like i’m just something disposable to you. someone you come to when she doesn't give you enough attention.

the funny thing is, she's amazing. she doesn't deserve any of this. she doesn't deserve to be lied to. she's done nothing wrong, and i can’t believe i’m even saying that. she doesn't deserve to be hurt again. i can’t believe i’m not angry either. actually, i’m just sick. i feel like throwing up every time i think about it. my heart beats so fast i can’t breathe.

i read my first letter to you, and i just feel sad. because the girl who wrote that, she meant every word. she still does. i do. but it’s not going to work out between the two of us. not for a while or even ever, and it took me this long to accept it, but i don't want it to. i’m just so hurt. my heart is broken. it doesn't have room for anything but healing right now.

you left me a mess. you left with all your promises broken. you left only to find someone new. i’m just happy that all of this is happening and i still have a home. it may be toxic, but its hell of a lot better than being homeless. i keep imagining what would've happened if i left everything behind for you, only for this to happen and honestly, I'm grateful; like there is some guardian angel looking out for me.

i’m still absolutely in love with you. that hasn't changed and it probably won't for a while. but i hate watching myself get treated the way i am. i hate that i can’t just talk to you about all of this and just try work it out because you'd be defensive the whole time. i’m not asking you to defend yourself, just tell me what happened.

was it all just something i made in my head? it couldn't have been, right? you'd send me paragraphs, you'd give me songs, you’d look at me like there was nothing else in the world that mattered. but was it real? is it something you truly felt, or did you just take me along for the ride?

all i know is

i can’t help but wonder how much of what we had was real to you?

Letter #1- 8 days after

good days and bad days

i take each as it comes.

i once heard that you know you’re in love when they’re the first person you think of in the morning, as you wake up, and the last person you think of at night, when you fall asleep.

some mornings i wake up, and i remember all the good times we’ve had, all the good times i had planned, the future with you i so wanted. i think about the way the light reflects off of your eyelashes, the way your face scrunches up when you’re doing something difficult. i think of the way your voice sounded like honey as you were waking up. i think of the way i was going to get out of this place and build a better life with you, one where we would truly be happy.

some mornings i wake up and don't understand why you've pushed me away, so far away, we both know it won’t work out. some mornings i wake up feeling sick at the thought of you. i feel sick knowing that after all of this, i’ll end up as your second choice. i can’t help but wonder, how much of what you’ve said to me, you truly believed; which of the words you put into my head, you actually meant.

every night i go to sleep, embarrassed that i said all the things i said, so definitively, but mostly just broken when i think about how i believed the words that came out of your mouth. i think about how the word “always” has never been something i’ve ever experienced. i think about the fact that i knew it was going to work, to the point i was ready to uproot my life. i think about how i could’ve had no home, no family, and how that didn't matter to me because i found home in you; i found safety in your arms.

every night i go to sleep grateful, that i had the opportunity to love you. i never ever believed in love; it was something i’d never truly had before. with you, i learnt that love can be unconditional. with you, i understood what it meant to feel like your heart was glowing. no matter how or when i think about you, my heart still glows, just as bright as it did the day i knew i loved you. i thank whoever it is, up there, whether it’s god, or some other being, for allowing me to feel the way i did and letting me feel it so deeply.

above all, every morning and every night, i pray, that you’ll be okay. i don’t even understand how we got to the way we are, but i pray everything will work out for you. i don’t understand, but i know we’ll be fine once all of this is over. no matter what happens, you’ll have me. i don’t understand how i how can’t say anything right anymore, but i hope you know, I Love You, Always. i don’t understand why you don't want to even talk to me all of a sudden, but i’m always just a message away.

all i know is

good days and bad days

i take each as it comes.