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[anmarier]

Ang hassle hassle hassle hassle ng life.

Gusto ko na lang lumabas at di na lang mabuhay.

Or magpalit ng name at magquit.

HMMMMM

Hassle hassle hassle hassle hassle hassle hassle

[anmarier]

dear God i need you. xxx

[anmarier]

I sent a message and good vibes. I hope it got there. i dreamt also. after a long time.

need to focus on me now tho

xo

[anmarier]

Why am i crying over gab 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I ended it. I stopped it.

Why

[anmarier]

Deya

21 days andyan ka pa rin kay gab. Tigil mo na yan

[anmarier]

Bye gab again.

Bakit ka pa kase bumalik.

Balik ka ng balik di mo naman pinaninindigan.

Ano naman kung brineakan mo sya

Ano naman kung mental health

Ako rin naman

Daming sinabi

Wala naman puntahan

[anmarier]

Gab youre sooooo dense and self centered. It'sfunnyyy.

[anmarier]

Gab stop trying to come back. Ty

[anmarier]

At 3am, the world is quiet. Worries lose their edges. Thoughts flood.

Sleep doesn’t come — just lying there, trying for coherence. Eyelids heavy while fears rehearse in silence, the messiest ones arriving uninvited, without logic.

Wondering, without direction. The mind takes over. Crying at memories without intent. Throat tightening around ifs, whats, wheres, and whens.

At 3am, what’s avoided stops waiting. Thoughts kept out slip in, still not allowed to be articulated.

The fan keeps running. Another car passes.

Both more lucid than anything else.

[anmarier]

I wish I can rewind time. Maybe not IM. Maybe not hema. Hmm. I was so optimistic. There are things to undo. There are things to not be curious on. Idk. I am grateful people are here still. I wish I could have been a better friend. I wish I could have gone through it more gracefully, with more wisdom, less tears, more laughter.

I just hope 2026 is a great year. I am tired of sad years. I miss people.

[anmarier]

I had a dream about you. I woke up wondering if you did too. There was a time i thought I could feel you. I dreamt of you so vividly and your family was there with too. I just miss it i guess. I wonder why I even had a dream when I have decided a long time ago to stop.

Hm. I never stop caring by choice. It is usually an emergency brain take over as I have probably neglected myself. From relationships to career. I guess then i didnt want anyone to fault me for not caring enough.

If i was being honest each instance engulfs and numbs me . But there was once a time i offered my heart freely and unguardedly. Now i have found myself placing it in a container and keeping it close.

I wonder if i have become like them. Cruel unintentionally. Blowing up a small thing making it a reason to run away. Justifying hurt as something that has to be done. When there could have been a way (a way I wished I was treated before) to handle it respectfully or gently. Softly.

I am sorry then to Gab. I loved you. I ran away cause i couldn’t take getting hurt again badly. I ran so quickly at your first fault cause i have wasted years of my life treating them as if they didn’t exist in people I love. Go back to your gf, propose as you planned, i am sorry for uprooting your life, i don’t think I deserve your forgiveness. I don’t think I can handle stonewalling. Not anymore in this lifetime.Its incompatibility: for you its silence for me its trauma ig. Each time you reach out I remember my feeling when you first ignored me purposefully to “teach me”. I have experienced worse but somehow that one time you did it brought all those memories. I am sorry, i loved you. Its fascinating how fast i fell. Yet at the same time fascinating how protective i am of myself now. Or is this sabotage. Idk. My only regret is not telling i love you more than once before it ended.

[anmarier]

Did you love him more than you loved him?

No the love was different

Did he love you more than he loved you?

He loved me differently yet sufficiently

Did you cry less?

Most definitely.

Was the hurt more?

The hurt is the same. The hurt is hurt. Still feels like my heart is being ripped.

If you could undo one thing what would it be?

I dont know i still thank god i met him at the time.

Is there anything you want from him?

Maybe just one more hug. Conversation about politics maybe his opinion on the current situation. A meal.

Do you forgive him?

Maybe not. I want to but I cant.

If you could say one thing to him what would it be?

Why did you hurt me if you said you loved me. How can you bear seeing me hurt if you cared.

[anmarier]

Hay ily. Brutal.

[anmarier]

God ily. God il him

[anmarier]

Why did you have to say ily. Why did you break up with her. Why did i say i love you back.

I love you. I love you. I love youuuu. God i do.

I dont know why. Its only been six months. Why did i fall in 6mos. Wth. Is this even really love. Do you really love me. Or will you hurt me alsooo. 😭

[anmarier]

Cant call you love

im not allowed to

Cant be with you

its out of bounds

Cant talk til the sunrise

its forbidden

I can pray for you tho

I can wish you all the happiness

I can hope you win

Erase me if thats for your best

Your memory of me at your mercy

In mine tho

You were my light in the dark

You shined away the dullness

Normal became normal again

Hollowness forgotten

If we meet again

In this lifetime or another

I hope i can return what you gave

Freely, lightly, with the purest intentions

Without holding back

Not in secret

Pain is inevitable i think

For something sacred

Its there constantly

Reminding me of what was lost

Letting me know its significance

I never knew id meet you

I never hoped to feel again tbh

But you taught me that sometimes it is worth it

That endings are not scary

The present was the impt part

It might have been short lived

It may become a one liner in our lives

For this moment let me thank you

Thank you for being there when i needed someone

Thank you for being you

And appreciating me as a i was

It was messy

It was funny

It was fun

It was incredible

To be known

To be seen

To be appreciated

With all the flaws and quirks

We both knew it had to end

But even the gentlest endings

Come with inevitable pain

I witnessed you as you witnessed me

Yet we both chose to say good bye

Not for ourselves but for each other

Yet we cant call it love thats forbidden

I somehow wish i can get another convo

To let you know one final time i care

But i wont,

Id just bank on the fact you know me

Enough to know ill hold your memory

In the deepest safest vault in my heart

[anmarier]

I hateee thisss