Distance Served It’s Justice
In the times of self doubt and self punishment, I learned that in this life you are not the only one to blame. I spent hours of each on of my days trying to fix a relationship that was never broken. I reflected upon who I was daily, in comparison to the man that I am so in love with. If something went wrong or upset me, I reflected, I passed judgement upon myself, and took 100% of the blame. I know what your thinking. why in God’s name would anyone do that?
It wasn’t because I didn’t know who was at fault, it was because of the distance between us. And its because that distance, that I had to be my best possible person, I had to be the strength of us, and I had to fix the scraps, bruises, and dents repeatedly so that it could never crack, it could never possibly break.
Now, before you go judging this unhealthy habit, I want you to consider something. What if you had the most healthy relationship, but it was just out of reach. You had to work a little harder because the person you loved was so far away. We share a high level of communication, commitment, long lasting love, and a feeling that forever still wasn’t long enough? So, now and then you brush off the little arguments and take blame so that they never fester into something more. You buff out the scratches so it doesn’t crack, it stay’s just as perfect as it always has been. Now, I didn’t do this because he was or is complacent to what was going on. He has always been frustrated with my need to share or take the blame. He is a man of self improvement and as always wanted to be a better man for me.
Well, In the past year of loving this man, I have never been so vulnerable. I have let my walls free fall to the ground, he has made me confident in who I am. He is something, and someone I never thought existed. So I try my best to always share the blame. It takes two people to tango. Im not perfect in this relationship and he has never asked me to change. With over a thousand miles between us, he has always taken me as I am. He has never wanted anything from me but my love. So with the little dents, and scratches to our perfect relationship, I have always wanted to share some of the blame. I have wanted to help improve us, to overcome obstacles, to grow strong together. To grow above and beyond for the man that asks so little of me.
But this time, It was his fault and I learned that if you wanted to maintain the beautiful, uplifting parts of us he needed to know that. When tough times come knocking at your door, and life throws wicked curve balls at your heart, reality slips away from you and the simple understandings of your life become un-comprehendible, you change. Without meaning, or purpose, you change. This time it was not me changing, it was him. It was time for me to be the anchor, to set sail towards our future with purpose, I couldn’t take the blame for this, but I could lead us through it.
I could feel him everyday, building, placing stones, one-by-one, higher and higher around his sweet heart. I gave him time, hoping at some point he would see and understand that he shouldn’t be building this wall. He needed it to lean on, to guard him from pain. But I needed him to understand that, I myself was that wall, the rock he needed to stabilize himself. He couldn’t see. Each day I nudged his wall, I asked and pleaded patiently.
Then, I let go of the blame.
I took a sludge hammer to the wall he was building and washed it away with the tears I had bottled up. The force of my hurt came through each and every stone and exploded it from the inside out. I finally understood that I was not always the one to blame, that in this life If I wanted us to stay strong, healthy, and forever in love, he wold have to change. He could no longer continue to build a wall around his hurting heart, but to let me help him mend it.
Because if the wall was continually being built, I was either helping him place the rocks or slowly knocking them down. I couldn’t be apart of his self destruction, I had to be apart of his healing.
Distance served its justice that day, it reminded me about the fairness we both must share to live a healthy and happy life together. My lesson was to stop being so hard on myself. We had to get through things together, we had to each personally take the blame for what we have done wrong. We must improve individually, to succeed together. That is the only way to buff out the scratches, the bruises, and the dents we created. It is the only way for us to stay 100% together during the tough times.
Distance served its justice.
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